Blog Posts Suspended

For those that follow Fox's blog but don't follow our DID page, posts have been suspended as Fox is currently too unwell to write them. Here's the post I wrote on our DID page to make things a bit clearer. Hopefully he gets better soon and he can start doing his posts again, until then we've got to take care of him. Thanks for understanding. - Keri

Sectioned in Hospital - 6 months 1 day

Written by Fox.

DAY 186 - 9th February, Sunday

Keri's kept herself deliberately secluded and avoided talking to anyone, kept her head down and has been getting frustrated. Much like me! I really can't concentrate very much so these blog posts are going to be short. Keri did have a happy moment this evening when she got on the scales while the nurse was sorting out her medication and found she'd lost over 2kg in two days. Looks like that binge Clarissa had kick started Keri's metabolism. I think that'll mean that Keri will eat something in a couple of days. Maybe. Oh my god I can't think! It's taken me half an hour to write a paragraph! I'm feeling really emotional when normally I'm calm.

Sectioned in Hospital - 6 months

Written by Fox.

DAY 185 - 8th February, Saturday

It has been such a long day. It always is on a Saturday or a Sunday on Lime Ward. Keri didn't surface until about 2pm and she's spent all day fighting with Sally again. She's been pacing, she's been rocking, she's been punching things. Sally even came out and climbed onto the top of Keri's wardrobe to try jumping off to break one of Keri's arms but luckily David intervened and there was a twenty minute fight before David managed to fully come out and get Keri down from the wardrobe. Keri was put on hourly observation yesterday so the staff don't even know about that. 

Keri's been getting very frustrated today. She was talking to Carmel and said she felt it was pointless that we have to be locked in this ward for two weeks only to go back to Alder. She said all this admission was going to do was irritate her and 'piss off' Sally (which was proven when Sally decided to snap and climb on Keri's wardrobe). Keri doesn't even know about the wardrobe incident but after switching back from David she felt really distressed and overwhelmed. Thankfully she spent some time in the communal area tonight with her iPad but she still feels depressed. All she's thinking about is suicide and escape routes (which she ended up telling staff as she had started ranting so things kind of just spilled out). She also mentioned how annoyed she was over the fact the female gardens were being kept locked so her escape routes were a lot more limited... She has absolutely NO leave. Last time she saw Dr. Wilke was the day she arrived on Monday. He said she had two half an hour escorted leaves a day. Sally came out an hour or so after that so I'm assuming Dr. Wilke took it away as, even while escorted, the staff have said that the way Keri is presenting at the moment means it's too risky to go out because of dissociating and absconding. It's giving us all cabin fever but if that door opens then Sally's gone like a bolt of lightning. 

I'm still really restless and I really don't like it! I haven't felt like this for ages. I feel like I'm the one that helps hold everyone together. If I get distracted or upset then the whole family gets unsettled. As soon as things become unsettled it's really hard to settle things down again. 

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 30 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 184 - 7th February, Friday

Could Keri have gotten up in any more of a restless and annoyed mood? No! And now I'm feeling really restless and miserable which means poor Jimmy and Daniel are being neglected as I couldn't give them the proper attention that they wanted! I don't want them coming out in this hospital. Can you imagine a 4 year old wandering around an acute ward? Especially with some of the patients here.

Keri had her appointment with Fiona today but I couldn't pay much attention to what was going on. I really struggled trying to distract Jimmy and Daniel so David ended up having to help me. He even said I should go off and rest for a bit and get some help. I have no idea why I feel so off. Maybe I should see Fiona on Monday during Keri's next psychotherapy session. 

Well, Keri got up in a mood and as the day went on things seemed to get progressively worse, especially this evening as Sally has started partially coming out so Keri's starting to feel short tempered and angry. This little old woman kicked Keri tonight (although it wasn't even hard enough to leave a bruise but Sally still got annoyed). Keri just shouted "What the fuck was that for?" The woman then walked to the other side of the room where they were smoking and started muttering under her breath. Keri felt herself getting really angry so threw away her cigarette and went straight to her room. She spent nearly 20 minutes arguing with Sally as Sally wanted to come out and beat the little old lady up, whereas Keri knew this woman has dementia so tries not to take things personally (which is hard when Sally's quite dominant). Things are not going to be good tomorrow. One wrong word from someone and bang, Sally's going to ballistic. Although maybe that's a good thing. She needs to vent, even if it gets Keri into trouble. 

Good news though, Keri's found a replacement for her iPod. Well, actually Natalie mentioned it to me when I was trying to get her to the forefront of everything. Keri can sync all her iTunes music to her phone so can use that to plug her headphones into but it's just a pain for her because of the battery. The battery life of an iPod nano is a lot better than an iPhone 5s!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 29 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 183 - 6th February, Thursday

Keri spent a lot of time with her mum and her partner today, mainly playing Uno and chattering away. They're coming by next week. It was good for Keri to be with people that aren't involved with hospital stuff! They also brought her some coffee, coke, cigarettes... The mainstay of Keri's diet! There was definitely a self esteem boost as her mum seems to be terrible at Uno! Keri also tried a cigar that John brought in. Very dignified! She's got another one for later on. Next time they visit maybe John will be smoking a cigar!

There's been a lot of tetchiness going on this evening because of Sally. Keri has a psychotherapy appointment tomorrow and because Sally blames Fiona for us now being on a locked ward. Seeing Fiona = more anger. That's bad, but maybe the silver lining is that Sally won't be able to contain herself and will come out in the appointments.

Short post again! Hopefully it's all calm again tomorrow. 

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 4 weeks

Written by Fox.

DAY 182 - 5th February, Wednesday

Even though Keri's been on a rollercoaster again with her emotions she's still managed to be kept safe. She didn't surface until about 3pm so that might be why nothing has happened. She's only been awake for 9 hours! About the only thing that's really happened today is Keri met the new doctor and spent some time discussing her medication with Dr. Wilke. He also wants to take Keri off of her section at some stage but that might be complicated with Sally involved. Oh, and Bernie came and worked a late shift here this afternoon which was nice for Keri as it was a bit of familiarity from Alder. She phoned Alder today and had a chat with John, and to see if they could bring over her iPod charger except no one can find it! So now Keri has no iPod. NOT GOOD!

So that's a nice short blog post today, but short is good. It means there hasn't been chaos!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 27 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 181 - 4th February, Tuesday

It has actually been a stable day, as far as being on an acute ward can be. Keri's taken all her medication, she spent a couple of hours in the evening when it started getting dark out in the communal area watching programmes on her iPad, she's interacted with staff and Sally hasn't made any appearances. Even though Keri's still feeling really depressed she's trying very hard to stay calm. She's still being kept on ten minute obs and we found out today that her care plan said that the female gardens all had to be kept locked while Keri is here to avoid Keri absconding. The only garden open is the main garden which normally has other patients in it and is easy for the staff to monitor. She's now also on season 7 of Friends! Yes, she has no life. 

She's absolutely exhausted and didn't get up until about midday. She hasn't eaten for days again and the empty feeling is the only thing that's making her feel a little happier. Looking at herself? Well, that motivates her more to not eat. Who invented large vertical mirrors? Stupid person! At least she's catching up on sleep. So far the staff haven't started bugging her about it yet. Either they haven't picked up on it yet or they're leaving it to see whether Keri will start eating. She hasn't had her obs done since moving here so her weight hasn't been done. I doubt that would be written down on her notes so if Keri has lost weight she's going to get really excited and not have to worry about the staff worrying as it would be her first check with nothing to compare it to.

Let's hope that tomorrow morning Keri will stay fairly stable tomorrow as well but Sally's getting tetchy again. Keri's sworn to herself that if she starts feeling bad then she'll go to staff and try to talk to them rather than find herself being held face down on the floor again. I'm glad she's at least thinking logically about something!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 26 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 180 - 3rd February, Monday

Keri couldn't settle at all last night, even after all her medication. The staff eventually found her asleep by about 7am fully clothed lying on top of her duvet with her headphones in. Even though she didn't get to sleep until that ridiculous time she was awake before 10am! Her anxiety about being transferred to Lime Unit was getting to her but she managed to pack her stuff up just after getting up. We were all asking for our stuff! Most of the stuff in Keri's room isn't even hers or she doesn't like it!

Her anxiety levels were pretty good up until the point she had to walk out of the door of Alder Unit. She started panicking. Matt and Fi took Keri over to Lime with Nigel, a nurse who'd brought a new patient over from Lime. She was the one who's bed Keri was going to be having so they were essentially swapping except Keri still has her room waiting for her back on Alder. They managed to walk Keri over without Sally coming out and kicking off but Keri felt suddenly really upset as soon as the main entrance to Lime had been closed behind her. She hadn't even had her medication that morning as Sally had played the "take your meds and I'll come out" card so Keri's anxiety levels were worse than they would've been if she'd taken her tablets. Fi stayed with Keri for a while in her room and drew a couple of nice sticky notes for Keri to put on her wall. Motivational things to keep Keri going and remember it was only temporary.

Dr. Wilke wanted to see Keri and had a discussion with her in the ward round room. He's granted two half an hour escorted leaves a day. He asked whether Keri thought she should be on ten minute obs or hourly obs. Keri said hourly, so they put her on ten minutes, saying that they could put her on hourly depending on whether any risks showed up over several hours. He also decided that weaning Keri off of her Diazepam was a bad idea as it was needed as the mainstay for her anxiety symptoms. Instead he wants to wean her off of the Quetiapine to see if it provokes a psychotic episode (to try and find out whether her previous psychotic episode was triggered by extreme stress or whether she has a diagnosable psychotic disorder and needs the antipsychotics to keep the episodes from happening, or happen less frequently, or be less intense). The problem is Keri was put on so many medications and had the doses changed quite quickly in a short space of time so no one knows what medication is doing what or causing any side effects. As Keri's going to be an inpatient for a while they're able to mess around with her medication more freely than if she wasn't in hospital.

Keri went out into the garden and was pacing round in circles smoking and trying to get hold of her mum. Sally had started coming out so Keri was still mainly in control but had serious anger problems and was lashing out at inanimate objects. Fiona turned up for their psychotherapy appointment while Keri was just trying to phone her mum on her mobile. It was obvious that Keri was sharing her body with Sally as she shouted down the phone "Pick up the phone!". For the whole therapy session Keri was either kicking things or crying or Sally would eye up the fences.

In the end Keri lost it, despite Fiona's caring efforts to try and say something comforting or helpful. She said she couldn't take it on the unit anymore (baring in mind it had been less than two hours). She walked quickly inside and up to the desk.

"I want to go back to Alder," Keri said to Sim who was behind the desk.

"I'm afraid you can't do that, Keri," Sim said.

"What do you mean I can't go? My room is over there. I haven't even unpacked. Just let me out please!"

"You were sent here to keep you safe. We can't just transfer you back. That's not how it works."

"Yes it fucking is! All you have to do is sign a little piece of fucking paper and I can go!"

"It's all down to the doctors."

"Then go and get the doctors! I've just seen Dr. Wilke for fuck sake so just tell him to say I can go!"

"That's not going to happen. Hey, let's go in one of the rooms and have a chat."

"No! Will you just fucking listen? Just phone the manager on Alder! I can't stand this fucking place! Let me go the hell back!" 

By this point Keri was shouting, she was on the verge of crying and Sally was getting a lot more obvious. Keri started becoming unresponsive to staff and Fiona quickly cottoned on to the fact Sally was coming out and tried to get through to Keri but by that point it was too late. Keri had clocked that a patient was about to leave the unit and the staff were going to open the door. 

As soon as Nigel went round and opened the door, Sally immediately made a dash for the door from the reception desk and got to the door just a little too late. He managed to get the door shut. This really got Sally annoyed. She punched the door and refused to move away from it. Nigel set off the alarm and several staff turned up to try and help. At first they tried verbal negotiation to get Sally away from the door. That didn't work. They then tried light restraint. As soon as that happened Sally lost her temper. She doesn't like to be touched or told what to do. She was getting even more boiled over because of the fact the staff were calling her Keri. 

The plan was that the staff were going to calmly walk Keri to her room and sort everything out in there but once Sally kicked off and started hitting out at the staff they had no choice but to force her down onto the floor and hold her there. Keri came back out while being restrained on the floor, knowing straight away what had happened. She just burst into tears. Even though she was mainly herself, she was still very distressed and instinctively was lashing out at the staff herself while on the floor. They kept her on the floor for ten minutes before she started to calm down enough to get her off the floor (other staff members helping to keep other patients away). 

They got her on her knees and then had to keep her restrained as they got to her room and on her bed. She was hyperventilating, crying uncontrollably with nothing anyone could do, refusing any medication and getting outbursts of rage which would then result on the restraint being tightened again. As she was refusing medication, they had to go and speak to Dr. Wilke to get an emergency IM Lorazepam injection written up which took a fair while. After nearly two hours (roughly, time wasn't an issue right then!), Keri finally agreed to take the Lorazepam orally, knowing that if she didn't then she'd have to be held down and injected anyway. She was kept restrained until it took some effect so instead of five staff in her room it went down to three staff, then finally down to one member of staff. 

As she was no longer being restrained she thought it was time to chain smoke so she grabbed a packet of cigarettes and paced around the garden again. She was being kept on ten minute observation (which she's still on tonight and hasn't gone down to hourly due to Keri's distress). She ended up on the phone to her mum and when she asked when Keri wanted a visit Keri, without any hesitation, went "Today!" So her mum and John got into the car and drove up to see Keri this evening. They were planning on going to Bath anyway so it wasn't too bad. They spent a couple of hours together talking, smoking, drinking coffee... They got her some DVDs and her teddy bear from Alder on the way. Keri found it really good to have a visit but I think she's clinging really strongly onto her mum at the moment, maybe it's because she feels vulnerable and just wants her mum; but it could verge on being unhealthy. I'm not sure how that's going to pan out at the moment.

Keri's evening has been calmer as she's taken her medication. She's cleared her conscience by apologising to the five members of staff involved in having to restrain her and sort her out. Each one of them told her there was nothing for her to apologise about but Keri feels compelled to do that as she feels she is a burden on people. An example she used to the staff was the fact she's currently taking up two beds, one on Alder Unit and one on Lime Unit. Who cares? No one! As long as Keri starts getting better then the bed issue isn't even an issue! Speaking of beds, she should be dead by now. She didn't even have three hours sleep last night and she's still awake at nearly 2am. You can't blame me either! I came out to do the post as it's obvious how much Keri's head is racing and it's going to be at least a couple more hours before she even lies down. Where does this stamina come from?! 

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 25 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 179 - 2nd February, Sunday

Sally has spent most of her day being bugged by David to compromise so that Keri can get to Lime Unit without any hassle. It worked for part of the day but by the time it was the evening Keri was really struggling as Sally had suddenly turned on her and was shouting. She huddled on her bed clutching her head with more episodes of Friends passing by without her actually taking any of it in. Matt nipped into her room and noticed how bad she was getting which I was reassured by as I couldn't do anything! It's more helpful having external people being able to help, especially with one to one observation (it doesn't give Sally an hour head start to run off). 

I wasn't actually going to do a blog post today but it's now gone 3.30am with Keri not even grasping the concept of what people call 'sleep'. She's had all her medication but she can't even lie down. She's spent the night trying to pack but every time she starts packing Sally starts shouting even more. After a few minutes Keri gives up and has to take a break until the next time she can feel that she can deal with a few more minutes of Sally getting worse. I don't blame her for crying in her room while all this arguing and noise is going on. Even I'm getting a headache!

She's really depressed about having to go to Lime Unit but it's what's best for her, plus me, Clari and David don't mind going if it means it'll help Sally. Jimmy doesn't really mind as he's only 4. The only problem will be Sally. Although she's quite a manipulative person. Knowing our luck we'll be on our toes every day, she won't do anything, after a few weeks we get back and then she starts the same cycle again. I think there'll be a point when Sally finally snaps in no therapy session though. If she's going to be back on Lime then she'll be a time bomb waiting to come out, and she really hates our psychotherapist...

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 24 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 178 - 1st February, Saturday

Keri was up by 11am as she was looking forward to her aunt and uncle coming to visit on their way to the airport. She managed to stick to her new routine of going to bed at 3.15am whether she feels tired or not. She's not waking up feeling any more refreshed and her sleep is still restless. She even woke up during the night after having a nightmare and falling out of bed.

Her visit with her aunt and uncle was good. Keri enjoyed their company and catching up on what they've been up to and also letting them know about what was going on with her. They're going on holiday for a couple of weeks so managed to slip a visit in. Keri's hoping to start using FaceTime more to keep in contact with them, it just doesn't work out so well though if she's having a bad depressive episode, or is psychotic, or isn't herself. Jamie spent ages here and left totally exhausted, as was Keri! They even recorded a few videos. One in slow motion and another of them dancing on the Wii to the song Rock Lobster! I think their dancing is funny! She's been trying to put it on Facebook but it won't work!

Keri's still on one to one and has been pretty hysterical for periods. When her brother was here she was switching from crying to laughing to crying to laughing with tears in her eyes. She wanted to burst into tears. Even while she was laughing hysterically she was saying, "My life's so shit!" It was getting a bit worrying actually. Tonight she's now hit a really depressive episode. She's spoken to Ade a bit as she's been panicking about what would happen if Keri was on Lime Unit and it was decided she couldn't come back. Ade reassured her it was only temporary. It's nice to know what we aren't being dumped on someone else as usual when things get out of hand with Sally.

Tomorrow could turn out to be mayhem. Simon told Keri this afternoon that the plan is that he's arranging for Keri to be moved on Monday so that's only the day after tomorrow! Keri's planning to just pack the essentials but whether she gets round to being able to pack without Sally going completely mental I don't know. She might resort to the "do as I say or I'm coming out" tac tic. It worked on Monday! It happened so suddenly that Keri dissociated that no one could catch Sally even when they tried. She's not just a jogger, she's a bloody sprinter! Keep calm, Keri. Just keep calm!