Sectioned in Hospital - Day 22

Written by Fox.

DAY 22 - 29th August

Keri had her CPA this morning. She was getting very agitated beforehand and as soon as she walked into that room tensions were already in the air. Keri knew they'd already made a decision as they'd been talking between themselves for an hour before letting Keri in. 

As the doctor was talking she was getting more and more hacked off. It was fairly obvious how annoyed she was getting, especially as Sally was lingering. They decided Keri's section wasn't going to be lifted, didn't even come close to discussing a discharge plan and her dosage of antipsychotics have been put up. 

In the end, Keri left in a proper pissy. She stormed through the corridor to go to the garden. I've never seen her so angry, unfortunately Sally was spurring her on. One of the nurses called after her and said, "Keri, lunch is ready!" And all Keri did was shout back "I don't care!" and went into the garden. Her frantic pacing just got faster and faster as she sparked up cigarette after cigarette. This went on for about 20 minutes before her foster carer, her outreach worker and her personal advisor came outside to see her (they'd been part of the meeting). She carried on pacing for a minute before her foster carer said, "Are you not going to stop and say goodbye?" Keri replied with a blatant 'no'. Her coat was sat on one of the benches so she went straight over and grabbed it, put it on and stormed past them saying, "We're leaving."

Obviously her foster carer turned round and said it couldn't happen but Keri was already shooting up the corridor and told the nurse that she was going out with her foster carer. As Keri was looking at the nurse, the nurse was looking over at Keri's gathering of three and shaking her head. They weren't going to let her out. Keri stood by the desk near the door while they signed out and the nurse said, "Do you want to come round the other side? We can show you out the back door."

As her foster carer, personal advisor and outreach worker started making their way round the other side of the desk Keri just completely lost it. She kicked the desk before taking a few steps towards the door and repeatedly kicking it with all the force she had. The staff tried talking to her but Keri was in no mood to listen. She power walked through the ward and out into the women's garden, grabbed the bin and carried it across the garden to put up against the fence. Keri had hardly got it against the fence before several members of staff came running out into the garden. 

She managed to get up on top of the bin before they reached her which meant she had a good grip on the fence to climb over. Unfortunately by this point the staff also had good grip on both her ankles and legs. 

"Get the hell off of me!" she shouted at the staff.

"Keri, you're not safe to leave the hospital. I know you've just had a meeting and it obviously hasn't gone well. Come on down and we can have a chat," said one of the nurses.

"Fuck off the lot of you! I just need to get out of here! Get off my legs!" Keri shouted back at them.

"We can't do that, Keri," the nurses said, still holding tightly onto her legs. She was still trying to kick them away while she had a strong grip on the fence but she had two nurses on each leg. 

"I want to leave, I don't need to be here. I don't want their drugs. I don't need to be sectioned. I just want to go home!" Keri cried as she started thrashing her head against the fence.

Because Keri refused to get down and was thrashing her head against the fence they had to pull her down, with great difficulty! She was restrained by two of the staff and they sat her down on a bench between them. At first Keri resisted but she was hyperventilating and crying, so in the end she stopped fighting and just sat between them while they held her arms. Another nurse ran off to go and get her some PRN medication. The two nurses with her spent a long time chatting to Keri to try and calm her down. 

The nurse brought out triple the dose of Lorazepam she normally takes to calm down so I obviously don't need to explain the ins and outs of exactly how distressed she was! The nurses talked to her a lot, especially about Keri's foster parents. They asked her what she'd do if the situation was reversed and she had a daughter that was doing 'this' to herself. They also talked about how they noticed she lights up whenever her foster mum visits and that the love in the family was worth more than any other love. Keri started crying again and just said, "I don't understand how they can love me like their own daughter if I feel like my own parents didn't even love me. I care about my foster parents so much and I just want to go home."

"It's rare to get people like your foster parents, Keri. Deep down you must know that they're only doing this because they care about you too much to see you get hurt. If I had a daughter who wanted to take a power drill to her head then I'd do anything I could to keep her safe," one of the nurses said.

"But they won't let me home and there's nothing wrong with me! All they've done is put up my medication!" cried Keri. 

"That's why it's better for you here, especially because you had to restart your antidepressants. We can watch you 24 hours a day, that's our job. Your foster parents aren't able to do that. That's what you need right now, 24 hour observation and treatment. We can see you're trying to work with us so hopefully you'll get out soon. We don't want to send you out too early or you'll end up back here again. It's like having a broken leg. Once it's healed you can't start running on it, you need to take it slow and recover. At the moment your leg is still broken. That's why you're here and why we're here. We're not your enemies. We care about you and don't want to see you getting hurt."

By this point Keri had only smoked a couple of cigarettes and already the Lorazepam was taking effect. She walked back inside with staff who went and got Keri her sandwich. By the time she'd finished actually eating her sandwich for a change she was a walking zombie. She barely had the energy to walk and was totally out of it. She also had her evening Diazepam which has doped her up even more. Add her cocktail of evening medication and she's going to be in a drug-induced coma tonight! That's why I'm writing this blog post slightly earlier than usual.

She's definitely going to be out of it for a few days until her body gets used to the higher dosage of medication. She normally gets quite sedated, her eyes are droopy and glazed over, and following simple conversations is very difficult. After those few days she goes back to normal though. Hopefully once her body has got used to the dosage it will stop her pacing so much or at least have some effect. The doctor hopes that the higher dosage will help her realise that there isn't a bug in her head and that it is just a delusion. She's still in complete denial and has no insight into her condition; an unfortunate situation when it comes to psychosis.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 21

Written by Fox.

DAY 21 - 28th August

Tensions have been rising and rising all day. Keri woke up in a very bad mood and over the course of the day has just been getting more and more pent up. She's been swearing and cussing, even at some of the staff. She's been getting frustrated and overall she's not been doing great today. She's clocked over 10 miles pacing round and round the garden today (her iPod has an automatic pedometer). It's getting ridiculous.

It's been 3 days in a row that Keri has burnt herself now. She hasn't told the staff about the one she's done today because honestly it's their fault. She tried 4 times to ask to talk to someone about the hallucinated guys that were shouting at her through the fence. There was never anyone around. And when there was, other patients were pushed ahead because they don't want to hang around. It took Keri three hours to get her sandwich from lunch. The queue was too long and she got stressed out and just said screw this and walked off. 

When she tried to find staff to talk to it was getting harder and harder for her not to get angry. By the time it got to the third time of waiting at the desk for 10 minutes to wait for a member of staff that never showed up she just shouted "fuck this shit!" and went storming back to the room. The fourth time she actually ended up punching the desk. It wasn't even late afternoon yet! By the time handover happened and she found out her key nurse was working she'd gone way past wanting to talk to anyone. 

I'm worried about Keri's anger. She doesn't normally get like this unless Sally's slowly easing herself out until she goes bang. Maybe I'm worrying about nothing and it's just Keri being frustrated. Or it could be a combination of both. She's been sectioned for over 3 weeks now and has been very agitated knowing she's got a CPA tomorrow morning that may not go the way she wants it to.

We reached 500 supporters for our DID page today! And also got our first video up on our YouTube channel! Things are kicking off big time in a good way when it comes to that. Keri will be thrilled when she starts using the Internet again and finds all this has happened! You guys are just so amazing, especially at the moment with all the supportive messages. We couldn't do it without you so a big thanks to all our brilliant supporters!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 19 & 20

Written by Fox.

DAY 19 - 26th August

It wasn't a good start for Keri. She was pacing the garden at 5am and decided to burn herself with her cigarettes again. Big black cross against the discharge idea. She's still drawing a lot. It's her silhouettes which are getting better and better! 

Keri's home leave was 'okay'. Liz and Phil know she needs to stay in hospital for longer though because of the way she was. She enjoyed the fact she was back at home and with her foster family but it was very obvious that she was still psychotic; she was staring out of the window at visual hallucinations of people that are supposedly spying on the house, she was very paranoid while her and her foster mum were shopping and back at the house, and that bug started scratching away at Keri's head so she paced up and down the garden a bit. I was extremely scared for her as her foster dad was using his power drill to fix a shelf on the fridge door. It was within her reach. The rushing thoughts, that overwhelming compulsion to grab that drill, and put it straight into her head where she could feel it crawling. I honestly thought she was going to grab it.

Going home was hard for her. Her foster parents had already said that they wouldn't lie to the doctors or staff in her CPA on Thursday which Keri is quite annoyed about. Even so, she hated leaving them behind knowing that she was going to resume being locked in the ward again. She's still not allowed unescorted leave. As soon as she has that then Sally or Keri will take opportunity of that, more likely Sally in the beginning to get away fast enough to not be caught. Just think quiet thoughts!

Got plenty of DVDs she brought back. I'm hoping that'll distract her more to pass the time and maybe her concentration could improve.

DAY 20 - 27th August

Another long day for Keri. She saw the physiotherapist this morning and she doesn't think it's arthritis although wants to make sure the blood results are clear. I'm assuming if they weren't someone would've seen Keri by now. Well, it's the NHS so who knows what to expect?!

Her outreach worker visited and they went to the supermarket to do some shopping and have a drink. It was good for Keri to get off the ward. I think it would've been too much to go any further today, not with the way she's feeling. She's added another burn to her wrist because the hallucinated men that are 'following her' were shouting abuse through the garden fence. That's three burns in total she has now. I'm hoping she won't do it again. I'm also very surprised they haven't confiscated her cigarettes or sit outside and watch her smoke if they have to. Isn't this supposed to be a place of safety?

Keri was actually nice to the staff earlier, which annoyed Clarissa! Keri had bought some chocolate variety things and decided to give them to the staff as a kind gesture. They were intended for Clarissa so she's not happy! However Keri does still have some packets of lollies which should keep her occupied for a while!

Keri's made more injuries to her head today. Poor girl got so desperate and used pieces torn off of a coke can! She hasn't told staff this though, they haven't even asked as it was late this evening she did it. I'm very suspicious that Sally has managed to get some blades. I don't know for definite but you know when your gut is trying to tell you something and it feels like an instinct? It's a bit like that. Well we'll find out sooner or later, or maybe we won't, best just to leave it and hope for the best. I'm doing a lot of hope here, hanging out on a leap of faith!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 17 & 18

.Written by Fox.

DAY 17 - 24th August

Now that was a seriously bad night. Keri didn't get to sleep until at least 5am as she was up all night having visions of her foster family being hurt and killed. In fact it was so real to her that Brian (pseudo name for one of the nurses) gave her some Lorazepam so she was calmer and promised to handover to the morning staff that they would contact Keri's foster mum to make sure she was okay. Keri eventually settled down but was very anxious during the day. She asked the nurses several times about whether anyone had called her foster mum and none of them knew what she was talking about. Their handover sucks! 

Thankfully her foster mum visited in the evening and Keri was reassured that her foster mum was safe, along with everyone else. They even left the hospital and nipped over the road to the supermarket. Keri needed to buy some stuff but the longer they were out the more she was getting agitated. Her paranoia gradually got worse, the bug she thinks is in her head started scratching more, she thought everyone in the supermarket was following her. She saw it in "their beady little eyes". To the outside she probably looked just a bit agitated but on the inside she was going wild. 

Clarissa decided to try and help Keri late in the evening. She'd bought Clarissa some bows and Liz bought her some clips so Clarissa decided to repay the debt for the gifts. Unfortunately this gift came in the form of a very strong joint in the garden after Keri had had her night time medication. Keri found herself sitting on her floor in the ensuite shower/toilet. She knew Clarissa had smoked weed again as she could smell it and feel the effects of it as well. Keri was going to have to wait another half an hour before being able to get her washing out of the dryer. All she wanted to do was lie down and watch the ceiling swirl into different shapes. She fell asleep and didn't get her washing until gone midnight; stumbling along the corridor and going as quickly as she could so that she didn't run into any staff. Luckily the laundry room was unlocked and is only several metres along the corridor from her room. 

After getting her washing she spent nearly an hour trying to get undressed and sorted for bed because her coordination was all over the place. When she did finally collapse into bed that was it and she was totally unconscious, almost like she'd had a litre of vodka thrown down her throat.

DAY 18 - 25th August

Keri was pretty much dead until gone 11.30am, and she only got up because the cleaners were knocking at the door needing to come in and do her room. After getting dressed she sat and waited for her little brother and foster mum to arrive as they were due to visit at 12pm. They never arrived. I didn't even realise that her little brother had messaged me about it until I came out and checked my messages at about 2pm. I wish I'd checked before. It was a message to say that he wouldn't be able to come as the train ticket turned out to be more expensive than he'd thought and he didn't have the money. Poor Keri had been waiting around for 2 hours and I feel so guilty. Remind me to check my messages more! Keri is still not using the Internet or her phone so the only way she can know anything is if her foster mum or someone visits her or if I pass something on from Facebook or whatever. 

Keri was very upset that they weren't able to visit. She decided to talk to staff and she also talked about a patient (let's call her Alison) that was getting to her. This kind of patient is very dramatic, attention-seeking and brags about things that shouldn't be bragged about, showing off self harm wounds like a trophy. Keri's got it rough already, surely she doesn't need any of that as well? It's ridiculous. Unfortunately Clarissa gets along very well with Alison and this is a downfall for Keri. The staff have been very good about all this and Keri was able to talk to her key nurse on shift very openly about her alters. He seemed to understand the complicated situation and Keri was very appreciative. Her urge to self harm (on a scale out of 10) had been a 6, but she told her key nurse that in the recent 10 minutes while smoking it had gone up to an 8. He urged Keri to speak to staff if the urge got any higher.

It's now quite late. Night medication has been taken and still Keri is revved up, having visions again and hallucinating. There's no money missing from Keri's purse and I've searched the room myself for any form of drugs. There is none as far as I can see. I hope this means that Clarissa won't come out to play for a bit. It's okay with me coming out as I just write online or do something rare like go and make Keri a nice cappuccino if she's feeling miserable. I don't do drugs, try and escape from the hospital or hurt Keri in any way. I sure hope she starts getting better soon. Some of the patients here make Keri worse and not better. But, that being said, at least she can't drill a hole through her skull. She's in an environment of enforced forced physical safety in some respects. Silver linings.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 16

Written by Fox.

DAY 16 - 23rd August, Friday

It wasn't even 12pm before Keri had seen both the doctor and the physiotherapist! She's had bloods taken to check for any sign of arthritis and the physiotherapist has suggested Keri may need x-rays on her wrists because she can feel the problems with her cartilage, there's a bit of "wear and tear". She's only 19! Maybe if things turn out that she's damaged her body to that extent it might give her a wake up call about her eating. It better do anyway. 

She's been given exercises to do for her wrists twice a day supervised by staff (she uses a long yellow elastic belt so a staff member has to be with her while she does the exercises). This has to be done for at least 6 weeks before any improvement may be seen and then she'll have to carry on doing the exercises indefinitely. The physiotherapist is still trying to figure out how she can help Keri with her ankles as her first theories of it being ligament problems appears to be wrong. All Keri can do is keep up with her wrist exercises and then on Tuesday she can start going down to the gym with the physiotherapist to work on her ankles (the physiotherapist will see Keri every week day but it's a bank holiday on Monday so she's not in). By then hopefully her blood tests will be back to see if she has arthritis. It's amazing what a couple of vials of blood can do nowadays.

A quiet day overall thank god. She had her session with her psychotherapist who's still extremely worried about Keri's welfare if she was to be sent home. She's still not allowed to leave the ward unescorted. The psychotherapist tried to tell her that the bug would go away on it's own but Keri is adamant that it won't. All the nurses have said that she can't cut through bone to get to the bug that she thinks is inside her skull, yet she keeps trying. Now she's fixated on power tools. She doesn't see that that'll kill her if she bores a hole through her skull to get an insect out, she just thinks she can then pull it out and everything will be be fine. If this blog shows anyone anything, it'll be that that kind of thinking is obviously irrational yet someone who's psychotic sees this kind of thing as totally normal. I'm so thankful she's not allowed out on her own! I don't want to die because of a delusion Keri's suffering with! Especially if she kills herself by drilling into her brain.

She's still drawing which is nice. She finished her negative space bunny yesterday and has moved on to a butterfly. Ill probably post some pictures on the DID page when I can. It's amazing how something so simple can look so brilliant. Although it may look simple, I've tried and can't get it right like Keri can! I want her artistic skills! I don't think I have any skills besides using my eyes and ears properly!

On the bright side it's absolutely shooting down with rain which means Clarissa won't have a joint tonight. She was jealous about Keri sharing it so has now hidden it so only she knows where it is and she's the only one who can have it. She won't even tell me! Obviously she knows I'd get rid of it. I'm not happy with Clarissa smoking weed as it also affects Keri. She's already psychotic and paranoid, don't need anything to make it worse!

Keri's little brother wants to visit her again this week. None of the staff at his supported housing will be available to bring him up (he lives about an hour or so away) so he's thinking of coming to visit with Keri's foster mum which will be nice. Although Keri's verbal skills are going downhill again, especially late this evening. You can barely get a word out of her. She's quite literally being sucked into her own little world again. She's depressed, she's suicidal, and she wants her section lifted and to go home. But who's going to let her home if she's determined to revert to power tools to get out a bug that doesn't even exist? 

P.S. More medication added to her night dose? You can't even see the bottom of the pill pot now! Keri even turned round and said to the nurse, "If I carried my day's worth of medication in my bag people would think I'm a drug dealer." They just laughed. Even better was the response from the nurse giving her the medication! He replied by saying, "Yeah, and think about how much money you could make by selling them!" Just thought I'd add that little lighthearted bit towards the end. :)

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 15

Written by Fox.

DAY 15 - 22nd August, Thursday

Keri's had a lot of visits from the medical doctors and from the physiotherapist today. She's been given exercises to do because of her joint problems and the doctor thinks Keri may have rheumatoid arthritis so will be doing tests at some stage to see what comes back from that. Everyone clearly knows her joint problems have been caused by the years of her eating disorder but she's in denial about that and just tries blaming it on genetics? I don't think that's logical. 

One of the good things about her being in a psych unit is that there are doctors around all week. She's been meaning to go to the doctors for ages about things but never got around to it, like her joint problems for instance. It's been told to her multiple times by dieticians etc that because of the length of time she's not been eating properly she could end up with osteoporosis or arthritis, but she never listened.

She's also been prescribed a laxative now as well to take a couple of times every day (again, another long-term side effect of her ED is chronic constipation). The doc said she'd prescribe it in oral form first and if things didn't improve they'd have to do something the other end. Haha! Rather her than me! If oral treatment doesn't work I'm definitely going to run for the hills so I don't have to see anything going on down there!

Vex has really annoyed Keri. She's been wearing a long sleeved top today and got hot so had to roll up the sleeves. The weather has been boiling. She was out on the ward getting ready to go out with him to Tesco. He was sat at the nurses' station with another nurse and suddenly said, "Why have you got your sleeves rolled up, Keri? Do you like showing off your scars?" WHAT!? This has even annoyed me, let alone how it's bothered Keri. It's absolutely boiling weather and now she's too scared to even roll up her sleeves anymore. She's already ashamed of herself, why say that to make her feel even worse about herself? You'd think these nurses would think before they spoke. Keri doesn't wander around showing off her scars with pride, she sees them as horrific and disfiguring, not a trophy to be shown off. Stupid fucking nurse. -angry face!-

Keri's been quite calm, besides scratching and pacing and pulling out her hair. In the circumstances though, that is calm! She hasn't needed any PRN Lorazepam so that's got to be a good thing. Although once again she's combined her night time medication with a joint. This better not become a habit! We'll find out if that's the case once she runs out. Hopefully that'll be the end of it and Clarissa won't get her more. Keri doesn't normally do drugs but if she's offered them she'll do anything for a temporary break from reality. Well, she's already out of touch with reality so let me rephrase that! She'll do anything to get a temporary break from HER reality right now, she finds it too painful.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 14

Written by Fox.

DAY 14 - 21st August, Wednesday

Due to the lack of updates I'm sure you're all aware it really wasn't a good day. Everything was suspiciously calm the day before. 

Keri was going to go down to the gym. She's still not allowed unescorted leave however one of the nurses made a big mistake, thinking she was allowed unescorted leave on the grounds. He signed her out and she said she'd be back by 12 as that was when the gym session ends, starts at 10am. Later in the evening we found out that this member of staff had been told off very badly for letting Keri out as she's a sectioned patient with no permission for unescorted leave.

She'd barely got through the door to the other unit before she had a blackout. Sally decided to jump at the opportunity to get out of the hospital and an hour later Keri found herself in the middle of a field. In her bag was a new packet of cigarettes, new razor blades and a bus ticket.

It was only about 11.15am so she still had time to get back to the ward by 12pm, but did she? Obviously not! If Sally hadn't taken the chance to escape then Keri would've done it herself anyway. The first thing she did was sit down, take out a blade and start trying to get the bug out of her head. She was doing this for ages before giving up and bursting into tears as she could still feel it clawing at her skull. Unfortunately she was very close to some train tracks so, after unsuccessfully trying to remove this bug, she climbed the fence and got onto the train line.

The voices she was hearing were overpowering her and she kept clawing at her head to get everything out, which didn't work. Trains drove past as she aimlessly wandered across them and reports were being sent in to the network rail workers that a young blonde was on the tracks. She was very lucky at one point not to get hit.

By this point it was about 3pm and a network rail worker found her on the tracks sitting a few feet away from the rails. Keri was too involved in her psychosis to even respond to what the woman was trying to say and refused to move from the tracks. The woman stayed on the tracks with her to slow down any oncoming trains and also phoned for a paramedic (Keri had blood all over her hands and her head) and the British Transport Police. 

The paramedic arrived on his motorbike and managed to persuade Keri to go with him to get off the tracks after spending a bit of time trying to build a bit of trust. She followed him across the train line and down some steps before sitting at the bottom of them while the paramedic got his medical kit out. The police had arrived and were lingering around and Keri started to panic.

"Keri, listen," said the paramedic. "You're not in any trouble okay? The police are just here to make sure you're kept safe."

While the paramedic was cleaning Keri's head, the police went through her bag. Her passport gave them all the necessary information and also her DID Crisis Card. They were all very understanding. By this point Keri had been crying and told them she didn't want to go back to the psychiatric hospital as she'd been sectioned there for 2 weeks. Even though she's on a full section the police still put her on a section 136 so that they had the legal power to keep her safe until getting her back to the ward as her head injury needed to be treated in a medical hospital first so it could be closed.

Two more paramedics arrived in their van and they took her the nearest hospital to have her head all sorted out. She was rushed straight through because of her agitation and the police escorts. There were a lot of phone calls being made to the psych hospital to clarify that Keri was on a full section and needed to be taken straight back to the ward.

As soon as Keri got near the van to leave after being treated she panicked again. She didn't want to go back to the hospital and started trying to resist the police officers.

"I can't go back there! I don't need to be there!" she shouted.

"Keri, you need to come with us," one of the officers said while keeping hold of Keri so she couldn't try running off again. "I don't want to take you back by force. I want to be able to get you in the backseat. I don't want you handcuffed or put in the cage. You can trust me. I'm not going to let anybody hurt you, okay? Hospital is the only place you can go right now, we have to take you there. Come on, slow your breathing down. Relax for me. That's better. Do you think you can come and get in the van now? I'll be sat next to you all the way so there's nothing to be afraid of."

Keri eventually got into the back of the van after being persuaded. She didn't have a choice. It was either hospital by force or hospital without handcuffs. By the time she'd got back to the ward it was gone 5pm. She'd been missing from the ward for over 7 hours. The police chatted to Keri's key nurse before they left and she went out into the garden afterwards where Keri was smoking and had a good chat with her. She wasn't being belittling or telling her off for what had happened, all she wanted to do was to help Keri. Her key nurse has a very good heart. She gave Keri some Lorazepam with her Diazepam for her 6pm medication to see if it would calm Keri down a bit. It didn't.

One of the highlights of the evening was that at about 8.15pm a nurse came into Keri's room and said, "Your foster mum is going to be here to visit you soon." Keri was gobsmacked! So soon after they're holiday? She didn't think she'd be seeing them until at least Friday. 

Her foster mum gave her a handmade bracelet with Keri's name on it. It's lovely! Clarissa likes the pink bag it came in! Keri's foster mum and Keri chatted a lot about the holiday and about what had been happening on the ward. It turns out the police had actually turned up at Keri's foster parents' house and had to search it from top to bottom to make sure she wasn't hiding anywhere! The fact that her foster mum visited really pleased Keri. She was feeling quite depressed and is desperate to get back home with her family. She was really eager to listen to her foster mum while she was talking about what they did while on holiday.

Unfortunately Clarissa has also found the time to have fun. She's a very good impersonator of Keri and has managed to acquire some weed from another patient. Keri realised this when she found money missing from her purse and weed in her room! Keri isn't really a drugs kind of person but she's currently not in the state of mind to realise that. Keri, herself and partly Clarissa, decided to have a joint before bed in the evening combined with her cocktail of night medication. She's trying to self-medicate so she doesn't feel so horrible. At first she got even more paranoid but she did feel physically more relaxed. She slept through the whole night! That's a first. Maybe that's the silver lining for what Clarissa did!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 12 & 13

Written by Fox.

DAY 12 - 19th August, Monday

Not much to highlight the day with. Keri was doing the usual and clawing at her head and pacing, still unable to have unescorted leave. The only thing that kept her somewhat sane is that T&D came to visit her again which she was quite happy about. They've visited her 4 times since she's been on the ward and are going on holiday tomorrow. If Keri is still in hospital by Monday (which is practically a given) then they said they'll carry on visiting her which I found really nice. They're very kind hearted people and care a lot about Keri. Keri likes them too so it all goes hand in hand! They did a bit of shopping, sat in a cafe, totally lost track of time! It was okay though, although I did notice her mood rapidly drop after they'd gone. Partly this is because when she has visitors they get to leave when they're finished, leaving Keri on her own, sectioned in an adult psychiatric unit.

She did take all her medication, good girl! She also saw Fiona which didn't last too long as Keri was so drained of energy she could barely get out of bed until the late afternoon. That's because Sally is like a walking time bomb. If she ever wants to come out then sometimes Keri feels very fatigued and gets bad migraines, which she's currently having now! Luckily there's been no Sally episodes as of yet!

DAY 13 - 20th August, Tuesday

Oh. Dear. Lord. Keri had her CPA today and she is seriously pissed. I don't swear very often but that's honestly the only word I can use! Her outreach worker from the fostering agency was there, along with her care co-coordinator, a substitute psychiatrist, someone from the Intensive Team and a nurse. The outcome of this meeting was that Keri's section was not going to be lifted and she had to remain in hospital. She was also not allowed any unescorted leave either. Her next review meeting isn't until next Thursday. So what's going to be the point of her ward round on Tuesday exactly? Or maybe they'll skip her and save it until Thursday? Who knows.

Even though Keri still isn't allowed unescorted leave she's now been granted 4 hours escorted leave (with a trusted adult) and isn't to be left alone at any time. I'm assuming this has been put in place for when her foster carers are fit and ready when they're back from their holiday (which I think is tonight). If that's the case then Keri will be able to start going home for a couple of hours. I'm very worried about this. It's not because I'm not happy that Keri will have the chance of going home it's just the amount of things she can get her hands on to get the bug out of her head. I was thinking of contacting Liz via Facebook and telling her about my concerns; Sally's blades, a kitchen knife, or even one of her foster dad's power tools. If they know the signs to look out for then they might be able to stop her doing anything, like if she starts scratching at her head or pulling out her hair.

The other concern is getting her back to the hospital. There's an issue with what Sally might decide to do if Keri goes home and also Keri doesn't think anything is wrong and doesn't need to be sectioned anyway. Obviously she does need to be in hospital. With all the NHS cuts going on they try to keep as many people out of hospital as possible, especially on a section. 

I was actually expecting her to try and scale the fence today and have the alarms going off again and again from kicking off but it turns out she's done the complete opposite. Besides needing some Lorazepam to calm her down after trying to cut her head again she's been pretty calm since about half an hour after the meeting. She even went out with staff to Tesco (which is right opposite the hospital). Yes, there were buses there that she could've jumped on but it would've ended up that the nurse with her would've had to call the ward and get some help to drag her back to the ward and the bus wouldn't have been allowed to leave until Keri was off the bus. She had very strong urges to just leg it to the bus but didn't. At that point she was trying to stay calm. 

She saw the physiotherapist today because of her joint problems. She's had problems with them for years and the medical opinion (and also the opinion of everyone else!) is that it's because of the years she's spent without proper nutrition, either binge eating, throwing up or starving herself completely. I can't even remember the last time she had a decent healthy meal herself (I'm not including me in that). The most you'd get her to have is some toast!

So today has been calm in some respects. She was in hysterics earlier as she's been chatting a lot to another sectioned patient (let's call her Olivia). She was running around screaming "Thank you staff! Thank you for forcing medication in me! Thank you! I'm psychotic! I have a delusional disorder! You've saved me! I'm cured!" Keri found this hilarious. I have no idea why. I didn't find it very funny at all! It was another Clarissa/Keri moment which are starting to get confusing!

Physio tomorrow. Plus she wants to go to the gym in the morning in the hospital. Might do her some good. It's only 2 hours a day so there's restrictions which means it won't be possible for Keri to become too obsessive-compulsive about exercising, hopefully. 

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 11

Written by Fox.

DAY 11 - 18th August, Sunday

Keri's day didn't start well. She woke up way too early again and tried getting the bug out of her head again. This obviously didn't work. Unfortunately, even though she's in the middle of a paranoid psychosis this doesn't make her DID go away. Sally has been very domineering and didn't want Keri to have her morning medication. As a result Keri pretended to take it and resorted to spitting it out as soon as she got back to her room.

By the time it reached around 12pm the bug in her head was getting too much and the nurses ended up having to give her some Lorazepam to calm her down. It worked to some extent. I was glad that she was given it as she'd not taken her medication so hadn't had her sedatives which of course rendered her incapable of even sitting down properly. Her hallucinations had also got worse which ended up making Keri burn her wrist with cigarettes which just added to the mess.

Her little brother visited today and I think it did her some good. Inside she was really confused as she still thinks her brother is a demon (although I think there are some small doubts in her mind now that weren't there before, that's a good thing right? Considering this delusion has been going on for over 18 months!). He brought some lovely presents. Keri got some cookies and diet coke, and he even brought me and Clarissa a separate packet of cookies each! I thought that was very considerate of him to be honest, and very accepting as well. 

This evening her main fight has been with Sally. I'd dread to think what will happen tomorrow or Tuesday. Her psychotherapy session is tomorrow and Sally has met the psychotherapist now, that's just not good. When Sally has met someone she's more likely to come out again in front of the same person. And Tuesday? It's her care plan meeting which is possibly discussing discharge. If she doesn't get discharged then Sally will be a walking time bomb. This isn't a good situation for any of us!

Hopefully tomorrow will go well as the nurses have gotten into the habit of just bunging Lorazepam into her medication cocktails. Whether or not Keri manages to take her morning medication is anyone's guess! She managed to take her Lorazepam and other two doses of medication so that is something I think. I just don't know anymore. I'm coming in and out like a yo-yo. It's actually quite disorientating. Clarissa also came out and enjoyed some of her cookies, thankfully not touching mine yet!

Wish us luck, by god are we going to need it!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 10

Written by Fox.

DAY 10 - 17th August, Saturday

Weekends always seem so depressing to Keri when she's on the ward. Even though the atmosphere is pretty laid back her desperation to leave and thinking nothing is wrong with her makes her situation almost unbearable. She's been watching so many patients going in and out that she's just burst into tears. 

On an adult acute ward you'd think that most of the patients are sectioned. It may come as a surprise but we've found that's not how it works. The majority of patients here are voluntary and only several are sectioned. Some did originally come in on a section but then agreed to stay voluntarily.

Keri has been okay for most of the day besides the usual pacing and clawing at her head. At around 8pm she'd had enough and tried digging it out with broken bits of pen again. Big S (one of the nurses) gave her some Lorazepam and she seems to have calmed down a bit more now. It wasn't just him giving her medication, he also had a chat with her, even though she didn't understand most of what he was saying.

Big S was trying to explain about why Keri was so confused about why people thought so differently to her. He said something along the lines of, "Well, think about bipolar. You don't have bipolar but we'll use that as the example. If they're having a manic episode it's obvious to everyone around them that they're ill but the person experiencing the mania themselves feels they're fine and on top of the world. But with psychosis it's the same thing. Your reality is being perceived differently to how we see it which is why we can't understand your thoughts as rational which is why people are so worried."

It was something along those lines but Keri tuned out after Big S used the word psychosis. She doesn't want to be labelled as psychotic (although she technically has already been classed as a paranoid psychotic) as she knows that would mean she's unwell. There's no doubt in her mind about her being well and normal, she's still in complete denial and the thought of getting out this bug is growing stronger and stronger. I'm very worried about what she will do to herself if she's given unescorted leave or discharge (which at the moment is very unlikely as the nurses and doctors know the harm she will do to herself because of her psychotic thinking).

I can say though that the nurses haven't tried arguing directly with her delusions or paranoia today which is probably why she's a bit calmer. I doubt anything will change until this bug is gone from her head. Her psychotherapist said it would disappear on it's own and Keri will look back and realise that she was in the midst of psychosis. Keri doesn't believe that it'll go on it's own which is why she's trying to get it out several times a day!

Her little brother is visiting the ward tomorrow. Me and him arranged it but Keri knows he's coming. She also got a lovely letter from him yesterday which she almost burst into tears over. She just stared at it for ages, her mind swirling round in a black mist. Here's what he said and the photo he attached with it (I'm sure he won't mind me sharing it, if you do mind then let me know! I know you read the blog so you'll see this!).

Lovely isn't it?!

She still thinks he's a demon but even so, she can't get rid of the protective feelings she has for him. Hopefully once this episode of psychosis has been treated her delusion about him being a demon may slowly disappear too!

I know the blog has been written slightly early today. Keri hasn't even had her evening medication yet! But because of the Lorazepam she does get quite dopey. It hasn't been long since she had it so add the Mirtazapine, Quetiapine, Zopiclone and Diazepam on top of that! She's a goner for the night, I'm hoping!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 9

Written by Fox.

DAY 9 - 16th August, Friday

Keri had a little hiccup this morning. She was extremely distressed again and rapidly pacing and refusing medication. Once again she was grabbed by the arm to stop her pacing in the garden, made to sit down on a bench and finally ended up taking her tablets. She didn't calm down for a long time but at least she didn't try to escape over the fence! She did ask Vex to talk to Dr. W about giving her unescorted leave as she's still not allowed off the ward on her own. He promised to do this so that Keri would take her medication. The problem was, Dr. W refused to give her any leave because it would involve Keri trying to cut out this "bug". She's still determined. This upset her a lot as she stood at the nurses' station for a while (her room was being painted) watching all the other patients get given permission to go off the ward. The more people that went the more depressed and agitated she was getting. She still hasn't accepted the reasons why she's been sectioned.

A very constructive session with her psychotherapist I have to say. Not once did she argue with Keri's delusions or hallucinations and when she tried challenging Keri's thoughts she did it in a calm and careful manner. This wasn't done to say what she was thinking wasn't real to her, it was to try and understand her delusions and paranoia better and to see how layered they were. Turns out things were a little deeper than originally thought. 

Her old respite carers visited this evening. I loved the fact she was laughing so much. She was allowed leave off the ward with them which was brilliant for her and on the way back they ran into a member of staff. At this point Keri was almost pissing herself and the nurse turned round and said, "Dear god, what have you given her?! That's the first time I've seen her laugh since she's been here!" She was having some kind of episode, the kind where she was quite hyper for a while and couldn't stop laughing. That was because it wasn't just her that was out, it was half Keri and half Clarissa! Damn twin sister trying to burst out! But I'm glad she did as Clarissa's laughing was contagious and it did make Keri genuinely smile when she was fully her again.

Keri found out her next CPA (a care plan meeting) is being held on Tuesday next week. Her foster mum is not going to be happy about that at all! Her foster mum should be at Keri's CPAs but the problem is they'd still be on holiday! Or getting back extremely early in the morning and needing sleep, can't remember which one. Either way her CPA is at 10am which is a ridiculous time if they've got back home from the plane journey. Her foster mum can't be expected to go! 

Distraction today has been doing her negative space drawings and movies, alternating between the two so her concentration levels stay focused; a few minutes drawing, a few minutes watching the movie and so on. I'll probably post a picture of the one she's done of a cat when I get the chance! All with a blank piece of A4 paper and a ball point pen!

She's losing weight again, unintentionally. She is eating but because of all the pacing she's doing the energy is being burned off straight away. I'm praying that this doesn't cause another ED relapse. She has enough problems as it is being in the midst if a paranoid psychotic episode let alone being kept on her section because of ending up as a walking skeleton again. Let's keep hoping.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 8

Written by Fox.

DAY 8 - 15th August

Well I can definitely say today has finally been a calmer day. Keri hasn't tried escaping, she hasn't tried cutting out the bug, and her communication skills are a little better. She was even talking to other patients earlier! Although she still thinks they all are plotting against her. For once she actually sat for 5 minutes in the communal area. She didn't make eye contact and just played on her iPad but at least she wasn't sat in her room!

Keri has had three visits today. The first one was from the Intensive Team. Tash and Bex came to see her (false names of course). Keri knew Tash from previous visits but had never met Bex. She wanted Keri to meet her because Bex has just joined the team and specialises in DID! Finally someone who knows what they're talking about! Bex didn't say much as Tash did a lot of talking trying to answer some of Keri's questions which she'd scrawled on paper. Thankfully they didn't try arguing about her delusions but did say that she was in a catch 22. Either she tell the truth and talk about her delusions such as the bug, or she lies and says they're not there and goes home only to start trying to cut it out again. She's even considered using a power drill! That's how strongly she believes there's a bug in her head! The problem is Keri can't lie, she currently doesn't have the capability. You need logic to lie and currently she's irrational. She wouldn't want to lie anyway as she's so desperate to get this thing out of her.

Her second visit was from one of the OTs (occupational therapist) who took her to the supermarket which is right next to the hospital so she could get some cigarettes, and of course chocolate! The OT tried to make her stay out longer but the longer she stayed out the more paranoid she was getting so it was better to go back to the unit. It got to the point where it was obvious to the OT how paranoid she was without Keri even saying anything, but at least she managed to get some more cigarettes which to her is a priority!

Her final visit was from her outreach worker from the foster agency, who kindly brought along another strawberry milkshake from McDonald's! The outreach worker made a lot of notes as she had to go back to the office and discuss everything with her supervisor as problems have been picked up on which I will now go onto.

During the course of the day Keri was told that she could potentially be discharged home next week. Obviously Keri is very glad about this as she doesn't think she's unwell. However, I don't see the logic. She's still psychotic and delusional, still sectioned, and she's not even allowed off the ward unescorted! Her foster carers can't be put through that, especially if Keri manages to get hold of her foster dad's power drill which would have ghastly consequences. If nothing has changed in the next week then there's no way she can go home, not at least until she gets better and realises there is no bug in her brain.

Until she gets to that point she can't be discharged. That's just my opinion. I agree that patients should only stay in hospital for the minimum amount of time but if someone is so distressed to the point if cutting open their head, thrashing their head against windows or trying to scale an 8 foot fence then there's some serious problems going on. Plus in hospital they can give PRN medication which is currently Lorazepam. She doesn't get that at home. If Keri stays the way she is how are they supposed to keep her safe? And nothing will change until someone gets their backside in gear and changes her anti-psychotic medication! 

Apparently changing medication is a long term thing which can be done with people in the community. Long term? Keri won't have long term out of hospital. The first thing she'd do is try and get her bug out again! No one wants that, especially if she starts using bloody power tools!

A better night's sleep last night. Like I said yesterday, I think her body just gave up and she fell asleep from pure exhaustion. Maybe it won't be so good today considering she's been quite calm, if you don't include the almost constant pacing which, to me, is a minimal symptom right now!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 7

Written by Fox.

DAY 7 - 14th August

Wow. I prayed for a calm and non-disruptive day and instead the exact opposite happens. Keri was up at 4.30am and was pacing again. She couldn't sleep and by the time it hit around 9.30am she was extremely distressed; power-walking round the garden, punching her legs, punching her head. She was called in to have her medication in the clinic room but she said she didn't want it. She said "If it didn't work outside hospital I don't see how it's going to work inside it". She has a valid point. 

Because of the obvious amount of distress they added Lorazepam into her morning cocktail. 

She was rambling and talking extremely quickly, making it difficult to understand her, "I don't need the meds they don't do anything anyway and I don't know who to trust and I need to get this bug out of my head but none of you will give me a knife and I'm not allowed off the ward unescorted by staff. I've got to get out of here, I've got to get out of here, I've got to get out of here."

She'd already scratched her head so much that she'd made it bleed again and it had to be treated.

It took two members of staff to force her to sit down in the clinic room instead of pacing. She had the tablets in her hand but one nurse (let's call him Bill) was having to force her pot to her mouth to get the tablets in. It was extremely distressing but she had no choice but to take them.

Afterwards, she was allowed back out in the garden where she rapidly continued pacing and hyperventilating. Only 5 minutes had gone by since she'd had her medication. But this was long enough. She eventually resorted to grabbing the bin next to the door to the garden, carrying it to the opposite side of the garden and leaning it against the 8-foot wired gate. She doesn't have much muscle but the amount she was trying to use was unbelievable. 

Because of her distress, the staff had been watching her closely. After about a minute they noticed what she was doing and set off their alarms. Six members of staff ended up outside with her. Two on the outside of the unit on the other side of the fence and four on the inside. Two of them tried keeping hold of her ankles so she couldn't dig her heel into the fence to get any grip to climb up as she was still standing on top of the bin. 

They were very kind to her but she just couldn't understand why she wasn't allowed to go. After much persuading she still didn't get down and the bug was scratching so much she started thrashing her head against the fence. Bill ended up having to grab hold of both her legs to knock her balance over so she fell backwards off of the bin into the restraint of the three other staff there. 

Three of them took her to her room, although in between that time she managed to get out of their grip and shoot for the fire exit. You'd expect it to be accessible as it's a fire door wouldn't you? But it was locked. So they took her to her room and sat with her for a while and got a doctor to come and assess her medication. They did fuck all with it besides add her anti-depressants back on which were missed off when she was admitted, which probably explains why she's had more intense episodes of hysterical tears.

She had no visitors today, which is a good job too as with the state she was in she wouldn't have even been able to communicate with them. She's pretty calm now with all her medication, plus the two doses of Lorazepam she's been given which pretty much make her body go bleugh.

So, still sectioned, still psychotic, and as the days go on it's getting more and more difficult to understand what she's saying. The psych needs to change her anti-psychotics, or at least put her on a higher dose, just my opinion! With everything that's happened today I'm really hoping it means she'll sleep through sheer exhaustion! But again, the downside to her psychosis means she can't settle. She can't even sit still. It's heartbreaking to watch.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 6

Written by Fox.

DAY 6 - 13th August

Today was totally and utterly outrageous (if you exclude the fact she had three visitors).

Tuesday is Keri's ward round. She's been waiting for an opportunity to speak with the overseeing psychiatrist since the day she got here. Finally, this afternoon she saw him. She wasn't even in there five minutes and I mean that quite literally. This is the conversation that happened, word for word. Just for those that don't know, Dr. W has a big projector on his wall linked to the computer so he can pop up any page and it projects on the wall.

- cue Keri enters room

Dr. W: "Hi again, Keri. I see you've dyed your hair since I last saw you when you were admitted."

Keri: "Yeah."

Dr. W (to the nurse at the computer): "Can you bring up Keri's notes please?"

Dr. W: "Is there any questions you want to ask, Keri?"

Keri: "When can I leave?"

Dr. W: "Well, you can leave whenever you want. You're voluntary aren't you?"

Keri: "No."

Dr. W: "Oh, have you ever been sectioned before? When was the last time?"

Keri: "A few years ago."

Dr. W (to the nurse at the computer): "Can you bring up Keri's section history please?"

Dr. W: "Well, I think it was agreed last time that hospital isn't the best place for you so I will have to try and speak to your care co-ordinator. Are you willing to stay as an informal patient?"

Keri: "No."

Dr. W: "Okay, then this will have to be carefully planned. Thanks for coming, Keri. I'm on holiday next week so there'll be a different psychiatrist seeing you."

Keri: "Okay, bye."

- cue Keri leaves room.

Not once did he ask about her symptoms and not once did he ask how she was feeling. Keri had promised her foster mum that she'd be honest about her symptoms with the psychiatrist. How is she supposed to be honest about them when the questions aren't even asked? Keri isn't going to openly bring up the topic herself! So that was an absolutely pointless waste of time. 

As soon as that ward round finished Keri had another crying episode and ended up sitting in the garden with a nurse (let's call him Vex). Vex kept trying to argue with Keri's delusions and hallucinations which has made her even more distrusting of the staff. Keri told Vex that she didn't belong in the hospital as she isn't ill like everyone else appears to be. That was when Vex decided to turn around and say she was suffering with paranoid psychosis and lacks insight into reality. That's not the way to tell a delusional person something like that! She's now gone into complete suspicious mode. Vex told her to try writing down her feelings so a couple of hours later she ended up handing in a page of doodles about what she was seeing and how she wanted to get the insect out and such. Whether anyone is going to speak to her about this or not I do not know.

The only thing that helped Keri today was her visitors; her Personal Advisor (PA) from social services and her old respite carers, T&D. All of them managed to get a smile out of her. T&D even managed several laughs! For a moment she forgot about her paranoid psychosis and actually laughed. Now she's back to sitting in her room wondering who she can even trust at the moment. Her section still hasn't been lifted and all she wants to do is climb over the fence (which she tried to do the other day). The problem is Sally would love to do this too and has about 8 times the strength Keri has which means she'd climb that fence like a cat. The down side to Keri being so skinny is she's about the only patient on the ward that can actually fit their fingers through the gaps in the wired fence to grip enough to climb it! 

Phew. I feel a little better now I've ranted all that out. Thanks blogger! And thanks to all the wonderful messages we've been getting through the DID page. The support has been amazing and it's very appreciated. :)

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 5

Written by Fox.

DAY 5 - 12th August

Keri felt the bug crawling in her head again this morning. She found a pen in the garden and snapped it into pieces and dug into her head to get it out but it didn't work. She ended up very distressed and sat with a member of staff for a while who gave her some Lorazepam. She'd only taken her morning medication an hour before that so clearly they weren't working! Luckily after the nurse sorted her wounds and had a chat, Keri was able to calm down, to the point of not having to pace round and round the garden!

Her psychotherapist was late for Keri's appointment but that's because she didn't know where to find her! Keri had a very constructive session. She was able to be open and honest and her psychotherapist not once tried arguing with her about her delusions and hallucinations. But she didn't agree to them either. For instance, Keri said that the five guys following her were standing on the hospital grounds outside the fence of the garden (the fences are green wiring about 8 feet high). Fiona didn't turn around and say "Well you're hallucinating", instead she said "That must be scary for you Keri." She didn't deny anything but she didn't encourage the delusions either, if that makes sense.

Her foster mum also visited which was nice as Keri was getting desperate to see her! She brought her some extra clothing etc along with a sense of humour which lightened Keri's spirits a bit, although inside she was a bit upset that she was going to be left in hospital for a week without being able to see her. Hopefully by the time they get back Keri will be a bit more logical and will be able to go home.

Keri had started to get cabin fever. She begged the nurses to take her out as she's only been given half an hour escorted leave so isn't allowed out on her own. The nurses said there weren't enough staff to take her out and she'd have to wait until tomorrow. Bare in mind Keri had actually been asking all day and each nurse said, wait for an hour, wait for an hour, wait for an hour. It wasn't surprising when it got to the point Keri had another outbreak of hysterical tears for an hour because she felt like a criminal who'd been locked in prison. Eventually the staff managed to calm her down and decided it would be best if one of them took Keri out. Why couldn't this have been done earlier? Does Keri crying for an hour really change the amount of staff available? What is this logic?!

She's started going to bed early now which is weird! Well, early to her is about midnight. Gives me a chance to write her blog, update her page and do all that stuff. None of us have come out directly to staff. We don't feel safe enough. If we're going to dissociate and let off steam it's likely to happen a lot during the sessions with her psychotherapist. Let's just say they could be quite fun-filled!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 3 & 4

Written by Fox.

DAY 3 - 10th August

Well that could've been a better night! Keri woke up at 3am and was hallucinating, pacing frantically around the garden and having visions of her foster carers being hurt for 2 and a half hours before the nurses gave her any Lorazepam to calm her down. Although once they'd finally done something instead of just watching it happen they did sit for about 10 minutes to chat about what had been going on until the extra medication kicked in. I suppose that was a good thing.

Overall quite a quiet day besides some of the patients kicking off. Keri has now requested a tribunal, which is where she sits in front of 8 people and explains why she should be off her section. Now, I know exactly what she's going to say and she thinks it's completely normal! First question, "What will you do if you were to leave here?" Her reply, "Same as before, there's nothing wrong with me." Good start! I'm feeling she's going to hit a very low point after that meeting, whenever it is. Plus it'll give Sally an excuse to go apeshit which isn't what we want!

No visitors today but Keri was exhausted anyway. Didn't stop her pacing round the garden though. Her iPad died as well and because the plugs hadn't been tested the nurses said they couldn't do it. They soon changed their minds when Keri started crying and they realised how strong a coping technique her music and comedy stuff was! They've marked it down as urgent so hopefully by Monday afternoon she'll have all her chargers!

DAY 4 - 11th August

Up by 4am, pacing until 5.30am and then sorted and dressed by 6. This is not normal! 

Keri had a fairly reasonable day although she's tired of the nurses telling her there's no insect in her brain. Her wrist is getting better where she was scratching it so much as the nurses are keeping dressings on it. Yet again, her day was mostly spent pacing around the garden or in her room with her headphones on almost constantly. I'm worrying that she's getting worse. She's still got two more days until her first ward round.

Her foster mum came to visit this evening and brought some extra stuff for her; including some trackies for me so I don't have to put up with leggings, and some chocolate for Clarissa. There are some cookies for me too but Clarissa is demanding I share them with her! Her foster mum is going to come again with some more stuff tomorrow, including cigarettes! As they're going on holiday on Tuesday it's better to be safe than sorry and have more stuff than needed than not having enough!

This evening we found out her tribunal probably won't be until the beginning of next week. By that point she will have had ward round on Tuesday and seen her psychiatrist anyway. I don't know whether her psych overseeing her care currently is going to be on the panel as I believe it's an independent thing, but considering it won't be until early next week (8/9 days away) he will probably have some input. Keri was told by the nurses her tribunal had to be within 14 days but apparently that's not true. You have to apply within 14 days and then they arrange it as soon as possible. Why are the nurses telling her wrong facts!? You tell me!

She still hasn't left the ward. She was going to earlier but decided against it as she keeps seeing the five guys following her (which of course are hallucinations but she can't see that point of view). Hopefully she'll get some sleep tonight and tomorrow will be better! Her therapist comes back tomorrow so Keri will be seeing her in the afternoon which will do her some good!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 1 & 2

Written by Fox.

DAY 1 - 8th August

Keri was sectioned after being assessed at home at 2am Wednesday morning. By the time it was 3am they'd already got her to the hospital using their escorted transport crap. Bearing in mind these doctors and social worker arrived at 1.30am, Keri was in her pyjamas. She wasn't even given the chance to get dressed. She had time to grab her iPod and cigarettes but that was it as the transport team were in a hurry to go.

On arrival, she was shown where her room was and then paced round and round the garden for a couple of hours as she was so agitated. A doctor saw her at about 5.30am, by which point she was still pacing round the garden. As Keri had already had all her night time medication, the doctor decided to give her some Lorazepam on the condition that Keri go to her room and try to sleep. Keri agreed and managed to get a couple of hours sleep before pacing around the garden again at 7.30am.

Most of the day involved her pacing around the garden constantly. She found it depressing that the nurses there treated her like an old friend (she was admitted in Nov - Dec 2012 and Jan - March 2013, both were voluntary). In some ways though she also felt comforted to know there were staff there that knew her and knew how to handle her. In addition to her usual meds she was also given some more Lorazepam later in the day while a doctor did all her obs which showed how anxious she was (pulse, blood pressure, ECG, temperature, resps etc). She was told that she was going to see the psychiatrist that morning as he is now the one who is responsible for discharging her. She never got to see him. 

Keri was getting more and more stressed out because she felt the insect scratching inside her brain again and needed to get it out. She started scratching at the skin on her wrist to make herself feel better. The problem is, she has long fingernails and it caused quite a bit of damage. What I found ridiculous is that a nurse (let's call her Cat) came into her room and saw what she was doing. At first she asked Keri to stop but Keri was feeling compelled to carry on which meant Cat had to hold both her wrists to stop her doing it. In the end, she let go and Keri started scratching again, by this point she was drawing blood.

Do you know what Cat did? She got up from beside Keri and said, "Right, I'm going to leave you to it for now as I'm not sitting here watching you do that." She actually walked out the room and let Keri carry on doing it! I found this outrageous! Cat later came back to check on Keri and brought with her Keri's 2nd dose of medication, more Diazepam. It was the midday dose but Cat decided to give it to her early. After this she was taken to the clinic room and Cat bandaged up Keri's wrist to see if it would stop her scratching at it. It worked. Her compulsion to keep digging her nails deeper and deeper calmed down and she continued with pacing round and round the garden.

Her foster mum visited early afternoon so she could finally get changed out of her pyjamas! Keri didn't think she was going to turn up. There are a lot of doubts in her mind at the moment as she still can't see the logic of her being sectioned in the first place. Even so, she told her foster mum that she didn't hate them (too strong a word) but she did slightly dislike them for wanting Keri to have a mental health act assessment. So she had clothes and toiletries! And cigarettes most importantly! She was really pleased to be able to sit down with her foster mum and chat on the garden. It was one of those moments where there was some comfort and things didn't go wrong again until afterwards, cabin fever I think!

 

The next time something went wrong was when she started hallucinating. Before being admitted she kept saying there were people outside the house. It was real to her but of course no one else could see them. She saw them outside her bedroom window in the hospital, banging at the glass and shouting at her. She ended up hiding on top of her wardrobe to stay safe. The staff were concerned and four of them came into her room when they found her on top of the wardrobe. By this point Keri had broken down into tears and was very upset. She still didn't understand why she was admitted and was desperate to be discharged. She was also crying over the fact her foster carers were going to be on holiday so she wouldn't have anywhere to go if she was discharged anyway. The staff sat with her for a while after some persuasion getting her down from the wardrobe.

Her day got even worse when Sally started trying to concoct escape plans. Luckily she didn't go through with them. Not yet anyway. She was given the same cocktail of medication and slept a bit better after working up a sleep debt. Even so she struggled to stay asleep for long. I've no idea how she is so wide awake with all the medication she's taking!

That night she slept a little better as they gave her extra Lorazepam again along with her Diazepam, Quetiapine, Mirtazapine and Zopiclone; even though she was up and dressed by about 4am!

DAY 2 - 9th August

Wow. Four visitors in one day! Keri's exhausted! First her foster mum visited with everything that wasn't the essentials, including what I asked for which was the iPad and Internet so I could update you guys! I don't want to abandon the page with so many supporters! She kindly bought Keri's laptop, a couple of things to put on her wall and, of course, her foster mum's special teddy. Keri was thrilled with this as it is basically her foster mum's way of saying "Keri, we're here for you no matter where you are and you've always got a home to come back to". Lovely isn't it? :) Unfortunately her plugs got taken away to be tested so the iPad is low on battery and so is her iPod! She's not happy! The nurses said it'll be done within 24 hours, way too long. 

The outreach worker from the fostering agency also visited about an hour or two after Keri's foster mum left, bringing Keri a strawberry milkshake from McDonald's! The best in the world according to Keri and her foster dad! She stayed for a couple of hours before disappearing off and promising to visit next week as Keri's foster parents are going on holiday to Turkey on Tuesday! 

Then, much to Keri's surprise when she heard the news from her foster mum that afternoon, her respite carers were coming to visit. These were the couple that Keri really bonded with and she was their first ever foster child. That's if you can call her a child as really she's a foster adult! But they also came bearing gifts for Keri; diet coke, sweets requested by Clarissa (my twin sister), iced coffee and for some reason a potted plant! Keri can hardly keep a goldfish alive let alone a plant. I reckon it'll be dead in a week! Because they knew Keri's foster parents were going on holiday they promised to come and visit during the week. The gratitude Keri felt about this was beyond words. She really likes those carers and is glad their relationship hasn't disappeared even at the point she's been sectioned.

She's just taken her final dose of medication and is still revved up but will hopefully calm down when they kick in. For the first time today, even though she's still psychotic, I heard her laugh several times. It was like music to my ears and it even made me feel happy to know there's so many people around her the love her, care for her and support her even in the dark times.

She was also given a leaflet today explaining her rights about being detained, about the fact she has to comply with any treatment and the expiry date of her section (unless of course the psychiatrist decides to put her on a section 3). Ridiculous as this should have been done on admission! She was told today that she wouldn't be seeing the psychiatrist in charge of her care until Tuesday as that's the day of her ward round. Bit crappy considering she came in early Wednesday morning! When she was voluntary she was seen the same day or the day after, no matter what day her ward round, yet because she's sectioned it seems to me that people think "Well, she can't legally leave for 28 days so we don't have to rush anything". So annoying! And it also got Keri quite down. She's feeling quite depressed now and very agitated, I want to see her smile tonight, even if it's only a small one!

So that's the first 2 days. The only dissociation that's been happening is me popping out secretly in Keri's bedroom! Although Keri has written on her whiteboard the three alters who are most likely to come out during her stay (me, Clarissa and Sally) and written some of our personality traits and also the signs to look out for to recognise us individually. Some of the nurses, especially Keri's favourite nurse (let's call her Lissy), are quite clued up when it comes to Keri dissociating and have met Sally and Clarissa quite openly, and also they've met me as I'm the one who normally attends any of her formal meetings.

Wow, a longer post than I'd hoped! But I hope you guys found it helpful. Let me know if I'm being too long-winded about the ins and outs of everything. Sometimes they'll be short posts, other times longer, depending on what's happened. There's a lot of complications when you combine D.I.D with psychosis!

Love to you guys!

Fox.

Possible Signs and Symptoms of DID

There are many symptoms across a broad spectrum that can be involved in someone with DID and often symptoms can be caused by co-morbid diagnoses. Here is a list of a few possible signs and symptoms. Please do not try and self-diagnose. A mental health diagnosis needs to be done by a professional.

- feeling like more than one person

- encountering people that you've never met but seem to know you, sometimes calling you a different name

- being called names that are unlike your own

- having memory lapses that are indicative of dissociation (significant life events e.g. birthdays or birth of a child)

- having blackouts (not recalling how you travelled to a certain place)

- finding items that are clearly yours but not recalling ownership or how the items got there in the first place

- hearing voices inside your head

- not recognising yourself in the mirror

- feeling unreal (derealisation)

- feeling like you are watching yourself move through life rather than living in it

These are only a few. Again, do not diagnose yourself. Dissociative disorders are complicated, especially DID. It usually takes years before a formal diagnosis is made.