DAY 53 - 29th September, Sunday
Not much really happened today as it was quite quiet. Keri sat up with one of the other patients for a while when they couldn't sleep. It helped them but not her! So she didn't get up until nearly 3pm. She hasn't eaten again today so that's two days without food. Really isn't going to help her mood! But she's determined to lose weight again. When her dose of antipsychotics was put up, on two occasions in a month, she put on weight (which is what happened when she was first put on them) which meant she'd managed to get her body to a 'healthy' weight which she is NOT happy with. She thinks losing the weight will improve her mood and get her confidence up but all it's really going to do is make her relapse into her bloody eating disorder.
Bitch has actually left Keri alone today. She made a big song and dance with the other patients about the bruises Keri had left on Bitch's face when they had a fight. Keri didn't worry though, she hasn't got a single bruise on her! She definitely knows how to stand up for herself and not be beaten up in the process. I have to congratulate Sally on that one, she did well teaching Keri all that.
Keri's foster mum visited which was really good for Keri. She brought Keri most of her DVDs, in a suitcase! She's only just managed to fit them onto one of her shelves in her room! I hope the room in rehab is big enough for Keri's stuff, that's if we get to rehab! I was asleep for most of Keri's foster mum's visit so I don't know about much of what was said. I know Keri was glad about the visit but I'm sensing something odd happening with Keri's feelings towards them. The relationship seems... I really don't know but it's changing because of Keri's depression. I know a lot of us miss her foster carers and are desperate to go back home to them but it's not going to happen. Maybe that's what I'm sensing with Keri. Maybe it's setting in that she really can't go and live at home after she's discharged. Part of her still thinks it's a con.
Another unsettling night and I'm fed up with it! The medication Keri's being given should be knocking her unconscious but it doesn't seem to be touching her. Instead, the rest of us (besides Sally) are feeling the effects instead! I didn't even think about that until Keri's foster mum pointed it out. How we can stop that happening I don't know the answer. Maybe her art psychotherapist can help her out with that...
DAY 54 - 30th September, Monday
What a busy day! And good news! One of the hospital managers came into Keri's room this morning while she was still in bed and told her that Bitch has been moved to a different ward! Joyous days!
Keri's little brother also visited this morning! She even managed to get out of bed before 11am, but he didn't turn up until half an hour later. Gave her a chance to have a couple of coffees and smoke though so she was pretty much awake by the time him and his support worker got here. They spent most of their time out in the garden. I've never known two people who can chat so much... Surely you run out of things to say?! But no, they seem to jump from topic to topic, joking about some seriously random stuff and overall it was good. He told Keri that she has his full support when she has to go to court in November. This upset Keri a little bit. She's really glad that she's got his support but part of her thought "if you fully support me, why did you ruin it all last time?". She does have a valid point unfortunately. On the plus side, she's building her relationship with him again; still having dodgy delusional thoughts about him being a demon though. Another thing Keri should talk about to her psychotherapist.
Then at 12.30pm, Keri's care coordinator, plus her student, arrived to talk to Keri. So Keri had to say goodbye to her brother and his support worker and then move straight on to talking to her care coordinator. They only had a quick chat as her care coordinator has to have a report written up to give in to Keri's tribunal and the deadline is today. Her care coordinator was honest and said if the tribunal would be held tomorrow then it's doubtful they'd even get close to wanting to discharge her. Although no one has been given a date for it yet. It could be in a month, a lot can change in a month, except the problem with that is it'll be her birthday on Halloween, and court on 4th November so they better hurry up with it! The closer it gets to that court date the worse she's going to feel.
Off they went and then Keri's psychotherapist arrived at about 1.15pm for their appointment. The whole session was focused mainly on Keri's suicidal thoughts so I decided to take a nap for a bit while they had their appointment. I woke up to find Keri watching a movie in her room and it was nearly 3pm. On the desk was a letter written by Keri's psychotherapist to David. She wants him to be at the appointment on Friday instead of Keri. Wait, that sounds bad. It's not that she doesn't want to see Keri, but she knows David may be able to help her work something out so we don't all end up dead as we're all tired of all this. The problem is David still hasn't come back and I've been searching for him. Maybe I will have better luck finding him tomorrow.
Then at just gone 3pm Keri had to go with the physiotherapist down to the gym. Bare in mind she hasn't eaten for 3 days, she had to do all her core exercises and her joint exercises. Keri had to tell the physio that she hadn't eaten because she normally starts with a warm up on the exercise bike for five minutes, but after two minutes Keri felt like she was going to faint. She didn't specify this, she just said she hadn't eaten. Keri cut the warm up short and did the exercises with the physio and the student (everyone seems to have students with them at the moment!). The physio was very careful to make sure Keri didn't do the usual exercises and cut them down a bit because she didn't want Keri collapsing.
A nice trip to the supermarket with a member of staff in the evening got her off the ward; coke, cigarettes, coffee and gum. That's her diet at the moment. Healthy isn't it? If she carries on then she's going to end up like a caffeinated skeleton with lung cancer. That doesn't work as skeletons don't have lungs but you get my point. All she's doing is starting to distance herself from people. She's finding it very hard to find any hope or trust in people. It's actually quite devastating to be inside her head and watch helplessly while everything is slowly breaking down and there's nothing I can do.
Even though she got up early this morning it still didn't effect the fact that she's not sleeping until 3 or 4 in the morning. I thought that without food, getting up early, extra medication, and having such an exhausting day would make her tired earlier but it's done nothing! She's reminding me of the Duracell bunny, no energy yet is still going and going and going!
DAY 55 - 1st October, Tuesday
Keri got up just before 2pm but before she was even able to get a cigarette in she was called in for ward round! The most Keri got out of it was that they're thinking of giving her unescorted leave, starting with 15 minutes ground leave on the condition that she has a one to one session before and after she goes out. Skipping ahead to this evening, she found out she had two half hour unescorted leaves a day (including off grounds)! Are they deliberately trying to sabotage Keri? If she disappears to kill herself again then it may not be so lucky that a security guard recognises her! Fucking ridiculous. Why are they doing this? Positive risk taking? Idiots!
Keri's actually spent most of her time outside smoking and talking to other patients. She's spent barely any time in her room and even sat in the communal area with some patients while most of them did a quiz and a few sat in the corner having a chat with Keri. The only times she went inside was to get cups of coffee and then to go and wash her hair while everyone else had dinner and then in to watch the quiz!
Keri didn't do physio today. For some reason the physiotherapist didn't turn up. After telling Keri how important it was to go down to the gym with her every day, then she doesn't turn up? She probably did something like lock herself outside her house again! To be honest it's probably a good job she didn't come as Keri isn't in much of a state to exercise! She hasn't eaten for 4 days now and the staff have noticed as I heard them talking about it in the office. She was weighed today and she's lost another 2.5kg in only a week! Keri thinks that her being weighed is 'just a coincidence'. She's in denial, once again. Is there anything else you can pile on top for Keri to be in denial about?! But Keri's determined to get back to her 'target weight' - a weight she will refuse to tell any staff once they start asking questions. Even Clarissa is terrified to eat any chocolate because of how Keri will react. So it doesn't look like any food will be eaten.
I've been trying to find David again today. In fact, all of us have besides Sally. Keri lost it around midnight and hid in her bathroom because all of us were shouting for David. Because of this Keri found it way too noisy because she could hear all of us. What choice did we have? I'm not sure David will be able to do anything anyway. Maybe if he comes out and reads the letter from our psychotherapist then he'll try and at least help her think of ways to help Keri. I have no clue anymore. But Keri's had her 1am medication now, hopefully in a couple of hours she'll go to sleep. Wish us luck?
No comments:
Post a Comment