Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 23 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 177 - 31st January, Friday

Oh dear. There's no chance of having a peaceful weekend. Keri had her CPA today and it's been decided that next week she's going to be admitted to Lime Unit again, the acute ward that she came from. Until then, she's staying on one to one. Hopefully the whole thing will maintain some safety. Unfortunately it hasn't fully sunk in with Keri yet, which is partly good as it means Sally hasn't really heard what the plan is yet. Everything is going to go terribly wrong now. Keri's panicking that something's going to happen, to the point she actually spent an hour throwing up. Her anxiety just came out of nowhere. Do the staff really think that Keri is going to be able to casually walk 50 yards across the car park to get to the unit without dissociating? That's if she doesn't dissociate before that. Sally is in no mood to be put on a locked ward. If they can actually get her on there then I don't think it's going to be long before she starts emerging during therapy. She's gotten used to the freedom too on this ward, much like Keri has. Being put on an acute ward for an indefinite period of time is going to force her into coming out. At least the rest of us might get a chance too as well if Sally starts letting off steam! Simon and the rest of huge staff have kept emphasising today about how it's only temporary and that her room will stay safe and the way it is until she's able to come back again with lower risk levels and after building up on some unescorted leave. Even so, Sally needs serious help before we can come back!

Keri tried interacting more with the staff as she wanted to stay as distracted as possible. She's trying to stick her head in the sand and pretend none of this is happening. She's spent most of the night unpacking things that Becki brought her today when she came in for the meeting. She's rearranged things, done her washing, cleaned, and also had another binge and vomit episode. Anything to keep herself trying not to think which is a hard thing to do when her mind is racing round and round like a formula one car! Now her focus is back to fasting again. Great. So now she's going to feel weaker again and it'll be hard getting her out of bed again. 

Me, David and Clari all want to go to Lime if it means we can come out for therapy too and even to do day to day things. Keri won't be happy with that as she'll feel out of control because of Sally. She's already annoyed because her Diazepam has been lowered by another 1mg. She wants to keep it to 9mg three times a day and not have anything fiddled about with until she gets back to the unit. She doesn't like the psychiatrist over there, Dr. Wilke. But she was told in her CPA that he seemed to really care and was happy to help out with the situation so Keri's opinion of him has slightly gone up a bit from "He's a dick" to "He's a bit of a dick". Baby steps!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 22 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 176 - 30th January, Thursday

Keri planned on getting up early and actually woke up at 11am, fifteen minutes before her alarm was due to go off. Did she get up? No, she rolled over and decided to go straight back to sleep. She didn't get up until about 1pm. She's completely exhausted! You can tell just by looking at her eyes that even though she's sleeping it isn't refreshing or restful. She'd really like to get back to going to sleep before midnight, getting up early, exercising for a couple of hours, showering and then being ready for the day. Matt went through the blog today and I was hanging around and listening and he mentioned that I should try writing my blog posts earlier so it's about 11.15pm now. Ade asked Keri whether she'd been able to get me to write it earlier and she said she hadn't. She spent ten minutes in her room trying to talk me out! I'll come and do it when I want to! But I have come out earlier, but none of us come out if someone starts clicking their fingers!

Becki visited today with Rob who's a new personal advisor and is shadowing Becki at the moment. Keri said she didn't mind that he could come along today. People need to learn don't they? And he definitely learned a lot from meeting Keri I'm sure! She's... a very interesting person. I don't know of any other way to describe her. Intelligent? Funny? Strong willed? Compassionate? Not fat!? All of the above? Although try telling her that and she will totally blank out the good bits. Becki basically had a chat with Keri about what was happening over the last week, occasionally stopping to fill Rob in on bits he didn't know about. She'll be coming tomorrow as well for Keri's CPA meeting, hopefully with some of Keri's stuff from storage. I don't know how she fits all her stuff in her room. It's like Mary Poppins.

Less than fifteen minutes after Becki and Rob had left, Keri's mum and John arrived to come and visit. They came with cigarettes (which Keri gave them the money for when they got here, she doesn't have leave to get them herself, she's still on one to one and confined to the ward) and some coffee pods for her coffee machine. Good old mochas. They're my favourite coffee! They had a chat, John enjoyed watching a bit of Friends as Fi has given Keri the box set of all the episodes to borrow. Overall it seemed to be a good visit but for some reason Keri was feeling really guilty afterwards and she couldn't figure out what she was feeling guilty for. She also didn't realise why she was feeling upset, or why she wanted to cry. Her mum or John didn't say anything wrong or triggering. Maybe it's still the underlying thing between Keri and her mum. Keri still hasn't forgiven her fully for making her out to be a liar for a couple of years. That triggered off a lot of Keri's more serious symptoms.

Keri spoke to the staff a bit this evening as she's still on one to one which means someone is always there. While Gemma was Keri's "appointed stalker" she spoke to Keri outside and said she wanted to be honest and give Keri warning that even though they'd sorted out the plan for dealing with Sally if they could, there is still a chance people will want Keri moved to a secure hospital because of the amount they're having to keep Keri on one to one observation, they don't have the resources. The silver lining is, IF Keri had to move then as long as there's a vacancy here she'd be able to come back again if risks were lower and things had started settling down. We'll find out the outcome tomorrow. If Keri starts getting too tetchy then I may have to come out for a bit to make sure Keri keeps calm. 

With Keri and Sally still fighting each other, her CPA could end one of two ways. Keri coming out fairly happy with the outcome, or Keri completely losing it, bursting into tears and Sally getting really tetchy. Let's hope for the first one shall we?

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 3 weeks

Written by Fox.

DAY 175 - 29th September, Wednesday

Nana (one of the student nurses on a placement with Fi) managed to actually get Keri up before midday. She definitely showed perseverance and it paid off. Keri was still on one to one so while she went outside to smoke she told Nana that she'd make a brilliant nurse because of her stubbornness! A person who can get Keri out of bed is someone who's definitely hard working! Some staff don't have the energy to even bother trying!

Keri's foster parents visited today and Keri really enjoyed their company. Keri made them some coffee from her machine and they had a long chat, catching up on things going on at home but mainly about what she was going to do about trying to stay out of a secure hospital. It left Keri thinking about it for a long while after her foster parents left. And she swore at herself as she wanted to give Liz her teddy bear back (a little teddy she got from her children saying World's Best Mum on it). Not because she wanted to throw away that special part she's got of her foster mum's but because she doesn't know where she'll move or if she'll stay on the ward and she doesn't want the poor bear getting lost on his travels.

Overall, besides still being confined to the ward on one to one obs, she's actually been in a fairly stable mood. This is partially to do with the fact she had her physical obs done today and has lost more weight. Keri felt like she'd ballooned in size, put on weight, and overall screwed herself up because of her bingeing and vomiting episodes but it turns out she hasn't gained any weight, quite the opposite! To be quite honest, no matter what weight she is, the day she knows she's going to be weighed she always feels like a badly inflated balloon and dreading the moment the scales beep and show her her weight. Because she'd lost weight she decided to treat herself to a small portion of the lasagne without throwing it up afterwards. Then later Fi kindly went out to go and get Keri her binge food which Keri then threw up. She's now fasting again with her motivation going well as she's feeling empty and loving the feeling.

Unfortunately it still doesn't stop the fight between Keri and Sally. Keri's rated her mood today about an average of 3/10, slipping down to about 2.5/10 tonight. She's hallucinating (visual and auditory) again but doesn't realise it, which is never a good thing as sometimes command hallucinations get Keri really worked up and she feels compelled to do what they say (not all the time obviously otherwise someone would've been murdered by now!).

Becki, Keri's mum and John are coming to visit Keri tomorrow. Hopefully Becki has managed to get Keri's stuff from social services storage. Keri's had no reply from her email so is hoping Becki won't turn up with none of her stuff. Becki has lost her mobile phone so email is the only way to contact her at the moment. Keri's mum and John will probably just chat on the ward for a bit with some coffee. Keri will be sending her mum to the supermarket to get her some cigarettes! They can't bring little Amos and take him for a walk as Keri has no leave, plus it would be unfair if he was having to sit in the back of a car for hours.

Keri's mood seems to be dipping again, although Ade has been talking to her while on one to one and he's normally pretty good at trying to distract her. Let's just hope she has some sleep tonight and doesn't wake up feeling even worse in the morning!

So here's the copy of the plan Keri and Gemma drew up if Sally were to come out again so that staff won't have to chase her without success and not even be able to get her by driving around in the ward car! I don't know where the bit about Keri's foster parents comes into it but that doesn't normally have an effect on Sally coming out so I think Keri will talk to the staff about that. Sure, she feels down if she hasn't seen them for weeks but it doesn't trigger off more dissociating!

Sectioned in Hospital - DAY 173 & 174

Written by Fox.

DAY 173 & 174 - 27th & 28th January, Monday & Tuesday 

Like I said at the end of my last post, Sally had started threatening Keri and told her she couldn't have any appointments and wasn't allowed to take any of her medication, so yesterday that's exactly what happened. Keri missed her psychotherapy session with Fiona and also didn't take any of her medication. Even after only missing two doses you could see the anxiety difference. Keri kept rapidly pacing round and round the garden. The staff kept a close eye on her as she'd explained why she wasn't taking any medication and didn't have her appointment with Fiona. They tried to keep her distracted with games, movies etc but nothing seemed to be helping.

Eventually, by about 8pm, her key nurse, Emma, persuaded Keri to take some of her medication, especially the Diazepam. She promised that if Keri dissociated and Sally was to come out then she'd make sure she was kept safe and on the ward and that the staff would deal with it if that scenario were to happen. Emma even said it might be good that Sally comes out as they might be able to talk to her. Obviously, the staff working at the time hadn't met her before...

After taking her morning doses of medication she'd missed we all immediately felt Sally's anger about it. I'll use the phrase Keri uses which is she knew "shit was about to go down". Emma invited her to the staff office to sit with the staff as it was obvious Keri's anxiety had gotten worse after taking the tablets. With the staff unable to distract Keri they hoped that being sat in the office with all the staff would be helpful. It was almost like she was on 4 to 1 observation!

After maybe 20 minutes Sally completely exploded and kicked off while still in the staff office. She walked straight out the door and went for the front entrance. Andy tried to stop her from leaving but Sally shouted and swore at him. Her aggressive demeanor and anger made him back off for a second. I think he was surprised at how different her and Keri were. Their alarms were all set off but that split second Sally managed to grab was enough to be able to open the first door out into the ward entrance. From there all she had to do was press a switch on the wall, open the last door and that was it. Emma realised it was Sally and tried calling her but Sally just turned her head around, screamed "Fuck off!" and then sprinted off; described by a member of staff as a 'bolt of lightning'. She was way too fast for any of the staff to be able to catch her, even though two of the males legged it after her and tried, so instead some staff got into the ward car and drove around for a bit trying to find her. Sally's not stupid, she went off road. She managed to find a bus to take her up near the suspension bridge. This wasn't planned as Sally hadn't expected to have to come out as Keri had been doing as she was told. She let Keri out up by the observatory again.

When Keri found herself standing in the dark, with a cigarette in her hand, completely dead on her feet and exhausted, the only thing that got her walking was knowing the suspension bridge was there. Her muscles were completely seized up and fatigued and part of her knew there was no chance of getting over the fence but she wasn't going to miss the opportunity. She forced herself on to the bridge, but as she reached the middle and tried getting over the fence she couldn't even pull herself up enough to get her feet off the ground. 

Security arrived and one of them held her arm, immediately noticing how unsteady and wobbly she was.

"Have you taken anything you shouldn't have tonight or had any alcohol?" he said. 

Keri shook her head. Even though she said she hadn't, he knew about her DID and suspected an overdose of some kind as he knew about Keri's amnesiac episodes and realised she didn't remember anything until she was up by the observatory. Keri had no fight left in her and started walking with the guard without a struggle. Suddenly her head was swimming and she felt like she was underwater. The next thing she knew she was being lifted from the floor by the two guards. She'd passed out and collapsed. The guards both helped her to their toll booth to get her sat down and got an ambulance and police unit en route to the bridge.

Keri was taken to the BRI in the back of an ambulance with a police escort. She had her bloods taken and was warmed up in a cubicle. Sally came out a couple of times while they were waiting for the blood results to come back. The problem was the officers didn't realise about the personality switches so thought Keri was just deliberately playing up. They had to wait for a couple of hours for her blood work to come back which thankfully showed she hadn't overdosed. They're conclusion about Keri collapsing was that she hadn't eaten for days and through sheer exhaustion her body just gave out. She was told to make sure her fluids and food intake needed to change or it would happen again, except next time she might end up not waking up so quickly.

One of the officers ended up saying some quite hurtful things to Keri which ended up making her cry in the back of the police car. His response was, "Oh, that's right. Bring on the tears." What?! How could he say that after all Keri had been through that night!? He was unbelievable. Her silent crying continued as Keri got to the unit and police even grabbed her arm tightly even though she was walking straight for the door. Staff tried getting her to sit in the lounge on one to one but Keri was too upset. She ended up going to her room. At this point it was no longer silent crying, it was verging on hysterical. It went on for over half an hour with Bernie sat on her chair beside her. I don't think he quite knew what to do. Some of the things he said were meant to be helpful and Keri listened to him but she was crying so much she found it hard to concentrate.

Justin turned up at Keri's door and kneeled down by Keri. He'd brought up her medication. Oh my god! One of them was for her GERD, the other five were psych meds; her Quetiapine, Mirtazapine, Diazepam, Lorazepam and Promethazine. You couldn't even see the bottom of the little paper pot. Keri managed to take them without another Sally fiasco. It was now gone 4am and all Keri wanted to do was lie down but her brain was flying around too much. 

After crying to the point of wanting to collapse again, she smoked, got changed into something dry and warm, and spoke to Bernie. He said that she was going to be on 15 minute obs until she fell asleep, as she'd calmed down a little as the medication had started kicking in, and then from there they'd go back to hourly. She agreed as she needed some space. She put on Taken and ended up falling asleep while lying on her bed. Bernie was kind enough to turn off her TV and fairy lights when he saw that Keri was completely knocked out, mainly down to the amount of medication she'd had.

The staff were kind enough to also leave Keri alone to sleep today besides giving her her medication. She didn't fall asleep until nearly 6am and got up around 2.30pm which is pretty good. She woke up to find out that all her leave had yet again been taken away (which involved writing a shopping list to give to staff to get her binge food for a binge and vomit session). She's also been put back on one to one observation. Keri's mum and a member of staff have said there's no point in Keri being on one to one as Sally still managed to get out while sitting with several members of staff in their office and them setting off the alarms. Although, when Keri spent two weeks on one to one, Sally didn't come out and have a rage so I don't know.

Keri has actually been talking today but she hasn't really wanted to be around people. She had an unexpected visit from her CPN. She's leaving in two weeks. Thanks for the warning Sue! She's yet another person who brought up the subject of Keri being admitted into a secure ward. It's all going to be discussed in her CPA on Friday. Sue will be there anyway, and so will Fiona. Both of which have now spoken about maybe moving Keri would be helpful until Sally's under control.

Who spends over an hour on the phone? Keri and her foster mum is the answer! It really perked Keri up. She was happy to hear the reason her foster mum hadn't been able to visit was that she'd been completely manic for ages. Part of Keri had started wondering whether something had happened or she'd done something wrong. After that conversation, she realised this wasn't true so she no longer had these critical or paranoid thoughts about it all. Hopefully Keri's foster mum can visit tomorrow but if not she'll text Keri to let her know. At least Keri's not one to take things personally when it comes to her foster parents. Everyone else? Well, she'd hold a grudge forever!

Keri's actually been trying to stay calm this evening. She's lying in bed watching The Hobbit. She wants to talk to the staff about how she's feeling but is way too exhausted to have an indepth conversation at this time of night. It's gone 3am! I'm going to get her ready for bed myself otherwise she's never going to do it!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 18 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 172 - 26th January, Sunday

Keri didn't even get up until nearly 4pm! She's never slept in so late. It just goes to show how badly her and Sally are fighting internally at the moment. Sally wants to live Keri's life, Keri wants to be in control. Both of which aren't working out. This explains away Keri's frequent crying episodes, her angry outbursts, her suicidal feelings and her suicidal intent. I hope things start calming down soon but the problem is they're both as bad as each other when it comes to being stubborn. For example, Keri and Matt are stubborn as hell, which Keri has pointed out on numerous occasions to him that it doesn't work out! It's like that with Sally and Keri, both of them unwilling to stand down and compromise. Although even if Keri decided to stand down and compromise, Sally would just use that as fuel and take over instead.

Considering Keri didn't get up until late she hasn't had much of the day to do much. She went to the residents' meeting and not much was said really. Then Keri took her blu-ray player downstairs to put on Skyfall, the latest James Bond film. One of the Matts brought in about five DVDs for Keri to watch and a couple of other patients wanted to watch Skyfall so she decided to take it downstairs for people to watch. She'd have rather been a hermit and stayed in her room but knew that it wouldn't have been a good idea. Her urges to go over the fence are growing again, although they aren't just her urges, they're Sally's too. Sometimes Keri will be co-conscious and find herself doing things without any control over herself and Sally would go over the fence or go out of the door. This doesn't happen very often as normally it's complete amnesia.

Let's hope that things stay calm. Sally hasn't landed Keri in A&E or restrained by police/staff since Keri's been taken off of one to one but it's only a matter of time. It's not because of the CPA, although it doesn't help... The CPA just seems to be planned on a day that's in the middle of chaos. Everyone keep their fingers crossed for us! Keri's hoping to get into contact with her foster parents tomorrow as she misses them. Whether it's a phone call or a text, she's hoping to have a talk. I think it's been a while since she's last seen them. She's got home leave granted but I think there's still complications to do with her kid foster brother, or her foster parents are really busy (sometimes to the point where there's no chance to even sit down all day!).

Edit: Great. Now Sally's started threatening Keri so she doesn't take her medication or go to her appointments. Never ends well.

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 17 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 171 - 25th January, Saturday

Keri woke up quite late again. She didn't go to bed until early this morning. The staff tried repeatedly to get her up but gave up after a while. They knew Keri would get up when she felt she was able to.

I've spent most of the day trying to search for Natalie (one of our oldest alters) and Keri has spent most of the day with her little brother. Jamie cut Keri's hair so that she no longer looked like she had a mop on her head. They chilled out and watched TV, did some shopping in the supermarket, escorted by staff. As far as I'm aware Keri enjoyed his company, although of course I can't say that for certain as I was a bit busy myself. She normally does like him visiting though so I don't see why today would be any different.

Tonight Keri was getting extremely depressed again. She went out to smoke to find Ade and Gemma sat smoking on the bench. In the end they invited her to have a game of Scrabble in the foyer. The game went on for over an hour! Keri lost but she didn't mind. She had her medication an hour late and sat outside with Ade after the game to smoke. He said that Keri seemed a little more alert than yesterday and Keri said it was because of the time she'd spent with staff rather than all her concentration being on Sally and her criticism.

Unfortunately Keri is back in her room again but I'm hoping she'll spend some more time with Ade and Gemma tonight, whether sitting in the office or playing a game with them. The less conversation with Sally the better off we are. Keri's CPA is in 6 days. There's still a 100% probability that Sally will have disappeared by then, at least once, or cut Keri to the point she needs stitches (which isn't helping her iron levels which are already low). 

I'm hoping to find Natalie tomorrow. I'm giving it another shot for Keri's sake. 

TRIGGER WARNING - scars, stitched wound and dressed wounds in the photo.

P.S. Keri's new hair. She's pretty happy with it. One of the bonuses of having a little brother who does hairdressing!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 16 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 170 - 24th January, Friday

Keri's energy levels are actually pitiful. That's down to both her not eating (or eating and making herself sick) and the battle between her and Sally. They're the dominant ones at the moment. I'm sat here wondering how long it'll take before Keri's personality is completely suppressed and Sally takes over as the host personality. That would be terrible if that happened but Keri's losing a lot of strength just doing day to day things let alone doing extra things like visits etc. Her little brother is supposed to visit tomorrow. Keri is really looking forward to it but she's extremely tired. She didn't get up until midday. The only reason she got up was because they were waiting for her to go into ward round, she was the last person that Dr. Harland was due to see.

A few changes happened during her ward round. Her Diazepam dose has been lowered another 1mg so she's now down to 27mg in total during the day. Going well so far. She's been on Alder Unit since 2nd December and has managed to cut down by 3mg. Her observation levels were also changed. She's not on one to one anymore. Not good! I don't like this at all! She's taken a dip dive this evening and has been considering jumping over the fence herself let alone having Sally telling her that it's the best thing to do! She's got a CPA in a week. That's plenty of time for Sally to mess us all up. Let's face it, she's not going to not doing anything for a week if she knows she's got an hour to sneak off or cut Keri's body. Maybe that's what's been causing Keri to cry, she's had more crying episodes tonight; complete 'fuck life, I can't deal with this pain anymore, just kill me' kind of crying. I may not want to die, but I can't stand and watch Keri feel like this. So what do I do? Let her or Sally go and do something or keep trying to give Keri hope that just gets trampled on by Sally?

Keri ended up completely conking out on her bed for half an hour at about 10.15pm. It was almost like her passing out. She wasn't even lying on her bed properly. She was half on her bed with her legs off the bed, weird positioning. She definitely snored though for once! She was in a really deep sleep. Normally if she's snoring then you know she's not having a nightmare and is completely comatose. The problem is she was woken up at 10.45pm as she needed to have her medication so she had been asleep for half an hour. When she first woke up she felt a bit groggy but now she's completely wired and her crying is just... I don't know how to deal with it! How do you stop someone feeling suicidal?! Thankfully, it's nearly 3am and Keri hasn't gotten undressed yet as she's very strongly fighting between her own urges and Sally. I'm very grateful to Ade has gone out with Keri while she's been smoking tonight. Maybe the staff know what she's thinking. She's not talking very much and it's very hard getting even a smile out of her. The staff aren't idiots. She's not officially on one to one anymore but it is down to the nurses' discretion. I don't care whether it's coincidence or whether they're doing it deliberately but thank you for going out with her!

Her psychotherapy appointment consisted of talking about Sally. Fiona actually managed to get Keri down to Woodside which is the outpatient and therapies department. They went to Fiona's art psychotherapy room although Keri did no art, it was all psychotherapy. David had written a letter to Fiona that she'd read which is why most of the appointment was focused on how to deal with Sally. Fiona spoke about secure hospitals and whether it would be an idea to sacrifice two years to spend in a secure ward as it would mean Sally would end up having no choice but to start therapy, even if it started with her just coming out for ten minutes and throwing chairs across the room. Fiona talked about a couple of secure hospitals but the problem is they're quite far away! Plus the downside is that she'd be put in a ward with people with personality disorders. Apparently Keri's psychiatrist has refused the DID diagnosis, even though it's written all over Keri's care plan, treatment plan, admission papers, section papers... I think her psychiatrist sucks. And if Keri went to one of these secure wards she wouldn't get to see her foster carers very often, she wouldn't be able to see her mum very much (which she doesn't want taken away from her) and Fiona would no longer be her psychotherapist. The reason they spoke about secure wards is because they were talking about what Sally could do between now and her CPA in a week. 

Keri went on to our DID page and asked for advice and someone replied with a specialist centre in London that deals specifically with dissociative disorders on the NHS. Keri's doing her research. She wants to be clued up on all these places just in case Sally crosses a line. She's thinking suicide would be a lot easier. Otherwise her choices are bouncing between Alder and Lime Unit, or sacrificing two years before coming back to Alder to stay for another couple of years. It's all been really complicated and I think it's the only way to get Sally out. A lot of people say that she'll come out for therapy when she's ready but that's not going to happen. Keri's thinking "it will" but no. That's unrealistic. Where do we go from here when Sally is just focused on destroying everything? Relationships, leave, obs levels, Keri being able to deal with basic needs... It's just not working! And no one here has any idea how to help before something serious happens! It actually says on Keri's care plan that she's medium risk and death could be caused by "misadventure". Erm, no. For god's sake. Keri didn't have an issue but I do. Death would be caused by suicide. Whoever wrote that is an idiot. That's almost challenging Sally. We don't need anymore complications!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 15 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 169 - 23rd January, Thursday

Well, today wasn't really any different from yesterday. Keri's been up and down and sideways and front ways and back ways... I can't keep up with her mood!

She caught up with Becki today who visited today. She's coming every Thursday now. Keri let her know about the stuff that's happened since she visited last week. She told Keri to email her with anything Keri wants from the storage unit in social services. Keri's wondering whether there's much point. She's been told to live a day at a time, not to plan anything so she's under no pressure and try to get her basic needs met. She can't really do that until someone gets through to Sally, which at the moment is hard as Keri and Sally are both agreeing secretly on suicide plans. It sucks when that happens. I don't want to die, but when Sally's at the forefront, there's not much we can do.

Keri's mum and her partner came to visit today. They spent time chatting, drinking coffee, all that kind of stuff. They didn't bring Amos today as Keri doesn't have any unescorted leave so it wouldn't have been fair for him to be sat in the boot of the car for hours. Keri was fairly okay besides the fact she was in tears before they arrived, pulled herself together and then burst into tears again once they'd left. Something is seriously triggering off Keri's depression and I can't think what it is. Keri had a think with Matt when he read the blog but she couldn't think of anything either. It's getting really hard for all of us! The problem is Keri's been pretending to be okay for the last couple of days so she can try and get out with Sally to commit suicide. And I think she's actually being successful in fooling the staff. 

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 2 weeks

Written by Fox.

DAY 168 - 22nd January, Wednesday

Today's been a roller coaster of extremes. Keri's either been laughing her head off or curled up on her bedroom floor crying so hard that it hurts. There hasn't been an in between.

Keri's still on one to one but was able to get some escorted leave to the supermarket to update her diet coke stash. I think a bit of time off the ward did her a little good but it definitely got her heart pumping. She tried keeping herself distracted by chatting to Matt but it didn't help her. She kept her face looking calm though.

Now it's late evening, Keri's very depressed. She ate more popcorn and chocolate and threw it up, then panicked and exercised away more calories, then cried some more, pretended to be happy or Clarissa is coming out when Keri is around staff while smoking (if Clari noticed Keri was past the point of being able to 'put her face on'), cried some more... I think me coming out to do the blog at least gives her body a break from the exertion it takes for Keri to cry the way she's doing. And you know what? There's no one around to see it while she's in her room like that, so no one knows how agonised she feels inside. It breaks my heart as I know I can't do anything to help.

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 13 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 167 - 21st January, Tuesday

Well, what can I say, Sally paid a visit today although there were a few times while she was taken by two staff to A&E that she almost came out. You could tell from Keri's posture, the pained expression on her face, the hyperventilating (which went on constantly for over three hours), the kicking walls, fists clenched and punching walls, refusing to sit anywhere near anyone and stand by the wall, pacing up and down... Need I go on? Sally had cut Keri's arm again and she needed to go and get stitches. Clive made sure the car doors were locked on the way back to the unit so maybe the staff are able to predict when risks are higher as Sally was planning to jump out at a traffic light. I do have to say that Fi (one of the students who started yesterday) seems like she'll be a very good nurse. She was calming to Keri, and so was Clive. Keri hasn't had much interaction with Clive but he was very supportive as it was clear how difficult it was for Keri to even be in the hospital. They made sure that most of the time both staff were there as Clive did say to the receptionist that it was a delicate situation (although Keri didn't hear anything as she kept going into dissociative trances).

She was back to fasting today but after losing a lot of blood and feeling wobbly, by the time she got back she asked Fi to get her £5 worth of chocolate and she was going to microwave a couple of packets of popcorn which is exactly what she did. Unfortunately she then spent the last of her energy making herself sick as she felt so guilty about eating all of it. Now her body is totally drained. Keri's asked Viv to hand over to the morning staff not to wake her before midday if she's not up before then as she's so desperate to get some sleep and hide under her duvet. Unless you experience it yourself you don't know how draining it is. It's literally like running a marathon with no fuel to help you run.

David has written a letter for Fiona for her psychotherapy appointment on Friday. I don't know what it says and neither does anyone else. Keri doesn't even know that the letter exists so David will probably leave it on her desk about five minutes before Fiona is due to arrive for the appointment.

Keri's still on one to one but I think it's being reviewed again tomorrow. The problem is, if she's on one to one, Keri will end up being cut up by Sally. If she's not on one to one Sally will quite happily either slip out the door when no one is looking or climb the garden fence. What kind of choice does that leave Keri or the staff? Unfortunately, because she's hardly even in the early stages of treatment, Keri can't control the dissociating. That's the thing that most upsets Keri. She doesn't like feeling out of control.

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 12 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 166 - 20th January, Monday

Tomorrow is not going to be a good day. Sally's paying a visit. That's all I can say.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 164 & 165

Written by Fox.

DAY 164 & 165 - 18th & 19th January, Saturday & Sunday

Keri's got her sleeping pattern all out of sync again. She was actually doing quite well and getting up before midday every day but has suddenly slipped back into old habits. I think she'll try again tomorrow but she's had a hard couple of days, I think her body actually needs the sleep and don't think the staff should be trying to wake her except perhaps to give her medication or she has an appointment. I don't think they realise just how draining dissociating is, or even having to fight all day feeling switchy. 

Yesterday when she was feeling switchy in the evening she took her blu-ray player downstairs to the main lounge and borrowed a couple of DVDs that one of the Matts had brought in. That kept her partially distracted although she still found it very hard. The bank nurse that was there actually turned around and said how relaxing the unit was and that he'd never been paid to sit for two hours to watch television! (He was Keri's one to one nurse at the time). 

I was quite worried that Sally would hurt Keri last night as she's still a ticking time bomb. Luckily that didn't happen and Keri was actually in bed before 3am! Even though she went to bed earlier than normal she still couldn't get herself out of bed before midday today. Being on her own in her room makes these unknown voices she hears and her visual hallucinations worse. The problem is, half the time Keri doesn't even realise they aren't real so doesn't think to ask the staff for help. Although she's had to spend time in her room as her motor and vocal tics have been getting worse and she gets embarrassed when they happen in front of other people. Normally she's able to keep them suppressed and then have a complete fit of them in her bedroom, but now they've got to the point where she can't hide them very well. She's had them all her life, and it's genetic as some of her family have motor tics too, although they aren't as extreme as Keri's, in fact they're hardly noticeable at all and you wouldn't know they had them if you didn't point them out. That's mainly down to do with stress and anxiety associated with her DID. One of her GPs (when she was younger) was going to refer her to someone she knew that dealt with treatment for Tourette's Syndrome but it was never followed up.

Unfortunately my thought about Sally hurting Keri last night turned out to be right, except the timescale was wrong. It ended up happening around 5.30 this evening. The wound needed stitches but the bloody nurse used skin links when Matt took her to the Urgent Care Centre! The wound glue makes her skin come up in rashes. This is listed as an allergy on her records but obviously wasn't paid attention too. Plus the skin links are useless anyway. The wound isn't even properly together in the middle! It really annoys me when they don't stitch Keri up. She only goes to the hospital when she needs stitches and Julie, who was doing triage, said that she needed them. It was purely on the fact that stitching would take too long and people wanted to go home. Selfish imbeciles.

Another highlight which has gotten Keri fuming is that Garry (the nurse that treated Keri) said that a rule was going to be put in place that the unit would have to send any self harmers to an A&E department. The nearest A&E department is roughly 40 minutes away! The Urgent Care Centre is about 10 minutes! With much lower waiting times. Keri was outraged and said it was total discrimination. She quoted a quote given to her by Mike (a nurse who knows her very well there) when she complained to him about a nurse refusing to give her treatment as 'it would take too long'. He said "The only thing you need to say is that it clearly says in the NMC guidelines that you can't refuse me medical treatment unless I'm aggressive, violent or intoxicated". He said as soon as the NMC guidelines were mentioned then nurses would get a bit hot under the collar. She's planning to ring the hospital tomorrow and see if Mike is working to ask about this new rule and to help her write a letter of complaint about the fact it's mental health discrimination. Good on her. Although she's too occupied with Sally at the moment to have her mind wander very much further than the shouting in her ears.

It's Monday tomorrow so that might mean Keri is being taken off one to one observation, although I doubt that's going to be stopped right now. It's been over a week. I'd say it is good for her to be on one to one because it lowers Keri's risk (which is really high at the moment because she's lacking any form of hope, the forefront of her thoughts is still suicide though I doubt she'll mention that to staff) but it does make Sally get revved up. Keri tried unescorted leave today too but had to rush back after getting her stuff. She started getting a headache in the store and she told Matt this while he walked with her. She really struggled and had to resort to having extra medication when she got back on the ward.

One last thing, Keri fasted for 7 days and something like 15 hours. She ate within a two hour time slot and has started another fast again, until tomorrow during her next two hour time slot (basically where she eats what she wants)... After that she'll be fasting for another 7+ days. She gets weighed tomorrow for her physical obs. God help us all!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 9 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 163 - 17th January, Friday

Keri really didn't want to get up today but was woken up by loud knocking from Clive telling her that her medication was ready. Keri forced herself up and hadn't realised that it was nearly midday which meant she needed to get herself sorted for her ward round, even though part of her was wondering what the point was going to be in going. It actually turned out a lot more constructive than she thought. She's still on one to one observation but she's been given back some escorted leave over the weekend. As long as there's no incidents then hopefully they can work on building up her unescorted leave. Her dose of Pantoprazole for her GERD has been changed from the morning to the evening to see if that helps Keri's worsening acid reflux situation. Her Diazepam has been dropped another 1mg. She was on 30mg a few weeks ago and now she's managed to get down to 28mg. The manager suggested working with him to form some kind of contract about boundaries and acceptable behaviour. Sally will do anything to sabotage that but Keri's spoken to us and she's happy to sign one, so am I, so is Clarissa and so is David. That's a start at least.

The staff have been trying to keep Keri's spirits up today and have been doing so quite well actually. In ward round she was asked to rate her mood between 1 and 10 (1 being I'm going to the bridge, 10 being life is great). Keri said 10. They actually believed her! Are these people fools? She's barely scraped herself onto a 2! At times her mood has fluctuated between 2 and 3 but is now rested on a 2 this evening. The problem is that Keri is very good at putting on false laughs and a smile. One of the staff decided to try and find humour in Keri's one to one observation and made a hat which was called 'The Bonnet of Observation'. It's for Keri's 'appointed stalker' (like she calls them) to wear as a novelty thing. Some of the staff aren't into it. Justin has refused to wear it tonight! Outrageous really. But it's better to find the laughs in it, otherwise you'd just cry.

Keri had her psychotherapy session with Fiona and Keri chatted a lot, it seemed like she'd never stop talking. I think the whole one to one thing is actually being beneficial to her as it's helping to encourage her to talk about her feelings and what's distressing her rather than hiding in her room, sneaking down for a cigarette while staff are in the office and then sneaking back upstairs again with no interaction with anyone. Fiona noted how Keri seemed a little more perky today but that's just Keri, her mood is so extremely changeable that it's crazy. One minute you'd think she was high on drugs, the next she'd be crying in the corner cuddling a teddy and not knowing why.

The highlight of today has got to be Keri's brother visiting. Jamie got the train to Bristol and walked to the hospital to visit her. Keri had managed to get her escorted leave sorted and went with Matt, who was well informed of her plan to take Jamie out to buy him his birthday present. She wanted to get him an iPad and a case. He didn't even realise it was for him until she was at the counter! Keri was quite sly and was getting his opinion on cases etc so she could buy what he wanted without him even realising that was why she was asking so many questions! He's absolutely amazed with his new gadget and is really grateful to Keri. She got a lot of hugs for that! When they got back from leave Keri sent Jamie upstairs as she had a slight blip getting very panicky while they were in the supermarket so she had some extra medication. She was seriously shaking. Even Jamie noticed when she got up to her room, her hand was all over the place while she was trying to drink her coke! Luckily the Lorazepam calmed her down and she helped Jamie set up his iPad. They managed a few games of Just Dance on Keri's Wii before he had to leave to go and get the train back to Taunton again. He's hoping to be able to visit weekly from now on. I really think this would be good for Keri. They're relationship has just gotten better and better since Keri finally realised he wasn't a demon!

She's feeling quite restless at the moment but hopefully she'll be able to sleep. She was almost on the verge of fainting at one point as her and Jamie were really getting into the dancing game. It was quite strenuous on Keri's poor little body when she hasn't had any food since Sunday! The staff aren't bothering trying to spend ages persuading Keri to eat. They're all well aware that she's fasting until Monday. She may have only been on this ward a short time but they've realised how strong willed she is, especially when it's in regards to food. Her plan is to eat on Monday and Tuesday evening, a four hour time slot where she can eat what she wants, then go back to fasting again. Whether she actually eats on Monday is another thing. She hates herself whenever she's weighed. Even if she's lost weight she still thinks 'I need to lose more'. The silver lining to this is that because she's not eating she hasn't self harmed. There's been times where she's felt like it but she hasn't actively done it. Well done Keri for that at least!

And to reveal... The Bonnet of Observation! Being worn by Keri's 'appointed stalker' at the time.

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 8 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 162 - 16th January, Thursday

Considering Keri didn't even manage to settle into bed until nearly 6am this morning the staff didn't try getting her out of bed. She'd kept herself awake to see when the staff received their phone call, which they never received. The only reason the staff eventually coaxed her out of bed was because of the fact Keri had an appointment with Becki at 2pm. They woke her just after 1pm. Keri got up as Becki has to travel about an hour to see Keri so doesn't like cancelling her appointments with her at such short notice.

Her visit was quite good. Keri enjoyed Becki's company. They're hoping that they'll still be able to work together until Keri's 25. Normally, if a young person isn't in education then their personal advisor has to stop working with them when they're 21. But because of Keri's exceptional circumstances we're hoping that rule won't be in place as it's adding unnecessary pressure on Keri's shoulders. Gemma and Becki spent a while talking alone with each other afterwards so Keri wandered off to smoke and then go to her room.

Keri's mainly been in her room. She feels very isolated from everyone and is still hallucinating, more regularly. She's now having trouble trusting the staff as they're turning around and saying that the things she's hallucinating aren't actually there. She doesn't know whether to believe them, most of her thinks the staff are trying to trick her. She told them that five guys were outside the ward and Matt decided to go dancing outside in the car park outside her window to try and prove to her that the group of men she was seeing wasn't real. Fail. She's also been lying down a lot as this is the end of her fifth day of fasting so she's feeling pretty weak. She's still determined to continue though as she set her date for at least a week of fasting. 

Keri did actually have some good times today. I think after her crying yesterday it's taken a little steam out of the pressure cooker so to speak. But she's gone downhill again this evening, it's always the dark that starts her off. She did try and be with other patients. They had a group in the evening and for most of it another patient was telling terrible jokes! I mean they were so terrible that you just had to laugh. That helped Keri a bit trying to focus on things that weren't so negative. We're all hoping she'll take up horse riding again at her old stables so that she has something to focus on. The unit is willing to fund her riding lessons too which we only found out today.

Hopefully Keri is able to be granted some escorted leave tomorrow. She wants to take her little brother to tesco so they can get off the unit and do a bit of shopping. Unfortunately it'll mean a staff member following her around but at least she'll get out and the staff are there if something goes wrong, which can be likely with Keri's state of mind at the moment. Keri may still be intent on suicide but she's had a lot of one to one sessions because of her one to one observation and there have been times where there's been tiny tiny little sparks of possible hope that have lit and disappeared. Keri may not feel it but that hope is in there somewhere. I just hope she and Sally don't do anything stupid before Keri realises she's still got strength inside her.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 160 & 161

Written by Fox.

DAY 160 & 161 - 14th & 15th January, Tuesday & Wednesday (23 weeks)

Keri's now finished her fourth day of fasting. She's had no food at all since Saturday night. She's found an app for her phone called Fasting Secret which basically records weight, has a timer to encourage fasts and marks trends on a graph. Keri had her obs done again today. She only had them done on Monday but in two days she's lost 0.7kg. Now she's determined not to eat, although I have to say over the last couple of days she has had no appetite.

She's still on one to one observation while out of her room. She's hopefully going to be able to go to the supermarket with Simon, the manager, tomorrow but it depends how Keri is. She's not in the best place. She started hearing those unknown voices again and spent most of her time in her room again yesterday. For the last couple of days she's been rocking constantly and pacing, the faster the pacing the worse her state of mind is getting.

Keri ended up breaking down this evening. Her hallucinations of five guys were around. They were shouting up at her from the front of the building up at her window that if she didn't run away from the unit and kill herself then someone else was going to die tonight instead, someone she cares about. She genuinely thinks this is real. Ade and Gemma spent a lot of time with her while she looked so upset. Temporary two to one obs. That was just a short time until they could calm Keri down enough to get some medication and to talk one on one with Gemma. They were in the clinic talking for ages with Keri crying constantly. It's like the pressure cooker thing. Once she started crying she couldn't stop, then she started blurting out everything that was on her mind and about what she'd been told by the guys who said either she dies or a loved one does. She even saw the guys over by the fence while she was out with the two staff smoking.

Viv has tried to explain to Keri that the "someone dying" thing is just a thought process but Keri's having none of it. Whenever Keri sees the staff she keeps asking whether anyone has rung. She's even been texting people she cares about who've messaged her after seeing her Facebook status about the fact she was terrified a loved one was going to die and she didn't want a phone call tonight. She's been given all her medication, and then some more. She's completely knackered but is forcing herself to stay awake as she doesn't want to be asleep when someone rings to say someone's died, which isn't going to happen. If it does then that's going to be complete coincidence.

Let's hope someone can get through to her so she can get some sleep tonight. She's got plenty if opportunity to talk while on one to one!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 5 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 159 - 13th January, Monday

Well, it's Monday, which means it's physical obs day! Keri's obs were a bit odd considering she's not been eating. Matt did her obs in the end. He noted how shallow her breathing was so her resp rate was slightly elevated. Her oxygen sats were perfect. Her blood pressure was getting a bit on the low side. Her temperature was elevated, still within the normal range but on the high end. She didn't feel feverish. If anything she felt the complete opposite! Her pulse was over 100 as usual. Her peak flow was 300, it should be above 400 at least. She was also weighed. Her plan is to fast until her next weigh in, which will be in a week when all the physical obs are done again. She also had blood taken for various reasons. I think Matt was just ticking random boxes!

So this is day 2 of Keri's fast and she's feeling very drained and getting severe abdominal pains. Normally, people would eat at that stage but Keri? It makes her even more stubborn to not eat and force herself through it. Apparently the first three days are the hardest or something like that. I don't know. Keri's the expert on all the food stuff. I personally love food, especially when it's cooked by our foster mum. I don't care about calories! Is it a crime to eat food? Well, according to Keri it is!

There were a mass of phone calls today trying to sort out management. Her observation levels have had to be kept the same; hourly checks while she's in her room and one to one whenever she's out of her room. All her leave is still suspended so Simon kindly went and got Keri some nesquik and diet coke from Tesco before he left to go home. That was nice of him.

I'm afraid I have to say it's a good job Keri's observation levels weren't changed! It was early evening and complete dark outside and Keri started hearing unknown voices. I don't know what these voices were as I'd never heard them! Plus they weren't coming from our house in Keri's head. They were coming from external things and telling Keri to kill herself, that she was worthless, that she needed to die, that if she didn't do it then someone she loves will get hurt. In the end these unknown voices (presumably auditory hallucinations) got Keri building up like a pressure cooker. Normally Keri wouldn't leave the unit if she didn't have permission but after frantically pacing out in the garden with cigarettes and Andy trying to talk to her to see if he could help, she walked straight inside through a different door to Andy and walked straight out of the front of the unit. She speed walked down the pavement and was clutching at her head shouting for these voices to shut up.

As soon as the staff saw her leave they tried calling her but she couldn't hear them over the noise. Just as she was close to getting off the grounds, two of the staff from Alder ran up to her and stood in front of her to stop her going any further. Keri was staring at the ground, listening to these voices, unresponsive to anything the staff were trying to say to her. She just stood there hyperventilating, moving from one foot to the other, completely disconnected. She was in the same state she gets in if she's found wandering aimlessly across railways without even realising she was on any.

After several minutes the staff seemed to get through to Keri that they weren't going to let her go any further. Adam was waiting at the unit to see if he could help when they managed to get Keri back. They did eventually get her walking back to the unit, still clutching at her head and not quite realising where she was walking. If a car had started driving towards her then the staff would've had to pull her out of the way. She was completely gone. 

Instead of sitting in one of the small lounges like she was told as the staff took her inside, she made her way to her room, still clutching at her head because of the noise. Adam followed her upstairs and Keri sat on her bed rocking back and forth and crying. 

"God, I just wish there was something I could do Keri," he said. "You look so distressed at the moment and I know things are really hard going for you right now."

While Adam talked, Keri started listening partially to what he was saying.

"I... need to go," she suddenly said while Adam was mid-sentence.

"Keri, we can't let you go," he said.

"They won't stop talking!" she cried. "They won't stop until I'm dead!"

"Are they pressuring you into doing these things?" Adam asked sympathetically.

With a sad glance at him she nodded. He got her some medication and Keri went down to smoke. Two staff stood outside with her while she paced up and down. They were well aware that Sally could jump the fence in a flash, so assumed Keri could do. Keri was too revved up and probably would've been able to get over as easily as Sally normally did.

Keri absconded at about 7.30pm. An hour after her Diazepam and 15 minutes after having additional medication, Lorazepam. After she was brought back she was then given - in the space of two hours - another dose of Lorazepam, Promethazine, Quetiapine, another one of her Diazepam doses and Mirtazapine. Give it 40 minutes and she'll be back downstairs having her sleeping tablet! Why is this girl not unconscious right now? 

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 4 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 158 - 12th January, Sunday

Keri was actually up before midday! She wanted to go back to sleep but her headache had gotten pretty bad. Her depression was telling her not to get up. She's still suicidal but doesn't want to do anything while she's on one to one observation. Sally hasn't come out today but Keri's head has just been getting worse and worse. If she doesn't come out this evening then it's got to be tomorrow or something. There's only so long Sally can control herself before she explodes.

Because of her headache and feeling tense, Keri's started rocking quite a lot and pacing around quite quickly. There's a lot of nervous energy that she needs to let out but she still feels tired. She doesn't went to pace yet does anyway because she can't help it. She'd prefer to be sat in her room watching movies, huddled in bed rather than feeling compelled to sit there rocking back and forwards.

Keri's illness that she had yesterday has triggered off her disordered eating again. She had a nice hot meal last night when her stomach stopped rejecting all food but then woke up this morning and decided this was the time she was going to get back down to her 'target weight'. She's even gotten to the point where she's going on a forum promoting disordered eating behaviours. She's been a member since last year but forgot about it when her eating wasn't so bad. Now she's back on it and has already joined a group of people who are going to start a fast tomorrow. Keri's already fasted today so she's getting in a head start there. I don't want her becoming really underweight again. She's already been on the brink of fainting today! Luckily she's stuck to Guitar Hero and hasn't started all her exercise yet.

Keri had a one to one with Matt and they went through my blog. Then Matt decided to have a go on Keri's Guitar Hero! He's never played it before and didn't get through a single song without getting booed off stage which I found quite funny. Giving him credit though, he did pretty well considering he's never played it before! But still terrible. That's the basis of Keri's exercise at the moment, standing up for so long though makes her dizzy. If the physiotherapist turns up tomorrow there's no way she's going to be able to take Keri to the gym to do her exercises, that's if she can get Keri to say yes anyway! Does the almost-fainting urge Keri to eat something? No. She sees it as a sign that she's doing well and losing weight. WHY CAN'T SHE UNDERSTAND SHE IS NOT FAT. She's either starving herself or deliberately making herself sick. Can't we find a happy medium? Apparently not. 

Hopefully we'll have good news tomorrow whatever comes out of this review thing. Everyone's still unclear about what on earth is going on with Keri, her placement and her obs levels. That'll be interesting tomorrow if she gets her leave all given back. May as well give Sally a free ticket to do what she wants and give Keri a suicide ticket. They can't keep her on this level of obs permanently though. It totally defeats the object of a rehabilitation unit. If the worst comes to the worst she'll be sent back to either the acute ward or the secure ward. 

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 3 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 157 - 11th January, Saturday

Keri didn't even get out of bed until nearly 4pm. Unfortunately her stomach wasn't good and she was spending most of her time throwing up in her toilet. She felt better by the evening but she had to get some fluids inside her due to all the vomiting. 

When she finally went downstairs she found out from the staff that the manager (one higher up than the manager of Alder Unit) had been in touch. The police don't want yet another missing person report and to prevent this happening, Keri has to be kept on one to one observation whenever she's downstairs. This may be invading Keri's privacy but the choice is partly being taken out of the staff's hands at the moment. Sally's quite annoyed with the obs level. It won't necessarily stop her disappearing but it makes it slightly less likely. According to staff, if Keri left the unit (technically Sally would've left) then they'd set of their alarms and arrange for a PMVA team to take Sally to one of the seclusion units. For those that don't know, PMVA means the Prevention and Management of Violence and Aggression. Hopefully it doesn't get to that point but Sally might test her luck on that one. I feel so sorry for Keri if that happened. She would find herself in a strange secluded room, locked in, not knowing how or why she was there. It would be made worse if the nurses dealing with her were completely DID ignorant!

All her leave has been cancelled too. No unescorted leave, not even any escorted leave with staff. She's confined to the unit. Looks like their 'positive risk taking' idea doesn't seem to be being used at the moment!

Keri had a DVD evening with the staff today. They finished watching Yes Man and then watched the first Hangover movie. It was just her and the three staff. The other patients all seem to have disappeared. They're probably tired from their trip that they had to Weymouth yesterday. It's been very quiet. Although there's only 6 patients here at the moment; 4 on leave, 2 technically discharged.

With a headache starting up, it's probably good that her obs level is the way it is. It's now after 1am and I wouldn't usually write so late but I like doing my blog posts. It's weird as there's 3 members of staff working tonight. That hasn't happened since Keri arrived! Must be another management thing. Even when Keri's been brought back by police, even if still dissociated as Sally, there was still only ever two staff working. It's odd. Nothing has really been explained very well but as long as the weekend goes by without any incident, maybe we'll find out what's happening when they have another review meeting about Keri on Monday; whether we are invited to that meeting or not is still unclear.

Well, better let Keri back out. She's keeping herself well distracted but her headache keeps reminding her of things that could potentially happen and she's worrying about it. So far she hasn't told the staff. I hope she does by the time she goes to bed. There's some things that are fine being kept secret but when a trigger warning like her headaches start up then she needs to tell people about it.

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 2 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 156 - 10th January, Friday

Another late morning though I can't say I really blame Keri. Her hallucination of a non-existent crying baby kept her up most of the night. She didn't get to sleep properly until gone 7.30am, then the staff had to wake her up before 12pm so she could speak to Dr. Harland. Less than 4 hours sleep and Keri's spent half the day trying not to just go to bed. Now it's gone midnight and she's wide awake! I took the opportunity to have a cigarette before writing the blog and the body feels tired. I think it's Keri's mind that's racing a mile a minute that's keeping her awake.

She had a one to one with Dr. Harland instead of going into a ward round. I think she seems a nice woman. She definitely seems willing to learn more about DID so that Keri can be kept on this ward rather than be moved. There were a few moments where Keri just thought "well, what you said is just crap" but not as many moments as I thought there would be considering it's only the third time Keri's met with her.

Matt and Keri both reviewed my blog post from yesterday. Keri's not happy because she knows I'm honest about things that she'd like to keep quiet. For instance, the staff didn't know that if Keri seems unusually perky or happy that is normally quite a bad sign. Now they know. Which has also led to Keri's unescorted leave being taken away from her for the weekend. Let's face it, if Sally's going to walk out and help Keri with her suicide, she's going to walk out. Keri doesn't have the guts to leave without permission unless extremely distressed but Sally couldn't give a damn about the consequences. If I'm honest Keri would probably be glad if Sally got her to that remote bridge again. The downside to this is that it does take a while to get up there, even if Sally gets Keri up there without getting lost. At least the staff know that Keri understands her leave has been taken away so if they see her walk out the door then she'll have dissociated. God help them if they call "Keri" back inside the unit again!

Keri's psychotherapy session was actually quite constructive. Keri doesn't even have to express her depression or suicidality in words anymore, you can just tell by her posture. Her psychotherapist noted how unusually tense Keri looked compared to most of the other times they've had appointments together. People have been talking a lot about hope and stuff today and Keri's just not interested. Dr. Harland actually asked Keri whether she'd considered jumping off that bridge when she last ran away when there was no trains coming, the answer was an obvious yes. It appears, according to Keri's psychotherapist, that looking at the video that was recorded Keri had actually been sitting on that bridge for a while, not just the fifteen minutes we'd thought. She talked about how she'd been sitting perched on the edge just staring down at the tracks and how peaceful they were. Her psychotherapist said that it's possible Keri could've slipped into some kind of dissociative or trance-like state so that a lot of time went by but Keri didn't even realise. Put it this way, she was so fixated on that track she didn't even notice when a group of police officers gathered behind her did she?!

With spending a lot of time in her room, Keri's been struggling to stay awake so her key nurse, Emma, suggested getting one of her DVDs and putting it on in the main lounge and watch it with the staff. Most of the patients had gone on a day trip to Weymouth. Besides Keri, there were only two other patients on the ward, both of which were in their room a lot of the time. It was unusually quiet.

It's weird hearing Keri and Sally talking together at the moment because they're actually agreeing with each other! Agreeing on the wrong thing I'll admit that much, but they aren't arguing. That's one stressor gone. Although I prefer it when they're arguing, at least it shows Keri's got a bit of fight in her. She's playing on her guitar hero at the moment on her Wii. It's gone midnight and suddenly Keri's no longer tired. How the hell does that work? She needs something to be able to slow her mind down, although with the amount of medication she's on you'd think it would've been slowed down to the point she was a zombie... At least playing on her wii is keeping her distracted. So far, no hallucinated baby cries. Bonus.

Quick note, we still haven't heard anything back from the meeting that happened on Wednesday. The police haven't visited to talk to Keri and the ward manager. I'm probably right in assuming we probably won't know much about it until Monday. Everyone skives on a weekend!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 1 day

Written by Fox.

DAY 155 - 9th January, Thursday

Keri had no chance of getting up early this morning. She had such a bad headache she could barely even open her eyes. One of the staff brought her medication up for her and she stayed with her face buried in her pillow until Becki turned up at the door for their appointment. It was 1pm and Keri told her to come in. After making a couple of coffees, Keri tried to keep her eyes open but really struggled. Just before Becki was due to leave Keri's headache suddenly disappeared which confused Keri a bit. Sally didn't do anything. She's messing with Keri's head to see if she can get Keri to do something herself. There's only so much talking the staff can do with Keri during the day, but at night? Sally's got Keri all to herself to chat to constantly. Any hope she builds during the day soon gets beaten back down again. It's no wonder Keri's suicidal.

She wanted leave to Tesco and the staff said nothing about her not going so she assumed it was perfectly fine. Keri was taking quite a risk. Even though her headache had disappeared, Sally had sometimes decided to jump out unexpectedly without any warning. Luckily, while she was stood outside the supermarket finishing her cigarette, Matt turned up as he was grabbing a few things himself. In the end Keri and Matt shopped together just in case something triggered Keri off. I'm really glad that he did that as there was a point where they passed a group of children and Keri felt a bit shaky.

She's even hallucinating again today, although she's convinced that what she's been hearing is real. She keeps hearing a baby crying. This is one of the noises that Keri gets really upset by and she's convinced that it's real. There's no doubt in her mind. There's no point with David trying to argue with her about it as there's no point. I just hope that hearing this crying baby is just the worst it gets and that she doesn't end up getting really badly unwell again.

Weirdly, Keri was very perky and chatty this evening. She was smiling laughing and joining in with banter, even teasing staff while sitting with them in the staff office. I'm really worried. For anyone that knows her, if she suddenly seems very happy it's a bad sign. Normally it means that she's finally made a decision about suicide or something similar. The spot Keri managed to find last time she ran away is really playing on her mind as she knows how remote it was. I'm just going to keep wishfully thinking that neither her or Sally will do anything. It was mainly Keri last time but now Sally knows where this place is she might get Keri there herself (Sally's navigational memory is a lot better than Keri's is). She's got an appointment with Fiona tomorrow anyway so maybe a bit of psychotherapy will help? As long as she doesn't cancel the appointment like she did on Monday! I think the police might be possibly be visiting as well but I'm not too clear about that.

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months (22 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 154 - 8th January, Wednesday

Keri was up at 8 this morning! She even had her morning medication at 8.15 after an espresso! It's shocking really. She's absolutely exhausted. This evening before it hit 8pm she ended up falling asleep while watching TV and got up at 10.15pm so she was a bit more awake. She tried so hard to stay awake all day but in the end her energy just disappeared and she was asleep before her head even hit the pillow.

Keri's CPA for today? Keri was hanging around waiting for nearly 2 hours to be called in and it turned out that it turned into more than just a CPA and she never got called in! We hated it! We don't like big meetings where everyone just talks behind our back! She managed to sit with her foster mum for a bit afterwards who told her there had been about 13 people in the meeting, including 4 police officers. They even watched the video that the helicopter had recorded the last time Keri went missing, so the staff and Keri's foster mum saw it all. It was when Keri was perched at the edge of a railway bridge. I'm getting quite confused as three people have now asked Keri what she dropped down onto the railway track. Did she drop something? Not that I can recall! Unless maybe you count a cigarette butt as Keri was smoking while waiting for a train (she thought it made her feel warmer but of course that's just psychological). 

In the next couple of days Keri's going to be having a meeting with the ward manager and a couple of police officers. Now Keri's panicking as she woke up with such a terrible headache this evening, she can barely even open her eyes because of the pain. The last thing she wants is another incident taking place before she sees these officers! No self harm today unless you count the fact Keri's been thrashing her head against her bedrooms wall to try and get the voices out of her head. That's left a bruise. No one has complained as she's the only patient on the female wing so banging against the wall doesn't bother anyone.

Depression and panic pretty much describes Keri's evening. I'm worried about how much the unit is going to be handle before Keri's sent back to Lime Unit. Keri said to Matt after he'd come to speak to her outside that if she was sent to ECH then it would completely destroy her (that's in the literal sense). While this was happening Simon came out playing MC Hammer again... I think that's his new theme song. At least it made Keri smile.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 152 & 153

Written by Fox.

DAY 152 & 153 - 6th & 7th January, Monday & Tuesday

***TRIGGER WARNING***

References to types of self-harm occurring within the last 24 hours.

Keri didn't get a peaceful night of sleep on Friday. She tried to settle but it didn't work. Then the fire alarm went off at 3.15am because a fellow insomniac went and burnt some toast! That was interesting as Keri and the other female patient walked down from the female wing with the other patient wearing only her underwear wrapped in a towel! In the end they didn't need to evacuate the building.

Yesterday Keri cancelled her psychotherapy appointment plus her physio appointment. Fiona actually text Keri and said, "that's unlike you, is it because it's raining?" What?! Why would Keri cancel an appointment over a bit of rain? She cancelled everything because she was too depressed to do anything. All she wanted to do was be in her room.

She managed half an hour of unescorted leave as her leave has been given back to her. She didn't want to risk going out for an hour just for the sake of it as she was feeling a little dodgy. She managed about 15 minutes today too although her co-key nurse, Gemma, was a bit against Keri going out as it was starting to get dark. In the end Keri managed to wangle 15 minutes and Gemma said she trusted her. That shopping Keri did was like supermarket sweep! She was running up and down the aisles like a maniac. At one point she was very close to dissociating because there was a crying baby in one aisle. If any noise distresses Keri, the first and foremost is the sound of a crying child. It sends a shiver right down her spine. She made it back within the 15 minutes though, which is lucky as 10 minutes after getting back it had gone pitch back outside! That was amazingly quick. Literally in the space of a couple of cigarettes the sun went down.

After waking up from a vivid nightmare at just gone 5am, Keri felt terrible. She tried laying back down after a few cigarettes in completely conked out again. She's totally drained. Sally plus the depression is never a good mix. Her physical health is terrible. Her asthma has got to the point that she has to carry her Ventolin inhaler with her all the time. She won't book an appointment either because her motivation is gone too.

Her self harm has been bad since she last failed to kill herself after disappearing on Saturday. In the last 24 hours alone she's made 12 cuts and a burn from her right hand down to near the bottom of her forearm. She's asked the staff for dressings. They know she's self harmed but she hasn't told them the extent of it. I think she thinks they think that she's probably only making a couple of small cuts and then dressing them. Yeah right! And Keri's not really into blabbing about how much she's self harmed. It's doubtful the staff will ask her directly how many times she's self harmed. If they did then she'd be truthful. 

Keri had a visitor today from a patient who'd been readmitted to Lime Unit. Kay was discharged three months ago on a CTO (Community Treatment Order). She'd breached the conditions of her CTO so her psychiatrist had her readmitted to hospital a couple of weeks ago. Keri gets along well with her as she has a lot in common. For one thing they've both got eating disorders, except Kat isn't in denial about it.

Keri has a CPA tomorrow. She's not looking forward to it at all. The psychiatrist here arranged it so I'm assuming it's so she can talk to all the people involved with Keri to learn more about her disorder and how to treat her. Total clueless animals. Treating us like guinea pigs. What's the point in them even trying to understand? They've made it quite clear they don't was us around. They just want Keri. You know what? Without us, there wouldn't be a Keri here to treat!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 150 & 151

Written by Fox.

DAY 150 & 151 - 4th & 5th January, Saturday & Sunday

Keri got up around midday on Saturday. She'd had a really bad night and had needed extra medication. It was very noticeable to the staff and it wasn't something she was able to keep hidden. We were all shouting, she had a headache and all of us had given up. I'd made a post on Friday which she read like I asked. At the bottom I'd written "we're gone tomorrow". That was the truth. All of us had given up. So we didn't exist? Well, then let's make it that way.

She got up and hurriedly did her washing, knowing that when she asked for an hour of leave (she now has two separate hours of leave a day) that Sally would help her do something and that we'd succeed because even if the police were called before we'd killed ourselves, they'd be all preoccupied waiting and circling around near the suspension bridge.

Keri told staff she was going to the supermarket. She didn't even get near the inside before Sally came out, got her on a bus and the next thing Keri knows is she's standing next to a tall fence next to a railway line and the sun has gone down. Looking through her bag she managed to find the small torch she usually keeps in her bag, just in case. It's just a cheap one from tesco but it definitely is bright! She couldn't get over the fence and onto the railway line so ended up walking through woods and deserted areas for hours, consistently getting her feet stuck in mud or getting freaked out that her hallucinations were following her. She was absolutely freezing and on the verge of collapse

Finally, she managed to find a remote bridge that overlooked the railway. There were houses nearby but the path to the bridge was pitch black, and so was the bridge itself. Keri knew that no one would be walking around in the dark like that at that time of night. Even though she was stiff from the cold and felt like fainting, as soon as she looked over the railings she shone her torch down into the darkness. It was a mainline railway. The cold disappeared and she felt so calm and relaxed. Just as she was looking down, one train passed on the right hand side track so, after quickly looking to make sure no one was around, she climbed onto the wall and over the railing, perching on the edge of the bridge just over the track that the train had just crossed. She knew that her best bet would be jumping in front of a train from a bridge as the driver wouldn't see her until it was too late. 

After about fifteen minutes she was to the point where she was almost dangling off the side of the bridge and suddenly heard that familiar noise of the police helicopter. She prayed that hopefully because she was so cold, the thermal cameras wouldn't pick up on her. Unfortunately they found her and started circling to direct ground units to her. There were three officers that were quickly behind Keri. She didn't even realise they were there.

"Back up and give some space for a minute," said one male officer as they waited for more units. It was clear from Keri's posture that she was ready to jump as soon as she had the chance. It wasn't going to be long before a train turned up on her side of the track. The police knew this and I heard the same officer ask someone to make sure the trains were stopped. Keri heard nothing. She still was ignorant to her surrounding popularity, and tried ignoring the helicopter. The officer asking for the trains to be stopped had been too late, there was one on the way, Keri could see the lights and felt the vibrations on the bridge. Now, she thought. She glanced down at the dark tracks as the train got closer, thinking that it looked so peaceful. There was no panic, no distress. She just knew that she wouldn't have to feel anymore pain.

Before the train got too close, all of a sudden there were several officers grabbing Keri with every hand they could manage. Keri was startled and started struggling. I don't know whether you guys have ever watched the first series of Touch, but if she's touched by people without any warning or by people she doesn't know she starts struggling (which makes people hold onto her tighter), starts hyperventilating, and makes horribly distressing noises. She was shouting and crying and tried everything to get out of their grip. At one point they had to restrain her to the point of hurting her. It wasn't their fault though. Keri was still on the other side of the wall and railings. If they let her go she'd have tumbled down onto the tracks.

"Call in for more back-up!" an officer shouted down his radio. "She's still on the wrong side of the railings and we need help getting her back over. She's really struggling with us here." 

Keri didn't hear them say that either. She was suddenly blinded by the helicopter spotlight which attracted the attention of most of the houses lined up along the railway. With a bright light in her eyes, still alive and in an extremely panicked state, she totally zoned out. The officers somehow managed to get her over the railings and lift her from the wall and onto the floor. Again, they couldn't help but hurt her as they carried her over the top of the spiky railings as the struggling continued.

The officers managed to get her standing up and Keri was still unresponsive, making distressed noises, hyperventilating and staring at the floor as officers held onto her to put her in a police car.

"Hey Keri," one officer walking a few steps ahead said. "Do you remember me? I've met you before."

She didn't even hear his question. She was placed inside a police car without a struggle while a very kind officer sat in the back with her. Keri was rapidly rocking back and forth, still making distressed noises and hyperventilating. The officer put a hand on her back.

"Keri, it's okay," he said. "You're safe, you're with us now."

Keri remained unresponsive during the whole journey.

"Keeping an eye on her hands mate?" the driver said. 

"Yeah, there's no issue. She's not talking, or doing anything for that matter. Totally unresponsive."

They were bringing her back to Alder Unit.

"According to the inspector, we've just got to play good cop and then leave," the driver said. They were very kind to Keri. The inspector was absolutely fuming and was putting in another report and contacting Alder yet again. The police weren't angry at Keri, they were angry with the mental health system.

With Keri soon heavily doped up on medication and given a hot cup of tea, she was kept on one to one observation. Their main priority was to get Keri into some warm dry clothes before she started getting hypothermia, the second was to get her something to eat as she was so close to fainting. After that Keri was allowed to go to her room, still being checked regularly by staff. You would've thought that she'd have fallen asleep early but again it was another late night.

Not much to report on today. By the way, happy 18th birthday to Keri's younger brother Jamie! Keri's been in her room for most of it. One of the staff took her to the supermarket to get batteries as her unescorted leave has been banned. Staff have had the police on the phone for a while today talking about things as they're getting so angry. Let's see how tonight pans out. All of us are pretty annoyed that Keri was found. How do you instill hope into those that have none?

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 149

Written by Fox.

DAY 149 - 3rd January, Friday

I am SO ANGRY. The day started ok. Keri was unusually perky and her foster dad brought her TV in and set it up for her after they went to the supermarket to get a lead for the aerial. It looks pretty amazing and Keri enjoyed having some time with her foster dad. He even got to try some of Keri's coffee from her machine! It was a good break for her and it also gave the nurses a chance to get him to sign Keri's section 17 leave form as they are rarely able to get a relative's signature. 

So much has happened today but I'm just so angry right now. Keri had a key working session and the woman was such a bitch! She said to Keri that if Keri went AWOL and came back being verbally and physically aggressive then she should learn to control herself. Control herself? She's not even her fucking self! It's Sally doing that and no one has control of her behaviour when she comes out! You can tell I'm angry because I rarely swear! She then said that it was the view of the staff that they refer to Keri as Keri even if one of us comes out. What?! Do we not fucking exist anymore? I didn't mind it when we were all a secret and Keri was considered a delinquent but now they know us why should we be ignored? Why should our identities be trodden on? Why shouldn't we be treated like people? We are fucking people! Why can't people understand that!? We aren't just figments in Keri's head, we're all PEOPLE for gods sake. WE ARE REAL PEOPLE. SO DONT TREAT US LIKE WE DONT EVEN EXIST. It's degrading and offensive.

The only person we aren't offended by is good old Ade. He's working tonight. Keri was sat watching TV and we've all been shouting angrily since her session. As soon as Ade came in we all shut up, including Sally. Keri noticed this just as he was leaving, as we started up again afterwards. He's not clueless, he's met Sally before. I actually quite like him but it's really confused Keri. I bet you that by the time she goes to bed she will have gone to Ade and sat and had a conversation about it.

Screw all these bastards. We're gone tomorrow. I don't care what anyone says. Keri, Sally, do what you want. We don't exist so obviously you make all the decisions and are always in control of your actions. We're just your figments. Ignore us and we'll go away. STUPID. STUPID. STUPID. 

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 148

Written by Fox.

DAY 148 - 2nd January, Thursday

Keri was determined to try getting up early but it just didn't happen. She didn't get up until gone 1 and that was because one of the staff said she was due to start her physio again today at 2pm. 

The physio has decided to start afresh with Keri as there's so many problems with her physically! Let alone mentally! Today she focused on Keri's ankles and said that the problem could be that a muscle in her ankles keeps flicking over the bone, or it could be a small triangular piece of bone that most people don't have but some people are born with in their ankles. The only way to find this out is through having an X-ray but the physio is going to do some more tests with Keri to see which of her theories is most likely. Either way it means Keri's ankles are in need of long term treatment.

Keri's mum and "her partner" (they took the mick out of me for using that phrase today!) visited Keri today. It was a late Christmas. Keri gave them her presents which included some jewellery and a book that Keri had received from her foster carers on her birthday called The Stranger Inside. Keri thought her mum would be interested in reading it so bought her a copy! She also got John some special kayaking socks. Weird if you ask me! Keri received her usual chocolate from 'Rudolph' and got some really nice gifts. She now has a coffee machine sat on her bedside table and speakers that spray spouts of water in sync with the music it's plugged into! Keri loved the coffee from the machine and hopefully that means it'll help to get her out of bed. She's also currently listening to a song on her iPod that she's hooked up to the water speakers. I'm listening to it. There's got to be an undertone there. It's a song by Nickelback called 'Lullaby' which is basically about suicide and giving life a second chance. David put it on and let Keri back out while lying on her bed. He's put it on repeat so the song is playing again and again. It's almost like David is singing it to Keri. She hasn't turned it off so maybe that's a good thing? I don't know. My brain isn't working! I'm too tired!

David's running out of ideas on how to dissuade Sally from helping Keri with the whole suicide thing, even getting down to the last resort about saying how terrible the weather is! I'm not sure how things are going to pan out. His first argument was to ask that she let Keri see her foster parents first but Sally hates them! That part of the argument wasn't too productive! It's turned into heated conversation now rather than Sally agreeing fairly calmly over the fact New Years Day was a bank holiday...

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 147 (21 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 147 (21 weeks) - 1st January 2014, Wednesday

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you've all had a good start and made a load of resolutions that most of you probably won't keep for more than two weeks! Although isn't that the point of new year resolutions?

Keri's spent most of her time in her room again, occasionally texting people and avoiding socialising again. She did manage to go out to the supermarket on her own. She wanted another DVD. She managed to find Season 11 of Family Guy which is the one season she was missing in her collection. She made it back safely which is what I was panicking about due to her thoughts yesterday.

David is back! I'm exhausted from having to do the responsible stuff all the time so I'm glad he's back. Last night he managed to talk to Sally and persuade her that today would be a bad day for Keri to commit suicide as it was a bank holiday, the bus outside the hospital isn't running and it would be likely Keri would have to sit and wait around on a railway track for an hour waiting for a train to finally appear due to the reduced services. Somehow Sally saw the rationality so Keri responded in the same way. The reason it didn't start off a full blown fight is because David didn't try and tell her not to do anything. He didn't turn around and say she shouldn't be helping Keri to commit suicide, he just said today wasn't the day to do it. That's bought us some time. I do admire David's way of being able to word things. 

I doubt anything will happen tomorrow as Keri's mum and her partner are visiting tomorrow in the late afternoon and bringing the dog. That should be a distraction and hopefully tire Keri out. Even so, things are quite unpredictable at the moment. Keri's mum is bringing Keri's GameCube games and remote except Keri can't use it yet as she's still been unable to get her TV. She's not annoyed by this though. It's been a busy time for her foster parents (especially with the amount her foster mum has been cooking!). She may even be moving rooms as she's the only female in the unit at the moment. There's currently three female rooms in the female unit and seven rooms in the male unit. One of the female patients has left, the other has been on leave. Keri noticed that the bedroom of the person who's left has carpet instead of laminated flooring so asked whether she'd be able to move. They've put her request down in their book to see what the manager says. I do admit, the room looks a bit bigger than the one Keri currently has but maybe that's because there's less stuff in it. Could be psychological.

Well, I know it's early but I'm tired, so is Keri. Another early night hopefully! She went to bed early last night but completely conked out until the afternoon. Her night was restless. She fell out of bed three times and at one point ended up with a nosebleed. I don't know how that happened, she might have whacked it on her bedside cabinet. I know it was because of a nightmare as none of us dissociated so it was down to her falling out of bed. Would be even worse if her mum and her partner hadn't bought her a thick furry rug to put down next to her bed!

Keri's new year resolution that's she's been set (making eye contact with people) hasn't gone well today! She's been slightly more talkative but only when spoken to or asked a direct question. I really don't know whether this is a good or bad thing!

She had her general observations done today and her chart came up as Amber. Her pulse came up as 138 on the machine, twice. The nurse checked it himself and noted how high it was and put it down as about 120. Her peak flow is also 270 so she needs to get her asthma rechecked as she got told that from the peak flow chart she had the lungs of an 85 year old woman! Matt also suggested she should book an appointment with her GP about her heart rate as it's been documented she's had a pulse of over 100 for over a year, sometimes it's even in the 120's when she's been doing nothing but lying down (observations are normally checked when a patient gets out of bed and Keri deliberately tries not to smoke so that it doesn't effect her pulse or oxygen levels). Apparently the high heart rate could be a sign there's something wrong with her heart as anxiety shouldn't cause her pulse to be high constantly, there would be some times where it would be lower than 100. Hopefully it's nothing serious. Keri's got enough labels and medications as it is!