Sectioned in Hospital - Day 142

Written by Fox.

DAY 142 - 27th December, Friday

I thought today was going to be a calm day but it didn't turn out that way. Keri's been sinking into her depression further and further. She hasn't smiled. She's barely spoken; and when she does speak her voice is flat. She hasn't laughed. She's barely socialised. She's been feeling suicidal. I think that's what triggered Sally to come out this evening.

About twenty minutes before handover Sally decided to jump the fence again. Keri had gone out to have a cigarette and dissociated while out there. What Sally didn't realise was that one of the staff saw her dart over the fence and saw the little bobbles on Keri's hat (a woolly teddy hat one of her foster brothers gave her for Christmas). Obviously they tried to phone Keri's mobile but Sally had no intention of answering. 

With more speed than she's ever had before, Sally made it to the observatory and let Keri out. Keri didn't see any sign of anyone and snuck down the path towards the bridge. She saw a police car circling so hid in the bushes until it went round on it's next circuit and was out of sight. As soon as it had gone she ran down the path and went to go on the bridge. Unfortunately for her there were two officers walking down the bridge which Keri hadn't seen. Keri didn't even manage to get onto the bridge. She saw an officer with a torch and as soon as she did she turned round and walked in the opposite direction to get around the fence to get around the other side of the bridge.

"Hey, excuse me!" said one of the officers. 

Keri ignored them, knowing they knew exactly who she was.

"Keri, don't try running," he said as Keri backed away as they walked towards her. 

She tried tricking them. She went to run for one side of the bridge so the officers darted to one side expecting to catch her, then suddenly changed direction and darted to the opposite side of the bridge. She sprinted as fast as she could and then an officer came out of nowhere and jumped at her, both of them falling to the ground and Keri being restrained by two officers on the floor. She was handcuffed as two other officers turned up, the two that had been doing their circuit.

Two of them took Keri into a car and started driving back to the hospital. Keri was rocking, talking to herself, and was unresponsive to the officers besides mumbling that she didn't want to be stopped. Halfway through the journey she managed to get off one of her cuffs. Slipping off her seat belt, she launched herself towards the front of the car as she knew the back doors were locked. The officer with her restrained her and tried to get the cuffs back on. He couldn't do it alone so the officer who was driving got out and helped get them back on again. 

"You keeping an eye on those cuffs?" the officer driving said as they were on their way again.

"Yeah, it's okay," the officer next to her said.

"Well be careful. Her wrists are so small it's hard to keep her in cuffs."

Keri remained cuffed until back at the unit. She stayed on constant observation after the police left and all the doors have been locked again. She's sat in her room on ten minute observation at the moment but still has to be on constant observation when they allow her in the garden to have a cigarette.

She's taken all her medication but she seems really out of it. I'm quite worried. She's barely responsive to anyone talking to her, she's avoiding all eye contact, she's hallucinating again, she's determined to kill herself as the depression is just eating away at her. I don't think she's going to be kept on the ward much longer. I think she's disappeared and had the police bring her back six times in less than a month. Now with the way she's presenting... I don't know. She seems to be slipping into psychosis again.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 125

Written by Fox.

DAY 125 - 10th December, Tuesday

Keri did actually get to bed before 2am last night as her head hurt so much. All she wanted to do was lie down. She still had a migraine in the morning but the staff didn't disturb her besides coming in at about 12.15pm to give her her two doses of medication. She stayed in bed until about 2pm. She's been depressed and had a lot of crying episodes going on, which is why I think Sally decided to "help" today.

All Keri remembers is playing a game on her iPad then finding herself running through some dark woods with the police helicopter hovering above her. When she became fully aware of being herself, she slowed down to try and figure out where she was. It turns out she was up near the observatory, yet again by the suspension bridge. Could Keri have stopped and phoned the unit? Yes. Could she have asked for help? Yes. She didn't want it. So instead she legged it to the bridge and casually walked along it. She almost got over the fence again before a passing car spotted her and the two people inside (I'm assuming a married couple) grabbed her and got her off the fence for the few seconds they waited for the security to be able to get there. That's when Keri started to kick off as she knew how far away security had been. She knew that if that car hadn't stopped then she'd have been able to get over.

She started panicking and two officers arrived and had to handcuff her due to the fact she was so distressed to the point of being very unpredictable, and Sally was nipping out here and there which kept getting her restrained. They kept hold of her until a police van arrived. They thought it would be safer due to Keri's mental state that putting her in the back of a van would be safer for both Keri and the officers, one of which sat in the cage with her.

After finally managing to get Keri back to the unit the police took her into the staff office where they sat Keri down and spoke to the staff. At this point Keri was rocking frantically back and forward, still hyperventilating and was unresponsive to anyone speaking to her. The staff decided it would be better to speak to the police without Keri there and took her through to the manager's office. One staff member chatted to the police while another went to get Keri a cup of tea. Keri overheard the police talking to Andy, a member of staff, and about how things were going to work out. The police were of the opinion Keri needed to be on a locked ward and were talking about the repetitive absconding and dangerous situations that had happened only in the last four months of being in hospital. Keri zoned out a bit after that but I heard Andy say to the police that if this happens again then Keri will be moved to a secure ward, and it could very well be likely that she'd be sent to ECH. Not something anyone wants! 

She was kept on one to one for a while, now she's on ten minute obs. The staff have said that when she settles to bed they'll take it down to half hour obs and then after a couple of hours put it down to hourly obs again so they don't disturb her when she finally gets some much needed sleep. Unfortunately it doesn't look like Keri is going to bed any time soon! Such a shame. I really hope things start settling. Keri's going to text her psychotherapist tomorrow and see whether there's anything she can do to help.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 82

Written by Fox.

DAY 82 - 28th October, Monday

Keri spent most of her time in bed and got up at midday. She didn't do much besides having a quick go at her puzzle and writing complete gibberish down in her notepad. Nothing really happened up until about 6.30pm when Keri asked to go out on unescorted leave. Keri had figured out she'd have a better chance killing herself if she was at the bridge late at night rather than in the middle of the day with a load of people around. What did the staff do? They let her out!

She got to the bridge to find there was a police car up there so she ran up to the observatory and stayed up there for a while smoking and watching the traffic on the bridge. After about half an hour she risked it and saw that the police car had gone. Without a single moment of hesitation (normally she'll be smoking a cigarette on her way to the middle of the bridge) she briskly walked, almost to the point of jogging, to the middle of the bridge. With one glance up and down the bridge to make sure there were no guards or other people she climbed the barrier to get over. Half way over and she was suddenly rugby tackled onto the floor by one of the security guards who was seriously out of breath. They must have caught Keri on the security cameras and done a runner to her when they saw she was climbing the fence.

The other guard called 999 while the one who rugby tackled her kept her held down while she was trying to fight. Her desperation was overwhelming. An off duty police officer turned up while they were waiting for back up and he came over to help.

"Poor girl's desperate to get over that," the guard said, nodding at the fence.

"Was it a serious attempt?" the police guy asked.

"Oh yes, I only just got to her," the guard said.

They tried calming Keri down with comforting words but all she could shout about was the fact she'd been stopped from getting off the bridge twice in less than a week, although this time being more serious. For some reason ten police officers ended up up there! How that happened I have no idea. Six of them disappeared as Keri had her arms handcuffed behind her back. They got her in the car with the police officer sat with her holding onto the cuffs.

When they got back to the hospital Keri kept fighting and saw that there was another police car parked outside. It was a struggle to get her back in but they managed it and took off the handcuffs. The police seemed a bit dodgy about leaving Keri but then something must've come on over their radio as they had to shoot out like a bullet. Keri was fucking mental at this point. Vex went to get her some medication to space her out and when he came back she was terrified.

"Here's some medication, you have to take it," Vex said, sitting next to Keri.

"I can't," Keri said. "I have to check the tickets."

"What tickets?" Vex said.

"The tickets," she said. "There are things here without permission."

"Where are they?"

"Everywhere."

"Well, take this medication and then you can go and check your tickets."

Vex put the medication in her mouth himself and helped her swallow some water. She was in a bad way until those pills started to kick in, and no one had a clue what she was talking about. Now she's like a little space monkey, floating around like a zombie ghost.

Her brother is supposed to visit tomorrow. I wonder whether Keri will even be able to get out of bed with all the medication, especially as she's due more in ten minutes. She had a nice chat with her foster mum though (she knew something had happened as the police turned up at her door asking whether they'd seen Keri). So that's a bonus. Keri always loves chatting to her foster mum, gives her a little glow. Her iPhone is due to arrive on her birthday as well which would be good, but I don't know how well these next three days are going to be. Keri definitely won't be allowed out alone. Even the police were shocked that Keri had managed to disappear from the hospital, whilst sectioned, twice in less than a week. Every time she's been going to that bridge she's been getting closer and closer to killing herself because she's thinking it out well. I just worry that if there's a next time then it'll be her last.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 51

Written by Fox.

DAY 51 - 27th September, Friday

Would it surprise you if I was to say Keri hibernated again today? I bet it doesn't. These sleeping tablets are pathetic! She was woken up by the physiotherapist knocking on her door. Keri rapidly dumped some clothes on and let her in, along with the student physio that was with her. Keri said she didn't want to go down to the gym today so they're starting their physio back up again on Monday, hopefully. We need to get Keri's joints sorted or they're going to get worse in later life (that's if she has a later life after the disaster that happened today!)

Keri had her psychotherapy session today. I was asleep at the time but Keri's psychotherapist was going to take her down to another ward where they were doing a wildlife thing and they'd brought in two owls! Clarissa spent ages trying to wake me up as she knows I love that kind of thing. Keri got around to seeing one owl before I ended coming out and seeing both of them. That annoyed Keri! She even said to her psychotherapist that it was unfair I got to see the barn owl before she did. They were beautiful! Overall the session went well. I only came out to see the owls and then went back in again so Keri could finish her session.

At around 4.30, less than an hour after finishing with her psychotherapist, she asked the staff if she could go to the supermarket and get more cigarettes. Turns out she'd been granted unescorted leave for half an hour! Apparently it would look good on her tribunal paperwork if she managed it well. Keri decided that she'd buy the cigarettes and then go back to the ward. Her mood was stable and a little perky, which is always a danger sign as it means she's a lot more impulsive. Yes, she got her cigarettes, but as she was coming back the bus she'd need to get on to get to Clifton was just sat there. No one was getting on or coming off. Suddenly she just ran to the bus, bought a ticket and settled herself in a seat, not believing her luck. After she'd got on the bus left the stop. Keri thought it was fate calling her...

It took a while for Keri to get to the suspension bridge but when she did she went up there and had a cigarette. There was a group of tourists taking photos of each other on both sides of the bridge, right in the middle of where Keri wanted to jump (the longest drop). So she had to hang around for a few minutes. Unfortunately for her one of the security guards recognised her and clocked on. It took a very short time for two police cars to turn up. The officers had to keep a tight hold on her because she was desperate not to be back at the hospital. Because she was kicking up a storm, they called in for back up (bearing in mind there were already four officers there) so that they could get a van to take her back to the hospital, it was the only place they could legally take her. While they waited, two of them kept hold of her while one of them chatted.

"So what made you want to come up here and want to kill yourself?" he said.

"I've got nothing left to lose," Keri said, tears in her eyes. "I've been sectioned in that place for over 7 fucking weeks. I can't take it any more."

"Well, we've got a missing person report about you that's been called in so there are people that care."

"They don't care. It's their job. If they hadn't phoned you and I'd managed to get over the side of that bridge then they'd be the ones held responsible."

Keri was in a deep depression and the last thing she wanted was to be back in hospital. To her there were only two options, fight tooth and nail so they couldn't take her to the hospital and hopefully get off the bridge or go back to hospital with no issue. With Sally helping Keri with both strength and anger, she fought tooth and nail.

When the van eventually arrived they all agreed they would have to put her in the cage. In the circumstances they were quite sympathetic towards her but still ended up having to put handcuffs on her because of her own safety. Even with handcuffs on it took 5 police officers to restrain her, carry her to the cage, and keep her in there. One of the officers decided he should stay with Keri as she started violently banging her head against the cage door. It seemed like a very long journey. The officer tried to make small talk whenever she looked like she was getting agitated again so he was quite perceptive.

When they finally made it to the ward, one of the officers went to talk to the staff and then he came back out so that he could let Keri and the other officer out of the cage. He opened up the door and said, "There we go, there's a bit of air. Bit muggy in there isn't it?"

Keri tried her hardest to run away but the officers wouldn't let her. Instead they forced her to sit down on the step outside the open doors of the cage. It was Cat who ended up coming out to greet Keri and the officers.

"Oh, Keri," Cat said, crouching down beside her. "Let's get you back into the unit and we can have a chat."

"No, I'm not going back in there!" Keri cried, starting to kick off again. "You won't let me back out!" Cat took one arm, an officer took the other while the other one walked behind them.

"Would you mind holding her other arm while I just unlock these doors?" Cat asked the other officer.

They swapped roles and Keri was still fighting, even with handcuffs on. Someone else opened the door for them anyway so the officers pulled Keri down with Cat through the corridor as she was so stressed out her adrenalin was saying fight fight! And so was Sally. At first Keri thought they were just putting her in her room but they walked straight past it. Then that beep, the beep of a locked door being opened, the little beep of the locked seclusion unit.

The officers managed to get Keri sat down on a chair. There were 3 members of staff there with them; Cat, Andrex and Nick.

"Is this area secure?" asked one of the officers.

"Yes, she can't get out at all," Cat said.

"Right," he said, getting something out of his belt and crouching by Keri. "Let's get these handcuffs off you now, eh?"

Thank god the handcuffs were off. They were causing Keri a great deal of pain because of the amount of struggling she was doing. The police officers saw themselves out while Cat sat next to Keri. Keri was rocking, twitching and hyperventilating. 

"They're going to bring you some medication to calm you down, okay Keri?" Cat said.

Andrex then said, "New admission, we're going to have to move Keri."

"Oh God," Cat said, taking hold of Keri's arm, with Nick taking the other. "Come on, Keri, let's take you to your room."

They managed to get her to her room but Keri was still refusing any medication. She was half Sally half Keri and it wasn't good. Sally was most domineering. The staff let go of Keri's arms when they sat her between them on her bed. After a few minutes of them trying to persuade her to take some sedatives, Keri lost her temper.

"No, no, no," she shouted, tearing off her headphones and her bag. "I don't want your pills. I want to leave!" Then she suddenly shot out of her room and out into the garden to get over the fence.

"Keri, we're not letting you leave the hospital now come on," Cat said as herself and Nick dragged her back to her room, setting off the alarm. This time they sat Keri on the bed but didn't stop restraining her.

"Keri you can't stay like this," Cat said. "You've got no choice. We're going to have to give you your medication whether you want it or not. Either you take it orally or we're going to have to give you an intramuscular injection."

"I don't want your poison running through me!" Keri said, still trying to get out of their grip. The staff that had come running after the alarm had gone off replaced Cat as she went to go and prepare the injection. A doctor also came to talk to her to see what she could do. 

"I've never seen you so anxious, Keri," she said. "What's brought all this on?"

"I don't.. I don't.. I don't know," Keri replied. "I need.. to.. to.. leave."

She was still hyperventilating and the doctor was growing increasingly concerned about how long Keri's heart rate had been so high. She left and was later joined by Cat and Andrex. Caramel and Nick were still holding her arms. By this point Keri was tunnelling further and further away from her conscious. She was fully tensed up, fists clenched, staring unblinking at the floor while the staff held her. Now, if Keri's foster parents had been in this situation then they'd have known straight away that it was a "Look out, Sally!" moment.

After about another few minutes of Keri being completely unresponsive to anyone talking to her (she'd reached a full dissociative state that she has between switches) Sally burst out like an explosion and the staff weren't ready for it. Cat was crouched right in front of Keri and Sally went straight for her and shouted, "Back the fuck off!" Immediately this had turned into a completely different situation and it wasn't only Keri that was in danger but also the staff. The alarm was set off again. As soon as Sally had went for Cat the three members of staff grabbed hold of her while another one pulled out Keri's bed from against the wall so that they could restrain Sally face down on the bed so that Cat could administer the injection. Keri suddenly came back and found herself being held down very tightly by staff and feeling a prick at the top of her arse.

"What the hell are you doing to me?" Keri said.

They kept Keri restrained face down for a good ten minutes until she stopped fighting against them. She felt totally drained. Eventually she was allowed to sit up and was kept on one to one obs for half an hour to make sure things didn't kick off again. No one could tell her what was in the injection but the general consensus seems to be that it was a high dose of Lorazepam. This was at 8.30pm. She's now back on 10 minute obs, unsurprisingly!

Keri was definitely calmer for the rest of this evening. Calmer? More like a walking zombie. That's because at 8.30pm she was injected with Lorazepam, then at 10.30 she was given Quetiapine, Mirtazapine, Diazepam and Promethazine, then at 1am she was given Zopiclone and more Lorazepam! Why the hell is she still conscious? It's gone 3.30am! I do think she's close to collapsing though so I'm not going to talk anymore! I'm going to see if she settles into bed. There's no way she'll be up tomorrow morning! If she is then she's dissociated into someone else!

Love you guys! Tough day but it feels good to vent to people who can understand to some extent. Our DID page and blog is for those in recovery, just being diagnosed, or are living a good life managing their condition. It's also for their loved ones, friends, and for anyone with comorbid conditions likes schizophrenia, depression, borderline personality disorder... But without the support from you guys I don't think I'd have enough motivation to try and help Keri. I thank you all for that!