Sectioned in Hospital - Day 144, 145 & 146

Written by Fox.

DAY 144, 145 & 146 - 29th, 30th & 31st December

I haven't written for a few days but that's a good thing as it means it's been quiet! For a day or so Keri became a little more responsive towards people. Last night she was even in bed before 2am and was up just after 9am! But the problem is she's been worse today than she has over the last couple of days. Part of me knew that her suddenly getting more responsive meant she'd go back downhill again. 

The manager worked a late shift today so he's been very stubborn in trying to get Keri involved with things, like helping him take down some of the Christmas decorations and helping him download one of Ellie Goulding's songs onto his iPhone. He sat with her for a while to keep her downstairs. He said that he wanted her New Year resolution to be that she starts making eye contact with people. She won't look anyone in the eye. The only people she is likely to try looking in the eye every now and then are her foster parents. Her voice is still monotonous. She still hasn't laughed or smiled. 

This evening has been very distressing for me. Keri's been thinking about one thing and one thing only; suicide. She's decided "fuck the suspension bridge" because by the time Sally gets her up there the police are already involved and the security guards working up there all know who she is as they've all had to pull her or Sally down from the fence at least once. The ward manager has put her as medium risk. Medium risk?! Keri might be pleased with that but I'm not! How is she medium risk?! If no passer by stops then her fast pace is going to outdo the security and she's going to be off there and finished. How do I know this? I'm in her head. I'm about the only one that knows the full truth and intention in her actions. So now she's decided 'train'. I can see her logic (although I obviously don't agree with it!). No police unless a train goes by and spots her (which is doubtful to happen) and she'll be hard to find. How can officers cover the whole area of Bristol railway lines? She's thinking of a lot of different areas but hasn't decided which one. All she does know is that she needs to order a taxi because the bus outside the hospital isn't running tomorrow. She doesn't care. She doesn't think she needs money. She's willing to give the driver £50 for a £20 journey as an example!

She totally conked out this evening though. I think it was because she was up so early. She only ended up waking up as she banged her head against her bedside table and fell out of bed and onto the floor from thrashing around from a nightmare. Even so, she was up a lot earlier than normal. I think it'll probably be the same tonight. The problem is, with Sally and Keri's energy combined it makes it almost impossible for any of the rest of us to come out and do anything! I was only able to come and write this post after promising to Sally I wouldn't leave Keri's room or do anything besides writing the post. Although I did do something extra, I text Keri's foster mum a happy new year from me, Keri, Clari and David. Sally doesn't need to know, plus I doubt Keri will text anyone happy new year anyway, she just sees tomorrow as another day in hospital. Nothing special. Well, less than two minutes and it will be midnight. Fireworks anyone? 

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 143

Written by Fox.

DAY 143 - 28th December, Saturday

There's not much to say about today. Keri's kept herself in her room and didn't even  get up until gone 4pm because of the fiasco that happened last night. She's barely said a word, been sat in the same positions for hours and seems to be sinking into her 'other' world (will explain later in the post).

The concern from the police has gone really high. Last night the sergeant was concerned over what could happen to Keri, saying that there only has to be 'one time', and about the amount of response he'd had to try and round up to be able to find Keri. As Keri's classed as high risk, the police have to send out all their resources, including the helicopter and the dogs. It spreads their officers very thin on the ground. This could cause some issue with Keri staying on Alder Unit.

Back to Keri, she has 'another world'. It's not even close to a daydream, she actually feels it as another reality, sometimes even more so than this one. Her parents are still together and she's been in hospital since she was 8 years old (which is a way of explaining away her 8 year amnesia). She doesn't have a little brother, and her little sister never died, so there's just her and her sister. According to them she was never in care and she was institutionalised because she's schizophrenic (this is all in her world, it's not fact; although she did have a baby sister who died when she was very young). Keri prefers that world to this one so when she starts getting into a SERIOUS form of depression she slips into an almost catatonic state. Her body is still there but her head is somewhere else. She becomes unresponsive and barely moves a muscle. She presents outwardly in the same way she would if none of us came out and her body was just a shell with no personality filling it, except the difference is, Keri's personality still does fill it, but she's totally involved in a different world. It's very complicated!

Keri's been allowed to go out and smoke alone today but this evening they've started putting her on one to one observation whenever she goes out to smoke. They thought it would be a good idea "just in case" as they've realised that Keri's most likely to dissociate at night time. They've even started checking her straight after handover at 9.30pm instead of waiting for hourly observation and checking her at 10pm to make sure she's still in her room and hasn't disappeared.

Hopefully she'll get an early night tonight. She wants to go to the supermarket tomorrow but she can't do that if she's not up until 4pm! She's well rested from her bad dissociative episode. But if she can't go then I'll go for her. It's the least I can do and at least I'll feel like I've managed to help her somehow!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 142

Written by Fox.

DAY 142 - 27th December, Friday

I thought today was going to be a calm day but it didn't turn out that way. Keri's been sinking into her depression further and further. She hasn't smiled. She's barely spoken; and when she does speak her voice is flat. She hasn't laughed. She's barely socialised. She's been feeling suicidal. I think that's what triggered Sally to come out this evening.

About twenty minutes before handover Sally decided to jump the fence again. Keri had gone out to have a cigarette and dissociated while out there. What Sally didn't realise was that one of the staff saw her dart over the fence and saw the little bobbles on Keri's hat (a woolly teddy hat one of her foster brothers gave her for Christmas). Obviously they tried to phone Keri's mobile but Sally had no intention of answering. 

With more speed than she's ever had before, Sally made it to the observatory and let Keri out. Keri didn't see any sign of anyone and snuck down the path towards the bridge. She saw a police car circling so hid in the bushes until it went round on it's next circuit and was out of sight. As soon as it had gone she ran down the path and went to go on the bridge. Unfortunately for her there were two officers walking down the bridge which Keri hadn't seen. Keri didn't even manage to get onto the bridge. She saw an officer with a torch and as soon as she did she turned round and walked in the opposite direction to get around the fence to get around the other side of the bridge.

"Hey, excuse me!" said one of the officers. 

Keri ignored them, knowing they knew exactly who she was.

"Keri, don't try running," he said as Keri backed away as they walked towards her. 

She tried tricking them. She went to run for one side of the bridge so the officers darted to one side expecting to catch her, then suddenly changed direction and darted to the opposite side of the bridge. She sprinted as fast as she could and then an officer came out of nowhere and jumped at her, both of them falling to the ground and Keri being restrained by two officers on the floor. She was handcuffed as two other officers turned up, the two that had been doing their circuit.

Two of them took Keri into a car and started driving back to the hospital. Keri was rocking, talking to herself, and was unresponsive to the officers besides mumbling that she didn't want to be stopped. Halfway through the journey she managed to get off one of her cuffs. Slipping off her seat belt, she launched herself towards the front of the car as she knew the back doors were locked. The officer with her restrained her and tried to get the cuffs back on. He couldn't do it alone so the officer who was driving got out and helped get them back on again. 

"You keeping an eye on those cuffs?" the officer driving said as they were on their way again.

"Yeah, it's okay," the officer next to her said.

"Well be careful. Her wrists are so small it's hard to keep her in cuffs."

Keri remained cuffed until back at the unit. She stayed on constant observation after the police left and all the doors have been locked again. She's sat in her room on ten minute observation at the moment but still has to be on constant observation when they allow her in the garden to have a cigarette.

She's taken all her medication but she seems really out of it. I'm quite worried. She's barely responsive to anyone talking to her, she's avoiding all eye contact, she's hallucinating again, she's determined to kill herself as the depression is just eating away at her. I don't think she's going to be kept on the ward much longer. I think she's disappeared and had the police bring her back six times in less than a month. Now with the way she's presenting... I don't know. She seems to be slipping into psychosis again.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 139, 140 & 141 (20 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 139, 140 & 141 (20 weeks) - 24th, 25th & 26th December, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday

Christmas Eve thankfully was actually a day of rest. There's not much I can say about it which was the reason I didn't bother writing a blog post. Keri slept reasonably well considering her nightmares. She wasn't overly sociable but she didn't ignore people. She kept herself to herself and only really spoke to the staff when she had to go and get her medication. The duty psychiatrist even granted Keri 6 hours of leave to go home for Christmas Day! Keri thought she'd be happy and forced herself to try to be. She didn't know why but she was feeling really depressed. Later in the evening, the crying episodes began again. In the end Keri had to put everything she'd wrapped for people in the bathroom as she didn't want to look at it. For some reason her memory has been playing tricks on her. She was looking at the presents and had no idea what she'd bought anyone, even though a few weeks previously she'd been in deep thought about what to get people. Her mind was just blank.

Christmas Day! Keri got her presents ready expecting her foster parents to pick her up between 1 - 1.30pm. Everything was sorted and I remembered to slip her iPad into her handbag as I wanted to come out and have Christmas dinner as Keri had no intention of eating. I even text in advance so they knew!

Her foster dad came to pick her up and Keri was putting on a really good face. She felt so depressed and was even on the verge of tears at many points during the day, which is when she was secretly glad she was out smoking alone. She'd seen everyone open their presents and gone along with stories when they'd been opened. She thought that when people opened the presents she'd bought, it would trigger her memory into thinking, "Oh yeah, I remember now!" That moment never happened. She was really chuffed with her presents she received. She considered home leave to be her biggest present and was really grateful for all the other presents she received from her family. I really enjoyed the Christmas dinner! Perfection as always from Keri's foster mum! There were a few genuine laughs out of Keri's mouth but most of the day Keri perfected the talent of a good "I'm stable" face. Even when she gave the last hugs to her foster mum after being dropped back to the unit, she wanted that hug to last forever. She had been on leave for 8 hours, the manager had said it was fine to stay longer than 6 hours when her foster dad picked her up.

During that night Keri couldn't stop crying. There was nothing that could stop it. By about 1am she was sat in the office chatting to Ade about how depressed she was feeling and about the fact she was feeling really guilty about feeling depressed because she knew how hard her foster parents, especially her mum, had worked to make it a nice family Christmas. Ade tried to make her feel better.

"I had everything I wanted!" Keri cried, while she sat on a chair in the office. "I got more leave than I was supposed to, I got to go home, I got to spend time with my family, I even got really thoughtful presents. So why did I feel so depressed? Why did I sneak out and smoke on my own just because I was on the verge of tears? I don't understand it! I want to be happy and that should've been one of the happiest days I could ever have!"

"Keri, look," Ade said. "You can't feel guilty about how you're feeling. I don't want this to sound patronising so I'll apologise in advance, but feeling depressed, even when you feel you should be happy about something isn't your fault. Depression is an illness, a chemical imbalance in the brain. Would you feel guilty if you'd broken your leg and gone home for Christmas?"

He had a point. Keri shook her head.

"Depression has a habit of striking when someone least expects it," Ade continued. "You might try and force yourself to be happy but it'll keep trying to beat you down. You'll have bad thoughts or memories or images in your head but it's all down to the depression and I'm sure your foster parents would understand that it had nothing to do with them."

By the time it reached nearly 3.30am, Viv gave her some Lorazepam. She didn't go to sleep until nearly 6am. Her head was just going round and round too much and even though Ade had been reassuring, she still couldn't stop herself feeling guilty about how she was feeling. 

Because of the lateness of her going to sleep, she didn't get up until gone 3am and that's only because Matt wouldn't leave her alone. He just talked and talked and talked until Keri finally gave in. She was sinking deeper and deeper into her depression and didn't want to get up, but anything to get him to shut up! This evening the crying episodes have been even more frequent, she's still feeling guilty, her suicidal feelings are getting worse and the night staff have noticed her lack of eye contact, lack of enthusiasm, and complete flatness in her voice. It's almost to the point of monotonous. No feeling in it at all, even when the words she's saying are conveying some form of emotion.

I'll finish with this.

Keri got given a copy of her risk assessment today, plus her care plan which hasn't changed. She found her risk assessment an interesting read. It's ten pages long! When she questioned the staff about some of the things on it, they said they had to put events that had happened in the past on there as well, like things that involve Keri's foster parents restraining Sally the time she went for the kitchen knives, even though that was a year ago! But again, that phrase came up, "The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour". No it's not! But they have to put it to cover their backs anyway!

(I'll just write the categories of each one, I won't go into detail like they've done to summarise each topic as I do like to give Keri some privacy!)

Harm to Self: Risk Status - HIGH

Evidence of Risk - Evidence found

Act with suicidal intent - Yes

Self-injury or harm - Yes

Self-neglect - Yes

Suicidal ideation - Yes

Harm from Others: Risk Status - MEDIUM

Evidence of Risk - Not assessed at this time

Risk caused by medication/services/treatment - No

Risk of emotional/psychological abuse including bullying - Yes

Risk of financial abuse - No

Risk of neglect - Yes

Risk of physical harm - Yes

Risk of unlawful restrictions (e.g. locks on doors, physical restraints etc) - Yes

Risk of sexual exploitation - Yes

Harm to Others: Risk Status - MEDIUM HIGH

Evidence of Risk - Evidence found

Arson - No

Exploitation of others (e.g. financial, emotional) - No

Hostage taking - No

MAPPA (what does this mean?!) - No

Probation service involvement - No

Risk to children - No (so what's the issue with her younger foster brother?!)

Risk to vulnerable adults - No

Schedule 1 - No

Sexual Assault - No

Sex Offenders Act 2003 - No

Stalking - No

Violence/aggression/abuse to family - Yes

Violence/aggression/abuse to general public - No

Violence/aggression/abuse to other clients - Yes

Violence/aggression/abuse to staff - Yes

Weapons - Yes

Accidents: Risk Status - MEDIUM LOW

Evidence of Risk - Evidence found

Accidental harm outside the home (e.g. wandering) - Yes

Driving/Road safety - No

Falls - No

Fires - No

Unsafe use of medication - Yes

Other Risk Behaviours: Risk Status - MEDIUM HIGH

Evidence of Risk - Evidence found

Absconding/Escape - Yes

Correspondence - Yes

Damage to property - Yes

Incidents involving the police - Yes

Phone Calls - No

Restricted Client - Yes

Theft - No

Visitors - Yes

Main Types of Risk 

Aggression; Assault Threats - Perpetrator; Self Harm Risk; Violence; Suicide Risk

They haven't even officially assessed her yet so how they can do all this from a bit of paperwork is unbelievable. I think Keri will definitely be having words about her care plan. It's absolute rubbish. Who writes this stuff?!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 138

Written by Fox.

DAY 138 - 23rd December, Monday

Oh my Jesus Christ, today has not been good! It started out okay as Keri's brother came to visit her. She'd refused to get out of bed so the staff brought him upstairs and he managed to get her up, especially with the threat of chucking water on her! She had a cup by her bedside from when the staff had come in earlier to give her her medication. He brought us some presents! I haven't opened my card or anything yet as I haven't had the chance! Keri also gave him his present which she demanded he open while he was there. It was a set of headphones which he seemed to really like, and I'm not talking little things. They were £80! So she's glad he likes them.

With a headache all day she decided to risk it to go out on leave to go on a binge spree. She wasn't feeling tense and only had the nagging headache so decided to push herself. She managed to get back to the ward safely, and with her bag of food so all went well there. However during the course of the day she started getting very tense. Emma, her key nurse, gave her some Lorazepam to see if it would take the edge off. It didn't.

By the time it got to handover, Sally had decided she wanted to sabotage Keri's leave, the leave she's been working so hard to get so she can spend the day with her foster family for Christmas. During handover, Sally decided to yet again jump the fence. No one realised she was missing until about ten which gave Sally a good half an hour head start. She got to the observatory very quickly and instead of letting Keri out Sally decided to have a go at the bridge herself. When security pulled her down, Keri came out for a few minutes (although because Sally was still domineering she doesn't remember coming out). She pleaded with the guards to let her go over the fence and the police arrived very quickly as they already knew she was in the area. The police helicopter had followed Sally for about twenty minutes as she was making her way to the bridge.

As soon as the police arrived, they saw the beginning of Keri and how upset she was. But then after the police managed to get one cuff on her wrist she went into a dissociative state where she was unresponsive to anyone, completely rigid, and staring down at the water from the fence. The police and guards tried to get a response but she was totally gone. At that point the body was a shell and no personality filled it. Then suddenly, realising she was being cuffed, Sally came out again. Like an explosion, she let loose at the officers until they managed to get her hands cuffed behind her back. Baring in mind the police van was only parked six feet away in the middle of the bridge, it took several police officers to be able to carry her to the van and get her inside the cage. She managed to kick one of them in the chest, hit one in the face and elbow one in the ribs; even while handcuffed. I have to admit that Sally has skill when it comes to being violent in almost impossible situations.

Sally was left alone in the cage with an officer watching her from the back seat, and two colleagues following behind due to how violent Sally was being. This also meant they put they're lights and sirens on. Very slyly Sally managed to slowly ease her hand out of one of the cuffs. She knew there was a razor blade concealed within the lining of her coat (which meant if she was searched no one would find it). As soon as she got the cuffs off one hand she went straight for her pocket.

"Stop the van!" shouted the officer watching her. "She's uncuffed herself!" 

With a quick siren and a sudden stop, the officers went to the back of the van and opened the doors. With two free hands she managed to assault another two police officers and find herself facedown in the cage being handcuffed again. Did this stop her? She kept trying to get the cuffs off. It's left marks over Keri's hands, some from where the cuffs were, others from scraping her hand out of them.

On arrival back at the unit, Sally was still being extremely verbally and physically aggressive. Four officers stayed with Sally while a nurse tried to get her to take some medication. Sally was still handcuffed and had been forced to sit down. The nurse was trying to get the pills into Sally's mouth but she was having none of it.

"Fuck off you dirty bitch," screamed Sally. "I ain't takin' none of that fuckin' poison!"

In the end, two other nurses had to be called from other units as it took eight people to be able to sort Sally out. As she was refusing any form of pill, phone calls were being made to Lime Unit. They were checking to see if their seclusion room was free so that Sally could spend the night there and have an intramuscular injection as she was refusing any form of medication and had also assaulted several police officers due to her violent behaviour, not something that Alder Unit can deal with. After half an hour of sitting there trying to get out of the handcuffs she finally gave in. There was no way she was going to let Keri back out while in the seclusion unit. In the end, the nurse got three pills and one by one put them in Sally's mouth, had a sip of water, then repeated a couple of times; Lorazepam, Quetiapine, Mirtazapine. Sally felt totally patronised as if she was being spoon fed like a baby. When it looked like the situation was less volatile, they took the handcuffs off of Sally and eventually the police officers left, with the reassurance that every door was locked and secured (to the annoyance of one of the other patients who hadn't gone to bed yet). 

After demanding to have a cigarette the two staff went outside with her to make sure she didn't jump the fence again. The other two staff went back to their wards, reassuring the staff on Alder that they'd rush back ASAP if needed and would try and keep the seclusion room free. That thankfully wasn't necessary. When Sally went back inside, she said, "I'm going upstairs. I'm letting Keri back out. She won't remember anything that happened so good luck explaining that to her you pricks." And with that, she was off to Keri's room. Obviously there was a lot more verbal abuse involved between her, the staff and the officers but I can't write down all of it, I'd be writing a novel otherwise.

When Keri came out, she saw the pile of wet clothes, felt the bruises on her wrists, saw the scraped skin where Sally had been getting out of the handcuffs and noticed a new note on her wardrobe saying, "Keri. Your leave is fucked. Enjoy Xmas." On seeing all this Keri burst into tears for a good fifteen minutes and then text her foster mother saying that Christmas was ruined, which turned into a short phone call about what had happened, except Keri couldn't tell her much as she'd been too scared to go and talk to the staff. She had no idea who was working this evening because Sally disappeared during handover. She plucked up the courage after her phone call and spent a good hour or so chatting with the staff in their office about what had happened. She got quite upset when she was told they were going to have to put Sally in seclusion because she'd assaulted several police officers. Keri felt so ashamed. They explained that Sally had been brought back from the bridge again (the second time in just three days). This lead on to a conversation about Keri's DID as she wanted someone to understand. The staff were quick to realise how terrifying it must be, having complete amnesia and then finding yourself in confusing or dangerous situations. She was then reminded about the fact she was never going to be able to get a driver's licence until Sally's anger has been sorted out.

So now Keri's sat in her room and it's 2.30am. Is that it? I'm nocturnal and even I'm feeling tired! Probably a combination of Sally's trek and the amount of medication in Keri's body. They've given her more Diazepam half an hour ago as well so she'll sleep well. If she's had a major dissociative episode then she can sleep for England the day afterwards as it exhausts her so much. The problem is she wants to be up so she can beg for her leave. She had a discussion about it with the night staff and they're writing everything down. Even if it means Liz has to take care of Keri's medication, including extra Lorazepam (which will very likely be needed) to make sure things stay stable. I'll be being picked up by Liz anyway, the rest is down to Keri. I'm reassured that she'll have all her medication to hand. I doubt Sally will come out. There's going to be ten people, including Keri. Over 50 if you include all of us too! Let's hope Christmas Eve brings some much needed rest, for all of us!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 137

Written by Fox.

DAY 137 - 22nd December, Sunday

Keri's had quite a reasonably settled day today. She woke up in a terrible mood but decided to go out on leave anyway to get some last minute Christmas goodies. To her surprise, when she got back her foster parents were sat in the office! It was really nice of them to come down to see her and Keri perked up a little bit. There were a lot of fake smiles but there were at least a few that were genuine. That's better than nothing. And she didn't burst into tears while she was with them either, which is also a bonus. Hopefully Simon can sort something out about Keri's Christmas leave. Keri may hate Christmas but she doesn't want to be spending it in hospital. If she's not allowed leave then they really think that'll stop her getting a taxi to her foster parents anyway? 

She's finished all her wrapping now. Until tomorrow when some last minute presents should be arriving. It took her hours. In the end I came out and did some of it as I was getting frustrated myself watching her do it so OCD-ed!

There's a sense of badness with us at the moment. Something bad is going to happen tomorrow, but I don't know what. All I do know is that it's tomorrow. Keri feels something bad but can't put her finger on anything. We were quite upset earlier this evening when Keri went to visit Lime Unit to drop off a present for a patient as she was talking to a nurse about how she was lucky to still be in Alder and not been moved back. The nurse actually turned around and said that Alder had been in contact asking for Keri to be moved back as they couldn't manage and the only reason she hasn't been moved is because there's no beds available! What?! Why did we have to find out that way? Even so, hopefully Keri can get things sorted with Simon, the ward manager, tomorrow. That's if things don't start kicking off early in the day :/

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 134, 135 & 136

Written by Fox.

DAY 134, 135 & 136 - 19th, 20th & 21st December, Thursday, Friday & Saturday

Keri didn't find her psychotherapy session very helpful on Friday. She'd been documenting everything hour by hour since Thursday evening as soon as she started getting a headache and knew Sally would eventually come out. A lot of people have suggested writing it all down when things happened to see if there was a pattern. Even though she spent 45 minutes talking to Fiona, she can't remember half the stuff they even talked about and has no idea on how to help with Sally. In fact, no one does.

Yesterday night Sally decided she was going to disappear again. She let Keri out by the time she got to the observatory. Maybe the buses were in her favour or she just ran most of the way there, but either way Sally got Keri up there pretty quickly. Keri looked over the railings at the bridge. There was no one walking on it and even the traffic was pretty quiet, only the occasional car was crossing. Even so, it would've been hard to see Keri in the dark and the rain while driving past anyway. So Keri legged it to the bottom of the observatory then casually walked along it again (she found that if she runs then it gets the security guards on edge straight away). Once in the middle, she looked up and down. No cars. No security. No pedestrians. She started climbing the fence, managing to get halfway over the first fence before being pulled down by one of the managers from the bridge who had happened to be passing in his car as Keri was climbing. He managed to stop and grab her just as the security reached her and was congratulated on how he was able to spot her even in the terrible weather. She was extremely non-compliant and kept kicking off. The guard holding onto her was called Shaun. He'd pulled her down the last time when Sally had tried getting over.

As Keri was kicking off so much, Shaun had to hold one arm around her neck and the other around her waist so he could half carry her to the toll booth house while the other security officer phoned the police to let them know they'd found Keri. Two police officers showed up but after seeing how distressed Keri was they called up for a van, so they had to wait for that to show up. Shaun was actually really good with her. He loosened his grip every now and again but couldn't let her go as Keri kept going for the doors to get back on the bridge. She never could struggle for long as she was in a partial choke hold which then meant she had no choice but to calm down. Her hyperventilating just got worse when two more officers arrived with their van. She panics with police officers as she's had bad experiences in the past, it's nothing personal to them.

"The unit often phone us up and we've already told them that this isn't a cry for help," Shaun was saying to the officers. "She's real serious about getting over the barrier and there's been some times where it's been way too close for comfort. That ward has no idea what they're doing."

One of the officers who'd been stood waiting kneeled down next to Keri and tried getting Keri to look her in the eye.

"Keri, because you're so distressed we want to keep you safe while we take you back to the hospital," she said. "I'm going to have to put some handcuffs on you. I won't do it now, I'm just warning you that that's what I'm going to have to do. Is that okay?"

"No!" Keri screamed. The same woman searched her while Shaun kept hold of her. I don't quite agree with how she was being restrained as one arm was around her neck. She was already hyperventilating. With the amount she was kicking off she was kept constantly restrained. When it was time to get her in the van the female officer took out her handcuffs and was restrained by her and Shaun while they put one cuff on.

"Keri, relax your arm," she said, "come on, I'm not going to hurt you."

Partly relaxing her arm, the officer managed to get Keri's other arm behind her back to put the cuffs on properly. Shaun made sure he was the one to help take Keri out to the van. The traffic had been held up for a good fifteen minutes as the van was blocking the way.

"I can't go back! You've got to let me go! Please!" Keri shouted, by this point she was crying.

With a lot of effort they managed to get her in the cage and get the door shut. Keri went absolutely mental in the thirty seconds she was left on her own. Kicking out at the door and bashing her head really hard against the side of the vehicle. In the end two officers had to get in the cage and keep hold of her. One of them grabbed a soft foam thing and put it between Keri's head and the side of the vehicle. The other kept hold of Keri's arm to keep some form of control when Keri was lashing out.

"The badger was in the sink," Keri said. "The fucking thing stole my spoons! Shut up, shut up!" What?  Yeah, that's what I thought. Make any sense to you? If it does then please explain!

The female officer was following behind in her car. It was quite claustrophobic with three people in the cage, although one of them was only half in there.

The four officers managed to get her back inside the hospital. One of them went into the office to talk to staff while the other three were directed into a small lounge to keep Keri in. When she got back from talking to staff she came in and sat down on one of the sofas.

"Do you want to take the cuffs off her yet?" one of the guys asked her.

"No," she said. "Not yet."

The staff had gone off to get Keri some medication which she took after finally getting the handcuffs off. She wanted a cigarette but the police were very wary. Staff arrived with more pills.

"Here's some more medication," they said. "Part number two."

They went to get Keri's cigarettes but the police weren't happy with letting Keri outside without two of them going out there with her and a member of staff. Once she'd finished she was taken into the staff office to sit with the two staff that were on. The two remaining officers said their goodbyes and left. You could tell they were getting annoyed with the staff. They found it ridiculous that there were only two members of staff for ten patients, especially when someone like Keri is taking up both members of staff.

It was definitely a restless night. Keri didn't go to sleep until gone 3am and woke up terrified thinking her dad was in her room at 7am. She'd also had flashes of road signs which she quickly scribbled in the notebook she keeps next to her bed if she has a nightmare or dreams something confusing or important. Just to make sure she doesn't forget about it. She wrote down all the road signs. Keri doesn't know what the road signs mean but I do. It's the route Sally uses to get to the suspension bridge, somehow while Keri was sleeping that leaked into her dreams. After an hour, she then went back to bed until 3pm. She didn't sleep for that much. By the time she got out of bed, she knew she hadn't been asleep all that time because Sally had graffitied her wardrobe with a message saying "Keri litsen 38" (we're all assuming she means 'listen' as Sally isn't a great speller). Plus an arrow pointing to the left (which could've meant her DVDs, her laptop, her music... Keri ended up watching the 38th DVD on her shelf (Side Effects) and as she was sorting her paperwork she noticed the plug on her docking station was switched on. When she looked at the station, she saw her iPod plugged into it. Keri didn't do that. Sally did it and put it on the list of Eminem songs Keri has. That was what Sally meant. Listening to the 38th Eminem song which was called Talking to Myself. Keri listened to it but doesn't quite understand what she means by it. Sally has never tried explaining her feelings before and if you listen to the lyrics in that song you can tell how hurt and angry she is.

Knowing how annoyed Sally is, Keri decided to sit in the communal lounge for a while and watched Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. She got a bit fed up with another patient. She saw Keri get brought in last night and was having a go at Keri about how she'd seen seven police officers in the unit at one point and that Keri had her whole life ahead of her... What she didn't realise was that whenever anyone says this to Keri she sits there and becomes even more determined to kill herself just to prove that the world has screwed her over and she's not prepared to live in it anymore. She's absolutely dreading Christmas! Even though she's hopefully going to be spending Christmas with her foster parents, the closer the day comes the more miserable she's getting. Looks like I might have to come out for part of Christmas or Sally might end up ruining it for everyone. And you know what? Keri's past caring if Sally comes out again between now and Christmas. How do I get her hope and motivation back? It's breaking my heart seeing her go so downhill. She even looks haunted and ill. You can tell she's not herself. She's forcing herself to smile if she has to but inside she's thinking "I want this all to end!" I'm sorry there's nothing I can do, Keri. I wish there was :(

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 133 (19 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 133 (19 weeks) - 18th December, Wednesday

Keri's still recovering from her stomach bug but is starting to finally feel better. It might be due to the fact she's had nothing but water all day. She tried eating the evening meal the staff prepared but couldn't manage it.

Simon and Keri met up today to have a quick conversation over Keri's pros and cons about staying on Alder Unit. Apparently the police have been frequently in contact with him. Keri's got the write a pen thumbnail to give them (half a page describing where Keri would go missing to, triggers, how she presents, what to do is she's Sally etc). They've already got an updated photo of her as Simon took one on his iPhone a week or so ago. They're going to meet up again tomorrow.

Keri's mum and her partner John are visiting tomorrow afternoon, and bringing the dog with them. Hopefully she gets some leave to take him out. 

Besides all that it's been fairly quiet thankfully. Those are the days we want!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 131 & 132

Written by Fox.

DAY 131 & 132 - 16th & 17th December, Monday & Tuesday

Oh joy, Keri's got the diarrhoea and vomiting bug. Unfortunately this isn't good as she's found out she can keep most of the symptoms away by just point blank starving herself. This is never a good thing. Keri rarely becomes physically ill but when she does she stops eating and it triggers off her eating disorder again and loses a lot of weight in a short space of time. The staff haven't bugged her about eating today as they know she's quite ill. She looks like a walking corpse and has barely enough energy to lift her feet up off the floor when she's walking.

She had a quick chat with Simon, the ward manager, after she'd gotten out of bed and he asked her to do a pros and cons list about staying in Alder Unit and that he'd sit and have a proper chat with her tomorrow. Keri was actually up before 10am this morning because she physically had to get out of bed and run to the bathroom to be sick. That's one way of getting her up in the morning!

The occupational therapist also came to see her and was talking about options about what Keri could do. She's coming back in the new year to talk a bit more about it.

Yesterday, Fiona turned up for Keri's psychotherapy appointment. She was trying to brainstorm ways in which she could get Sally to start engaging in therapy. It's clear that there's a lot of rage there that needs to be dealt with and it's not going to go away on it's own. The main problem highlighted would be that even if Sally did come out during an appointment then it would be an issue of getting her back in again instead of walking out the door. I don't know. Fiona wants to plan a meeting between a member from BIT and Keri's foster mum during one of Alder's handover sessions to talk about Keri's DID, understanding it and trying to come up with ideas on how to handle things.

Along with Keri's stomach bug, she started getting another niggling headache at about 8pm so ended up having some Lorazepam to see if it'll ease it off. Another Sally fiasco and I'm really not sure how much the unit can keep Keri here. They can't keep Keri on a locked ward forever. Or I suppose they can if they believe she can't get the treatment on an open ward. Knowing Sally she'll try sabotaging everything. This might be tricky.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 129 & 130

Written by Fox.

DAY 129 & 130 - 14th & 15th December, Saturday & Sunday

Could this get any worse? Luckily Keri hasn't been carted off to a secure ward yet but the police are getting very concerned.

Keri woke up yesterday with another bad headache. She spent most of the time in her room because another patient kept turning up all the TVs in each lounge on full volume which didn't help Keri's headache. It turned into a game between him turning everything on, the staff turning it all down, then the cycle started again.

Keri tried to cope and was hoping to get to sleep. She didn't expect anything to happen as it was gone 9pm and the staff were having handover. Unfortunately for her Sally had other ideas. Her memories have been flooding me today. 

Sally decided to jump the fence out in the back garden and made her way to the suspension bridge. Normally she goes up by the observatory, let's Keri out and Keri makes a run for the bridge. I don't know why, but it took Sally a lot longer being able to get up there and just as she was walking the dark path to the observatory a policeman with a flashlight was wandering around. Sally didn't want to let Keri out so she tried hiding. When that didn't work she just walked and acted casual.

"Keri?" he said, approaching Sally.

"No," she said, immediately trying to walk past him.

"Oh no you don't," he said, grabbing Sally's arm. "You're coming with me."

Sally was partially compliant when the officer realised Keri was still in a dissociative state. Plus they were walking in the direction of the bridge so she was fine going that way. By the time they got to the bottom of the path to get to the bridge Sally kicked off big time which meant the officer called in for back up. It was the usual, swearing, verbal and physical aggression. The officer had to restrain her against a fence before twisting her arms behind her back to be able to get her to the side of the car. Sally kept kicking and kicking at him while he held her against the car. Luckily his colleague arrived and managed to help so that they could handcuff Sally's hands behind her back.

Instead of getting a van they got her in a car with another officer holding onto her. The officer driving obviously knew Keri as he was saying "We'll take her back to the ward and they'll do nothing as usual. Keri's got a complicated illness. She's normally a very nice girl unless she's like she is now and this Sally persona comes out." Sally started kicking off again after a few minutes and the officer with her had to keep hold of her hands as the other officer had already said she could slip out of the handcuffs.

"I ain't lettin' you take her back to that fucking hospital!" Sally screeched at the officer, kicking out at the back of the chair.

"Sally we've got no choice here," the officer said. "You need to calm down. You aren't going to get out of the handcuffs while I'm holding into you."

Because of the kicking off, they put on the blue lights and the siren to make the journey a lot quicker. It's the first time Sally has stayed out. Usually by this point, since being at Alder Unit, Sally's let Keri back out. Not this time.

When they finally got back, Sally was still struggling and the officers took her inside. It was about midnight. They put her in one of the small lounges next to the staff office and the police took off the handcuffs. Justin sat with her on one to one observation. She repeatedly tried to get out and was being verbally and physically aggressive. She completely trashed Keri's room trying to find something sharp to use against the staff. While she was doing this, Justin and Marley were watching from the doorway. Sally found two razor blades which she slipped into her pocket. Eventually she also found some scissors. She charged out of the room and down the stairs, intending to threaten the staff into opening a door to get out. Justin noticed the scissors in her hand and as they got to the bottom of the stairs they ended up having to restrain her to get the scissors off of her.

Justin put her back in the small lounge. It had now turned into a different situation. He said that he now had to think about the safety of her and also himself and Marley. They were so worried to the point that even when Sally went for a cigarette both members of staff had to stay out there to make sure she didn't try escaping. After a while of Justin and Sally being in the lounge, Sally was repeatedly kicking off.

"That's it," Sally said. "Time's up. Your neck or Keri's wrist?"

Sally started rolling up Keri's left sleeve and then put her hand in her pocket to get one of the razor blades.

"Give me an answer!" she shouted.

"I'm afraid I can't give you an answer," Justin said. 

And with that, Sally took out her razor blade and put it across Keri's wrist. 

"Now, open the fucking door," Sally shouted.

"Marley!" Justin shouted as he shot across to Sally to try and get the razor from Sally's hand. Marley restrained her with her other arm while Sally fought to keep hold of the razor. In the end she knew she wouldn't win.

"Just drop it on the floor for me will you?" Justin said. All three of them were now on the sofa with Sally still being restrained. Eventually she dropped it, knowing she had another. They let Sally go but Justin stayed sitting by the door to make sure Sally didn't leave the room. Sally was repeatedly lashing out unexpectedly, breaking things by throwing things across the room, punching the bookshelf until it nearly fell over, refusing to sit down and 'relax'.

"Bathroom," she said after another half an hour.

"You need to use the bathroom?" Justin said. "Right, Marley!"

A few seconds passed before Marley turned up in the doorway.

"Right, she wants to use the bathroom," Justin said. "With the dangerousness of the situation at the moment I'm quite fearful over everyone's safety so I'm thinking you go into the bathroom with her and I'll stand just outside."

"Fuck that! It's fucking pointless then. I'll stay here!" Sally said, losing her temper again and going into a full on rage. Marley left and Keri lost it with Justin again. She took another razor from Keri's coat pocket. Justin saw her take something out of her pocket but didn't see what it was, but he knew she had something dangerous.

"Marley! We're going to need you again!" Justin shouted.

Sally backed away from Justin as he approached her. 

"Come on, give me what's in your hand," he said.

"Back the fuck off!" Sally shouted.

In the end she was restrained on the sofa again. By the time Justin managed to get Sally to drop the razor the damage was done. She'd already cut open one of Keri's fingers. No one realised this until Sally was kicking off with them and blood drops were starting to drip all over the floor. 

After another twenty minutes Sally turned around to Justin and said, "Let me have a fucking cigarette and I will let Keri back out," Sally said. By this point it was well past 2am and Sally had been repeatedly restrained, had repeatedly tried to escape and had put the nursing staff and Keri in danger. She decided she'd try again when they weren't expecting it. True to her word, she let Keri back out who just burst into tears in front of Justin as she was still on one to one. She was in a lot of pain from where Sally had cut her fingers, the bruising around her wrists from the handcuffs, the aching in her shoulders from having to be restrained so much, especially by the police. Justin gave Keri a lot of medication (of which Sally had obviously point blank refused). He stayed with Keri while she had a cigarette just to make sure it was definitely Keri who was back and explain to Keri what had happened over the last five hours; and when that had been sorted, Keri got ready for bed, took her sleeping medication and sat in her room (after her and Justin had tidied it when Keri walked in and found her possessions all over the place!). Eventually she got to sleep but not until nearly 5am.

Today she didn't even wake up until 4pm, and she felt like she'd been hit by a truck. It's been a quiet day and she's been resting a lot. In my opinion I think Sally would benefit from seeing our psychotherapist. She was shouting at Justin last night about how Keri could never know how much worse the abuse really was compared to the memories Keri had. When she'd said this, Justin then realised why Sally was such a ball of rage and anger. He was very patient with her, considering the circumstances, even when she was demanding that he find out Keri's dad's address. She wants to break his neck! No wonder Keri's tired. Today has been about rest and recuperation. She hasn't left the ward as by the time she got up it was starting to get dark and she's only allowed leave during daylight hours. Plus, tesco shut at 4pm on a Sunday anyway!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 128

Written by Fox.

DAY 128 - 13th December, Friday

Keri finally met Dr. Harland today. On first impressions she seems nice but we've learned that first impressions are normally wrong. Me and Keri are both in agreement that in time we will find out she's completely clueless and has no idea on how to treat Keri while she's on the ward. Keri brought up the subject about leave as she was desperate to go to her foster parents' house for a few hours, even if it was just lying on the sofa watching TV. Dr. Harland rightly pointed out that banning her leave had been pointless as Sally had gone and left the ward on Tuesday anyway. So Keri now has her two half an hours a day to go to tesco, into Brislington or around Bristol (not very far in half an hour!) and in the hospital grounds. She's also able to take herself to occupational activities such as the yoga group and she's also wanting to attend the Hearing Voices group too (this is basically a social group where anyone who suffers with hallucinations, particularly auditory, can sit together and discuss things. People who don't suffer with this, or are carers etc cannot attend so it's purely for patients with these experiences plus the couple of members of staff that run it). Keri's allowed to go down to Woodside to do the therapies on the condition that the ward phone the OT (occupational therapy) department to say Keri's on her way, and for the OT department to phone the ward when Keri's on her way back. This is to keep Keri safe, otherwise she could have left to go to a two hour group, not attended and no one would realise until afterwards. Two hours is a long time! Her unescorted leave is only to be taken in daylight hours and she can't go if she's got a headache as this is normally a warning sign that Sally wants to come out. Finally, she's been granted three hours a week to go home with her foster family. Hopefully this can be changed for Christmas Day and Keri can spend the day there.

Liz came to pick her up early afternoon, after she'd been interrogated by the staff about Keri. I bet she had a lot of fun with that. Her leave was pretty normal. A normal family environment, not confined within the fences of a psych ward. Keri chatted a lot to her foster parents and also sat and watched some TV. She felt a bit odd being out of hospital but that house still feels like home to her. I don't think her foster parents realise how grateful Keri was that they took her home for a while. Keri told Dr. Harland that if she wasn't granted home leave then she'd go apeshit for the day. Liz also said this to them when she came to pick Keri up. Keri didn't even get into ward round until after midday so she was already thinking of ways of being completely rebellious (she was going to deliberately cause trouble due to the fact the cabin fever was really wearing her down, I think that's partly what's been causing all the crying episodes). Luckily that didn't happen!

Keri even got to see her kid foster brother, although technically they aren't supposed to see each other. Who cares? I don't see the issue with it, neither do Keri or her foster parents. Unfortunately Keri's key worker wrote out a risk assessment for her leave for when she goes home for a few hours. Obviously there are 'Risk to Self' factors: "...currently at high risk of self harm and suicide when dissociating mainly as Sally...". However they've also put her into the 'Risk to Others' category by stating: "...have grabbed knives with intent to use them while at your foster parents needing to be restrained by them". This was a one time incident when Sally came out last year the night before she was first admitted to an adult psychiatric hospital. I don't think this even needs to be written down on her risk assessment! But a nurse turned around to her this morning and said, "Keri, the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour". Really? Is that really true in this case? Either way it's written down officially in Keri's notes and there's nothing she can do about it. To tell you the truth, if that wasn't written down and Sally came out while Keri was on leave at her foster parents and went for the knives then a lot of people would be in deep trouble! 

This evening something has triggered Keri off but I really don't know what it is. She was fine when she got back to the ward from going home, she was fine for a couple of hours after that, but then for some reason she found herself curled up on the floor and not being able to stop crying. Trust me, she tried to stop. She wanted a cigarette and doesn't like people to know she's been crying. It took her nearly half an hour before she could wipe away the last of her tears and even then it was obvious she'd been crying. Her eyes were all red and puffy. Luckily when she went to smoke the staff were busy in the office and she used a door to go out to the garden that most of the other patients rarely use. It's bugging me though. I'm trying to find a trigger so I can write it down for Keri in the future but I can't find one anywhere!

But let's focus on the positives. Keri had a good time with her foster parents and has never appreciated a cup of tea more from Liz! Let's hope it's a regular thing, although they are very busy people so sometimes things do get in the way and Keri isn't able to see them. It's been three years pretty much now though so she's past the 'feeling rejected' stage. She doesn't take it personally, it just makes her appreciate the next visit even more.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 127

Written by Fox.

DAY 127 - 12th December, Thursday

Keri woke up to find a member of staff unlocking her door and bringing in another parcel that had arrived for her. When she got up about forty minutes later to see what had arrived she was extremely annoyed to find out that they'd already opened it and gone through the box. Checking the time, she also saw that it was nearly midday and Keri had specifically asked to have someone wake her up so that she could find out whether the staff had sorted her leave. The guy who came in with the parcel didn't even speak to Keri. He just tiptoed in, put it on her desk and then left, locking the door behind him, doing his hourly check at the same time.

She's been massively angry with the staff all day as they didn't get her leave sorted even though she kept pushing for it. In the end she was reaching the end of her tether and was losing it, leading to more crying episodes, swearing and the staff having to give her extra medication again this evening to prevent a massive kick off. Luckily there were three members of staff working so one of them managed to escort her to tesco. Keri managed to get wrapping paper and birthday cards and Clari decided to come out and fill the basket with rubbish. Keri came back when she was stood at the checkout. She looked at the basket, just sighed and decided she may as well just buy the stuff. Clari would eat it and then Keri would throw it up again so there was quite a serious binge purge episode this evening which has left Keri's throat red raw. I've had to keep consoling poor Jimmy as he keeps crying because he doesn't understand why his throat is so sore. 

Keri found out that Dr. Harland is due to come in around 10.30am tomorrow and has told two members of staff to get her up at 9am so she has time to wrap some presents and get sorted. Luckily the two members on shift are very good at getting Keri up (take Matt for instance, he'll talk non stop until she finally goes "fine I'll get up!". She's also asked that she be the first to have her ward round so she can get her leave sorted. The foster agency manager is still refusing to have Keri and her kid foster brother in the same house so she's only allowed to go while he's at school. Keri's foster mum has said that she may or may not make it to Keri's ward round. She has said to Keri that if she hasn't got to the unit by 10.30am then she won't be attending Keri's ward round but Keri has promised that if this is the case then to ring her straight after ward round to talk about leave. The staff will want to ring her anyway, or talk to her if she manages to get to the ward round.

Tonight has been quite relaxed because of Keri's medication. She's exhausted and it's barely past midnight! Hopefully that means an early night. The staff are pretty determined to get her out of bed tomorrow morning as requested. They won't let her down either as she ended up talking to them about how annoyed she was at the morning staff for not waking her up or doing anything to sort out her leave. As far as anyone's aware, no one even made a phone call! Can you blame Keri for being angry?

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 126 (18 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 126 (18 weeks) - 11th December, Wednesday

Keri's solicitor visited today and has put in the withdrawal application for Keri's tribunal. There isn't any point in her having it as she can promise to stay in the ward for treatment but can't promise it for the rest of her alters, like Sally! I don't mind staying, but some aren't as settled and feel uneasy about the whole thing, especially with Keri attempting suicide or Sally trying to kill us (I guess from an outside perspective that's the same thing).

For most of the day she's kept herself to herself. But by the time late evening came she had a complete mental breakdown. She couldn't stop crying and even ended up crying in front of staff which she never does unless it's extreme distress. She ended up texting her foster mum in the middle of all this asking to go home for a bit and, thankfully, she said yes. Unfortunately, it's all down to Keri's current overseeing psychiatrist to make the decision tomorrow morning as Keri's still under a section. Considering the aftermath of yesterday no one is too clear on what the answer will be. I can say one thing. If Keri isn't allowed out tomorrow then Sally will go nuts for her benefit. Keri will want to just run out the ward but doesn't have the guts. Sally does. That's the problem if they work together like that, it gets us into extremely dangerous situations, normally getting restrained and handcuffed too.

As Keri was so distressed, the staff gave her extra medication which Keri was a bit dubious about as she wants to be awake tomorrow morning when they find out whether she can go home for a bit. But if she didn't take it then she'd spend the night unsettled and it would be doubtful she'd get any sleep, or even stop crying. Matt brought her The Hobbit to watch as he's on the night shift tonight with Bernie. She's getting close to the end now so she'll be able to give it back later. It's kept her distracted which is what Keri has needed. She's also trying to hold onto the hope that she can go home tomorrow.

Keri made a nice new friend in the garden today! It was a ginger and white cat and loved being stroked and petted. I'll have to find a photo and put it on the DID page. It even sat on the table next to where she was sitting and just laid there, rolling on it's back every now and then. Keri's not a cat person and neither am I. But she was pretty, and Keri found stroking it quite therapeutic.

Wish us luck that we can go home for a few hours! Otherwise I doubt there will be a blog post for tomorrow!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 125

Written by Fox.

DAY 125 - 10th December, Tuesday

Keri did actually get to bed before 2am last night as her head hurt so much. All she wanted to do was lie down. She still had a migraine in the morning but the staff didn't disturb her besides coming in at about 12.15pm to give her her two doses of medication. She stayed in bed until about 2pm. She's been depressed and had a lot of crying episodes going on, which is why I think Sally decided to "help" today.

All Keri remembers is playing a game on her iPad then finding herself running through some dark woods with the police helicopter hovering above her. When she became fully aware of being herself, she slowed down to try and figure out where she was. It turns out she was up near the observatory, yet again by the suspension bridge. Could Keri have stopped and phoned the unit? Yes. Could she have asked for help? Yes. She didn't want it. So instead she legged it to the bridge and casually walked along it. She almost got over the fence again before a passing car spotted her and the two people inside (I'm assuming a married couple) grabbed her and got her off the fence for the few seconds they waited for the security to be able to get there. That's when Keri started to kick off as she knew how far away security had been. She knew that if that car hadn't stopped then she'd have been able to get over.

She started panicking and two officers arrived and had to handcuff her due to the fact she was so distressed to the point of being very unpredictable, and Sally was nipping out here and there which kept getting her restrained. They kept hold of her until a police van arrived. They thought it would be safer due to Keri's mental state that putting her in the back of a van would be safer for both Keri and the officers, one of which sat in the cage with her.

After finally managing to get Keri back to the unit the police took her into the staff office where they sat Keri down and spoke to the staff. At this point Keri was rocking frantically back and forward, still hyperventilating and was unresponsive to anyone speaking to her. The staff decided it would be better to speak to the police without Keri there and took her through to the manager's office. One staff member chatted to the police while another went to get Keri a cup of tea. Keri overheard the police talking to Andy, a member of staff, and about how things were going to work out. The police were of the opinion Keri needed to be on a locked ward and were talking about the repetitive absconding and dangerous situations that had happened only in the last four months of being in hospital. Keri zoned out a bit after that but I heard Andy say to the police that if this happens again then Keri will be moved to a secure ward, and it could very well be likely that she'd be sent to ECH. Not something anyone wants! 

She was kept on one to one for a while, now she's on ten minute obs. The staff have said that when she settles to bed they'll take it down to half hour obs and then after a couple of hours put it down to hourly obs again so they don't disturb her when she finally gets some much needed sleep. Unfortunately it doesn't look like Keri is going to bed any time soon! Such a shame. I really hope things start settling. Keri's going to text her psychotherapist tomorrow and see whether there's anything she can do to help.

Sectioned in Hospital: Day 121 - Day 124

Written by Fox.

DAY 121 - 124: 6th November, Friday - 9th November, Monday

Not much has really happened over the last few days. I was out yesterday all day and even helped the staff cook a roast dinner which I really liked doing. I even ate the meal. I did quite well according to the staff. Everyone seemed to love it. It's complicated cooking for 11 people though!

Today Keri had her physical obs done as it's Monday. She was very confused at first because she thought it was Sunday. She'd missed out a day because I'd been out. Her obs were predictable: blood pressure slightly slow, pulse over 100, as usual. She was very glad when she got weighed though. Me and Clari have been eating but Keri's lost over 2kg. How that works I have no idea.

Keri had a quick conversation with Fiona but needed to go to bed as she was in really bad pain from a headache. They spoke about Sally. Apparently if she starts kicking off too frequently and the police start repetitively getting involved then they'll have no choice but to move her to a more secure ward, and the likelihood is that it would be ECH (the acute female secure ward). The problem with this is that in Sally's eyes it's classed as a threatening environment and Sally will be out constantly, and will refuse to let Keri back out until she's moved to a less dangerous unit (it's a unit that is allowed to take patients who have been found guilty of a crime and been court ordered to hospital). But if Sally stays out then she won't get moved, then she'll get worse and so on. A vicious circle. Hopefully we don't get to that point.

Unfortunately Keri's had a severe migraine all day and has had to spent most of the day in her bedroom with the curtains shut and stay lying down to stop the world spinning around. She's a bit better now but still a nagging headache. Instead of having a bad migraine, her head hurts less but she's very tense and short tempered. When she went to get her medication earlier this evening she mentioned this to the staff. He offered Keri some extra Lorazepam but she's going to have it with her sleeping tablet instead. It'll mean an early night. Even though she's tense, all she wants to do is lie down because of her headache.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 119 & 120 (17 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 119 & 120 - 4th & 5th November, Wednesday & Thursday

Yesterday was quite a quiet day. Keri was herself all day which was reassuring. She saw her personal advisor for social services and then spent most of the rest of her time in her room with her DVDs and music. She was desperate to have some of her own space. She thought she was going to get it by moving to Alder Unit as she was told she'd only be checked on once every shift. She was still on hourly observation.

Waking up today, Keri felt quite tense and knew Sally was lingering. She tried to do her normal routine, starting off by going down to do her physio in the gym. Her key worker had a chat with her when she got back and asked how Keri was.

"Feeling a bit tense," Keri said. "Something bad is going to happen."

"Is that a gut feeling?" she said. "Like a sense of impending doom?"

"That's a bit of an exaggeration," Keri said, smiling slightly.

"You know what I mean," she said. "We're here if you need us."

Later that evening, Keri asked if she could go out on unescorted leave. She wanted to get some goodies from the supermarket. She had no intention of disappearing. Her plan was to go to the supermarket and then come back to the unit so that she could build up her leave and eventually get off of her section. Unfortunately, Keri dissociated and she found herself standing in some bushes in pitch black right next to the suspension bridge.

The problem with Keri is she's consciously trying to think of her future, however, subconsciously she's still suicidal. Sally is part of Keri's subconscious so acts on these feelings. Keri wasn't angry at all. In fact, she was glad. She's been struggling so much that she knew that finally it could all be over. Those subconscious feelings were how conscious and in the forefront of her mind. There was no one on the bridge and she sprinted to the middle of it. What she didn't realise was that there was a passer by on the other side of the bridge. She saw Keri climbing over the barrier and ran across the road to pull her down. That stranger saved Keri's life. The security wouldn't have gotten to her in time. She was restrained by security when they ran over to where she was fighting with this woman. Both of them got Keri onto the floor while she struggled. Luckily the woman was still there and security asked her to ring 999 and get the police up to the bridge. She'd been reported missing and only twenty minutes earlier security had been told to look out for her. They even had the helicopter flying in circles around the bridge.

Four police cars showed up and she was handed over to the officers by the security guards. At this point she was still fighting against them. When they finally managed to get her into the back of a 

police car she gave up. She went into another dissociative stupor until they got back to the hospital. Since being back at the hospital they've given her all the medication they can and kept her on one to one observation for five hours from 8.30pm until 1.30am when Keri said she was going to get ready for bed. It was decided they could put Keri on ten minute observation for the night. Considering there's only two members of staff, one of them had to be with Keri at all times while the other had to do everything else. The other patients were getting a bit agitated as the staff had to keep all the doors locked, including the doors out to the smoking area. I'm assuming this was done to reassure the police that Keri wouldn't have another episode.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 118

Written by Fox.

DAY 118 - 3rd December, Tuesday

Keri hasn't been out at all today. She woke up as Clarissa. Staff nipped into her room during her hourly obs and said that they'd arranged a nurse to escort her to her physio session. Clari turned around and said she's never done any physio. Immediately the nurse asked who Keri was which was when Clari introduced herself and it became fairly obvious. While Clari was pruning herself, the physio turned up and had a chat with Clarissa. Clari told her she might be able to do stuff with Keri tomorrow but couldn't promise anything. 

Clari went to the supermarket twice today (she's now got two half hour unescorted leaves). She bought some Christmas lights to put in Keri's room as a surprise, a shirt for David plus some shoes, a pair of boots for her, some more coat hangers, food for me and one of those plugs that you can plug more plugs in. She was pretty tame with her shopping. The problem is she tried buying vodka. When that didn't work and she got asked for ID she got quite annoyed. It's probably good that Keri doesn't have ID at the moment!

I came out at about 6.30 this evening. Apparently Clarissa told the staff earlier in the evening that I was likely to come out so they were given warning. She knew I'd be out so I found a sandwich which she bought me. Thank you Clarissa for thinking of my appetite for once! I haven't done much. I put on a video in one of the lounges (there's three of them) so I settled on one on my own for an hour or two which was quite nice as I was out of our bedroom. I'm feeling very tired and I'm now back in our room with some comedy DVDs. It's very likely Keri's going to wake up as herself tomorrow but Sally's not doing well so Keri will have one hell of a headache!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 117

Written by Fox.

DAY 117 - 2nd December, Monday

Keri was all for going to bed early last night but it didn't pan out well. She was settled and in bed by 1.15pm but her head was racing too much for her to settle. By the time it hit 2am she was back out in the communal areas again and was given Lorazepam while she was still worked up at 3am. An hour or so later and she finally got off to sleep and forced herself out of bed before midday today! In fact it was before 11.30am! Go Keri! 

She wanted to finish off her packing before seeing her psychotherapist which she managed to do. She had quite a good session. They discussed the risks involved with moving to Alder Unit and how to deal with things. Everyone knows Sally is going to push everyone to the absolute edge of the line. But because it's expected, people are ready for it. Some staff have already met me and they'll be meeting Clari tomorrow (she has shopping plans, wait until she finds out she's only allowed out for half an hour!). So the staff are slowly getting used to Keri's switching. 

Keri's mum and her partner arrived just before 2pm. Keri had found out she couldn't move to the rehab unit until after 3pm as they needed to sort out handover. So instead they went shopping. Keri had already seen her room and seen the lack of storage facilities so decided she was going to buy a couple of bookshelves (massive DVD collection!) and also a TV cabinet thing. It's basically like a coffee table with compartments but Keri wants a bean bag chair to watch TV with. Well, that's when she gets her TV. Her foster parents can't get it to her until next week but Keri doesn't mind, she's lasted four months without her TV, Wii and blu-Ray player, another week won't hurt. 

Keri's mum's partner fixed up the shelves for her. Unlike Lime Unit, visitors are actually allowed into patients' rooms! Keri's mum put together the TV thing but it was painful to watch! Keri's no good at DIY and now I see what side of the family that comes from! But overall it ended up with them having a picnic on her bedroom floor (yes, Keri actually ate!). As it was quite dark they weren't able to take Amos out for a walk so instead Keri spent a while running around with him in the mostly empty car park and throwing a plastic bottle for him to get. She's got some really good photos sent to her from her mum and her partner of her playing with Amos. She had photos of Amos but none with them actually together!

So the rehab unit is pretty good. Keri's key worker sat down and went through her care plan. Keri's currently going to be on hourly observation for a couple of weeks until the staff see if things are settled. Unfortunately there's no hatch on the door which means the staff are going to have to unlock her door and open it to peek inside during the night. Not going to help with the sleep pattern! But that's just the way things are at the moment. She normally wears her headphones anyway so it's doubtful she'll hear them. It's weird lying down without an observation light! She's also only allowed half an hour leave unescorted. They've also made a note that if they think Sally has just stormed out of the ward (they can't stop her) then they can phone the security guards on the suspension bridge directly until it gets to the point that Sally hasn't returned in half an hour, which is when they'd then call the police. Sounds fair to me. Some of the rules are a bit stricter as she's still sectioned, such as her leave. It needs to be officially written down by a consultant psychiatrist, unlike with voluntary patients who can come and go as they please and for however long they want.

Overall it's been a pretty good day. Keri's trying to stay optimistic. She already knows Clari is coming out tomorrow and isn't going to be surprised if she finds herself fighting police officers two weeks later with no memory of getting in that position. It's unlikely it'll be constant dissociation. I think she'll have periods of clarity but a lot of it is going to be people coming in and out. Clari is desperate to get David some clothes! Hopefully she behaves herself tomorrow. 

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 116

Written by Fox.

DAY 116 - 1st December, Sunday

Only a short entry as not much has happened! Keri seems to be fairly stable today because of her machine that gives her those shocks. I keep forgetting what it's called. Sally hasn't been a hassle and overall it's been a good day. She hibernated but when she got up she sorted her stuff and has pretty much finished packing for when she moves tomorrow. It's amazing the amount of stuff she's managed to gather over the last four months! It's a good job she's only moving next door!

Keri's mum and her partner are visiting tomorrow so hopefully they can help Keri move her stuff and then do a bit of shopping afterwards and probably go and take Amos to the nature reserve. Keri wanted them to come tomorrow instead of Tuesday as she knows that most of tomorrow Keri will be herself. Clarissa already has plans for Tuesday! Including going to buy some clothes for David to encourage him to start coming out again. We've missed him, well, Sally hasn't but the rest of us have. So tomorrow should be a good day, then the switching will probably begin. No one is going to know who's going to pop up next! It's the newfound freedom that's going to set everyone off, plus I felt quite comfortable when I visited so I'm quite happy coming out. Maybe this is a fresh start for Keri, plus the rest of us. And hopefully the nurse that told her she'll be seeing her on the unit again soon, or in ECH, is totally wrong. Keri has strength in her, she just needs help finding it.