Sectioned in Hospital - Day 53, 54 & 55

Written by Fox.

DAY 53 - 29th September, Sunday

Not much really happened today as it was quite quiet. Keri sat up with one of the other patients for a while when they couldn't sleep. It helped them but not her! So she didn't get up until nearly 3pm. She hasn't eaten again today so that's two days without food. Really isn't going to help her mood! But she's determined to lose weight again. When her dose of antipsychotics was put up, on two occasions in a month, she put on weight (which is what happened when she was first put on them) which meant she'd managed to get her body to a 'healthy' weight which she is NOT happy with. She thinks losing the weight will improve her mood and get her confidence up but all it's really going to do is make her relapse into her bloody eating disorder. 

Bitch has actually left Keri alone today. She made a big song and dance with the other patients about the bruises Keri had left on Bitch's face when they had a fight. Keri didn't worry though, she hasn't got a single bruise on her! She definitely knows how to stand up for herself and not be beaten up in the process. I have to congratulate Sally on that one, she did well teaching Keri all that.

Keri's foster mum visited which was really good for Keri. She brought Keri most of her DVDs, in a suitcase! She's only just managed to fit them onto one of her shelves in her room! I hope the room in rehab is big enough for Keri's stuff, that's if we get to rehab! I was asleep for most of Keri's foster mum's visit so I don't know about much of what was said. I know Keri was glad about the visit but I'm sensing something odd happening with Keri's feelings towards them. The relationship seems... I really don't know but it's changing because of Keri's depression. I know a lot of us miss her foster carers and are desperate to go back home to them but it's not going to happen. Maybe that's what I'm sensing with Keri. Maybe it's setting in that she really can't go and live at home after she's discharged. Part of her still thinks it's a con.

Another unsettling night and I'm fed up with it! The medication Keri's being given should be knocking her unconscious but it doesn't seem to be touching her. Instead, the rest of us (besides Sally) are feeling the effects instead! I didn't even think about that until Keri's foster mum pointed it out. How we can stop that happening I don't know the answer. Maybe her art psychotherapist can help her out with that...

DAY 54 - 30th September, Monday

What a busy day! And good news! One of the hospital managers came into Keri's room this morning while she was still in bed and told her that Bitch has been moved to a different ward! Joyous days!

Keri's little brother also visited this morning! She even managed to get out of bed before 11am, but he didn't turn up until half an hour later. Gave her a chance to have a couple of coffees and smoke though so she was pretty much awake by the time him and his support worker got here. They spent most of their time out in the garden. I've never known two people who can chat so much... Surely you run out of things to say?! But no, they seem to jump from topic to topic, joking about some seriously random stuff and overall it was good. He told Keri that she has his full support when she has to go to court in November. This upset Keri a little bit. She's really glad that she's got his support but part of her thought "if you fully support me, why did you ruin it all last time?". She does have a valid point unfortunately. On the plus side, she's building her relationship with him again; still having dodgy delusional thoughts about him being a demon though. Another thing Keri should talk about to her psychotherapist.

Then at 12.30pm, Keri's care coordinator, plus her student, arrived to talk to Keri. So Keri had to say goodbye to her brother and his support worker and then move straight on to talking to her care coordinator. They only had a quick chat as her care coordinator has to have a report written up to give in to Keri's tribunal and the deadline is today. Her care coordinator was honest and said if the tribunal would be held tomorrow then it's doubtful they'd even get close to wanting to discharge her. Although no one has been given a date for it yet. It could be in a month, a lot can change in a month, except the problem with that is it'll be her birthday on Halloween, and court on 4th November so they better hurry up with it! The closer it gets to that court date the worse she's going to feel.

Off they went and then Keri's psychotherapist arrived at about 1.15pm for their appointment. The whole session was focused mainly on Keri's suicidal thoughts so I decided to take a nap for a bit while they had their appointment. I woke up to find Keri watching a movie in her room and it was nearly 3pm. On the desk was a letter written by Keri's psychotherapist to David. She wants him to be at the appointment on Friday instead of Keri. Wait, that sounds bad. It's not that she doesn't want to see Keri, but she knows David may be able to help her work something out so we don't all end up dead as we're all tired of all this. The problem is David still hasn't come back and I've been searching for him. Maybe I will have better luck finding him tomorrow.

Then at just gone 3pm Keri had to go with the physiotherapist down to the gym. Bare in mind she hasn't eaten for 3 days, she had to do all her core exercises and her joint exercises. Keri had to tell the physio that she hadn't eaten because she normally starts with a warm up on the exercise bike for five minutes, but after two minutes Keri felt like she was going to faint. She didn't specify this, she just said she hadn't eaten. Keri cut the warm up short and did the exercises with the physio and the student (everyone seems to have students with them at the moment!). The physio was very careful to make sure Keri didn't do the usual exercises and cut them down a bit because she didn't want Keri collapsing. 

A nice trip to the supermarket with a member of staff in the evening got her off the ward; coke, cigarettes, coffee and gum. That's her diet at the moment. Healthy isn't it? If she carries on then she's going to end up like a caffeinated skeleton with lung cancer. That doesn't work as skeletons don't have lungs but you get my point. All she's doing is starting to distance herself from people. She's finding it very hard to find any hope or trust in people. It's actually quite devastating to be inside her head and watch helplessly while everything is slowly breaking down and there's nothing I can do.

Even though she got up early this morning it still didn't effect the fact that she's not sleeping until 3 or 4 in the morning. I thought that without food, getting up early, extra medication, and having such an exhausting day would make her tired earlier but it's done nothing! She's reminding me of the Duracell bunny, no energy yet is still going and going and going!

DAY 55 - 1st October, Tuesday

Keri got up just before 2pm but before she was even able to get a cigarette in she was called in for ward round! The most Keri got out of it was that they're thinking of giving her unescorted leave, starting with 15 minutes ground leave on the condition that she has a one to one session before and after she goes out. Skipping ahead to this evening, she found out she had two half hour unescorted leaves a day (including off grounds)! Are they deliberately trying to sabotage Keri? If she disappears to kill herself again then it may not be so lucky that a security guard recognises her! Fucking ridiculous. Why are they doing this? Positive risk taking? Idiots!

Keri's actually spent most of her time outside smoking and talking to other patients. She's spent barely any time in her room and even sat in the communal area with some patients while most of them did a quiz and a few sat in the corner having a chat with Keri. The only times she went inside was to get cups of coffee and then to go and wash her hair while everyone else had dinner and then in to watch the quiz! 

Keri didn't do physio today. For some reason the physiotherapist didn't turn up. After telling Keri how important it was to go down to the gym with her every day, then she doesn't turn up? She probably did something like lock herself outside her house again! To be honest it's probably a good job she didn't come as Keri isn't in much of a state to exercise! She hasn't eaten for 4 days now and the staff have noticed as I heard them talking about it in the office. She was weighed today and she's lost another 2.5kg in only a week! Keri thinks that her being weighed is 'just a coincidence'. She's in denial, once again. Is there anything else you can pile on top for Keri to be in denial about?! But Keri's determined to get back to her 'target weight' - a weight she will refuse to tell any staff once they start asking questions. Even Clarissa is terrified to eat any chocolate because of how Keri will react. So it doesn't look like any food will be eaten.

I've been trying to find David again today. In fact, all of us have besides Sally. Keri lost it around midnight and hid in her bathroom because all of us were shouting for David. Because of this Keri found it way too noisy because she could hear all of us. What choice did we have? I'm not sure David will be able to do anything anyway. Maybe if he comes out and reads the letter from our psychotherapist then he'll try and at least help her think of ways to help Keri. I have no clue anymore. But Keri's had her 1am medication now, hopefully in a couple of hours she'll go to sleep. Wish us luck?

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 52

Written by Fox.

DAY 52 - 28th September, Saturday

Keri didn't get out of bed until gone 2pm but less than 15 minutes after getting dressed her key nurse, Cat, came in and spoke to her. She told Keri that all her leave has been cancelled and isn't going to be reviewed until Monday. After what happened yesterday it hardly came as a surprise! It was established that Keri still felt the same so they kept the HDU garden locked so that Keri couldn't try getting over the fence while staff were in the main ward. Because Keri had been in bed she hadn't had her morning or midday medication so Cat went to get it for her and she took it without complaint. 

Keri's now officially on hourly obs, even though on paper they're supposed to check everyone every 10 minutes in the HDU. She found out that she'd been the only one on 10 minute obs, the other three patients were all fine! Everyone kept saying how quiet it was down there and Keri's ended up being restrained at least 3 times in the last 24 hours and been heard screaming and shouting both in seclusion and in her room. She's destroying the peace by being the most unpredictable patient on the ward right now! None of the staff know what's going to happen from one minute to the next at the moment!

Because Keri wasn't allowed out into the garden in the HDU she had to settle for going out into the communal garden which she didn't mind too much as Denny (pseudo name) was out there and Keri gets along very well with him. Keri sat and smoked, waiting for her medication to kick in. Then Bitch came outside (she was admitted again yesterday and after the evening Keri had it wasn't nice to have that piled on top! Luckily at that point she was on one to one).

At first she wasn't too bad. She was just annoying Keri with her tone deaf singing but then suddenly Bitch decided to turn on Keri and start being point blank nasty again. She was sat a few feet away on a bench next to another patient while Keri was sitting on the side of one of the big wooden vegetable patches. The wood is thick so it's like sitting on a bench, just slightly lower down. Eventually Bitch decided to sit next to Keri on the plant box. She carried on and on. Then came a point when Keri completely lost it. She stood up, grabbed Bitch by the collar of her coat and chucked her against the wall and onto the floor.

"Don't you fucking dare talk about things like that!" Keri screeched, as Bitch started to get up. "You know absolutely fuck all about me!"

"I'm not scared of you," Bitch said, as Keri held Bitch's collar in both hands.

"I don't give a shit if you're not scared of me!" Keri shouted. "One more word and I swear to god I will punch you."

"Go on then," Bitch said. "Nobody likes you. You're all on your own. You never get visitors. You're so nasty that not even your family want you anymore."

And with that, Keri clenched her fist and punched Bitch straight in the jaw before throwing her back against the wall and storming inside, Bitch attempting a feeble kick from behind. As Keri got back on the ward from the garden she went absolutely mental as she stormed up to the desk.

"That's fucking it!" Keri shouted at the nurse behind reception. "Either she leaves the ward or I do!"

"Keri," the nurse said. "What's happened?"

"That fucking bitch outside! If she doesn't get moved then I'm going to punch her again!" she shouted, crying uncontrollably. 

"You hit her?" the nurse said.

"She was asking for it! Ask any of the patients who were there, Denny is still sat outside and saw everything!"

One of the other patients at the desk put her arm around Keri's shoulders because she knew what Bitch was like and felt so sympathetic because of how hysterical Keri's crying was. Keri never cries that badly in front of people unless there's a VERY good reason for it. 

Suddenly Bitch came in from the garden and shouted Keri had stolen her cigarettes (which obviously she hadn't done and everyone knew that). One of the staff set the alarms off as it was obvious another fight was going to break out. 

"What's going on?" they asked.

"There's been a fight out in the garden," one of the nurses said.

Seven members of staff ended up having to sort out the situation. Two members of staff walked with Bitch to her room, not even holding onto her. She was still shouting provoking comments so Keri tried going for her again but there were too many staff members around and she ended up getting restrained by Cat and Andrex. They held onto her arms and tried getting her to her room down in the HDU. After they'd got there and it looked like Keri wasn't going to kick off and try running back to hit Bitch, Andrex left and Keri was sat with Cat on her bed. 

They had a long chat and Cat unlocked the HDU garden and sat with Keri while she had a cigarette and calmed down.

"Keri, I don't want you to feel like you're being punished," Cat said while they sat outside. "But I think it's best if we keep you staying down in the HDU for a while until you've calmed down. After that, and when you're calmer, then you can start using the communal areas okay? Will you give me your word that you won't try climbing the fence?"

"I won't," said Keri. "I feel a bit calmer now. I think some time out here with some cigarettes and watching something on my iPad will help. But I need to make a coffee."

"Give me your mug and I'll go to the dining area and get you a mug of hot water, then you can sort out your coffee down here."

Five minutes later and Keri was sat watching Orphan Black (great new series on the BBC if you haven't seen it yet), with a pack of cigarettes and a cup of coffee. After a couple of hours she was out in the communal areas again and hasn't seen Bitch since their fight!

The staff managed to persuade Keri to go down to Woodside to the gymnasium for an hour of badminton. This, in a way, is a good thing as it got her off the ward and away from Bitch. But the problem is it's exercise and Keri gets very obsessive. She's had nothing to eat today and all she thought about while playing badminton wasn't about winning or losing, it was about calories. It was a good time though, it was a good group of patients that went down with staff, all of which had unescorted leave besides Keri; but staff were there so it wasn't an issue as they were only going to the outpatients and therapies ward - aka Woodside.

Keri's finally been given a key to her room which also has a personal alarm attached to it just in case Bitch starts getting in her face again, Keri can just set it off and the staff will come out and make sure no other physical fights happen. The problem is it involved Keri being restrained again. All of it has to be put down on paperwork. They'll also have to write down on her risk assessment about physical aggression to other patients. Even though Keri was heavily provoked, it was still her that initiated a physical fight. With all this on her record, it's not looking good for her ward round. Luckily the staff know what Bitch is like and are going to try getting her moved again. Brian came to see Keri while she was restricted to the HDU for a short time and said that Bitch had been told she wasn't allowed near Keri and if she did then the staff would remove her from wherever Keri was; for instance if Keri was sat smoking and chatting in the communal garden and Bitch came out and started provoking her again then the staff would come out and take her either to the female garden or just onto the ward so that another fight doesn't break out.

Overall the staff are quite wary around Keri at the moment due to her risk and unpredictability. After speaking to Cat this morning Keri apologised about the night before and said she'd dissociated. Cat already knew that this was the case due to the extreme difference in her normal behaviour. Keri has never sworn at the staff directly or been violent towards them. Sally on the other hand did that last night, calling them pricks and trying to punch them. It was quite clear that it wasn't Keri. She's quite glad that the staff knew that! They've obviously learned over time about Keri's DID and what happens if she dissociates, especially if it's Sally.

Well, it's gone 12.30am so Keri will be going and getting her fifth dose of medication soon. I doubt she'll sleep very quickly though. She's too wound up. So I will just keep updating the DID page every now and then until she goes to sleep. I doubt it'll be for another few hours.

As they say, tomorrow is another day. A clean slate.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 51

Written by Fox.

DAY 51 - 27th September, Friday

Would it surprise you if I was to say Keri hibernated again today? I bet it doesn't. These sleeping tablets are pathetic! She was woken up by the physiotherapist knocking on her door. Keri rapidly dumped some clothes on and let her in, along with the student physio that was with her. Keri said she didn't want to go down to the gym today so they're starting their physio back up again on Monday, hopefully. We need to get Keri's joints sorted or they're going to get worse in later life (that's if she has a later life after the disaster that happened today!)

Keri had her psychotherapy session today. I was asleep at the time but Keri's psychotherapist was going to take her down to another ward where they were doing a wildlife thing and they'd brought in two owls! Clarissa spent ages trying to wake me up as she knows I love that kind of thing. Keri got around to seeing one owl before I ended coming out and seeing both of them. That annoyed Keri! She even said to her psychotherapist that it was unfair I got to see the barn owl before she did. They were beautiful! Overall the session went well. I only came out to see the owls and then went back in again so Keri could finish her session.

At around 4.30, less than an hour after finishing with her psychotherapist, she asked the staff if she could go to the supermarket and get more cigarettes. Turns out she'd been granted unescorted leave for half an hour! Apparently it would look good on her tribunal paperwork if she managed it well. Keri decided that she'd buy the cigarettes and then go back to the ward. Her mood was stable and a little perky, which is always a danger sign as it means she's a lot more impulsive. Yes, she got her cigarettes, but as she was coming back the bus she'd need to get on to get to Clifton was just sat there. No one was getting on or coming off. Suddenly she just ran to the bus, bought a ticket and settled herself in a seat, not believing her luck. After she'd got on the bus left the stop. Keri thought it was fate calling her...

It took a while for Keri to get to the suspension bridge but when she did she went up there and had a cigarette. There was a group of tourists taking photos of each other on both sides of the bridge, right in the middle of where Keri wanted to jump (the longest drop). So she had to hang around for a few minutes. Unfortunately for her one of the security guards recognised her and clocked on. It took a very short time for two police cars to turn up. The officers had to keep a tight hold on her because she was desperate not to be back at the hospital. Because she was kicking up a storm, they called in for back up (bearing in mind there were already four officers there) so that they could get a van to take her back to the hospital, it was the only place they could legally take her. While they waited, two of them kept hold of her while one of them chatted.

"So what made you want to come up here and want to kill yourself?" he said.

"I've got nothing left to lose," Keri said, tears in her eyes. "I've been sectioned in that place for over 7 fucking weeks. I can't take it any more."

"Well, we've got a missing person report about you that's been called in so there are people that care."

"They don't care. It's their job. If they hadn't phoned you and I'd managed to get over the side of that bridge then they'd be the ones held responsible."

Keri was in a deep depression and the last thing she wanted was to be back in hospital. To her there were only two options, fight tooth and nail so they couldn't take her to the hospital and hopefully get off the bridge or go back to hospital with no issue. With Sally helping Keri with both strength and anger, she fought tooth and nail.

When the van eventually arrived they all agreed they would have to put her in the cage. In the circumstances they were quite sympathetic towards her but still ended up having to put handcuffs on her because of her own safety. Even with handcuffs on it took 5 police officers to restrain her, carry her to the cage, and keep her in there. One of the officers decided he should stay with Keri as she started violently banging her head against the cage door. It seemed like a very long journey. The officer tried to make small talk whenever she looked like she was getting agitated again so he was quite perceptive.

When they finally made it to the ward, one of the officers went to talk to the staff and then he came back out so that he could let Keri and the other officer out of the cage. He opened up the door and said, "There we go, there's a bit of air. Bit muggy in there isn't it?"

Keri tried her hardest to run away but the officers wouldn't let her. Instead they forced her to sit down on the step outside the open doors of the cage. It was Cat who ended up coming out to greet Keri and the officers.

"Oh, Keri," Cat said, crouching down beside her. "Let's get you back into the unit and we can have a chat."

"No, I'm not going back in there!" Keri cried, starting to kick off again. "You won't let me back out!" Cat took one arm, an officer took the other while the other one walked behind them.

"Would you mind holding her other arm while I just unlock these doors?" Cat asked the other officer.

They swapped roles and Keri was still fighting, even with handcuffs on. Someone else opened the door for them anyway so the officers pulled Keri down with Cat through the corridor as she was so stressed out her adrenalin was saying fight fight! And so was Sally. At first Keri thought they were just putting her in her room but they walked straight past it. Then that beep, the beep of a locked door being opened, the little beep of the locked seclusion unit.

The officers managed to get Keri sat down on a chair. There were 3 members of staff there with them; Cat, Andrex and Nick.

"Is this area secure?" asked one of the officers.

"Yes, she can't get out at all," Cat said.

"Right," he said, getting something out of his belt and crouching by Keri. "Let's get these handcuffs off you now, eh?"

Thank god the handcuffs were off. They were causing Keri a great deal of pain because of the amount of struggling she was doing. The police officers saw themselves out while Cat sat next to Keri. Keri was rocking, twitching and hyperventilating. 

"They're going to bring you some medication to calm you down, okay Keri?" Cat said.

Andrex then said, "New admission, we're going to have to move Keri."

"Oh God," Cat said, taking hold of Keri's arm, with Nick taking the other. "Come on, Keri, let's take you to your room."

They managed to get her to her room but Keri was still refusing any medication. She was half Sally half Keri and it wasn't good. Sally was most domineering. The staff let go of Keri's arms when they sat her between them on her bed. After a few minutes of them trying to persuade her to take some sedatives, Keri lost her temper.

"No, no, no," she shouted, tearing off her headphones and her bag. "I don't want your pills. I want to leave!" Then she suddenly shot out of her room and out into the garden to get over the fence.

"Keri, we're not letting you leave the hospital now come on," Cat said as herself and Nick dragged her back to her room, setting off the alarm. This time they sat Keri on the bed but didn't stop restraining her.

"Keri you can't stay like this," Cat said. "You've got no choice. We're going to have to give you your medication whether you want it or not. Either you take it orally or we're going to have to give you an intramuscular injection."

"I don't want your poison running through me!" Keri said, still trying to get out of their grip. The staff that had come running after the alarm had gone off replaced Cat as she went to go and prepare the injection. A doctor also came to talk to her to see what she could do. 

"I've never seen you so anxious, Keri," she said. "What's brought all this on?"

"I don't.. I don't.. I don't know," Keri replied. "I need.. to.. to.. leave."

She was still hyperventilating and the doctor was growing increasingly concerned about how long Keri's heart rate had been so high. She left and was later joined by Cat and Andrex. Caramel and Nick were still holding her arms. By this point Keri was tunnelling further and further away from her conscious. She was fully tensed up, fists clenched, staring unblinking at the floor while the staff held her. Now, if Keri's foster parents had been in this situation then they'd have known straight away that it was a "Look out, Sally!" moment.

After about another few minutes of Keri being completely unresponsive to anyone talking to her (she'd reached a full dissociative state that she has between switches) Sally burst out like an explosion and the staff weren't ready for it. Cat was crouched right in front of Keri and Sally went straight for her and shouted, "Back the fuck off!" Immediately this had turned into a completely different situation and it wasn't only Keri that was in danger but also the staff. The alarm was set off again. As soon as Sally had went for Cat the three members of staff grabbed hold of her while another one pulled out Keri's bed from against the wall so that they could restrain Sally face down on the bed so that Cat could administer the injection. Keri suddenly came back and found herself being held down very tightly by staff and feeling a prick at the top of her arse.

"What the hell are you doing to me?" Keri said.

They kept Keri restrained face down for a good ten minutes until she stopped fighting against them. She felt totally drained. Eventually she was allowed to sit up and was kept on one to one obs for half an hour to make sure things didn't kick off again. No one could tell her what was in the injection but the general consensus seems to be that it was a high dose of Lorazepam. This was at 8.30pm. She's now back on 10 minute obs, unsurprisingly!

Keri was definitely calmer for the rest of this evening. Calmer? More like a walking zombie. That's because at 8.30pm she was injected with Lorazepam, then at 10.30 she was given Quetiapine, Mirtazapine, Diazepam and Promethazine, then at 1am she was given Zopiclone and more Lorazepam! Why the hell is she still conscious? It's gone 3.30am! I do think she's close to collapsing though so I'm not going to talk anymore! I'm going to see if she settles into bed. There's no way she'll be up tomorrow morning! If she is then she's dissociated into someone else!

Love you guys! Tough day but it feels good to vent to people who can understand to some extent. Our DID page and blog is for those in recovery, just being diagnosed, or are living a good life managing their condition. It's also for their loved ones, friends, and for anyone with comorbid conditions likes schizophrenia, depression, borderline personality disorder... But without the support from you guys I don't think I'd have enough motivation to try and help Keri. I thank you all for that! 

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 50

Written by Fox.

DAY 50 - 26th September, Thursday

Another day with the same start, it's a bit like Groundhog Day! Not sleeping until 4 again, not getting out of bed until the afternoon... Although the physiotherapist came to see her today and she said she'd come by to see Keri about 2pm tomorrow as she's now back from her holiday. Will Keri be out of bed? Who knows!

One of the workers from the Bristol Intensive Team came onto the ward today. There's normally two of them that each spend a day on the ward talking to patients. The woman Keri was speaking to was nice and Keri told her about how she felt like a guinea pig. A doctor (who started just as Keri was admitted) spent over an hour with Keri asking question after question about her DID! It's the same with student doctors. The first person suggested is Keri, it's rare to come across a patient face to face with DID and none of the doctors have ever treated someone on the ward with it before. So Keri feels like she's being interrogated. She's not even here because of us, she's here because of her psychosis!

Keri's been feeling quite awkward around Mick today as she doesn't know what she can hide from him and what she can tell him. They've been quite openly hugging and such and Keri, along with Mick and two other patients, spent a couple of hours in the garden in absolute hysterics! I love it when Keri has some good moments, they do happen! It's not depression 100% of the time. She may still be suicidal but that doesn't mean she can't laugh. Speaking of which her key nurse is going to try and get the doctor to sign Keri off for some unescorted leave at the weekend! Fucking ridiculous! She'll be dragged back by police, that's if they get to her before she gets to the suspension bridge. It's an idiotic idea, she's still suicidal, she's still paranoid and she's still hallucinating - so what is the logic in letting her out on her own?!

Keri's been moved down to the HDU now - or as it's called "The Annexe". It's very quiet! There's only 4 women's rooms and then the seclusion room (which luckily isn't used much). One of the rooms isn't being used at the moment, or the patient is on leave, but the other two Keri gets along with really well. And they're trustworthy. They can't get a key for Keri until tomorrow so she's had to leave it unlocked but the other two patients are trustworthy and friendly so it's not an issue. For part of the evening Keri had her door wide open sitting on her bed while one of the girls opposite her had her bedroom door open sitting on her bed and they were just doing their own thing and chatting from time to time. It's very different from being up on the main ward, although Keri does still have access to it so she can still use the female lounge and the communal garden and such so it's all good. The Annexe can be locked off from the main ward if necessary so no one can go in and out of it but that's a rare thing to happen. Maybe she'll be able to get a decent night of sleep because she feels safer... Although it's nearly 2am and Keri took her Promethazine at 1am so the staff will obviously feed back to the psychiatrist on Tuesday during her ward round that the dose of it needs to go up, the problem with that is she'll find it very difficult to get up or think clearly in the mornings as it's a very strong tablet when the dose is maxed out.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 47, 48 & 49

Written by Fox.

DAY 47 - 23rd September, Monday

Keri hibernated again after not settling until 5am. She stayed in bed late. Bitch was way out of line by calling Keri "Frankenstein" due to the scars on her face (one on her cheek she had stitched because of Sally and the rest she's done on her forehead during her current psychosis). Dizzy backed Keri up because it was clearly how much Keri was losing his temper.

Quite soon after this, Jay took Keri to the supermarket and said how close she was to punching Bitch. Know what he turned around to Keri and said?! "Well, when you do it give her one from me"! Haha. So it's clear how much everyone dislikes her. Jay told Keri that Bitch was being assessed the next day and she's going to be transferred to a different ward as it's her personality that's malicious not her illness, thank heavens!

Keri's foster mum visited today and Keri was really happy to see her and hear about the 'mania' of the usual house environment! It gives her some sense of normality and she likes to hear that her family are mokay. She also brought up all the rest of Keri's clothes! I mean, seriously, how can someone have so many clothes? Then I clocked on to the fact that some of it is Clarissa's, some Sally's, some mine, some Trixie's and so on... Me and Keri ended up playing a massive game of clothing Tetris trying to find a way to fit it all in! We managed it though! A lot easier than I thought it was going to be if I'm honest, and quicker. We had plenty of time. Keri had no plans to even get ready for bed until gone 4am so we had a fair amount of time. I did some tidying as well so the room is looking good!

DAY 48 - 24th September, Tuesday

Because of the fact Keri didn't go to sleep until 5am again she hibernated and missed the hospital's weekly yoga session. Unfortunately they've changed the time from 2pm to 11am. With Keri not being able to settle until very late she's not capable of getting up at that time! I thought it would motivate her to get out of bed. She even set an alarm. It didn't work though. She just looked at the alarm, thought 'Fuck it', turned it off and just rolled over and slipped into a daydream.

Keri had her ward round today. She was expecting it to be like every other time; no medication change, no leave, no discharge and overall no progress. However the concern about her sleep deprivation came up and her sleeping tablets have been changed. Instead of them being on her regular prescription and having to have them at 10pm, they've put her Zopiclone on her PRN chart and also added Promethazine. Even though the Promethazine is on her PRN chart it's still a regular medication, it's just so she can take it about 1am ish instead of having to stick to a specific time. When the nurse gave to her at about 1am she said, "We've been told this is really effective and because of your size it'll probably knock you sideways. If not then we'll double the dose if you still aren't settling. However the downside to it is patients tend to feel very groggy and out of focus in the mornings." 

Hoping for good luck as it appears to have a good review! Most of the milder sleeping tablets work for the rest of the patients so Keri is only one of a select few who have had to be put on quite strong ones.

Keri's obs were due to be checked today but it took all day for her to be persuaded to have them done as it also includes weighing her. She wanted to know her weight as if she'd put on weight she wasn't going to eat for a week. She thought she'd put on loads as she feels absolutely huge and has been bingeing loads and throwing up. Eventually she went and had everything checked. Blood pressure was fine but her pulse was over 130! And to Keri's surprise she's lost 3 kilos in about a fortnight! She was literally crying for joy when she came out of that clinic room!

So, let's see what happens with this Promethazine. It's after 2am now so clearly she needs a higher dose...

DAY 49 (7 weeks) - 25th September, Wednesday

It's been a fairly reasonable day today actually! The Promethazine cut off about an hour for Keri settling so she's getting sorted for bed at about 3.30am now. The nurse has said it might take a few days to build up in her system but if she still can't settle at a more reasonable hour by the time her next ward round hits then they'll double up the dosage.

Keri's personal advisor from social services visited today and Keri had a good chat with her. They spent a lot of time on hold on the phone while she was trying to sort out Keri's benefits! The first time when they eventually got through it turned out to be the wrong number. Then the second time they eventually got through her PA was told that they'd already been notified of change of circumstance a week ago! All that terrible hold music for nothing. I can't stand listening to the same section of classical music playing over and over again. Can people not go for a more upbeat kind of song? At least you can get motivated to clean your entire downstairs of your house while being on hold for an hour with the phone sat on the side on loud speaker!

Keri got some more time off the ward. She's pretty depressed as nearly everyone who was here when she was admitted (or soon after she was admitted) have gone! Lucinda left today along with four others over the course of today and yesterday. Keri's also being moved down to the High Dependency Unit. She still has access to the rest of the unit but it's quieter down there with only four women's rooms and they're checked on every ten minutes. Keri was supposed to moved today but the bedroom she was going to be moving into still had a patient! There's been a delay with the patient's discharge so it won't be until tomorrow.

Now there's 3 new admissions wandering around, along with a guy that Keri's loving at the moment who was transferred to the men's intensive psychiatric care unit next to the unit we're on. He was there for 2 weeks and now he's back. Keri knew him before he got transferred and has spent a long time chatting to him this evening! 

Keri's evening has been spent outside, lying on the grass with 'Mick' (pseudo name). Mick went and got some blankets and pillows and laid them on the grass so the pair of them could lie down and look at the stars, except it's too cloudy to see any stars! So instead they just chatted and chatted... then chatted some more... smoked... chatted some more. Eventually he held Keri's hand and said, "Don't hurt yourself any more. You're beautiful. Don't be embarrassed by those scars. People are judgemental. It's just skin. You're worth so much more than that." Wait, what? A compliment? She's beautiful? She's worth something? I have to admit they were pissing themselves with laughter together, they're both dirty minded and have a black sense of humour and their personalities are like ying and yang. In the end he looked her in the eye and tried to kiss her. Keri decided no.

"Not now, Mick," she said, slowly moving his hand from her face (slightly intimate moment without Clarissa being involved in the slightest!).

"I can see it in those eyes," he said, as Keri couldn't help but smile.

"I know you can, but I don't want to have a proper kiss with you yet."

"Name 3 reasons why."

"Well, the first one is that I want to get to know you even better than I do already so I can trust you. The second one is we're in hospital, if you're serious about a relationship I don't want it started in a psychiatric hospital. Are you serious?"

"Of course I am," said Mick, looking slightly offended. "You don't think I'm genuine?"

"No, I do," Keri said. "I've just had my fair share of untrustworthy people."

"I see what you mean," he said, still looking in her eyes. "Just a small kiss?"

With a grin on her face she decided to give him a small kiss on the lips. You don't want to know what went through her head but Clarissa was definitely there!

"You wanted more than just a small kiss," said Mick after he pulled away.

How was Keri supposed to tell him that an alter personality was all too willing to give him a full on kiss with no issue of trust or boundaries? Instead she just blushed while Mick teased her red cheeks and they carried on chatting. They were lying out there for at least a couple of hours until it started coming up to midnight. The staff must know something's going on just from their body language. They were laying propped up on their elbows facing each other. It was clear that Keri felt very comfortable being around Mick. There was no pressure and they're great friends. Mick has PTSD which he developed after being in the army for 3 and a half years, he's 21 and I'm not a match maker myself but I think they go beautifully together. Mick has already said he wants to take Keri out for a meal, ha! He knows that's going to be hard work! Her foster parents didn't even manage once! And the one time they did it was because I was out and wanted to have lunch with them! I just hope Keri isn't let down again. I'm a good judge of character and this guy has such a good heart, but Keri's self esteem is very low. She's held a lot back about her illnesses because she's afraid of scaring him away. That might change tomorrow!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 46

Written by Fox.

DAY 46 - 22nd September, Sunday

Keri has gotten into the routine of staying up until about 5am, she's not even getting tired. It's obviously taking its toll as she didn't even bother getting out of bed until nearly 3pm. She's got nothing to motivate her to get up! She just doesn't care anymore. She hasn't eaten, she didn't take her morning medication and has fidgeted and been feeling suicidal all day.

She asked for escorted leave about an hour after she got out of bed. She was expecting them to say no as she hadn't had any of her medication and she was obviously very agitated. Amazingly they decided to let her out. Caramel took her for a walk. Keri had no intention of going back to the unit. She had her money and all she had to do was wait for the bus so they made their way to the bus stop and sat in the shelter. After about half an hour Keri's escorted leave time was up.

"Right, ready to make our way back to the ward?" Caramel said to Keri.

"No, I need to wait," Keri said, glancing down at the road to see if the bus was going to arrive. It was due any moment.

"Wait for what?" Caramel asked.

"We're standing in a bus stop..." Keri said, knowing full well that Caramel knew what she meant.

"Keri you're not getting on a bus," Caramel said.

"Why not? You can't stop me," Keri snapped at her.

"Actually I can," she said, looking concerned. "I'd stop the bus driver from leaving and have to call the police as you're on a section. You'll hold everyone up waiting for the police for them to then take you 200 metres to the ward. Do you want to cause a big scene?" Caramel said.

"For god sake," Keri said.

At that point the bus was starting to turn up.

"Come on, let's get over the other side of the road before the bus gets to the stop," Caramel said. "Where were you planning on going?"

"Clifton," Keri said.

"Why Clifton?"

"The tourist attractions."

"I love the fact you can still be sarcastic."

Keri ended up walking with her over the road, it was clear how hesitant she was. As they strolled slowly back, Keri decided to clarify something.

"You know with most of the patients that they've got unescorted leave?" Keri said. "You have to wait about an hour after they're return time to call the police don't you?"

"Yeah we do," Caramel said. "Any time within an hour, normally we wait an hour."

"So I take it with escorted leave then you wouldn't wait an hour? Like if I managed to get on the bus with no one stopping me?" Keri said.

"We'd call the police straight away," Caramel said. "You probably wouldn't even make it to the next stop."

More bad news, Keri thought. She carried on walking with Caramel and went back onto the ward, still very agitated. She didn't want to speak to anyone but her key nurse gave her her 6pm dose of Diazepam and said that she'd come and find her to have a chat after she'd finished dispensing the medication. 

After about half an hour, Cat turned up and started chatting. They ended up talking mainly about me, Clari, Sally and Trixie. Keri mentioned the fact that money was missing and Clarissa goes to drugs and alcohol if she can't use sex as an outlet. Keri also talked about Robyn and how dangerously close it was for Sally to come out and be physically aggressive to her. Keri doesn't want to end up in trouble over something she wouldn't even remember doing.

The big news for today. Unfortunately Keri tried (and clearly failed) to kill herself about an hour or two ago. She took her evening medication (a combination of Diazepam, Zopiclone, Quetiapine and Mirtazapine) at about 11pm and waited an hour or so for them all to kick in. She then decided to write a short suicide note and leave some drawings and photos. She stood in front of her bathroom mirror and addressed all of us and said, "Right, if anyone's got any objections to what I'm about to do, say it now."

None of us said a word. I kept Jimmy in his room and didn't say anything to object. I'm starting to feel very run down and low myself. I don't have any energy and it's getting close to 7 weeks that we've all been locked in here. Plus Caramel said that because of what happened with the bus issue then she won't be granted any unescorted leave on Tuesday in her ward round. Yet another week.

Keri waited until she knew they'd checked through the hatch in her bedroom door, which they do hourly. As soon as she'd been checked, she grabbed a carrier bag and went into her bathroom, shutting the door and chucking her dressing gown on the floor as some kind of pillow. She looked in the mirror and said, "I'm sorry." She then put the bag over her head, lay on the floor and tied it as tightly as she could so that no air could get in through any gaps. She'd set a reminder on her iPad for 00.55am, 5 minutes before her next check was due. After 15 minutes she was feeling strangely calm and lethargic. The thoughts in her head weren't of panic or confusion, they were of peace, knowing that she'd finally no longer be in pain. This carried on but then her reminder went off! Keri was still conscious, barely, so she knew that 5 more minutes would only put her into a state of unconsciousness but wouldn't kill her. She forced herself to undo the bag and ended up gasping for air. Her head was hurting, she was hyperventilating, she was dizzy and barely had any energy to stand. She burst into tears. She was thinking that she was such a failure she couldn't even kill herself within an hour.

It's now nearly 2am and I've come out to do the blog post. I think she'll probably be asking for some Lorazepam soon so that she can actually go to sleep. She's feeling so depressed and low. She's thinking of trying it again at some stage, although not tonight. She's not telling staff as if she told staff what happened then they'd either take away her carrier bags or put her on one-to-one observation. She's seeing her psychotherapist tomorrow afternoon so hopefully Keri is at least open with her about things.

What a day...

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 45

Written by Fox.

DAY 45 - Saturday, 21st September

Well she was up again until about 5am before settling. Night times are really bad for her at the moment and the staff have noticed how much more revved up she gets at night. Hopefully by the time it gets to her ward round her medication can be changed. She's already on Quetiapine, Mirtazapine, Zopiclone and Diazepam! It's doing nothing. Well, I say it's doing nothing but you should see her when she's not on it! It's really not a nice feeling, especially when she gets withdrawal.

Keri got her surprise visit from her mum and her mum's partner. It wasn't a surprise to me, I just hadn't told her. I'd been putting it off for ages but in the end it was a case of "We're visiting!". The nurse knocked on Keri's door and said she had visitors.

"Who?" she asked. It was Saturday. Her foster mum was usually up to the eyeballs on weekends and none of her mental health or social care workers worked during the weekends.

"I don't know," the nurse said (let's call her Caramel!). "They just said they've come to see you."

Now hold on, what kind of security is that? Someone turns up at the door, says they're here to visit someone and that's it? Sounds a bit dodgy in my opinion but anyway, moving on.

Keri took her visitors into the communal garden so her and her mum could smoke. J doesn't smoke but was with us anyway (Keri's mum's partner). They'd brought along with them cookies, chocolate and cigarettes and also a load of old photographs, get well soon cards, the autobiography Keri did but doesn't remember doing as Alice helped with that! Her mum even bought down all of Keri's drawings over the couple of years she was in and out of hospital. I'm not kidding you, the pile is nearly an inch thick! Her wall will be covered once she puts them up. Maybe not all of them as some of her drawings are quite graphic and depressing.

There were a few issues with Bitch. She started probing and asking Keri's mum why Keri was put up for adoption. Keri lost her temper and shouted, "I wasn't put up for adoption I was put into care! It's none of your business so just leave it and move on okay?" Keri's mum was trying to hide it but Keri could see it was upsetting her. In the end Bitch turned round to Keri and said, "Well you must've been a filthy rotten cow then." That was it. Keri was straight in to get staff to come out so that Keri wasn't forced to let Sally deal with things. The staff spoke to Bitch but she still lingered. At one point Keri's mum and J had to calm her down to stop her going off and being physically aggressive; although in between walking from the bench to Bitch then she would've dissociated and Sally would've finished the job.

Overall the visit wasn't too bad even though it surprised Keri. Her mum even gave her her teddy bear to keep for now. Apparently he's called Benji. He's sweet. She also handed Keri a sealed card when she left for Keri to read when they were gone. I've got to say, Keri has never felt so depressed and confused. She's got a combination of guilt, regret, depression, anxiety... Name any negative emotion right now and she's got it! But that's because of the complexity of the family relationships plus the personal stuff written in the card. There's a lot of underlying things going on.

Bitch just got worse through the day and in the end Keri had a one to one session with Caramel. Keri felt a little better afterwards. She just wanted to vent really. She's having another one to one session with her tomorrow. Keri wants to see her mum but if the hospital doesn't think it's appropriate they might not let it happen. As far as I'm aware there's been talk of that but it's not been directly said or written down, it's people's opinions really.

Keri lost it with Bitch this evening. Keri was using the cold shoulder technique but it didn't stop Bitch from trying to degrade Keri or make her lose her temper. In the end Bitch just turned round to Keri and said, "Well, you should just kill yourself". WHAT? EXCUSE ME? I could not believe she actually said those words to Keri. Even for Keri it went over a line that shouldn't be crossed so this evening she wrote a letter which I emailed to the charge nurse working tonight. He's printed a copy to hand to the hospital admin and because of the seriousness of the issue he's also said (after reading what Keri had written) that he wanted to forward it on to the consultant psychiatrists with Keri's permission. Keri was all to happy to give her permission so they'll see that on Monday. Let's just hope Keri holds out until then. Sally's gleeful over the fact Bitch could push Keri over the edge which means she can come out and beat the crap out of Bitch. Although many patients and staff, including Keri, wouldn't mind Sally doing that!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 44

Written by Fox.

DAY 44 - 20th September, Friday

Another night of nightmares and another night of not getting to sleep, this time not even settling until nearly 5am! So she ended up hibernating until 12pm when a nurse came in and said that her personal advisor from Wiltshire Social Services was here to see her. That meant Keri leaping out of bed, running around to dump some clothes on, scuffling her hair about a bit to make it more presentable, grabbing her cigarettes and then making her way to reception. Her P.A. had bought some more of her stuff over, including makeup for Clarissa (and Trix if she comes out) and Jimmy's Lego! So he can have some pre-arranged time out to play properly. I've completely run out of ideas to keep him occupied while he's inside and Keri's out. Now it'll be hard to get him back in if we let him out to play with the Lego!

Keri had her psychotherapy session today. It didn't start well as only a minute before her psychotherapist arrived one of the patients (let's call her Bitch!) really annoyed her. Dizzy was out there defending Keri as she's normally quite passive but after a while she lost her temper and was quite literally screaming at Bitch. I've never heard her so angry. If her psychotherapist hadn't arrived it would've ended up with Sally coming out properly instead of only partially and turning it into a full-blown physical fight; not something we want happening if we want to be discharged!

Her therapy session was quite good. I didn't spend much time with them. I was getting increasingly suspicious of Clarissa. She'd been out for a short time earlier in the day but I had no idea what for. I was right to be suspicious as well because she's been out again (just after dinner time) and there's ten pounds missing from Keri's purse. I really hope Clarissa hasn't found someone who is dealing cannabis otherwise that will just add to our problems, but there's nothing else Clarissa could have used the money on! Normally money missing from her purse could mean clothing, make up, girls stuff, but considering we're in hospital and Keri hadn't gone on any leave while she dissociated then drugs is the only thing she can buy.

Keri went to the supermarket with Abz this evening and decided she was going to binge, but she did it with healthy food like carrot sticks and some vegetable pasta thing. She doesn't feel so guilty about doing it if it's not chocolate or sweets. However it doesn't stop her throwing it all down the toilet... Keri did speak to Abz on the walk back about her alters though. It started off talking about Jimmy because of the Lego Keri has but then it turned to Clarissa. What surprised me, and Keri, was how much Abz knew about Clarissa. She knows that if Keri's wearing make up, flirting and looking quite chirpy then it's not Keri. Abz seemed to know her in and out! She even remembers during our last admission about Clarissa's little party when she drank a bottle of vodka and had some weed, which then led to the staff finding Keri half unconscious on her bathroom floor. Of course, Keri had no idea what had happened until afterwards and hearing the staff talking as they searched her room and put her in the recovery position etc. Clarissa can't get any vodka. Well, I suppose technically she could through another patient just like she's able to get drugs smuggled onto the ward. God damn you, Clarissa! Can you at least try and behave? You can party all you want but let's get out of here first okay?!

OH GOD. Keri's mum and her partner are visiting tomorrow and I've totally forgotten to tell Keri. She knows they're visiting at some stage (really long story and conversations and arguments between me and her, not going to get into it as I could probably write tonnes) but doesn't know it's tomorrow! Sugar, honey, iced tea. Maybe it's better coming from the staff. I'm not going to tell her now as it's gone 3.30am and she needs to settle down. I don't want her racing around until 5am again. This is just getting stupid. She's not even tired at the moment! Just watching Alan Carr's Spexy Beast DVD. He is sort of funny I guess. I think maybe you have to be in the mood? Or maybe my comedy preferences are just different to Keri's. 

P.S. Just an observation but I've noticed if someone ends up in hospital with a broken leg or pneumonia then they're surrounded by 'Get Well Soon' cards. Does that happen when it comes to mental illness? I haven't seen a single person in this hospital with one! Is that because of the stigma attached to being mentally ill? 

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 43

Written by Fox.

DAY 43 - 19th September, Thursday

Keri started the day hibernating as she didn't get to sleep until gone 4am again. The only reason she got up was when a nurse came in at about 1pm and said that her foster parents were coming in to see her. That was motivation enough for her to get up. Even though they aren't technically her foster parents anymore Keri still calls them that, they're still her family.

When they visited they'd brought some of her stuff; two of her posters, her holographic wolf photo, her pink mini dream catcher that her respite carers had bought her and her wind chimes! Plus a painting that she painted. Well, technically she didn't paint it. Little 8 year old Alice did, except she was co-conscious with Keri, which meant that Alice was in control of her body but Keri was still present and sat there painting. It's complicated really but Keri didn't know at the time that she was sharing her body and still thinks she did it herself, which technically she did. It was nice that Liz and Phil came as they made her laugh for the first time in a week! I was glad about that. She's not blaming them about her getting kicked out of her placement so it hasn't effected how she feels about them. Her face almost lights up when she sees them.

One of the patients, Dizzy, was quite down. Keri's made quite good friends with him so seeing him upset made her upset. He was sat outside smoking and Keri asked if there was anything she could do to cheer him up. He said to sing! So, after warning him she had a terrible singing voice, she sang him a song which helped him a lot! People commented on how "sweet" and "soothing" her voice was but of course Keri's low self esteem puts up a brick wall and deflects all the compliments.

With a load of pictures and posters, Keri has now decorated her room. It's totally personalised. That's the sign of any patient who's been in hospital longer than a month and isn't going to be discharged in the near future! It looks nice but I'm slightly put off by the fact she's made the room less clinical. I never wanted her to be here long enough to have to start 'settling in'!

Hopefully Keri will sleep soon as the nurse decided that instead of giving Keri her Zopiclone with her 10pm medication, he said he'd give it to her at 1am to see if that made any difference (1am is the cut off point they make for giving out sleeping tablets). It hasn't made any difference so far although it is only 1.30am after all. If she could then she'd take it more around 2-3am instead if she hadn't settled. Unfortunately she can't mess about with it in hospital as it's very structured, unlike at home where she can take the tablets when she's likely to go to bed or have an extra Zopiclone if the first bunch haven't kicked in. In my opinion, her racing thoughts that are stopping her from settling are all part of the psychosis. Hopefully when that settles down, so will everything else. Fingers crossed!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 42 (6 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 42 - 18th September, Thursday

What are the words I can use about today. Oh dear. That's it.

Keri got up at midday and refused her medication and an hour later asked to be let out on leave. She was told that she wasn't allowed it but they'd check anyway. By about 3.30pm her key nurse came in to her room and Keri asked her if she could go out. Cat said that she wasn't going to allow Keri to leave the ward because of the risk right now but if she took her medication then they could negotiate about it.

Even after taking her medication at about 4pm she was still not allowed any leave. She lost her temper this evening and tried getting over the fence again. She injured her hands and twisted her ankle trying to get over it! In the end she stormed up to the desk and shouted at her key nurse who was sat there and said, "I can't get over the fucking fence!"

"Oh, Keri," Cat said, looking concerned. "Did you try getting over the fence in the HDU?"

Keri just nodded and carried on hiding underneath her hood.

"Come on, let's take you through to the clinic room and have a chat," Cat said.

Keri discussed with Cat about her suicidal thoughts and how annoyed she was that she'd missed the bus and all she wanted to do was get to the suspension bridge. I know from being inside her head that if she's allowed out tomorrow with staff then she's gone.

Cat saw the state Keri was in and how agitated she was so gave her some Lorazepam. She hasn't had it to calm her down for several days so it kind of hit her like a brick in the face. She might even sleep tonight as she also had to have her night time medication a couple of hours after the Lorazepam. Although speaking of that it's nearly 2am so obviously going to sleep early hasn't worked!

Keri's care co-ordinator came to visit her today, accompanied by a student nurse. There was a lot to talk about as her care coordinator needs to write up a report to hand in for Keri's tribunal. We haven't yet got a date but the deadline for her report is 30th September. WHAT? Yes. That's in 12 days. By that time Keri will have been here nearly 8 bloody weeks! And me for that matter, plus Clarissa, plus everyone! Just ridiculous. 

Keri also talked about how lonely she's feeling and how cut off from everyone she is. She's had no visitors for a week, besides the rehab guys that came out to see her yesterday and her care coordinator today; I'm talking about non-therapy and non-assessment visits! I forgot about mentioning the rehab guys! They came to see Keri yesterday to basically introduce themselves and explain how the rehab units work (they both work in the two rehab wards in the hospital). They seemed nice people and Keri seemed positive about them until going deep into the depression. She feels caged and lonely and all she wants is the freedom to go and spend a few hours at home with her foster carers. If I'm honest, that would be better for her mental health!

Keri's care coordinator also mentioned about Keri's foster mum, or ex foster mum, and she's still happy to be Keri's next of kin as it's not deemed as appropriate that Keri's birth mum is her next of kin so they'll have to get some stuff signed from the county court to get that officially written on paper.

I'm highly doubting the staff will take Keri out tomorrow. If she's still suicidal (which she will be) then she'll leave the staff and go to the suspension bridge. Like I've said a few days ago, I've never felt her be so determined. I don't want to die but I've got no energy left to keep coming out and keeping Keri safe. I can barely make it to do these posts or update the page and those are the things that help ME cope better, knowing I'm helping people.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 41

Written by Fox.

DAY 41 - 17th September, Tuesday

Keri got her screening results back from Remy Aquarone today, less than 24 hours after having them sent off! She's printed 5 copies to hand out to people and saved a copy on her iPad so she can print more if needed. Maybe now her psychiatrist might give her PROPER treatment when she gets discharged from hospital. I'm not saying that her art psychotherapist isn't any good, but it would be helpful to be respected by the psychiatrist.

Her ward round didn't go well. She's still not able to be allowed off the ward unescorted and she's still sectioned. It's the same story every week. No changes. No leave. The doctor even talked about lowering her antipsychotics even though Keri had said that she'd stopped pacing so much now the dose was higher! Why lower it if the higher dose is helpful!? In the end no changes were made to her medication either. Even more helpful. The doctor was talking about changing things very slowly. Not even close to a discharge plan.

Because of all this Keri has decided that she's going to bypass getting the bug out of her head and just go straight for suicide, although the bus passes a B&Q so she might end up stopping and having a look at the tools in there before continuing on her journey if she doesn't see anything helpful. I don't know. I can't keep up with her thoughts. They're moving way too quickly.

What's made it worse is that Trixie ended up somehow slipping out and was upset because of the confusion. She thought it was July and wondered why the hell it was September, had no idea where she was and was very confused when a staff member knocked on her door and told her to go down to take her medication when she was ready. She wasn't out for long. I don't know how she got back in as she hasn't learnt how to switch yet so it normally happens by accident.

Please let it be calm tomorrow. I know it probably will be calm in the morning as I think Keri will hibernate again. Probably? Maybe a definite as it has gone 3am and again I haven't had time until now to write the blog post. I thought I might as well take advantage of the fact she's still awake! I found out the opposite of nocturnal last night from Autumn! It's diurnal. Learn something new every day, huh?

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 40

Written by Fox.

DAY 40 - 16th September, Monday

All the days are just rolling into one. Keri hasn't stopped hallucinating all day and she's getting quite freaked out. She went to the supermarket with the intention of running off but found out that Jay was taking her. He left her for a few minutes to go down another aisle and Keri dissociated. I don't know who came out but it wasn't for long and I have no idea what they did. All I remember is Keri realising what happened, running back to where she thought her basket was, grabbing it and then shooting off to the chocolate aisle. Luckily enough it was only seconds before there was the sound of frantic jangling keys as Jay found her. She got safely back at the hospital anyway.

Keri's idea was to start a starvation diet today. Clarissa had other ideas and decided to fill Keri's basket with chocolate and sugar. So Keri spent the evening puking in the toilet. Not so fun as I've had to look after poor Jimmy and his sore throat.

Keri filled out the screening tools from the Pottergate Centre that Remy Aquarone sent, who's actually in telephone contact with Keri's psychotherapist. Keri wants to print off a copy once the answers have been assessed and give it to her psychiatrist. Even though it's plainly obvious Keri has DID and everyone knows this, Keri still bugs her psychiatrist about it because she's ignorant to dissociative disorders by the sounds of it, to the point many of us want to hit her. Yes, we're getting treatment but Keri wants her psychiatrist on board considering she's going to remain Keri's official psychiatrist when she's not in hospital. There's not much option for Keri to change psychiatrists as her care co-ordinator wants her under the care of a consultant because of the complexity, rather than one of the junior psychiatrists. It's bloody complicated!

Keri's ward round is tomorrow and I can already tell that tensions are high. Well, technically it's today as its 2am and I've only just been able to get round to writing this blog post! If Keri isn't going to be given any unescorted leave she's going to go mental. The problem is, they won't give her any until she's no longer in denial! I think tomorrow will be mainly to discuss changes in medication.

If I don't post tomorrow it means Keri's gone mental...

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 37, 38 & 39

Written by Fox.

DAY 37 - 13th September, Friday

Friday the 13th, unlucky for some! Keri stayed in bed until gone 1pm but then actually got up and showered which I was massively surprised at! Unfortunately at the time she was still on 10 minute obs so half way through her shower Jay came in and knocked on the door.

"You okay, Keri?" he shouted through the bathroom door.

"I'm in the shower!" Keri shouted back.

Only a few minutes later and Abz turned up out of nowhere and started knocking on Keri's bathroom door as well.

"Keri? Are you alright?" she shouted.

"Yeah! I'm just finishing my shower!" Keri shouted, somewhat annoyed with the interruptions.

"Well I need to open the door to see you're okay," she said through the door.

"But I've got no clothes on!" Keri shouted.

"I'm sorry Keri but I need to see you," Abz said. "I'm opening the door."

Keri had barely managed to get a towel around herself before Abz popped her head through the door.

"Okay, thanks, just needed to make sure," Abz said, then leaving as if nothing happened. 

Keri was left standing there thinking what the hell? Where's my privacy and dignity? Truth is, we don't have any! Thankfully she then found out that she was back on hourly observation instead of ten minutes.

Overall it was quiet except when Keri's suicidal thoughts go worse. She started feeling the strength of Sally's presence at about 8pm but warned staff that she was feeling a bit "weird". Thankfully nothing happened but she didn't go to sleep until nearly 3am and was awake by 5.30am. Not the greatest of nights.

DAY 38 - 14th September, Saturday

Keri was in bed until nearly 2pm, not asleep but she decided by 7am that she was going to hibernate. She's not sleeping very well but seems to be practising her hibernating skills! 

Today has involved nothing but lots of chocolate, lots of Keri throwing up and lots of Keri hallucinating. She swore that she saw a 4 year old girl outside the female garden and that the girl kept shouting "Mummy!" at Keri. There was no one else in the garden and the girl was looking directly at her. Obviously this caused a great deal of distress which caused Keri to return to her room to continue eating and throwing up afterwards. She was even doing it in the evening when she hadn't even eaten anything. I've no idea why. But that's pretty much that for the day. She's been too scared to tell the staff because she doesn't want to let them see her really upset as her ward round is on Tuesday and she wants them to start talking about a discharge plan!

DAY 39 - 15th September, Sunday

Well, take a guess at what time Keri got up? Gone 2pm. She's so drained and exhausted, I don't know whether it's a medication issue or because of us switching a lot or whether she's coming down with an illness or whether it's caused by the stress she's had, or even if it's a combination of all of the above!

Keri resumed her eat and purge regime today, although this time was slightly healthier with the fact she went through two bags of carrot sticks and a couple of pots of hummus, along with biscuits and some chocolate. I'm expecting her to look orange when she looks in the mirror tomorrow morning! Besides that she's just isolated herself and smoked herself stupid. She said to one of he staff, "If I can't kill myself here then I might as well start my journey towards lung cancer. You people won't even let me leave the ward on my own yet so it's obvious I won't be discharged any time soon." The nurse didn't tell Keri she was wrong, in fact just turned to her and gave her a sympathetic look.

Clarissa. Oh my Jesus. She's been out this evening! I mean late! It's nearly 12.30am so technically it's the 16th now but Clari has been out a lot in the last couple of hours. One of her outlets is sex which she obviously can't have in hospital so her solution (which she found today) was to talk to Lucinda and share dirty sex stories. I hide during these times. The kinds of things Clari and Lucinda have done with men, and women for that matter, is just... I can't even explain it. I've told Clarissa off but she's not listening. She's feeling like a caged animal too and seriously sex deprived! Keri doesn't like Lucinda much as you can't get a word in edge ways because Lucinda is hypomanic. But Clarissa is pretty manic herself so both of them yatter on and on and on and on and on and... well, need I say more?

I'm hoping Keri gets to bed at a reasonable hour but it feels like that won't happen. Her body may feel drained but I can almost see her thoughts swirling around like an out of control roller coaster. I'm calm. She's not. Bit of a weird paradox thing going on. The sleep deprivation only makes Keri worse, but the worse she gets the less she's able to sleep and the less she's able to sleep the worse she gets and so on. A vicious circle. We seem to be getting a lot of those lately.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 36

Written by Fox.

DAY 36 - 12th September, Thursday

Wow. Today has been the longest day ever! Keri refused to get out of bed or have her medication this morning. She planned to go out to the garden and get over the fence when she got up before the staff realised she was out of bed. However when she got outside she found the bin she normally used to prop against the fence had been bolted to the concrete! Another patient, Nicole, was out there and explained that a guy had come round and done it to all the bins. Keri got really pissed off and stormed to the desk.

"I want to go out," she said to the staff.

"Well, at the moment we're not letting you out for your own safety, Keri," said Abz, one of the nurses. Jay was sat next to her and just looked at Keri. It was obvious how distressed she was.

By the time it was 1pm the staff found her huddled on her bathroom floor again crying. Brian was going to be her key nurse for the afternoon and evening. He left to carry on handover while another nurse sat with Keri on the bathroom floor. She spoke to Keri about everything that was happening and encouraged her to actually eat some carrot sticks which Keri had bought which she then did. It was decided that Keri was going to go back onto ten minute observation.

While in the process of eating her carrot sticks, Nicole knocked on her bedroom door.

"Have you seen them?" she whispered. "The gardeners are outside and the gate is wide open, and the door to get out there isn't locked. You can go!"

"Are you being serious?" Keri said, slightly shocked. 

Keri had been talking to Nicole about how she needed to get out that morning when she found the bin bolted to the ground. As soon as Nicole told her this Keri grabbed her bag and shot off out into the garden, only to find that the gardeners were just finishing and locking up the gate. She was devastated.

"Oh, I'm sorry Keri," Nicole said. "First the bin and now that. Are you coming up to the downs this afternoon? You'll have perfect opportunity to go then."

A spark glistened in Keri's eyes. The downs? That was up near the suspension bridge. The perfect place. And she'd be driven up there by taxi! Bonus. Nicole at this point didn't actually realise that when Keri managed to get out of the hospital then she'd kill herself. She thought she was just being helpful as Keri had been locked up for over 5 weeks. Strangely, Abz and Jay encouraged Keri to go up there with them to get off the ward when a few hours beforehand they didn't even want to risk walking her to the supermaket!

A few hours went by and it was time to go. Five other patients were going along with two members of staff. At first, Keri and three other patients got into the first taxi with Abz while Jay and the other two patients waited for the second taxi to arrive. 

As soon as they arrived at the downs Keri sparked up a cigarette and looked over the railings down at the road. Abz stuck close by as Keri decided to climb onto them to get a better view. The other patients were lingering around about ten feet away. At first Keri thought that it was just coincidence that Abz was standing next to her instead of the other patients, but as soon as Keri started walking away from the group Abz stayed with her.

"Keri, I need you to come back with the other patients," she said.

"Well, you can go back and hang around with them then," Keri replied.

"No, I have to stay with you," Abz said.

"Why?" Keri said, eyeing up the suspension bridge, which she'd been doing the moment they'd arrived. Abz had already cottoned on to this.

"You know exactly why," she said. 

After Jay and the other two patients arrived, they went to the ice cream van to choose an ice cream. 

"Let's go and get an ice cream," Abz said.

"No, I don't want one, thanks," Keri said, slowly trying to make her way in the opposite direction.

"Come on," she said, taking hold of one of Keri's arms and pulling her to the ice cream van where everyone else was.

"You must want something," Jay said. "What about a can of coke?"

Keri shook her head and started walking away from the group again and sparked up another cigarette, waiting for the perfect opportunity to just run. 

"Let's go for a walk," Keri said to Abz. "That way." 

Keri was pointing in the general direction of the bridge. 

"We can't Keri, the taxis are waiting for us," she said.

Regardless of what Abz said, Keri went off anyway. Abz must have said something to Jay as he made after Keri. She started speed walking, knowing full well that she wouldn't be able to outrun Jay. He ran to and from work and was planning to do a marathon! 

"Keri, slow down, we need to go back to the taxis," Jay said.

"No we don't, the taxis will drive this way anyway," Keri said, looking in the distance at Abz and the other patients waiting near the taxis with their ice creams.

"Keri, stop, come one," Jay said, taking hold of one of Keri's arms.

"No! I want to go this way!" Keri cried, trying to get Jay off of her.

"Why do you want to go that way?" he said, still keeping hold of her so she couldn't go anywhere.

"You know exactly why I want to go that way," she said, not falling for the faked naivety.

"Then you know exactly why I'm not letting you go that way," Jay said, taking her arm tighter in his grip and starting to pull her back towards the group. 

"No, get off me!" Keri said.

He proceeded to pull Keri's arm next to him and put his other arm around her waist and her other arm so he could get her back to the group more easily. At one point another patient was walking to the taxi and was about ten feet behind Keri and Jay.

"Look!" Keri said. "Nicole's walking all the way back there so lets just turn around and walk that way!"

"No," Jay said.

"Can I bribe you?" she said, half sarcastically.

"Keri, we care about you, you're not going to the bridge," Jay said, still pulling her towards the taxi. "We can go for a walk off the grounds when we get back okay?"

They were now several feet away from the taxis and Keri was seriously not happy.

"No!" Keri cried. "It's so close! I don't want to go back to the hospital!"

Abz went round the other side of Keri and took hold of her other arm so they could get her into the taxi.

"Jay, do you want to get in this taxi?" Abz said as Jay pulled Keri into one of the seats and kept hold of her while she was fighting to get out of the door. Three other patients got in with them while Abz and the other two patients got into the other taxi.

"Can you secure the back doors please?" Abz asked the driver through the front window.

Then they were on their way back. Keri soon caught on to the fact that when the red light was on it meant the doors were locked, but if the taxi was sat still for about 30 seconds (like stuck in traffic) then there would be a click and the red light would turn off. At one point she managed to half get out of the grip of Jay's arm around her with her other arm being held by his other hand. She managed to reach across two patients and get the door open while the taxi driver started driving! Jay instantly restrained her and got Nicole to shut the taxi door back up. Jay had caught on to when the doors were being automatically unlocked and each time they were he'd tighten his grip when he felt Keri start tensing up ready to go. He kept her restrained for the whole journey. Even when it got to the point that they'd arrived just outside the unit, Jay kept hold of her until the other patients had gone. He only had hold of one of her arms so she tried leaping out of the taxi and twisting her arm to get out of his grip so she could leg it to a bus stop somewhere away from the hospital.

"Come on, Keri," Jay said, trying to comfort her. "We have to get you back on the unit." 

He pulled her towards the entrance and kept struggling until the point when she was through the door, at which point she gave up and just walked to the female garden to sit and have a cigarette. Lucinda was out there and got on Keri's nerves. She didn't even register that Keri had tears running down her face and just chattered about some crap.

Nicole came out eventually and sat with Keri, talking about how much of a failure today had been about Keri trying to get away and kill herself. I can tell you this, her intent has never been so strong. If she doesn't do something desperate like suffocate herself with a carrier bag (on ten minute obs that'd be almost impossible) and manages to get to the suspension bridge, there'd be absolutely no hesitation. That would be it, which would leave a lot of people devastated; and someone would get a lot of money from suing the hospital!

She was told she had to take her medication this evening because of the benzodiazepine withdrawal. So she's started taking her medication again. Will this carry on tomorrow? I really couldn't tell you. What I can tell you is that if Keri doesn't shower when she gets up I'm getting Clari to come out and do it! She's had one shower in the 5 weeks she's been here!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 35 (5 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 35 (5 weeks) - 11th September, Wednesday

I can actually say some good things have happened today. The night was hell. Keri couldn't sleep, couldn't stop crying and in the end needed some Lorazepam to calm her down. She even wrote a letter for her foster parents. Eventually, by 3am, she'd fallen asleep with the help from one of the staff. She was very comforting and kind to Keri. 

Keri didn't even get out of bed until gone 1pm! And that's only because a nurse came in and said her foster parents had turned up to visit! 

"Are you serious?" Keri said, looking at the nurse through blurry eyes.

"Yeah, they're in one of the interview rooms," the nurse said.

"Oh my god, tell them to give me ten minutes," Keri said as she got out of bed. 

She dumped some clothes on, checked her face in the mirror to make sure she looked at least a little bit alive, and then dumped a hat on to hide the fact her hair is so greasy you could fry an egg on it. 

When Keri walked into the interview room with them and had some big hugs, she was close to bursting into tears again. They went out in the garden, smoked and generally chatted. Keri enjoyed their company and gave them the letter she wrote last night while she was in the middle of her constant 3 hour crying. She told them not to open it until they had left though. That's because she'd written about how much she loved them etc and she's not good at wording it verbally and gets embarrassed. She finds it easier to write things like that down. 

As soon as they left she got quite upset again. She was kept on 10 minute observation until this evening when they finally put her back on hourly checks, which Keri is extremely grateful of! Might mean she even has a shower tomorrow morning! That's if she gets out of bed. Definitely an early night today. The amount of medication she's had over the last few days and the constant level of distress has finally hit her like a brick in the face. She's exhausted.

She was even allowed to the supermarket this evening! Under the condition that two members of staff go with her. Even so, she managed to go and get some coffee so her caffeine fixes are all sorted!

Not much else to say about today. If I'm honest, we're all totally exhausted! Besides Sally. She's just angry over the fact the garden she can easily escape from has now been locked until further notice!

I've written this earlier than usual as, like I said, we're all tired so I think Keri will crash tonight.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 34

Written by Fox.

DAY 34 - 10th September, Tuesday

Keri has spent all day still being checked every 10 minutes. Her numbness wore off by the time she woke up this morning so she stayed huddled in a cocoon until about 11am. She then decided that that was that and she wasn't going to bother cooperating any more. She refused her morning medication, refused to communicate with staff and ignored the physiotherapist when she came knocking at the door. This continued until early afternoon.

At about 1.30pm a nurse came out and told Keri she had her medication. Keri was at the reception desk waiting to ask to go out. 

"Keri, I've got your medication here," she said.

"I don't want the fucking pills! I just want to go out!" Keri replied.

"We can't do that, Keri," the nurse said. "Let's go and have a chat."

Keri and two other staff went into one of the interview rooms to have their chat. Keri was still refusing to take the medication and was insistent that there was no point in doing anything the staff asked her anymore, she just kept asking to go out.

"Keri, if you were in our position, would you let one of us out?" asked one of the nurses. 

"But I've got escorted leave, I just want to get out," Keri said.

"You have to tell us where you want to go and for how long," the same nurse asked.

"Tesco," Keri said, the supermarket was only across the road from the hospital.

"Well we're taking away your leave for now," they said. "The risk of you running away from the staff is too high. I'd be devastated and very worried about you if I was in that position. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour and you've put yourself in high risk situations before, sometimes ending up getting quite badly hurt. We're not letting you off the ward at the moment, even with the staff."

There was a lot of conversation about how Keri was feeling. She's absolutely gutted (we all are besides Sally, and jimmy wants his mum and dad back!) about the housing situation and feels there's nothing left to lose. They know how terrible she's feeling through her body language and tone of voice, there's no hiding it. After about an hour they had managed to persuade her to take her medication, which also had additional Lorazepam. Their solution to try and control the situation is to check Keri every 10 minutes and to dose her up on medication. Today she maxed out the amount of PRN Lorazepam she's been prescribed! That's a clear indicator that her medication needs to be reviewed which one of the nurses is going to try and arrange tomorrow as it didn't get discussed during her ward round.

Her ward round didn't take long. It was mainly Keri's care coordinator talking about rehabilitation clinics and getting onto the emergency funding list. Again, there was no discussion of a discharge plan, which means Keri won't be discharged in the near future. She's still got strong intent to drill a hole in her head to get the bug out, except now she's taking it a step further and thinking she may as well jump off the suspension bridge. What's she got left to lose? She doesn't understand that her foster carers love her to pieces even though she doesn't live with them anymore. 

Just to end his post, a little depressing but a key point I think. Keri's been going through the Twilight saga. When she got to the point where Bella and Edward were getting married and Charlie was walking Bella down the aisle, Keri sat there and cried, thinking she'll never get that chance and whether her foster dad would be the one to give her away! So somewhere deep down, she knows her foster parents care about her. The feeling is completely mutual. Keri cares about them as if they were her own flesh and blood. She's also conflicted about her own mother. She's been thinking about moving in with her instead of people playing about with ideas of where she could be put. Where this idea came from I have no idea and I have no idea how that would work, especially with Keri's mixed up feelings about her mum. I think she'd be better in a rehabilitation ward initially. She's not in a position to have the capability to make important choices at the moment. She's still viewed as not having the mental capacity to think and make decisions for herself, hence the fact she's on a section 3!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 33

Written by Fox.

DAY 33 - 9th September, Monday

There are literally no words I can say to describe today. All I can say is that with everything that has happened Keri is completely numb of feeling and has been put on 10 minute checks, she can't even go to the toilet and brush her teeth without someone knocking on her bathroom door going, "You okay in there, Keri? You alright to open the door?" 

The day started reasonably well. Keri was agitated but that's pretty normal. Nothing much happened up until the point I came out and had the psychotherapy session which I found useful. I managed to tell her a lot of things that Keri isn't ready to know about yet. The problem was, near the end of the session a nurse came in to ask if me (thinking I was Keri) and the psychotherapist were ready to go into the 'meeting'. I had no idea a meeting was happening, neither did Keri. This was a hit in the face really but I thought nothing of it. Keri's psychotherapist told me that it wasn't a proper meeting it was just to let Keri know about how the professionals' meeting had gone last week. I went outside for a cigarette while the psychotherapist went into one of the interview rooms so she could join the others. While out smoking I switched and let Keri back out. 

As soon as Keri was out she was pacing around the garden and her psychotherapist came out to get her to go into the meeting, of which she had no knowledge about as I hadn't mentioned it to her. They went into the room and were greeted by Keri's foster mum, Keri's foster mum's supervising social worker and Keri's outreach worker, with her care coordinator yet to arrive. Even I felt tense when Keri sat down in one of the chairs, something was telling me things weren't right. I wasn't wrong. 

Keri's foster mum's social worker started talking and said, "it's been decided that your placement with your foster carers is being terminated."

"When?" Keri asked almost instantly.

"Today," she responded.

Keri didn't even hear the rubbish coming out of this woman's mouth because she got straight up, burst into tears and ran out into the garden to spark up a cigarette. Her psychotherapist came outside after a minute and stood a foot or so away while Keri paced up and down.

"Keri, I'm so sorry," she said.

"How could this happen? The only reason I've been cooperating with staff and taking medication for some illness I don't even have is because I knew I was going home again after all this!" Keri shouted.

"I know and I can't imagine how terrible you're feeling," she said.

"I've got nothing left now! I ruined my biological family and now my foster family has been stolen! That's two families I've managed to fuck up! Screw everyone now! I don't give a shit! I literally have nothing left to lose now! Everything's been taken from me and I haven't done anything wrong! I'm being punished for having some illness that I don't have!" Keri continued shouting, at which point her care coordinator came outside.

"Mind if I join you?" she asked.

"If you're gonna sit there and give me some more fucking bad news then you can piss off!" Keri shouted at her.

"Don't worry, I won't," she said, going to stand next to the psychotherapist.

"I knew there was a fucking reason they hadn't visited me for over a week! They fucking knew! I've been looking forward to home leave for over a week and now those fuckers come in and tell me this?! Fuck this. I'm going to go and get some PRN," Keri shouted again, storming into the unit and straight to the desk.

The staff had obviously been told that Keri was being given some bad news as there was no questions as to why she was crying or why she wanted any PRN medication. They got it straight out for her and gave her some Lorazepam. As soon as she'd taken it she was back outside smoking, her care coordinator and psychotherapist still standing there waiting for her to come back. They spoke to her for a while and her care coordinator said she'd be coming to visit tomorrow to discuss housing options for when she eventually gets discharged (which in my point of view is going to take longer now because of the stress of today's news). I can't remember half of what she said while I was out there as I was bowled over in shock by this point. Were they deliberately trying to sabotage any progress she was making? Why now? Of all the times, why now?

The Lorazepam started kicking in after a few minutes and the three of them went back inside to the interview room.

"Do you have any questions for me, Keri?" Keri's foster mum's social worker asked.

"Why?" Keri asked, just one word.

"Because the level of support you need is too high for our remit to be able to look after you properly. We also need to think about the other foster child," she said.

"What?! That's the reason I came here! To get better from whatever you fuckers think is wrong with me so I can go home again! And I'm not a danger to my kid foster brother! I'm not going to hurt him! I'm fucking here aren't I? I've been cooperating with everyone so I can get the fuck out of here and you've just come in and ruined it all. You've taken everything I have away from me!" Keri shouted, tears streaming down her face.

Her foster mum had been gobsmacked when she'd been told as no one had seen it coming. She said she'd felt numb and been wandering around not knowing what to do with herself. She said her husband was also devastated at the decision, as was everyone else in the family; the family Keri classes as her own. The problem was they had no control over it. The manager had decided and it was out of Keri's foster parents' hands. They couldn't do anything about it. 

At first Keri flew off the handle, then started feeling numb and blocking everything out. By the end of the chat she was zoning out a bit, we all were, which was partly because of the medication she'd had which had taken full effect by that point. Keri's foster mum promised to still come and visit regularly but the manager had said that home visits were banned. If you ask me that's just pushing Keri back to square one. I dread to think what she's going to be like when these feelings kick back in. I think the term I used on my Facebook was "chaos personified". If the alarms are going off several times tomorrow then that's going to mean Keri's numbness has gone and she goes off her nut. Sally's very happy with the decision which is upsetting Keri even more! 

I'm sorry. I'll have to end the post there. I'm getting a bit upset talking about all this. It was good to vent but now I just want to cry. WHY WOULD THEY DO THIS TO HER? TO US?