Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 2 months

Written by Fox.

Keri has spent half her time freaking out over her hallucinations and flashbacks. She keeps getting restrained. In less than a week the staff had to hold her down on the floor so that they could inject her with sedatives, this happened twice on different days. She's convinced that her dad has associates working inside the hospital to keep an eye on her and she's also made a 'friend' called Charlie. He's a hallucination but she doesn't realise. She's being sucked into another stress induced psychosis and no one is doing anything! When she's not being restrained she's still trying to search the hospital for her dad as apparently Charlie has told her he's hiding in a room at the end of the men's corridor which means the staff are repeatedly having to put her in safe holds and take her out of the corridor and try convincing her she's safe. Seriously, the staff talking to her is like talking to a brick wall. She hardly even knows where she is most of the time and is getting pretty disorientated a lot.

Yesterday she finally snapped because the staff kept saying Charlie wasn't real and that she was being paranoid. She thought they were being 'patronising twats'. She ended up on top of her wardrobe again and refused to go near the staff. It took a lot of persuasion but she did finally get down as soon as IH mentioned that if this all keeps happening and her mental health doesn't improve then they'll have no choice but to transfer her to the psychiatric intensive care unit next door to the unit we are on at the moment. The staff and Keri (and me for that matter) all know that if she's transferred over there she will get even worse. Sally also classes that as a threatening environment and she will fully take over Keri's personality which means things will end up involving a bloody forensic hospital!

On a good note, Keri's face is starting to heal up. It's still obviously very scarred but she's also given up smoking! It's been a whole week since she last had a cigarette. Her psychiatrist has prescribed nicorette patches and she has her electronic cigarette as well. She's doing amazing considering the horrible time she's been having. Honestly, there's no point in even arguing with her delusions as she starts getting really defensive and upset, especially if anyone uses the word 'psychosis'. She's on the maximum dose of Olanzapine anyway so I don't understand how she is still experiencing all this! Hopefully when she has her CPA tomorrow her psychiatrist will do something about it as everyone is very worried about her.

She's pretty much out of money until Friday (she spent a fair amount on cigarettes before she gave up and gets paid every two weeks), so she's also worried that she can't buy one of her family a birthday present and get it to him on time. Though hopefully she'll be allowed a home visit so she can give it to him. She's got until 13th October anyway so I think I need to tell her to stop worrying about it! 

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 16 days

Written by Fox.

Keri woke up this morning with her eye so swollen she could barely even open it. This was due to the burns she's inflicting near her eyes. The staff have let her have her lighter but she's burned herself twice today and it was during the daylight hours! The staff have her lighter now, though they've only had it for the last half an hour because Keri freaked out again but I'll get onto that later.

Extreme makeover for the hospital, courtesy of the CQC. Bathroom doors have been removed and protective sheets are now stuck on the windows, you can't see outside now! This has meant Keri's gone from having her bathroom kept locked all the time to having no door... Luckily she hasn't tried to use any ligatures today so still hoping she'll have a better night. She's had enough medication! They've doubled her dose of Olanzapine to the maximum 20mg and she's had a lot of PRN from when she's been hallucinating and freaking out.

Her first bad episode happened early afternoon when she was found by the physio huddled under her desk again, rocking and hyperventilating. Yet again unresponsive to verbal communication and even to physical contact for a bit as she was in a bad flashback. The physio managed to get through to her and took her out for a walk in the garden and a cigarette before she went inside and left Keri to it in her room. She's still on ten minute obs anyway. After this freak out Keri decided she was going to make a noose out of shoelaces 'just in case' and hid it. Unfortunately I can't do anything as she did it while me and David etc were busy dealing with Sally's emotions.

The second freak out she had was early evening when the staff found her rocking very violently on her bed and crying. It took a while yet again to get through to her but once they did they got her up for another cigarette and gave her some Lorazepam. It took a while for her to calm down again.

The worst freak out happened about an hour ago when Keri was deeply involved with a flashback. Instead of the usual responses of being disorientated and shouting at staff to 'stop that man taking her', she didn't. She was too deep within her flashback to know what was going on. The staff touched her and she instantly shouted that she had to catch her dad as he had her baby daughter in his arms and ran off. So Keri dumped the pills the staff had in her mouth, swallowed them and then rushed out of her door. She was looking everywhere for her dad even when the staff were trying to stop her. She was even barging into other patients' rooms! By the time it got to the point where she was going to raid the male corridor the staff shut the door to the corridor to physically stop her going down there and be able to sit her in a room with staff to get grounded. She can't remember half of what she did as it all turns into a blur. That's why the staff currently have her lighter due to her high risk presentation (well, higher than the usual high!).

Keri did manage to get out with IH again today to get a Costa but she was hallucinating and having flashbacks while she was out which hadn't happened before. Usually going out with IH is the break Keri needs from the ward to get some air and try to calm down, but this time it just stressed her out. Now she's scared to go out again. We don't need her turning agoraphobic again!

Is there something good I can say today? We're alive.

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 15 days

Written by Fox.

Well Keri was woken up at 11am for a ward round that was pretty unconstructive as her usual psychiatrist wasn't there. Unfortunately they had to discuss the possibility of having to go to ECH due to her state of mind right now. Because she was woken at 11am she ended up falling asleep in the afternoon which means she wasn't able to do her physio but did force herself to get out with IH (one of the two staff Keri most trusts, I'll use their initials for confidentiality) to get a coffee and some cigarettes.

Due to the fact it's being considered that she may have to go to ECH they got a nurse to come over from the unit to have a discussion about it. While he looked at the stuff in her room he just turned around and said Keri would hate it there, even if it was for a short amount of time (she wouldn't even be allowed her iPod unsupervised). This freaked Keri out a little bit but when she went out with IH he was very reassuring and explained that it wasn't another rejection and him and the rest of the staff are going to help support her as much as possible so that she doesn't get transferred.

By the time it hit around 7pm Keri really got bad and deteriorated very quickly. FF (the other one of Keri's most trusted member of staff) found her huddled underneath her desk, rocking and unresponsive. She did respond to physical touch after a while but she was really freaked out by seeing her daughter. She kept following Keri and every time she touches her Keri feels like it burns her and actually sees the handprint burned into her skin! FF managed to finally get her out from under her desk and down to the clinic room to get her some extra meds but Keri was getting worse. She ended up shooting across the room and hiding by a corner as she was still hallucinating her daughter. IH came in after a while to chat to Keri along with FF. 

No matter what people say to Keri she still feels like she's a monster. While her, IF and FF were in the clinic room, they were both trying to convince her that what happened wasn't her fault and that anybody who was in the situation Keri had been in wouldn't have been able to do anything much different. It didn't sink through though and she got freaked when her daughter started shouting that she made a dart out the clinic room and down the corridor to try and enter the pin to get out of the back door. This resulted in IF and FF having to restrain her, not in a bad way but more in a "you're not going anywhere" kind of way. After ten minutes of her refusing to go back down the corridor IF and FF had to force her along the corridor. When they got out onto the main ward area they sat Keri down in one of the dining room chairs as she was still an utter mess.

After FF deciding it was probably a good idea to have her anti-psychotics a bit earlier than normal, she took the medication and went outside with IH to have a couple of cigarettes and have a talk. She was still in tears. She stayed sat in the dining room on one to one with IH for a while with a cup of tea but she kept hallucinating and getting caught up in flashbacks which IH kept having to get her out of or reassure her. Several times she even started trying to claw out her eyes! While FF and IH were both with her they had to stop her by taking her wrists and moving them away from her eyes. It was horrible to see. One of the patients she gets along well with lingered around. He said to IH that he was sad and when IH asked him why he said it was because he could see his friend Keri so upset and distressed.

Keri's sat with staff watching Family Guy at the moment. She still keeps trying to claw at her eyes and getting caught up in flashbacks so it's good for her to have the company. She's not on one to one but the staff are trying to encourage her to use the emergency call button on her wall next to her bed. She's doing those loom band things to keep herself busy but is still distressed. Unfortunately we're one step closer to being transferred to ECH. Hopefully it doesn't happen but in my opinion, I think we'll end up there for a short while, medicated until she can't move...

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 2 weeks

Written by Fox.

Keri's been freaking out again today. She hasn't gone out at all as she was too scared to as she's seeing her daughter during the day now. She had her psychotherapy appointment which was mainly talking about the contact ban between her and her biological mum. She also had her daily physio and is still unfortunately having to remain on crutches whenever she has to go off the ward (she doesn't do much walking on the ward and they can be used as weapons so that's an issue too). The physio has started taking her to the gym now to strengthen her ankle so she'll be able to use it again properly without walking with her foot pointing out to the side.

Things started getting hard around 5PM. She started hallucinating. She distracted herself by decorating her walls with her drawings due to the fact she's going to be here at least another couple of months. The distraction didn't work for long and the staff found her huddled on top of her wardrobe again. It took medication and one of the staff talking to her for an hour before she finally got down and walked down to the nurses station to sit in there with her iPad and catch up on some programmes on iplayer. The staff were very good with her. There was someone there constantly and she got plenty of cups of tea! She was there for a good couple of hours but there was a stage where she freaked out again from hallucinating and shot underneath the desk crying as she was so scared. The member of staff who talked her down from the wardrobe managed to do the same thing talking Keri from getting out from underneath the desk and getting her back onto one of the chairs to carry on watching her programme. He even gave her one of his bars of chocolate! He's a lovely guy. He's the one that Keri's little brother has a crush on!

She's been on one to one smoking all day and isn't allowed her lighter. This has stopped her burning herself during the day but since the night shift started she's now burned her face three times and it's not even midnight. The staff come out and light her cigarette but she's lying to them and saying she's fine out there on her own. How the hell are they believing this?! It's barely 11.30pm and she's already burned three times! Hopefully the staff will catch on to that. They aren't idiots but sometimes I really get tired of them trying to take risks to assess Keri's capability of taking responsibility for herself. I know they have to so they know but Keri's not exactly going to wave her face at them and go "HEY LOOK WHAT IVE DONE". She'll just keep her hood up... Although even that doesn't really hide the burns very well.

She's got Family Guy on again! I'm beginning to love it. I like the world dominating baby and the talking dog. I don't know their names. Keri's obsessions are starting to rub off on me! In fact it's on now while I'm writing this!

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 13 days

Written by Fox.

I bet you were hoping I was going to write that things were getting better. No hope! She had brief respite when her brother came to visit yesterday. He distracted her and they were having a great laugh playing charades for a couple of hours but things got a bit dodgy when Keri started hallucinating. Her little brother was really good with her though and while they were at the desk he put his arm around her shoulder while she leaned his head on him. He was very reassuring and didn't seem to bat an eyelid even though she was hallucinating. He is truly Keri's rock.

Keri had a really good catch up with our foster mum as well which definitely lifted Keri's spirits for a few hours. I think she needed a good phone call. Our foster mum is still recovering but she's a lot better than she was! Keri is going to talk to the support worker here who does home visits that need to be escorted and hopefully they'll have a conversation about a home visit. Fingers crossed. Although with Keri's mental health at the moment it may turn out a bit awkward than normal. If anyone takes Olanzapine, I'd love your feedback about dosage and how it helped or effected you with psychotic symptoms.

Keri's still been burning her face every day with the exception of today. She's freaked out twice due to her hallucinating. She even ended up on top of her wardrobe shouting at her hallucinated daughter and throwing boxes. The staff had to get her down and get some medication in her as she was getting really upset and distressed. Her bedroom was then locked and Keri was out in the communal area with her iPad and headphones. It happened again a couple of hours ago when she went into her bathroom to wash. She hallucinated again and shouted out to the nurse just outside, despite the fact she was half naked... That's how freaked out she was! Dignity wasn't even an issue! Everyone's quite worried about Keri's mental health slowly getting worse. A lot of them have commented and have said they really don't like this. I don't blame them. She's back on one to one smoking. She was off it for a couple of days but due to the events of today the staff have had to take charge and responsibility as Keri is currently incapable of doing so.

Just have to keep praying that things will be okay. I read her care plan earlier and it mentioned that if Keri can't handle the responsibility of having her lighter etc then it's been discussed that she may have to be moved to ECH which is the psychiatric intensive care unit next door, otherwise known as a PICU. Let's hope it doesn't get to that point.

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 9 days

Written by Fox.

****** TRIGGER WARNING - Photos I took of Keri at the bottom again. Stop scrolling at the line of stars at the bottom of the post if you feel you may be triggered.

Keri has destroyed her face now all because of her being haunted by her daughter. The staff temporarily put in place that she couldn't have a lighter and had to go out on one to one while smoking but that still didn't stop her so now they've just given back her lighter. They know she'll do it even if they try putting things in place to stop her so it was pointless just restricting her more and more if things aren't helping. A lot of the staff do try doing one to ones at night though. On a couple of occasions Keri has dissociated into a trance and started rapidly writing all over the floor not realising what she was writing. The staff take a while trying to get Keri's attention as she's normally unresponsive until someone touches her but then she freaks out so I'm very glad the staff have gotten used to this and know to say who they are and where she is and give her some medication to keep her calm.

In her last ward round the psychiatrist has said that there's two locked units that he's going to refer Keri to. One is called Heatherwood Court (which is the preferable option for both Keri and the rest of her mental health team) and the other is St. Andrews. So it's a waiting game for a few more months again. Her psychiatrist also changed a lot of her medication in one session. He put her Diazepam back up to 30mg instead of continuing to wean off, he's put her straight onto 10mg of Olanzapine instead of Quetiapine, he's added another 50mg to her Sertraline dose... It's ridiculous. I'm wondering why Keri isn't in a coma half the time and why she still isn't sleeping! At about 11pm she was given 10mg Olanzapine, 10mg Diazepam, 2mg Lorazepam and 50mg Promethazine. Maybe I'm wrong but shouldn't Keri be asleep by now even though it's only been half an hour? They have given her a lot as she was crying and crying.. Staff even made her a nice hot chocolate. I can't emphasise how much they're really taking care of her. Plus she's still alive! Despite another ligature attempt.

She had a surprise visit from her old respite carers the other evening which was really nice for Keri. I haven't seen her laugh properly for weeks but they were really good at cheering her up. They've even offered to take her with them to their caravan once her mental health is better which Keri will love. 

I hope very much that Keri gets better soon. I know she's got a long way to go but at least getting her out of her depression and suicidality (including the stress-induced psychotic symptoms she gets). She's definitely not going to get any unescorted leave now it's decided she's going to a locked ward. Sally will take any chance to run.

And look at this! This arrived today for Keri. It was Jyestha's emergency care package that she sent. It's nine packets of timtams! Her brother might actually get to taste some on Saturday as Keri is pretty much fluid fasting, even though she just gave in to a cupcake her one to one brought in with a hot chocolate! Her body was craving sugar I think due to her crying.

At least we now know where Keri will be going and the waiting is the hard bit. The nurses are supportive and her bathroom is still locked and supervised. At least she's alive but at times it's just like she's a walking zombie. She spends most of her time lying or sitting on her bed. Her social life is limited as she's keeping herself withdrawn. Keep messaging her guys! Maybe it'll bring her out of her shell!

Will catch up with you soon guys!

**** Trigger Stars! Stop scrolling if you feel vulnerable. **************

This side is still swollen 😞

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 4 days

Written by Fox.

*****TRIGGER WARNING: Photo of Keri at the bottom of this post with the second-degree burns she's done over last night and the night before.*****

Well, with even more sleep deprivation I think Keri's setting the world record of how many times she can break down into tears in one day with staff having to try calming her down! She's very emotional right now which is another common side effect of not sleeping enough. After falling asleep at gone 3am she was back up before 6am. She was trying to force herself to stay awake but fell asleep for another hour at 8am. She's in serious need for some extra temporary sleep medication. The nurses said that even if the medication made her do nothing but be in bed for a few days it might calm down a lot of her symptoms.

Like I said last night about being very doubtful Keri was going to get through the night without any more burns on her face, well, I was right. I managed to get out for a minute or two to quickly nab a photo. That's why there's a trigger warning at the beginning of the post. The photo was taken this afternoon so won't include any damage tonight and, considering how much she's been crying about how horrible she is as a human being, I'm thinking she'll be adding more. I hope she doesn't go to the extent of having burns all over her face! I hate to see her in this state as it is!

She had a quick appointment with the physio today who gave her some mobility exercises to do for the next three days for when the physio starts seeing her again when she comes back into work on Tuesday. Her therapy session with her psychotherapist wasn't too successful. Keri went into a dissociative trance again and subconsciously started drawing while Fiona read to her for an hour. The rest of us could hear what Fiona was talking about but it felt like hearing it all underwater. She was trying to talk about coping with crisis. Despite Keri burning her face and trying to get away with ligatures, she's coping okay. Some people would be gobsmacked that I'd say that but considering what Keri is capable of doing, it may still be a terrible position to be in, but it definitely could be worse.

She managed to get out with staff again and get her nice sugary costa cooler thing. She's had a lot of sugary drinks today as she's now decided to start fluid fasting until she manages to get down to 40kg again, which will ruin the progress she made working to get her weight up to 50kg! Keri's seriously gone passed caring now though.

There was outrage when Keri heard about the professionals meeting yesterday. It was the psychiatrist and other staff from the ward. Her psychotherapist, personal advisor and care coordinator weren't there. Keri was so angry! You should've seen her shooting to Tesco on her crutches with staff to get her costa! The adrenaline was unbelievable! She's definitely crash landed though. She's short-tempered, agitated, exhausted, suicidal and overall, crap. Though staff spoke to her after reading the minutes of the meeting and apparently it went well and everyone is fighting to get her into a specialist placement for dissociative disorders, even if it takes several months to find somewhere suitable. Keri was glad that they were concentrating on her primary diagnoses of Dissociative Identity Disorder and her psychosis, rather than looking at her secondary diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. Me and David were very relieved to hear that! Now we've just got to get Keri through the next few months...

I really hope she doesn't do any more damage tonight. She's going to be on one to one every now and again so that she's kept a close eye on. The staff don't want anything to happen to her, especially trying to kill herself using bloody shoelaces!

************************

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 3 days

Written by Fox.

Keri had yet another sleep deprived night and only fell asleep properly around 11am this morning which meant she was in no condition to get out of bed to do her physio for her ankle today. She's seeing Keri every day anyway so she'll be back tomorrow morning.

Keri's managed to go out a couple if times with one of her most trusted staff again which has been nice getting Keri off the ward. He managed to lighten Keri's mood a little bit temporarily which I'm quite glad of. She's definitely built some upper arm muscle! She's finding being on crutches a lot less tiring than it was a week ago.

There's been a lot of people talking to Keri today about how she views herself. When asked about why she burned her face and her replying that if she's a monster on the inside then she should look like one on the outside, the staff have all said to her that she's not a horrible human being and not even close to being some kind of monster. Unsurprisingly this hasn't changed Keri's view of herself. She's now back to starving herself, vomiting, and ruining her face with more cigarette burns. It's a good job that the night shift staff are so supportive (and the day staff of course), especially when it means Keri needs to be on one to one obs for a while if she gets very distressed and scared.

Turns out the people working tonight are people that know Keri is having a terrible time. She's on one to one at the moment in her room with a member of staff to see if they can make sure that she doesn't burn her face again, unfortunately those thoughts are very strong in her head. I'm highly doubtful that by tomorrow morning Keri won't have additional burns on her face.

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 2 days

Written by Fox.

If things get much worse then the psychiatrist is going to have no choice but to send Keri to a psychiatric intensive care unit like ECH which is next door. She's still not sleeping well at all and can't concentrate on anything. When her psychotherapist came to see her on Monday, she was there for fifteen minutes speaking to Keri but she wasn't listening to a word she was saying. All she did was zone out and nod at the appropriate times. If I have to, I'll have to see the psychotherapist myself on Friday!

The night before last Keri and Sally decided that it was a good idea to commit suicide. Keri planned out how to sneak her dressing gown robe into the bathroom before her shower and also figured out how and where she was going to tie it for maximum effectiveness. A member of staff was sat outside while Keri had her shower, calling out to check she was okay every few minutes. Halfway through her shower she got freaked out by her hallucinations again. She didn't even dry herself off and just dumped some clothes on. She went straight to where she tied the noose she'd made. It was a very hard fight. Keri and Sally were fighting against me, David, Clari and five other alters. It was very hard to do but luckily after a couple of minutes when Keri stopped responding to the staff outside, all four of the staff on the night shift ended up opening her door and checking what was going on. She was in tears on her bathroom floor next to where she'd tied her ligature. The staff managed to pick her up and take her out to have a cigarette. Two of the staff went out with her while another went and got some additional medication. It took a long time for Keri to calm down and even drugged up to the eyeballs she was still being freaked out. After a couple of hours she did calm down a little, the medication made her body feel like a ton of bricks. The staff untied the noose from her bathroom and took it away obviously so she no longer has that, however she has a lot of stuff in her room!

Last night she went nuts again. She was thinking about acting on her suicidal thoughts again but decided to go to the desk and speak to staff about how distressed she was and her hallucinations. She didn't even really need to talk as you could tell just by looking at her what state she was in. There were two staff at reception, one of them went to get Keri extra medication. While Keri waited she saw the little girl again and she was shouting at Keri. When the staff came out with her medication she was well passed listening. The girl was getting louder and louder before Keri just lashed out and then ran into the staff area and huddled under the reception desk in the corner. This then involved all four staff having to try coaxing her out as she was too terrified to move. I've never seen her this bad while she's been regularly taking all her medication! Her ward round was pointless as her usual psychiatrist wasn't there and Keri's attention span is close to non-existent. The longest she's managed to keep most of her attention was when she phoned our foster mum today. Although it's been several hours since the call and Keri has pretty much forgotten everything they talked about. Her memory is terrible which is also a side effect of the sleep deprivation. She can't remember half the conversations she's had, though she's used to it because of dissociating anyway and with the way she's feeling she honestly doesn't care!

Another four weeks and Keri will get off her crutches and I think the first thing to happen will be Sally or Keri absconding! If I haven't mentioned why she's on crutches it was because she spent five days persistently pacing around the garden for several hours a day. She hurt her ankle after about day two but continued anyway. She's been seeing the physio every weekday and thankfully her ankle is improving but it won't be completely mobile for at least a few weeks from now.

Well, the night shift has just come on. Keri's already getting agitated. Hopefully we will have a calmer evening than the last two nights though. And hopefully Keri sleeps!! Send us some sleepy messages!

Edit: Keri has now gone and burned her face because she feels like a monster and wants people to think she's too horrible to go near. This is of course not true as she is not a monster. She's holding other people's responsibilities and guilt that she in no way should have to hold onto yet she can't see the other perspective. She is a loveable and funny woman and people love her company. Her self esteem has never been lower. The only times she's self harmed on her face is while she was psychotic last year and tried cutting a bug out of her head and one other time when Sally was angry and wanted to teach Keri a lesson which resulted in Keri needing stitches on her face. She's never done it deliberately like this before, and the pain she felt did disappear but only temporarily and now it's back. Relief only lasted a few minutes if that!

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 30 days

Written by Fox.

Wow, I didn't realise it had been so long since I wrote a post. I've almost forgotten how to blog! Sorry for the lack of posts but we've been pretty preoccupied with Sally. Since last posting she's now come out a few times and staff have had to restrain her, inject her and put her in seclusion until me and David are able to get Keri back out again, which is normally only possible right now if Sally's a bit drugged up. Luckily they have an intramuscular injection written on her chart in case of these emergencies.

Her eating? She was doing very well. She even managed to get her weight up to 50kg which, according to staff and the dietician is a perfect weight for her. Though because her BMI wasn't under 17.5 and is now in the healthy range she's now extremely annoyed that they haven't taken the eating disorder label away and have said she's bulimic instead! She thought it would disappear and the staff wouldn't think about it anymore. Unfortunately quite recently Keri's eating has got progressively worse and the only time she eats is after a severe flashback or panic attack and she needs sugar (I don't know about you guys but that's what Keri's body craves after that kind of thing happens).

Keri's section has now been renewed. Considering it's now the third Section 3 she's detained on this one doesn't have to be renewed for another twelve months whereas the first two were only six months each. No one has any idea where Keri is going or what treatment she's having. She's had a medium secure assessment and a forensic assessment, both of which have ended up in written reviews which will be discussed at Keri's CPA on Tuesday. She's terrified as all of this has been done behind her back. She wasn't even told about the assessments until an hour before any of them arrived (which were only four days apart!). Her psychiatrist will have the letters they've all written and a decision should be made during the part of the CPA Keri isn't allowed into. The forensic assessment didn't go very well and Keri got more and more passive aggressive the more she got annoyed. In the end she called the guy retarded and incompetent and then walked out...

Her bathroom is being kept locked due to her strong suicidal intent (she tried to kill herself with a ligature but thankfully staff stopped her). Since then her bathroom is locked unless she's supervised, which means any toilet or shower requests are done with a member of staff (female normally) standing just by the door. During the day she also keeps her bedroom door open as she's on ten minute obs and if something happens during those ten minutes the staff will hear. This is also the case at night and on the rare occasion that Keri does actually fall asleep the staff close the door until she wakes up. She was on one to one during night hours for a while but is slowly being weaned off depending on the situation. The situation at the moment isn't great as for the last four days she's had less than three hours sleep each night and is in severe sleep deprivation mode which the staff have noticed. It's got to the point that even though Keri is on the maximum dose of her antipsychotics she's started hallucinating again. It freaked her out so much this evening that she's been sat with staff talking about it and actually stayed out of her room for a whole three hours! Unbelievable isn't it?

The good thing is Keri is getting out each day to have a Costa, normally with one of her most trusted members of staff, she is still getting to see her brother who visits every week, she has 24 hour support from the staff and they've taken precautions to stop her doing serious harm to herself (which isn't a good thing in Keri's eyes but it is in mine!). I'm hoping to start blogging more now as I'm getting stressed trying to help David with Sally and this is my only way to vent. I know it's my safest way too as it not only gives people an insight into the life of someone with D.I.D. and other mental illnesses but it's safe for me to do on my own as Keri doesn't read any of the blog posts. I hope you guys are okay. We are definitely struggling but taking one day at a time as we're worried about our foster family too. Our foster mum had pneumonia and is slowly recovering, her foster dad has injured his back, one of her older foster brothers had an operation on his knee, and her other older foster brother had his business ruined when some selfish idiots went and robbed his place and stole all his motorbikes, quad bikes, tools, aka anything that was valuable and they could get their dirty little hands on.

To those that are also struggling, Keri is repetitively listening to a song by Nickelback. It's called Lullaby. It reminds her of people that care about her and sometimes she's listening as if those people are singing it to her, like her foster family or her brother. 

Keri is now seriously freaked by 'walking ghosts'. She's going to be on one to one with a member of staff soon after they get her a hot chocolate so I'm quickly adding this on. She thinks she's seeing dead people. Very upsettingly she's seeing a six year old girl who is claiming to be her dead daughter and asking Keri "Why did you let him kill me?" Keri, me, David and some others know about the story behind this but I'm not going to tell it. Both for legal reasons and from the point I really don't want to go there. What I can say is even though it's making Keri cry it's one of the first times I've seen Sally on the verge of tears as well. With a psychotherapy appointment booked tomorrow, everything could end up like an explosion, that's if Keri doesn't refuse to see her psychotherapist or if she does see her, actually listen to a word she's saying instead of sitting there in a dissociative trance... Let's just say Keri hasn't found her therapy sessions very useful recently and is starting to just disengage with everyone and deny that she even exists. 😞

Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 28 days

Written by Fox.

Jesus. I think it's time for some kind of intervention or something here! Keri's gone completely looped this evening, or more rightly the last 4 hours considering it's nearly 4am.

I thought the day started quite well. Keri was given her Quetiapine and also some extra Lorazepam for her home visit just in case, the staff read her diary and also checked her bag; both before leaving and also on coming back as there was a very short period where Keri's foster mum was showing Keri's 'pet nurse', as she called her, around the garden. Keri didn't dissociate but because she could've dissociated and dashed in and out the kitchen they checked anyway. Her home visit went very well. Like I said in my last post, I knew she'd feel differently as soon as she stepped foot in that door. She described it as 'walking on the clouds of heaven'! She was happy to see her foster mum but was getting really confused over the fact she knew so much of what Keri was doing. Keri still thinks I'm taking a break from blog posts so doesn't know her foster mum sees them. She was only able to stay for just over an hour but an hour was all Keri needed. She was out of hospital, despite being escorted, and she felt like she was home again. I will admit that there were a lot of us that were reluctant to leave and come back to the hospital but did anyway without any hassle from Sally as me and David had that covered. If you're reading this, thank you for letting Keri visit! 

For a few hours Keri was actually feeling a bit better. For some reason from about 11.30pm she's just... I don't even know how to explain it. She's self-harmed several times again and now has dressings all the way up her left forearm, she's in and out of dissociative trances and isn't really able to listen to anyone and is getting preoccupied (which one of the nurses pointed out when he was sorting out Keri's arm, stating that she was a lot more distracted than usual). She's spent a lot of the last few hours rocking on her bed, shouting random things in rhymes and when she's outside smoking she's climbing on all the garden furniture and jumping from bench to bench! She's been dosed up to her eyeballs again but she's just completely manic, but very depressed. It's weirding me out! I don't like it! She's not even close to going to bed and keeps wandering round and round in figures of eight. I don't understand how she was okay one minute then suddenly switched to this! And I know it's not another personality as I deliberately checked to make sure. 

She saw the dietician who said she'd bought Keri a cereal bar to eat each day. She gave Keri one today which sat on her bedside table. Once it started getting dark she went out in the garden while no one was watching, took it out the wrapper, chucked it over the fence then went back to her room and strategically placed the empty wrapper very noticeably in her bin so she knew the staff would see it and write on her fluid/food intake chart that she's had a cereal bar when in reality she's eaten naff all.

I really hope her psychotherapist is able to do something if she's still like this tomorrow as I'm really at a loss. David has no idea what to do either and several personalities have decided to start arguing about cheese! What is this world coming to right now! Someone explain it to me because... I don't understand and normally I understand things ten times better than anyone else internally. But now I'm clueless. I'm never clueless. Does that mean there's something wrong with me too? If I spoke, I'd be shouting at a wall right now, and I'm pretty passive!

Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 26 days

Written by Fox.

Well, it's been a week since I was last able to write any kind of post. Internally and externally things have just been chaos. Sally is still homicidal, Trixie has now been conned by Sally and now thinks she's a completely separate person again so an overdose would be on the cards but thank you for giving Keri a sensible psychiatrist! Keri has been here for over a month and usually after a week of being transferred to a different ward she's able to have unescorted leave. This time it hasn't been the case on this ward as there's various factors that prevent it being safe for Keri to go out; Sally wants to murder people with no thought to the consequences, Trixie wants to overdose and Keri wants to drown us all out with vodka. Only in the last two days, Keri has self harmed ten times! She had less than two hours sleep last night and it's likely the same will happen again tonight.

Her eating? Don't go there. For a while Keri was buying food and throwing up, or she's just not bothering to eat. The dietician is concerned and I caught a glimpse of the first page of their observation folder (as far as I'm aware Keri didn't see it). They have a sheet specifically for recording Keri's fluid and food intake, and they know she's been making herself sick due to the fact they keep a close eye after she's finished eating and know when she's locked her door and disappeared into her bathroom. The dietician suggested to Keri that it might be best to have the staff lock her ensuite door every time she buys food. Keri was dead against this as she said she'd completely panic and not eat at all. She won't make herself sick in one of the public toilets and she told the dietician that who completely understood that it was a 'private affair'. What help is that?

She fasted for a few days and then binged today. She's planning another fast starting, well, at 7.15pm which is over 6 hours ago.

She was able to meet with her personal advisor yesterday who brought along the virtual school officer (she will pay for Keri to do any online course for qualifications, a couple of years ago she managed to get an A Level in Psychology!). At first I thought Keri was optimistic, then realised she was faking which meant Clari half came out. Keri was talking but Clari kept her tone of voice quite upbeat and got her laughing. Truth is, Keri's too depressed to care.

Her ward round today consisted of Keri getting more and more annoyed with the staff and her psychiatrist. What's the saying? The straw that breaks the camel's back? That might end up being tomorrow if her tribunal result ends up being that her section is to remain as it is, which is going to happen. Keri made it quite clear what she wanted and said straight out to everyone in the room "All I want is fucking discharge papers and a bottle of vodka". She's going to be called alcohol dependent at this rate!

Her psychotherapist made it to the ward round and spoke to the psychiatrist before and after Keri was in there. Her opinion is to remove any contact Keri has with her mother and her mother's boyfriend for 2 - 3 months and then review it. For me I think this is good. Keri may want to see her mum on a biological level but it's not good for Keri. She always seems to go a bit loopy after her mum leaves. Coincidence? Some people think it is. Most people don't. And Keri needs to concentrate on her therapy right now, even though her brain is telling her to tell everyone to 'fuck off'. She was excited a few days ago that someone finally sorted out some escorted home leave to her foster parents, but now there's no enthusiasm for anything! I do think that when she actually gets there she might feel differently (although I'm going to text our foster mum and get her to hide the knifes from the magnetic strip they have! Not because I think Sally will come out but if they're out of sight they're out of mind and me and David won't have to start fighting with her if she glimpses one. If they're in a drawer, not a problem).

Her antipsychotics and other medications better kick in properly soon or Keri's going to end up in a very deep hole, though I'm worried she is already. She can't openly discuss her feelings. She tells the staff she's fine all the time even though one member of staff here has commented on her change in mood and behaviour as he's worked nights the last couple of days (Jamie's actually got a crush on the guy!). Keri may think she's not giving them any leverage by not talking about anything but in reality her brain has gone haywire..

Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 19 days

Written by Fox.

Keri had barely said a word at all yesterday and was having a hell of a lot of crying episodes but still remembered to text her foster mum and say happy birthday (which I find great with Keri, no matter how terrible she feels she will always remember other people, although that can sometimes be her downfall). Instead of texting back, Keri's foster mum rang her. It's the most she had spoken all day! She even got to talk to one of her older foster brothers. There were a few fake laughs from Keri's end but there were some genuine smiles. Keri was really happy that her foster mum liked her present! It's the little things.

Keri had her ward round today which I think went well. Keri's Quetiapine dose has now been maxed out at 800mg per day. The doctor is going to speak to Alder to see if Keri's allowed back as the wait for specialist advice and assessment is going to take several months and the acute ward is making Keri extremely depressed. I'm just worried about Sally. We've been on this ward for a month. Just because Sally hasn't been able to get out and try killing Keri's parents does that mean everything's going to be all better and changed if she manages to get back onto the rehab ward? I don't think so. A nurse should also have phoned Keri's foster mum as Keri asked about home leave again. I'm doubting they bothered to phone her as I don't think they did last time. Or they might've done. I'm not sure. Me and David are missing bits because of trying to deal with Sally.

Speaking of her, she tried getting over the fence this evening and it was seriously raining. Sally has the strength to get over (whereas Keri needs a bin or something to help as she's a bit of a weakling due to no food etc etc) but if you've got no grip you've got no chance. This got Sally really annoyed but she was out long enough for me and David to pull her back in. I had wondered whether something was going to happen as she'd been suspiciously quiet. Keri doesn't know that Sally tried absconding but I think me or David will get around to telling her at some stage tonight. It's pointless removing the bin from the garden as Sally didn't even bother getting it. She just ran at the fence, jumped and grabbed the top of the fence. Maybe we should enter her for the Olympics! That would be cool. I wish someone was around to record these things on video. Sally would look like some kind of spider monkey.

Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 17 days

Written by Fox.

Sorry it's taken so long to write today's blog post guys but Keri has had a really rough evening. She's been depressed all day and crying. She's suicidal and she wants to abscond. Earlier she posted on Facebook about stigma against mental illness and about ten minutes later was in tears again and tried climbing the fence (though thankfully the amount of medication she's had didn't give her much strength to go on, nor has her not eating) so that upset her even more. Sally is still unusually quiet. I was surprised she didn't come out to help Keri over the fence.

She's just had more medication so I'm hoping she'll calm down. I was hoping the messages that were put on Facebook for her would get through to her but she's in too deep to get a bit of hope out. When she was out a minute ago she was looking around her room for a way to kill herself without any risk of the staff finding out about it before it kills her (she doesn't want to end up like a vegetable). That's why she tried getting over the fence as she's obsessing over the suspension bridge again, although now she's focusing on jumping over the wall of the bridge instead of getting over the barrier on the middle of the bridge. It's a lower fall but it's still a few hundred feet! 

I don't know how to cheer her up. I hate seeing her crying. I hate seeing her suicidal thoughts as if she manages to get out and do them then that means I die too, and so do the rest of us! I don't want to go out of this life that way. I'll give £100 to anyone who can make Keri smile! Strangely I think I'll be able to hold onto the money. If she holds out until her ward round them I'm really hoping the psychiatrist will do something about this! That's if she doesn't completely lose it tomorrow. Actually, today as it's now gone 12.30AM.

Thinking of you guys!

Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 16 days

Written by Fox.

The day didn't go by a good start. Keri had less than three hours sleep and was up before 8am throwing up in her toilet due to her nightmares. After that she couldn't get herself back into bed again so grounded herself by standing in the rain, smoking and getting herself orientated back into the present e.g. where she was, what month it was etc.

One of her key workers came into her room and sat with her as she was concerned over the fact Keri was up so early as it's never a good sign. She gave Keri her morning medication, along with additional sedatives. She's also planning on doing a DBT group twice a week for half an hour. As she knew Keri had done DBT for a year she suggested Keri help her with the group. She's pretty up for that. She wants to show she's at least trying to do things rather than do what she wants aka hiding under her duvet forever.

She managed to go out on leave in the afternoon and got really annoyed with the nurse as whenever she takes Keri to the supermarket she goes and does her own shopping too! Keri gets freaked out by loads of people and doesn't like to linger unless with someone she trusts completely. In and out, that's it, not lingering waiting for her escort!

Keri's light of her day was when her foster mum and kid foster brother turned up to visit. Considering how low she'd been for most of the day and how out of it she'd been on her medications she was still able to chat and even laugh! Considering her foster brother is only 15 he seemed quite comfortable being on an adult psychiatric ward. I was surprised. It's been a long while since I last saw him. He's changed a lot! Last time Keri saw him I wasn't really around so it's been a while. Keri gave her foster mum her birthday present but forgot to put her Mother's Day card with it! Although I'm sure Keri will see them again soon. She's going to ask the consultant for home leave for the third ward round running this week, hopefully he will agree now that Keri is finally off ten minute observation! 

I'm glad they came to see her as it'd been such a depressing day! We couldn't cheer her up at all so it made the rest of us feel like crap as well. I like seeing them. They're my family too!

Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 15 days

Written by Fox.

The problem with Keri is that when she's highly medicated it relaxes her body so it's not obvious to people that she's feeling terrible or anxious, if this is the case she has a horrible habit of putting on a "I'm ok" face which the staff seem to be falling for. I think even when she saw Fiona that she fell for it although I can't be definite.

No doctor has reviewed Keri although the student doctors have been bugging Keri again. Again, they end up attracted to her like magnets because of her DID. 

Keri's mainly been sat alone listening to her music today and not doing much else. She did manage to get off the ward with staff for half an hour but it wasn't very relaxing. Keri put on 'her face' but was panicking when she looked around every corner. Unfortunately even though she's now on 600mg of Quetiapine a day it still hasn't gotten rid of her psychotic symptoms. Hopefully by the time the doctor gets it up to 800mg a day we'll start seeing some difference, although she still doesn't recognise what's reality and what's not so that might cause a bit of friction. The consultant is very good with her actually and never uses the words paranoid or psychotic or delusional so Keri does listen to him. As soon as any of those words come up she completely tunes people out and becomes plain uncooperative!

Sally's been pissed so if she doesn't abscond tonight then Keri's going to be in shit needing stitches. I think I'd prefer Sally absconding with the way Keri's physical health is at the moment. Losing more blood is going to end up getting Keri on a bloody IV drip (if they can convince her to go to a medical hospital).

Good thing; nothing bad has happened today so far. Not outwardly anyway so that's good. Plus she hasn't collapsed or fainted so that's a good thing too! She's also preoccupied with her little brother as he's got early signs of appendicitis. Apparently it's too early to operate so he's just been given a load of painkillers and has to go back to the hospital tomorrow. We're hoping that tomorrow they'll turn around and say they can do the surgery so he doesn't have to continue being in so much pain. We're all thinking of you Jamie, although Sally not so much!

Edit (12AM): Sally has gone unusually quiet. She's not even shouting and me and David for trying to keep her from coming out either. It's making us all very suspicious. Although maybe we can enjoy the peace while it lasts, which hopefully will be a while!

Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 2 weeks

Written by Fox.

On the good side of things, Keri is able to form full sentences and slept like a log because of her medication! On the downside she's severely depressed and suicidal and is desperate to get out of hospital. Her self harm has been obscene (as in the quantity of the self harm not the depth).

A nurse spoke to her while she went on leave to tesco and Keri said all she wanted to do was go back and live with her foster parents but knew it wasn't possible as she recognises that she needs 24 hour care. The nurse said that it was possible if Keri's foster parents were happy to have a nurse arranged to be with Keri while no one could be around to supervise. Obviously this isn't possible but it was nice for Keri to know that it was possible to get a nurse to live with you for 24 hour care outside of hospital. Though obviously it's still unlikely she'll be discharged for a while... 

Tomorrow Keri's going to demand her section be lifted. I think chaos may ensue. What's the phrase? Keep calm and carry on?

Edit (1AM): Keri almost had another fainting episode so the nurse had to do her physical observations. She hadn't eaten for three days but has eaten today. She's going to have to be reviewed by a doctor tomorrow as her blood pressure is too low, her breathing is quite fast and her pulse is 140! About the only things that were good were her temperature and oxygen levels!

Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 13 days

Written by Fox.

Well, after a fair few weeks Keri managed to start being weaned off her Diazepam and had managed to get down to 24mg a day (8mg three times a day). But due to her agitation (the staff found her on her floor this afternoon banging her head to try and make her visions go away) the nurses spoke to the psychiatrist and he decided to put her back on 30mg (10mg three times a day) as she'd already maxed out her doses of Lorazepam the staff had given her to calm her down, they've seen her level of frustration because she's still being checked on every ten minutes. When she was on hourly observation they thought she was fine as they only saw her for thirty seconds an hour!

If I'm honest I haven't seen her this bad. She's struggling to put her sentences together again. I would've thought that the additional 150mg of Quetiapine the doctor put up after her ward round that she'd calm down but that hasn't happened. Most of the patients have stopped trying to get a conversation out of her as they can't understand what she's saying. The nurses are pretty good as they've got a lot of patience and tolerance so they can figure out what she's trying to spit out! She can still text people fairly well but it's taking her a while to write anything!

I'm sat watching Family Guy. It's pretty cool. When I come out I don't have any chaos going on, unlike when I'm inside and Keri has all this stuff going on, means the rest of us have to experience it as well. It's not fun. At least when I come out I can actually rest for a while! The staff never pick up on the fact it's me, they just think Keri's refusing to talk. She's pretty quiet and subdued at the moment anyway so it's not really much different. For the people that know me they'd know straight away who I am but considering the staff don't know Keri well they haven't figured out when she's been switching personalities yet. 

Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 12 days

Written by Fox.

Hey guys! I know it's been about three months since I last wrote a post but I went a bit loopy when Keri got weaned off her Quetiapine. She's now been back on it for several weeks and is even on a larger dose than before (although she's unfortunately still psychotic).

I wish I could say things have been good but they haven't. Keri managed to get back to Alder Unit but it barely lasted a month before they were forced to move her to Silver Birch which is another acute unit in the hospital. The reason for this is because one of Sally's memories leaked out and she was very upset by it. Instead of wanting to kill Keri, she turned her rage against Keri's parents. Somehow she managed to get to Keri's mum's house after going missing from the hospital, which resulted in Sally being faced with nearly a dozen officers who'd been called out by Keri's mum at her house. They all had riot shields and tazers as Sally was holding a ten inch blade, and Sally was dragged out of the house handcuffed and put in the back of a police van and brought back to the hospital. Due to the seriousness of this, Sally was taken by the police and a member of staff from Alder to the seclusion unit on another ward (which is basically an empty room with a mattress in it, if you can even call it a mattress). Sally remained in there for half an hour before Keri switched back and the first thing she asked the staff from Alder was why the hell she was in seclusion. The staff spoke to her and told her what happened through the intercom. Despite Keri being Keri again she was kept in seclusion for several hours and medicated so much that by the time they decided Keri could go back to Alder she could barely stand up on her feet.

The conditions for Keri going back to Alder was that her room was searched for any obvious weapon in case Sally came out again, Keri had to take more medication before leaving, and she had to be on 2-to-1 observation for the rest of the night (for those that don't know, 2-to-1 observation means that you have to be in visual sight of two members of staff at all times). When Keri got back to Alder she pretty much collapsed in bed and woke up the next morning with a member of staff still sat at her door. She was down to 1-to-1 observation and it was to remain that way.

What we didn't realise is that while Keri was blissfully ignorant to what the staff were doing behind the scenes, they were arranging to have her transferred to a more secure ward as she now had "attempted homicide" on her record which is very serious.

Keri's been here now for a day short of three weeks and she's still on ten minute observation due to her unpredictability. Sally came out on Sunday and decided to mess up Keri's arm. So now she's a bit stuck. People are making phone calls, trying to get specialist advice and trying to arrange a transfer to a more secure, long term facility until Keri is stable. She's very depressed and has taken a turn for the worse today. She's barely said a word to anyone and she's terrified to say anything. She trusts nobody. She had ward round today and the psychiatrist is putting up her dose of antipsychotics again as she's still exhibiting strange behaviours and thought patterns. Officially we found out she's diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder and Dissociative Identity Disorder with transient psychotic episodes. She has a tribunal at the beginning of June which her solicitor is going to for her but everyone's been blatantly honest and said there is no way on earth she's going to be able to get her section lifted, especially with Sally still expressing severe homocidal intent.

To give you an insight, Keri wrote this about two hours ago. I'm sure she won't mind me sharing it, although she doesn't really read the blog anyway!

"Sometimes I wonder how people can believe in God. These things are sent to test us? My family think I'm a lunatic. My foster family cares more and they aren't blood related. I hate having these illnesses. I hate having to rely on medication just to get me through the day. I hate how unpredictable I am. One minute I can be fine, the next Sally could be absconding with homicidal intent. I don't want to feel so depressed. All this noise in my head, the bug, the visions, all these fucking voices, my alters arguing. Some of the feelings I get make me such a horrible person. I know I will go to hell when I die but surely it has to be better than this?! I've been sectioned for nearly nine and a half months and all that's happened is I've bounced around wards and my mother's almost been killed. It's too late to help me now. I'm too fucked up. I'll die the same way I've lived, classed as a fucking lunatic. Who can love someone like me? I'm unloveable!!"

It breaks my heart knowing she feels like this but all me and David can do right now is try controlling Sally so Keri doesn't have to panic and worry all the time. I don't know how to help her, and neither does anyone else. She's in an emergency stage of treatment and with what's now on her record, I'm worried about where she'll go, how long for and whether Sally will eventually get what she wants. 

It's nice to be back in contact with you guys. Hopefully I can start posting more on the DID page :)

Blog Posts Suspended

For those that follow Fox's blog but don't follow our DID page, posts have been suspended as Fox is currently too unwell to write them. Here's the post I wrote on our DID page to make things a bit clearer. Hopefully he gets better soon and he can start doing his posts again, until then we've got to take care of him. Thanks for understanding. - Keri

Sectioned in Hospital - 6 months 1 day

Written by Fox.

DAY 186 - 9th February, Sunday

Keri's kept herself deliberately secluded and avoided talking to anyone, kept her head down and has been getting frustrated. Much like me! I really can't concentrate very much so these blog posts are going to be short. Keri did have a happy moment this evening when she got on the scales while the nurse was sorting out her medication and found she'd lost over 2kg in two days. Looks like that binge Clarissa had kick started Keri's metabolism. I think that'll mean that Keri will eat something in a couple of days. Maybe. Oh my god I can't think! It's taken me half an hour to write a paragraph! I'm feeling really emotional when normally I'm calm.

Sectioned in Hospital - 6 months

Written by Fox.

DAY 185 - 8th February, Saturday

It has been such a long day. It always is on a Saturday or a Sunday on Lime Ward. Keri didn't surface until about 2pm and she's spent all day fighting with Sally again. She's been pacing, she's been rocking, she's been punching things. Sally even came out and climbed onto the top of Keri's wardrobe to try jumping off to break one of Keri's arms but luckily David intervened and there was a twenty minute fight before David managed to fully come out and get Keri down from the wardrobe. Keri was put on hourly observation yesterday so the staff don't even know about that. 

Keri's been getting very frustrated today. She was talking to Carmel and said she felt it was pointless that we have to be locked in this ward for two weeks only to go back to Alder. She said all this admission was going to do was irritate her and 'piss off' Sally (which was proven when Sally decided to snap and climb on Keri's wardrobe). Keri doesn't even know about the wardrobe incident but after switching back from David she felt really distressed and overwhelmed. Thankfully she spent some time in the communal area tonight with her iPad but she still feels depressed. All she's thinking about is suicide and escape routes (which she ended up telling staff as she had started ranting so things kind of just spilled out). She also mentioned how annoyed she was over the fact the female gardens were being kept locked so her escape routes were a lot more limited... She has absolutely NO leave. Last time she saw Dr. Wilke was the day she arrived on Monday. He said she had two half an hour escorted leaves a day. Sally came out an hour or so after that so I'm assuming Dr. Wilke took it away as, even while escorted, the staff have said that the way Keri is presenting at the moment means it's too risky to go out because of dissociating and absconding. It's giving us all cabin fever but if that door opens then Sally's gone like a bolt of lightning. 

I'm still really restless and I really don't like it! I haven't felt like this for ages. I feel like I'm the one that helps hold everyone together. If I get distracted or upset then the whole family gets unsettled. As soon as things become unsettled it's really hard to settle things down again. 

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 30 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 184 - 7th February, Friday

Could Keri have gotten up in any more of a restless and annoyed mood? No! And now I'm feeling really restless and miserable which means poor Jimmy and Daniel are being neglected as I couldn't give them the proper attention that they wanted! I don't want them coming out in this hospital. Can you imagine a 4 year old wandering around an acute ward? Especially with some of the patients here.

Keri had her appointment with Fiona today but I couldn't pay much attention to what was going on. I really struggled trying to distract Jimmy and Daniel so David ended up having to help me. He even said I should go off and rest for a bit and get some help. I have no idea why I feel so off. Maybe I should see Fiona on Monday during Keri's next psychotherapy session. 

Well, Keri got up in a mood and as the day went on things seemed to get progressively worse, especially this evening as Sally has started partially coming out so Keri's starting to feel short tempered and angry. This little old woman kicked Keri tonight (although it wasn't even hard enough to leave a bruise but Sally still got annoyed). Keri just shouted "What the fuck was that for?" The woman then walked to the other side of the room where they were smoking and started muttering under her breath. Keri felt herself getting really angry so threw away her cigarette and went straight to her room. She spent nearly 20 minutes arguing with Sally as Sally wanted to come out and beat the little old lady up, whereas Keri knew this woman has dementia so tries not to take things personally (which is hard when Sally's quite dominant). Things are not going to be good tomorrow. One wrong word from someone and bang, Sally's going to ballistic. Although maybe that's a good thing. She needs to vent, even if it gets Keri into trouble. 

Good news though, Keri's found a replacement for her iPod. Well, actually Natalie mentioned it to me when I was trying to get her to the forefront of everything. Keri can sync all her iTunes music to her phone so can use that to plug her headphones into but it's just a pain for her because of the battery. The battery life of an iPod nano is a lot better than an iPhone 5s!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 29 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 183 - 6th February, Thursday

Keri spent a lot of time with her mum and her partner today, mainly playing Uno and chattering away. They're coming by next week. It was good for Keri to be with people that aren't involved with hospital stuff! They also brought her some coffee, coke, cigarettes... The mainstay of Keri's diet! There was definitely a self esteem boost as her mum seems to be terrible at Uno! Keri also tried a cigar that John brought in. Very dignified! She's got another one for later on. Next time they visit maybe John will be smoking a cigar!

There's been a lot of tetchiness going on this evening because of Sally. Keri has a psychotherapy appointment tomorrow and because Sally blames Fiona for us now being on a locked ward. Seeing Fiona = more anger. That's bad, but maybe the silver lining is that Sally won't be able to contain herself and will come out in the appointments.

Short post again! Hopefully it's all calm again tomorrow. 

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 4 weeks

Written by Fox.

DAY 182 - 5th February, Wednesday

Even though Keri's been on a rollercoaster again with her emotions she's still managed to be kept safe. She didn't surface until about 3pm so that might be why nothing has happened. She's only been awake for 9 hours! About the only thing that's really happened today is Keri met the new doctor and spent some time discussing her medication with Dr. Wilke. He also wants to take Keri off of her section at some stage but that might be complicated with Sally involved. Oh, and Bernie came and worked a late shift here this afternoon which was nice for Keri as it was a bit of familiarity from Alder. She phoned Alder today and had a chat with John, and to see if they could bring over her iPod charger except no one can find it! So now Keri has no iPod. NOT GOOD!

So that's a nice short blog post today, but short is good. It means there hasn't been chaos!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 27 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 181 - 4th February, Tuesday

It has actually been a stable day, as far as being on an acute ward can be. Keri's taken all her medication, she spent a couple of hours in the evening when it started getting dark out in the communal area watching programmes on her iPad, she's interacted with staff and Sally hasn't made any appearances. Even though Keri's still feeling really depressed she's trying very hard to stay calm. She's still being kept on ten minute obs and we found out today that her care plan said that the female gardens all had to be kept locked while Keri is here to avoid Keri absconding. The only garden open is the main garden which normally has other patients in it and is easy for the staff to monitor. She's now also on season 7 of Friends! Yes, she has no life. 

She's absolutely exhausted and didn't get up until about midday. She hasn't eaten for days again and the empty feeling is the only thing that's making her feel a little happier. Looking at herself? Well, that motivates her more to not eat. Who invented large vertical mirrors? Stupid person! At least she's catching up on sleep. So far the staff haven't started bugging her about it yet. Either they haven't picked up on it yet or they're leaving it to see whether Keri will start eating. She hasn't had her obs done since moving here so her weight hasn't been done. I doubt that would be written down on her notes so if Keri has lost weight she's going to get really excited and not have to worry about the staff worrying as it would be her first check with nothing to compare it to.

Let's hope that tomorrow morning Keri will stay fairly stable tomorrow as well but Sally's getting tetchy again. Keri's sworn to herself that if she starts feeling bad then she'll go to staff and try to talk to them rather than find herself being held face down on the floor again. I'm glad she's at least thinking logically about something!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 26 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 180 - 3rd February, Monday

Keri couldn't settle at all last night, even after all her medication. The staff eventually found her asleep by about 7am fully clothed lying on top of her duvet with her headphones in. Even though she didn't get to sleep until that ridiculous time she was awake before 10am! Her anxiety about being transferred to Lime Unit was getting to her but she managed to pack her stuff up just after getting up. We were all asking for our stuff! Most of the stuff in Keri's room isn't even hers or she doesn't like it!

Her anxiety levels were pretty good up until the point she had to walk out of the door of Alder Unit. She started panicking. Matt and Fi took Keri over to Lime with Nigel, a nurse who'd brought a new patient over from Lime. She was the one who's bed Keri was going to be having so they were essentially swapping except Keri still has her room waiting for her back on Alder. They managed to walk Keri over without Sally coming out and kicking off but Keri felt suddenly really upset as soon as the main entrance to Lime had been closed behind her. She hadn't even had her medication that morning as Sally had played the "take your meds and I'll come out" card so Keri's anxiety levels were worse than they would've been if she'd taken her tablets. Fi stayed with Keri for a while in her room and drew a couple of nice sticky notes for Keri to put on her wall. Motivational things to keep Keri going and remember it was only temporary.

Dr. Wilke wanted to see Keri and had a discussion with her in the ward round room. He's granted two half an hour escorted leaves a day. He asked whether Keri thought she should be on ten minute obs or hourly obs. Keri said hourly, so they put her on ten minutes, saying that they could put her on hourly depending on whether any risks showed up over several hours. He also decided that weaning Keri off of her Diazepam was a bad idea as it was needed as the mainstay for her anxiety symptoms. Instead he wants to wean her off of the Quetiapine to see if it provokes a psychotic episode (to try and find out whether her previous psychotic episode was triggered by extreme stress or whether she has a diagnosable psychotic disorder and needs the antipsychotics to keep the episodes from happening, or happen less frequently, or be less intense). The problem is Keri was put on so many medications and had the doses changed quite quickly in a short space of time so no one knows what medication is doing what or causing any side effects. As Keri's going to be an inpatient for a while they're able to mess around with her medication more freely than if she wasn't in hospital.

Keri went out into the garden and was pacing round in circles smoking and trying to get hold of her mum. Sally had started coming out so Keri was still mainly in control but had serious anger problems and was lashing out at inanimate objects. Fiona turned up for their psychotherapy appointment while Keri was just trying to phone her mum on her mobile. It was obvious that Keri was sharing her body with Sally as she shouted down the phone "Pick up the phone!". For the whole therapy session Keri was either kicking things or crying or Sally would eye up the fences.

In the end Keri lost it, despite Fiona's caring efforts to try and say something comforting or helpful. She said she couldn't take it on the unit anymore (baring in mind it had been less than two hours). She walked quickly inside and up to the desk.

"I want to go back to Alder," Keri said to Sim who was behind the desk.

"I'm afraid you can't do that, Keri," Sim said.

"What do you mean I can't go? My room is over there. I haven't even unpacked. Just let me out please!"

"You were sent here to keep you safe. We can't just transfer you back. That's not how it works."

"Yes it fucking is! All you have to do is sign a little piece of fucking paper and I can go!"

"It's all down to the doctors."

"Then go and get the doctors! I've just seen Dr. Wilke for fuck sake so just tell him to say I can go!"

"That's not going to happen. Hey, let's go in one of the rooms and have a chat."

"No! Will you just fucking listen? Just phone the manager on Alder! I can't stand this fucking place! Let me go the hell back!" 

By this point Keri was shouting, she was on the verge of crying and Sally was getting a lot more obvious. Keri started becoming unresponsive to staff and Fiona quickly cottoned on to the fact Sally was coming out and tried to get through to Keri but by that point it was too late. Keri had clocked that a patient was about to leave the unit and the staff were going to open the door. 

As soon as Nigel went round and opened the door, Sally immediately made a dash for the door from the reception desk and got to the door just a little too late. He managed to get the door shut. This really got Sally annoyed. She punched the door and refused to move away from it. Nigel set off the alarm and several staff turned up to try and help. At first they tried verbal negotiation to get Sally away from the door. That didn't work. They then tried light restraint. As soon as that happened Sally lost her temper. She doesn't like to be touched or told what to do. She was getting even more boiled over because of the fact the staff were calling her Keri. 

The plan was that the staff were going to calmly walk Keri to her room and sort everything out in there but once Sally kicked off and started hitting out at the staff they had no choice but to force her down onto the floor and hold her there. Keri came back out while being restrained on the floor, knowing straight away what had happened. She just burst into tears. Even though she was mainly herself, she was still very distressed and instinctively was lashing out at the staff herself while on the floor. They kept her on the floor for ten minutes before she started to calm down enough to get her off the floor (other staff members helping to keep other patients away). 

They got her on her knees and then had to keep her restrained as they got to her room and on her bed. She was hyperventilating, crying uncontrollably with nothing anyone could do, refusing any medication and getting outbursts of rage which would then result on the restraint being tightened again. As she was refusing medication, they had to go and speak to Dr. Wilke to get an emergency IM Lorazepam injection written up which took a fair while. After nearly two hours (roughly, time wasn't an issue right then!), Keri finally agreed to take the Lorazepam orally, knowing that if she didn't then she'd have to be held down and injected anyway. She was kept restrained until it took some effect so instead of five staff in her room it went down to three staff, then finally down to one member of staff. 

As she was no longer being restrained she thought it was time to chain smoke so she grabbed a packet of cigarettes and paced around the garden again. She was being kept on ten minute observation (which she's still on tonight and hasn't gone down to hourly due to Keri's distress). She ended up on the phone to her mum and when she asked when Keri wanted a visit Keri, without any hesitation, went "Today!" So her mum and John got into the car and drove up to see Keri this evening. They were planning on going to Bath anyway so it wasn't too bad. They spent a couple of hours together talking, smoking, drinking coffee... They got her some DVDs and her teddy bear from Alder on the way. Keri found it really good to have a visit but I think she's clinging really strongly onto her mum at the moment, maybe it's because she feels vulnerable and just wants her mum; but it could verge on being unhealthy. I'm not sure how that's going to pan out at the moment.

Keri's evening has been calmer as she's taken her medication. She's cleared her conscience by apologising to the five members of staff involved in having to restrain her and sort her out. Each one of them told her there was nothing for her to apologise about but Keri feels compelled to do that as she feels she is a burden on people. An example she used to the staff was the fact she's currently taking up two beds, one on Alder Unit and one on Lime Unit. Who cares? No one! As long as Keri starts getting better then the bed issue isn't even an issue! Speaking of beds, she should be dead by now. She didn't even have three hours sleep last night and she's still awake at nearly 2am. You can't blame me either! I came out to do the post as it's obvious how much Keri's head is racing and it's going to be at least a couple more hours before she even lies down. Where does this stamina come from?! 

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 25 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 179 - 2nd February, Sunday

Sally has spent most of her day being bugged by David to compromise so that Keri can get to Lime Unit without any hassle. It worked for part of the day but by the time it was the evening Keri was really struggling as Sally had suddenly turned on her and was shouting. She huddled on her bed clutching her head with more episodes of Friends passing by without her actually taking any of it in. Matt nipped into her room and noticed how bad she was getting which I was reassured by as I couldn't do anything! It's more helpful having external people being able to help, especially with one to one observation (it doesn't give Sally an hour head start to run off). 

I wasn't actually going to do a blog post today but it's now gone 3.30am with Keri not even grasping the concept of what people call 'sleep'. She's had all her medication but she can't even lie down. She's spent the night trying to pack but every time she starts packing Sally starts shouting even more. After a few minutes Keri gives up and has to take a break until the next time she can feel that she can deal with a few more minutes of Sally getting worse. I don't blame her for crying in her room while all this arguing and noise is going on. Even I'm getting a headache!

She's really depressed about having to go to Lime Unit but it's what's best for her, plus me, Clari and David don't mind going if it means it'll help Sally. Jimmy doesn't really mind as he's only 4. The only problem will be Sally. Although she's quite a manipulative person. Knowing our luck we'll be on our toes every day, she won't do anything, after a few weeks we get back and then she starts the same cycle again. I think there'll be a point when Sally finally snaps in no therapy session though. If she's going to be back on Lime then she'll be a time bomb waiting to come out, and she really hates our psychotherapist...

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 24 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 178 - 1st February, Saturday

Keri was up by 11am as she was looking forward to her aunt and uncle coming to visit on their way to the airport. She managed to stick to her new routine of going to bed at 3.15am whether she feels tired or not. She's not waking up feeling any more refreshed and her sleep is still restless. She even woke up during the night after having a nightmare and falling out of bed.

Her visit with her aunt and uncle was good. Keri enjoyed their company and catching up on what they've been up to and also letting them know about what was going on with her. They're going on holiday for a couple of weeks so managed to slip a visit in. Keri's hoping to start using FaceTime more to keep in contact with them, it just doesn't work out so well though if she's having a bad depressive episode, or is psychotic, or isn't herself. Jamie spent ages here and left totally exhausted, as was Keri! They even recorded a few videos. One in slow motion and another of them dancing on the Wii to the song Rock Lobster! I think their dancing is funny! She's been trying to put it on Facebook but it won't work!

Keri's still on one to one and has been pretty hysterical for periods. When her brother was here she was switching from crying to laughing to crying to laughing with tears in her eyes. She wanted to burst into tears. Even while she was laughing hysterically she was saying, "My life's so shit!" It was getting a bit worrying actually. Tonight she's now hit a really depressive episode. She's spoken to Ade a bit as she's been panicking about what would happen if Keri was on Lime Unit and it was decided she couldn't come back. Ade reassured her it was only temporary. It's nice to know what we aren't being dumped on someone else as usual when things get out of hand with Sally.

Tomorrow could turn out to be mayhem. Simon told Keri this afternoon that the plan is that he's arranging for Keri to be moved on Monday so that's only the day after tomorrow! Keri's planning to just pack the essentials but whether she gets round to being able to pack without Sally going completely mental I don't know. She might resort to the "do as I say or I'm coming out" tac tic. It worked on Monday! It happened so suddenly that Keri dissociated that no one could catch Sally even when they tried. She's not just a jogger, she's a bloody sprinter! Keep calm, Keri. Just keep calm! 

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 23 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 177 - 31st January, Friday

Oh dear. There's no chance of having a peaceful weekend. Keri had her CPA today and it's been decided that next week she's going to be admitted to Lime Unit again, the acute ward that she came from. Until then, she's staying on one to one. Hopefully the whole thing will maintain some safety. Unfortunately it hasn't fully sunk in with Keri yet, which is partly good as it means Sally hasn't really heard what the plan is yet. Everything is going to go terribly wrong now. Keri's panicking that something's going to happen, to the point she actually spent an hour throwing up. Her anxiety just came out of nowhere. Do the staff really think that Keri is going to be able to casually walk 50 yards across the car park to get to the unit without dissociating? That's if she doesn't dissociate before that. Sally is in no mood to be put on a locked ward. If they can actually get her on there then I don't think it's going to be long before she starts emerging during therapy. She's gotten used to the freedom too on this ward, much like Keri has. Being put on an acute ward for an indefinite period of time is going to force her into coming out. At least the rest of us might get a chance too as well if Sally starts letting off steam! Simon and the rest of huge staff have kept emphasising today about how it's only temporary and that her room will stay safe and the way it is until she's able to come back again with lower risk levels and after building up on some unescorted leave. Even so, Sally needs serious help before we can come back!

Keri tried interacting more with the staff as she wanted to stay as distracted as possible. She's trying to stick her head in the sand and pretend none of this is happening. She's spent most of the night unpacking things that Becki brought her today when she came in for the meeting. She's rearranged things, done her washing, cleaned, and also had another binge and vomit episode. Anything to keep herself trying not to think which is a hard thing to do when her mind is racing round and round like a formula one car! Now her focus is back to fasting again. Great. So now she's going to feel weaker again and it'll be hard getting her out of bed again. 

Me, David and Clari all want to go to Lime if it means we can come out for therapy too and even to do day to day things. Keri won't be happy with that as she'll feel out of control because of Sally. She's already annoyed because her Diazepam has been lowered by another 1mg. She wants to keep it to 9mg three times a day and not have anything fiddled about with until she gets back to the unit. She doesn't like the psychiatrist over there, Dr. Wilke. But she was told in her CPA that he seemed to really care and was happy to help out with the situation so Keri's opinion of him has slightly gone up a bit from "He's a dick" to "He's a bit of a dick". Baby steps!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 22 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 176 - 30th January, Thursday

Keri planned on getting up early and actually woke up at 11am, fifteen minutes before her alarm was due to go off. Did she get up? No, she rolled over and decided to go straight back to sleep. She didn't get up until about 1pm. She's completely exhausted! You can tell just by looking at her eyes that even though she's sleeping it isn't refreshing or restful. She'd really like to get back to going to sleep before midnight, getting up early, exercising for a couple of hours, showering and then being ready for the day. Matt went through the blog today and I was hanging around and listening and he mentioned that I should try writing my blog posts earlier so it's about 11.15pm now. Ade asked Keri whether she'd been able to get me to write it earlier and she said she hadn't. She spent ten minutes in her room trying to talk me out! I'll come and do it when I want to! But I have come out earlier, but none of us come out if someone starts clicking their fingers!

Becki visited today with Rob who's a new personal advisor and is shadowing Becki at the moment. Keri said she didn't mind that he could come along today. People need to learn don't they? And he definitely learned a lot from meeting Keri I'm sure! She's... a very interesting person. I don't know of any other way to describe her. Intelligent? Funny? Strong willed? Compassionate? Not fat!? All of the above? Although try telling her that and she will totally blank out the good bits. Becki basically had a chat with Keri about what was happening over the last week, occasionally stopping to fill Rob in on bits he didn't know about. She'll be coming tomorrow as well for Keri's CPA meeting, hopefully with some of Keri's stuff from storage. I don't know how she fits all her stuff in her room. It's like Mary Poppins.

Less than fifteen minutes after Becki and Rob had left, Keri's mum and John arrived to come and visit. They came with cigarettes (which Keri gave them the money for when they got here, she doesn't have leave to get them herself, she's still on one to one and confined to the ward) and some coffee pods for her coffee machine. Good old mochas. They're my favourite coffee! They had a chat, John enjoyed watching a bit of Friends as Fi has given Keri the box set of all the episodes to borrow. Overall it seemed to be a good visit but for some reason Keri was feeling really guilty afterwards and she couldn't figure out what she was feeling guilty for. She also didn't realise why she was feeling upset, or why she wanted to cry. Her mum or John didn't say anything wrong or triggering. Maybe it's still the underlying thing between Keri and her mum. Keri still hasn't forgiven her fully for making her out to be a liar for a couple of years. That triggered off a lot of Keri's more serious symptoms.

Keri spoke to the staff a bit this evening as she's still on one to one which means someone is always there. While Gemma was Keri's "appointed stalker" she spoke to Keri outside and said she wanted to be honest and give Keri warning that even though they'd sorted out the plan for dealing with Sally if they could, there is still a chance people will want Keri moved to a secure hospital because of the amount they're having to keep Keri on one to one observation, they don't have the resources. The silver lining is, IF Keri had to move then as long as there's a vacancy here she'd be able to come back again if risks were lower and things had started settling down. We'll find out the outcome tomorrow. If Keri starts getting too tetchy then I may have to come out for a bit to make sure Keri keeps calm. 

With Keri and Sally still fighting each other, her CPA could end one of two ways. Keri coming out fairly happy with the outcome, or Keri completely losing it, bursting into tears and Sally getting really tetchy. Let's hope for the first one shall we?

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 3 weeks

Written by Fox.

DAY 175 - 29th September, Wednesday

Nana (one of the student nurses on a placement with Fi) managed to actually get Keri up before midday. She definitely showed perseverance and it paid off. Keri was still on one to one so while she went outside to smoke she told Nana that she'd make a brilliant nurse because of her stubbornness! A person who can get Keri out of bed is someone who's definitely hard working! Some staff don't have the energy to even bother trying!

Keri's foster parents visited today and Keri really enjoyed their company. Keri made them some coffee from her machine and they had a long chat, catching up on things going on at home but mainly about what she was going to do about trying to stay out of a secure hospital. It left Keri thinking about it for a long while after her foster parents left. And she swore at herself as she wanted to give Liz her teddy bear back (a little teddy she got from her children saying World's Best Mum on it). Not because she wanted to throw away that special part she's got of her foster mum's but because she doesn't know where she'll move or if she'll stay on the ward and she doesn't want the poor bear getting lost on his travels.

Overall, besides still being confined to the ward on one to one obs, she's actually been in a fairly stable mood. This is partially to do with the fact she had her physical obs done today and has lost more weight. Keri felt like she'd ballooned in size, put on weight, and overall screwed herself up because of her bingeing and vomiting episodes but it turns out she hasn't gained any weight, quite the opposite! To be quite honest, no matter what weight she is, the day she knows she's going to be weighed she always feels like a badly inflated balloon and dreading the moment the scales beep and show her her weight. Because she'd lost weight she decided to treat herself to a small portion of the lasagne without throwing it up afterwards. Then later Fi kindly went out to go and get Keri her binge food which Keri then threw up. She's now fasting again with her motivation going well as she's feeling empty and loving the feeling.

Unfortunately it still doesn't stop the fight between Keri and Sally. Keri's rated her mood today about an average of 3/10, slipping down to about 2.5/10 tonight. She's hallucinating (visual and auditory) again but doesn't realise it, which is never a good thing as sometimes command hallucinations get Keri really worked up and she feels compelled to do what they say (not all the time obviously otherwise someone would've been murdered by now!).

Becki, Keri's mum and John are coming to visit Keri tomorrow. Hopefully Becki has managed to get Keri's stuff from social services storage. Keri's had no reply from her email so is hoping Becki won't turn up with none of her stuff. Becki has lost her mobile phone so email is the only way to contact her at the moment. Keri's mum and John will probably just chat on the ward for a bit with some coffee. Keri will be sending her mum to the supermarket to get her some cigarettes! They can't bring little Amos and take him for a walk as Keri has no leave, plus it would be unfair if he was having to sit in the back of a car for hours.

Keri's mood seems to be dipping again, although Ade has been talking to her while on one to one and he's normally pretty good at trying to distract her. Let's just hope she has some sleep tonight and doesn't wake up feeling even worse in the morning!

So here's the copy of the plan Keri and Gemma drew up if Sally were to come out again so that staff won't have to chase her without success and not even be able to get her by driving around in the ward car! I don't know where the bit about Keri's foster parents comes into it but that doesn't normally have an effect on Sally coming out so I think Keri will talk to the staff about that. Sure, she feels down if she hasn't seen them for weeks but it doesn't trigger off more dissociating!