Possessed by a Demon

To start, our birthday was a pretty good night! It would’ve been better if Clari stuck to the rules! She was out from about 9:45pm until just gone midnight. I was in and out with her but for the most part she was on her own. I posted our videos on our Instagram and 6 of them are Clari. She loves being the star of the show as anyone who knows her can say straight away! We had a birthday cake and we had one pink candle and one blue candle, one for me and one for Clari. They’re very stereotypical colours but we didn’t have many colours to choose from! That was one of the times when me and Clari were out together. I liked that bit!

I’m surprised there wasn’t a noise complaint as Clari was singing her heart out, prancing all over the place like a reindeer and blaring her music. I didn’t think I’d have to keep an eye on her because of all the agreements but I shouldn’t have been so naive. We all knew she’d be drinking as Keri agreed to buy some alcohol for her when she went out with the staff on the condition I disposed of anything that was left over before she woke up in the morning. What I didn’t think she’d do is go against the no drug rule. I’m the only one that can flit in and out when Clari is out. We don’t know why, the only theory is it’s because we’re twins.

Clari went back in after a couple of hours. As soon as I was out on my own I knew something wasn’t right. I know what being drunk feels like from the many alcoholic relapses Keri has had. This was something strange. I didn’t know at the time what she’d had so I went out for a walk to try to sober up a bit. I did the usual and texted the staff. One of our friends got worried but she doesn’t know the ins and outs of the care plan I’ve got. I think it was more to do with the fact Clari had been drinking alcohol and combining it with drugs. Yesterday I found out that what Clari had taken was ecstasy. I didn’t know this during the night. The walk helped a little bit but it was cloudy so I couldn’t see the stars. I really do love the stars. The one night we celebrate and it’s the one day it decides to rain!

I didn’t go out for long and I made sure the staff knew about the drug issue. They advised me to seek medical attention if I thought I needed to but besides a high pulse and occasional palpitations I wasn’t too concerned. I didn’t manage to get us to bed until past 3am. I wanted to make sure that we were actually medically safe. I didn’t want the responsibility of something happening. After taking our night medication and sitting down for a bit and having some birthday cake our heart rate had come down a bit and the palpitations weren’t so frequent. I put all our videos on Instagram and settled down. I went to bed in my clothes as I hate getting changed and considering I’m nocturnal I fell asleep pretty quickly! I think the combination of alcohol and the gradual comedown of the ecstasy made it pretty easy. It’s the first time I’ve ever fallen asleep at night within an hour of lying down in the dark!

The weather is starting to clear up a bit more now so I’m hoping that means I’ll get a good walk soon when the moon and stars are out. Most people hate walking in the middle of the night but I find it so peaceful, especially if me or some of the other alters are stressed. If any of you do go out at night though then be careful, especially if you’re a young woman or someone like me with a very petite build. I’ve got a concrete plan in place for my own safety which I hope I never have to use but it’s there just in case. It’s doubtful anything would happen to you but you can never be too careful.

Now for our update, Keri is getting worse. I’m spending more time out than I normally do just to try and get some peace. She’s still having some kind of break from reality and she’s been drawing crosses all over herself over the last several days as she thinks she’s being possessed by an ‘evil demon’. She’s using the crosses to check each day whether the ‘evil has spread’. I mean, seriously? The staff obviously know about all the things going on at the moment, including the evil possession. There’s various delusions and weird stuff going on at the moment which is getting scary for a lot of us alters. It’s rare for Keri to be like this for such a long time, especially with her speech and thoughts being so muddled and being so outwardly obvious when she speaks or writes. I thought she was due to have an emergency review with her psychiatrist but that hasn’t happened yet and she was discharged about 3 weeks ago. What happens if Keri gets to the point of thinking she’s fully possessed by Satan? I don’t even want to think about what will happen! 

Our gerbils, Tom and Ian, are doing all of us good. They’re giving Keri a reason to get up and they’re really good with me. I don’t know if it’s my “vibe” or the fact I don’t talk but they love me! And I love them even when they’re mischievous! I think I actually like them more when they’re trying to cause trouble. They definitely have some serious gerbil attitude! Because of the fact our brain is still coming down from the drugs, Keri has been sleeping a lot. She was really sick yesterday and only left her bed to run to the toilet. She finally got out of bed at 7pm to have some support with the staff. She did the same today and slept all night until getting up at 2pm to have more support with staff. She’s already been told that if she doesn’t start feeling better in a couple of days then to get some advice. I think she’ll be fine though and just be pretty low and drowsy for a couple more days. The good thing is that she’s catching up on months of sleep that she misses out on because of her insomnia and because of those of us who are nocturnal and like coming out at night! 

Raven still wants to try meeting our therapist. We still see her every week. I had a session with her not long ago and used her box of toy animals to kind of make a diagram to explain what’s going on. Not a diagram, more like a visual representation as writing everything down was getting slow and frustrating me. I don’t have to fully write things out with our therapist. I found her to be on a similar wavelength to me so I only had to write sporadic words or short notes instead of paragraphs of thoughts. She’s really doing us good. Initially I thought we were going to deal with each alter one at a time and deal with their issues but she said it would be better to work systemically, as a whole. Some alters can get jealous otherwise and think that one alter is getting more attention than another and it could cause a whole load of arguments. I’m fed up of being peacekeeper so I’d rather work her way with all that! She definitely knows what she’s doing as we’ve made a lot of progress since working with her. We’ve all got a long way to go but it’s all about the little steps. I don’t care about giant steps. I’m a firm believer in baby steps being the best way forward. Making giant steps can usually mean that the steps back are even bigger and feel even worse.

I’m still going to keep up with writing a post at least every Sunday but I might add additional ones if something is happening, like mine and Clari’s birthday celebration on Friday night!

I’m so happy to be back blogging. I’ve noticed some messages come up on our messenger on Facebook but because we rarely use it the messages don’t get checked much. If you’re one of the people who have messaged on Facebook then try sending a message on Instagram instead as we always read and reply to those, whoever the message is directed to (whether it’s me, Keri, or another alter).

Bye for now!

Fox 🦊 

Mine and Clari’s Birthday!

I'm going to write an update on Sunday but I wanted to write a post about me and Clari! Our birthday was on Monday but we couldn’t celebrate it as the arthritis has been quite bad. We found the tens machine that we use when we’re in pain which can stop us having to use crutches (it’s sends electricity to disrupt the pain signals to the brain). It’s not so much of an issue for me as I have a duller sense of pain. I don’t know why but I don’t get effected so much. It’s not like Sally where she feels NO pain. Even with broken knuckles she can still punch someone full force. It’s crazy. For me it’s more that I can feel the pain and know it’s there but I probably only feel about a quarter of the pain that’s really there. It makes it hard sometimes to figure out what the body’s capability is as I forget that I’m in less pain! Clari on the other hand feels everything. She hates using crutches and totally refuses to come out if she has to use them. At least with the tens machine she doesn’t need the crutches, but she thinks she looks like “half human half robot”. Better than the crutches though! 

We’re going to celebrate tonight. I’ve already got Clari’s music sorted and picked out a good film that we both like. For the first year ever Clari has agreed that for some of it we can both be out at the same time. But we do like our alone time. We’re total opposites to each other so she’s not happy in a hoody and not talking, but I’m not happy in makeup, a pink dress and singing! Keri has agreed that she’s going to buy Clari some alcohol tonight. Keri abstains from alcohol as she has serious problems with it. One drink and she enters a total relapse. We’ve had to make Clari promise that any alcohol she has left over we’ll get rid of. I’m going to be the one out last as I prefer the middle of the night so I can make sure the remainder goes down the sink! 

Takeaway choices! That’s the big argument! Several of the alters have been laughing at us because we can’t decide on what we want to eat! I try respecting Keri’s choice of being vegetarian but Clari couldn’t give a damn! She’d have a steak if she could! What we both agree on is donuts or chocolate of some kind. A sweet tooth is the one thing we have in common! The only complete ban we have is no drugs. I don’t want to be out in the middle of the night and find that Clari has decided to have a load of cocaine. The combination of that and alcohol will really take the joy out of it for me!

We have no balloons or anything but considering we aren’t having a big party it’s good. One year we’re hoping to get some friends and family over to celebrate. Or go to them. It’ll happen at some stage and even I’m up for that. This is our 2nd birthday out of hospital and last year Clari spoiled it by smoking a lot of weed. I’ve finally got her to agree to getting out of her dress and getting rid of her makeup before I come out properly though. I’m never a happy person when I find myself in that!

I’ll update everyone in a day or two with how much fun we have tonight and an overall update of things that are going on. I’m glad we postponed our birthday for 4 days. At least we still get to celebrate! And I have something happy to post about!

Takeaway, dancing (for Clari!) and celebrating. It’s going to be a good evening!

Happy birthday to us! 15 again! :D

Back to Blogging!

I’m back in action! Just reminding you all that I’ve fully taken over the blog now (me, Fox) and have done for a long time before I had to stop blogging for a bit if you haven’t read the ‘About Me’ section. I’ve updated that page and the disclaimer page too.

Anyway, what’s been happening?? We’ve been discharged from our long four year section for about 18 months now and we’ve only had to go back a few times since then. It’s taken a long time to adjust to life outside of hospital but we’re really enjoying it. I love to go on evening walks to see the stars but was never allowed to in hospital because of all their rules. Now I can! The staff here are really good. We live in our own flat but have 24 hour support and a lot of 1 to 1 time with a small group of them. I’ve really missed writing my blog. We share an Instagram account now so all of us can post when we want to rather than us all having separate Facebook accounts. 

For a few months Keri went missing. A teenage alter was out instead. She appeared out of nowhere and none of us even knew she existed. Keri had a relapse with her drinking and in December she had a case of the DTs when she stopped drinking. A few days later she was gone and a teenage alter was here! Keri didn’t come back until the end of March and that was only because me and several other alters were on a mission to find where she was. Keri isn’t actually the original person to be born. The original ‘alter’ is kept hidden and has been since she was about 8 years old. We chose Keri as our host but that was a long time ago. That’s something that’s for a whole book to write about! 

Since we got Keri back, the last few months have been a bit all over the place. While the teenage alter was out she moved flats. We’re in the same building but had to move to the ground floor due to health issues. With several alters having eating disorders and the arthritis in various joints, it was a safety thing. The managers and staff didn’t want Keri to end up fainting and falling down two flights of stairs or tripping whenever she had to use her crutches. A lot of us were really insecure to begin with as it’s the GROUND floor. But there’s cameras everywhere. That’s reassuring. 

We didn’t realise how good life was outside of hospital. We’d never had this independence before so we didn’t even know what we were missing. Now we never want to let it go. I hated the few times that we had to go to hospital since living here but I know it had to be done for safety reasons. There’s no restrictions here besides open flames and not smoking in the flats. I can deal with that. I’m even allowed to go out to walk in the evenings. We’ve got a few things in place between me and the staff just so I’m safe. Because of the fact I can’t talk there’s obviously worries there as if I get into trouble I can’t shout or call out. I’ve got a pretty solid plan though and I get along really well with the staff. 

When we moved here, I was worried. The staff had never worked with anyone with DID before. I think to begin with they didn’t know how to react when I came out, or any other alters for that matter now. But as time has gone on, it’s just normal now, and none of us has to worry about not being accepted or just being ignored and pretending we don’t exist.

It’s actually my birthday tomorrow, along with my twin sister Clari’s. We stay 15 every year but love celebrating anyway! Clari has been having a hissy fit because Keri is on her crutches right now. That means Clari can’t “dance to her tunes”. I’ve promised Clari that if we can’t celebrate tomorrow then I’ll save my celebrations until the body is physically capable of handling Clari’s mania! Our key worker wants to see Clari tomorrow for her birthday but if we can’t do it tomorrow then I don’t mind waiting a week. Maybe it’s a silver lining. If we have to wait a week to celebrate, depending on the body’s joints, then I can get some decorations or something to boost Clari’s mood. She doesn’t get depressed much. She’s normally a ball of energy, like a toddler who’s had 10 cups of coffee loaded with sugar! But she’s a bit low tonight and is blaming all the alters with eating disorders for the fact that the excessive exercise has messed with her birthday. I can’t say I’m happy about it but I’m also considerate. Eating disorders are illnesses and it’s not like they’ve done it on purpose to mess with our birthday. 

We have a private therapist now and she’s amazing. She’s experienced on various illnesses but especially DID and eating disorders. She also does family therapy which some of us hope to do in the future with Keri and her birth mum. Their relationship is a lot better than it used to be and Keri is determined to make it work but there’s concerns from various people, including mental health professionals. It’s understandable though with the history which I’m definitely not going to go into. You’d get the general gist from posts I made years ago on this blog but I don’t want to go there now. I’m in a fairly good mood and I don’t want to spoil that.

Over the next few months I’ll be able to catch everything up from the last couple of years. The main thing is we’re no longer in hospital! We actually have a home address not a ward address! There’s times I get very frustrated with people, especially when I can see something is really wrong like with the episode Keri is having at the moment. But other than that I couldn’t be happier. I’d love to meet some new people but I’m not sure how they’d respond to me, especially if they don’t know we have DID. It can feel very isolating. But I’m going to see if I can go to the community centre to meet some people with a support worker. Keri goes every Wednesday with.. let’s call her CW. I might ask Keri if she can bring it up this week with her to see how it would work. Staff are fine with me communicating via paper but I’m not sure how other clients from other places would react. I think it’s worth the risk of being thought of as weird. Loneliness is horrible and what if I do meet someone I really get along with? I love my family but sometimes it’s nice just to have some friends to count on. Friends that aren’t other alters! Don’t you think I should at least try? I hope so. 

It’s been great to write my first post again. I’d almost forgotten how great it feels to write one! Almost.. It’s the greatest outlet I’ve ever had. Hey, maybe you’ll see me in a YouTube video on our channel in the future! Have a good night fellow bloggers :D