Sectioned in Hospital - Day 85 to Day 89

Written by Fox.

DAY 85 - 31st October, Thursday (KERI'S BIRTHDAY!!)

Well, Clari got us all to a flying start very early in the morning! This meant Keri was overtired and hyper so she spent the morning rushing around and keeping herself busy, hoping nothing last minute was going to crop up and ruin the leave that she was being granted to go home for a few hours.

Her foster mum came and picked Keri up at about 11.30am and was allowed up to 4 hours as long as she stayed with her foster parents. Keri absolutely loved being at home again, seeing her foster parents and just enjoying the environment. She totally forgot about her presents because she was so happy about the fact she was actually home for the first time in about two months! When she eventually got round to opening her presents she had a lovely painting by numbers and pair of leopard slippers from her foster sister and one of her foster brothers. Plus she got another painting by numbers, a book and a nice new set of pyjamas from her foster parents. Keri almost cried when she opened up her cards, especially the one from her foster parents which actually had the word "daughter" written on the front! She didn't cry at home but she did when she got back! They weren't sad tears though so that's good, right?

She even got to see her kid foster brother (another foster child who's 15) on the way back as they had to pick him up from his brother's. The foster agency had some stupid rule that said they gave permission for Keri to go home but her kid foster brother wasn't allowed in the house at the time. Ridiculous. But I guess it's safe considering how out of control Sally gets when she comes out nowadays. Keri had a good chat with him in the car as they were driving back to the hospital. He started asking about things like straitjackets! Keri couldn't help but laugh. She did enjoy the time she spent out but she was still paranoid and a little unfocused. Even so, it did her good to go home for a bit.

She got really depressed when she got back on the unit as she obviously doesn't want to be here! But she kept herself calm by tidying and sorting out her room and going through all her presents and sorting those out too. She was really grateful about all her presents and was thrilled with everything, especially a home visit! Although by the time it hit 7pm she was getting real annoyed with people saying happy birthday to her!

Keri had a chat with Blondie in the evening as Keri was a bit stressed. She'd been told that the liaison officer in charge of her court case is going to be visiting tomorrow, not something Keri is looking forward to. She's also been told that the officer is coming on Monday too so things are a little confused. Keri is supposed to be in court on Monday so the officer arranging a visit for that day makes no sense! Oh well, we'll find out tomorrow.

DAY 86 - 1st November, Friday

Well, not a great day. Keri was awoken by her personal advisor visiting who'd also bought her some presents, including a few small things for Clari and Jimmy! That was nice. The visit didn't go on for long though as the liaison officer arrived at 11.30am so Keri, her personal advisor, the liaison officer and Abz (one of the nurses) sat down and had a chat about what was going to happen at court. It wasn't good news some of it. The 'defendent' (can't currently be named for legal reasons) has now gone and hired a Queens Council along with his barrister. A QC is higher up than a barrister. The liaison officer's theory is that the defendent is scared of being put in prison because of how the jury reacted last time; they all 

looked at him like he was shit on a shoe. Keri isn't only going to be going with her PA and foster mum, but now Abz is going to be coming from the hospital to make sure Keri can be managed properly if she dissociates or becomes too anxious. She's also working that afternoon so can fill the rest of the staff in on what Keri is like at the time, mood and behaviour wise.

Unfortunately this evening Big S came in with a piece of paper in his hand and said that the judge in charge of the case was being delayed due to a case overrunning unexpectedly so court is going to be delayed for a day, it'll start on Tuesday instead of Monday. So Keri will be at the hospital viewing her video evidence on Tuesday afternoon and then taken to be cross examined at Crown Court on Wednesday. Going to be really tough.

DAY 87 - 2nd November, Saturday

Keri (in quick terms as I haven't been around much) = tried scaling the fence, too many flashbacks to count, extra medication needed, isolated herself and spent most time in the HDU, garden in HDU was opened tonight so Keri doesn't have to interact with anyone as she's suddenly taken a turn for the worse. I haven't been around this evening so have no idea what's suddenly set her off! :( I've been trying to look for David today so haven't been paying much attention to Keri. I know, I feel really guilty about it but I needed a break!

DAY 88 - 3rd November, Sunday

Keri had another isolated day. She's been so plagued with flashbacks that she's starting to mix together the past and the present, almost like she can't tell the difference. In the end she couldn't take much more and at about 8pm she went to ask for some extra medication, which in her case is usually Lorazepam. She asked three nurses and stood at that reception desk for over 20 minutes before she completely went off her nut.

"Have they sorted out my fucking PRN yet?" Keri shouted angrily at the nurse behind the desk, the only available member of staff.

"Have you asked anyone?" she said.

"Yes!" she shouted. "Three different fucking people! You know what, fuck it! Forget it!"

"Keri, I can get someone to get you something. But they're busy with another patient," the nurse shouted after Keri as she stormed through the corridor to smoke.

"I don't give a fuck!" Keri screeched.

She ended up storming round and round the garden in torrential rain. Strangely enough a member of staff turned up with her Lorazepam after a couple of minutes, but Keri was way past the point of talking to anyone. She was persuaded to take the tablet and then left alone, being told a nurse would see how she was in ten minutes. Three quarters of an hour later and Keri was still storming around the garden, completely soaked through to the bone; she was so cold it had gotten to the point she wasn't even shivering anymore. Did she feel calmer? No. Had the staff come to talk to her? No. So in the end, after nearly an hour, Keri went straight to her room and reached a state almost like catatonia. She sat completely still, eyes unfocused, unresponsive to anyone talking to her. At points she comes out of it but then after a few minutes or if she's out smoking, she'll get into a position and sit like that and stare straight ahead, not even recognising where she is or who's with her. 

DAY 89 - 4th November, Monday

Today has dragged on for all of us. It could have been a year for all we knew. Time is normal quite important but today it's been meaningless to Keri. She barely even checked her watch today even though she usually checks it religiously to make sure she hasn't dissociated without realising (which happens a lot). 

She saw a doctor today who has put her Diazepam dose back up to 21mg per day instead of 15mg. This was supposed to have been done on Friday but everyone just completely forgot. It's to help her with her anxiety and stuff during the court case but when she first starts it she's like a zombie, although she's been like that the last couple of days even without the extra medication! 

The day was completely destroyed when Keri went out for a cigarette this evening, nothing out of the ordinary, just the usual smoking routine. Except when Keri went out into the garden she found Bitch standing there being friendly to a few other patients. As soon as Keri and Bitch's eyes met it was an unsaid hate. Straight away she started with her snide comments and had a go at Keri over the fact she'd had to be moved to a different ward for the last five weeks because of the physical fight that happened between them that the staff had to deal with. Keri's not sure whether Bitch has learned her lesson as she was toeing the line less than five minutes of being together in the same room. One line that Bitch said that's stuck with Keri is, "I didn't even know she had it in her." This was referring to the fact that Bitch had no idea Keri would retaliate to what she was saying through physical aggression. The reason that line is stuck with Keri is because it's given her some kind of hope that Bitch learned her lesson the first time round. There's been no discussion around Keri's discharge being in the near future so Keri has no fear about her section or discharge being jeopardised if she punches Bitch in the face again. Hopefully it won't come to that, but Keri's strings are being pulled tighter with the overhanging gloom of the court case. I don't think it's going to go as smoothly as last time.

Keri also feels like a horrible human being because of last night. She kicked off because no one was sorting out her medication, only to realise after talking to the new guy today that he had a heart condition and had collapsed so the staff had to deal with that. This made Keri feel horrible about losing complete control of herself. She's been reassured by her foster brother, her mum and other people that she's not a bad human being for doing that. Still, she blames herself. She isn't a bad person. She didn't kick off on purpose. She didn't mean to cause a bit of chaos. She didn't mean to have flashbacks that were so intense she couldn't stand it, right at the time this guy collapsed in his room. How was she supposed to know what was going on? She'd isolated herself because of the stress. But no persuading her is going to make her think any differently. It's just her natural way of thinking, thinking it's her fault for everything that goes wrong.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 83 & 84 (12 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 83 - 29th October, Tuesday

Keri started her day with a visit from her little brother. He brought her birthday presents with him, and she opened them even though her birthday isn't until Thursday! He got her a great hoody that has written on the front "If one of my multiple personalities wants to kill themselves, is it classed as a hostage situation?" And on the back it says "Guess who I am today". It's great. He also got her the first series of Bad Education which has Jack Whitehall in it, she's a big fan. She also got given a parcel and a letter from staff, the parcel contained her onesie from her aunt and uncle (which she loves to pieces!) which even includes a hood with ears on! And then a card from her mum's dad which contained a cheque which she wasn't expecting!

Half way through her visit she got a surprise when her foster mum came in and she'd brought her sister and niece to see Keri too. They live in Worthing and sometimes come down for a few days to stay with Keri's foster mum. They had a good laugh and a chat. At some points Keri was wondering what the point was in putting on a smiley face but she kept at it anyway. Even though she's still suicidal, she did like the fact that they'd visited (although Keri's foster mum's niece is obsessed with a song called Baby Monkey, riding backwards on a pig?!).

Once they'd all left she kept herself in her room as she wasn't allowed out. The HDU garden was kept locked for most of the day until a member of staff was sat down doing paperwork in the HDU office. She didn't bother using the garden though, she only really goes out there when she's thinking of scaling the fence.

Her ward round wasn't until nearly 6pm! For some reason they'd gone on longer than usual and Keri ended up having her ward round in her bedroom! All of Keri's leave has been taken away, including escorted leave (however they made an exception afterwards so Keri could get some food for Clari and staff took her over). Jane, one of the nurses in the ward round, said that she was going to have to talk to the police later that evening to tell the sergeant about the plan of action as the police are really annoyed with the staff at the hospital. That's twice in less than a week that Keri's been dragged off the suspension bridge and taken back to the unit, and she's not kidding around. The police know that! They wanted to know how a patient detained on a section on a secure ward was able to 'escape' so often. In their view, Jane said that the police had said Keri needed to be kept in the hospital and institutionalised (aka living in hospital for the rest of her life). Everyone knows that won't happen but Keri was shocked to hear it anyway. They were a bit dodgy about letting Keri home for her birthday on some leave with her foster parents but phoned Keri's foster mum to discuss it. As long as everything is okay this end, it won't be a problem. The staff found the hoody her brother had got her hilarious. Jane turned round and said "In all my years I've heard all the jokes about mental health but I've never heard that one before!"

Like I said earlier, they did let her out after ward round with Jane. That's only because Keri still feels like a walking bruise. The staff did joke about tying their shoelaces to Keri's but in all seriousness they were quite edgy about letting her out.

And finally, Keri's iPhone has now arrived! Security brought it up to the unit this evening. It's so complicated! I'm leaving Keri to deal with that. I've only just gotten the hang of using her iPad let alone that thing! Her mum and mum's partner are visiting tomorrow with some small presents (some are in the post as they didn't know whether they were going to be able to see her for her birthday).

DAY 84 (12 weeks) - 30th October, Wednesday

Keri was actually up before 9am! She was told to get up and go to the clinic room to get her medication. Obviously after she'd done this she was out of bed and awake. 

A bloody tribunal doctor came to see Keri to say that her application to withdraw her tribunal had been denied! Even in the circumstances! Keri made it quite clear that there was no point in sorting the tribunal out as she'd refuse to go anyway. So that tribunal is screwed up, which means she can't have another one within this six months that she's sectioned, technically seven months as the month on a section 2 doesn't count towards the six months on a section 3. I thought the doctor was very rude to Keri actually. Obnoxious and arrogant are two words that spring to mind, she seemed to think she was more important than everyone else.

Straight afterwards, literally, Fiona turned up and had a session with Keri. She's getting even more fed up with people talking about her future and she's annoyed about all her leave being taken away as she doesn't want to be kept safe. Like her friend Megan said to her when she was texting earlier, Keri's a "determined little fuck". I couldn't have said it better myself! Now Keri's got it in her head that the only way out is the suspension bridge there's no way she can distract herself. She's thinking more and more, planning in more and more detail, it's actually freaking the crap out of me because, sooner rather than later, she's going to succeed.

Her mum and partner visited today. They told Keri they had some small presents but Keri didn't class them as small! Even just a visit from them was enough for her! She got some doc martin boots from her mum (from a friend except Keri's mum can't fit in them!), lots of iced coffee, cigarettes, brownies and also a fab watch which Keri had her eye on when she saw her mum wearing something similar. Keri now has two watches which she's quite happy with. She's obsessed with time. They had a good chat but the visit took a downhill drop when Keri asked staff if she was allowed out. She wanted to go to tesco and take Amos out for a walk but the staff said she wasn't allowed any leave. This got Keri real annoyed. Luckily, an ex patient who Keri met last time she was here had come to visit. Keri recognised her but didn't say anything at first just in case she'd forgotten who Keri was but she knew her straight away and they had a good chat, she even stood and chatted with Keri, Keri's mum and her partner for a bit. According to Keri she looked a lot better than the last time she was here. I wouldn't know, I never met her. Keri got cheered up a bit but hated it when it was time for them to go. With a box of coke cans and lots of doggy kisses from Amos (they brought him to the entrance to the unit to say goodbye again) they said goodbye and left. It'll probably be the last time she sees them until after court, that's if Keri doesn't go off her nut.

Considering the cabin fever Keri's been very good at trying to keep her stress levels down. There are some patients that aren't helpful at all when it comes to that but she hasn't tried scaling the fence. She's desperate to go home for a bit, I just hope she holds out enough to be able to get back to the hospital again. I'd hate to see her suddenly panic or get agitated and having to be brought back to the unit by the police rather than her foster carers. That's the problem at the moment, Keri's on constant red alert which means panic mode can kick in pretty quick, which means she doesn't think about what she's doing, and she's been saying really random things again this evening; not very often but it's kinda weird. I just wish her the best for tomorrow, or today, it's her birthday now! So happy hallowe'en  and happy birthday Keri! Love all of us! :)

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 82

Written by Fox.

DAY 82 - 28th October, Monday

Keri spent most of her time in bed and got up at midday. She didn't do much besides having a quick go at her puzzle and writing complete gibberish down in her notepad. Nothing really happened up until about 6.30pm when Keri asked to go out on unescorted leave. Keri had figured out she'd have a better chance killing herself if she was at the bridge late at night rather than in the middle of the day with a load of people around. What did the staff do? They let her out!

She got to the bridge to find there was a police car up there so she ran up to the observatory and stayed up there for a while smoking and watching the traffic on the bridge. After about half an hour she risked it and saw that the police car had gone. Without a single moment of hesitation (normally she'll be smoking a cigarette on her way to the middle of the bridge) she briskly walked, almost to the point of jogging, to the middle of the bridge. With one glance up and down the bridge to make sure there were no guards or other people she climbed the barrier to get over. Half way over and she was suddenly rugby tackled onto the floor by one of the security guards who was seriously out of breath. They must have caught Keri on the security cameras and done a runner to her when they saw she was climbing the fence.

The other guard called 999 while the one who rugby tackled her kept her held down while she was trying to fight. Her desperation was overwhelming. An off duty police officer turned up while they were waiting for back up and he came over to help.

"Poor girl's desperate to get over that," the guard said, nodding at the fence.

"Was it a serious attempt?" the police guy asked.

"Oh yes, I only just got to her," the guard said.

They tried calming Keri down with comforting words but all she could shout about was the fact she'd been stopped from getting off the bridge twice in less than a week, although this time being more serious. For some reason ten police officers ended up up there! How that happened I have no idea. Six of them disappeared as Keri had her arms handcuffed behind her back. They got her in the car with the police officer sat with her holding onto the cuffs.

When they got back to the hospital Keri kept fighting and saw that there was another police car parked outside. It was a struggle to get her back in but they managed it and took off the handcuffs. The police seemed a bit dodgy about leaving Keri but then something must've come on over their radio as they had to shoot out like a bullet. Keri was fucking mental at this point. Vex went to get her some medication to space her out and when he came back she was terrified.

"Here's some medication, you have to take it," Vex said, sitting next to Keri.

"I can't," Keri said. "I have to check the tickets."

"What tickets?" Vex said.

"The tickets," she said. "There are things here without permission."

"Where are they?"

"Everywhere."

"Well, take this medication and then you can go and check your tickets."

Vex put the medication in her mouth himself and helped her swallow some water. She was in a bad way until those pills started to kick in, and no one had a clue what she was talking about. Now she's like a little space monkey, floating around like a zombie ghost.

Her brother is supposed to visit tomorrow. I wonder whether Keri will even be able to get out of bed with all the medication, especially as she's due more in ten minutes. She had a nice chat with her foster mum though (she knew something had happened as the police turned up at her door asking whether they'd seen Keri). So that's a bonus. Keri always loves chatting to her foster mum, gives her a little glow. Her iPhone is due to arrive on her birthday as well which would be good, but I don't know how well these next three days are going to be. Keri definitely won't be allowed out alone. Even the police were shocked that Keri had managed to disappear from the hospital, whilst sectioned, twice in less than a week. Every time she's been going to that bridge she's been getting closer and closer to killing herself because she's thinking it out well. I just worry that if there's a next time then it'll be her last.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 81

Written by Fox.

DAY 81 - 27th October, Sunday

Oh god what a week. I'm sorry I haven't been posting or anything. Been really tired and busy. Keri's been doing her therapy, avoiding the dietician, avoiding physio (besides helping out the student by being a guinea pig for her exam).

She had a visit from her mum and her mum's partner, plus his daughter, yesterday. Nice big Nemo cuddly fish. Jimmy has fallen in love with it! He's determined to try making a Nemo out of his Lego but hasn't done it yet. They also gave Keri a couple of puzzles which she finished within a few hours! They took Amos out for a walk and Keri got covered in doggy kisses when it was time to say goodbye. It was a nice visit, and Keri's mum made a point of saying that she wanted to see Keri ALIVE one more time before court.

Explaining that last point, Keri tried killing herself again on Thursday and it was way too close for comfort! She managed to get out unescorted but was reported missing. She even sat up on the hill on a bench to make sure that there was no foot traffic wandering along the suspension bridge so that she wouldn't get caught. She had no hesitation but didn't take into account how fast the security guards up there could run! So she ended up getting into a fight with the police which meant she was taken into one of the guards' offices walking bent over with her arms twisted behind her back. In the end she was brought back to the unit in the cage of a police van. She didn't really talk much about it. The staff and her foster mum made her feel guilty because they care but all she could think of was how pissed off she was over how close she'd been. She's sure she's not going to make the same mistake twice.

Today she tried getting out on her own to get back up to the bridge. She thought she'd gotten away with it as it was a temp nurse signing her out and opening the door. Keri made it about ten brisk steps out of the door before one of the nurses shouted after her and said she was coming along as the charge nurse, Vex, realised Keri had just been signed out and didn't want to risk another repeat of Thursday, which is exactly what would've happened. She even tried getting over the fence in the HDU garden this evening but because it had been raining there was no grip for her trainers which meant she ended up having medication and sitting in her room. The staff locked the door to the garden so Keri now has to smoke outside in the communal garden.

What a week! Keri's also worried about her foster mum's mum as she's quite ill. Keri felt horrible when she was told about her as her foster mum phoned Keri on the evening Keri was taken back to the unit so she was casually talking about how pissed off she was because of her suicide being ruined and then her foster mum told Keri about her mum. No one knows the time scale about how much life she has left in her: could be a day, a week, a month, a year. She has a progressive illness so everyone's been told that all they can do is make sure she's as comfortable as possible. 

I know how horrible Keri feels and how determined she is to kill herself as even the guilt from everyone around her isn't effecting her as much as usual (hence the fact she tried scaling the fence today because she couldn't get out on her own unescorted...). I don't know what to do with her anymore :(

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 74

Written by Fox.

DAY 74 - 20th October, Sunday

What a foul mood Keri's been in today! The nurses tried several times to get her out of bed but Keri just turned around and refused, saying she felt horrible and didn't want to get out from hiding under her duvet. At one point she got so fed up with it that she told one of the nurses to fuck off. Nice going Keri. Somehow one of the nurses managed to get Keri to at least temporarily sit up to take two doses of medication at 1pm. Then she was half asleep again for a couple of hours before finally getting up. She would've stayed in there longer but she had another nightmare and woke up in cold sweat, and she was completely soaked through, her hair was sticky, her pyjamas felt like she'd been standing in the rain and she even had to change her bedding. It was the worst and most vivid nightmare she's had in a while. It scares me. I didn't experience the dream myself but I've seen flashes of it that she's had during the day and even that has terrified me.

Keri kept herself isolated and eventually went to the desk to ask to go out on leave. She wasn't laughing at any of their jokes, she wouldn't look them in the eyes, and she looked like she was going to burst into tears.

"I'll just check your leave," one of the nurses said. "Right, it says here that you can go out twice a day for half an hour as long as you're assessed by the member of staff in charge beforehand."

Brian was the charge nurse and he came out of the staff office and sat on the desk next to Keri.

"Right, can I have a chat with you before you go?" he said.

"I don't want to talk," Keri said.

"Well can I at least ask you a few questions?" he said.

Keri shook her head but Brian took her to one of the small rooms to have a chat with her anyway. Keri said she wasn't planning on hurting or killing herself, or running off. Brian decided to let her out. Keri dissociated for a few minutes but we don't know who it was. She noticed that the bus stop sign said that a bus was due in a few minutes and Keri decided to have a cigarette and wait for it. She was getting more and more panicky as the guys following her (her paranoid hallucinations) were getting closer and closer. In the end Keri's adrenalin just said "run" and she sprinted in the only direction she could go to get away from the guys that were scaring her; back into the hospital grounds. By the time she reached the entrance to the unit she was verging on a panic attack. 

They didn't bother searching her so I'm hoping that means no one bought anything. But Keri had a panic attack down in the HDU garden and then went to ask for some PRN. She was given some Lorazepam and had a chat with a nurse in the clinic room. She said she'd rather Keri asked for Lorazepam rather than do anything impulsive. It's written on her chart that Keri can have 2mg of Lorazepam a day along with her regular Diazepam. She got calmer but remained in the HDU for most of the rest of the day.

Fortunately she got a surprise phone call from her foster mum which went on for about 45 minutes. It's the most I've heard her talk all day, even including a few laughs. It was lucky she managed to get hold of Keri as Clarissa has been dying to come out for this evening, so she might end up having our therapy appointment tomorrow. I'm fine with that as long as no one lets her off the ward to buy alcohol or drugs! If that happens then Clarissa will stay out and get wasted and then Sally will take the opportunity to sprint as quickly as possible up to the suspension bridge. Goodbye Keri. Thankfully for our sake Keri's psychotherapist is very perceptive and knows what Clari is like! She'll make sure she's not let out on leave, although Clari is good at impersonating Keri. She won't get away with it with Fiona but may do with some of the staff that haven't learnt so much about Keri's DID.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 72 & 73

Written by Fox.

DAY 72 - 18th October, Friday

Not much really to be said for today, Keri has been absolutely knackered. She even missed her physio as she was too weak to go and ended up napping for part of the afternoon. That's the first time she's slept during the day for months! 

The only reason she couldn't stay asleep longer is because her solicitor arrived. The tribunal has now been postponed (which Keri thought was fine as everyone she'd spoken to about it had been in agreement that it wasn't a good time to have a tribunal!). The problem is it means another one can't be scheduled for about a month so her tribunal won't be until the end of November or beginning of December. Hopefully by then though the doctors will all agree that Keri can either be lifted off her section or at least moved into rehab if they've found a bed.

Besides that not much has happened! Clarissa may have drunk alcohol today while we all thought Keri was asleep as her key nurse said Keri's breath smelled of alcohol when she went to get her 10pm medication, which meant out came the breathalyser! The problem was that Cat couldn't get it working so couldn't get a measurement. I tell you what though, we all got quite lightheaded after that as you have to breathe as hard as possible until the beeping of the machine starts. Keri had to sit down when they tried breathalysing her for the second time! 

DAY 73 - 19th October, Saturday

A few visitors today to get rid of the monotony. Keri was sat in her room dressed and sorted when a nurse came to her room and said, "You have a very eccentric visitor here to see you." At first Keri had no idea who she was talking about and then the nurse said it was Lucinda. 

"Do you want me to tell her you're asleep? I can open the door to the HDU garden so you can smoke," the nurse said.

"That would be great, thanks," Keri said as she smiled back at the nurse. She couldn't be dealing with Lucinda right then and the nurse knew it!

In the end Keri wanted a coffee and thought she may as well say hello and thank you for her birthday presents (which a doctor delivered to her last night!). She hasn't opened them yet but Lucinda is planning to come down again before her birthday anyway. She said it would make Keri laugh so I'm a bit scared as to what she's bought her!

The visit with Lucinda was cut short (to Keri's relief as she wasn't in the mood!). She was saved by her mum and her mum's partner showing up. They sat outside for a bit and Keri chatted with them before they went out off the grounds. They've bought 8 painting by numbers! Plus a nice fleece to keep Keri warm and a 1000 piece puzzle. That'll be fun if Sally gets angry and chucks all the pieces on the floor..

They'd brought their dog, Amos, to visit so Keri was allowed out for an hour with her visitors (the staff let her combine the two half hours she has a day). Amos was a little energetic thing, and loved playing in the pond. There's a sign saying not to let your dogs in the pond, and a fence. Did that stop him? Yes it did. But did it stop Keri's mum's partner from picking Amos up and climbing over the fence? No it didn't! Keri recorded him and Amos playing fetch in the pond but for some reason it didn't save on Keri's phone which she's really gutted about! 

Some shopping, some iced coffee, and some cigarettes in the garden afterwards. Keri's got them addicted to the iced coffee she drinks. It's costing them a fortune apparently! Haha. Keri had a good visit with them, and as a final surprise goodbye, they got Amos out of the car and brought him to the entrance of the unit which Keri wasn't expecting! Amos jumped on her as she crouched down and was sat there stroking him while he decided to lick all over her face! He's such a loveable adorable little dog. I hope I can meet him myself one day! I only got to see him, I didn't get to play! 

Usual boring routine for the rest of the day, although Keri's gone a bit OCD for some reason. Never mind, it means I don't have to keep tidying her room! And on the plus side, when she went to get her meds at both 10pm and 1am, Cat didn't turn around and say she could smell alcohol so that's a bonus. Oh and one more thing, Keri is nearly 20 and she got ID-ed because she was buying a DVD rated age 15! So she doesn't get ID-ed for cigarettes but does for a DVD for 15 year olds. Logical? 

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 71

Written by Fox.

DAY 71 - 17th October, Thursday

Keri didn't get up until this afternoon, which was partially down to the fact the staff came into her room at 9am and gave her her morning medication which included the higher dose of Quetiapine, which meant it knocked her out again. It means she's been spaced out for a lot of the day and has spent a lot of time on her own, using the HDU garden a lot again.

The dietician finally managed to ambush Keri today although she was very upset as the scales said she'd put on 0.3kgs. Logic completely went out of the window and she didn't take into account the fact she had her boots on, three layers of clothing and had drunk nearly a litre of water because she'd felt so dehydrated. The last time she was weighed it was just after she'd got out of bed and she was wearing a pair of leggings and a long top. Big difference! The dietician is rescheduling to visit in a week so Keri will be prepared for when she's next weighed. Keri said she was going to binge today but was going to water fast starting tomorrow until she's next weighed. The dietician tried to persuade Keri not to but Keri's dead set on it.

Keri had her psychotherapy straight after the dietician which clashed with her physiotherapy so they're coming to see her tomorrow instead. Keri and her psychotherapist sat down on a bench near the outpatients unit. Apparently she'd been in touch with Keri's court intermediary, talking about the risk assessment and Keri's capability of coping with the cross examination. Keri told her that she'd be fine in court but I know different. I know what Sally's planning and I know what Keri's head is like. I never swear but I have to: we're fucked.

Over two hours of this evening were spent with Keri on the phone to her mum! I know she wants to build bridges and everything but I really think the amount of contact Keri is having is a bit overboard. I'm not minding the fact that they're seeing each other once a fortnight but spending ages on the phone every evening is not good for Keri's well being. Maybe in the future when their relationship can be worked on more but not two and a half weeks before court. It stirs up a lot of emotions that Keri herself can't deal with. It means the rest of us have to try and take on the feelings instead which makes us feel crap! Not helping when I'm already feeling groggy from Keri's medication.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 70 (10 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 70 (10 weeks) - 16th October, Wednesday

A non productive day with Keri spending most of it keeping herself down in the HDU and smoking in the HDU garden so she didn't have to talk to anyone. You can tell she's going downhill, the staff have noticed. She's keeping her eyes on the floor, her hood up and not making eye contact with anyone. She's become even more paranoid than usual.

She did manage to do her physio, although she was close to fainting afterwards. Keri had another binge and vomit session this evening so that's making her even weaker. She's better off starving herself than getting into her binge/vomit cycle. She went to get the food while she was out on escorted leave. She has unescorted leave but because she was so paranoid she ended up going with the staff.

Keri's psychiatrist saw her this morning to discuss again about sharing Keri's medical notes and for her to be able to talk to the police about what state Keri's mental health is currently in. Keri said it was fine. She thought it would be better having things out in the open instead of someone complaining that she was hiding something. Her psychiatrist ambushed her yet again later in the evening and said she'd decided that it would be a good idea to put up her dose of antipsychotics. Again. And also to change to 'normal' tablets instead of modified release. On the bright side it means Keri is going to be a walking zombie for the next few days. So that's just a warning in case I can't get the blog posts done! 

Odd, I can't watch this anymore. Just gone midnight and Keri went outside to smoke. She was stood there talking to the guys that she thinks are following her. They had a four year old girl with her who was calling Keri "Mummy" and the guys were saying that if Keri didn't do as they said then the girl was going to get hurt. She got so upset over that! She spent half an hour crying in her room before then getting her sleeping tablets. Now she's refusing to even say a word to anyone. She can't seem to even understand what people are saying to her let alone give a proper reply. I don't want to say this but I don't think Keri's going to have the mental capacity to be a witness at her court case. :(

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 69

Written by Fox.

DAY 69 - 15th October, Tuesday

The determination Keri had to get up this morning was there but it didn't go very well. Her alarm went off and she completely blanked it. She didn't even get up until her foster mum arrived! As soon as the nurse knocked on her door and told her that she forced herself out of bed, chucked on some clothes and went to greet her foster mum. Keri was very glad to see her! It had been a while since her last visit so it was good for Keri to catch up with everything that was going on at home. Her foster mum had also brought in her grandson's present for Keri to wrap up, and Keri gave her the card to take back too. It was his birthday on Sunday but Keri's foster mum hasn't seen him yet so it gave Keri time to wrap his present. Keri's foster mum stayed for about an hour and a half so it was a long chat! 

Keri's personal advisor from social services also visited and had remembered to bring Keri the consent form which she needed to fill out to give her PA permission to contact the DWP on Keri's behalf. So that's all out of the way now thankfully. The PA said she thought Keri seemed a bit perkier than normal. No chance. Keri may seem perkier now and again but inside she's feeling like she's literally being torn apart. She's quite a good actress when it comes to hiding her emotions, unless they're too intense to even begin to be able to hide them..

Keri missed her physio because she hasn't been eating properly so she was on the verge of collapsing today. She ate an apple though! Unfortunately this evening she's binged on a load of crap and spent time destroying her already sore throat by forcing herself to throw it all back up again. She may as well just throw the money down the toilet: less painful and not ruining her insides. She really hasn't been very sociable. She's sucking herself back into this weird unreal world, how the hell that'll play out if she is like this during court I don't know, it's only got a lot worse since a few hours after her ward round.

During her ward round Keri requested that she be referred to the BRI (Bristol Royal Infirmary) for a consultation with a neurosurgeon to get rid of the bug in her head. The conversation got challenging again as the nurses tried to tell her that the bug isn't real and is a form of stress induced and pent up emotion. Unfortunately Keri doesn't think she needs a psychiatrist. By the sounds of it they're not going to even consider discharging Keri until the court case is over, considering in only the last week she's dissociated three times to the point where staff have had to intervene. Keri's decided that it might be better to postpone her tribunal but she's going to wait until she sees her solicitor again on Friday before making a proper decision. 

Mick came back to visit today! He brought one of his army friends along with him who was quite friendly. They had a few games of pool with a couple of other patients. Sheila was trying to matchmake them again as Mick has his cast off now! The amount of dirty talk was astounding. Keri didn't really want to talk so Clarissa ended up coming out instead so that Keri didn't have to stand and laugh and smile while inside she feels really depressed.

Keri spent the rest of the evening crying a lot (after her binge episode). She can't seem to stop. This court case seems to have opened a door that shouldn't be opened. I want to lock it again! The dissociating is getting worse, everyone is starting to get tetchy, Keri is suicidal, and even if Keri doesn't act on her thoughts Sally will instead! They can't keep Keri locked up forever but it's not safe to let her out on her own right now. She went to get her binge food from the supermarket but it was escorted leave so she couldn't disappear off. I think that's a small blessing.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 68

Written by Fox.

DAY 68 - 14th October, Monday

Keri actually set her alarm today at 11am to make sure she was up as she had a therapy session at 12.30pm. Instead of getting up she just looked at her alarm going off for a few minutes, hit the off button and snuggled back into her duvet. She fell asleep and was woken up by her psychotherapist; she was knocking on Keri's bedroom door! She gave Keri five minutes to chuck some clothes on and make a coffee and then they went out into the HDU garden to have their appointment. It was quite a constructive appointment but I don't know much more as I wasn't listening properly!

After an hour of therapy, Keri was still sat outside with her psychotherapist when a nurse called Keri and said her aunt and uncle had arrived! So Keri and her psychotherapist walked down to meet her aunt and uncle, she also introduced them to her psychotherapist. Keri was so happy to see them, and it made me happy to see her so happy! They bought Keri some lovely things like scented soap, DVDs, a bracelet, a little chocolate teddy, a small wooden heart and a book with stupid quotes in it! Keri also went shopping with them. Her aunt and uncle said they'd pay for everything but Keri felt embarrassed about it, but then they made a deal that if she ate a pot of pasta then they'd pay for everything, including Keri's cigarettes. Even a couple of smoothies got added to the basket! Keri then got beaten by her uncle and aunt at both pool and table tennis! That was a laugh. Again, really liked to see Keri so happy. It's been a long time since she's been like that. Overall they stayed for about 2 and a half hours! 

She managed to avoid the physio and dietician again. Either they didn't turn up or they did but saw Keri was either asleep or busy. She's not going to complain though! But she can rub in their faces that she had a pot of pasta and two smoothies today. Although her foster mum is coming at 10.30am tomorrow. Good luck getting Keri out of bed Liz! 

There's an app on Keri's iPad called FaceTime and neither me nor Keri knew what the hell it was, but we know now! Her uncle showed us! It's like skype I think, although I've never used skype so can't compare. But Keri wants to keep in touch with her uncle and aunt and using FaceTime instead of just a phone call would be good for her. She tried it out with her mum this evening which was good, and spent a while on the phone to her little brother. Keri's socialising has been non stop all day until this evening hit and she felt like she'd run into a brick wall. Something just got to her and she feels like a prisoner. All she wants to do is get out of the hospital but she still doesn't understand that her way of thinking is delusional or psychotic. She still lacks the insight and the dissociating makes the situation worse! Oh well, ward round tomorrow so maybe the doctor will be helpful... Haha. Doubt it!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 67

Written by Fox.

DAY 67 - 13th October, Sunday

The plan to get Keri out of bed early really failed. The staff tried but Keri was just laying there going "screw you". She finally got up around 2pm. She sat in the HDU office with one of the nurses for a bit, one of the nurses who likes the music Keri likes! He often brings in CDs and sits in the office listening to it with her. Quite easy to do as he has plenty of time. He's the one who's normally sat down in the HDU staff office if he's on shift (you'll see the office when I put up the video Keri recorded as a virtual tour around the HDU!).

Besides having a bit of a rave in the staff office, Keri's spent most of the day in her room watching her Buffy DVDs and sorting out her phone. I don't see why she's bothering as she's upgrading her phone in 12 days! She's got no idea what phone to get though...

Considering today she started using her phone properly she ended up having a chat with her mum, phoned her aunt to save her having to phone Keri on the patient phone, calling her little brother, texting friends who have been worried about her and so on. It's taken up a lot of her day! It's amazing how she's learned who her real friends and family are today.

Not really much to report. There's been no bad dissociative episodes which is a bonus. Keri's just not done much! I'm not surprised with the extreme lack of food. I do know she's looking forward to her aunt and uncle visiting tomorrow but I doubt badminton will be on the cards now! Keri hasn't eaten and Sally's ruined Keri's right arm with deep cuts! Even so, just being with them will make her feel better, I'm glad they're coming. 

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 65 & 66

Written by Fox.

DAY 65 - 11th October, Friday

Keri woke up just after 7am after having only two and a half hours sleep. She got up and had a cigarette and her face almost went numb when she was smoking it so she thought 'screw this' and ended up going back to bed. The dietician turned up and Keri told her to come back later as she didn't want to get out of bed. By the time she did get out of bed it was 12.30pm but Keri thought it was much later. 

Expecting a visit from the dietician again she decided to wake herself up a bit and was soon surprised to hear that the outreach worker from the fostering agency had come to visit. Bonus is this meant Keri got to get off the ward, let off some steam and have a mcdonalds strawberry milkshake! Her favourite! She did feel a bit sick afterwards as it was the most she had had in her stomach for a while but she enjoyed it none the less. Keri and the outreach worker sat out in the garden. Keri smoked while her outreach worker looked at some photos and read the email Keri had sent to the foster agency manager. Both the physio and the dietician came out while Keri was with the outreach worker and Keri brushed them off, at least until Monday. 

Keri had her session with her psychotherapist but I went to sleep during it. She did get the letter I'd asked Keri to give her though which basically said I couldn't find David yet and that Sally had changed tactics; making Keri feel ill and weak so Sally has more power. This means Keri blames it on not eating (which is obviously contributing anyway) and doesn't know what Sally is doing.

It was Clarissa's day today apparently. We've figured out she had a half an hour window to get stoned between Keri's psychotherapist leaving and Keri leaving her room to play some pool with Sheila. None of us knew at that point that Clari had smoked anything! As Keri was playing pool her vision was going a bit weird. Her eyes wouldn't focus and at one point she was seeing double. Getting a bit worried, she went to talk to Blondie and she noted how dilated Keri's pupils were and told her to go and lie down for a bit, which is what Keri did. While she was laid in bed with her music on she felt herself spinning and was getting weird sensations for an hour. During the time she was laying down Keri clocked on to the fact Clari might have taken something and what we didn't realise is that Blondie had also got a vague idea Clari had done something too (Blondie knows Keri's DID quite well). 

Keri had a game of pool with Blondie after Keri had spent some time lying down and they talked about it and Blondie mentioned how drowsy and dilated Keri's eyes were again. Keri decided to search her room with Blondie. She can't search her room on her own as if one of us has hidden something we don't want Keri to find then when she gets close to it we come out and move it to somewhere she's already looked. Blondie and Keri found a stash of weed, which Blondie took. 

On the bright side, it made Keri very hungry so Keri actually ate this evening! Overall, she's had a fairly good evening. Mick is being discharged tomorrow morning so him, Sheila and Keri all took some pictures, played pool and had a bit of fun. Keri's got his number, and he's promised to come back and visit. Keri's a bit gutted he's going but she's really happy that he's able to have some time to get his head together while he stays with his grandparents. Another long late night ahead...

DAY 66 - 12th October, Saturday

Keri refused to leave her bed until the staff ended up forcing her out of bed at 3pm as they needed to change her bed linen (done every Saturday). She hadn't been asleep but she'd been in a half coma! Probably from the aftermath of Clarissa's naughty smokes yesterday. The staff had come in and given her her two doses of meds while she'd been in bed but she was still very anxious.

She kept pacing round and round the garden. By about 5pm she decided to ask for some medication. The nurse gave her her 6pm Diazepam early to see how that would help. Unfortunately, it didn't work too well. Just after 6pm Keri was sat in her room watching her Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVDs and the next thing she knows it's nearly 7pm and she's on her bathroom floor again surrounded by blood with two more deep cuts in her arm. Yesterday it was Clarissa's day, today was obviously Sally's.

As soon as Keri saw the blood she immediately did the usual; grabbed a towel to stop the bleeding, taking deep breathes and slamming her other hand on the panic button. Seconds later and the jangling of keys was heard rushing to her room. Keri was really not in a good state and because the bleeding hadn't stopped she had to keep the towel wrapped around her arm, not very good for walking down to the clinic room in front of all the patients with a blood soaked towel wrapped around an arm. There was another debate over stitches or steri strips and thankfully they went for steri strips again but because of the tension Keri's unable to straighten out her arm properly. Cat gave her some Lorazepam and Keri went out to smoke after Cat said for her to stay in the communal areas for a while. She lasted for a couple of cigarettes before going back to her room.

Half an hour later and she was sat having a one to one session with Cat. She seemed to understand how complex the situation was getting and how horrible it is for Keri having amnesia. That's why Cat left her for half an hour before chatting to her because Keri needed to get over the panic and shock of suddenly finding herself sitting by pools of blood. That's twice in less than a week now! I think it's because of being trapped in the hospital, plus the court case is getting closer. Sally has very strong feelings about the court case. The last time we went she tried bringing a knife along but luckily Keri didn't take her handbag which is where Sally stashed it without Keri knowing. There's no way Sally can get a knife in time for the court case! 

Anyway, another long night but Keri has her Buffy DVDs to work through! Cat is going to get Keri out of bed in the morning so they can go for a ground walk and have a chat about what's going on. There wasn't much time to go through much this evening but Cat definitely understands why Keri feels suicidal right now!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 64

Written by Fox.

DAY 64 - 10th October, Thursday

Some serious review of Keri's sleeping medication needs to happen! Night time is supposed to be my time not Keri's! Either way, she slept in again and was woken up by the fire alarm. Haha! At midday it just started up. There wasn't a fire but we had to evacuate anyway. The bloody thing was ringing for 15 minutes! All because the cleaners had been idiotic and steam cleaned one of the interview rooms without opening the door to the garden!

Keri had an hour to wake up before she was ambushed by another medical student. Another guinea pig moment as she calls it. He spent three hours talking to her! He was extremely interested in her, to the point that Keri's solicitor arrived and sat down with them (they were in the HDU lounge area) and he carried on talking to her for another 15 minutes before saying thank you and then leaving Keri with her solicitor.

Unfortunately, Keri's solicitor has never dealt with anyone with DID. Much like the bloody doctors here. Why even put it in the big diagnostic manual of mental disorders if no one knows what the hell it is or how to treat it? Even so, her solicitor sounded nice and was on Keri's side. Her suggestion was that because Keri can only have one tribunal every six months then it might be a good idea to cancel the tribunal at the end of the month and then review her section when she's been moved to rehab (if she's moved to a rehab unit within this hospital then they can put her in there while she's sectioned if they think it's more appropriate). Then, if things in rehab aren't good then Keri will still have a chance to change things. Keri's solicitor left after about half an hour saying that she was going to have a quick read of Keri's notes on the computer that the staff write every shift about behaviour, mood, activity etc. She's coming back on the 18th to discuss whether it would be better to cancel the tribunal and have it at a later date. Her section doesn't end until March and that's a fair while away! So we'll see what her solicitor suggests when she comes back, Keri also has her card so can contact her any time. Keri usually goes by what the solicitors suggest as they have her best interests. The one she had that represented her when social services took her to court to get an order to have Keri detained in a secure unit was really good and managed to get Keri only 6 weeks in that place when social services wanted a minimum of 3 months!

I have some great news! Keri and Mick have got their spark back! It's been a bit awkward as Sheila has decided to go on and on about how they'd make a great couple and trying to matchmake them. What's the point in that? They've already been put together! The matchmaking thing is long gone. Keri's spent a while this evening with Mick to keep him distracted. He's had things going on with his kids and his ex is the bitch from hell. So he was on the phone to her and got real upset. When he came outside after the phone call you could see he'd been crying. Keri instantly felt sympathetic and went to give him a hug but Sheila jumped in.

"You okay?" Sheila said as they were hugging.

"I'm fine now," he said.

"Good," she said, going to sit down and then she started yattering on about herself again.

Keri walked over and gave him a hug as he looked like he was going to cry again.

"I don't like seeing you upset," she muttered in his ear.

"I'm alright," he said.

"Bullshit," she said, hugging him tighter. "You may be fooling everyone else but you can't fool me. So don't bother lying."

He laughed when she said that and the staff came out. After another few seconds they stopped hugging but Keri stuck close by just in case something triggered Mick off again. Sheila seems to think she knows him inside out. I think she forgets about the fact Keri and Mick have spoken to each other about loads of touchy subjects. About the most she knows is that he has two kids (one biological). Because of this it bugs Keri when she starts yattering on about crap. Keri just wants to shut her up and say "Not everything is about you! The world doesn't just evolve around you and your life!" I think she'll end up snapping at some stage and saying that!

Keri's been feeling quite ill today but that's because of Sally. She's trying a new tactic. Instead of making Keri feel tense or having a massive headache, Keri's got so many aches and pains, and feels really quite ill. It's all psychosomatic. She's not physically ill but Sally is making her brain think it is. I think it's just cruel. If you're going to come out Sally then come out! Stop dragging it out and punch someone!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 62 & 63 (9 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 62 - 8th October, Tuesday

Keri actually got up ready to go to yoga today! It starts at 11am. Even though she looked like the walking dead she still managed it. Afterwards she felt like she'd run a marathon! It's a good job the physiotherapist doesn't see her on Tuesdays because of the yoga. I'm not sure Keri would manage it!

Ward round? Ha! Turned out to be a CPA, or a "review meeting" as Keri's care coordinator called it. So instead of Keri walking in to see three people sat there to do the usual crap there was nearly a dozen people in that room! It was actually quite claustrophobic. Dr. Dickhead was there instead of Keri's usual psychiatrist as she wasn't able to attend. It was decided that Keri's risks were still too high and because Keri refuses to stay voluntarily to be treated (she still thinks there's nothing wrong) then they had to keep her on her section so they could carry on treating her. They're still also looking for a bed in one of the rehab units but Keri's care coordinator reassured everyone by saying that it was in hand. What annoyed me most was her medication change to do with her Diazepam. They put her from 21mg, 7mg three times a day, down to 15mg, 5mg three times a day. Cutting it by 6mg on one day? What is it with these people? 

Keri had a meeting with her personal advisor (PA) from social services who hadn't been invited to the meeting! Sue was very apologetic. They seem to keep leaving her out! Sue filled her in on most of what was said and then left so that Keri and her PA could chat. I left them alone really. I didn't want to interfere. I do know that Keri is fed up with everyone talking about her future when she's so determined not to have one! She hasn't eaten all day again. Plus I still can't find David so at the moment we're a bit screwed.

Keri actually was allowed some leave, even though it was only ground leave and she was going with Jack who's a trustworthy patient. It was only a five minute walk but at least it got Keri off the ward for a bit, especially since we've had a new admission who's constantly kicking off. The problem is she keeps getting taken to seclusion, which is right next to our rooms in the HDU. So every time she gets dragged down there then us and the three other patients all have to hear the shouting.

There was massive upset this evening. One of her best friends in here, the one she kissed, had a really hard time. She had to sit and listen to Mick shouting and screaming from the dining area (all the patients were removed from there so most were in their rooms while others were smoking. Keri was in the garden. Mick had to be restrained by six members of staff (he's a body builder with a broken wrist!) and was injected in the arse three times, so degrading. He also took an overdose. Thankfully we found out it wasn't lethal and he didn't need to be taken to the hospital but Keri felt so helpless. She was pacing outside and Mick came over and tried to calm her down when she felt guilty that it should've been the other way around!

"Come on, Keri," he said. "Come and sit with us."

"I just don't know how to help you, Mick," she said as they hugged. "I know how you're feeling and I know there's nothing I can say that'll make you feel any better. I just care about you too much." 

"It's okay," Mick said. "You going to come and sit with us or am I going to have to lift you up over my shoulders and carry you over there via fireman's lift?"

He started laughing and it did make Keri smile. She went over and sat with him on the edge of the wooden plant box, arms around each other, while Sheila and Jack sat on the bench.

"Fancy a game of pool doubles?" Sheila said.

"Sure, yeah," said Mick and Jack.

"Up for that, Keri?" Mick said. 

Keri nodded as Mick, Sheila and Jack went inside to have some supper before setting up the pool. When Keri finished her cigarette she decided to go down to the HDU instead and hide in her room so people couldn't see her crying or getting upset. Then she was sat racked with guilt thinking that she was being really selfish by taking some alone time instead of forcing herself through a few torturous games of pool while faking a smile. 

DAY 63 (9 weeks) - 9th October, Wednesday

Keri's spent most of the day alone, avoiding all eye contact and only talking if she's asked a direct question. She did take her medication but refused physio. By the time it hit 5.30pm Keri was having a really hard time battling with Sally. The staff refused to let her out on any leave as they knew she was going to dissociate. Instead they'd given her some Lorazepam earlier, and barely two hours later gave her her Diazepam. Nothing worked. She was still restless, agitated, wouldn't talk much. Cat wanted to lock her room so that if Keri dissociated she'd be on the ward rather than in her room getting sliced open. Keri's dead against that. She'd rather get hurt rather than find Sally's caused mayhem on the ward when 90% of the patients don't even know her disorder.

What I don't get is that they've cut her Diazepam by 6mg, yet still are giving her Lorazepam. Studies show that 1mg of Lorazepam is the equivalent of 10mg of Diazepam. So even though they've cut Keri down to 15mg per day, the Lorazepam equivalent puts it up to 25mg a day. What logic is that? They want to wean her off of benzos so that they have some leeway to be able to put it back up when she needs it around the court case, but all their doing is giving her two benzos instead! (For those that don't know, 'benzos' is short for benzodiazepines.)

By 6pm Keri was totally losing it. She was sat rocking back and forth on top of the concrete tennis table in the communal garden smoking and muttering incoherently to herself, spouting random bunches of numbers that seemed to mean something to her yet I had no clue what she meant. Four of the patients tried to get her to sit with them. Even one of Mick's hugs didn't ground her back, she barely even realised any of them were there.

After an hour in the freezing cold, Keri went back to the HDU and sat in her room rocking back and forward on her bed and still not talking to anyone.

Her foster mum arrived to visit her this evening which was really nice as it was quite unexpected. At first Keri was dreading it. She just wasn't in the real world right then. At first when they went to sit in an interview room Keri didn't talk much and just asked lots of questions. She was interested in the answers but kept zoning out. Eventually her foster mum actually got some smiles out of Keri and I think there was even a laugh. All day she had no smiles at all, her face completely void of emotion.

The staff let Keri go out with her foster mum to the supermarket, after checking Keri was okay. Keri's foster mum knows about Keri's switches anyway so she knows about warning signs. I was glad she was able to take her out. I respect Keri's foster mum for all the hard work, even though Keri's not their 'legal' daughter anymore, they still make her feel like she's part of the family (and us obviously!). Keri managed to get her coffee and drinks and even bought some pasta and chocolate. She needed food as she had been close to fainting most of the day. She gave the chocolate away in the end but did eat the pasta. And she remembered to buy a birthday card for her foster parents' grandson. He's 15 on 13th October. I doubt Keri will be able to see him but she can give her foster mum the card and her foster mum has ordered the present for him for her as she's not spending time on the Internet much, Keri will just give her the money. 

So it's now gone 2am and Sally hasn't come out, leaving Keri with a very painful dissociative headache. Sally LOVES mind games. My prediction? They'll find Keri on her bathroom floor less than an hour after she wakes up later this morning.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 61

Written by Fox.

DAY 61 - 7th October, Monday

Keri actually got up at midday today! Earliest she's been up for a long time! She didn't have much of a choice in the matter though. Her psychotherapy sessions have been changed from 1pm to 12.30pm on Mondays. Keri's psychotherapist turned up just as Keri finished her first coffee and third cigarette. They had their appointment out in the HDU garden as Keri didn't feel comfortable leaving the ward because of her floaty feeling (which normally is a warning sign someone is coming out but it's a gradual thing, usually Sally if she wants to play mind games). So it was best to have the appointment within a safe environment. Keri spoke a lot about the bug today, and the paranoid hallucinations of the guys following her (which she still thinks are all real!). She also said that she'd gone online yesterday night! Massive achievement for her even though it's short bursts. So the topic of Keri's DID Awareness page came up and Keri was amazed. The last time she went on it the amount of supporters we had were just over 500, now we have over 900! She was astounded at how much her page had just blown up! So they spoke a lot about some of the people from the page and how she knew she wasn't alone but still felt so very alone anyway. There was nothing her psychotherapist could say that could get her out of her suicidal thoughts, although did say she could use the phone and Internet (if it's being used to track her then she's already got a bug in her head and the guys following her know she's in hospital anyway!). I like Keri's psychotherapist as she never argues with Keri about her delusions or psychotic thinking. I think that's why their relationship is so good. Her psychotherapist handed over to the staff about the 'floaty feeling'. Luckily, one of the nurses (Blondie!) has experience with Keri's DID and knows that the floaty feeling never ends well!

Less than half hour after her therapy session and she had to go and do her physio. She's building up more and more repetitions for each of her exercises but if anything it's wearing down her joints even more. Hopefully Keri's care coordinator gets a bed in one of the longer term units in this hospital rather than elsewhere so Keri can continue with the physiotherapist for a couple of years to see if the problem can be diagnosed and treated properly. It's a guessing game at the moment.

After physio, Keri was finally trying to relax in the garden after an exhausting few hours before a nurse came out and said she had a phone call.

"From who?" Keri said, wondering who the hell would be phoning.

"Your aunt," she said.

"You serious?" Keri said, suddenly hearing the patient line ringing. She stubbed out her cigarette and went inside. The nurse had already answered the phone so Keri just picked it up.

"Hello?" Keri said.

"Keri? It's Auntie Lynne," Lynne said from the other end of the phone.

Wow! The smile on Keri's face! She loves her aunt and uncle to pieces and hasn't seen them for a while. They know she's been sectioned for a long time now and are going to visit Keri next week which will be brilliant for her! I think her aunt said something about it being a five hour trip? Keri felt a bit awkward when her aunt said that as she didn't want to ruin their day having to drive but her aunt insisted that they didn't mind. They might even get a game of badminton in if the sports hall is free that afternoon! They're planning to come after Keri's psychotherapy session on Monday, so around 2pm.

This evening Keri wanted some unescorted leave to the supermarket as she knew Sally would gladly get Keri to the suspension bridge. Unfortunately Blondie was too clever. She had a quick discussion with the other staff in the office and said that she wasn't allowed out on her own as her psychotherapist had handed over that Keri was experiencing this 'floaty feeling'. During Keri's last admission this had happened with Blondie before and she knew exactly what it meant this time. It meant watch out, something bad is gonna happen! So instead Blondie compromised and escorted Keri to the supermarket herself. Keri bought a fair amount of food as she's now decided she's fasting 6 days out of the week and then on Mondays she can eat. She bought a pot of cheese and tomato pasta, carrot sticks, hummus and some chocolate. She was very tempted to buy a lot more but knew that if she ate too much she'd spend the evening making herself sick.

When they got back to the unit, Keri had her medication and then sat down at about 7pm to watch the new Orphan Black episode. She didn't even get five minutes into it before finding herself on her bathroom floor next to a pool of blood, hearing in the background Orphan Black still playing on her iPad. Sally had cut open Keri's wrist three times. Keri instantly gagged at the sight of it. She grabbed a towel, wrapped it around her arm to stem the bleeding and hit the panic button to set off the alarm. The staff came running into the room and Blondie stayed with Keri as she knew Keri's DID a lot better than other staff. She tried helping Keri calm down as she was hyperventilating and not breathing properly, and feeling sick due to the blood loss.

They helped her walk slowly to the clinic room so that she didn't collapse on the way there and when they got her in they laid her down on the bed to examine the wounds more closely. There was a long debate over whether to try using steri strips and covering the wound so they didn't unstick from the tension or whether to get her to A&E for sutures. Everyone had a different opinion. In the end, because of the state Keri was in they decided to try steri strips and put a couple of dressings around it so it was all secure and could be assessed tomorrow. Big S gave her some Lorazepam and then Keri went outside and smoked a few cigarettes. 

One of the patients came outside, Carly, and sat opposite Keri on the bench.

"What's up Keri?" she asked. Keri ignored her.

"Oi, get out of yourself," Carly said, pushing Keri's head up.

"That's exactly what I'm fucking doing!" Keri shouted. Thankfully Carly walked off and Keri hasn't seen her since.

Jack came outside after a while and asked what was wrong as he'd been sat in the communal area with several other patients when Keri had to be taken to the clinic room. For the first time Keri decided to explain what her disorder was.

"Do you know what Dissociative Identity Disorder is?" she asked him.

"No, I can't say I have," he said.

"Well, basically, if you're a child and you've gone through extreme trauma then sometimes a child has no escape so to keep the memories locked up and the emotions the child splits off parts of themselves into different personalities," Keri explained.

"Oh I see," he said. "That explains a lot then."

Keri didn't even want to know what he meant by that but it felt good to explain it.

"Yeah... Well when these personalities come out I have amnesia," Keri said.

"Really?" Jack said. "Jesus that sounds rough."

Unfortunately another patient came out and said, "oh, does that mean you're schizo then?". No it bloody doesn't! People with schizophrenia do not have multiple personalities unless comorbidly diagnosed with DID! For me, that's the most annoying assumption in the world for people to make.

Well, it's Keri's ward round tomorrow. I've no idea how it's going to go, especially after Sally's antics today. It'll be 9 weeks she's been here on Wednesday and she's just getting worse as the court case gets closer. That's probably why Sally is so confused and revved up. She's not keen on the court case either!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 59 & 60

DAY 59 - 5th October, Saturday

Keri didn't even bother getting up until the staff turned up at her door when it was nearing 2pm saying that her mum and her mum's partner had arrived to visit her! They were here for a good 3 hours and even went to the supermarket for a bit. They got Keri a nice new case for her iPad which she's very grateful for. They chatted loads and her mum said that the next time they visited they'd bring their dog, Amos, and go out for a walk around the hospital's nature reserve with him. He loves water and there's a pond up there! Keri's mum said he goes straight for water whenever he sees it! Overall it was actually a good visit although, as always, Keri gets all these guilty horrible feelings afterwards that stem from past experiences etc. So it's the after effects people worry about mostly. 

Luckily Keri has been fine for the rest of the evening and spent a lot of time playing pool; either practising by herself or going against other patients. She's getting fairly good at it actually! Of course Keri still felt depressed, she has been for a while, but she at least forced herself to spend time in the communal areas.

Later that evening some of the patients even went down to the sports hall to play badminton. Keri was the only one who didn't take a rest! She was getting more and more competitive and was constantly thinking "burn calories, burn calories, burn calories". On the bright side Keri had an apple this evening as she was to the point where she was going to faint in the middle of the hospital. Her mum brought in a bag of six of them! So Keri had one and then put the rest in a bowl to share with the other patients. I didn't think they'd be eaten but apparently a lot of the patients have a taste for a good apple! Especially the red ones!

With all the time Keri's spent playing over an hour of badminton and playing pool most of the day I'm surprised she's still awake. It's about 3.30am now and Keri's not even got changed. She's not tired at all. It seems like the more exercise she does during the day the more restless she is at night. Weird paradox.

DAY 60 - 6th October, Sunday

Considering Keri didn't go to bed until way past 4am she refused to get out of bed until after 3pm. I don't blame her. She's hit a really bad patch of depression, and it's only going to get worse as the court case gets closer. It's less than a month away now and I honestly couldn't tell you whether she's going to be able to give evidence. She might have committed suicide by the time the court case is supposed to begin.

Well, she's back to eating absolutely nothing again and has been playing a lot of pool. She's realised that playing pool burns a fair amount of calories compared to sitting and watching movies etc. That's all she's thinking about! Just... calories, and suicide. What a horrible brain to be in. I hope to god she doesn't get let out on leave over the next few days, not with the way she's feeling right this second. Even though she's feeling horrible she did get out her iPad today and went onto the ward and took some pictures of some of the good times she has with various patients; obviously with the patient's consent. Some of the photos are pretty good and I'm glad Keri has them, it proves that being in hospital doesn't mean that it has to be a constant state of depression all the time with people always sitting in corners crying. Sometimes, we can have a laugh. Laughter is the best medicine.

Good luck getting up tomorrow, Keri! Your psychotherapy appointment is at 12.30pm! Have fun getting out of bed for that one! Haha,, ;)

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 58

Written by Fox.

DAY 58 - 4th October, Friday

Keri was woken up from her hibernation by the doctor who wanted to take Keri's blood to check her electrolyte balances and her iron levels, this is because Keri has now not eaten for a week. The staff are starting to get very concerned. The physiotherapist has had to cut down all their exercises (she turned up today) because she doesn't want Keri fainting in the middle of the workout. If Keri carries on then the physiotherapist said she was unprepared to carry on with the exercises until Keri actually ate something. She hasn't stuck to the dieticians' agreed plan of eating an apple every day. She's eaten nothing, yet again. The amount of water she's drinking is unbelievable though.

Alice, one of the hospital managers, spoke to Keri today about her complaint against Bitch. She said she was still taking it seriously and if there was a chance Bitch could end up back on the ward then it would be discussed with Keri first and, if needed, precautions would be put into place; but that's unlikely to happen in the foreseeable future.

I can't say much about Keri's psychotherapy session today besides the fact the the main topic was to do with the fact she was starving herself. I decided to just leave them to talk as I'd gone off looking for David. I've heard Keri being lectured so many times now that I'm getting bored with it! Why can't she just listen to people and eat something? Even the rest of us are too scared to eat anything because Keri will go ballistic! Even a mouthful of food will start her digestive system back up which means she'll feel hungry again, so even if we try to sneakily eat something, she'll know we had because she'll feel the hunger coming back!

Unescorted leave? That was rubbish. She had her one to one session as planned and they let her out. According to the nurse he said he knew she could do it. So Keri went out, grabbed her coffee, then saw the guys who are supposedly following her and freaked out when they started shouting at her. She didn't even pay for the coffee. Panic set in and she didn't think. She just walked through the checkouts and out the door with the box of coffee sachets still in her hand. She sprinted back to the unit and then ended up out in the garden having a panic attack, and then realising she had the coffee in her hand! That unescorted leave hasn't helped her, it's made her paranoia worse!

Tonight was dominated with a lot of pool, except it was Keri playing it this time. You could tell as Clarissa had lots of practice and played brilliantly last night. Keri hasn't played for ages and is terrible! Even the other patients noticed the change although Keri just said she was having an off day. There's no point in her sitting and wasting her breath over explaining about us and her disorder. In fact, she hasn't told any of the other patients why she's here. Partly because she still doesn't think she's ill and thinks it's normal to drill a hole through her skull. One of the patients is getting to Keri, she's much like Lucinda (who was discharged a while ago); manic, loud, too noisy and overall just annoying! I can't say I like her much myself either.

Well, Keri's had her medication but has spent a good portion of the last hour or two at the staff desk being fascinated by Andrex and his magic tricks! He's a pretty good magician. Not as good as Dynamo though - although Andrex says he apparently taught Dynamo everything he knows!

Keri's mum and her mum's partner are coming to visit Keri tomorrow. I doubt she'll even be out of bed when they arrive. I'm sure they'll understand and won't mind waiting five minutes while Keri dumps some clothes on. We got really confused as Jay came out and said they'd had a phone call from Keri's mum and that she was visiting tomorrow. It took a while for everyone to figure out that it was Keri's birth mum, not her foster mum! Gets confusing as the staff call Keri's foster mum 'Keri's mum'! Let's see how that goes tomorrow. I think Keri's off to go and watch some more magic tricks! Her and Andrex seem to end up smoking at the same time outside, it's like they're synced together. It's a bit weird. Like when women live together their periods are supposedly supposed to sync and all be at the same time? I wouldn't want to be in an all woman's house at that time of the month if that's true! Ouch.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 57

Written by Fox.

DAY 57 - 3rd October, Thursday

What a brilliant start to the day for me. Keri woke up to see two dieticians standing at the door, haha! The look on her face was a picture. She just looked at them, covered her her eyes and went, "Oh shit!". Obviously they're concerned about the amount of weight Keri is losing, which proves the unit must keep a record somewhere. The nurse yesterday must've just not bothered looking. 

Keri was very clear that she wasn't happy to eat anything otherwise she wouldn't lose as much weight as she'd like. One of them decided to ask whether they could do an experiment. The experiment was that Keri was to eat an apple every day and if she hasn't lost the amount of weight she'd like to then the dieticians will try something else to persuade her to eat. Keri was supposed to start with eating an apple today but hasn't, instead she's exercised and smoked more. She should stick to it to be honest. An apple a day keeps the dietician away! They're seeing her next Thursday, so instead of her being weighed on the Tuesday they'll wait an extra two days so that the dietician can weigh her instead and record it.

Keri somehow ended up with yet another medical student sat in her room questioning Keri about her DID. Keri's given up saying no now. She's decided that if she has any purpose in life then it's to teach others about dissociative disorders, especially DID. The student actually said that the doctor had sat with Keri to ask questions because she had to do a presentation about Keri! She's famous! Well, anonymously famous, but still famous.

One of the conditions for Keri to go out unescorted is that she needs to have a one to one session beforehand which she did with Cat. Keri wanted to go to the supermarket on her own. During the one to one session Cat decided that it wasn't a good idea for Keri to go out alone. This was because Keri was talking about her panic with the people following her (which she still hasn't realised are paranoid hallucinations). In the end one of the staff went to the supermarket for her and Keri was allowed out with Jack and Denny. They both have unescorted leave and the staff were happy with Keri going out knowing she was with two other patients on ground leave. Keri still felt very anxious but she was slightly reassured by the fact she had two bulky guys to protect her if the guys following her decided to attack or 'punish' her.

Clarissa was out for a while with Keri. They were coconscious so Keri found herself doing things she wouldn't normally be doing. She ended up dying her hair and also spent a lot of time socialising and I lost track of the amount of times Keri felt compelled to play pool. She's gone back to isolating herself now but has at least had a good laugh with some of the night staff. Night medication sorted. Keri actually spent 8 full hours asleep, waking up a couple of times but settling again quickly. That's due to the lack of food, so there is a small bonus with her starving herself; she's sleeping.

Oh yeah! And Keri's found out her tribunal date. It's on 31st October! Her 20th birthday! Knew that was going to happen. But hopefully she'll be allowed to visit her foster parents and go to their house for a few hours so she's not stuck in hospital all day. That would be horrible for her.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 56

Written by Fox.

DAY 56 (8 weeks) - 2nd October, Wednesday

The staff came into Keri's room before 9am this morning to give her her morning medication. They've never come in that early before! Luckily Keri normally wakes up at around 7 or 8am but just refuses to get out of bed. I don't blame her. She's got nothing to get up for. She didn't get up until gone 3pm as she's extremely drained as she hasn't eaten for 5 days. I think her Duracell batteries are running out! 

The staff have obviously realised Keri isn't eating as she was out smoking after getting up and one of the nurses came out and he sat down and gave her a food chart that she has to fill in. He said that normally the staff fill them in but they want her to be able to try and do it herself. What's the point? All she's got to put on there is... nothing. This guy actually turned round and said "You can't be eating nothing or you'd be losing an obvious amount of weight". Do they not check their records or even write down Keri's weight? I think 2.5kg in a week is a significant amount of weight to lose! If they had that on record then they'd have figured out she wasn't eating days ago.

The same guy asked her whether she'd had anything to eat this evening when he was giving her her 6pm medication.

"Yeah, I had roast chicken, pudding and egg on toast," Keri said.

"Oh good," he said. "Did it taste good? Well, hospital food I guess it's alright."

He actually took her seriously! Is he a moron?! First thing's first, she's vegetarian. Second thing, no one even saw her eat anything at dinner in the dining room. And third, they know she has no food in her room as she hasn't been out on unescorted leave to the supermarket and they know what she buys. Even if she's unescorted she'd be searched when she got back anyway. Clearly Keri's sarcasm is getting more fluent.

Keri actually used the communal games room today! It has a pool table and a table tennis table in there. She had a couple of games of pool, one with the staff and then again with a patient because she won. She got her arse kicked by Denny though when she played him! He's had a lot of practise since being admitted.

1am medication taken and still awake. Keri sat out in the garden with Jack (pseudo name) for a good couple of hours chatting until gone 2am. Now they've both retreated to their rooms. Jack is likely going to sleep whereas Keri is sitting watching stuff on her laptop and drinking water (obviously not now as I'm here!). Speaking of which she's drank an awful lot of water today. Keeping away the hunger pangs and stopping herself from getting ill from dehydration? I've definitely noticed my throat is seriously dry! It feels like it's on fire! She's going to relapse back into anorexia again. We really don't need that complication. On the bright side, because she hasn't eaten she's pretty exhausted so it looks like her sleep might start getting better. She'll end up switching to another extreme. Chronic insomnia straight to sleeping almost constantly. Without any food to keep her going and her anxiety levels being consistently high I can't see her carrying on pacing and not sleeping for much longer...