Types of Alter Personalities

Within a system there are various types of alters. Some systems will have none, some a few, some will have several of them all. It all depends on the person and their alters. No two people with DID are alike. If there are types of alters listed here that you don't have, don't feel left out! Likewise if I don't list an alter that you yourself have, or your loved one has, don't feel I'm ignoring that type. I'm only going to be listing the most common ones to try and keep things simple.

1) The Host (main personality)

The host is the alter that takes charge of everyday life and is the person who is out most often. If you were to meet a person with DID then this is the most likely alter that you'll meet before you even know they have the disorder. The host is often depressed, introvert, dependent on others and can feel easily rejected. The opposite can also happen to hide the inner feelings; the host may seem overly happy or excitable. The host personality can usually be easily taken over by other personalities and is sometimes classed as the weakest personality, especially when they're unaware of having DID or are in early stages of treatment.

2) The Original (birth personality)

Occasionally, the host personality is different to the original personality. The original personality is the person who was born in the first place. If the host and the original are different people, the original will rarely come out but will be the most powerful personality and normally know who all the others are in the system if the host doesn't. They have the power to go in and out whenever they like but mostly choose not to because of the fear of having to face memories or other such things. If this is the case, the other alters are usually very guarded and protective of the original, treating them like a sort of treasure to make sure they don't get hurt. This is normally only the case when the host and original are different people. This can be quite complicated in therapy when trying to get the original to come out.

3) The Littles (the kids/younger ones)

Child alters are present in almost all cases of DID and their age can vary depending on the day, or sometimes they'll stay the same age all the time. These alters are innocent and can be hurt very easily. The rest of the alters in the system (sometimes even the angry one) are very protective of the littles and if one of them gets hurt it can cause all kinds of problems with all the alters e.g. trust issues, depression etc. The littles usually only come out if they know its ok for them to do so, if they're on their own or if they're in the company of someone they consider to be safe. Be wary that even though they're children, some can be very advanced children. Some child alters may not be able to read or write but may have the capability of driving a car for instance. It all depends on the system. However, no matter how advanced they seem to be, they should still be kept safe from things like sexual activity and such.

4) The Protectors

There are various kinds of protectors. Some protectors can also be classed as saboteurs (described below). One kind of protector can protect against emotional abuse. These protectors are normally quite quick-witted and can talk back to any insults that they are subjected to. At other times these protectors can be quiet at times when it's best for them not to retaliate. Some protectors protect the system from the external world, like being abused or being threatened. Others are internal protectors that try to keep the younger ones safe and try to control any chaos that's going on inside. What about protectors that can also be classed as saboteurs? These alters are normally very aggressive and hostile to anyone who comes close and come out to try to eliminate any perceived threat. They use physical and verbal abuse to keep away anyone who tries to get close to prevent any of the system being let down or hurt. With these protectors it's very obvious when they come out as they present completely differently to the depressed and introvert host. With the quieter protectors, they can normally try and impersonate the host/original personality. It can be hard to identify the difference unless you know what signs to look out for. Depending on the alter, they can have varying strengths from extremely dominating, to medium strength.

5) The Saboteur/Angry One (self-destroyers)

The title in itself explains it. The angry one or saboteur is created from a mixture of anger, frustration and hatred, often because the host hasn't expressed it properly. This type of alter is usually purely impulse-driven and has little thought or doesnt even care about the consequences of their actions. They normally don't like to show themselves but when they get to the point of becoming really angry they can burst out, almost like an explosion. These kinds of alters can also be several times as strong as the host, abnormally fast and agile, and be uneffected by pain (or even enjoy it). If an alter like this should come out then communication should be done in controlled circumstances to avoid the danger to themselves and to other people. Often this alter is very domineering and doesn't get on very well with the rest of the alters. They know the rules but mostly don't abide by them. They can be controlled if an equally strong alter is available, though even this may not help. 

A saboteur could be quite the opposite and be quite quiet although they may feel suicidal. Angry ones or saboteurs or suicidal alters need to be treated carefully if their aim is to destroy or kill the system. Sometimes there can be alters which are a mixture of all three which can make a situation very volatile.

6) The Rational One

A rational alter doesn't make decisions based on emotion. These types of alters are logical, rational and forward-thinking. Sometimes they can also be internal helpers, seeing through the trauma and negativity to find a solution that works for everyone. They're clear-headed and aren't clouded by any anger, sadness or depression unless in extreme circumstances when the system is close to collapse (this can happen during a crisis period). Sometimes these alters are referred to as Inner Self Helpers (ISHs). They often know a lot about the host and other alters. They know how the system works mostly and are often the only ones who have some form of control over saboteurs/angry protectors. This control can vary depending on the situation. The rational alter also has rules within the system and the majority of the alters usually abide by them, though obviously there can be slips! 

7) The Sexual One (seducer, flirter)

What's more to say?! This type of alter will often seek out sexual interaction. They can be promiscuous, overly flirtatious and try to seduce anyone they want. They can be of any gender or sexuality and their individual personality will vary between systems. The sexual one is considered one of the weaker personalities as, in the beginning, they'll usually only come out to flirt or have sex. Given time, they will also start to come out in situations that they consider safe. They're sexual behaviours can be fuelled by many things, not only lust. It's best to be careful around this kind of alter as sometimes they have been sexually abused and can view themselves only as 'sex machines'. Even if they present as bubbly and excitable, the sexual one can be one of the more damaged personalities within the system.

8) Fragments

Fragments aren't fully formed personalities. They can represent emotions, objects, a specific memory. These fragments are normally called things like "The Sad One" or "The Angry One". Once these fragments have been identified and the feelings they hold are dealt with then they filter into the background. Sometimes alters can be objects. Not ordinary objects, they're objects with consciousness, such as notebooks that write themselves.

9) Pets (less common)

The majority of families have pets, as do some systems. Animal alters can either be like a family pet that the alters look after like you would a cat or a dog in a family, or they can be wild animals or protective animals such as a tiger or an eagle that keeps guard of the system.

That's as much as I know about different types of alters so far. If any of you have any questions or would like me to add or change something then feel free to ask. This post is quite a free-flowing post and won't apply to everybody, or it could apply completely! It all depends. Like I said before, everyone is different. I hope I explained the types of alters clearly and also hope that if there's anything I can explain a little more clearly that you will let me know :)

How do you deal with angry alters?

This is more of a question to my readers and supporters more than anything else, and maybe there are some of you who have the exact same question and have no answer!

So, how do you deal with angry alters? Especially when such an alter is one of the strongest at the time? Medication? Well, with my angry alter, Sally, she needs about 4 times as much medication to get her calm than I need. She runs on pure rage and adrenalin, totally unrational and illogical. How are you supposed to deal with that? Sally also refuses to actively participate or cooperate with my therapy, how does that work? The problem is, with an alter like Sally, you make little to no actual progress until the alter starts to cooperate and integrate into therapy. 

I don't know whether some of you are the same but Sally also suffers from what's called 'delusional separateness'. Putting it simply, she cannot even consider the idea that she's a multiple. She believes she has her own individual body and the rest of us share. That's also a problem as it means her homicidal and aggressive tendencies get let out against other alters, and also puts us in very dangerous situations as she believes she's in no danger at all!

Today's blog post was partly to see if there's anyone with any answers to that. I'll be writing tomorrow with a more helpful post, but curiosity got the better of me today! What doesn't help is the co-strongest alter, David, has decided to disappear. We haven't heard from him since last night and he's the only one who has any form of control over Sally. I really don't know what to do. If anything it could end up with us being in hospital again, although of course Sally doesn't believe she'd be coming with us. We've managed to stay out for about three and a half months now, I'd like to make that gap a LOT bigger!!

Any responses are welcome and appreciated. If its worked for you, offer it. If you've heard about it from a friend, offer it. Don't be scared about 'sounding stupid'. You're talking to someone who is about 18 people at the moment! 

Take care all :)

Alter Photos

Clarissa was desperate for me to put up photos of her and the other alters. I've decided to do this though I haven't added all of these due to the fact some of them aren't ready to be so open yet. If you'd like to see these then visit this page and go to the 'My Alters' album :)

www.facebook.com/DIDCampaign

Alters and Facebook

Should alters have their own Facebook pages? I both agree and disagree with this.

I'll start with the reason I disagree. Many people with DID live their lives in secrecy, which is half the reason why it can take so long to diagnose the disorder. When alters start making their own Facebook pages things can start getting very complicated. For instance, alters see themselves as how they 'really  look'. They don't see themselves as a variation of the physical body, they see themselves as different people. Some alters can get very confused by this if they don't understand yet that they are all part of the same body. Photos can be confusing. Some of my alters have made their own profiles and one in particular was quite upset that people didn't see her the way she sees herself. This meant she ended up searching online for a photo that she thought was close to resembling her 'true face'. Not only is this confusing for the alters, but also for the people they end up communicating with online! It's not too bad if people you know know about your DID but what if they're strangers that they've decided to make friends with? What about the private messages you don't know they're having? What about any meetings they're planning to arrange that, again, you don't know about? This goes back to the complexity of being a multiple!

In other ways though, there are some pros to the whole idea. It allows alters to communicate with each other and also to communicate with other people. They have the option of being themselves and they have the option to be more open with one another and help other alters who don't yet understand the concept of being a multiple. In my experience alone, having alters on Facebook has been helpful as I've also met other people with DID and the alters all friend request each other and can talk openly without being scared of being judged. Also, since my first alter made a Facebook, we've also found out that an unknown alter has now felt comfortable revealing herself. I guess the Internet is easier to use rather than face to face contact. I can say that I much prefer writing things down rather than speaking to people!

Overall, depending on your situation, alters on Facebook can be a good thing. To me it is, mostly, because I'm actively trying to raise awareness of the disorder. If people want to be friends with my alters then that's perfectly fine with me. What surprised me was that a shy alter who didn't want to be known has found it easier to be on Facebook and work from there. Unfortunately for her she has no idea she's a multiple but I know she is having conversations with Clarissa (another alter) who is trying to explain, to no avail as yet.

Have you got alters that have their on social networking profiles? Have they worked for you or have they just caused chaos? Opinions are welcome either on the DID Campaign page or on this blog.

Father's Day Card

It may be 4 days after Father's Day (or P's day as I prefer to call it) but I promised to post a picture of the card that I drew for P. His favourite animal is a tiger so I spent ages looking at tiger photos on google until deciding on this tiger cub :3 

Be Positive

This is a photo that one of my alters decided to share on Facebook and I thought it would be nice to share it in a blog post :)

SO's Guide to D.I.D

I found this page from one of my friends and had a quick read through it. It's a guide for any SO (significant other) or loved one who would like to be able to help their partner/friend/family member with their DID and to be able to understand it a little better. The guide is written by an SO himself and from his point of view. Bare in mind that it is American so some bits he talks about (such as insurance) won't apply if you're like me and live in the UK with the NHS system.

http://www.op.net/~jeffv/so1.htm

Daily Meeting Example

I wrote about the concept of daily meetings earlier but didn't have my dissociation journal to hand so I couldn't get a picture. I have one now! During the time of these two meetings I was getting through a litre of vodka per day, I wasn't eating anything and I was refusing to take any of my medication (mainly because Sally didn't want me to take it). I thought I would put a picture in to show what kind of thing I'm talking about. Each alter chooses a feeling or emotion and this is written down; either by myself or by the alter in question (you can tell who did their own because of the handwriting). In addition to the alters writing down one emotion, additional notes were added highlighting any points that felt important and any concerns that needed to be addressed. During these two meetings many alters were not actively present and making conversation. The alters that were around at the time all chose to take part - even if it was just a load of cuss words saying how shit the whole idea was (Sally). I hope this example helps. This is just one day of meetings.

I'm sorry if the image isn't too clear but you can see the layout I've used her to try and keep it simple and to the point so it's not a long drawn out process, especially for the little ones who have short attention spans!

Daily Meetings

First off, for those that don't know, a daily meeting is a session where you can sit down and talk to your alters, almost like group therapy. I tell you, I definitely felt like a group therapist the first time I did a daily meeting! I felt like I was trying to control a group of pre-school children! Daily meetings allow different alters to express how they're feeling, talk about any concerns they have and even gives the chance for 'the littles' to tell a joke they've heard that day (if they want to say it, be sure to laugh!). 

It's recommended that daily meetings should be done twice per day, morning and evening - more frequently depending on the circumstances. To begin with it may not be easy. If you have uncooperative, aggressive, violent or sabotaging alters then, from my experience, you're just going to get a mouthful of abuse. Yes, this is upsetting for everyone but in some ways it also allows these alters to express their rage.

Some alters may not even want to participate but may well join in later on after a few sessions once they know what's going on. Others will be confused over the whole idea if they don't quite understand the concept that they are in fact a multiple and not a completely separate person in a different body.

I currently have 6 alters who are wanting to participate in the daily meetings out of the current total of 16 alters, 17 including me (although I have not been able to do a daily meeting due to certain circumstances). One of these alters, Sally, just shouts abuse and cuss words. We allow her to do that. Every alter who wishes to speak should be given the chance and notes should be written during each meeting. If there are any concerns then these should be brought up with your therapist, psychiatrist, carers, loved ones... Anyone who's involved in your care and can support you with your DID.

The whole point of these meetings is to try to keep things working as well as possible. There are times when the internal system is in absolute chaos, at these times daily meetings may not be possible and the first thing that needs to be sorted is maintaining the safety of yourself, your alters and people around you. Don't be scared to talk about your alters with people you trust. It's a lot easier to do with a good support network.

I found daily meetings helpful. Unfortunately I've been very tired and unmotivated lately as I'm having issues with my medication but as soon as I'm sorted again I will be back to doing the daily meetings. 

Anything I suggest on this blog isn't going to work for everybody. Some things will work for some people, whereas other techniques will work for others. Everyone is unique, especially people with DID as there are so many variations. No two people with DID are the same, so no one technique will work with everyone.

If any of you try the daily meetings I would love to hear your feedback, positive or negative. Feel free to post your thoughts on our Facebook page or a private message if you feel more comfortable.

Don't feel you have to rush into anything. Pace yourself, take your time and try to take care of yourself and your internal family.

Serious Medication Issues

Okay, the medication thing didn't go down too well yesterday. I'm a very honest person so when it comes to me doing something wrong it doesn't take long before I crack. I ended up telling one of my foster carers (L) last night what I'd done with my medication because of the voice I'd heard (which I didn't recognise. It said "Don't take them or somebody will get hurt". 

After I told her she ended up giving me my 6pm meds together with my 10pm meds. God was I knocked for six! I also had to draw my other foster carer (P) his Father's Day card while I was half zombified! I think I did pretty well with it considering I could barely keep my eyes open..

This morning L gave me my morning pot of meds and I palmed them while no one was looking and then went and flushed them down then toilet. I then sat in the living room and got out my iPad. P knew exactly what I had done, he's not an idiot. Plus P and L know me too well. They know that if I'm lying I can't make eye contact AT ALL. So out came a 2nd pot of meds L sorted and I had no choice but to take them. Now I'm not even allowed to leave the sofa for an hour because they know there's a high chance I'll just throw them up down the toilet.

Why does this have to be so fucking difficult!? They're only a bunch of pills! 

On a lighter note I'll take a photo of the card I drew for P. :)

Avoided 6pm Medication

I know I only posted earlier but I'm feeling really guilty right now. 

Over the last week or so my foster carer has been in charge of my medication; giving it to me at the specified times, making sure I take it and telling me to take it when I start trying to refuse to take it. The problem is, this evening my foster carer got out my 6pm medication and told me to take it. I said I'd take it 'in a minute'. She then had to go out and as soon as she did that, a voice told me not to take it. It was a voice I didn't recognise so it wasn't one of my alters, unless it's one that hasn't felt comfortable revealing themselves yet.

Getting back to the point, I made a point of wandering through the kitchen to get a drink with my meds pot in my hand in front of my older foster sister and as I walked out I tipped the pot into my mouth and then took a drink; but instead of the tablets going in my mouth I managed to get them to slip into my sleeve instead (I'm wearing a baggy hoody). Then I went straight up to the toilet and washed them down the sink.

Why do I feel guilty? I hate betraying the trust of my foster carers. I also know that I can't even speak to them about this strange new voice as it'll involve the topic of me not taking my medication coming up which I can't allow to happen. I refuse to give them any reason to have me taken into hospital - and every person who knows me knows that I wouldn't go voluntarily.

So that was just a quick vent. I needed to let that out. Stupid psychiatrists. I tell you what, since seeing the psychiatrist last Friday I've been very dubious about talking about my feelings because she mentioned the 'hospital ultimatum'. Even if I did take my medication begrudgingly, they'd still come up with something else to blackmail me with like "if you don't eat you're going into hospital". 

I really don't know what to do. My foster carers would be so frustrated with me if they knew or found out. Help! :(

Alter Personalities and Medication

I really don't understand the physical side to my D.I.D. In this post I'll be focusing mainly on the medication aspect. To start off with it might be handy to know what medications I'm on. Disregarding the few types of tablets I need for physical symptoms, I'm on several psychiatric medications, including Quetiapine, Diazepam, Mirtazapine and Zopiclone.

I didn't think I needed this medication and have been on the doses for a long time. Recently I spent about 3 weeks not being able to take my medication because Sally (my violent homicidal alter) wasn't allowing me to take any of it. During those three weeks I noticed dramatic changes within my system. Jimmy (a 4 year old boy) was very upset and crying a lot. David (a rational 20 year old male) was starting to feel suicidal himself because of the chaos that was going on inside. David's reaction was startling and I didn't even realise how confused he was feeling until one of my foster carers told me that Jimmy had given her a letter one evening from David expressing his concerns. Fox (a 15 year old homosexual mute) went totally fucking nuts. He's normally very passive but he turned into a very distressed and extremely psychotic boy. 

The effects on me? I couldn't sleep and only slept after I passed out drinking a litre of vodka a day. I was very restless and could never sit still. There were times when I'd spend over 3 hours just pacing up and down the garden. 

After the ultimatum from the Intensive Team psychiatrist last week (either I take my medications at home with support from foster carers or take them in hospital where I'd be given them by force), I started taking my medication and yes, there have been some difficulties in doing this. On the bright side I'm not in hospital yet.

What I don't understand is why the medications effect my alters differently to how they effect me. Take Sally for instance, she needs about 5 times the amount of drug sedation to calm her down or knock her out compared to the smaller amount that I do. How does that work? Some of my alters have they're own mental illnesses. In my opinion I think Fox is a catatonic schizophrenic (although I'm not a professional). In some ways I'd like a psychiatrist to sit down with each of my individual alters and assess they're different needs just so we can have a more peaceful life. At the moment we're all over the place. I can say that we're definitely less all over the place now we're back on our medication but we're still toeing a very fine line between being able to stay at home with my foster carers and having to be put into hospital again.

If anyone can explain this or even find a site that talks about it then please let me know. I've tried myself but I really can't get my head around it!

In my next post I think I'll be writing a list about each of my alters. They want to be recognised. At the present moment there are 17 of us (including me). However, when I write that post I'll only mention the current most dominant ones to make it less confusing. Both for myself and you guys!

Toeing The Hospital Line

I know this is my second post in less than a day but the last one I wrote ages ago and just forgot to publish!

Recently I had to go through a court case in regards to the traumatic events that happened in my childhood. The problem is that it was a double trial - me and someone else were both victims of the abuse. For legal reasons I cannot mention anything specific about the people or incidents involved. 

In the couple of weeks leading up to the case (which was at the end of May 2013) I went downhill mental health wise. I stopped eating completely, I couldn't take any of my medication due to conflicts with my alter personalities, I wasn't sleeping and I could barely even do day to day activities. I was becoming more and more unwell.

Even though all this was happening I still managed to get to court to give my evidence, with a heck of a lot of support from various people. I spent most of the day in that bloody place being cross-examined and when I finally finished I almost felt relieved that my part was finished. Admittedly I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt too because the person being prosecuted was someone close to me.

Then it all went wrong. I went in on Wednesday and tentatively waited for the verdict at home with my carers. I suddenly had a surprise visit from the police officer in charge two days later, on the Friday. The other key witness had decided to do a runner from court. No matter how much the judge tried she had no choice but to discharge the jury. I was given the next 21 days to make a decision as to whether I want to do a retrial, however this time it won't involve the other person.

Have I made my decision? I honestly don't know. As soon as I was told the news that the court case was being thrown out I instantly hit an all time low. I was dissociating severely and needing to go to the hospital every day, I was drinking a litre of vodka daily, I was still refusing all medication because of the continuous conflict with my alters and I still wasn't eating. 

So what's happening right now? I was given an ultimatum by the intensive team's psychiatrist that if I didn't start taking my medication voluntarily at home then I'd be taken into hospital and given it forcibly. This isn't a choice. If anything I'm being forced to take my medication anyway. My carers make sure that I take them, even when I try to avoid taking them I end up with a pot of pills in front of me. I was literally dead to the world for a couple of days because I was told to go straight back on everything instead of staggered doses. The problem with one of my pills is that for the first couple of weeks I become very suicidal. I'm hoping that the other several medications combined together will keep me and my destructive personalities under control..

The first dose of medication I had involved me dissociating into my destructive and homocidal alter, 'Sally'. Unfortunately this meant that one of my carers had to hold her down so she couldn't do any damage to me or my carer. Luckily it didn't last long and I came back out again, feeling extremely tired from both dissociating and from the tablets kicking in.

So what's happening now? Good news is that I'm sober, sleeping and taking medication (begrudgingly). Now I just need to try and eat something. My fixation on calories has hit an all time high. Plus I'm supposed to be keeping all my appointments. I may be stubborn but my carers and workers are even more so.. If I refuse to leave the house for an appointment then they'll turn up on the doorstep anyway. Let's be honest though, 5+ appointments a week is a bit of a handful isn't it?

I've ordered and received my new iPad now so I can blog whenever I want! Particularly handy if I'm waiting around at hospital departments or going for a nice walk or sitting in a GP office, y'anno, the usual. I'm sorry I haven't been blogging much over the past year but a lot has been going on and the motivation to do anything is very weak.

I love you all and thanks for sticking by my blog even though my posy frequency sucks sometimes!