Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 26 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 180 - 3rd February, Monday

Keri couldn't settle at all last night, even after all her medication. The staff eventually found her asleep by about 7am fully clothed lying on top of her duvet with her headphones in. Even though she didn't get to sleep until that ridiculous time she was awake before 10am! Her anxiety about being transferred to Lime Unit was getting to her but she managed to pack her stuff up just after getting up. We were all asking for our stuff! Most of the stuff in Keri's room isn't even hers or she doesn't like it!

Her anxiety levels were pretty good up until the point she had to walk out of the door of Alder Unit. She started panicking. Matt and Fi took Keri over to Lime with Nigel, a nurse who'd brought a new patient over from Lime. She was the one who's bed Keri was going to be having so they were essentially swapping except Keri still has her room waiting for her back on Alder. They managed to walk Keri over without Sally coming out and kicking off but Keri felt suddenly really upset as soon as the main entrance to Lime had been closed behind her. She hadn't even had her medication that morning as Sally had played the "take your meds and I'll come out" card so Keri's anxiety levels were worse than they would've been if she'd taken her tablets. Fi stayed with Keri for a while in her room and drew a couple of nice sticky notes for Keri to put on her wall. Motivational things to keep Keri going and remember it was only temporary.

Dr. Wilke wanted to see Keri and had a discussion with her in the ward round room. He's granted two half an hour escorted leaves a day. He asked whether Keri thought she should be on ten minute obs or hourly obs. Keri said hourly, so they put her on ten minutes, saying that they could put her on hourly depending on whether any risks showed up over several hours. He also decided that weaning Keri off of her Diazepam was a bad idea as it was needed as the mainstay for her anxiety symptoms. Instead he wants to wean her off of the Quetiapine to see if it provokes a psychotic episode (to try and find out whether her previous psychotic episode was triggered by extreme stress or whether she has a diagnosable psychotic disorder and needs the antipsychotics to keep the episodes from happening, or happen less frequently, or be less intense). The problem is Keri was put on so many medications and had the doses changed quite quickly in a short space of time so no one knows what medication is doing what or causing any side effects. As Keri's going to be an inpatient for a while they're able to mess around with her medication more freely than if she wasn't in hospital.

Keri went out into the garden and was pacing round in circles smoking and trying to get hold of her mum. Sally had started coming out so Keri was still mainly in control but had serious anger problems and was lashing out at inanimate objects. Fiona turned up for their psychotherapy appointment while Keri was just trying to phone her mum on her mobile. It was obvious that Keri was sharing her body with Sally as she shouted down the phone "Pick up the phone!". For the whole therapy session Keri was either kicking things or crying or Sally would eye up the fences.

In the end Keri lost it, despite Fiona's caring efforts to try and say something comforting or helpful. She said she couldn't take it on the unit anymore (baring in mind it had been less than two hours). She walked quickly inside and up to the desk.

"I want to go back to Alder," Keri said to Sim who was behind the desk.

"I'm afraid you can't do that, Keri," Sim said.

"What do you mean I can't go? My room is over there. I haven't even unpacked. Just let me out please!"

"You were sent here to keep you safe. We can't just transfer you back. That's not how it works."

"Yes it fucking is! All you have to do is sign a little piece of fucking paper and I can go!"

"It's all down to the doctors."

"Then go and get the doctors! I've just seen Dr. Wilke for fuck sake so just tell him to say I can go!"

"That's not going to happen. Hey, let's go in one of the rooms and have a chat."

"No! Will you just fucking listen? Just phone the manager on Alder! I can't stand this fucking place! Let me go the hell back!" 

By this point Keri was shouting, she was on the verge of crying and Sally was getting a lot more obvious. Keri started becoming unresponsive to staff and Fiona quickly cottoned on to the fact Sally was coming out and tried to get through to Keri but by that point it was too late. Keri had clocked that a patient was about to leave the unit and the staff were going to open the door. 

As soon as Nigel went round and opened the door, Sally immediately made a dash for the door from the reception desk and got to the door just a little too late. He managed to get the door shut. This really got Sally annoyed. She punched the door and refused to move away from it. Nigel set off the alarm and several staff turned up to try and help. At first they tried verbal negotiation to get Sally away from the door. That didn't work. They then tried light restraint. As soon as that happened Sally lost her temper. She doesn't like to be touched or told what to do. She was getting even more boiled over because of the fact the staff were calling her Keri. 

The plan was that the staff were going to calmly walk Keri to her room and sort everything out in there but once Sally kicked off and started hitting out at the staff they had no choice but to force her down onto the floor and hold her there. Keri came back out while being restrained on the floor, knowing straight away what had happened. She just burst into tears. Even though she was mainly herself, she was still very distressed and instinctively was lashing out at the staff herself while on the floor. They kept her on the floor for ten minutes before she started to calm down enough to get her off the floor (other staff members helping to keep other patients away). 

They got her on her knees and then had to keep her restrained as they got to her room and on her bed. She was hyperventilating, crying uncontrollably with nothing anyone could do, refusing any medication and getting outbursts of rage which would then result on the restraint being tightened again. As she was refusing medication, they had to go and speak to Dr. Wilke to get an emergency IM Lorazepam injection written up which took a fair while. After nearly two hours (roughly, time wasn't an issue right then!), Keri finally agreed to take the Lorazepam orally, knowing that if she didn't then she'd have to be held down and injected anyway. She was kept restrained until it took some effect so instead of five staff in her room it went down to three staff, then finally down to one member of staff. 

As she was no longer being restrained she thought it was time to chain smoke so she grabbed a packet of cigarettes and paced around the garden again. She was being kept on ten minute observation (which she's still on tonight and hasn't gone down to hourly due to Keri's distress). She ended up on the phone to her mum and when she asked when Keri wanted a visit Keri, without any hesitation, went "Today!" So her mum and John got into the car and drove up to see Keri this evening. They were planning on going to Bath anyway so it wasn't too bad. They spent a couple of hours together talking, smoking, drinking coffee... They got her some DVDs and her teddy bear from Alder on the way. Keri found it really good to have a visit but I think she's clinging really strongly onto her mum at the moment, maybe it's because she feels vulnerable and just wants her mum; but it could verge on being unhealthy. I'm not sure how that's going to pan out at the moment.

Keri's evening has been calmer as she's taken her medication. She's cleared her conscience by apologising to the five members of staff involved in having to restrain her and sort her out. Each one of them told her there was nothing for her to apologise about but Keri feels compelled to do that as she feels she is a burden on people. An example she used to the staff was the fact she's currently taking up two beds, one on Alder Unit and one on Lime Unit. Who cares? No one! As long as Keri starts getting better then the bed issue isn't even an issue! Speaking of beds, she should be dead by now. She didn't even have three hours sleep last night and she's still awake at nearly 2am. You can't blame me either! I came out to do the post as it's obvious how much Keri's head is racing and it's going to be at least a couple more hours before she even lies down. Where does this stamina come from?! 

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 52

Written by Fox.

DAY 52 - 28th September, Saturday

Keri didn't get out of bed until gone 2pm but less than 15 minutes after getting dressed her key nurse, Cat, came in and spoke to her. She told Keri that all her leave has been cancelled and isn't going to be reviewed until Monday. After what happened yesterday it hardly came as a surprise! It was established that Keri still felt the same so they kept the HDU garden locked so that Keri couldn't try getting over the fence while staff were in the main ward. Because Keri had been in bed she hadn't had her morning or midday medication so Cat went to get it for her and she took it without complaint. 

Keri's now officially on hourly obs, even though on paper they're supposed to check everyone every 10 minutes in the HDU. She found out that she'd been the only one on 10 minute obs, the other three patients were all fine! Everyone kept saying how quiet it was down there and Keri's ended up being restrained at least 3 times in the last 24 hours and been heard screaming and shouting both in seclusion and in her room. She's destroying the peace by being the most unpredictable patient on the ward right now! None of the staff know what's going to happen from one minute to the next at the moment!

Because Keri wasn't allowed out into the garden in the HDU she had to settle for going out into the communal garden which she didn't mind too much as Denny (pseudo name) was out there and Keri gets along very well with him. Keri sat and smoked, waiting for her medication to kick in. Then Bitch came outside (she was admitted again yesterday and after the evening Keri had it wasn't nice to have that piled on top! Luckily at that point she was on one to one).

At first she wasn't too bad. She was just annoying Keri with her tone deaf singing but then suddenly Bitch decided to turn on Keri and start being point blank nasty again. She was sat a few feet away on a bench next to another patient while Keri was sitting on the side of one of the big wooden vegetable patches. The wood is thick so it's like sitting on a bench, just slightly lower down. Eventually Bitch decided to sit next to Keri on the plant box. She carried on and on. Then came a point when Keri completely lost it. She stood up, grabbed Bitch by the collar of her coat and chucked her against the wall and onto the floor.

"Don't you fucking dare talk about things like that!" Keri screeched, as Bitch started to get up. "You know absolutely fuck all about me!"

"I'm not scared of you," Bitch said, as Keri held Bitch's collar in both hands.

"I don't give a shit if you're not scared of me!" Keri shouted. "One more word and I swear to god I will punch you."

"Go on then," Bitch said. "Nobody likes you. You're all on your own. You never get visitors. You're so nasty that not even your family want you anymore."

And with that, Keri clenched her fist and punched Bitch straight in the jaw before throwing her back against the wall and storming inside, Bitch attempting a feeble kick from behind. As Keri got back on the ward from the garden she went absolutely mental as she stormed up to the desk.

"That's fucking it!" Keri shouted at the nurse behind reception. "Either she leaves the ward or I do!"

"Keri," the nurse said. "What's happened?"

"That fucking bitch outside! If she doesn't get moved then I'm going to punch her again!" she shouted, crying uncontrollably. 

"You hit her?" the nurse said.

"She was asking for it! Ask any of the patients who were there, Denny is still sat outside and saw everything!"

One of the other patients at the desk put her arm around Keri's shoulders because she knew what Bitch was like and felt so sympathetic because of how hysterical Keri's crying was. Keri never cries that badly in front of people unless there's a VERY good reason for it. 

Suddenly Bitch came in from the garden and shouted Keri had stolen her cigarettes (which obviously she hadn't done and everyone knew that). One of the staff set the alarms off as it was obvious another fight was going to break out. 

"What's going on?" they asked.

"There's been a fight out in the garden," one of the nurses said.

Seven members of staff ended up having to sort out the situation. Two members of staff walked with Bitch to her room, not even holding onto her. She was still shouting provoking comments so Keri tried going for her again but there were too many staff members around and she ended up getting restrained by Cat and Andrex. They held onto her arms and tried getting her to her room down in the HDU. After they'd got there and it looked like Keri wasn't going to kick off and try running back to hit Bitch, Andrex left and Keri was sat with Cat on her bed. 

They had a long chat and Cat unlocked the HDU garden and sat with Keri while she had a cigarette and calmed down.

"Keri, I don't want you to feel like you're being punished," Cat said while they sat outside. "But I think it's best if we keep you staying down in the HDU for a while until you've calmed down. After that, and when you're calmer, then you can start using the communal areas okay? Will you give me your word that you won't try climbing the fence?"

"I won't," said Keri. "I feel a bit calmer now. I think some time out here with some cigarettes and watching something on my iPad will help. But I need to make a coffee."

"Give me your mug and I'll go to the dining area and get you a mug of hot water, then you can sort out your coffee down here."

Five minutes later and Keri was sat watching Orphan Black (great new series on the BBC if you haven't seen it yet), with a pack of cigarettes and a cup of coffee. After a couple of hours she was out in the communal areas again and hasn't seen Bitch since their fight!

The staff managed to persuade Keri to go down to Woodside to the gymnasium for an hour of badminton. This, in a way, is a good thing as it got her off the ward and away from Bitch. But the problem is it's exercise and Keri gets very obsessive. She's had nothing to eat today and all she thought about while playing badminton wasn't about winning or losing, it was about calories. It was a good time though, it was a good group of patients that went down with staff, all of which had unescorted leave besides Keri; but staff were there so it wasn't an issue as they were only going to the outpatients and therapies ward - aka Woodside.

Keri's finally been given a key to her room which also has a personal alarm attached to it just in case Bitch starts getting in her face again, Keri can just set it off and the staff will come out and make sure no other physical fights happen. The problem is it involved Keri being restrained again. All of it has to be put down on paperwork. They'll also have to write down on her risk assessment about physical aggression to other patients. Even though Keri was heavily provoked, it was still her that initiated a physical fight. With all this on her record, it's not looking good for her ward round. Luckily the staff know what Bitch is like and are going to try getting her moved again. Brian came to see Keri while she was restricted to the HDU for a short time and said that Bitch had been told she wasn't allowed near Keri and if she did then the staff would remove her from wherever Keri was; for instance if Keri was sat smoking and chatting in the communal garden and Bitch came out and started provoking her again then the staff would come out and take her either to the female garden or just onto the ward so that another fight doesn't break out.

Overall the staff are quite wary around Keri at the moment due to her risk and unpredictability. After speaking to Cat this morning Keri apologised about the night before and said she'd dissociated. Cat already knew that this was the case due to the extreme difference in her normal behaviour. Keri has never sworn at the staff directly or been violent towards them. Sally on the other hand did that last night, calling them pricks and trying to punch them. It was quite clear that it wasn't Keri. She's quite glad that the staff knew that! They've obviously learned over time about Keri's DID and what happens if she dissociates, especially if it's Sally.

Well, it's gone 12.30am so Keri will be going and getting her fifth dose of medication soon. I doubt she'll sleep very quickly though. She's too wound up. So I will just keep updating the DID page every now and then until she goes to sleep. I doubt it'll be for another few hours.

As they say, tomorrow is another day. A clean slate.