Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 28 days

Written by Fox.

Jesus. I think it's time for some kind of intervention or something here! Keri's gone completely looped this evening, or more rightly the last 4 hours considering it's nearly 4am.

I thought the day started quite well. Keri was given her Quetiapine and also some extra Lorazepam for her home visit just in case, the staff read her diary and also checked her bag; both before leaving and also on coming back as there was a very short period where Keri's foster mum was showing Keri's 'pet nurse', as she called her, around the garden. Keri didn't dissociate but because she could've dissociated and dashed in and out the kitchen they checked anyway. Her home visit went very well. Like I said in my last post, I knew she'd feel differently as soon as she stepped foot in that door. She described it as 'walking on the clouds of heaven'! She was happy to see her foster mum but was getting really confused over the fact she knew so much of what Keri was doing. Keri still thinks I'm taking a break from blog posts so doesn't know her foster mum sees them. She was only able to stay for just over an hour but an hour was all Keri needed. She was out of hospital, despite being escorted, and she felt like she was home again. I will admit that there were a lot of us that were reluctant to leave and come back to the hospital but did anyway without any hassle from Sally as me and David had that covered. If you're reading this, thank you for letting Keri visit! 

For a few hours Keri was actually feeling a bit better. For some reason from about 11.30pm she's just... I don't even know how to explain it. She's self-harmed several times again and now has dressings all the way up her left forearm, she's in and out of dissociative trances and isn't really able to listen to anyone and is getting preoccupied (which one of the nurses pointed out when he was sorting out Keri's arm, stating that she was a lot more distracted than usual). She's spent a lot of the last few hours rocking on her bed, shouting random things in rhymes and when she's outside smoking she's climbing on all the garden furniture and jumping from bench to bench! She's been dosed up to her eyeballs again but she's just completely manic, but very depressed. It's weirding me out! I don't like it! She's not even close to going to bed and keeps wandering round and round in figures of eight. I don't understand how she was okay one minute then suddenly switched to this! And I know it's not another personality as I deliberately checked to make sure. 

She saw the dietician who said she'd bought Keri a cereal bar to eat each day. She gave Keri one today which sat on her bedside table. Once it started getting dark she went out in the garden while no one was watching, took it out the wrapper, chucked it over the fence then went back to her room and strategically placed the empty wrapper very noticeably in her bin so she knew the staff would see it and write on her fluid/food intake chart that she's had a cereal bar when in reality she's eaten naff all.

I really hope her psychotherapist is able to do something if she's still like this tomorrow as I'm really at a loss. David has no idea what to do either and several personalities have decided to start arguing about cheese! What is this world coming to right now! Someone explain it to me because... I don't understand and normally I understand things ten times better than anyone else internally. But now I'm clueless. I'm never clueless. Does that mean there's something wrong with me too? If I spoke, I'd be shouting at a wall right now, and I'm pretty passive!

Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 26 days

Written by Fox.

Well, it's been a week since I was last able to write any kind of post. Internally and externally things have just been chaos. Sally is still homicidal, Trixie has now been conned by Sally and now thinks she's a completely separate person again so an overdose would be on the cards but thank you for giving Keri a sensible psychiatrist! Keri has been here for over a month and usually after a week of being transferred to a different ward she's able to have unescorted leave. This time it hasn't been the case on this ward as there's various factors that prevent it being safe for Keri to go out; Sally wants to murder people with no thought to the consequences, Trixie wants to overdose and Keri wants to drown us all out with vodka. Only in the last two days, Keri has self harmed ten times! She had less than two hours sleep last night and it's likely the same will happen again tonight.

Her eating? Don't go there. For a while Keri was buying food and throwing up, or she's just not bothering to eat. The dietician is concerned and I caught a glimpse of the first page of their observation folder (as far as I'm aware Keri didn't see it). They have a sheet specifically for recording Keri's fluid and food intake, and they know she's been making herself sick due to the fact they keep a close eye after she's finished eating and know when she's locked her door and disappeared into her bathroom. The dietician suggested to Keri that it might be best to have the staff lock her ensuite door every time she buys food. Keri was dead against this as she said she'd completely panic and not eat at all. She won't make herself sick in one of the public toilets and she told the dietician that who completely understood that it was a 'private affair'. What help is that?

She fasted for a few days and then binged today. She's planning another fast starting, well, at 7.15pm which is over 6 hours ago.

She was able to meet with her personal advisor yesterday who brought along the virtual school officer (she will pay for Keri to do any online course for qualifications, a couple of years ago she managed to get an A Level in Psychology!). At first I thought Keri was optimistic, then realised she was faking which meant Clari half came out. Keri was talking but Clari kept her tone of voice quite upbeat and got her laughing. Truth is, Keri's too depressed to care.

Her ward round today consisted of Keri getting more and more annoyed with the staff and her psychiatrist. What's the saying? The straw that breaks the camel's back? That might end up being tomorrow if her tribunal result ends up being that her section is to remain as it is, which is going to happen. Keri made it quite clear what she wanted and said straight out to everyone in the room "All I want is fucking discharge papers and a bottle of vodka". She's going to be called alcohol dependent at this rate!

Her psychotherapist made it to the ward round and spoke to the psychiatrist before and after Keri was in there. Her opinion is to remove any contact Keri has with her mother and her mother's boyfriend for 2 - 3 months and then review it. For me I think this is good. Keri may want to see her mum on a biological level but it's not good for Keri. She always seems to go a bit loopy after her mum leaves. Coincidence? Some people think it is. Most people don't. And Keri needs to concentrate on her therapy right now, even though her brain is telling her to tell everyone to 'fuck off'. She was excited a few days ago that someone finally sorted out some escorted home leave to her foster parents, but now there's no enthusiasm for anything! I do think that when she actually gets there she might feel differently (although I'm going to text our foster mum and get her to hide the knifes from the magnetic strip they have! Not because I think Sally will come out but if they're out of sight they're out of mind and me and David won't have to start fighting with her if she glimpses one. If they're in a drawer, not a problem).

Her antipsychotics and other medications better kick in properly soon or Keri's going to end up in a very deep hole, though I'm worried she is already. She can't openly discuss her feelings. She tells the staff she's fine all the time even though one member of staff here has commented on her change in mood and behaviour as he's worked nights the last couple of days (Jamie's actually got a crush on the guy!). Keri may think she's not giving them any leverage by not talking about anything but in reality her brain has gone haywire..