DAY 51 - 27th September, Friday
Would it surprise you if I was to say Keri hibernated again today? I bet it doesn't. These sleeping tablets are pathetic! She was woken up by the physiotherapist knocking on her door. Keri rapidly dumped some clothes on and let her in, along with the student physio that was with her. Keri said she didn't want to go down to the gym today so they're starting their physio back up again on Monday, hopefully. We need to get Keri's joints sorted or they're going to get worse in later life (that's if she has a later life after the disaster that happened today!)
Keri had her psychotherapy session today. I was asleep at the time but Keri's psychotherapist was going to take her down to another ward where they were doing a wildlife thing and they'd brought in two owls! Clarissa spent ages trying to wake me up as she knows I love that kind of thing. Keri got around to seeing one owl before I ended coming out and seeing both of them. That annoyed Keri! She even said to her psychotherapist that it was unfair I got to see the barn owl before she did. They were beautiful! Overall the session went well. I only came out to see the owls and then went back in again so Keri could finish her session.
At around 4.30, less than an hour after finishing with her psychotherapist, she asked the staff if she could go to the supermarket and get more cigarettes. Turns out she'd been granted unescorted leave for half an hour! Apparently it would look good on her tribunal paperwork if she managed it well. Keri decided that she'd buy the cigarettes and then go back to the ward. Her mood was stable and a little perky, which is always a danger sign as it means she's a lot more impulsive. Yes, she got her cigarettes, but as she was coming back the bus she'd need to get on to get to Clifton was just sat there. No one was getting on or coming off. Suddenly she just ran to the bus, bought a ticket and settled herself in a seat, not believing her luck. After she'd got on the bus left the stop. Keri thought it was fate calling her...
It took a while for Keri to get to the suspension bridge but when she did she went up there and had a cigarette. There was a group of tourists taking photos of each other on both sides of the bridge, right in the middle of where Keri wanted to jump (the longest drop). So she had to hang around for a few minutes. Unfortunately for her one of the security guards recognised her and clocked on. It took a very short time for two police cars to turn up. The officers had to keep a tight hold on her because she was desperate not to be back at the hospital. Because she was kicking up a storm, they called in for back up (bearing in mind there were already four officers there) so that they could get a van to take her back to the hospital, it was the only place they could legally take her. While they waited, two of them kept hold of her while one of them chatted.
"So what made you want to come up here and want to kill yourself?" he said.
"I've got nothing left to lose," Keri said, tears in her eyes. "I've been sectioned in that place for over 7 fucking weeks. I can't take it any more."
"Well, we've got a missing person report about you that's been called in so there are people that care."
"They don't care. It's their job. If they hadn't phoned you and I'd managed to get over the side of that bridge then they'd be the ones held responsible."
Keri was in a deep depression and the last thing she wanted was to be back in hospital. To her there were only two options, fight tooth and nail so they couldn't take her to the hospital and hopefully get off the bridge or go back to hospital with no issue. With Sally helping Keri with both strength and anger, she fought tooth and nail.
When the van eventually arrived they all agreed they would have to put her in the cage. In the circumstances they were quite sympathetic towards her but still ended up having to put handcuffs on her because of her own safety. Even with handcuffs on it took 5 police officers to restrain her, carry her to the cage, and keep her in there. One of the officers decided he should stay with Keri as she started violently banging her head against the cage door. It seemed like a very long journey. The officer tried to make small talk whenever she looked like she was getting agitated again so he was quite perceptive.
When they finally made it to the ward, one of the officers went to talk to the staff and then he came back out so that he could let Keri and the other officer out of the cage. He opened up the door and said, "There we go, there's a bit of air. Bit muggy in there isn't it?"
Keri tried her hardest to run away but the officers wouldn't let her. Instead they forced her to sit down on the step outside the open doors of the cage. It was Cat who ended up coming out to greet Keri and the officers.
"Oh, Keri," Cat said, crouching down beside her. "Let's get you back into the unit and we can have a chat."
"No, I'm not going back in there!" Keri cried, starting to kick off again. "You won't let me back out!" Cat took one arm, an officer took the other while the other one walked behind them.
"Would you mind holding her other arm while I just unlock these doors?" Cat asked the other officer.
They swapped roles and Keri was still fighting, even with handcuffs on. Someone else opened the door for them anyway so the officers pulled Keri down with Cat through the corridor as she was so stressed out her adrenalin was saying fight fight! And so was Sally. At first Keri thought they were just putting her in her room but they walked straight past it. Then that beep, the beep of a locked door being opened, the little beep of the locked seclusion unit.
The officers managed to get Keri sat down on a chair. There were 3 members of staff there with them; Cat, Andrex and Nick.
"Is this area secure?" asked one of the officers.
"Yes, she can't get out at all," Cat said.
"Right," he said, getting something out of his belt and crouching by Keri. "Let's get these handcuffs off you now, eh?"
Thank god the handcuffs were off. They were causing Keri a great deal of pain because of the amount of struggling she was doing. The police officers saw themselves out while Cat sat next to Keri. Keri was rocking, twitching and hyperventilating.
"They're going to bring you some medication to calm you down, okay Keri?" Cat said.
Andrex then said, "New admission, we're going to have to move Keri."
"Oh God," Cat said, taking hold of Keri's arm, with Nick taking the other. "Come on, Keri, let's take you to your room."
They managed to get her to her room but Keri was still refusing any medication. She was half Sally half Keri and it wasn't good. Sally was most domineering. The staff let go of Keri's arms when they sat her between them on her bed. After a few minutes of them trying to persuade her to take some sedatives, Keri lost her temper.
"No, no, no," she shouted, tearing off her headphones and her bag. "I don't want your pills. I want to leave!" Then she suddenly shot out of her room and out into the garden to get over the fence.
"Keri, we're not letting you leave the hospital now come on," Cat said as herself and Nick dragged her back to her room, setting off the alarm. This time they sat Keri on the bed but didn't stop restraining her.
"Keri you can't stay like this," Cat said. "You've got no choice. We're going to have to give you your medication whether you want it or not. Either you take it orally or we're going to have to give you an intramuscular injection."
"I don't want your poison running through me!" Keri said, still trying to get out of their grip. The staff that had come running after the alarm had gone off replaced Cat as she went to go and prepare the injection. A doctor also came to talk to her to see what she could do.
"I've never seen you so anxious, Keri," she said. "What's brought all this on?"
"I don't.. I don't.. I don't know," Keri replied. "I need.. to.. to.. leave."
She was still hyperventilating and the doctor was growing increasingly concerned about how long Keri's heart rate had been so high. She left and was later joined by Cat and Andrex. Caramel and Nick were still holding her arms. By this point Keri was tunnelling further and further away from her conscious. She was fully tensed up, fists clenched, staring unblinking at the floor while the staff held her. Now, if Keri's foster parents had been in this situation then they'd have known straight away that it was a "Look out, Sally!" moment.
After about another few minutes of Keri being completely unresponsive to anyone talking to her (she'd reached a full dissociative state that she has between switches) Sally burst out like an explosion and the staff weren't ready for it. Cat was crouched right in front of Keri and Sally went straight for her and shouted, "Back the fuck off!" Immediately this had turned into a completely different situation and it wasn't only Keri that was in danger but also the staff. The alarm was set off again. As soon as Sally had went for Cat the three members of staff grabbed hold of her while another one pulled out Keri's bed from against the wall so that they could restrain Sally face down on the bed so that Cat could administer the injection. Keri suddenly came back and found herself being held down very tightly by staff and feeling a prick at the top of her arse.
"What the hell are you doing to me?" Keri said.
They kept Keri restrained face down for a good ten minutes until she stopped fighting against them. She felt totally drained. Eventually she was allowed to sit up and was kept on one to one obs for half an hour to make sure things didn't kick off again. No one could tell her what was in the injection but the general consensus seems to be that it was a high dose of Lorazepam. This was at 8.30pm. She's now back on 10 minute obs, unsurprisingly!
Keri was definitely calmer for the rest of this evening. Calmer? More like a walking zombie. That's because at 8.30pm she was injected with Lorazepam, then at 10.30 she was given Quetiapine, Mirtazapine, Diazepam and Promethazine, then at 1am she was given Zopiclone and more Lorazepam! Why the hell is she still conscious? It's gone 3.30am! I do think she's close to collapsing though so I'm not going to talk anymore! I'm going to see if she settles into bed. There's no way she'll be up tomorrow morning! If she is then she's dissociated into someone else!
Love you guys! Tough day but it feels good to vent to people who can understand to some extent. Our DID page and blog is for those in recovery, just being diagnosed, or are living a good life managing their condition. It's also for their loved ones, friends, and for anyone with comorbid conditions likes schizophrenia, depression, borderline personality disorder... But without the support from you guys I don't think I'd have enough motivation to try and help Keri. I thank you all for that!
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