DAY 69 - 15th October, Tuesday
The determination Keri had to get up this morning was there but it didn't go very well. Her alarm went off and she completely blanked it. She didn't even get up until her foster mum arrived! As soon as the nurse knocked on her door and told her that she forced herself out of bed, chucked on some clothes and went to greet her foster mum. Keri was very glad to see her! It had been a while since her last visit so it was good for Keri to catch up with everything that was going on at home. Her foster mum had also brought in her grandson's present for Keri to wrap up, and Keri gave her the card to take back too. It was his birthday on Sunday but Keri's foster mum hasn't seen him yet so it gave Keri time to wrap his present. Keri's foster mum stayed for about an hour and a half so it was a long chat!
Keri's personal advisor from social services also visited and had remembered to bring Keri the consent form which she needed to fill out to give her PA permission to contact the DWP on Keri's behalf. So that's all out of the way now thankfully. The PA said she thought Keri seemed a bit perkier than normal. No chance. Keri may seem perkier now and again but inside she's feeling like she's literally being torn apart. She's quite a good actress when it comes to hiding her emotions, unless they're too intense to even begin to be able to hide them..
Keri missed her physio because she hasn't been eating properly so she was on the verge of collapsing today. She ate an apple though! Unfortunately this evening she's binged on a load of crap and spent time destroying her already sore throat by forcing herself to throw it all back up again. She may as well just throw the money down the toilet: less painful and not ruining her insides. She really hasn't been very sociable. She's sucking herself back into this weird unreal world, how the hell that'll play out if she is like this during court I don't know, it's only got a lot worse since a few hours after her ward round.
During her ward round Keri requested that she be referred to the BRI (Bristol Royal Infirmary) for a consultation with a neurosurgeon to get rid of the bug in her head. The conversation got challenging again as the nurses tried to tell her that the bug isn't real and is a form of stress induced and pent up emotion. Unfortunately Keri doesn't think she needs a psychiatrist. By the sounds of it they're not going to even consider discharging Keri until the court case is over, considering in only the last week she's dissociated three times to the point where staff have had to intervene. Keri's decided that it might be better to postpone her tribunal but she's going to wait until she sees her solicitor again on Friday before making a proper decision.
Mick came back to visit today! He brought one of his army friends along with him who was quite friendly. They had a few games of pool with a couple of other patients. Sheila was trying to matchmake them again as Mick has his cast off now! The amount of dirty talk was astounding. Keri didn't really want to talk so Clarissa ended up coming out instead so that Keri didn't have to stand and laugh and smile while inside she feels really depressed.
Keri spent the rest of the evening crying a lot (after her binge episode). She can't seem to stop. This court case seems to have opened a door that shouldn't be opened. I want to lock it again! The dissociating is getting worse, everyone is starting to get tetchy, Keri is suicidal, and even if Keri doesn't act on her thoughts Sally will instead! They can't keep Keri locked up forever but it's not safe to let her out on her own right now. She went to get her binge food from the supermarket but it was escorted leave so she couldn't disappear off. I think that's a small blessing.
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