Medication and D.I.D.

Medication can be both helpful and unhelpful when it comes to the treatment of D.I.D. There is no such thing as a magic cure and there currently is no form of psychiatric medication that stops switching completely. Medication is normally used in conjunction with therapy (whether that be EMDR, MBT, CBT, DBT, CAT etc). While medication cannot really help stop switching it can be used to treat co-occurring mental health problems that go alongside DID. It is rare for someone with DID to not have another disorder alongside it. Some disorders that can occur can include - but not limited to - borderline personality disorder, psychotic disorder, depression, bipolar, eating disorders and PTSD. 

I asked some people that have DID to tell me what medication they take and whether it helps. Many of them felt the medication helpful in treating symptoms that were caused by another disorder, such as depression or psychosis. However, a few people thought that medication could do more harm than good. It is hard for someone with DID to be put on medication when their switching has become out of control and frequent as many alters may have differing views on medication which could mean some alters stash medication, fail to take them completely or alter the dosage they are supposed to have.

Here is a very short list of the medication a dozen people I asked are on. These are just a few examples of the kind of medication someone with DID can take (and the reason why) if they have symptoms that are affecting their day to day life (not including the rapid switching of alters);

Psychosis - Amisulpride, Olanzapine, Quetiapine, Clopixol, Risperidone, Geodon

Depression - Mirtazapine, Sertraline, Venlafaxine, Florouxetine, Wellbutrin, Effexor

Mania - Lamictal

Anxiety - Diazepam, Lorazepam, Promethazine, Ativan, Visteril

Taking medication is assessed on an individual basis. What works for one person may not work for another and you may have to try many if you are thinking of going down that road. Some people are quite content about being on no medication and that opinion is also perfectly valid. I, personally, have gone through over a dozen different combinations of tablets before settling on the medication I am on now that seems to be working. I'm one person with DID that needs medication to function day to day.

Always consult a psychiatrist before taking any psychiatric medication, altering your dose, or weaning off any of your medication.

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 16 days

Written by Fox.

Keri woke up this morning with her eye so swollen she could barely even open it. This was due to the burns she's inflicting near her eyes. The staff have let her have her lighter but she's burned herself twice today and it was during the daylight hours! The staff have her lighter now, though they've only had it for the last half an hour because Keri freaked out again but I'll get onto that later.

Extreme makeover for the hospital, courtesy of the CQC. Bathroom doors have been removed and protective sheets are now stuck on the windows, you can't see outside now! This has meant Keri's gone from having her bathroom kept locked all the time to having no door... Luckily she hasn't tried to use any ligatures today so still hoping she'll have a better night. She's had enough medication! They've doubled her dose of Olanzapine to the maximum 20mg and she's had a lot of PRN from when she's been hallucinating and freaking out.

Her first bad episode happened early afternoon when she was found by the physio huddled under her desk again, rocking and hyperventilating. Yet again unresponsive to verbal communication and even to physical contact for a bit as she was in a bad flashback. The physio managed to get through to her and took her out for a walk in the garden and a cigarette before she went inside and left Keri to it in her room. She's still on ten minute obs anyway. After this freak out Keri decided she was going to make a noose out of shoelaces 'just in case' and hid it. Unfortunately I can't do anything as she did it while me and David etc were busy dealing with Sally's emotions.

The second freak out she had was early evening when the staff found her rocking very violently on her bed and crying. It took a while yet again to get through to her but once they did they got her up for another cigarette and gave her some Lorazepam. It took a while for her to calm down again.

The worst freak out happened about an hour ago when Keri was deeply involved with a flashback. Instead of the usual responses of being disorientated and shouting at staff to 'stop that man taking her', she didn't. She was too deep within her flashback to know what was going on. The staff touched her and she instantly shouted that she had to catch her dad as he had her baby daughter in his arms and ran off. So Keri dumped the pills the staff had in her mouth, swallowed them and then rushed out of her door. She was looking everywhere for her dad even when the staff were trying to stop her. She was even barging into other patients' rooms! By the time it got to the point where she was going to raid the male corridor the staff shut the door to the corridor to physically stop her going down there and be able to sit her in a room with staff to get grounded. She can't remember half of what she did as it all turns into a blur. That's why the staff currently have her lighter due to her high risk presentation (well, higher than the usual high!).

Keri did manage to get out with IH again today to get a Costa but she was hallucinating and having flashbacks while she was out which hadn't happened before. Usually going out with IH is the break Keri needs from the ward to get some air and try to calm down, but this time it just stressed her out. Now she's scared to go out again. We don't need her turning agoraphobic again!

Is there something good I can say today? We're alive.

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 15 days

Written by Fox.

Well Keri was woken up at 11am for a ward round that was pretty unconstructive as her usual psychiatrist wasn't there. Unfortunately they had to discuss the possibility of having to go to ECH due to her state of mind right now. Because she was woken at 11am she ended up falling asleep in the afternoon which means she wasn't able to do her physio but did force herself to get out with IH (one of the two staff Keri most trusts, I'll use their initials for confidentiality) to get a coffee and some cigarettes.

Due to the fact it's being considered that she may have to go to ECH they got a nurse to come over from the unit to have a discussion about it. While he looked at the stuff in her room he just turned around and said Keri would hate it there, even if it was for a short amount of time (she wouldn't even be allowed her iPod unsupervised). This freaked Keri out a little bit but when she went out with IH he was very reassuring and explained that it wasn't another rejection and him and the rest of the staff are going to help support her as much as possible so that she doesn't get transferred.

By the time it hit around 7pm Keri really got bad and deteriorated very quickly. FF (the other one of Keri's most trusted member of staff) found her huddled underneath her desk, rocking and unresponsive. She did respond to physical touch after a while but she was really freaked out by seeing her daughter. She kept following Keri and every time she touches her Keri feels like it burns her and actually sees the handprint burned into her skin! FF managed to finally get her out from under her desk and down to the clinic room to get her some extra meds but Keri was getting worse. She ended up shooting across the room and hiding by a corner as she was still hallucinating her daughter. IH came in after a while to chat to Keri along with FF. 

No matter what people say to Keri she still feels like she's a monster. While her, IF and FF were in the clinic room, they were both trying to convince her that what happened wasn't her fault and that anybody who was in the situation Keri had been in wouldn't have been able to do anything much different. It didn't sink through though and she got freaked when her daughter started shouting that she made a dart out the clinic room and down the corridor to try and enter the pin to get out of the back door. This resulted in IF and FF having to restrain her, not in a bad way but more in a "you're not going anywhere" kind of way. After ten minutes of her refusing to go back down the corridor IF and FF had to force her along the corridor. When they got out onto the main ward area they sat Keri down in one of the dining room chairs as she was still an utter mess.

After FF deciding it was probably a good idea to have her anti-psychotics a bit earlier than normal, she took the medication and went outside with IH to have a couple of cigarettes and have a talk. She was still in tears. She stayed sat in the dining room on one to one with IH for a while with a cup of tea but she kept hallucinating and getting caught up in flashbacks which IH kept having to get her out of or reassure her. Several times she even started trying to claw out her eyes! While FF and IH were both with her they had to stop her by taking her wrists and moving them away from her eyes. It was horrible to see. One of the patients she gets along well with lingered around. He said to IH that he was sad and when IH asked him why he said it was because he could see his friend Keri so upset and distressed.

Keri's sat with staff watching Family Guy at the moment. She still keeps trying to claw at her eyes and getting caught up in flashbacks so it's good for her to have the company. She's not on one to one but the staff are trying to encourage her to use the emergency call button on her wall next to her bed. She's doing those loom band things to keep herself busy but is still distressed. Unfortunately we're one step closer to being transferred to ECH. Hopefully it doesn't happen but in my opinion, I think we'll end up there for a short while, medicated until she can't move...

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 2 weeks

Written by Fox.

Keri's been freaking out again today. She hasn't gone out at all as she was too scared to as she's seeing her daughter during the day now. She had her psychotherapy appointment which was mainly talking about the contact ban between her and her biological mum. She also had her daily physio and is still unfortunately having to remain on crutches whenever she has to go off the ward (she doesn't do much walking on the ward and they can be used as weapons so that's an issue too). The physio has started taking her to the gym now to strengthen her ankle so she'll be able to use it again properly without walking with her foot pointing out to the side.

Things started getting hard around 5PM. She started hallucinating. She distracted herself by decorating her walls with her drawings due to the fact she's going to be here at least another couple of months. The distraction didn't work for long and the staff found her huddled on top of her wardrobe again. It took medication and one of the staff talking to her for an hour before she finally got down and walked down to the nurses station to sit in there with her iPad and catch up on some programmes on iplayer. The staff were very good with her. There was someone there constantly and she got plenty of cups of tea! She was there for a good couple of hours but there was a stage where she freaked out again from hallucinating and shot underneath the desk crying as she was so scared. The member of staff who talked her down from the wardrobe managed to do the same thing talking Keri from getting out from underneath the desk and getting her back onto one of the chairs to carry on watching her programme. He even gave her one of his bars of chocolate! He's a lovely guy. He's the one that Keri's little brother has a crush on!

She's been on one to one smoking all day and isn't allowed her lighter. This has stopped her burning herself during the day but since the night shift started she's now burned her face three times and it's not even midnight. The staff come out and light her cigarette but she's lying to them and saying she's fine out there on her own. How the hell are they believing this?! It's barely 11.30pm and she's already burned three times! Hopefully the staff will catch on to that. They aren't idiots but sometimes I really get tired of them trying to take risks to assess Keri's capability of taking responsibility for herself. I know they have to so they know but Keri's not exactly going to wave her face at them and go "HEY LOOK WHAT IVE DONE". She'll just keep her hood up... Although even that doesn't really hide the burns very well.

She's got Family Guy on again! I'm beginning to love it. I like the world dominating baby and the talking dog. I don't know their names. Keri's obsessions are starting to rub off on me! In fact it's on now while I'm writing this!

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 13 days

Written by Fox.

I bet you were hoping I was going to write that things were getting better. No hope! She had brief respite when her brother came to visit yesterday. He distracted her and they were having a great laugh playing charades for a couple of hours but things got a bit dodgy when Keri started hallucinating. Her little brother was really good with her though and while they were at the desk he put his arm around her shoulder while she leaned his head on him. He was very reassuring and didn't seem to bat an eyelid even though she was hallucinating. He is truly Keri's rock.

Keri had a really good catch up with our foster mum as well which definitely lifted Keri's spirits for a few hours. I think she needed a good phone call. Our foster mum is still recovering but she's a lot better than she was! Keri is going to talk to the support worker here who does home visits that need to be escorted and hopefully they'll have a conversation about a home visit. Fingers crossed. Although with Keri's mental health at the moment it may turn out a bit awkward than normal. If anyone takes Olanzapine, I'd love your feedback about dosage and how it helped or effected you with psychotic symptoms.

Keri's still been burning her face every day with the exception of today. She's freaked out twice due to her hallucinating. She even ended up on top of her wardrobe shouting at her hallucinated daughter and throwing boxes. The staff had to get her down and get some medication in her as she was getting really upset and distressed. Her bedroom was then locked and Keri was out in the communal area with her iPad and headphones. It happened again a couple of hours ago when she went into her bathroom to wash. She hallucinated again and shouted out to the nurse just outside, despite the fact she was half naked... That's how freaked out she was! Dignity wasn't even an issue! Everyone's quite worried about Keri's mental health slowly getting worse. A lot of them have commented and have said they really don't like this. I don't blame them. She's back on one to one smoking. She was off it for a couple of days but due to the events of today the staff have had to take charge and responsibility as Keri is currently incapable of doing so.

Just have to keep praying that things will be okay. I read her care plan earlier and it mentioned that if Keri can't handle the responsibility of having her lighter etc then it's been discussed that she may have to be moved to ECH which is the psychiatric intensive care unit next door, otherwise known as a PICU. Let's hope it doesn't get to that point.

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 9 days

Written by Fox.

****** TRIGGER WARNING - Photos I took of Keri at the bottom again. Stop scrolling at the line of stars at the bottom of the post if you feel you may be triggered.

Keri has destroyed her face now all because of her being haunted by her daughter. The staff temporarily put in place that she couldn't have a lighter and had to go out on one to one while smoking but that still didn't stop her so now they've just given back her lighter. They know she'll do it even if they try putting things in place to stop her so it was pointless just restricting her more and more if things aren't helping. A lot of the staff do try doing one to ones at night though. On a couple of occasions Keri has dissociated into a trance and started rapidly writing all over the floor not realising what she was writing. The staff take a while trying to get Keri's attention as she's normally unresponsive until someone touches her but then she freaks out so I'm very glad the staff have gotten used to this and know to say who they are and where she is and give her some medication to keep her calm.

In her last ward round the psychiatrist has said that there's two locked units that he's going to refer Keri to. One is called Heatherwood Court (which is the preferable option for both Keri and the rest of her mental health team) and the other is St. Andrews. So it's a waiting game for a few more months again. Her psychiatrist also changed a lot of her medication in one session. He put her Diazepam back up to 30mg instead of continuing to wean off, he's put her straight onto 10mg of Olanzapine instead of Quetiapine, he's added another 50mg to her Sertraline dose... It's ridiculous. I'm wondering why Keri isn't in a coma half the time and why she still isn't sleeping! At about 11pm she was given 10mg Olanzapine, 10mg Diazepam, 2mg Lorazepam and 50mg Promethazine. Maybe I'm wrong but shouldn't Keri be asleep by now even though it's only been half an hour? They have given her a lot as she was crying and crying.. Staff even made her a nice hot chocolate. I can't emphasise how much they're really taking care of her. Plus she's still alive! Despite another ligature attempt.

She had a surprise visit from her old respite carers the other evening which was really nice for Keri. I haven't seen her laugh properly for weeks but they were really good at cheering her up. They've even offered to take her with them to their caravan once her mental health is better which Keri will love. 

I hope very much that Keri gets better soon. I know she's got a long way to go but at least getting her out of her depression and suicidality (including the stress-induced psychotic symptoms she gets). She's definitely not going to get any unescorted leave now it's decided she's going to a locked ward. Sally will take any chance to run.

And look at this! This arrived today for Keri. It was Jyestha's emergency care package that she sent. It's nine packets of timtams! Her brother might actually get to taste some on Saturday as Keri is pretty much fluid fasting, even though she just gave in to a cupcake her one to one brought in with a hot chocolate! Her body was craving sugar I think due to her crying.

At least we now know where Keri will be going and the waiting is the hard bit. The nurses are supportive and her bathroom is still locked and supervised. At least she's alive but at times it's just like she's a walking zombie. She spends most of her time lying or sitting on her bed. Her social life is limited as she's keeping herself withdrawn. Keep messaging her guys! Maybe it'll bring her out of her shell!

Will catch up with you soon guys!

**** Trigger Stars! Stop scrolling if you feel vulnerable. **************

This side is still swollen 😞

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 2 days

Written by Fox.

If things get much worse then the psychiatrist is going to have no choice but to send Keri to a psychiatric intensive care unit like ECH which is next door. She's still not sleeping well at all and can't concentrate on anything. When her psychotherapist came to see her on Monday, she was there for fifteen minutes speaking to Keri but she wasn't listening to a word she was saying. All she did was zone out and nod at the appropriate times. If I have to, I'll have to see the psychotherapist myself on Friday!

The night before last Keri and Sally decided that it was a good idea to commit suicide. Keri planned out how to sneak her dressing gown robe into the bathroom before her shower and also figured out how and where she was going to tie it for maximum effectiveness. A member of staff was sat outside while Keri had her shower, calling out to check she was okay every few minutes. Halfway through her shower she got freaked out by her hallucinations again. She didn't even dry herself off and just dumped some clothes on. She went straight to where she tied the noose she'd made. It was a very hard fight. Keri and Sally were fighting against me, David, Clari and five other alters. It was very hard to do but luckily after a couple of minutes when Keri stopped responding to the staff outside, all four of the staff on the night shift ended up opening her door and checking what was going on. She was in tears on her bathroom floor next to where she'd tied her ligature. The staff managed to pick her up and take her out to have a cigarette. Two of the staff went out with her while another went and got some additional medication. It took a long time for Keri to calm down and even drugged up to the eyeballs she was still being freaked out. After a couple of hours she did calm down a little, the medication made her body feel like a ton of bricks. The staff untied the noose from her bathroom and took it away obviously so she no longer has that, however she has a lot of stuff in her room!

Last night she went nuts again. She was thinking about acting on her suicidal thoughts again but decided to go to the desk and speak to staff about how distressed she was and her hallucinations. She didn't even really need to talk as you could tell just by looking at her what state she was in. There were two staff at reception, one of them went to get Keri extra medication. While Keri waited she saw the little girl again and she was shouting at Keri. When the staff came out with her medication she was well passed listening. The girl was getting louder and louder before Keri just lashed out and then ran into the staff area and huddled under the reception desk in the corner. This then involved all four staff having to try coaxing her out as she was too terrified to move. I've never seen her this bad while she's been regularly taking all her medication! Her ward round was pointless as her usual psychiatrist wasn't there and Keri's attention span is close to non-existent. The longest she's managed to keep most of her attention was when she phoned our foster mum today. Although it's been several hours since the call and Keri has pretty much forgotten everything they talked about. Her memory is terrible which is also a side effect of the sleep deprivation. She can't remember half the conversations she's had, though she's used to it because of dissociating anyway and with the way she's feeling she honestly doesn't care!

Another four weeks and Keri will get off her crutches and I think the first thing to happen will be Sally or Keri absconding! If I haven't mentioned why she's on crutches it was because she spent five days persistently pacing around the garden for several hours a day. She hurt her ankle after about day two but continued anyway. She's been seeing the physio every weekday and thankfully her ankle is improving but it won't be completely mobile for at least a few weeks from now.

Well, the night shift has just come on. Keri's already getting agitated. Hopefully we will have a calmer evening than the last two nights though. And hopefully Keri sleeps!! Send us some sleepy messages!

Edit: Keri has now gone and burned her face because she feels like a monster and wants people to think she's too horrible to go near. This is of course not true as she is not a monster. She's holding other people's responsibilities and guilt that she in no way should have to hold onto yet she can't see the other perspective. She is a loveable and funny woman and people love her company. Her self esteem has never been lower. The only times she's self harmed on her face is while she was psychotic last year and tried cutting a bug out of her head and one other time when Sally was angry and wanted to teach Keri a lesson which resulted in Keri needing stitches on her face. She's never done it deliberately like this before, and the pain she felt did disappear but only temporarily and now it's back. Relief only lasted a few minutes if that!

Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 28 days

Written by Fox.

Jesus. I think it's time for some kind of intervention or something here! Keri's gone completely looped this evening, or more rightly the last 4 hours considering it's nearly 4am.

I thought the day started quite well. Keri was given her Quetiapine and also some extra Lorazepam for her home visit just in case, the staff read her diary and also checked her bag; both before leaving and also on coming back as there was a very short period where Keri's foster mum was showing Keri's 'pet nurse', as she called her, around the garden. Keri didn't dissociate but because she could've dissociated and dashed in and out the kitchen they checked anyway. Her home visit went very well. Like I said in my last post, I knew she'd feel differently as soon as she stepped foot in that door. She described it as 'walking on the clouds of heaven'! She was happy to see her foster mum but was getting really confused over the fact she knew so much of what Keri was doing. Keri still thinks I'm taking a break from blog posts so doesn't know her foster mum sees them. She was only able to stay for just over an hour but an hour was all Keri needed. She was out of hospital, despite being escorted, and she felt like she was home again. I will admit that there were a lot of us that were reluctant to leave and come back to the hospital but did anyway without any hassle from Sally as me and David had that covered. If you're reading this, thank you for letting Keri visit! 

For a few hours Keri was actually feeling a bit better. For some reason from about 11.30pm she's just... I don't even know how to explain it. She's self-harmed several times again and now has dressings all the way up her left forearm, she's in and out of dissociative trances and isn't really able to listen to anyone and is getting preoccupied (which one of the nurses pointed out when he was sorting out Keri's arm, stating that she was a lot more distracted than usual). She's spent a lot of the last few hours rocking on her bed, shouting random things in rhymes and when she's outside smoking she's climbing on all the garden furniture and jumping from bench to bench! She's been dosed up to her eyeballs again but she's just completely manic, but very depressed. It's weirding me out! I don't like it! She's not even close to going to bed and keeps wandering round and round in figures of eight. I don't understand how she was okay one minute then suddenly switched to this! And I know it's not another personality as I deliberately checked to make sure. 

She saw the dietician who said she'd bought Keri a cereal bar to eat each day. She gave Keri one today which sat on her bedside table. Once it started getting dark she went out in the garden while no one was watching, took it out the wrapper, chucked it over the fence then went back to her room and strategically placed the empty wrapper very noticeably in her bin so she knew the staff would see it and write on her fluid/food intake chart that she's had a cereal bar when in reality she's eaten naff all.

I really hope her psychotherapist is able to do something if she's still like this tomorrow as I'm really at a loss. David has no idea what to do either and several personalities have decided to start arguing about cheese! What is this world coming to right now! Someone explain it to me because... I don't understand and normally I understand things ten times better than anyone else internally. But now I'm clueless. I'm never clueless. Does that mean there's something wrong with me too? If I spoke, I'd be shouting at a wall right now, and I'm pretty passive!

Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 26 days

Written by Fox.

Well, it's been a week since I was last able to write any kind of post. Internally and externally things have just been chaos. Sally is still homicidal, Trixie has now been conned by Sally and now thinks she's a completely separate person again so an overdose would be on the cards but thank you for giving Keri a sensible psychiatrist! Keri has been here for over a month and usually after a week of being transferred to a different ward she's able to have unescorted leave. This time it hasn't been the case on this ward as there's various factors that prevent it being safe for Keri to go out; Sally wants to murder people with no thought to the consequences, Trixie wants to overdose and Keri wants to drown us all out with vodka. Only in the last two days, Keri has self harmed ten times! She had less than two hours sleep last night and it's likely the same will happen again tonight.

Her eating? Don't go there. For a while Keri was buying food and throwing up, or she's just not bothering to eat. The dietician is concerned and I caught a glimpse of the first page of their observation folder (as far as I'm aware Keri didn't see it). They have a sheet specifically for recording Keri's fluid and food intake, and they know she's been making herself sick due to the fact they keep a close eye after she's finished eating and know when she's locked her door and disappeared into her bathroom. The dietician suggested to Keri that it might be best to have the staff lock her ensuite door every time she buys food. Keri was dead against this as she said she'd completely panic and not eat at all. She won't make herself sick in one of the public toilets and she told the dietician that who completely understood that it was a 'private affair'. What help is that?

She fasted for a few days and then binged today. She's planning another fast starting, well, at 7.15pm which is over 6 hours ago.

She was able to meet with her personal advisor yesterday who brought along the virtual school officer (she will pay for Keri to do any online course for qualifications, a couple of years ago she managed to get an A Level in Psychology!). At first I thought Keri was optimistic, then realised she was faking which meant Clari half came out. Keri was talking but Clari kept her tone of voice quite upbeat and got her laughing. Truth is, Keri's too depressed to care.

Her ward round today consisted of Keri getting more and more annoyed with the staff and her psychiatrist. What's the saying? The straw that breaks the camel's back? That might end up being tomorrow if her tribunal result ends up being that her section is to remain as it is, which is going to happen. Keri made it quite clear what she wanted and said straight out to everyone in the room "All I want is fucking discharge papers and a bottle of vodka". She's going to be called alcohol dependent at this rate!

Her psychotherapist made it to the ward round and spoke to the psychiatrist before and after Keri was in there. Her opinion is to remove any contact Keri has with her mother and her mother's boyfriend for 2 - 3 months and then review it. For me I think this is good. Keri may want to see her mum on a biological level but it's not good for Keri. She always seems to go a bit loopy after her mum leaves. Coincidence? Some people think it is. Most people don't. And Keri needs to concentrate on her therapy right now, even though her brain is telling her to tell everyone to 'fuck off'. She was excited a few days ago that someone finally sorted out some escorted home leave to her foster parents, but now there's no enthusiasm for anything! I do think that when she actually gets there she might feel differently (although I'm going to text our foster mum and get her to hide the knifes from the magnetic strip they have! Not because I think Sally will come out but if they're out of sight they're out of mind and me and David won't have to start fighting with her if she glimpses one. If they're in a drawer, not a problem).

Her antipsychotics and other medications better kick in properly soon or Keri's going to end up in a very deep hole, though I'm worried she is already. She can't openly discuss her feelings. She tells the staff she's fine all the time even though one member of staff here has commented on her change in mood and behaviour as he's worked nights the last couple of days (Jamie's actually got a crush on the guy!). Keri may think she's not giving them any leverage by not talking about anything but in reality her brain has gone haywire..

Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 19 days

Written by Fox.

Keri had barely said a word at all yesterday and was having a hell of a lot of crying episodes but still remembered to text her foster mum and say happy birthday (which I find great with Keri, no matter how terrible she feels she will always remember other people, although that can sometimes be her downfall). Instead of texting back, Keri's foster mum rang her. It's the most she had spoken all day! She even got to talk to one of her older foster brothers. There were a few fake laughs from Keri's end but there were some genuine smiles. Keri was really happy that her foster mum liked her present! It's the little things.

Keri had her ward round today which I think went well. Keri's Quetiapine dose has now been maxed out at 800mg per day. The doctor is going to speak to Alder to see if Keri's allowed back as the wait for specialist advice and assessment is going to take several months and the acute ward is making Keri extremely depressed. I'm just worried about Sally. We've been on this ward for a month. Just because Sally hasn't been able to get out and try killing Keri's parents does that mean everything's going to be all better and changed if she manages to get back onto the rehab ward? I don't think so. A nurse should also have phoned Keri's foster mum as Keri asked about home leave again. I'm doubting they bothered to phone her as I don't think they did last time. Or they might've done. I'm not sure. Me and David are missing bits because of trying to deal with Sally.

Speaking of her, she tried getting over the fence this evening and it was seriously raining. Sally has the strength to get over (whereas Keri needs a bin or something to help as she's a bit of a weakling due to no food etc etc) but if you've got no grip you've got no chance. This got Sally really annoyed but she was out long enough for me and David to pull her back in. I had wondered whether something was going to happen as she'd been suspiciously quiet. Keri doesn't know that Sally tried absconding but I think me or David will get around to telling her at some stage tonight. It's pointless removing the bin from the garden as Sally didn't even bother getting it. She just ran at the fence, jumped and grabbed the top of the fence. Maybe we should enter her for the Olympics! That would be cool. I wish someone was around to record these things on video. Sally would look like some kind of spider monkey.

Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 17 days

Written by Fox.

Sorry it's taken so long to write today's blog post guys but Keri has had a really rough evening. She's been depressed all day and crying. She's suicidal and she wants to abscond. Earlier she posted on Facebook about stigma against mental illness and about ten minutes later was in tears again and tried climbing the fence (though thankfully the amount of medication she's had didn't give her much strength to go on, nor has her not eating) so that upset her even more. Sally is still unusually quiet. I was surprised she didn't come out to help Keri over the fence.

She's just had more medication so I'm hoping she'll calm down. I was hoping the messages that were put on Facebook for her would get through to her but she's in too deep to get a bit of hope out. When she was out a minute ago she was looking around her room for a way to kill herself without any risk of the staff finding out about it before it kills her (she doesn't want to end up like a vegetable). That's why she tried getting over the fence as she's obsessing over the suspension bridge again, although now she's focusing on jumping over the wall of the bridge instead of getting over the barrier on the middle of the bridge. It's a lower fall but it's still a few hundred feet! 

I don't know how to cheer her up. I hate seeing her crying. I hate seeing her suicidal thoughts as if she manages to get out and do them then that means I die too, and so do the rest of us! I don't want to go out of this life that way. I'll give £100 to anyone who can make Keri smile! Strangely I think I'll be able to hold onto the money. If she holds out until her ward round them I'm really hoping the psychiatrist will do something about this! That's if she doesn't completely lose it tomorrow. Actually, today as it's now gone 12.30AM.

Thinking of you guys!

Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 16 days

Written by Fox.

The day didn't go by a good start. Keri had less than three hours sleep and was up before 8am throwing up in her toilet due to her nightmares. After that she couldn't get herself back into bed again so grounded herself by standing in the rain, smoking and getting herself orientated back into the present e.g. where she was, what month it was etc.

One of her key workers came into her room and sat with her as she was concerned over the fact Keri was up so early as it's never a good sign. She gave Keri her morning medication, along with additional sedatives. She's also planning on doing a DBT group twice a week for half an hour. As she knew Keri had done DBT for a year she suggested Keri help her with the group. She's pretty up for that. She wants to show she's at least trying to do things rather than do what she wants aka hiding under her duvet forever.

She managed to go out on leave in the afternoon and got really annoyed with the nurse as whenever she takes Keri to the supermarket she goes and does her own shopping too! Keri gets freaked out by loads of people and doesn't like to linger unless with someone she trusts completely. In and out, that's it, not lingering waiting for her escort!

Keri's light of her day was when her foster mum and kid foster brother turned up to visit. Considering how low she'd been for most of the day and how out of it she'd been on her medications she was still able to chat and even laugh! Considering her foster brother is only 15 he seemed quite comfortable being on an adult psychiatric ward. I was surprised. It's been a long while since I last saw him. He's changed a lot! Last time Keri saw him I wasn't really around so it's been a while. Keri gave her foster mum her birthday present but forgot to put her Mother's Day card with it! Although I'm sure Keri will see them again soon. She's going to ask the consultant for home leave for the third ward round running this week, hopefully he will agree now that Keri is finally off ten minute observation! 

I'm glad they came to see her as it'd been such a depressing day! We couldn't cheer her up at all so it made the rest of us feel like crap as well. I like seeing them. They're my family too!

Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 15 days

Written by Fox.

The problem with Keri is that when she's highly medicated it relaxes her body so it's not obvious to people that she's feeling terrible or anxious, if this is the case she has a horrible habit of putting on a "I'm ok" face which the staff seem to be falling for. I think even when she saw Fiona that she fell for it although I can't be definite.

No doctor has reviewed Keri although the student doctors have been bugging Keri again. Again, they end up attracted to her like magnets because of her DID. 

Keri's mainly been sat alone listening to her music today and not doing much else. She did manage to get off the ward with staff for half an hour but it wasn't very relaxing. Keri put on 'her face' but was panicking when she looked around every corner. Unfortunately even though she's now on 600mg of Quetiapine a day it still hasn't gotten rid of her psychotic symptoms. Hopefully by the time the doctor gets it up to 800mg a day we'll start seeing some difference, although she still doesn't recognise what's reality and what's not so that might cause a bit of friction. The consultant is very good with her actually and never uses the words paranoid or psychotic or delusional so Keri does listen to him. As soon as any of those words come up she completely tunes people out and becomes plain uncooperative!

Sally's been pissed so if she doesn't abscond tonight then Keri's going to be in shit needing stitches. I think I'd prefer Sally absconding with the way Keri's physical health is at the moment. Losing more blood is going to end up getting Keri on a bloody IV drip (if they can convince her to go to a medical hospital).

Good thing; nothing bad has happened today so far. Not outwardly anyway so that's good. Plus she hasn't collapsed or fainted so that's a good thing too! She's also preoccupied with her little brother as he's got early signs of appendicitis. Apparently it's too early to operate so he's just been given a load of painkillers and has to go back to the hospital tomorrow. We're hoping that tomorrow they'll turn around and say they can do the surgery so he doesn't have to continue being in so much pain. We're all thinking of you Jamie, although Sally not so much!

Edit (12AM): Sally has gone unusually quiet. She's not even shouting and me and David for trying to keep her from coming out either. It's making us all very suspicious. Although maybe we can enjoy the peace while it lasts, which hopefully will be a while!

Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 13 days

Written by Fox.

Well, after a fair few weeks Keri managed to start being weaned off her Diazepam and had managed to get down to 24mg a day (8mg three times a day). But due to her agitation (the staff found her on her floor this afternoon banging her head to try and make her visions go away) the nurses spoke to the psychiatrist and he decided to put her back on 30mg (10mg three times a day) as she'd already maxed out her doses of Lorazepam the staff had given her to calm her down, they've seen her level of frustration because she's still being checked on every ten minutes. When she was on hourly observation they thought she was fine as they only saw her for thirty seconds an hour!

If I'm honest I haven't seen her this bad. She's struggling to put her sentences together again. I would've thought that the additional 150mg of Quetiapine the doctor put up after her ward round that she'd calm down but that hasn't happened. Most of the patients have stopped trying to get a conversation out of her as they can't understand what she's saying. The nurses are pretty good as they've got a lot of patience and tolerance so they can figure out what she's trying to spit out! She can still text people fairly well but it's taking her a while to write anything!

I'm sat watching Family Guy. It's pretty cool. When I come out I don't have any chaos going on, unlike when I'm inside and Keri has all this stuff going on, means the rest of us have to experience it as well. It's not fun. At least when I come out I can actually rest for a while! The staff never pick up on the fact it's me, they just think Keri's refusing to talk. She's pretty quiet and subdued at the moment anyway so it's not really much different. For the people that know me they'd know straight away who I am but considering the staff don't know Keri well they haven't figured out when she's been switching personalities yet. 

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 26 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 180 - 3rd February, Monday

Keri couldn't settle at all last night, even after all her medication. The staff eventually found her asleep by about 7am fully clothed lying on top of her duvet with her headphones in. Even though she didn't get to sleep until that ridiculous time she was awake before 10am! Her anxiety about being transferred to Lime Unit was getting to her but she managed to pack her stuff up just after getting up. We were all asking for our stuff! Most of the stuff in Keri's room isn't even hers or she doesn't like it!

Her anxiety levels were pretty good up until the point she had to walk out of the door of Alder Unit. She started panicking. Matt and Fi took Keri over to Lime with Nigel, a nurse who'd brought a new patient over from Lime. She was the one who's bed Keri was going to be having so they were essentially swapping except Keri still has her room waiting for her back on Alder. They managed to walk Keri over without Sally coming out and kicking off but Keri felt suddenly really upset as soon as the main entrance to Lime had been closed behind her. She hadn't even had her medication that morning as Sally had played the "take your meds and I'll come out" card so Keri's anxiety levels were worse than they would've been if she'd taken her tablets. Fi stayed with Keri for a while in her room and drew a couple of nice sticky notes for Keri to put on her wall. Motivational things to keep Keri going and remember it was only temporary.

Dr. Wilke wanted to see Keri and had a discussion with her in the ward round room. He's granted two half an hour escorted leaves a day. He asked whether Keri thought she should be on ten minute obs or hourly obs. Keri said hourly, so they put her on ten minutes, saying that they could put her on hourly depending on whether any risks showed up over several hours. He also decided that weaning Keri off of her Diazepam was a bad idea as it was needed as the mainstay for her anxiety symptoms. Instead he wants to wean her off of the Quetiapine to see if it provokes a psychotic episode (to try and find out whether her previous psychotic episode was triggered by extreme stress or whether she has a diagnosable psychotic disorder and needs the antipsychotics to keep the episodes from happening, or happen less frequently, or be less intense). The problem is Keri was put on so many medications and had the doses changed quite quickly in a short space of time so no one knows what medication is doing what or causing any side effects. As Keri's going to be an inpatient for a while they're able to mess around with her medication more freely than if she wasn't in hospital.

Keri went out into the garden and was pacing round in circles smoking and trying to get hold of her mum. Sally had started coming out so Keri was still mainly in control but had serious anger problems and was lashing out at inanimate objects. Fiona turned up for their psychotherapy appointment while Keri was just trying to phone her mum on her mobile. It was obvious that Keri was sharing her body with Sally as she shouted down the phone "Pick up the phone!". For the whole therapy session Keri was either kicking things or crying or Sally would eye up the fences.

In the end Keri lost it, despite Fiona's caring efforts to try and say something comforting or helpful. She said she couldn't take it on the unit anymore (baring in mind it had been less than two hours). She walked quickly inside and up to the desk.

"I want to go back to Alder," Keri said to Sim who was behind the desk.

"I'm afraid you can't do that, Keri," Sim said.

"What do you mean I can't go? My room is over there. I haven't even unpacked. Just let me out please!"

"You were sent here to keep you safe. We can't just transfer you back. That's not how it works."

"Yes it fucking is! All you have to do is sign a little piece of fucking paper and I can go!"

"It's all down to the doctors."

"Then go and get the doctors! I've just seen Dr. Wilke for fuck sake so just tell him to say I can go!"

"That's not going to happen. Hey, let's go in one of the rooms and have a chat."

"No! Will you just fucking listen? Just phone the manager on Alder! I can't stand this fucking place! Let me go the hell back!" 

By this point Keri was shouting, she was on the verge of crying and Sally was getting a lot more obvious. Keri started becoming unresponsive to staff and Fiona quickly cottoned on to the fact Sally was coming out and tried to get through to Keri but by that point it was too late. Keri had clocked that a patient was about to leave the unit and the staff were going to open the door. 

As soon as Nigel went round and opened the door, Sally immediately made a dash for the door from the reception desk and got to the door just a little too late. He managed to get the door shut. This really got Sally annoyed. She punched the door and refused to move away from it. Nigel set off the alarm and several staff turned up to try and help. At first they tried verbal negotiation to get Sally away from the door. That didn't work. They then tried light restraint. As soon as that happened Sally lost her temper. She doesn't like to be touched or told what to do. She was getting even more boiled over because of the fact the staff were calling her Keri. 

The plan was that the staff were going to calmly walk Keri to her room and sort everything out in there but once Sally kicked off and started hitting out at the staff they had no choice but to force her down onto the floor and hold her there. Keri came back out while being restrained on the floor, knowing straight away what had happened. She just burst into tears. Even though she was mainly herself, she was still very distressed and instinctively was lashing out at the staff herself while on the floor. They kept her on the floor for ten minutes before she started to calm down enough to get her off the floor (other staff members helping to keep other patients away). 

They got her on her knees and then had to keep her restrained as they got to her room and on her bed. She was hyperventilating, crying uncontrollably with nothing anyone could do, refusing any medication and getting outbursts of rage which would then result on the restraint being tightened again. As she was refusing medication, they had to go and speak to Dr. Wilke to get an emergency IM Lorazepam injection written up which took a fair while. After nearly two hours (roughly, time wasn't an issue right then!), Keri finally agreed to take the Lorazepam orally, knowing that if she didn't then she'd have to be held down and injected anyway. She was kept restrained until it took some effect so instead of five staff in her room it went down to three staff, then finally down to one member of staff. 

As she was no longer being restrained she thought it was time to chain smoke so she grabbed a packet of cigarettes and paced around the garden again. She was being kept on ten minute observation (which she's still on tonight and hasn't gone down to hourly due to Keri's distress). She ended up on the phone to her mum and when she asked when Keri wanted a visit Keri, without any hesitation, went "Today!" So her mum and John got into the car and drove up to see Keri this evening. They were planning on going to Bath anyway so it wasn't too bad. They spent a couple of hours together talking, smoking, drinking coffee... They got her some DVDs and her teddy bear from Alder on the way. Keri found it really good to have a visit but I think she's clinging really strongly onto her mum at the moment, maybe it's because she feels vulnerable and just wants her mum; but it could verge on being unhealthy. I'm not sure how that's going to pan out at the moment.

Keri's evening has been calmer as she's taken her medication. She's cleared her conscience by apologising to the five members of staff involved in having to restrain her and sort her out. Each one of them told her there was nothing for her to apologise about but Keri feels compelled to do that as she feels she is a burden on people. An example she used to the staff was the fact she's currently taking up two beds, one on Alder Unit and one on Lime Unit. Who cares? No one! As long as Keri starts getting better then the bed issue isn't even an issue! Speaking of beds, she should be dead by now. She didn't even have three hours sleep last night and she's still awake at nearly 2am. You can't blame me either! I came out to do the post as it's obvious how much Keri's head is racing and it's going to be at least a couple more hours before she even lies down. Where does this stamina come from?! 

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 134, 135 & 136

Written by Fox.

DAY 134, 135 & 136 - 19th, 20th & 21st December, Thursday, Friday & Saturday

Keri didn't find her psychotherapy session very helpful on Friday. She'd been documenting everything hour by hour since Thursday evening as soon as she started getting a headache and knew Sally would eventually come out. A lot of people have suggested writing it all down when things happened to see if there was a pattern. Even though she spent 45 minutes talking to Fiona, she can't remember half the stuff they even talked about and has no idea on how to help with Sally. In fact, no one does.

Yesterday night Sally decided she was going to disappear again. She let Keri out by the time she got to the observatory. Maybe the buses were in her favour or she just ran most of the way there, but either way Sally got Keri up there pretty quickly. Keri looked over the railings at the bridge. There was no one walking on it and even the traffic was pretty quiet, only the occasional car was crossing. Even so, it would've been hard to see Keri in the dark and the rain while driving past anyway. So Keri legged it to the bottom of the observatory then casually walked along it again (she found that if she runs then it gets the security guards on edge straight away). Once in the middle, she looked up and down. No cars. No security. No pedestrians. She started climbing the fence, managing to get halfway over the first fence before being pulled down by one of the managers from the bridge who had happened to be passing in his car as Keri was climbing. He managed to stop and grab her just as the security reached her and was congratulated on how he was able to spot her even in the terrible weather. She was extremely non-compliant and kept kicking off. The guard holding onto her was called Shaun. He'd pulled her down the last time when Sally had tried getting over.

As Keri was kicking off so much, Shaun had to hold one arm around her neck and the other around her waist so he could half carry her to the toll booth house while the other security officer phoned the police to let them know they'd found Keri. Two police officers showed up but after seeing how distressed Keri was they called up for a van, so they had to wait for that to show up. Shaun was actually really good with her. He loosened his grip every now and again but couldn't let her go as Keri kept going for the doors to get back on the bridge. She never could struggle for long as she was in a partial choke hold which then meant she had no choice but to calm down. Her hyperventilating just got worse when two more officers arrived with their van. She panics with police officers as she's had bad experiences in the past, it's nothing personal to them.

"The unit often phone us up and we've already told them that this isn't a cry for help," Shaun was saying to the officers. "She's real serious about getting over the barrier and there's been some times where it's been way too close for comfort. That ward has no idea what they're doing."

One of the officers who'd been stood waiting kneeled down next to Keri and tried getting Keri to look her in the eye.

"Keri, because you're so distressed we want to keep you safe while we take you back to the hospital," she said. "I'm going to have to put some handcuffs on you. I won't do it now, I'm just warning you that that's what I'm going to have to do. Is that okay?"

"No!" Keri screamed. The same woman searched her while Shaun kept hold of her. I don't quite agree with how she was being restrained as one arm was around her neck. She was already hyperventilating. With the amount she was kicking off she was kept constantly restrained. When it was time to get her in the van the female officer took out her handcuffs and was restrained by her and Shaun while they put one cuff on.

"Keri, relax your arm," she said, "come on, I'm not going to hurt you."

Partly relaxing her arm, the officer managed to get Keri's other arm behind her back to put the cuffs on properly. Shaun made sure he was the one to help take Keri out to the van. The traffic had been held up for a good fifteen minutes as the van was blocking the way.

"I can't go back! You've got to let me go! Please!" Keri shouted, by this point she was crying.

With a lot of effort they managed to get her in the cage and get the door shut. Keri went absolutely mental in the thirty seconds she was left on her own. Kicking out at the door and bashing her head really hard against the side of the vehicle. In the end two officers had to get in the cage and keep hold of her. One of them grabbed a soft foam thing and put it between Keri's head and the side of the vehicle. The other kept hold of Keri's arm to keep some form of control when Keri was lashing out.

"The badger was in the sink," Keri said. "The fucking thing stole my spoons! Shut up, shut up!" What?  Yeah, that's what I thought. Make any sense to you? If it does then please explain!

The female officer was following behind in her car. It was quite claustrophobic with three people in the cage, although one of them was only half in there.

The four officers managed to get her back inside the hospital. One of them went into the office to talk to staff while the other three were directed into a small lounge to keep Keri in. When she got back from talking to staff she came in and sat down on one of the sofas.

"Do you want to take the cuffs off her yet?" one of the guys asked her.

"No," she said. "Not yet."

The staff had gone off to get Keri some medication which she took after finally getting the handcuffs off. She wanted a cigarette but the police were very wary. Staff arrived with more pills.

"Here's some more medication," they said. "Part number two."

They went to get Keri's cigarettes but the police weren't happy with letting Keri outside without two of them going out there with her and a member of staff. Once she'd finished she was taken into the staff office to sit with the two staff that were on. The two remaining officers said their goodbyes and left. You could tell they were getting annoyed with the staff. They found it ridiculous that there were only two members of staff for ten patients, especially when someone like Keri is taking up both members of staff.

It was definitely a restless night. Keri didn't go to sleep until gone 3am and woke up terrified thinking her dad was in her room at 7am. She'd also had flashes of road signs which she quickly scribbled in the notebook she keeps next to her bed if she has a nightmare or dreams something confusing or important. Just to make sure she doesn't forget about it. She wrote down all the road signs. Keri doesn't know what the road signs mean but I do. It's the route Sally uses to get to the suspension bridge, somehow while Keri was sleeping that leaked into her dreams. After an hour, she then went back to bed until 3pm. She didn't sleep for that much. By the time she got out of bed, she knew she hadn't been asleep all that time because Sally had graffitied her wardrobe with a message saying "Keri litsen 38" (we're all assuming she means 'listen' as Sally isn't a great speller). Plus an arrow pointing to the left (which could've meant her DVDs, her laptop, her music... Keri ended up watching the 38th DVD on her shelf (Side Effects) and as she was sorting her paperwork she noticed the plug on her docking station was switched on. When she looked at the station, she saw her iPod plugged into it. Keri didn't do that. Sally did it and put it on the list of Eminem songs Keri has. That was what Sally meant. Listening to the 38th Eminem song which was called Talking to Myself. Keri listened to it but doesn't quite understand what she means by it. Sally has never tried explaining her feelings before and if you listen to the lyrics in that song you can tell how hurt and angry she is.

Knowing how annoyed Sally is, Keri decided to sit in the communal lounge for a while and watched Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. She got a bit fed up with another patient. She saw Keri get brought in last night and was having a go at Keri about how she'd seen seven police officers in the unit at one point and that Keri had her whole life ahead of her... What she didn't realise was that whenever anyone says this to Keri she sits there and becomes even more determined to kill herself just to prove that the world has screwed her over and she's not prepared to live in it anymore. She's absolutely dreading Christmas! Even though she's hopefully going to be spending Christmas with her foster parents, the closer the day comes the more miserable she's getting. Looks like I might have to come out for part of Christmas or Sally might end up ruining it for everyone. And you know what? Keri's past caring if Sally comes out again between now and Christmas. How do I get her hope and motivation back? It's breaking my heart seeing her go so downhill. She even looks haunted and ill. You can tell she's not herself. She's forcing herself to smile if she has to but inside she's thinking "I want this all to end!" I'm sorry there's nothing I can do, Keri. I wish there was :(

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 127

Written by Fox.

DAY 127 - 12th December, Thursday

Keri woke up to find a member of staff unlocking her door and bringing in another parcel that had arrived for her. When she got up about forty minutes later to see what had arrived she was extremely annoyed to find out that they'd already opened it and gone through the box. Checking the time, she also saw that it was nearly midday and Keri had specifically asked to have someone wake her up so that she could find out whether the staff had sorted her leave. The guy who came in with the parcel didn't even speak to Keri. He just tiptoed in, put it on her desk and then left, locking the door behind him, doing his hourly check at the same time.

She's been massively angry with the staff all day as they didn't get her leave sorted even though she kept pushing for it. In the end she was reaching the end of her tether and was losing it, leading to more crying episodes, swearing and the staff having to give her extra medication again this evening to prevent a massive kick off. Luckily there were three members of staff working so one of them managed to escort her to tesco. Keri managed to get wrapping paper and birthday cards and Clari decided to come out and fill the basket with rubbish. Keri came back when she was stood at the checkout. She looked at the basket, just sighed and decided she may as well just buy the stuff. Clari would eat it and then Keri would throw it up again so there was quite a serious binge purge episode this evening which has left Keri's throat red raw. I've had to keep consoling poor Jimmy as he keeps crying because he doesn't understand why his throat is so sore. 

Keri found out that Dr. Harland is due to come in around 10.30am tomorrow and has told two members of staff to get her up at 9am so she has time to wrap some presents and get sorted. Luckily the two members on shift are very good at getting Keri up (take Matt for instance, he'll talk non stop until she finally goes "fine I'll get up!". She's also asked that she be the first to have her ward round so she can get her leave sorted. The foster agency manager is still refusing to have Keri and her kid foster brother in the same house so she's only allowed to go while he's at school. Keri's foster mum has said that she may or may not make it to Keri's ward round. She has said to Keri that if she hasn't got to the unit by 10.30am then she won't be attending Keri's ward round but Keri has promised that if this is the case then to ring her straight after ward round to talk about leave. The staff will want to ring her anyway, or talk to her if she manages to get to the ward round.

Tonight has been quite relaxed because of Keri's medication. She's exhausted and it's barely past midnight! Hopefully that means an early night. The staff are pretty determined to get her out of bed tomorrow morning as requested. They won't let her down either as she ended up talking to them about how annoyed she was at the morning staff for not waking her up or doing anything to sort out her leave. As far as anyone's aware, no one even made a phone call! Can you blame Keri for being angry?

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 126 (18 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 126 (18 weeks) - 11th December, Wednesday

Keri's solicitor visited today and has put in the withdrawal application for Keri's tribunal. There isn't any point in her having it as she can promise to stay in the ward for treatment but can't promise it for the rest of her alters, like Sally! I don't mind staying, but some aren't as settled and feel uneasy about the whole thing, especially with Keri attempting suicide or Sally trying to kill us (I guess from an outside perspective that's the same thing).

For most of the day she's kept herself to herself. But by the time late evening came she had a complete mental breakdown. She couldn't stop crying and even ended up crying in front of staff which she never does unless it's extreme distress. She ended up texting her foster mum in the middle of all this asking to go home for a bit and, thankfully, she said yes. Unfortunately, it's all down to Keri's current overseeing psychiatrist to make the decision tomorrow morning as Keri's still under a section. Considering the aftermath of yesterday no one is too clear on what the answer will be. I can say one thing. If Keri isn't allowed out tomorrow then Sally will go nuts for her benefit. Keri will want to just run out the ward but doesn't have the guts. Sally does. That's the problem if they work together like that, it gets us into extremely dangerous situations, normally getting restrained and handcuffed too.

As Keri was so distressed, the staff gave her extra medication which Keri was a bit dubious about as she wants to be awake tomorrow morning when they find out whether she can go home for a bit. But if she didn't take it then she'd spend the night unsettled and it would be doubtful she'd get any sleep, or even stop crying. Matt brought her The Hobbit to watch as he's on the night shift tonight with Bernie. She's getting close to the end now so she'll be able to give it back later. It's kept her distracted which is what Keri has needed. She's also trying to hold onto the hope that she can go home tomorrow.

Keri made a nice new friend in the garden today! It was a ginger and white cat and loved being stroked and petted. I'll have to find a photo and put it on the DID page. It even sat on the table next to where she was sitting and just laid there, rolling on it's back every now and then. Keri's not a cat person and neither am I. But she was pretty, and Keri found stroking it quite therapeutic.

Wish us luck that we can go home for a few hours! Otherwise I doubt there will be a blog post for tomorrow!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 117

Written by Fox.

DAY 117 - 2nd December, Monday

Keri was all for going to bed early last night but it didn't pan out well. She was settled and in bed by 1.15pm but her head was racing too much for her to settle. By the time it hit 2am she was back out in the communal areas again and was given Lorazepam while she was still worked up at 3am. An hour or so later and she finally got off to sleep and forced herself out of bed before midday today! In fact it was before 11.30am! Go Keri! 

She wanted to finish off her packing before seeing her psychotherapist which she managed to do. She had quite a good session. They discussed the risks involved with moving to Alder Unit and how to deal with things. Everyone knows Sally is going to push everyone to the absolute edge of the line. But because it's expected, people are ready for it. Some staff have already met me and they'll be meeting Clari tomorrow (she has shopping plans, wait until she finds out she's only allowed out for half an hour!). So the staff are slowly getting used to Keri's switching. 

Keri's mum and her partner arrived just before 2pm. Keri had found out she couldn't move to the rehab unit until after 3pm as they needed to sort out handover. So instead they went shopping. Keri had already seen her room and seen the lack of storage facilities so decided she was going to buy a couple of bookshelves (massive DVD collection!) and also a TV cabinet thing. It's basically like a coffee table with compartments but Keri wants a bean bag chair to watch TV with. Well, that's when she gets her TV. Her foster parents can't get it to her until next week but Keri doesn't mind, she's lasted four months without her TV, Wii and blu-Ray player, another week won't hurt. 

Keri's mum's partner fixed up the shelves for her. Unlike Lime Unit, visitors are actually allowed into patients' rooms! Keri's mum put together the TV thing but it was painful to watch! Keri's no good at DIY and now I see what side of the family that comes from! But overall it ended up with them having a picnic on her bedroom floor (yes, Keri actually ate!). As it was quite dark they weren't able to take Amos out for a walk so instead Keri spent a while running around with him in the mostly empty car park and throwing a plastic bottle for him to get. She's got some really good photos sent to her from her mum and her partner of her playing with Amos. She had photos of Amos but none with them actually together!

So the rehab unit is pretty good. Keri's key worker sat down and went through her care plan. Keri's currently going to be on hourly observation for a couple of weeks until the staff see if things are settled. Unfortunately there's no hatch on the door which means the staff are going to have to unlock her door and open it to peek inside during the night. Not going to help with the sleep pattern! But that's just the way things are at the moment. She normally wears her headphones anyway so it's doubtful she'll hear them. It's weird lying down without an observation light! She's also only allowed half an hour leave unescorted. They've also made a note that if they think Sally has just stormed out of the ward (they can't stop her) then they can phone the security guards on the suspension bridge directly until it gets to the point that Sally hasn't returned in half an hour, which is when they'd then call the police. Sounds fair to me. Some of the rules are a bit stricter as she's still sectioned, such as her leave. It needs to be officially written down by a consultant psychiatrist, unlike with voluntary patients who can come and go as they please and for however long they want.

Overall it's been a pretty good day. Keri's trying to stay optimistic. She already knows Clari is coming out tomorrow and isn't going to be surprised if she finds herself fighting police officers two weeks later with no memory of getting in that position. It's unlikely it'll be constant dissociation. I think she'll have periods of clarity but a lot of it is going to be people coming in and out. Clari is desperate to get David some clothes! Hopefully she behaves herself tomorrow. 

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 111

Written by Fox.

DAY 111 - 26th November, Tuesday

Keri refused to get out of bed until the afternoon again even with the staff coming in repeatedly trying to encourage her to get up. By the time she got up she hadn't been up for even an hour before she was called in to have her ward round.

Her ward round consisted of Keri, her psychiatrist, and Blondie, plus Sye from Alder Unit in the beginning. Basically to put a long story short, Sye said that he would be happy to have Keri transferred to his unit on Monday, which is six days time, however she'd still have to remain sectioned. Keri was shocked at how quickly they were hoping to get her there but also glad that she would finally be leaving the acute ward. It's been nearly 4 months! To be able to move, Keri has to go out on unescorted ground leave every day starting tomorrow, even if it's just ten minutes. Her psychiatrist also turned around and said that she had been thinking about Keri's medication situation and wanted to add a mood stabiliser. She's already on antipsychotics, antidepressants, sleeping medication, benzodiazepines... and now she wants to add a mood stabiliser? Ridiculous! She's hoping it'll help Keri stay stable when it gets to the point they start weaning her off the high dose of Diazepam when she moves to Alder. They're going to have to wean her off very slowly over several months. So that was basically her ward round.

Since then Sally has been going nuts. She's been shouting and screaming which has meant Keri's ended up spending all day with her headphones on and sat in an almost catatonic stupor. She even tried talking to patients this evening but was hearing things they weren't actually saying, so they were getting confused and so was Keri. Jen gave her Lorazepam along with her sleeping meds at 1am and Keri's currently temporarily back onto ten minute observation as she was talking to Jen about how much Sally's behaviour was effecting her. I wouldn't be surprised if she comes out and slashes Keri's arm in a "Fuck you" kind of way. The problem is Keri's getting sleep deprived because of all this and it was even stated in ward round about how tired and haunted she looked. It's amazing how a couple of days can make such a difference to your appearance.

One achievement (well, Keri's in limbo about it even though she's tried hard to achieve it she's thinking of dieting again..) Keri is at a 'healthy' weight! 

Keri's CPN visited and she had physio but nothing exciting happened. Her CPN mentioned something about Keri being sectioned for 10 months?! I wasn't really listening so I'm really hoping I heard it out of context.The physio decided to electrocute her with a tens machine. I've never seen one of these before but she brought it up to try on Keri so see if it would help Keri if she consciously wanted to self harm. A tens machine basically sends out an electric shock repetitively and is used for pain relief, but if you turn it up high enough then it causes quite a lot of discomfort. Keri was really nervous when the physio first put it on. Her first thought was that it was going to be like being tazered; which Keri experienced once before when she was psychotic. Not a pleasant experience! But a tens machine is nothing like that. They tried it on Keri's arm but because of her injuries the physio couldn't turn it up too high. She's coming back tomorrow and try on the back of her neck. How exciting...

She did have some leave with Cat but got panicky. It was dark and she was seeing young children. By the time she got back she needed Lorazepam and ended up having a panic attack. Darkness and young children are two of Keri's massive triggers at the moment so it's a bloody good job she went out escorted!