DAY 74 - 20th October, Sunday
What a foul mood Keri's been in today! The nurses tried several times to get her out of bed but Keri just turned around and refused, saying she felt horrible and didn't want to get out from hiding under her duvet. At one point she got so fed up with it that she told one of the nurses to fuck off. Nice going Keri. Somehow one of the nurses managed to get Keri to at least temporarily sit up to take two doses of medication at 1pm. Then she was half asleep again for a couple of hours before finally getting up. She would've stayed in there longer but she had another nightmare and woke up in cold sweat, and she was completely soaked through, her hair was sticky, her pyjamas felt like she'd been standing in the rain and she even had to change her bedding. It was the worst and most vivid nightmare she's had in a while. It scares me. I didn't experience the dream myself but I've seen flashes of it that she's had during the day and even that has terrified me.
Keri kept herself isolated and eventually went to the desk to ask to go out on leave. She wasn't laughing at any of their jokes, she wouldn't look them in the eyes, and she looked like she was going to burst into tears.
"I'll just check your leave," one of the nurses said. "Right, it says here that you can go out twice a day for half an hour as long as you're assessed by the member of staff in charge beforehand."
Brian was the charge nurse and he came out of the staff office and sat on the desk next to Keri.
"Right, can I have a chat with you before you go?" he said.
"I don't want to talk," Keri said.
"Well can I at least ask you a few questions?" he said.
Keri shook her head but Brian took her to one of the small rooms to have a chat with her anyway. Keri said she wasn't planning on hurting or killing herself, or running off. Brian decided to let her out. Keri dissociated for a few minutes but we don't know who it was. She noticed that the bus stop sign said that a bus was due in a few minutes and Keri decided to have a cigarette and wait for it. She was getting more and more panicky as the guys following her (her paranoid hallucinations) were getting closer and closer. In the end Keri's adrenalin just said "run" and she sprinted in the only direction she could go to get away from the guys that were scaring her; back into the hospital grounds. By the time she reached the entrance to the unit she was verging on a panic attack.
They didn't bother searching her so I'm hoping that means no one bought anything. But Keri had a panic attack down in the HDU garden and then went to ask for some PRN. She was given some Lorazepam and had a chat with a nurse in the clinic room. She said she'd rather Keri asked for Lorazepam rather than do anything impulsive. It's written on her chart that Keri can have 2mg of Lorazepam a day along with her regular Diazepam. She got calmer but remained in the HDU for most of the rest of the day.
Fortunately she got a surprise phone call from her foster mum which went on for about 45 minutes. It's the most I've heard her talk all day, even including a few laughs. It was lucky she managed to get hold of Keri as Clarissa has been dying to come out for this evening, so she might end up having our therapy appointment tomorrow. I'm fine with that as long as no one lets her off the ward to buy alcohol or drugs! If that happens then Clarissa will stay out and get wasted and then Sally will take the opportunity to sprint as quickly as possible up to the suspension bridge. Goodbye Keri. Thankfully for our sake Keri's psychotherapist is very perceptive and knows what Clari is like! She'll make sure she's not let out on leave, although Clari is good at impersonating Keri. She won't get away with it with Fiona but may do with some of the staff that haven't learnt so much about Keri's DID.
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