Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 28 days

Written by Fox.

Jesus. I think it's time for some kind of intervention or something here! Keri's gone completely looped this evening, or more rightly the last 4 hours considering it's nearly 4am.

I thought the day started quite well. Keri was given her Quetiapine and also some extra Lorazepam for her home visit just in case, the staff read her diary and also checked her bag; both before leaving and also on coming back as there was a very short period where Keri's foster mum was showing Keri's 'pet nurse', as she called her, around the garden. Keri didn't dissociate but because she could've dissociated and dashed in and out the kitchen they checked anyway. Her home visit went very well. Like I said in my last post, I knew she'd feel differently as soon as she stepped foot in that door. She described it as 'walking on the clouds of heaven'! She was happy to see her foster mum but was getting really confused over the fact she knew so much of what Keri was doing. Keri still thinks I'm taking a break from blog posts so doesn't know her foster mum sees them. She was only able to stay for just over an hour but an hour was all Keri needed. She was out of hospital, despite being escorted, and she felt like she was home again. I will admit that there were a lot of us that were reluctant to leave and come back to the hospital but did anyway without any hassle from Sally as me and David had that covered. If you're reading this, thank you for letting Keri visit! 

For a few hours Keri was actually feeling a bit better. For some reason from about 11.30pm she's just... I don't even know how to explain it. She's self-harmed several times again and now has dressings all the way up her left forearm, she's in and out of dissociative trances and isn't really able to listen to anyone and is getting preoccupied (which one of the nurses pointed out when he was sorting out Keri's arm, stating that she was a lot more distracted than usual). She's spent a lot of the last few hours rocking on her bed, shouting random things in rhymes and when she's outside smoking she's climbing on all the garden furniture and jumping from bench to bench! She's been dosed up to her eyeballs again but she's just completely manic, but very depressed. It's weirding me out! I don't like it! She's not even close to going to bed and keeps wandering round and round in figures of eight. I don't understand how she was okay one minute then suddenly switched to this! And I know it's not another personality as I deliberately checked to make sure. 

She saw the dietician who said she'd bought Keri a cereal bar to eat each day. She gave Keri one today which sat on her bedside table. Once it started getting dark she went out in the garden while no one was watching, took it out the wrapper, chucked it over the fence then went back to her room and strategically placed the empty wrapper very noticeably in her bin so she knew the staff would see it and write on her fluid/food intake chart that she's had a cereal bar when in reality she's eaten naff all.

I really hope her psychotherapist is able to do something if she's still like this tomorrow as I'm really at a loss. David has no idea what to do either and several personalities have decided to start arguing about cheese! What is this world coming to right now! Someone explain it to me because... I don't understand and normally I understand things ten times better than anyone else internally. But now I'm clueless. I'm never clueless. Does that mean there's something wrong with me too? If I spoke, I'd be shouting at a wall right now, and I'm pretty passive!

Sectioned in Hospital - 6 months 1 day

Written by Fox.

DAY 186 - 9th February, Sunday

Keri's kept herself deliberately secluded and avoided talking to anyone, kept her head down and has been getting frustrated. Much like me! I really can't concentrate very much so these blog posts are going to be short. Keri did have a happy moment this evening when she got on the scales while the nurse was sorting out her medication and found she'd lost over 2kg in two days. Looks like that binge Clarissa had kick started Keri's metabolism. I think that'll mean that Keri will eat something in a couple of days. Maybe. Oh my god I can't think! It's taken me half an hour to write a paragraph! I'm feeling really emotional when normally I'm calm.

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 27 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 181 - 4th February, Tuesday

It has actually been a stable day, as far as being on an acute ward can be. Keri's taken all her medication, she spent a couple of hours in the evening when it started getting dark out in the communal area watching programmes on her iPad, she's interacted with staff and Sally hasn't made any appearances. Even though Keri's still feeling really depressed she's trying very hard to stay calm. She's still being kept on ten minute obs and we found out today that her care plan said that the female gardens all had to be kept locked while Keri is here to avoid Keri absconding. The only garden open is the main garden which normally has other patients in it and is easy for the staff to monitor. She's now also on season 7 of Friends! Yes, she has no life. 

She's absolutely exhausted and didn't get up until about midday. She hasn't eaten for days again and the empty feeling is the only thing that's making her feel a little happier. Looking at herself? Well, that motivates her more to not eat. Who invented large vertical mirrors? Stupid person! At least she's catching up on sleep. So far the staff haven't started bugging her about it yet. Either they haven't picked up on it yet or they're leaving it to see whether Keri will start eating. She hasn't had her obs done since moving here so her weight hasn't been done. I doubt that would be written down on her notes so if Keri has lost weight she's going to get really excited and not have to worry about the staff worrying as it would be her first check with nothing to compare it to.

Let's hope that tomorrow morning Keri will stay fairly stable tomorrow as well but Sally's getting tetchy again. Keri's sworn to herself that if she starts feeling bad then she'll go to staff and try to talk to them rather than find herself being held face down on the floor again. I'm glad she's at least thinking logically about something!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 8 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 162 - 16th January, Thursday

Considering Keri didn't even manage to settle into bed until nearly 6am this morning the staff didn't try getting her out of bed. She'd kept herself awake to see when the staff received their phone call, which they never received. The only reason the staff eventually coaxed her out of bed was because of the fact Keri had an appointment with Becki at 2pm. They woke her just after 1pm. Keri got up as Becki has to travel about an hour to see Keri so doesn't like cancelling her appointments with her at such short notice.

Her visit was quite good. Keri enjoyed Becki's company. They're hoping that they'll still be able to work together until Keri's 25. Normally, if a young person isn't in education then their personal advisor has to stop working with them when they're 21. But because of Keri's exceptional circumstances we're hoping that rule won't be in place as it's adding unnecessary pressure on Keri's shoulders. Gemma and Becki spent a while talking alone with each other afterwards so Keri wandered off to smoke and then go to her room.

Keri's mainly been in her room. She feels very isolated from everyone and is still hallucinating, more regularly. She's now having trouble trusting the staff as they're turning around and saying that the things she's hallucinating aren't actually there. She doesn't know whether to believe them, most of her thinks the staff are trying to trick her. She told them that five guys were outside the ward and Matt decided to go dancing outside in the car park outside her window to try and prove to her that the group of men she was seeing wasn't real. Fail. She's also been lying down a lot as this is the end of her fifth day of fasting so she's feeling pretty weak. She's still determined to continue though as she set her date for at least a week of fasting. 

Keri did actually have some good times today. I think after her crying yesterday it's taken a little steam out of the pressure cooker so to speak. But she's gone downhill again this evening, it's always the dark that starts her off. She did try and be with other patients. They had a group in the evening and for most of it another patient was telling terrible jokes! I mean they were so terrible that you just had to laugh. That helped Keri a bit trying to focus on things that weren't so negative. We're all hoping she'll take up horse riding again at her old stables so that she has something to focus on. The unit is willing to fund her riding lessons too which we only found out today.

Hopefully Keri is able to be granted some escorted leave tomorrow. She wants to take her little brother to tesco so they can get off the unit and do a bit of shopping. Unfortunately it'll mean a staff member following her around but at least she'll get out and the staff are there if something goes wrong, which can be likely with Keri's state of mind at the moment. Keri may still be intent on suicide but she's had a lot of one to one sessions because of her one to one observation and there have been times where there's been tiny tiny little sparks of possible hope that have lit and disappeared. Keri may not feel it but that hope is in there somewhere. I just hope she and Sally don't do anything stupid before Keri realises she's still got strength inside her.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 160 & 161

Written by Fox.

DAY 160 & 161 - 14th & 15th January, Tuesday & Wednesday (23 weeks)

Keri's now finished her fourth day of fasting. She's had no food at all since Saturday night. She's found an app for her phone called Fasting Secret which basically records weight, has a timer to encourage fasts and marks trends on a graph. Keri had her obs done again today. She only had them done on Monday but in two days she's lost 0.7kg. Now she's determined not to eat, although I have to say over the last couple of days she has had no appetite.

She's still on one to one observation while out of her room. She's hopefully going to be able to go to the supermarket with Simon, the manager, tomorrow but it depends how Keri is. She's not in the best place. She started hearing those unknown voices again and spent most of her time in her room again yesterday. For the last couple of days she's been rocking constantly and pacing, the faster the pacing the worse her state of mind is getting.

Keri ended up breaking down this evening. Her hallucinations of five guys were around. They were shouting up at her from the front of the building up at her window that if she didn't run away from the unit and kill herself then someone else was going to die tonight instead, someone she cares about. She genuinely thinks this is real. Ade and Gemma spent a lot of time with her while she looked so upset. Temporary two to one obs. That was just a short time until they could calm Keri down enough to get some medication and to talk one on one with Gemma. They were in the clinic talking for ages with Keri crying constantly. It's like the pressure cooker thing. Once she started crying she couldn't stop, then she started blurting out everything that was on her mind and about what she'd been told by the guys who said either she dies or a loved one does. She even saw the guys over by the fence while she was out with the two staff smoking.

Viv has tried to explain to Keri that the "someone dying" thing is just a thought process but Keri's having none of it. Whenever Keri sees the staff she keeps asking whether anyone has rung. She's even been texting people she cares about who've messaged her after seeing her Facebook status about the fact she was terrified a loved one was going to die and she didn't want a phone call tonight. She's been given all her medication, and then some more. She's completely knackered but is forcing herself to stay awake as she doesn't want to be asleep when someone rings to say someone's died, which isn't going to happen. If it does then that's going to be complete coincidence.

Let's hope someone can get through to her so she can get some sleep tonight. She's got plenty if opportunity to talk while on one to one!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 5 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 159 - 13th January, Monday

Well, it's Monday, which means it's physical obs day! Keri's obs were a bit odd considering she's not been eating. Matt did her obs in the end. He noted how shallow her breathing was so her resp rate was slightly elevated. Her oxygen sats were perfect. Her blood pressure was getting a bit on the low side. Her temperature was elevated, still within the normal range but on the high end. She didn't feel feverish. If anything she felt the complete opposite! Her pulse was over 100 as usual. Her peak flow was 300, it should be above 400 at least. She was also weighed. Her plan is to fast until her next weigh in, which will be in a week when all the physical obs are done again. She also had blood taken for various reasons. I think Matt was just ticking random boxes!

So this is day 2 of Keri's fast and she's feeling very drained and getting severe abdominal pains. Normally, people would eat at that stage but Keri? It makes her even more stubborn to not eat and force herself through it. Apparently the first three days are the hardest or something like that. I don't know. Keri's the expert on all the food stuff. I personally love food, especially when it's cooked by our foster mum. I don't care about calories! Is it a crime to eat food? Well, according to Keri it is!

There were a mass of phone calls today trying to sort out management. Her observation levels have had to be kept the same; hourly checks while she's in her room and one to one whenever she's out of her room. All her leave is still suspended so Simon kindly went and got Keri some nesquik and diet coke from Tesco before he left to go home. That was nice of him.

I'm afraid I have to say it's a good job Keri's observation levels weren't changed! It was early evening and complete dark outside and Keri started hearing unknown voices. I don't know what these voices were as I'd never heard them! Plus they weren't coming from our house in Keri's head. They were coming from external things and telling Keri to kill herself, that she was worthless, that she needed to die, that if she didn't do it then someone she loves will get hurt. In the end these unknown voices (presumably auditory hallucinations) got Keri building up like a pressure cooker. Normally Keri wouldn't leave the unit if she didn't have permission but after frantically pacing out in the garden with cigarettes and Andy trying to talk to her to see if he could help, she walked straight inside through a different door to Andy and walked straight out of the front of the unit. She speed walked down the pavement and was clutching at her head shouting for these voices to shut up.

As soon as the staff saw her leave they tried calling her but she couldn't hear them over the noise. Just as she was close to getting off the grounds, two of the staff from Alder ran up to her and stood in front of her to stop her going any further. Keri was staring at the ground, listening to these voices, unresponsive to anything the staff were trying to say to her. She just stood there hyperventilating, moving from one foot to the other, completely disconnected. She was in the same state she gets in if she's found wandering aimlessly across railways without even realising she was on any.

After several minutes the staff seemed to get through to Keri that they weren't going to let her go any further. Adam was waiting at the unit to see if he could help when they managed to get Keri back. They did eventually get her walking back to the unit, still clutching at her head and not quite realising where she was walking. If a car had started driving towards her then the staff would've had to pull her out of the way. She was completely gone. 

Instead of sitting in one of the small lounges like she was told as the staff took her inside, she made her way to her room, still clutching at her head because of the noise. Adam followed her upstairs and Keri sat on her bed rocking back and forth and crying. 

"God, I just wish there was something I could do Keri," he said. "You look so distressed at the moment and I know things are really hard going for you right now."

While Adam talked, Keri started listening partially to what he was saying.

"I... need to go," she suddenly said while Adam was mid-sentence.

"Keri, we can't let you go," he said.

"They won't stop talking!" she cried. "They won't stop until I'm dead!"

"Are they pressuring you into doing these things?" Adam asked sympathetically.

With a sad glance at him she nodded. He got her some medication and Keri went down to smoke. Two staff stood outside with her while she paced up and down. They were well aware that Sally could jump the fence in a flash, so assumed Keri could do. Keri was too revved up and probably would've been able to get over as easily as Sally normally did.

Keri absconded at about 7.30pm. An hour after her Diazepam and 15 minutes after having additional medication, Lorazepam. After she was brought back she was then given - in the space of two hours - another dose of Lorazepam, Promethazine, Quetiapine, another one of her Diazepam doses and Mirtazapine. Give it 40 minutes and she'll be back downstairs having her sleeping tablet! Why is this girl not unconscious right now? 

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 58

Written by Fox.

DAY 58 - 4th October, Friday

Keri was woken up from her hibernation by the doctor who wanted to take Keri's blood to check her electrolyte balances and her iron levels, this is because Keri has now not eaten for a week. The staff are starting to get very concerned. The physiotherapist has had to cut down all their exercises (she turned up today) because she doesn't want Keri fainting in the middle of the workout. If Keri carries on then the physiotherapist said she was unprepared to carry on with the exercises until Keri actually ate something. She hasn't stuck to the dieticians' agreed plan of eating an apple every day. She's eaten nothing, yet again. The amount of water she's drinking is unbelievable though.

Alice, one of the hospital managers, spoke to Keri today about her complaint against Bitch. She said she was still taking it seriously and if there was a chance Bitch could end up back on the ward then it would be discussed with Keri first and, if needed, precautions would be put into place; but that's unlikely to happen in the foreseeable future.

I can't say much about Keri's psychotherapy session today besides the fact the the main topic was to do with the fact she was starving herself. I decided to just leave them to talk as I'd gone off looking for David. I've heard Keri being lectured so many times now that I'm getting bored with it! Why can't she just listen to people and eat something? Even the rest of us are too scared to eat anything because Keri will go ballistic! Even a mouthful of food will start her digestive system back up which means she'll feel hungry again, so even if we try to sneakily eat something, she'll know we had because she'll feel the hunger coming back!

Unescorted leave? That was rubbish. She had her one to one session as planned and they let her out. According to the nurse he said he knew she could do it. So Keri went out, grabbed her coffee, then saw the guys who are supposedly following her and freaked out when they started shouting at her. She didn't even pay for the coffee. Panic set in and she didn't think. She just walked through the checkouts and out the door with the box of coffee sachets still in her hand. She sprinted back to the unit and then ended up out in the garden having a panic attack, and then realising she had the coffee in her hand! That unescorted leave hasn't helped her, it's made her paranoia worse!

Tonight was dominated with a lot of pool, except it was Keri playing it this time. You could tell as Clarissa had lots of practice and played brilliantly last night. Keri hasn't played for ages and is terrible! Even the other patients noticed the change although Keri just said she was having an off day. There's no point in her sitting and wasting her breath over explaining about us and her disorder. In fact, she hasn't told any of the other patients why she's here. Partly because she still doesn't think she's ill and thinks it's normal to drill a hole through her skull. One of the patients is getting to Keri, she's much like Lucinda (who was discharged a while ago); manic, loud, too noisy and overall just annoying! I can't say I like her much myself either.

Well, Keri's had her medication but has spent a good portion of the last hour or two at the staff desk being fascinated by Andrex and his magic tricks! He's a pretty good magician. Not as good as Dynamo though - although Andrex says he apparently taught Dynamo everything he knows!

Keri's mum and her mum's partner are coming to visit Keri tomorrow. I doubt she'll even be out of bed when they arrive. I'm sure they'll understand and won't mind waiting five minutes while Keri dumps some clothes on. We got really confused as Jay came out and said they'd had a phone call from Keri's mum and that she was visiting tomorrow. It took a while for everyone to figure out that it was Keri's birth mum, not her foster mum! Gets confusing as the staff call Keri's foster mum 'Keri's mum'! Let's see how that goes tomorrow. I think Keri's off to go and watch some more magic tricks! Her and Andrex seem to end up smoking at the same time outside, it's like they're synced together. It's a bit weird. Like when women live together their periods are supposedly supposed to sync and all be at the same time? I wouldn't want to be in an all woman's house at that time of the month if that's true! Ouch.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 57

Written by Fox.

DAY 57 - 3rd October, Thursday

What a brilliant start to the day for me. Keri woke up to see two dieticians standing at the door, haha! The look on her face was a picture. She just looked at them, covered her her eyes and went, "Oh shit!". Obviously they're concerned about the amount of weight Keri is losing, which proves the unit must keep a record somewhere. The nurse yesterday must've just not bothered looking. 

Keri was very clear that she wasn't happy to eat anything otherwise she wouldn't lose as much weight as she'd like. One of them decided to ask whether they could do an experiment. The experiment was that Keri was to eat an apple every day and if she hasn't lost the amount of weight she'd like to then the dieticians will try something else to persuade her to eat. Keri was supposed to start with eating an apple today but hasn't, instead she's exercised and smoked more. She should stick to it to be honest. An apple a day keeps the dietician away! They're seeing her next Thursday, so instead of her being weighed on the Tuesday they'll wait an extra two days so that the dietician can weigh her instead and record it.

Keri somehow ended up with yet another medical student sat in her room questioning Keri about her DID. Keri's given up saying no now. She's decided that if she has any purpose in life then it's to teach others about dissociative disorders, especially DID. The student actually said that the doctor had sat with Keri to ask questions because she had to do a presentation about Keri! She's famous! Well, anonymously famous, but still famous.

One of the conditions for Keri to go out unescorted is that she needs to have a one to one session beforehand which she did with Cat. Keri wanted to go to the supermarket on her own. During the one to one session Cat decided that it wasn't a good idea for Keri to go out alone. This was because Keri was talking about her panic with the people following her (which she still hasn't realised are paranoid hallucinations). In the end one of the staff went to the supermarket for her and Keri was allowed out with Jack and Denny. They both have unescorted leave and the staff were happy with Keri going out knowing she was with two other patients on ground leave. Keri still felt very anxious but she was slightly reassured by the fact she had two bulky guys to protect her if the guys following her decided to attack or 'punish' her.

Clarissa was out for a while with Keri. They were coconscious so Keri found herself doing things she wouldn't normally be doing. She ended up dying her hair and also spent a lot of time socialising and I lost track of the amount of times Keri felt compelled to play pool. She's gone back to isolating herself now but has at least had a good laugh with some of the night staff. Night medication sorted. Keri actually spent 8 full hours asleep, waking up a couple of times but settling again quickly. That's due to the lack of food, so there is a small bonus with her starving herself; she's sleeping.

Oh yeah! And Keri's found out her tribunal date. It's on 31st October! Her 20th birthday! Knew that was going to happen. But hopefully she'll be allowed to visit her foster parents and go to their house for a few hours so she's not stuck in hospital all day. That would be horrible for her.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 56

Written by Fox.

DAY 56 (8 weeks) - 2nd October, Wednesday

The staff came into Keri's room before 9am this morning to give her her morning medication. They've never come in that early before! Luckily Keri normally wakes up at around 7 or 8am but just refuses to get out of bed. I don't blame her. She's got nothing to get up for. She didn't get up until gone 3pm as she's extremely drained as she hasn't eaten for 5 days. I think her Duracell batteries are running out! 

The staff have obviously realised Keri isn't eating as she was out smoking after getting up and one of the nurses came out and he sat down and gave her a food chart that she has to fill in. He said that normally the staff fill them in but they want her to be able to try and do it herself. What's the point? All she's got to put on there is... nothing. This guy actually turned round and said "You can't be eating nothing or you'd be losing an obvious amount of weight". Do they not check their records or even write down Keri's weight? I think 2.5kg in a week is a significant amount of weight to lose! If they had that on record then they'd have figured out she wasn't eating days ago.

The same guy asked her whether she'd had anything to eat this evening when he was giving her her 6pm medication.

"Yeah, I had roast chicken, pudding and egg on toast," Keri said.

"Oh good," he said. "Did it taste good? Well, hospital food I guess it's alright."

He actually took her seriously! Is he a moron?! First thing's first, she's vegetarian. Second thing, no one even saw her eat anything at dinner in the dining room. And third, they know she has no food in her room as she hasn't been out on unescorted leave to the supermarket and they know what she buys. Even if she's unescorted she'd be searched when she got back anyway. Clearly Keri's sarcasm is getting more fluent.

Keri actually used the communal games room today! It has a pool table and a table tennis table in there. She had a couple of games of pool, one with the staff and then again with a patient because she won. She got her arse kicked by Denny though when she played him! He's had a lot of practise since being admitted.

1am medication taken and still awake. Keri sat out in the garden with Jack (pseudo name) for a good couple of hours chatting until gone 2am. Now they've both retreated to their rooms. Jack is likely going to sleep whereas Keri is sitting watching stuff on her laptop and drinking water (obviously not now as I'm here!). Speaking of which she's drank an awful lot of water today. Keeping away the hunger pangs and stopping herself from getting ill from dehydration? I've definitely noticed my throat is seriously dry! It feels like it's on fire! She's going to relapse back into anorexia again. We really don't need that complication. On the bright side, because she hasn't eaten she's pretty exhausted so it looks like her sleep might start getting better. She'll end up switching to another extreme. Chronic insomnia straight to sleeping almost constantly. Without any food to keep her going and her anxiety levels being consistently high I can't see her carrying on pacing and not sleeping for much longer...