Sectioned in Hospital - Day 113, 114 & 115

Written by Fox.

DAY 113, 114 & 115 - 28th, 29th & 30th November, Thursday, Friday & Saturday

I went to visit Alder Unit with our psychotherapist on Thursday! It seems a very nice place. I wanted to see it for myself so the psychotherapist was kind enough to arrange that she could take me over, and also introduce me to the staff so they knew who I was. Most of the time we were with a guy called Matt who seemed really down to earth and was quick to cotton on to the fact I didn't talk. It was nice having the psychotherapist there as she could explain things a lot quicker than me having to write it all down. All in all I think we will like it in that unit, but it could cause some problems with the sudden freedom.

Keri didn't get up until 2pm on Friday. Even when the physio came in and tried getting Keri to do her exercises! She still refused to move. She gave the shock machine (whatever it's called) to the physio as the battery was running low. According to her it was working fine, bearing in mind it had been sat on Keri's bedside table all night. Fifteen minutes after Keri had put it on for the day and the battery thing started flashing again so she ended up buying some more batteries. She's keeping the receipt so she can get reimbursed after seeing how expensive the batteries were!

Keri had her psychotherapy session on Friday even though it was planned that I was going to attend. The truth was, we were all way too tired. Sally sucks all the energy out of us when she's going to do something and the rest of us are just left feeling like vegetables. The psychotherapist explained my alter map to Keri. I'd drawn out a map of our alters (Keri didn't even know about most of them) and Keri had seen it but not understood it. She explained what I'd done and what we'd spoken about when I'd had appointments with her. Keri was still confused by the end of it but it was explained as well as it could have been!

She didn't risk any unescorted leave yesterday as Sally was very restless and Keri was scared about what might happen if she went out. She asked the staff if she could have escorted leave to the supermarket (she's only allowed ground leave on her own anyway). The nurse said she was taking another patient out and that she could come along if she wanted. It was planned that one nurse was going to take both Keri and the other patient but it was later decided before leaving that another nurse should go because of Keri's risk level. It's a bit silly as she's moving to Alder Unit soon.

That night was bad! Keri had all her medication, and her sleeping medication, and by 4.30am she was still pacing and unsettled so she ended up being given some Lorazepam. That didn't work either! So she's had no sleep besides the point when she quite literally collapsed on her floor at around 10am. The staff were unable to give her any medication as she was out for the count! She woke up in the recovery position a few hours later but I've no idea whether the staff did that or whether Keri did it subconsciously.

So this afternoon Sally decided to screw us all over. I did wonder what she was going to do as we'd all felt so drained. She decided to cut open Keri's wrist again except she took it a step too far. She needed 16 stitches just for one cut, each having to be doubled over because of the depth. Keri was very lucky to find the cut when she did. Given the chance Sally would've cut it deeper and would've likely hit some serious blood vessels or a vein etc.

While at the hospital the nurse who escorted her said she was lucky she hadn't been moved to ECH. Apparently due to Keri's self harm there had been much discussion about it, especially due to the length of time we've been sectioned. For those that don't know, ECH is the secure female ward for patients that are deemed too dangerous to be in an average acute ward. You can't have pens, CDs, headphones, anything electronic, you're constantly on 5 minute observation, you're confined to the ward and the garden is kept locked until the patients are allowed to smoke every hour, plus there are alarms covering all the fences so even if a patient touches one the alarms go off, the fences are also ten feet tall rather than on Lime Unit where they're only about eight feet. We found out that the only reason she hadn't been moved is because most of her coping techniques would've been removed. She wouldn't be allowed her laptop for movies, she wouldn't be able to have her phone to text or chat, she wouldn't be allowed her iPad for games, she wouldn't be allowed her internet, she wouldn't be able to write due to the fact she wouldn't be allowed a pen, and she wouldn't have her iPod which she uses when the voices she hears (including us talking inside) are getting too loud for her to bare. That was a massive shock to me when I heard it, especially as they're moving her to the rehab ward! The nurse even said "If this carries on then we'll be seeing you again, if you're not put on ECH". Reassuring huh?

I doubt Keri will sleep much tonight but here's hoping! She's just had her evening medication and is likely to go and sit in the communal area for a while. She's taken off her shock machine now so hopefully she can cope otherwise she's going to end up in another medication induced coma...

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 112 (16 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 112 (16 weeks) - 27th November, Wednesday

Keri had a rude awakening by Creepy today who was deliberately trying to annoy Keri. Thankfully her door was locked, Creepy couldn't get in and she quickly got bored with banging on Keri's door and walked off. Even so, Keri got up ten minutes later to have her medication and a few cigarettes. She was feeling quite heavily sedated though so went back to bed at midday to see if a nap would wake her up a bit afterwards.

She was then woken by the physiotherapist. Keri did her ankle exercises while lying on her bed so she had a chance to wake up. The physio had also brought down a tens machine and said that "shock treatment" for Keri's self harm may work. There are 8 different levels of voltage. Keri's been told she has to keep it on a 4 constantly while she's awake, and if she feels bad to increase the voltage. It got to a point where Keri actually got all the way up to eight! It worked though. Her muscles in her arms were cramping painfully, similar to the experience she had when she reacted badly to Haloperidol. Afterwards she felt temporarily better and the voltage went back down to 4. It's leaving no scarring, doing no damage and has stopped Keri needing stitches today. All in all I think her "shock treatment" should've been done years ago! She keeps the machine on all day and the physio told her only to take it off when she was going to bed, just unplugging the wires from the electrodes on both her arms and reconnecting them in the morning.

Keri met with Sye, the manager of Alder Unit today. He said yesterday that he'd meet up for a cup of tea so he walked Keri to Tesco and they sat down while she had a bottle of coke. It was soon obvious that it wasn't just a casual drink and Sye was actually assessing her to see what she was like out in the open. He was quick to catch on to Keri's paranoia, and to the fact she has way too much expertise on calories and food, and that she's agoraphobic because he saw her turning up the level on her tens machine after they'd sat down. She was able to put it back down to 4 when she got outside and was able to smoke. Sye was very interested in questioning Keri on things and has already been told a lot about her, especially in regards to Sally. He's also happy for Keri's foster dad to put her TV up on her bedroom wall when she moves in as it's a long term placement.

And then after this she went on unescorted ground leave! She managed twenty minutes this time because half way through she increased the amount of shocks she was getting again which calmed her down a lot. This evening she's had to up the voltage quite a lot because of the agitation. She gets very anxious at night, even with all the medication. But the shocks actually managed to keep her calm enough to not need additional Lorazepam with her sleeping medication. She's even planning to go to bed earlier! Whether that works or not is another thing! Let's stay hopeful. Everyone knows Sally will screw us all over multiple times in the next couple of months so everyone is prepared. Keri won't get kicked out of Alder due to extreme behaviour due to her dissociation and Keri gets along with Sye very well and he seems to understand the extent of her illnesses, especially the horror of losing time and not knowing where she's been, what she's done, or finding herself on the floor being restrained by police. It's not a pleasant experience for any of us!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 111

Written by Fox.

DAY 111 - 26th November, Tuesday

Keri refused to get out of bed until the afternoon again even with the staff coming in repeatedly trying to encourage her to get up. By the time she got up she hadn't been up for even an hour before she was called in to have her ward round.

Her ward round consisted of Keri, her psychiatrist, and Blondie, plus Sye from Alder Unit in the beginning. Basically to put a long story short, Sye said that he would be happy to have Keri transferred to his unit on Monday, which is six days time, however she'd still have to remain sectioned. Keri was shocked at how quickly they were hoping to get her there but also glad that she would finally be leaving the acute ward. It's been nearly 4 months! To be able to move, Keri has to go out on unescorted ground leave every day starting tomorrow, even if it's just ten minutes. Her psychiatrist also turned around and said that she had been thinking about Keri's medication situation and wanted to add a mood stabiliser. She's already on antipsychotics, antidepressants, sleeping medication, benzodiazepines... and now she wants to add a mood stabiliser? Ridiculous! She's hoping it'll help Keri stay stable when it gets to the point they start weaning her off the high dose of Diazepam when she moves to Alder. They're going to have to wean her off very slowly over several months. So that was basically her ward round.

Since then Sally has been going nuts. She's been shouting and screaming which has meant Keri's ended up spending all day with her headphones on and sat in an almost catatonic stupor. She even tried talking to patients this evening but was hearing things they weren't actually saying, so they were getting confused and so was Keri. Jen gave her Lorazepam along with her sleeping meds at 1am and Keri's currently temporarily back onto ten minute observation as she was talking to Jen about how much Sally's behaviour was effecting her. I wouldn't be surprised if she comes out and slashes Keri's arm in a "Fuck you" kind of way. The problem is Keri's getting sleep deprived because of all this and it was even stated in ward round about how tired and haunted she looked. It's amazing how a couple of days can make such a difference to your appearance.

One achievement (well, Keri's in limbo about it even though she's tried hard to achieve it she's thinking of dieting again..) Keri is at a 'healthy' weight! 

Keri's CPN visited and she had physio but nothing exciting happened. Her CPN mentioned something about Keri being sectioned for 10 months?! I wasn't really listening so I'm really hoping I heard it out of context.The physio decided to electrocute her with a tens machine. I've never seen one of these before but she brought it up to try on Keri so see if it would help Keri if she consciously wanted to self harm. A tens machine basically sends out an electric shock repetitively and is used for pain relief, but if you turn it up high enough then it causes quite a lot of discomfort. Keri was really nervous when the physio first put it on. Her first thought was that it was going to be like being tazered; which Keri experienced once before when she was psychotic. Not a pleasant experience! But a tens machine is nothing like that. They tried it on Keri's arm but because of her injuries the physio couldn't turn it up too high. She's coming back tomorrow and try on the back of her neck. How exciting...

She did have some leave with Cat but got panicky. It was dark and she was seeing young children. By the time she got back she needed Lorazepam and ended up having a panic attack. Darkness and young children are two of Keri's massive triggers at the moment so it's a bloody good job she went out escorted!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 108, 109 & 110

Written by Fox.

DAY 108, 109 & 110: 23rd November, Saturday - 25th November, Monday

I'm sorry I haven't written for a few days guys but I haven't been around much online, it's mainly been Keri. I've had to focus on other stuff!

Since her ten minutes unescorted leave Keri hasn't been out unescorted since. Tiny things are triggering her off, even to the point of her nearly bursting into tears if she even catches sight of a young child. In her mind, everyone is abusive, every child is being abused, and even if they appear happy she thinks they're not. I think this must be a backlash from court. Keri's mind can't get her head around a non abusive life. She started to when she was living with her foster parents but since moving out and having to do the court case, she's completely distrusting again and is protective of children she doesn't even know, just random ones she sees in Tesco. The evil looks she gives to the accompanying adults make them walk away as fast as possible!

There was another self harm episode on Saturday which was very deep but Blondie managed to put it together with steri strips. The problem is, six hours later and the wound was still bleeding. The night staff tried re-steri stripping the wound but it still bled. The next day they were talking about having to take Keri to go and get stitched until Keri reminded them of the fact that hospitals had a 12 hour rule. If a wound has been left partially or fully open for more than 12 hours since it happened then they won't stitch it just in case they're sewing in an infection that's already settled into the wound. So Keri's been left with steri-strips and just has to keep getting her dressing changed.

Keri is now completely definite Jamie isn't a demon. A few days ago she was still having a couple of doubts but now she's been online and spoken to him and apologised massively. She feels so guilty about it. She spent ages gathering evidence, trying to persuade other people, and even refused to buy him a birthday present for his 17th birthday back in January. Now she feels like she's got her little brother back. I'm really glad about this. Their relationship used to be amazing and her brother has been very forgiving. He realised Keri was just unwell and had developed a delusion. He hasn't taken it personally and is talking to Keri quite happily. Thanks Jamie, you're a very patient brother to Keri!

I came out about 12.15pm which was fifteen minutes before Keri's psychotherapist was going to arrive but she didn't arrive on time and I let Keri back out. Keri knew I'd been out and told her psychotherapist I wanted to speak to her and that I wanted to visit Alder Unit myself, not just looking at it from Keri's perspective. Hopefully she'll be able to arrange something with the manager this week. She talked to her psychotherapist about her self harm etc and the nurses had even sent her an email asking what she was going to do about Keri's self harm! The answer is nothing! No one can do anything if Keri's zoning out at the time or just dissociating completely. If you've got no control over a situation you can't stop the situation happening!

The physiotherapist ambushed her today and Keri's really not feeling it right now but she wants to look at Keri's back. Keri's posture is terrible as she usually keeps her head down and avoids all eye contact unless she's talking to someone she really trusts like her foster parents and certain members of staff. The problem is, for the physio to look at her back she needs to view Keri's whole posture which means Keri would have to be in shorts and a vest. That was a big no no! She made that quite plain to the physio!

I've had to come out a lot this evening and keep checking Keri's Internet history. One of the alters that she's unaware of is really into porn and I've had to keep coming on and deleting all the sites he's visited. I'm getting tired of secrets but this is one Keri really doesn't need to know about. She'll panic if she knows she's got an alter like that inside her. She's only just getting her head around Clari's promiscuity! That's another reason I wanted to speak to our psychotherapist. Plus I've found another 7 alters. That makes more than 40 of us now! 

Her sleep pattern is getting worse. Last night she stayed up until gone 5am this morning because of all the noise the voices are making (aka all the alters, and unknown voices which is confusing). This evening she's spending time sitting in the communal area, even though it's now early morning. It's likely that the staff will give her some Lorazepam along with her sleeping medication. They're well aware of the fact she's having trouble with how noisy most of the voices are. She's got her headphones though which is her coping technique and the nurses encouraged sitting in the communal area, even if it was 3 or 4am, just to make sure she doesn't do anything dangerous.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 107

Written by Fox.

DAY 107 - 22nd November, Friday

Keri woke up to a nice surprise this afternoon to find that her foster parents had come to visit. I tell you what, she couldn't have been happier. She hasn't seen them since the court case, and hasn't seen her foster dad since her birthday! So she was cheered up by that. They even managed to go out to the supermarket and sit in the cafe for a bit which was really nice. Keri even ate without throwing up afterwards! Although I wish I could say the same for this evening.

Keri may still be feeling suicidal but her urges aren't constant anymore. She's getting strong urges that come and go. During the times she's a bit more stable she's writing people's Christmas list and birthday lists and is hoping to plan to go home to her foster parents for Christmas Day. I hope she's able to. By then she should have been transferred to Alder Unit. I doubt she'll be off her section by then but she'll still have taken a step forward. Her foster dad even said he didn't mind fitting Keri's TV up in her room when she moves! Overall that visit did Keri good and she's managed to fight her urges to self harm today as they haven't been so strong. That'll be a combination of seeing her foster parents again and also the amount of medication.

And you'll never guess what. Keri actually showered this evening. I know. It's amazing. Recently she's been avoiding showers. Most of the time it's down to lack of motivation but right now it's the fact she doesn't want to see herself in her bathroom mirror. She thinks she's gross and fat and too disgusting to look at. Her weight at the moment is still borderline between anorexic and healthy and has remained that way for a period of time but Keri's having none of it. After her shower today she's decided she's going to start another fast. For gods sake Keri. You're beautiful just how you are! Plus those mirrors aren't proper mirrors! They warp you and stretch you out! Not reliable! Not that that would make any difference. I've already tried saying all of that.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 106

Written by Fox.

DAY 106 - 21st November, Thursday

Keri managed to drag herself out of bed for her appointment with her psychotherapist today. She changed the appointment to today instead of tomorrow. They were talking a lot about risks and there's been a lot of conversation going on about Keri and how to help her progress to the point that they can transfer her to the rehab unit.

Keri had her first unescorted ground leave today! She was allowed half an hour but only managed to last ten minutes as she started panicking. However, on the bright side, she made it back to the unit in one piece so that's got to be a good thing. Clari has been moping all day because apparently her weed dealer ended up getting searched when he came back to the ward from his leave. I hope that means she's learned her lesson! Not holding out much hope though. 

Keri's mum's partner and Keri have been texting a lot this evening and ended up talking about tattoos. Keri's always wanted a phoenix as it represents rising from the ashes. Plus her mum is considering getting tattooed! From my memory she's always been dead against it so I don't know what happened there! Keri needs to start sorting out her mum's partner's tattoo as well. She has lots of ideas, it's just a matter of putting them on paper so that he can have a look at the rough drawings and then Keri will be able to draw it more accurately and neatly. 

And last but not least, no self harm today! Besides obviously Keri banging her head against the wall. The dose of antipsychotics she is on are starting to work. She now has realised her little brother isn't a demon (which has been a long term delusion) and has said that the bug inside her head is still there but hasn't been scratching so much so it's been bearable. She obviously doesn't think it's because of the antipsychotics as she doesn't know about her psychotic symptoms. Denial once again.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 104 & 105 (15 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 104 & 105 - 19th & 20th November, Tuesday & Wednesday

Sorry I couldn't write yesterday's blog post guys. Clari decided to get utterly stoned so I wasn't in much of a state to write a post! Keri had to deal with the comedown this afternoon. She went to bed just after 1 and couldn't even move until gone 2.30 in the afternoon! She even left Keri a message on the whiteboard in her room saying "keri thanks for taking the comedown today haha p.s sally said shell get you tomoz xxx". What a lovely message.

Besides that yesterday was quite quiet. It turns out that Keri didn't have a CPA after all. It was a professionals meeting. In other words it's exactly the same as a CPA except Keri's not invited; a dozen professionals thinking they know what they're talking about all gathered together talking behind our backs. No self harm though! That's a bonus. Although Keri has been getting quite agitated with this bug she thinks is crawling in her brain and has resorted to bang her head against the wall to make it stop...

But, moving on to today. Sally self harmed but Keri didn't tell anyone about it right away as she was ambushed by Brian and her psychiatrist. Keri panicked as there was blood all over her bathroom and no dressing on her wound so she quickly shut her bathroom door and put her coat on so the blood wouldn't seep through it. 

Brian and her psychiatrist sat down with Keri in an interview room to give her some feedback from the meeting they had yesterday. Sye is keeping the bed free until Keri is allowed to leave Lime Unit, so the bed is there and won't be used before she's ready to go. The problem that came up was that Keri isn't allowed to go to Alder Unit until she's at least allowed out safely on her own which isn't happening at the moment. She spent nearly two weeks confined to the ward (besides being taken to be stitched) and has only recently been out twice with staff escorted to the supermarket. She has to be carefully monitored as she tries slipping things like razor blades into her shopping basket. Brian and her psychiatrist decided to discuss unescorted leave. Starting tomorrow Keri will be allowed half an hour ground leave, on the condition she keeps her phone with her at all times. Brian is also going to make her a flash card to keep with her in case she panics saying things like "PHONE THE UNIT" or "IT WONT WORK" (this is to do with Keri trying to get to the suspension bridge). There was a lot of talk about the risks involved such as Keri's self harming, her dissociating and her urges to go to the suspension bridge. 

When she spoke to Brian later on when he was sorting the flash card he said that normally they'd wait about an hour after someone was due back before calling the police but in Keri's case it would be almost straight away so she'd have no time to get to the bridge and would be picked up before she got there. That's what he meant by the "IT WONT WORK" statement he's going to put on the flash card. They want to take some risks but they're doing it carefully due to Keri's complete lack of impulse control at the moment.

After they're conversation Keri ended up telling the staff about the self harm as she needed stitches. Her psych and Brian had asked during their session if she wanted to harm herself and she said 'no' but what they didn't realise at the time was that Sally had already self harmed immediately before speaking to them and Keri was feeling kind of numb. She ended up with more stitches in her arm but at least some were able to be taken out today so that's a bonus. Unfortunately that's another red mark on her record.

Clari is planning to get completely stoned tonight after Keri's had her sleeping tablet at about 1ish. That's why I'm writing this blog post now otherwise I won't get the chance to otherwise! The staff know Clari has been out and been smoking weed. Keri was particular about who she told and ended up telling Jewels who escorted her to the hospital. The reason she's particular is because she likes speaking to people that understand the situation, such as Keri's amnesia and her not being able to tell anyone whether Clari has a stash. Some staff members just don't understand it. Jewels has reported it to the night staff during handover so maybe Clari won't get away with is. We'll find out later!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 103

Written by Fox.

DAY 103 - 18th November, Monday

Today will be quite a light read as no self harm or anything has happened thankfully, although that normally means Keri's going to be in for a rough night!

She had her psychotherapy session and talked about the rehab unit quite a lot and there was a lot of questions the psychotherapist couldn't answer but she told Keri to ask the ward manager when she saw him (he was showing her around the unit today). So straight after seeing her psychotherapist, they walked across the car park to Alder Unit and her psychotherapist "passed her over" to the ward manager. 

Overall the place looked great. It's huge! Her room is lovely and also has an ensuite. When Sye showed her the ensuite she gasped and said, "Oh my god! A proper shower! I haven't seen one of those for ages!" That was a bad thing to slip out as it showed the staff that Keri's become quite institutionalised. The place was pretty much like this acute unit except the door was open during the day for patients to come and go and patients were expected to do their own washing and cleaning (not a problem if Keri is in OCD mode, otherwise it's left to me!). The concern was the fact the door was open and it wasn't secure. Any of us could pop out and do something. Clari could go and hang around street corners, Sally could try killing us, only a couple of examples.

Keri has a CPA tomorrow anyway so all of that will be discussed. Sye said he'd keep the bed free for as long as he was able to. From talking to him Keri is likely to be staying at this place for a couple of years, when she finally goes! By the looks of it Keri might be transferred over there on her section which means the rules will be a bit more strict with her compared to the others staying there to begin with until she can prove herself. The problem is, we're all really restless. The first opportunity we get and we'll be popping in and out like Jack in the boxes. We want some freedom too! I think the first couple of months on that ward will be the hardest as Keri will be switching A LOT, though I haven't had the heart to tell her that yet. She's already got too much on her shoulders, let alone having to worry about the rest of us.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 102

Written by Fox.

DAY 102 - 17th November, Sunday

***TRIGGER WARNING - SELF HARM IMAGES***

The reason I wanted to put a couple of pictures is to show the kind of thing that ends up happening when Keri zones out, dissociates, or Sally decides to have a crack at opening her wrists. There are no images of open wounds, they're all stitched. There's no gore, blood, exposed muscle/fatty tissue or anything like that but I put a warning anyway.

Keri managed to get to bed at 1am today, making sure to take all her medication about an hour earlier than she normally does. Her plan was to hopefully get a good night's sleep and wake up at more of an appropriate time than the middle of the afternoon! Unfortunately she woke up at 2.30am and couldn't get back to sleep. By the time it hit 3am she was wide awake and ended up making herself a coffee and smoking herself stupid out in the garden. She found the air quite refreshing. She knew that she'd had a nightmare from the way she woke up (her duvet had been thrown on the floor and she woke up because she banged her head against the wall while she was thrashing about). She was surprisingly perky considering she'd had less than two hours sleep. I think it was down to over tiredness. With her medication she should've slept through until at least late morning.

At 5am Keri zoned out a bit and ended up self harming again. She didn't actually realise she'd self harmed as she ended up lying in bed. At first she thought she'd just dreamed that it had happened but then saw the blood soaking through her pyjamas and panicked. She made a makeshift dressing to stem the bleeding. She didn't want to tell the night staff as she didn't want to go to the BRI. The Urgent Care Centre which she normally goes to is only open 8am to 8pm so she was going to wait for the shift changeover before saying anything (the night staff and morning staff have their handover between 7am and 7.30am). Once this was over she ended up telling staff and she was off on her way to the hospital.

She was there with staff for nearly 5 hours, however Keri was quite calm. The tiredness had hit her now and they'd medicated her up before they allowed her to leave to get stitched. She spent 3 hours desperately trying to stay awake but it was extremely difficult for her to fight off sleep deprivation, blood loss and a load of medication! Eventually she was seen and stitched up. You could tell Sally had done it purely based on the depth of the wound. Keri was really annoyed as she'd been hoping to go out with a nurse this afternoon but that was only going to be possible if she'd had no self harm incidents.

By the time they got back, Keri quickly ate a sandwich and then was given her Diazepam. Less than ten minutes later and she was out cold asleep on her bed. She didn't wake up until nearly 7pm when Brian came in to give her her next dose of Diazepam.

"How are you feeling?" he said sympathetically, his face looking concerned.

"Like I'm walking on my eyeballs," Keri said.

"I've got your medication here."

As Keri took the water and her tablets Brian started talking.

"Did anyone tell you that a bed is available over in Alder Unit on Wednesday?" he said.

Keri shook her head. Alder Unit was the unit next to Lime Unit, it was the rehabilitation unit everyone was planning on sending her to.

"Well, there's going to bed free..." he said, hesitating for a second. "Unfortunately, with this all still going on and us not being able to let you off the ward I don't think we're going to be able to send you over there yet."

"I know," Keri said, defeat in her voice. "But I've got ward round on Tuesday. Maybe they'll talk about it then."

"Maybe," he said, getting up to leave. "You get some more rest. Emily will probably have a one to one with you later on if you feel up to it."

"I'm going to have to get up now anyway," Keri said, looking at her watch. "It's gone 7. If I go back to sleep now I'm going to end up having the same disaster as last night."

Brian left and Keri grabbed her cigarettes and made a cup of coffee. While she was out smoking, Emily arrived.

"Hey Keri," she said. "Do you want your one to one now?"

Keri stubbed out her cigarette and followed Emily to one of the interview rooms. Emily was the nurse that made the deal that if there were no self harm incidents then she'd take Keri out this afternoon. They had quite a good one to one session. Emily had been planning on taking Keri over to Alder Unit to have a look around and see what it's like but obviously they hadn't been able to because off the state Keri was in. After about twenty minutes Keri was half asleep as her other dose of Diazepam had kicked in. Emily made sure to agree with Keri what she was going to do; watch some comedy, eat some chocolate, and try and stay awake. Emily encouraged Keri to speak to the staff if she felt like self harming again. Keri was taking responsibility for what happened that morning, not mentioning that she hadn't actually realised she was doing it at the time.

So she's had her evening medication. She's not going to bother taking everything early so she's not having her sleeping medication until 1am as usual. Hopefully she gets some rest! She has to be up tomorrow by 12.30pm as she has her psychotherapy appointment. Let's just hope she rests easy tonight.

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***Both of these pictures are the inside of each of her wrists. The first one is of her right, the second of her left (however one has a dressing covering it due to the signs of an infection). Keri's never good at keeping them on! Silly Keri :(***

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Sectioned in Hospital - Day 101

Written by Fox.

DAY 101 - 16th November, Saturday

Keri woke up this afternoon to find that after nearly a week on ten minute observation she's been put back to hourly which she's extremely grateful for! She's been pretty well behaved today but has struggled. The staff have put her observation level down due to the fact she's on so many different medications she's too tired to do anything, except this evening she's been struggling really badly.

Her mum and her mum's partner visited today and they had a few games of Jenga. Stupid game in my opinion. Taking out bricks from a tower and the one who knocks it over loses? I don't get it. Who comes up with this stuff? Keri seemed distracted anyway. Considering all her medication she was very still and steady handed! Bonus. Normally she's restless and shaky so I suppose her Jenga skills have improved too!

The staff even let her out into the car park for about 20 minutes to play with Amos. She spent a while throwing him his tennis ball and getting lots of kisses. The amount of stamina that dog has is unbelievable and he's only a little Jack Russell! Apparently if you throw his tennis ball he can carry on doing that for hours without stopping. It definitely tired Keri out! It's the most exercise she's had all week and her body feels drained in general anyway.

Once they left Keri had to lie down for a bit because she felt quite dizzy and tired. She almost fell asleep but ended up staring at the ceiling in a drug induced stupor. That went on for a while before she started chain smoking again. She spoke a lot to the staff and said she was struggling. She even asked them whether she had her escorted leave back but got told that she's not allowed any leave until tomorrow, as long as there's no self-harm incidents. She's not getting any leave tomorrow. She's taken all her medication early to try to sleep early which means she's going to wake up early in the morning. That's going to mean she's going to need stitches by tomorrow afternoon when the afternoon shift starts at 1.30pm. That means that she won't be allowed out. The staff think positive reinforcement is a good thing, but Keri's not getting any pleasure out of anything! So telling her that the staff will take her out to do something she 'enjoys' tomorrow if she doesn't self-harm isn't going to work!

Either way it's been quite quiet and again she's still getting along with Bitch really well! It's creeping me out. Keri's tolerance level is quite low so any slip of the tongue is going to land Keri in seclusion for Sally deciding to get physically violent. She's extremely restless.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 98 to Day 100

Written by Fox.

Well we've finally hit day 100! I haven't written a blog post for the last few days as not much has happened besides Keri becoming increasingly depressed and still needing stitches and being on ten minute obs. 

Today Keri wasn't even up for ten minutes before she had cut open her wrist. She didn't tell the staff for a couple of hours and pretended she was fine for a while. She didn't get up until 2pm anyway. The staff and the doctor had words with her today while they were cleaning her wound and ordering a taxi so they could take her to the hospital.

"Oh my god, Keri," the doctor said. "You've gone very deep there. We're going to have to send you for stitches again. I'm going to have to go and speak to the consultant to see what we're going to do about this as this has become a daily occurrence. It can't go on like this. We were supposed to be sending you to the rehab unit but we can't do that with the amount you're having to be checked on and you can't even go out alone without staying safe. I'll let the staff deal with your wound while I talk to the consultant."

Keri never said a word through all this. One of the nurses cleaned Keri's cut and put a temporary dressing on it. It was the worst cut she's done in the last week and it's causing more and more concern. One to one observation is a last resort but they're considering that option more and more. Keri's getting visited by her mum and her partner tomorrow so hopefully that'll keep her occupied for a couple of hours instead of cutting herself, or Sally doing it. 

Only a couple of minutes later and the doctor was back. The nurse had already given Keri some Lorazepam, along with all the meds she missed this morning. 

"Right," the doctor said. "We've looked at your dose of Diazepam and you're on 7mg three times a day. We've decided that for the time being until this crisis period is over that we're putting your dose up by 9mg so you'll be getting 10mg three times a day. You've also got Lorazepam if the staff feel you need something extra. Obviously when things calm down we can start thinking about lowering your medication again but right now we won't think about that."

Keri went with staff to get her arm stitched up and has spent the rest of the day in a drug induced stupor. Even at the hospital it was obvious she was medicated heavily. Her favourite nurse came in while Keri was being stitched as he was working and was on a break.

"Hello Keri," he said. "It's been a long time since I've seen you."

"Yeah," Keri slurred. "Been sectioned at Callington."

"How long have you been there?"

"Since 8th August. Don't think you'll be getting that bar of aero chocolate."

"No I don't think so! How many drugs have you had Keri? You can hardly put together a sentence and you look like a zombie!"

"We've had to give her a lot of medication to keep her calm and try and stop her self harming this badly, haven't we Keri?" the escorting nurse said.

Keri just slowly nodded her head.

For those that don't know, the nurse had a bet with Keri that she'd stop self harming and recover eventually and if it happened Keri would have to buy him a big bar of mint aero chocolate! Not happening at the moment!

This evening she's been texting a bit and smoking a lot. She's settled down to watch Children in Need now. She makes sure she never misses it and donates £50 every year. It's the only charity she donates to and she stays up and watches all of it broadcast on the BBC. Hopefully this means no more self harm. I doubt she'll be able to watch all of it anyway. She's so drained from the amount of medication (plus she's got sleeping medication to take at 1am) that I doubt she'll be able to force her eyes to stay open!

I wanted to say thank you to everyone supporting us. It's been really difficult for all of us and you guys keep us going with your supportive comments and messages :) I hope we aren't letting you down!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 97

Written by Fox.

DAY 97 - 12th November, Tuesday

Well it's now been 4 days of ten minute observation and being confined to the ward. She hasn't been out at all today and she's starting to get extremely jealous seeing everyone being discharged and going out on leave, most on their own, some with staff. I don't blame them for not letting her out though. She's a high risk, way too high. She was also annoyed to find out that there were only three people on ten minute obs (they don't check the HDU every ten minutes anymore). Keri is one of them and the only reason the other three are is because they're new on the ward. That's really gotten to her.

When she woke up this afternoon she self harmed barely an hour after she got up. She went to the staff who gave her her medication and managed to steri-strip the wound, however it's still gaping. It would've been better being stitched. Then she self harmed again this evening. Blondie gave her her 1am medication and steri-stripped the wounds on her wrist. If she gets any more anxious again then the night staff want her to ask for some Lorazepam if she wants to self harm again. I think that'll work. Keri's looking for drugged up numbness at the moment. That's what the staff want as well until things are more stable!

Keri's solicitor visited this afternoon and has put in another application for Keri to have a tribunal which surprised us because we had been told we weren't allowed to, but apparently we can. She also said that if Keri wanted to cancel it she'd just have to say so. Her solicitor did say that the likelihood of her getting a tribunal this month wasn't going to happen. It'll be at least the middle of December, possibly even January. She did have some interesting thoughts though. The idea was that Keri was to go to the rehab ward in the hospital so that Keri can learn to do day to day things, such as taking medication, not isolating herself, eating, getting a sleep routine etc. The problem her solicitor spotted was that she thought maybe it would be better if Keri went to a more specialist place that specifically deals with dissociative disorders that can help her with her mental health needs instead of just practical skills. Most of the people on these wards are schizophrenic, or have depression, or bipolar. Most staff have never even heard of DID let alone treated someone with it. Her solicitor and an independent social worker are going to do some research.

Keri's ward round was pretty much a one to one with her psychiatrist. Everyone else was dealing with a patient. I felt Keri's sympathy. He was so terrified and frightened and Keri was the only one who won't back away from him when he gets close as they're frightened of him! Poor Keri felt so sorry for him. He's in seclusion now but she asked Blondie about whether he was okay when she was getting her wounds sorted. 

Anyway, Keri's psychiatrist has decided to put up her dose of antipsychotics again. Drugs, drugs and more drugs. I really hope someone can find her a specialist unit. That's if she doesn't kill herself before things are arranged! :(

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 96

Written by Fox.

DAY 96 - 11th November, Monday

Oh god. Not again. Keri's spent the day, yet again, stuck on ten minute observation and she's getting so annoyed by it. She can't even shower without a female member of staff having to open the door every ten minutes to check how she is. They have to physically see that she's okay!

She had her session with her psychotherapist which wasn't very productive. Keri just vented about how unfair it was that her dad was able to roam the streets as a free man yet she's now been confined to the ward for three whole days. The only time she's been allowed out is because it's been urgent and she's needed to get stitches, which has again happened today. That's now three days in a row. 

She saw her CPN and was introduced to her new social worker. They're visiting in another couple of weeks to assess if things have improved. She's able to be moved to the rehab ward while still on a section but because of her risk levels they're not even close to moving her. If anything, they're closer to moving her to the more secure female ward in the hospital.

Keri's mum and her partner visited for a few hours today. They brought some games as they knew Keri was confined to the ward. After a game of frustration (which is a good name for it as all three of them were getting frustrated!) they then went on to play more than ten games of Uno! Keri and John started ganging up on Keri's mum halfway through their games. I found it pretty entertaining to watch myself.

Unfortunately the day ended with Keri spending about three hours in hospital. She didn't get back until gone 1am. She's had to have more stitches and I'm dreading what her psychiatrist is going to say during her ward round tomorrow. I'm worried about Sally though. She actually let Keri and the staff find a razor blade. She doesn't do that for no reason. She's clearly got other blades somewhere and she's wanting to cause some damage herself. Keri has consciously self harmed for the last three days. It's been a long time since she's self harmed to the point of having stitches rather than Sally doing it instead. Keri's been saying weird things today and sometimes the staff don't understand what the hell she's talking about. The explosion of flashbacks she had this evening has seemed to trigger something off and her psychosis is getting worse. I think it's stress-induced psychosis, although of course, Keri thinks her reality is real when actually it's pretty twisted up.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 95

Written by Fox.

DAY 95 - 10th November, Sunday

More isolation and hibernation. Keri's just so depressed. The HDU garden has still been kept locked, she's still being confined to the unit and she's still being kept on ten minute observation. Even through all this observation she was still able to self harm to the extent that once again she needed stitches, more than yesterday.

Jewels took Keri to the BRI in a taxi and was really good with Keri in the waiting room. Keri was getting more and more agitated to the point she was scaring some of the other people waiting. She was hallucinating and thought a guy was constantly staring at her. Jewels kept trying to reassure Keri until it was time to see the nurse. Jewels managed to get hold of Callington on the phone as it was obvious Keri needed PRN. She couldn't keep still and was still hallucinating. All she heard was some guy banging at the cubicle door.

"Stop him knocking on the door!" Keri said rocking back and forwards.

"There's no one knocking, Keri," Jewels said, crouching down and putting her hand on Keri's knee. "It's just me, you and the nurse."

The nurse was on the phone to Callington when Keri went nuts.

"Fucking stop it!" she screamed at the door.

Jewels sat down with her and tried to calm her down. She was rocking, talking to herself, scratching at her head, hyperventilating and overall panicking like hell! The nurse managed to get some Lorazepam and Jewels made sure Keri took it. The nurse wasn't going to be able to suture Keri's arm while Keri was like she was. 

After about half an hour Keri was a lot calmer and was on the point of keeling over. The nurse stitched up Keri's arm. She needed more stitches than yesterday and has also lost half the feeling in her right hand, hopefully only temporary. When they were done they thanked the nurse and Jewels kept Keri steady by holding onto her. She was very unsteady on her feet and her coordination was all over the place; a combination of medication, blood loss and not eating all day. Jewels got her a bar of chocolate while they waited for the taxi. By this point Keri was hardly able to walk in a straight line and had lost the use of her right arm due to the amount of padding the nurse had to use to dress Keri's wound.

She's back on the ward now and even had a couple of slices of toast. She's finding it depressing though that the only way she's being allowed off the ward is when it's due to the fact she needs stitches. And if she wants to run away she can't because of the weakness afterwards due to the blood loss etc so that doesn't work in her favour. Not that I'm complaining.

Keri's mum and her partner are visiting tomorrow and bringing Keri coffee and chocolate! They're also bringing little Amos along so he can slobber all over Keri's face. They're well aware that Keri has no leave and isn't allowed out of the ward unless it's urgent. It's nice of them to come anyway. Although hopefully Creepy isn't around (I'd normally come up with better pseudo names for patients but Keri and her mum ended up coming up with it days ago!)

I think Keri might go to bed earlier as she's completely exhausted. And surprisingly she's still only on ten minute observation and not on one to one. Although the staff did ask her earlier about moving her room so that she was up by the main reception area so she could be observed more closely. Keri said she didn't want to move. She likes it in the HDU. It's quiet and no one really gets disturbed and seclusion is rarely used at night so it's nice for her, but the staff want her closer, just in case. The HDU is a separate area at the very end of the main corridor. A long walk for staff when they're having to check her every ten minutes!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 93 & 94

Written by Fox.

DAY 93 - 8th November, Friday

Keri forced herself to get up at 2.30pm as she had an appointment with her psychotherapist at 3pm. The first thing she checked as she woke up was the public site that lists court listings and gives live feeds as to what's happening. When she looked at it it said that the jury had retired to make their verdict over an hour earlier. She started panicking.

Most of her psychotherapy appointment involved talking about court. While her psychotherapist was there, another court update appeared on her phone saying that court had resumed but it didn't specify a verdict. Her psychotherapist promised to come back after she'd finished with another appointment just after 6pm to check in on her about the verdict if she'd found out.

The police liaison officer in charge of the case phoned the staff and she was visiting that evening, around 8pm. All the staff, and even her psychotherapist, knew the verdict. Keri didn't want anyone to tell her until the officer turned up as she knew the ins and outs of what happened during court. When she turned up she sat in Keri's room with a nurse and gave Keri the bad news, her dad was being let off and was found not guilty. Keri couldn't stop crying after the police officer left and spent most of the evening trying to climb the fence in the HDU garden. Eventually she was given some medication and the garden was locked up. Because of all the energy that it had taken to be constantly crying and fighting to get over the fence she was exhausted and fell asleep at her desk before waking up at 5am. After a cigarette she decided to close off the world and huddle in bed. I really don't blame her. She's so gutted that her hard work has been ruined that she thinks she's got nothing left to lose. Her mental health is really badly damaged.

DAY 94 - 9th November, Saturday

Today has been the worst day Keri has had so far in hospital. She got up at nearly 3pm and the first thing she did was put on her coat, refuse medication, grab her bag and try the door out to the HDU garden to get over the fence before anyone realised she was awake. Unfortunately, the door was locked.

After about fifteen minutes she ended up cutting her arm five times, with Sally providing her with a razor blade. Blondie patched Keri up and kept Keri on ten minute observation. Barely half an hour after she'd been patched up she went to the desk saying she wanted some leave, and she only has escorted leave written up.

"Can you look me in the eye and promise that you'll come back with me?" Blondie said. "Look me in the eye and tell me."

"Look this is stupid," Keri shouted, losing her temper. "Why is it that a guilty paedophile is allowed to roam the streets yet I'm confined within the fences of a fucking psych ward?! You know what, fuck this."

Before any of the nurses could reply, Keri stormed out into the communal garden. Another male patient was out there.

"Oi," she said to him. "Can you do me a favour and help me move this bench?"

He had no hesitation and went to help Keri move the bench to the fence. Unfortunately the staff knew Keri was distressed and Nic and Blondie were out before the other patient even got his hands on the bench to help Keri.

"That's not helpful," Blondie said to the other patient.

Keri was kept on one to one observation for at least an hour while she was out in the garden before finally agreeing to go in. She went straight to her room. Twenty minutes later and Nic and Blondie came into her room.

"Keri, we need your room to be a safe place," Blondie said. "At the moment I'm stuck in a position. We will either have to remove everything out of your room including any wires or sharp objects. Or we'd have to lock you out of your room. Or we'll end up having to put you on one to one observation which means a member of staff sat at your door constantly. I'm feeling reluctant to do any of these at the moment. Are you willing to take any of your medication yet?"

With a final shaking of the head from Keri, Blondie got up and left, making sure to remind Keri she was being checked regularly (every ten minutes).

Under two hours later and Keri had cut her arm again, except this time it was to the extent there was no choice but to take her to the hospital to get stitches. As Blondie was examining the wound and trying to stop it bleeding she gave Keri a pot of medication and it was a matter of 'you'll take this medication without argument'.

One of the staff took her up by taxi after Keri promised Blondie she'd come back to the unit with staff afterwards. Keri went to South Bristol Community Hospital so all the staff there know Keri and if the nurses from Callington phone, their patients get priority. Keri was only just able to be seen as they didn't get to the hospital until 8pm due to the taxi wait. Several members of staff stuck their heads in while Keri was being stitched to say hello as they hadn't seen her for a while. Apparently Keri's psychiatrist went to visit them and tell them what a great job they'd been doing with Keri and wanted to use Keri's extensive notes to see how the nurses dealt with self harm and people with mental illnesses. They passed with flying colours! And were also pleased that the psych had thanked them for looking after Keri so well.

Keri returned to the unit but has spent most of her time in her room. The staff are being really sympathetic and caring. No judgemental comments at all. She's still on ten minute observation because she's had a lot of medication so she's pretty out of it. If she wakes up tomorrow and refuses her medication again then she'll end up needing more stitches and one to one observation.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 92

Written by Fox.

DAY 92 - 7th November, Thursday

Keri is so drained! She refused to get out of bed until gone 3pm because she's so depressed and tired. It's making her keep herself isolated. She even missed out on seeing her psychotherapist (who wanted to see Keri today before their appointment tomorrow to check in) because she refused to get out of bed. 

She asked for unescorted leave a couple of hours after getting up but was refused it. She was even preparing herself for an argument with Dr. Dickhead but found out he was on leave. Her psychiatrist she normally sees can't make any decisions without his say so. Instead she settled with having to go to Tesco with Blondie. All she wanted to get was food, except it all ended up down the toilet. Keri's anxiety has been so bad she hasn't been able to keep any food down and has spent a lot of time having to stay close to a bathroom.

She's becoming even more suicidal, if that's even possible, and has been considering just doing it in the hospital rather than waiting to get to the suspension bridge. You can still see from her face how emotionally drained she is and how much everything is effecting her. She's thinking way too much. All she's doing now is waiting and it's killing her. Just... waiting. There's nothing else for her to do. Now she's thinking about what will happen if the jury can't make a decision and it ends up as a 'hung jury' which would mean yet another retrial. To me, I think her abuser will go to prison but that's just my opinion. Keri may not want her abuser in prison but she'll be absolutely gutted if there's a non-guilty verdict. She's very torn apart about it all. There's nothing I can do to fix that either which is even more annoying!

There's a good thing about today, Sally hasn't come out. Though Keri has had a massive dissociative headache all day which got to the point at one stage that she could hardly open her eyes. Yet another waiting game... when will Sally reveal herself again? Will it be a public display or in the privacy of Keri's bathroom? What will she do? What will the consequences be? Jeez, someone needs to calm Keri's head down!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 91 (13 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 91 (13 weeks) - 6th November, Wednesday

Keri set her alarm for 6.30am and also asked the night staff if they could give her a wake up call as well. They're idea of a wake up call is a quick knock on the door. Keri heard it but hit her snooze buttom when her alarm went off and rolled over to go back to sleep! She kept hitting snooze until about 7am when she finally needed to get out of bed as she was being picked up at 7.30am.

After two iced coffees and nearly half a pack of cigarettes, her personal advisor and Liz turned up to get her in the car to take her to court. Keri was bricking it! There was no real problem getting Keri in the car and she spent the journey with her headphones on, music as loud as it would go, and slipped into a dissociative state until they finally arrived at the court just before 10am.

Keri panicked right away after getting out of the car because she still has her paranoid hallucinations and was terrified of the five guys that had followed her from the hospital to court. Her foster mum reassured Keri that she was safe and that no one could get into the building and to the room they would be in without security or a key card. This didn't reassure Keri very much but she trusts her foster mum so tried to trust her judgement.

Keri was shown the video link room, a different one from the last time she was there. She also met the judge, her barrister and the defendent's Queens Council who's 6 foot 8 inches! He was like a giant! Keri was a little intimidated by him. He didn't look as empathetic as the defendent's other barrister. Abz had made her own way to court and the judge had given permission for her to be in the room with Keri while she gave evidence just in case something happened (considering she's still sectioned), while her foster mum and PA had to wait in a room next door. So Keri and her intermediary sat in the video link room while Abz and one of the witness care team sat just outside.

Keri found the QC's questioning a lot harder going than she had during her last cross examination with the other barrister in the same court case back in May. Even so, she didn't dissociate (only short periods of spacing out) and was allowed several breaks. The day was again booked out purely for her to give evidence again so that she didn't have to come back and so that she wasn't rushed through, the judge was the same as last time and was very sensitive towards Keri's complex needs.

Last time when Keri had finally made it through the cross examination she walked in to her outreach worker and foster mum who had been sat in the witness room next door with a big smile on her face. This time she was tense, anxious, and felt Sally brewing. Before they left Abz gave Keri some Lorazepam (the nurses had put together Keri's medication in a bag along with her emergency Lorazepam). After that, Abz, Keri, her foster mum and her PA strolled back to Abz's car, with Keri getting plenty of praise from everyone about how well she'd done. She didn't feel like she'd done well at all.

They got to the car and Keri immediately sparked up a cigarette, unfortunately Sally was trying to get out and her foster mum saw the warning signs straight away and knew what was going to happen. Sally suddenly burst out and tried getting away from the car except Keri's foster mum, Abz and her PA had all been ready and just restrained her. Abz really did not help the situation as she kept calling Sally 'Keri', as she's reminded us most of the evening! Sally's main goal was to get to Keri's dad and throttle him with her bare hands but when she finally realised there was no way anyone was going to let go of her she decided to wait. She wasn't going anywhere while she was being restrained and she knew they weren't going to let her kill anyone, even if it was Keri's dad. 

Keri came back and suddenly collapsed, but Liz and Abz caught her as they'd still been holding on from while Sally was out. Remember yesterday when I wrote Keri couldn't get herself to cry? It finally came out. She just burst into tears; a mixture of relief that it was over, guilt that her dad might end up in prison, and anger that Sally was trying to mess things up. Abz and Liz got into the car with Keri and once again she put on her headphones and slipped into a dissociative state again. Getting her back on the ward was easy enough and she's just medicated to the eyeballs again.

Blondie knows Keri's DID very well, having met several of Keri's alters. She kept Keri out of the HDU. She ended up playing five games of pool, two with one of the patients she gets along well with, Denny. Then a further three games of pool with Blondie, then played table tennis for a while before Keri went out and smoked. The point of all this was that Blondie wanted to keep Keri in the communal areas to help prevent her dissociating if possible.

Everyone is completely exhausted. Sally seems to be the only one who's gotten over her downfall and is getting wired up for her next "trick". Unfortunately Keri's been puking for the last couple of hours this evening. She can barely get herself up off her bathroom floor half the time so I think when she finally goes to bed then she's going into a coma! With so much medication and the mental and emotional exhaustion, and the puking, she's totally drained. Just one look at her face and you can see just how drained and unwell she is. Let's just hope court finishes okay and there's nothing that could go wrong. I couldn't handle Keri's reaction if something else went pearshaped.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 90

Written by Fox.

DAY 90 - 5th November, Tuesday

Keri didn't get up until around midday, and the only reason she dragged herself from her cocoon is because she knew that around 2pm her intermediary and an independent police officer were going to turn up with her video evidence so she could view it. The court case started today so she had to watch her evidence at the same time the court was watching it, although she wasn't watching it at court, she was going to be watching it in a private room in the hospital.

When they arrived, Abz also came along to sit and watch Keri's evidence with her so the four of them sat and watched it. It took ages to sort out playing it and ended up having to use Keri's laptop. It was clear that Keri's attention was completely elsewhere as the police officer commented that all she'd seen of Keri was that her eyes were just darting all over the place besides the rare moments when they were focused on her laptop screen. It was also clear that Keri wasn't very well and was in quite a dissociative state. Every time someone said something to her or had to speak to her, they'd have to say it at least twice before they managed to get Keri's attention, and even then she'd forget what they'd said a couple of minutes later.

Abz was finally able to take Keri back to the ward (they went to use a room in the outpatients unit) at about 5pm so she'd been there for 3 hours, obviously with smoking breaks whenever Keri got up and said, "I'm going to smoke." After that they just paused the DVD each time while Abz quickly followed her out into the hospital grounds while Keri smoked. It seemed to go on forever! 

Keri's psychotherapist turned up afterwards just to check in on how Keri was doing and she wasn't good. Her flashbacks were getting worse and worse and her headaches she gets when a big dissociative episode is going to happen was getting worse as well. Her psychotherapist wished Keri good luck and said that she'd be in on Thursday to check in on things before having their usual appointment on Friday. Keri's optimistic that the court case should go smoothly like last time with no Sally incidents but I already know that Sally's going to kick off, and if she doesn't successfully get what she wants after Keri gets cross examined then she'll be laying in wait until the day afterwards.

We have to be up at 6.30am! Good luck to the staff for getting us out of bed. Clari is normally pretty good at that, she got us up early on Keri's birthday through excitement! But this is different and she definitely won't want to come out and help Keri to get out of bed, especially with all the extra medication Keri's had to have this evening.

Her mood wasn't too bad until about 8pm when she was sat wanting to cry but just couldn't force herself to, even though she knew she'd feel better letting it all out. It has to eventually hasn't it? At some stage she's just going to burst and crying will be inevitable. Instead of crying she went into another state of catatonia, which her psychotherapist has now said is a form of being in a dissociative state. It's been described before as the body not having a pilot. All of us are inside the body but none of us want to come out and take control, which means the body is sat completely still in the position it was left in and non responsive to any stimuli until one of us decides to come out and use it, almost like a tool! She then spent a few hours being sick in her bathroom because of how much her anxiety was effecting her, bearing in mind this was after all the drugs had started to kick in!

Well, she's had a lot of medication and I'm definitely feeling drowsy myself so probably won't publish this until tomorrow as I need to let Keri sleep. Night guys. I'm really hoping everything goes well.