Keri has 3 days to prove herself!

I’m not doing a really long post tonight as I’ve been out all week and I’m too exhausted to do much. I haven’t managed to convince Shadow of anything. They won’t believe Keri is psychotic but they’re at least open to letting me take a chance. I spent most of this week not knowing how long I’d be here or even what the plan was. It’s been horrible. This day to day stuff is crap. The socialising is good as it means I’m not isolated but it’s tiring. The fact I’m nocturnal means my sleep is still out of whack and I’ve barely had any this week which means, guess what, I’m tired. I’ve had to keep track of what medication needs picking up, what needs ordering, what appointments need sorting, where I need to be or need to go, what I need to buy, what housework needs doing, along with all the stuff to keep us alive and finding things to take back to Shadow. How am I supposed to be doing this all on my own? I might put in a request to Shadow that maybe 2 of us can be out next time and we can switch between the 2 of us so that it’s at least a little bit easier to deal with. I don’t know if Shadow will even listen to my request but the worst that will happen is they say no so it’s worth a shot at least.

The plan is for me to go back tomorrow evening just before our evening support is due. Keri will then be and be our host again. Obviously we’ll be keeping an eye on her and see what’s going on. If she’s the same or, heaven forbid, worse, then one of us (or hopefully 2 if Shadow allows it) will take over again on Wednesday night so that we can go to the appointment to see our care coordinator on Thursday to talk about everything. Considering switching in Keri’s experience is like blinking, I can’t see a miracle happening and her suddenly being better, but like I’ve said to one of the support workers, I’d love to be proven wrong on this occasion and I really hope I am. I don’t know what the answer to all of this is, whether it’s medication or therapy, or both, or just sitting and waiting. I’ve said time and again that I’m no expert. All I can do is say what is going on and hope the professionals can put the pieces together. I haven’t personally met our current care coordinator so I don’t know what he’s like with jigsaws! And whoever our current psychiatrist is, he’s got to be a lot better than the last one. He was a complete a-hole who wouldn’t even acknowledge my presence. I don’t get angry very often but he actually caused me to storm out of the room! I think that was a first!

My episodes where I can’t move at all have gotten worse. The longest this week has been about 5 hours. They’ve happened almost daily and 2 of them have happened with seemingly no trigger. I’m worried about what happens if this occurs in public. Is the support worker supposed to stay there for however many hours until I come out of it? Or literally carry me back to my flat? This is another thing Shadow is using against me. They’re saying that apparently it’s a sign that things are getting worse for all of us and my episodes are just the way it’s coming out for me. Personally, I think Shadow is just clutching at straws. I like objectivity and stuff but I think there’s such a thing as being too objective. Because of the fact most of us alters have been psychotic in the past and been so upset that we haven’t been listened to, I think Shadow really compensates for it and takes everyone’s word at face value. I do appreciate this in some ways as Shadow listened to me when I’ve had a bad psychotic episode before and I got a lot of comfort from it, but I don’t appreciate it when it’s being used against us as a collective! I know that the depression isn’t good. That’s something I can’t deny as my usual optimism is dampened. I just don’t want to start getting creepy weird symptoms like I have before. I think limiting the number of psychotic alters down to a minimum and nipping it in the bud before it spreads is a pretty good idea huh? Otherwise Shadow will be even more convinced and the rest of us will be too! I don’t want to have the same mindset as Keri! No way! Screw. That!

Tom is sulking with me. He’s very perceptive. If I’m out for a prolonged period and I know when I’m due to go back in, he’ll suddenly get very sulky the day before. It’s a bit upsetting but I think it’s because he thinks I’m abandoning him. How on earth do I explain to a gerbil that I’m not abandoning him? I’ve actually managed to contact a gerbil breeder who lives only 10 mins away! He has baby male gerbils for sale and I’m planning on getting 2 little friends to introduce to Tom! The original plan was to get one but Tom is 2 years old. I’m still clearly in the state of mind where I’m thinking about the future. It’s going to be heartbreaking when the time comes when Tom passes away. Hopefully it won’t be for a very long time! But if for some unforeseen reason, it’s within the next several months, then we’d have to go through the whole introduction process all over again for the new baby gerbil which will be upsetting for us and for the baby gerbil. The likelihood that the gerbils will get along with Tom (and vice versa) is very high, but there’s always a small chance that the introductions won’t go well which is why we have a spare tank just in case of an emergency if they do fight. If that’s the case then we’d end up with 2 gerbils separated and on their own! At least with 2 new babies, the tanks can be side by side and Tom will still be happily on his own but with 2 companions at least living next to him. And the 2 new brothers will be able to live together in their new home together. Everything is prepared for any scenario! The most upsetting part is going to be the actual week of introductions as they have to be on their own with minimal toys and bedding so that their sole focus is on each other in the split cage so they can bond. They can’t have playtime and they can’t be handled as otherwise our human scent will get mixed with their gerbil scents and it’ll confuse them. I play and snuggle with Tom several times a day when I’m here, especially while I’m temporary host, so it’s going to be horrible not being able to do that! It’ll be worth it in the end though. It’s the long-term I need to focus on, the loving little trio of gerbils! 

Like I said, not as long as I usually write, especially as I’ve been out for a whole week. I’ve also been journaling to be able to get my emotions out which has helped since my last post. I hope next time I post I’ll be sharing all this responsibility with someone else! Although whoever it is I’m hoping they’ll be responsible! If not, then I guess I’ll be handling things on my own again. At least I have things to look forward to and a lot of support to help me. I have a very good support network and if I can gather the courage to try taking our sleeping tablets then I might feel a better. I hate taking “take when needed” psychiatric medication. I can get my head around things like our asthma inhaler as that’s an emergency! If I can’t breathe then that’s ambulance material! But not sleeping? It wasn’t until I had a chat with our key worker this evening that I realised how important sleep actually is when it comes to the brain. She gave me an idea to try and sleep at about 6am until maybe an hour or so before support is due in the afternoon. Keri’s sleep is absolute crap so me getting some decent hours in on my own nocturnal schedule doesn’t really matter, as long as it’s at least a decent amount of hours! I love lying in the dark but I can never sleep. As soon as daylight hits? That’s when I start feeling like my eyelids weigh a ton!

Have a good week everyone! It’s just an update this week rather than an upbeat thing as I really can’t be bothered to put a massive amount of thought into it. I just want to lie down again and turn off the lights after double checking the dishes are washed. Next week I’ll hopefully have had a bit more sleep and be sharing more responsibility. Or, even better, Keri will actually be here properly and I’ll just be nipping out just to do my post! 

Good night!

Fox 🦊 

I’m The Temporary Host

Usually I say Happy Sunday but obviously instead it’s Happy Tuesday! I explained why I couldn’t post but I’m glad to say that I’m able to tonight. I need to wind down and do some writing so this is going to be some nice chill time for me. I think I need to dig out a journal while I’m the temporary host (from now I’m just going to say ‘TH’ instead of ‘temporary host’) as it’s a good outlet for me and this has been hard as hell considering it’s been only 2 days since I switched!

Like I said on Sunday, things were still getting worse last week and Keri just started refusing to see anyone entirely. By that point I was already a few days into an argument with Shadow into trying to get them to let me out temporarily to try and prove that Keri is psychotic and delusional which is why she’s managed to be so convincing to Shadow in her argument that suicide is the only answer to keep all of us safe. It took five days. Five. FIVE. It was stupid. I didn’t even think Shadow was going to agree but I wasn’t going to give up. I also didn’t know I was going to be here so suddenly. I knew about 20 mins beforehand before I was here and since then I’ve been thrown into the deep end to handle everything. It’s not what I had in mind. The last thing Shadow said to me was that I wasn’t going to convince them of anything and it was my time that I was wasting. I’d rather ‘waste’ my time rather than doom us all to a suicidal and psychotic host though. I think any rational person would. I know the littles are going to really hate the fact I’m not there but I spent that 20 mins warning wisely and made sure everything was sorted, especially the care of the littles! 

I only came out on Sunday afternoon but I feel like I’ve been out for a week. The main difference between me being the TH right now compared to other times is normally I can decide when to go back in. If I need to be here for a few days then I’m here for a few days, if it’s for a few weeks then it’s for a few weeks. When I feel it’s no longer necessary I find my door and go back in and Keri resumes as host and we go back to our usual switching. This time Shadow is in control. They decided that I was coming out and they decide when I’m going back in. They said I have at least a few days. That’s all I was given. Unless I can give Shadow a legitimate reason to be out longer, they’ll get me back in. I have no choice in the matter. It’s really grating at me! I feel like I need to get over a mountain when I only have time to walk over a small hill. I currently have no legitimate reason to give Shadow and I have no idea if I’m even going to be able to get one but I have been trying. The main plan is to try and at least get some doubt into Shadow that Keri is being fed with delusions and that the answer isn’t for all of us to die. If we can do that then Safety Duty is back on and if needed then all of us alters can start taking over to do things that need doing (those of us who are capable of doing so) or to intervene if necessary too! If it was the worst case scenario the only thing I’d have been able to do would be attempt to make Shadow doubt Keri. I’ve been able to do other things but I won’t even know about the first thing until Shadow decides I’ve been out here for long enough, or wants to chat to me to decide whether I actually have a decent reason to continue staying or not. Until then I have no contact with them so I can’t give them any feedback to see if it’ll cause any doubt! It’s very frustrating!

I spent an hour chatting to our key-worker on Sunday evening about what was going on and that I’m going to be here for at least a few days but I have no idea about the time scale but we hoped we could do something and sort out a plan in the mean time together. The biggest issue lately has been the psychotic symptoms which have then instigated a suicide plan and severe depressive symptoms. If we can work on the psychotic symptoms and at least get Keri to doubt her beliefs a little bit then we might have half a chance. While she’s completely convinced it’s all real, everything is screwed. Yesterday, our key worker rang our care coordinator, with me in the room. They had a chat and I heard some of our key worker’s side of the conversation but pretty much waited until afterwards besides typing some comments when I heard titbits. It’s a good sign that the majority of us other alters aren’t psychotic but our care coordinator wanted to hear my views. I emailed him. I did this straight after the key worker left and I felt like my brain was melting out of my ears. I hadn’t slept the previous night, Keri hadn’t slept the night before that, I was struggling to think and for some reason my eyes kept wanting to squint whenever I looked at light. It took me an hour to write the email to our care coordinator and in my eyes it was quite short and didn’t say nearly enough! He hasn’t replied yet but considering it was only yesterday afternoon I’m hoping it’s because he’s talking to a work colleague or our psychiatrist or something and not just twiddling his thumbs. It’s basically a discussion about medication (anti-psychotics) and therapy. We’ve restarted one of our antidepressants. It’s been nearly a week on the starting dose so the dose is being doubled in a couple of days back to the original dose and we go from there. Obviously I told our care coordinator that I know he’s not stupid and that right now I’m basically a sticking plaster to stop the risks escalating any further. I don’t mind being a sticking plaster. I just wish I had more control over the situation. Just knowing I could go back in whenever I wanted to would be a lot more reassuring. I’ve heard good things about our care coordinator so I’m hoping he lives up to his reputation but we’ll have to see. No one can say I haven’t tried! 

He and the psychiatrist saw Keri last week and she had a meltdown straight afterwards but at least she agreed to start taking the antidepressants again. She was already snapping at people by then and the meltdown days were getting very frequent. It wasn’t surprising that the appointment happened to fall on one of those days. I wasn’t impressed with the support worker choice though. Apparently it’s someone who’s not worked here long and doesn’t know much about Keri’s current symptoms. If I could’ve shouted when I spoke to our key worker on Sunday evening when we had a chat about that I would’ve done. I can’t say much else about the review besides what I’ve already said. I was a bit busy arguing with Shadow and that kind of took a bigger priority than listening in. I also know Keri was not feeling very open to talking. She’s been more interested lately in listening to the wall people and ignoring anyone she considers “untrustworthy” which basically consists of everyone. They’re pretty sneaky I have to admit, the voices I mean. I noticed that pretty early on when they started. They don’t ask her questions or say things that encourage her to shout or answer unless they really want to annoy her, so if you weren’t clued in to what’s going on, you’d just think she was zoning out and staring at a wall for no reason. Although there are times when there’s full on arguments in progress and anyone looking on can clearly see she’s talking to non-existent voices.

Monday evening brought me a migraine which our key worker thought was very likely stress induced from everything that’s been happening. I’ll admit, I was really freaked out. I’ve never been physically unwell. It’s one of my triggers and it really effects my mentally. If any other alter is unwell internally, I’m gone. If Keri is unwell externally, I’m gone. I have to be or I can’t cope and I’m out of action long after the physical illness is completely gone. The late afternoon started with my eyes going a bit strange. I was having some vision disturbances in my left eye and about 2 hours later I was squinting every time I looked at any light. I couldn’t understand why. I’ve never had a migraine because it’s mainly a pain-based illness and with my “shield” (for want of a better word) I haven’t felt pain like some people have before. But wow. By the time our key worker arrived in the evening and I needed to go to the supermarket to get milk and food, my heart was in my head. I actually felt pain. I could barely keep my eyes open. We weren’t shopping for long as I wanted to get home but my worker could see I was in pain and ended support early. I didn’t even know what to do with a migraine! She said to turn down the lights and to try lying down with my eyes closed and have something to drink. I also had a strong painkiller and used this weird stick. It’s like a chapstick you put on your lips but for your head. I got into some PJs and my designated PJ hoodie (yes, I have a hoodie to sleep in too!) and then I was sick. Psychologically that completely broke me and I went totally catatonic for a while. That’s what happens when I get above and beyond stressed. I don’t act out. It’s the opposite. I get a bit agitated, very anxious and then if it gets towards something like a meltdown equivalent to Keri, I totally shut down. I’m conscious but can’t move. We’ve caught what it looks like to other people on camera before at the flat and I’ve scared myself with that. It’s like something from a horror movie when you fast forward through it and nothing happens except the light slowly getting darker or lighter from outside and this figure just sitting, staring and not moving a muscle. If I felt the pain of that migraine come through my “shield” then I’d dread to think what the hell the full force of a migraine feels like. Now I know what people mean when they describe the pain of migraines. It’s not an exaggeration in the slightest. This migraine medication we take obviously can’t be working! Although with the stress going on I’m not surprised it happened. It could be the strongest medication in the world but it’s amazing what stress can do to the body.

I’m exhausted from writing all this so I have no idea how you feel if you’re still reading it all! I think because I’ve been out so long I just need to write! Even more of an excuse to get my journal out! Anyway, that brings us to today as I went to therapy. I’d met the support worker before when I’d been to therapy but not for the whole session. It was lovely! We went to a cafe. I had a cup of tea and a muffin. We had a chat. I wanted to dog nap an adorable dog but my support worker said it wasn’t allowed. But she was such an adorable dog! She lives in one of the houses near where we sat to wait for therapy and she was sunbathing on the wall! 

I went into the session very well prepared. I’d typed out what I’d wanted to talk about. I’d typed out alters, fragments, suggestions, things I wanted to do, tips I’d like, and I’d put a lot of thought into it all. For me, therapy is more than an hour a week. It starts the day before when you think about what you want to use the session for, what you need help with. Then you need the mindset. And the preparation I did needed a lot of psychological effort. It was emotionally and psychologically draining and tiring. She appreciated this though. She said that without me even having to. We’re going to start some work on some of the fragments. For those that don’t know, fragments are like alters but consider it in this analogy (it’s the simplest and best analogy I could think of that I used with a couple of the support workers):

Alters are puzzles. There’s lots of pieces that may include different emotions, different traits, different characteristics etc. Fragments are a piece of a puzzle. They’re usually one emotion, or one trait or characteristic that remains the same, and often hold one or only a small number of memories.

We’re going to work on trying to integrate some of the fragments but it’s likely to be slow, draining and emotional. But, it’s a healing process, and it’s something that me and the other alters have been thinking about for a long time. It’ll reduce a lot of the chaos but obviously it’s not that simple. And for those that don’t know, the word “integrate” does NOT mean that a fragment/alter is simply killed or gotten rid of. They’re merged with another, or with the host, or with the original etc. Nothing is ERASED. It’s INTEGRATED. Healing isn’t linear and sometimes it gets worse before it gets better but it’s still moving forward. Keri may be suicidal and not looking at any form of a future but that doesn’t mean I’m going to start planning my fucking funeral (scuse the french)! I’m actually sabotaging things as much as possible. I don’t know Keri’s full plan (part of Shadow’s damn deal) but I know she’s been needing to save money for something for it. I decided, well, could this delay things? Yes? I went onto Apple and bought a new phone, then I bought a case and tempered glass for it. Hey, if I’m going to sabotage her plans I may as well do something worthwhile on something I’m going to enjoy while I’m TH! Plus, if my plan succeeds and we can get Keri thinking about her future again then it’ll be something she’ll enjoy too! It’s a win-win! Actually, it’s a win-win-win! 😄

And on the last note, Tom is so much better! Keri refused to take him to the vet and wouldn’t even touch him, plus her violent thoughts towards him were getting stronger and more frequent. We hadn’t actually realised how strong her delusion had gotten. Nat and me even had to have a serious chat on whether we should get him rehomed because she wasn’t even seeking him vet help. Luckily, we were checking him regularly. Two days after I first noticed the occasional clicking and chirping noises, Nat checked on him just as a usual thing but saw straight away something was very wrong, was straight on the phone to the vet, and within half an hour she had him at the vet. The poor guy didn’t even want to move! Nat said he was really struggling. He was prescribed antibiotics (which he finishes tomorrow) as he has a respiratory infection like I thought. The vet told Nat that he’d need a chest X-ray if he didn’t improved as she was concerned about the infection combined with his weight loss (and she knew about Ian passing away). Thank goodness he’s gotten better! He’s running around again, causing all sorts of mischief, begging for treats, getting inside my hoodie: the usual stuff! I’m hoping that while I’m TH I can get Tom a companion finally but the problem is, until I have more of an understanding with Shadow, there’s no guarantee of me being here. I could arrange on Wednesday evening to pick up a gerbil on Thursday afternoon only to find out Thursday morning that I’m being dragged back in with a 5 min warning! I can’t exactly make plans. I can with support workers as they understand about the switching and I’ve explained about Shadow, and our foster family understands last minute changes too. But anyone else and it starts getting very complicated. I mean what is Keri supposed to say? “Oh, sorry, I’m cancelling because I have no idea what you’re talking about as I’ve been gone for days, have no idea what’s been going on, and now I’m having a meltdown”. Although you’d have to translate that into Keri-language which would make a lot less sense. Would that make any sense to the average person? I don’t know exactly how she’s going to react when she’s back but I don’t imagine she’s going to react positively, and considering how she was just before I came out, I can’t imagine it’s just going to be a simple “oh dear” either.

Right. That’s it. I’m going to go and try and dig out a diary as this amount of writing is getting a bit ridiculous. If I did this every night I’d get bored of reading myself I think. Although I can’t say I’ve ever spent time reading my weekly blog as I know what it says! For all I know, by the time I write to you guys on Sunday I could still be here, I guess it all depends on what happens. For now I’m hoping I can go to the community centre tomorrow. I’m not setting my sights on anything just in case but that doesn’t mean I can’t keep my fingers crossed and remain hopeful! I will remain vigilant on my emails too but knowing the caseloads of a mental health team... that’s something I’m a little bit less hopeful about. Only a little bit though of course! I’m still smiling! As everyone whose seen me over the last couple of days can tell you! And I still have my mischievous streak. I am just very tired which is understandable.

Have a good rest of the week everyone! Take care of yourselves! If I’ve learned anything over the last couple of days it’s that you really need to take some time to chill when you need to even if it means saying ‘no’ to someone. Even if it’s just an hour with a cup of tea, a DVD, and a blanket!

My mantra for this week: Next week will be better, next week will be better, next week will be better! 😊

Fox 🦊 

Postponing My Post For 1-2 Days

Happy Sunday evening everyone!

I’m not doing a proper post this evening as I’m postponing it for 1-2 days. Because of the fact I’ve been regularly updating every Sunday I thought I’d write a post to say so as I usually get messages from people on Monday about my Sunday post so a lot of people read it very soon after it’s posted!

I’m now the temporary host and will be for at least a few days. Me and our key worker are going to ring our care coordinator tomorrow to discuss some medication issues. Keri’s mental health is still getting worse and she’s now completely refusing to see any support workers as she thinks they’re all spies and she’s being hunted. Don’t ask. Like I said in my last post, I’ve stopped trying to get my head around any of it. If our care coordinator sorts something out then I’ll likely be out for a lot longer than a few days but we’ll have to see. I spent days arguing with Shadow to get consecutive days out to try and help this whole situation and I obviously succeeded but it’s taken a lot of persuasion!

Considering I only came out this afternoon, I’ve got a lot to do. I’m going to be going to our therapy session on Tuesday as I’ll still be here and I’ve already text our therapist to let her know in advance. But I need to sort this place out! The flat is a mess but I’ve already started trying to tidy it. I’m also trying to get some personal hygiene sorted, see if we can get some sleep (although this is going to be the hardest on my list because of the fact I’m naturally nocturnal), work with the support workers and our mental health team, get this whole lot of mess sorted out, plus do the day to day stuff, along with a list of other things that seems so long that I don’t even want to think about it!

So, like I said, my post is going to be postponed for a couple of days just while I get my balance and get on my feet. I’m used to coming in and out for a couple of hours but it’s a whole different situation when I know I’m going to have to deal with all the day to day stuff. I think I can actually do the post tomorrow night as by then I should have settled into the swing of things but I want to say a couple of days just to be on the safe side.

Speak to you tomorrow everyone! Or the day after! I won’t be online much until tomorrow evening but I’ll have my phone. Obviously I can’t take calls but I can text. Online messages probably won’t be answered until early evening as I have day to day things to do. The lovely boring stuff that a 15 year old really shouldn’t have to be doing!

Good night and I’m sorry for the 24-48 hour delay, and obviously I’ll go into actual reasons and detail in my post when I write it. Have a chilled out evening everyone. I definitely plan to! 🙂

Fox 🦊

“Endowed with being chosen...”

It’s been another week but it’s felt like a lot longer than that. I hope you’ve had a better week than we have! Not a lot of positive things have happened this week but I’m going to start with those anyway as I always at least try and find something good to say even if everything looks very bleak!

There’s still no baby male gerbils for sale at present but the split cage and everything is ready. The only thing missing is Tom’s new friend! I put a notice on Tom’s Instagram account several days ago and on our main account as well to spread the word a bit for when a new litter is ready and some of our gerbil friends have spread the word as well which has been very kind of them. I think Tom has a respiratory infection though as he’s making clicking sounds when he’s breathing which is concerning. I only heard this tonight when we had cuddles so I’ve left a note for Keri as I can’t be around constantly. Due to this demon, Keri hasn’t touched Tom for months but I’ve tried to be as persuasive as possible in the note to get her to take him to the vet and to hold him. I’ve included this in the text I’ve also sent our key worker as well so that should help. This should be a positive thing in some ways as even though Tom is ill, it’ll mean that Keri will hold Tom for the 1st time, despite it being in not great circumstances! It could also mean that things will be delayed (the whole suicide thing I mean) as if Tom is put on antibiotics and has to get better than he’ll need a bit more time alone as an infection can be, well, infectious! We don’t want a new friend catching a disease straight away! Due to the fact I only found this out tonight maybe it’s a good thing there’s no male gerbils right at this moment. It could be fate.

Even though the situation with Shadow is quite restricting, at least the opportunity is still here for a couple of us to be around. Most of the time I’m only able to be out in the evenings and for the last couple of days it’s only been in the very early hours of the morning when we wake up out of nowhere. At least it gives me a chance to do my own thing. Tonight for example I can text our key worker. She’ll be asleep now but she’ll see it when she wakes up in the morning. I’m not dying or anything so I don’t want to wake her up for no reason. I can’t say I’m around at the most sociable hours at the moment but I’m focusing more on the fact that at least I’m still able to be around! Keri is also still taking her medication. Although the medication she’s on is mainly her physical health medication now. She’s on benzodiazepines because of her anxiety but there seems to have been a mix up with other stuff. I’ll get to that as that’s not a positive part! What else? We’re still alive! That’s got to be the most positive! I think the last thing is that Keri actually went to see our care coordinator this week and he managed to persuade her to go to the psychiatric review next week. I’m not sure how it’s going to go and I’m not even sure what support worker is going to be going with Keri but the point is that it’s going to happen! I’m relieved of that at least. One of the things I’ve text our key worker about is asking who on earth is actually going to go as I’ve got concerns over the appointment considering Keri’s complete denial about what’s going on. My optimism will shine through as much as possible!

Well, as much as I hate to say it, this week has been worse than others. Each week that goes by seems to be getting gradually more downhill and it’s really concerning me. Keri has refused all of her support this week with only 2 exceptions. She saw a support worker on Wednesday purely because she had an appointment with our care coordinator and can’t go alone due to her agoraphobia. And she had about 15 minutes this evening, again out of necessity, because she had to get our key worker to open the safe to get out some medication so our dosette box could be sorted. She won’t go within arm’s length of anyone, she’s not visiting any friends and family, she’s refusing to let anyone come and visit her at her flat (even though some of her family have offered), and all because of the demon thing and her paranoia. She doesn’t think she even needs to speak to any of the support workers as she’s convinced they know every move she’s making because she “knows” the cameras/microphones can’t just be “in mirrors”. She thinks people are going through her things too and are trying to hunt her down as she thinks people are going to take her to a lab because of her “powers” and she’d “rather be dead than a lab rat”. David and Mary asked her why she thought people would spend so much time surveilling her and she said it was because she’s one of the special few who are “endowed with being chosen by the wall people and a demon” and that “people want to know so they can take the power as their own”. WHAT ON EARTH? For the last couple of weeks I’ve stopped trying to get my head around her thoughts. It took several weeks for me to realise that there’s no point in me trying to understand why she’s thinking the way she is as it’s completely irrational and there is no rationality behind it. Me trying to understand all of the concepts going on inside Keri’s brain right now would be like me trying to sit here and convince you all that the earth is flat when we all know it’s not (unless you’re one of the select few who believe it still is despite being faced with all of the irrefutable scientific facts, which in my opinion isn’t rational). Also, sometimes when we’re trying to understand what Keri is saying, it’s a bit like trying to translate a 2 year old learning to talk with sounds. Combine the communication along with these weird ideas and thoughts and it really does get hard to wrap my head around it.

I’m very glad that our care coordinator managed to persuade Keri to go to the review next week with the psychiatrist. We found out that there’s been a mix up with the antidepressants. Before Keri had her alcohol relapse she was taking all her psychiatric medication, amongst which included 2 anti-depressants. It wasn’t until the appointment this week that we realised she still isn’t weaned back onto one of them. Apparently a prescription was sent to the doctor but Keri has no idea what’s going anymore, with anything let alone medication. I had a chat with Nat, David and Mary but they didn’t know anything either. We knew that the plan was to wean Keri onto a lower dose so that it could be put back up but that we didn’t have the lower dose tablets. I hadn’t known anything about that since. I haven’t personally met our psychiatrist but I’m hoping he’s perceptive. You only have to take one look at Keri to see that she’s extremely depressed. And once you get her talking, then you start to realise how unwell she is. She’s still banning the word “psychotic” which our care coordinator used in the appointment but quickly stopped using. Because Keri really has no doubt about anything she’s really lashing out now at anyone who starts suggesting it’s “in her brain”. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen her change so quickly. It’s not switching, it’s more like mood swings. Although it’s not really mood swings either. It’s more getting extremely upset and angry if someone says something that sets her off and then a couple of minutes later she’ll be back to her muted, depressed, flat state. Her laughter is gone. I just want to hear her laugh again. On a normal day (what feels like a very long time ago now), she’s sarcastic in every other sentence she says and loves making people laugh and seeing people smile. And people that know her personally will know that the sarcasm I’m talking about is not even close to an exaggeration! She’s not even her anymore. It’s like she’s not even here, like she feels like she doesn’t deserve to exist. It’s horrible to see and I don’t even know how our foster family coped with it at home. Sometimes I want to slap her in the face just to see if she’ll actually react although I can’t physically do that or I’d be quite tempted! She’s made ONE slightly humoured comment in a whole week which brought on a faint smile which was barely even genuine. 

Our insomnia is totally messed up. I don’t know why it’s suddenly got so much worse but for the last 4 nights we’ve tried winding down, fallen asleep to a guided meditation thing (which me and a couple of other alters downloaded onto the phone) and then woken up out of nowhere less than an hour later. It’s not even waking up wide awake because of a nightmare. It’s waking up exhausted, not being able to sleep any longer but barely wanting to move. I actually prefer it when we barely sleep but at least feel awake enough to play a game or watch something on Netflix. I’m starting to wonder if Tom is picking up on the ‘vibes’. He’s sleeping a lot more than usual and doesn’t want as many snuggles. He still wants them but he spends more of the day asleep. I’ve seen him like this before once but it was a long time ago and it was like he was getting depressed at the same rate as we were. I say “we” because when it’s severe with Keri it can really effect the rest of us. I still have my usual optimism but I can still feel the depression. I’m not sure if that makes sense. It’s a bit like vines spreading over a house that aren’t trimmed. They start creeping slowly and seeping through all the cracks, like depression, when it comes to it seriously effecting the host and then it starting to spread to other alters.

We aren’t going to be choosing another host. We aren’t even capable of doing so now because of Shadow but after I had a long chat with our key worker the other week we realised that each time we replaced ‘Keri’ there were certain symptoms that seemed to get progressively worse. If we can get Keri better (or at least thinking about our future again) then we’ll be trying to get the previous “Keri’s” into therapy. The current host Keri is number 4. We had to replace Keri 3 times because of an extremely severe abusive experience that was out of the ordinary to the usual abuse (age 4, age 8 and age 14) so if we can get those Keri’s into therapy and integrate them together that would be an amazing start. There’s a reason Shadow is like a signal blocker. The other 3 Keri’s are totally hidden. No one knows where they are. Host Keri didn’t even know she wasn’t the birth Keri until she was 22. It would be completely impractical for the Keri that was born to be the host as she’s 4 years old so integrating them would be good. But to do that we need host Keri engaging, clear-headed, no longer suicidal or psychotic, and back to her usual self! And of course, calling off Shadow so that us alters are back to normal. That’s not going to happen overnight though. All I can think though is there’s a reason our psychiatrist and care coordinator are in the roles they are; they must have dealt with people before like Keri who can’t see what’s really going on and can hopefully convince her that they have her best interests at heart. Although with her paranoia and self esteem right now, even with my optimism, I don’t know how that’s possible. I can safely say I’m not trained in mental health though so I can leave it in the hands in the professionals and, in my experience, they know what they’re doing. I’ve obviously met notable exceptions to this who have no clue whatsoever and I have no idea how on earth they’ve survived working in mental health but thankfully those occasions have been very few and far between. 

We’re trying to encourage Keri to at least keep up some of her fluids. She’s not eating. It’s not to do with calories or her eating disorder right now, it’s more that she just really doesn’t care. Although I did feel a very slight bump in her depression when she weighed herself for the 1st time this morning in 2 weeks. I’m assuming that means she’s lost a “good” amount of weight otherwise I wouldn’t have felt that little bump. I heard her briefly think this evening that the bonus to feeling crappy was that she had no desire to eat so that when she died she’d be even skinnier and look even better. Is it me or does that sound extremely twisted? I’ve never suffered with an eating disorder or with any prolonged severe depression so I can’t relate at all. If I’m presented with a home cooked meal I’ll tuck in like it’s my last meal on earth as I don’t know when I’ll next get such a good meal again! If our mental health team and support workers can do something and Shadow withdraws a bit then I’m going to start having to draw out some of our alters with some culinary prowess! I don’t mind doing the dishes if one of them can do a lovely meal for me! That would be a great scheme. I think I’ll keep my mind focused on that as something to look forward to as I’m putting some serious faith in the external people around Keri here although I’m struggling with that considering the support refusal from Keri right now and the fact most of us can’t switch at the right time to see the staff when available! If we all die because of this not being sorted then I’m not going to be the only alter doing some serious haunting! I’m sorry, that was a bit of dark humour but that was a bit of my cheeky and mischievous side coming out!

I hope you all have a good week and please keep your fingers crossed for us too, especially for the review. 

Fox 🦊  

I Finally Went to the Community Centre!

Happy Sunday! It’s the end of another week and I hope you guys have had a good one. I’ve had a lot of messages addressed to me on our Instagram and if you’re reading this and you’re one of the few I haven’t replied to then it’s because Shadow (the alter I spoke about in my last post) is seriously complicating things so I don’t have as much time to reply as I normally do! I’ll get to that at some point in the post!

It’s October now so the weather is getting colder and colder. It’s also the season for colds, flu and other gross snotty diseases! This means that Keri is seriously considering just point blank refusing to see people. Our care coordinator had to go off sick this week and, obviously, Keri thinks that the ‘demon’ has infected him. The only way she’s even accepting support right now is if staff stay at arms length at all times. She’s not even going to see our care coordinator unless he agrees to the condition they stay at opposite sides of the room to each other. This is getting ridiculous. It’s gone from people only being effected by physical contact to now just being near her. I know our key worker is really on the ball with everything and she’ll be going with Keri to see our psychiatrist, that’s if Keri actually goes. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to be there at the time but I guess I’ll find out when it gets to that point.

I was talking about Shadow last week and how Keri has been spending a while trying to get them on her side. She’s getting closer and I’m getting very angry! Shadow has now blocked most of us out and only 2 of us can be aware of what’s going on at any one time. Keri is only aware of ONE or 2 though as whenever I’m around I don’t talk so she just assumes there’s only one alter around at that time! If we aren’t one of the select couple that are aware of what’s going on, we can’t switch! Thankfully at least one of us leaders are aware at all times, if not two of us at the same time. We can’t even talk to Shadow as they’ve blocked everyone to them except Keri. I mean, for God’s sake! I don’t know what lies Keri has been feeding them but it seems to be working! I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it doesn’t escalate to the point of none of us being able to know what’s happening. I’m glad that she’s not having to cope with us arguing combined with the voices she’s hearing but not at all glad that it means our switching is limited. Ironically, the switching is more frequent and for longer, but I think that’s because when we actually get the chance to see what’s going on, it feels like we’ve been cooped up too much and need some time out doing what we want! There’s still no baby male gerbils but Keri is sorting out the split for the tank for whenever a friend is available. I’m not in argument with this as Tom does need a friend. I just have a big issue with what happens afterwards.

I got to go to the community centre this week! It’s about time too! Our usual Wednesday afternoon support worker was actually available this time as a lot of times she’s training or has meetings (or as Keri sees it “off because she’s been contaminated or died”, can I roll my eyes via written words here please?). Me and Keri arranged that she’d go with our support worker to the centre and also come back with her but for the majority of the time I’d be out doing stuff and getting to know the staff and other clients. Our support worker kindly made Keri a coffee when we were there but because I was half out already she had a craving for my tea and two sugars! I fully came out a few minutes later and pulled up my hood. Our support worker didn’t realise until I started writing. She hasn’t personally met me before and I only know her from seeing Keri with her. I had a look around the centre and chatted with our support worker (obviously by writing in my notebook). They didn’t have any diamond paintings which sucked but I helped with a big piece of paper people were working on about grounding techniques. I also borrowed a Roald Dahl book as I haven’t read for a long time. I might be mature and an old soul but at heart I’m still a young teenager who enjoys being cheeky and having my childish moments. I didn’t have a childhood so I like the moments when I can actually have fun with people. I also explored the garden there with another support worker while ours went off to do something. I have to admit, I really wanted to do some gardening! That garden looks like it’s close to being dead! I was a bit awkward at first as I knew everyone there was female. I may physically look like an adult female but I’m not. No one treated me any differently. No one ignored me and incessantly called me the wrong name. No one got awkward; which can happen because some people get unusually weird about being around someone who’s mute. I got to actually socialise with REAL people! As much as I enjoy chatting to people online, there’s a big difference between that and actually being physically around people. I’m sure I’ve said it before but just because I’m mute doesn’t mean I don’t like being around people. I like listening, even if I don’t contribute much to the conversation. I feel included even if I’m not talking! There was only two other clients there when I went, along with 3 members of staff (including our one). I don’t like not being able to personify our support workers as they are lovely, but I don’t like sharing names etc on my blog as this is the internet after all! Either way, I’m hoping I can go to the community centre again soon, even if I have to take my own diamond painting kit!

I also spent an hour or so with our key-worker at the beginning of the week as we had to have a chat about Keri. I also spoke to her about Shadow. She’s in the loop so I don’t have to explain very much when I’m with her. We agree with each other that things are getting very complicated. That’s when she clarified that she’ll be going to the psychiatrist review with Keri. We had a chat about medication which I think is a good idea. It’s very clear by this point that all of Keri’s symptoms (the paranoia, the delusion, the hallucinations, the writing/speech issues etc) aren’t just a ‘phase’ and she’s having a psychotic episode. I had to try and remember what medication Keri was put on when she last had a very severe episode that lasted a long time. It was when she was sectioned for that admission she had that lasted over 4 years. She initially got admitted as she was very ill and had paranoid psychosis (I say initially as other things cropped up along the way and she wasn’t kept for years purely because she spent all those years psychotic!). While living with our foster parents she got increasingly unwell as some time went on. She was convinced she was being stalked and that she had a bug crawling inside her skull. She tried all sorts to get it out. She even tried to get her foster dad’s power drill so she could bore a hole through her skull to get the bug out. Understandably, her foster parents had to get Keri an emergency mental health act assessment and so that began. She was put on additional medication but because there were so many I don’t know what did what! I know the antipsychotics she was on eventually helped with her delusions but there was a massive issue with one of the side effects. Considering Keri has a serious eating disorder, and has done for 10 years, the antipsychotic she was placed on caused weight gain and it had to be changed as she really freaked out about that. I think she’s been on about 5-6 different ones so I have no idea which one actually maintained her sanity. I’m sure there’s a better way to phrase that but who cares. Even so, our psychiatrist will have access to all her records. I think NHS records date back 10 years or so. I could be totally wrong about that and just be getting it confused with social services’ records but even so, he’ll be able to find out and see all of her notes. 

I know Keri is dead set against antipsychotics right now as she won’t listen as soon as someone even suggests them (she doesn’t think she’s ill at all). She’s banned the word “psychotic” from her flat as so many people have said it and she’s very angry because of the fact she thinks everything is completely real and hates when people say “it’s her brain”. She needs to hear it though. She can’t be forced to take medication but if she refuses then I want one of you to travel over here and punch her in the face please! Can I insert my angelic face here? I’m not actually sure if I have an angelic expression but that’s getting off topic. Oops. Anyway, Keri doesn’t even realise she’s rhyming when she talks and gets very confused when people point it out to her. At least she’s not stuttering as much so she is speaking more clearly. It’s more the fact she’s using words that aren’t relevant to each other besides the fact they sound the same. Oh well. I have hopes things will start getting sorted. If the demon and voices can be sorted then we all have a better shot at convincing Keri she doesn’t need to kill us all (aka herself) to “protect everyone else around her from the demon”. I’ll admit, even I get drained and exhausted from the wall people she’s hearing and I’m only hearing it from a 3rd person point of view! Or would it be a 2nd person... Either way, I only hear them through Keri, not from my own personal experience.

We’ve entered Tom into a gerbil competition. People vote for the cutest rodent and we see who wins. Most times there’s a little giveaway but this one is just for fun. Tom is very photogenic so I think he’ll get far! It’s always cute having a look at all the other photos that have been submitted but clearly I’ll be voting for Tom, like I’m sure other alters will, and everyone else who sees those big eyes! Speaking of which, those big brown eyes are staring at me again. I never make any noise, how does he even know when I’m here? He was sleeping when I initially came out. Maybe it’s because I’m not shouting or talking in rhymes at the walls! We have a good bond! Although, I haven’t heard anyone yet who hasn’t fallen in love the moment they meet him!

I’m still keeping our main Instagram updated when I can but it’ll also be down to some of the other alters as the blocking issue means I can’t linger around constantly and nip in and out for short periods like I usually do. I’m also the main one who keeps Tom’s Instagram (hopefully soon Tom and his baby friend!) updated although some other alters do too which can get confusing when I’m trying to reply to comments that I haven’t initiated! Either way I’m still going to try doing all of that, along with keeping my blog updated and replying to any messages directed to me. And of course, take care of us by eating, helping look after Tom, general stuff, and time to myself! If I can fit all that into my now limited time then I think I’ll deserve a medal although for now I think making myself a cup of tea will do 😀

Have a good week everyone and I hope we do to! Before I do anything else, I’m going to reply to those of you I haven’t replied to yet otherwise I’d be being just plain rude 🙂 Good night!

Fox 🦊