Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 2 months

Written by Fox.

Keri has spent half her time freaking out over her hallucinations and flashbacks. She keeps getting restrained. In less than a week the staff had to hold her down on the floor so that they could inject her with sedatives, this happened twice on different days. She's convinced that her dad has associates working inside the hospital to keep an eye on her and she's also made a 'friend' called Charlie. He's a hallucination but she doesn't realise. She's being sucked into another stress induced psychosis and no one is doing anything! When she's not being restrained she's still trying to search the hospital for her dad as apparently Charlie has told her he's hiding in a room at the end of the men's corridor which means the staff are repeatedly having to put her in safe holds and take her out of the corridor and try convincing her she's safe. Seriously, the staff talking to her is like talking to a brick wall. She hardly even knows where she is most of the time and is getting pretty disorientated a lot.

Yesterday she finally snapped because the staff kept saying Charlie wasn't real and that she was being paranoid. She thought they were being 'patronising twats'. She ended up on top of her wardrobe again and refused to go near the staff. It took a lot of persuasion but she did finally get down as soon as IH mentioned that if this all keeps happening and her mental health doesn't improve then they'll have no choice but to transfer her to the psychiatric intensive care unit next door to the unit we are on at the moment. The staff and Keri (and me for that matter) all know that if she's transferred over there she will get even worse. Sally also classes that as a threatening environment and she will fully take over Keri's personality which means things will end up involving a bloody forensic hospital!

On a good note, Keri's face is starting to heal up. It's still obviously very scarred but she's also given up smoking! It's been a whole week since she last had a cigarette. Her psychiatrist has prescribed nicorette patches and she has her electronic cigarette as well. She's doing amazing considering the horrible time she's been having. Honestly, there's no point in even arguing with her delusions as she starts getting really defensive and upset, especially if anyone uses the word 'psychosis'. She's on the maximum dose of Olanzapine anyway so I don't understand how she is still experiencing all this! Hopefully when she has her CPA tomorrow her psychiatrist will do something about it as everyone is very worried about her.

She's pretty much out of money until Friday (she spent a fair amount on cigarettes before she gave up and gets paid every two weeks), so she's also worried that she can't buy one of her family a birthday present and get it to him on time. Though hopefully she'll be allowed a home visit so she can give it to him. She's got until 13th October anyway so I think I need to tell her to stop worrying about it! 

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 15 days

Written by Fox.

Well Keri was woken up at 11am for a ward round that was pretty unconstructive as her usual psychiatrist wasn't there. Unfortunately they had to discuss the possibility of having to go to ECH due to her state of mind right now. Because she was woken at 11am she ended up falling asleep in the afternoon which means she wasn't able to do her physio but did force herself to get out with IH (one of the two staff Keri most trusts, I'll use their initials for confidentiality) to get a coffee and some cigarettes.

Due to the fact it's being considered that she may have to go to ECH they got a nurse to come over from the unit to have a discussion about it. While he looked at the stuff in her room he just turned around and said Keri would hate it there, even if it was for a short amount of time (she wouldn't even be allowed her iPod unsupervised). This freaked Keri out a little bit but when she went out with IH he was very reassuring and explained that it wasn't another rejection and him and the rest of the staff are going to help support her as much as possible so that she doesn't get transferred.

By the time it hit around 7pm Keri really got bad and deteriorated very quickly. FF (the other one of Keri's most trusted member of staff) found her huddled underneath her desk, rocking and unresponsive. She did respond to physical touch after a while but she was really freaked out by seeing her daughter. She kept following Keri and every time she touches her Keri feels like it burns her and actually sees the handprint burned into her skin! FF managed to finally get her out from under her desk and down to the clinic room to get her some extra meds but Keri was getting worse. She ended up shooting across the room and hiding by a corner as she was still hallucinating her daughter. IH came in after a while to chat to Keri along with FF. 

No matter what people say to Keri she still feels like she's a monster. While her, IF and FF were in the clinic room, they were both trying to convince her that what happened wasn't her fault and that anybody who was in the situation Keri had been in wouldn't have been able to do anything much different. It didn't sink through though and she got freaked when her daughter started shouting that she made a dart out the clinic room and down the corridor to try and enter the pin to get out of the back door. This resulted in IF and FF having to restrain her, not in a bad way but more in a "you're not going anywhere" kind of way. After ten minutes of her refusing to go back down the corridor IF and FF had to force her along the corridor. When they got out onto the main ward area they sat Keri down in one of the dining room chairs as she was still an utter mess.

After FF deciding it was probably a good idea to have her anti-psychotics a bit earlier than normal, she took the medication and went outside with IH to have a couple of cigarettes and have a talk. She was still in tears. She stayed sat in the dining room on one to one with IH for a while with a cup of tea but she kept hallucinating and getting caught up in flashbacks which IH kept having to get her out of or reassure her. Several times she even started trying to claw out her eyes! While FF and IH were both with her they had to stop her by taking her wrists and moving them away from her eyes. It was horrible to see. One of the patients she gets along well with lingered around. He said to IH that he was sad and when IH asked him why he said it was because he could see his friend Keri so upset and distressed.

Keri's sat with staff watching Family Guy at the moment. She still keeps trying to claw at her eyes and getting caught up in flashbacks so it's good for her to have the company. She's not on one to one but the staff are trying to encourage her to use the emergency call button on her wall next to her bed. She's doing those loom band things to keep herself busy but is still distressed. Unfortunately we're one step closer to being transferred to ECH. Hopefully it doesn't happen but in my opinion, I think we'll end up there for a short while, medicated until she can't move...

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 26 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 180 - 3rd February, Monday

Keri couldn't settle at all last night, even after all her medication. The staff eventually found her asleep by about 7am fully clothed lying on top of her duvet with her headphones in. Even though she didn't get to sleep until that ridiculous time she was awake before 10am! Her anxiety about being transferred to Lime Unit was getting to her but she managed to pack her stuff up just after getting up. We were all asking for our stuff! Most of the stuff in Keri's room isn't even hers or she doesn't like it!

Her anxiety levels were pretty good up until the point she had to walk out of the door of Alder Unit. She started panicking. Matt and Fi took Keri over to Lime with Nigel, a nurse who'd brought a new patient over from Lime. She was the one who's bed Keri was going to be having so they were essentially swapping except Keri still has her room waiting for her back on Alder. They managed to walk Keri over without Sally coming out and kicking off but Keri felt suddenly really upset as soon as the main entrance to Lime had been closed behind her. She hadn't even had her medication that morning as Sally had played the "take your meds and I'll come out" card so Keri's anxiety levels were worse than they would've been if she'd taken her tablets. Fi stayed with Keri for a while in her room and drew a couple of nice sticky notes for Keri to put on her wall. Motivational things to keep Keri going and remember it was only temporary.

Dr. Wilke wanted to see Keri and had a discussion with her in the ward round room. He's granted two half an hour escorted leaves a day. He asked whether Keri thought she should be on ten minute obs or hourly obs. Keri said hourly, so they put her on ten minutes, saying that they could put her on hourly depending on whether any risks showed up over several hours. He also decided that weaning Keri off of her Diazepam was a bad idea as it was needed as the mainstay for her anxiety symptoms. Instead he wants to wean her off of the Quetiapine to see if it provokes a psychotic episode (to try and find out whether her previous psychotic episode was triggered by extreme stress or whether she has a diagnosable psychotic disorder and needs the antipsychotics to keep the episodes from happening, or happen less frequently, or be less intense). The problem is Keri was put on so many medications and had the doses changed quite quickly in a short space of time so no one knows what medication is doing what or causing any side effects. As Keri's going to be an inpatient for a while they're able to mess around with her medication more freely than if she wasn't in hospital.

Keri went out into the garden and was pacing round in circles smoking and trying to get hold of her mum. Sally had started coming out so Keri was still mainly in control but had serious anger problems and was lashing out at inanimate objects. Fiona turned up for their psychotherapy appointment while Keri was just trying to phone her mum on her mobile. It was obvious that Keri was sharing her body with Sally as she shouted down the phone "Pick up the phone!". For the whole therapy session Keri was either kicking things or crying or Sally would eye up the fences.

In the end Keri lost it, despite Fiona's caring efforts to try and say something comforting or helpful. She said she couldn't take it on the unit anymore (baring in mind it had been less than two hours). She walked quickly inside and up to the desk.

"I want to go back to Alder," Keri said to Sim who was behind the desk.

"I'm afraid you can't do that, Keri," Sim said.

"What do you mean I can't go? My room is over there. I haven't even unpacked. Just let me out please!"

"You were sent here to keep you safe. We can't just transfer you back. That's not how it works."

"Yes it fucking is! All you have to do is sign a little piece of fucking paper and I can go!"

"It's all down to the doctors."

"Then go and get the doctors! I've just seen Dr. Wilke for fuck sake so just tell him to say I can go!"

"That's not going to happen. Hey, let's go in one of the rooms and have a chat."

"No! Will you just fucking listen? Just phone the manager on Alder! I can't stand this fucking place! Let me go the hell back!" 

By this point Keri was shouting, she was on the verge of crying and Sally was getting a lot more obvious. Keri started becoming unresponsive to staff and Fiona quickly cottoned on to the fact Sally was coming out and tried to get through to Keri but by that point it was too late. Keri had clocked that a patient was about to leave the unit and the staff were going to open the door. 

As soon as Nigel went round and opened the door, Sally immediately made a dash for the door from the reception desk and got to the door just a little too late. He managed to get the door shut. This really got Sally annoyed. She punched the door and refused to move away from it. Nigel set off the alarm and several staff turned up to try and help. At first they tried verbal negotiation to get Sally away from the door. That didn't work. They then tried light restraint. As soon as that happened Sally lost her temper. She doesn't like to be touched or told what to do. She was getting even more boiled over because of the fact the staff were calling her Keri. 

The plan was that the staff were going to calmly walk Keri to her room and sort everything out in there but once Sally kicked off and started hitting out at the staff they had no choice but to force her down onto the floor and hold her there. Keri came back out while being restrained on the floor, knowing straight away what had happened. She just burst into tears. Even though she was mainly herself, she was still very distressed and instinctively was lashing out at the staff herself while on the floor. They kept her on the floor for ten minutes before she started to calm down enough to get her off the floor (other staff members helping to keep other patients away). 

They got her on her knees and then had to keep her restrained as they got to her room and on her bed. She was hyperventilating, crying uncontrollably with nothing anyone could do, refusing any medication and getting outbursts of rage which would then result on the restraint being tightened again. As she was refusing medication, they had to go and speak to Dr. Wilke to get an emergency IM Lorazepam injection written up which took a fair while. After nearly two hours (roughly, time wasn't an issue right then!), Keri finally agreed to take the Lorazepam orally, knowing that if she didn't then she'd have to be held down and injected anyway. She was kept restrained until it took some effect so instead of five staff in her room it went down to three staff, then finally down to one member of staff. 

As she was no longer being restrained she thought it was time to chain smoke so she grabbed a packet of cigarettes and paced around the garden again. She was being kept on ten minute observation (which she's still on tonight and hasn't gone down to hourly due to Keri's distress). She ended up on the phone to her mum and when she asked when Keri wanted a visit Keri, without any hesitation, went "Today!" So her mum and John got into the car and drove up to see Keri this evening. They were planning on going to Bath anyway so it wasn't too bad. They spent a couple of hours together talking, smoking, drinking coffee... They got her some DVDs and her teddy bear from Alder on the way. Keri found it really good to have a visit but I think she's clinging really strongly onto her mum at the moment, maybe it's because she feels vulnerable and just wants her mum; but it could verge on being unhealthy. I'm not sure how that's going to pan out at the moment.

Keri's evening has been calmer as she's taken her medication. She's cleared her conscience by apologising to the five members of staff involved in having to restrain her and sort her out. Each one of them told her there was nothing for her to apologise about but Keri feels compelled to do that as she feels she is a burden on people. An example she used to the staff was the fact she's currently taking up two beds, one on Alder Unit and one on Lime Unit. Who cares? No one! As long as Keri starts getting better then the bed issue isn't even an issue! Speaking of beds, she should be dead by now. She didn't even have three hours sleep last night and she's still awake at nearly 2am. You can't blame me either! I came out to do the post as it's obvious how much Keri's head is racing and it's going to be at least a couple more hours before she even lies down. Where does this stamina come from?! 

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 150 & 151

Written by Fox.

DAY 150 & 151 - 4th & 5th January, Saturday & Sunday

Keri got up around midday on Saturday. She'd had a really bad night and had needed extra medication. It was very noticeable to the staff and it wasn't something she was able to keep hidden. We were all shouting, she had a headache and all of us had given up. I'd made a post on Friday which she read like I asked. At the bottom I'd written "we're gone tomorrow". That was the truth. All of us had given up. So we didn't exist? Well, then let's make it that way.

She got up and hurriedly did her washing, knowing that when she asked for an hour of leave (she now has two separate hours of leave a day) that Sally would help her do something and that we'd succeed because even if the police were called before we'd killed ourselves, they'd be all preoccupied waiting and circling around near the suspension bridge.

Keri told staff she was going to the supermarket. She didn't even get near the inside before Sally came out, got her on a bus and the next thing Keri knows is she's standing next to a tall fence next to a railway line and the sun has gone down. Looking through her bag she managed to find the small torch she usually keeps in her bag, just in case. It's just a cheap one from tesco but it definitely is bright! She couldn't get over the fence and onto the railway line so ended up walking through woods and deserted areas for hours, consistently getting her feet stuck in mud or getting freaked out that her hallucinations were following her. She was absolutely freezing and on the verge of collapse

Finally, she managed to find a remote bridge that overlooked the railway. There were houses nearby but the path to the bridge was pitch black, and so was the bridge itself. Keri knew that no one would be walking around in the dark like that at that time of night. Even though she was stiff from the cold and felt like fainting, as soon as she looked over the railings she shone her torch down into the darkness. It was a mainline railway. The cold disappeared and she felt so calm and relaxed. Just as she was looking down, one train passed on the right hand side track so, after quickly looking to make sure no one was around, she climbed onto the wall and over the railing, perching on the edge of the bridge just over the track that the train had just crossed. She knew that her best bet would be jumping in front of a train from a bridge as the driver wouldn't see her until it was too late. 

After about fifteen minutes she was to the point where she was almost dangling off the side of the bridge and suddenly heard that familiar noise of the police helicopter. She prayed that hopefully because she was so cold, the thermal cameras wouldn't pick up on her. Unfortunately they found her and started circling to direct ground units to her. There were three officers that were quickly behind Keri. She didn't even realise they were there.

"Back up and give some space for a minute," said one male officer as they waited for more units. It was clear from Keri's posture that she was ready to jump as soon as she had the chance. It wasn't going to be long before a train turned up on her side of the track. The police knew this and I heard the same officer ask someone to make sure the trains were stopped. Keri heard nothing. She still was ignorant to her surrounding popularity, and tried ignoring the helicopter. The officer asking for the trains to be stopped had been too late, there was one on the way, Keri could see the lights and felt the vibrations on the bridge. Now, she thought. She glanced down at the dark tracks as the train got closer, thinking that it looked so peaceful. There was no panic, no distress. She just knew that she wouldn't have to feel anymore pain.

Before the train got too close, all of a sudden there were several officers grabbing Keri with every hand they could manage. Keri was startled and started struggling. I don't know whether you guys have ever watched the first series of Touch, but if she's touched by people without any warning or by people she doesn't know she starts struggling (which makes people hold onto her tighter), starts hyperventilating, and makes horribly distressing noises. She was shouting and crying and tried everything to get out of their grip. At one point they had to restrain her to the point of hurting her. It wasn't their fault though. Keri was still on the other side of the wall and railings. If they let her go she'd have tumbled down onto the tracks.

"Call in for more back-up!" an officer shouted down his radio. "She's still on the wrong side of the railings and we need help getting her back over. She's really struggling with us here." 

Keri didn't hear them say that either. She was suddenly blinded by the helicopter spotlight which attracted the attention of most of the houses lined up along the railway. With a bright light in her eyes, still alive and in an extremely panicked state, she totally zoned out. The officers somehow managed to get her over the railings and lift her from the wall and onto the floor. Again, they couldn't help but hurt her as they carried her over the top of the spiky railings as the struggling continued.

The officers managed to get her standing up and Keri was still unresponsive, making distressed noises, hyperventilating and staring at the floor as officers held onto her to put her in a police car.

"Hey Keri," one officer walking a few steps ahead said. "Do you remember me? I've met you before."

She didn't even hear his question. She was placed inside a police car without a struggle while a very kind officer sat in the back with her. Keri was rapidly rocking back and forth, still making distressed noises and hyperventilating. The officer put a hand on her back.

"Keri, it's okay," he said. "You're safe, you're with us now."

Keri remained unresponsive during the whole journey.

"Keeping an eye on her hands mate?" the driver said. 

"Yeah, there's no issue. She's not talking, or doing anything for that matter. Totally unresponsive."

They were bringing her back to Alder Unit.

"According to the inspector, we've just got to play good cop and then leave," the driver said. They were very kind to Keri. The inspector was absolutely fuming and was putting in another report and contacting Alder yet again. The police weren't angry at Keri, they were angry with the mental health system.

With Keri soon heavily doped up on medication and given a hot cup of tea, she was kept on one to one observation. Their main priority was to get Keri into some warm dry clothes before she started getting hypothermia, the second was to get her something to eat as she was so close to fainting. After that Keri was allowed to go to her room, still being checked regularly by staff. You would've thought that she'd have fallen asleep early but again it was another late night.

Not much to report on today. By the way, happy 18th birthday to Keri's younger brother Jamie! Keri's been in her room for most of it. One of the staff took her to the supermarket to get batteries as her unescorted leave has been banned. Staff have had the police on the phone for a while today talking about things as they're getting so angry. Let's see how tonight pans out. All of us are pretty annoyed that Keri was found. How do you instill hope into those that have none?

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 142

Written by Fox.

DAY 142 - 27th December, Friday

I thought today was going to be a calm day but it didn't turn out that way. Keri's been sinking into her depression further and further. She hasn't smiled. She's barely spoken; and when she does speak her voice is flat. She hasn't laughed. She's barely socialised. She's been feeling suicidal. I think that's what triggered Sally to come out this evening.

About twenty minutes before handover Sally decided to jump the fence again. Keri had gone out to have a cigarette and dissociated while out there. What Sally didn't realise was that one of the staff saw her dart over the fence and saw the little bobbles on Keri's hat (a woolly teddy hat one of her foster brothers gave her for Christmas). Obviously they tried to phone Keri's mobile but Sally had no intention of answering. 

With more speed than she's ever had before, Sally made it to the observatory and let Keri out. Keri didn't see any sign of anyone and snuck down the path towards the bridge. She saw a police car circling so hid in the bushes until it went round on it's next circuit and was out of sight. As soon as it had gone she ran down the path and went to go on the bridge. Unfortunately for her there were two officers walking down the bridge which Keri hadn't seen. Keri didn't even manage to get onto the bridge. She saw an officer with a torch and as soon as she did she turned round and walked in the opposite direction to get around the fence to get around the other side of the bridge.

"Hey, excuse me!" said one of the officers. 

Keri ignored them, knowing they knew exactly who she was.

"Keri, don't try running," he said as Keri backed away as they walked towards her. 

She tried tricking them. She went to run for one side of the bridge so the officers darted to one side expecting to catch her, then suddenly changed direction and darted to the opposite side of the bridge. She sprinted as fast as she could and then an officer came out of nowhere and jumped at her, both of them falling to the ground and Keri being restrained by two officers on the floor. She was handcuffed as two other officers turned up, the two that had been doing their circuit.

Two of them took Keri into a car and started driving back to the hospital. Keri was rocking, talking to herself, and was unresponsive to the officers besides mumbling that she didn't want to be stopped. Halfway through the journey she managed to get off one of her cuffs. Slipping off her seat belt, she launched herself towards the front of the car as she knew the back doors were locked. The officer with her restrained her and tried to get the cuffs back on. He couldn't do it alone so the officer who was driving got out and helped get them back on again. 

"You keeping an eye on those cuffs?" the officer driving said as they were on their way again.

"Yeah, it's okay," the officer next to her said.

"Well be careful. Her wrists are so small it's hard to keep her in cuffs."

Keri remained cuffed until back at the unit. She stayed on constant observation after the police left and all the doors have been locked again. She's sat in her room on ten minute observation at the moment but still has to be on constant observation when they allow her in the garden to have a cigarette.

She's taken all her medication but she seems really out of it. I'm quite worried. She's barely responsive to anyone talking to her, she's avoiding all eye contact, she's hallucinating again, she's determined to kill herself as the depression is just eating away at her. I don't think she's going to be kept on the ward much longer. I think she's disappeared and had the police bring her back six times in less than a month. Now with the way she's presenting... I don't know. She seems to be slipping into psychosis again.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 134, 135 & 136

Written by Fox.

DAY 134, 135 & 136 - 19th, 20th & 21st December, Thursday, Friday & Saturday

Keri didn't find her psychotherapy session very helpful on Friday. She'd been documenting everything hour by hour since Thursday evening as soon as she started getting a headache and knew Sally would eventually come out. A lot of people have suggested writing it all down when things happened to see if there was a pattern. Even though she spent 45 minutes talking to Fiona, she can't remember half the stuff they even talked about and has no idea on how to help with Sally. In fact, no one does.

Yesterday night Sally decided she was going to disappear again. She let Keri out by the time she got to the observatory. Maybe the buses were in her favour or she just ran most of the way there, but either way Sally got Keri up there pretty quickly. Keri looked over the railings at the bridge. There was no one walking on it and even the traffic was pretty quiet, only the occasional car was crossing. Even so, it would've been hard to see Keri in the dark and the rain while driving past anyway. So Keri legged it to the bottom of the observatory then casually walked along it again (she found that if she runs then it gets the security guards on edge straight away). Once in the middle, she looked up and down. No cars. No security. No pedestrians. She started climbing the fence, managing to get halfway over the first fence before being pulled down by one of the managers from the bridge who had happened to be passing in his car as Keri was climbing. He managed to stop and grab her just as the security reached her and was congratulated on how he was able to spot her even in the terrible weather. She was extremely non-compliant and kept kicking off. The guard holding onto her was called Shaun. He'd pulled her down the last time when Sally had tried getting over.

As Keri was kicking off so much, Shaun had to hold one arm around her neck and the other around her waist so he could half carry her to the toll booth house while the other security officer phoned the police to let them know they'd found Keri. Two police officers showed up but after seeing how distressed Keri was they called up for a van, so they had to wait for that to show up. Shaun was actually really good with her. He loosened his grip every now and again but couldn't let her go as Keri kept going for the doors to get back on the bridge. She never could struggle for long as she was in a partial choke hold which then meant she had no choice but to calm down. Her hyperventilating just got worse when two more officers arrived with their van. She panics with police officers as she's had bad experiences in the past, it's nothing personal to them.

"The unit often phone us up and we've already told them that this isn't a cry for help," Shaun was saying to the officers. "She's real serious about getting over the barrier and there's been some times where it's been way too close for comfort. That ward has no idea what they're doing."

One of the officers who'd been stood waiting kneeled down next to Keri and tried getting Keri to look her in the eye.

"Keri, because you're so distressed we want to keep you safe while we take you back to the hospital," she said. "I'm going to have to put some handcuffs on you. I won't do it now, I'm just warning you that that's what I'm going to have to do. Is that okay?"

"No!" Keri screamed. The same woman searched her while Shaun kept hold of her. I don't quite agree with how she was being restrained as one arm was around her neck. She was already hyperventilating. With the amount she was kicking off she was kept constantly restrained. When it was time to get her in the van the female officer took out her handcuffs and was restrained by her and Shaun while they put one cuff on.

"Keri, relax your arm," she said, "come on, I'm not going to hurt you."

Partly relaxing her arm, the officer managed to get Keri's other arm behind her back to put the cuffs on properly. Shaun made sure he was the one to help take Keri out to the van. The traffic had been held up for a good fifteen minutes as the van was blocking the way.

"I can't go back! You've got to let me go! Please!" Keri shouted, by this point she was crying.

With a lot of effort they managed to get her in the cage and get the door shut. Keri went absolutely mental in the thirty seconds she was left on her own. Kicking out at the door and bashing her head really hard against the side of the vehicle. In the end two officers had to get in the cage and keep hold of her. One of them grabbed a soft foam thing and put it between Keri's head and the side of the vehicle. The other kept hold of Keri's arm to keep some form of control when Keri was lashing out.

"The badger was in the sink," Keri said. "The fucking thing stole my spoons! Shut up, shut up!" What?  Yeah, that's what I thought. Make any sense to you? If it does then please explain!

The female officer was following behind in her car. It was quite claustrophobic with three people in the cage, although one of them was only half in there.

The four officers managed to get her back inside the hospital. One of them went into the office to talk to staff while the other three were directed into a small lounge to keep Keri in. When she got back from talking to staff she came in and sat down on one of the sofas.

"Do you want to take the cuffs off her yet?" one of the guys asked her.

"No," she said. "Not yet."

The staff had gone off to get Keri some medication which she took after finally getting the handcuffs off. She wanted a cigarette but the police were very wary. Staff arrived with more pills.

"Here's some more medication," they said. "Part number two."

They went to get Keri's cigarettes but the police weren't happy with letting Keri outside without two of them going out there with her and a member of staff. Once she'd finished she was taken into the staff office to sit with the two staff that were on. The two remaining officers said their goodbyes and left. You could tell they were getting annoyed with the staff. They found it ridiculous that there were only two members of staff for ten patients, especially when someone like Keri is taking up both members of staff.

It was definitely a restless night. Keri didn't go to sleep until gone 3am and woke up terrified thinking her dad was in her room at 7am. She'd also had flashes of road signs which she quickly scribbled in the notebook she keeps next to her bed if she has a nightmare or dreams something confusing or important. Just to make sure she doesn't forget about it. She wrote down all the road signs. Keri doesn't know what the road signs mean but I do. It's the route Sally uses to get to the suspension bridge, somehow while Keri was sleeping that leaked into her dreams. After an hour, she then went back to bed until 3pm. She didn't sleep for that much. By the time she got out of bed, she knew she hadn't been asleep all that time because Sally had graffitied her wardrobe with a message saying "Keri litsen 38" (we're all assuming she means 'listen' as Sally isn't a great speller). Plus an arrow pointing to the left (which could've meant her DVDs, her laptop, her music... Keri ended up watching the 38th DVD on her shelf (Side Effects) and as she was sorting her paperwork she noticed the plug on her docking station was switched on. When she looked at the station, she saw her iPod plugged into it. Keri didn't do that. Sally did it and put it on the list of Eminem songs Keri has. That was what Sally meant. Listening to the 38th Eminem song which was called Talking to Myself. Keri listened to it but doesn't quite understand what she means by it. Sally has never tried explaining her feelings before and if you listen to the lyrics in that song you can tell how hurt and angry she is.

Knowing how annoyed Sally is, Keri decided to sit in the communal lounge for a while and watched Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. She got a bit fed up with another patient. She saw Keri get brought in last night and was having a go at Keri about how she'd seen seven police officers in the unit at one point and that Keri had her whole life ahead of her... What she didn't realise was that whenever anyone says this to Keri she sits there and becomes even more determined to kill herself just to prove that the world has screwed her over and she's not prepared to live in it anymore. She's absolutely dreading Christmas! Even though she's hopefully going to be spending Christmas with her foster parents, the closer the day comes the more miserable she's getting. Looks like I might have to come out for part of Christmas or Sally might end up ruining it for everyone. And you know what? Keri's past caring if Sally comes out again between now and Christmas. How do I get her hope and motivation back? It's breaking my heart seeing her go so downhill. She even looks haunted and ill. You can tell she's not herself. She's forcing herself to smile if she has to but inside she's thinking "I want this all to end!" I'm sorry there's nothing I can do, Keri. I wish there was :(

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 125

Written by Fox.

DAY 125 - 10th December, Tuesday

Keri did actually get to bed before 2am last night as her head hurt so much. All she wanted to do was lie down. She still had a migraine in the morning but the staff didn't disturb her besides coming in at about 12.15pm to give her her two doses of medication. She stayed in bed until about 2pm. She's been depressed and had a lot of crying episodes going on, which is why I think Sally decided to "help" today.

All Keri remembers is playing a game on her iPad then finding herself running through some dark woods with the police helicopter hovering above her. When she became fully aware of being herself, she slowed down to try and figure out where she was. It turns out she was up near the observatory, yet again by the suspension bridge. Could Keri have stopped and phoned the unit? Yes. Could she have asked for help? Yes. She didn't want it. So instead she legged it to the bridge and casually walked along it. She almost got over the fence again before a passing car spotted her and the two people inside (I'm assuming a married couple) grabbed her and got her off the fence for the few seconds they waited for the security to be able to get there. That's when Keri started to kick off as she knew how far away security had been. She knew that if that car hadn't stopped then she'd have been able to get over.

She started panicking and two officers arrived and had to handcuff her due to the fact she was so distressed to the point of being very unpredictable, and Sally was nipping out here and there which kept getting her restrained. They kept hold of her until a police van arrived. They thought it would be safer due to Keri's mental state that putting her in the back of a van would be safer for both Keri and the officers, one of which sat in the cage with her.

After finally managing to get Keri back to the unit the police took her into the staff office where they sat Keri down and spoke to the staff. At this point Keri was rocking frantically back and forward, still hyperventilating and was unresponsive to anyone speaking to her. The staff decided it would be better to speak to the police without Keri there and took her through to the manager's office. One staff member chatted to the police while another went to get Keri a cup of tea. Keri overheard the police talking to Andy, a member of staff, and about how things were going to work out. The police were of the opinion Keri needed to be on a locked ward and were talking about the repetitive absconding and dangerous situations that had happened only in the last four months of being in hospital. Keri zoned out a bit after that but I heard Andy say to the police that if this happens again then Keri will be moved to a secure ward, and it could very well be likely that she'd be sent to ECH. Not something anyone wants! 

She was kept on one to one for a while, now she's on ten minute obs. The staff have said that when she settles to bed they'll take it down to half hour obs and then after a couple of hours put it down to hourly obs again so they don't disturb her when she finally gets some much needed sleep. Unfortunately it doesn't look like Keri is going to bed any time soon! Such a shame. I really hope things start settling. Keri's going to text her psychotherapist tomorrow and see whether there's anything she can do to help.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 119 & 120 (17 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 119 & 120 - 4th & 5th November, Wednesday & Thursday

Yesterday was quite a quiet day. Keri was herself all day which was reassuring. She saw her personal advisor for social services and then spent most of the rest of her time in her room with her DVDs and music. She was desperate to have some of her own space. She thought she was going to get it by moving to Alder Unit as she was told she'd only be checked on once every shift. She was still on hourly observation.

Waking up today, Keri felt quite tense and knew Sally was lingering. She tried to do her normal routine, starting off by going down to do her physio in the gym. Her key worker had a chat with her when she got back and asked how Keri was.

"Feeling a bit tense," Keri said. "Something bad is going to happen."

"Is that a gut feeling?" she said. "Like a sense of impending doom?"

"That's a bit of an exaggeration," Keri said, smiling slightly.

"You know what I mean," she said. "We're here if you need us."

Later that evening, Keri asked if she could go out on unescorted leave. She wanted to get some goodies from the supermarket. She had no intention of disappearing. Her plan was to go to the supermarket and then come back to the unit so that she could build up her leave and eventually get off of her section. Unfortunately, Keri dissociated and she found herself standing in some bushes in pitch black right next to the suspension bridge.

The problem with Keri is she's consciously trying to think of her future, however, subconsciously she's still suicidal. Sally is part of Keri's subconscious so acts on these feelings. Keri wasn't angry at all. In fact, she was glad. She's been struggling so much that she knew that finally it could all be over. Those subconscious feelings were how conscious and in the forefront of her mind. There was no one on the bridge and she sprinted to the middle of it. What she didn't realise was that there was a passer by on the other side of the bridge. She saw Keri climbing over the barrier and ran across the road to pull her down. That stranger saved Keri's life. The security wouldn't have gotten to her in time. She was restrained by security when they ran over to where she was fighting with this woman. Both of them got Keri onto the floor while she struggled. Luckily the woman was still there and security asked her to ring 999 and get the police up to the bridge. She'd been reported missing and only twenty minutes earlier security had been told to look out for her. They even had the helicopter flying in circles around the bridge.

Four police cars showed up and she was handed over to the officers by the security guards. At this point she was still fighting against them. When they finally managed to get her into the back of a 

police car she gave up. She went into another dissociative stupor until they got back to the hospital. Since being back at the hospital they've given her all the medication they can and kept her on one to one observation for five hours from 8.30pm until 1.30am when Keri said she was going to get ready for bed. It was decided they could put Keri on ten minute observation for the night. Considering there's only two members of staff, one of them had to be with Keri at all times while the other had to do everything else. The other patients were getting a bit agitated as the staff had to keep all the doors locked, including the doors out to the smoking area. I'm assuming this was done to reassure the police that Keri wouldn't have another episode.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 91 (13 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 91 (13 weeks) - 6th November, Wednesday

Keri set her alarm for 6.30am and also asked the night staff if they could give her a wake up call as well. They're idea of a wake up call is a quick knock on the door. Keri heard it but hit her snooze buttom when her alarm went off and rolled over to go back to sleep! She kept hitting snooze until about 7am when she finally needed to get out of bed as she was being picked up at 7.30am.

After two iced coffees and nearly half a pack of cigarettes, her personal advisor and Liz turned up to get her in the car to take her to court. Keri was bricking it! There was no real problem getting Keri in the car and she spent the journey with her headphones on, music as loud as it would go, and slipped into a dissociative state until they finally arrived at the court just before 10am.

Keri panicked right away after getting out of the car because she still has her paranoid hallucinations and was terrified of the five guys that had followed her from the hospital to court. Her foster mum reassured Keri that she was safe and that no one could get into the building and to the room they would be in without security or a key card. This didn't reassure Keri very much but she trusts her foster mum so tried to trust her judgement.

Keri was shown the video link room, a different one from the last time she was there. She also met the judge, her barrister and the defendent's Queens Council who's 6 foot 8 inches! He was like a giant! Keri was a little intimidated by him. He didn't look as empathetic as the defendent's other barrister. Abz had made her own way to court and the judge had given permission for her to be in the room with Keri while she gave evidence just in case something happened (considering she's still sectioned), while her foster mum and PA had to wait in a room next door. So Keri and her intermediary sat in the video link room while Abz and one of the witness care team sat just outside.

Keri found the QC's questioning a lot harder going than she had during her last cross examination with the other barrister in the same court case back in May. Even so, she didn't dissociate (only short periods of spacing out) and was allowed several breaks. The day was again booked out purely for her to give evidence again so that she didn't have to come back and so that she wasn't rushed through, the judge was the same as last time and was very sensitive towards Keri's complex needs.

Last time when Keri had finally made it through the cross examination she walked in to her outreach worker and foster mum who had been sat in the witness room next door with a big smile on her face. This time she was tense, anxious, and felt Sally brewing. Before they left Abz gave Keri some Lorazepam (the nurses had put together Keri's medication in a bag along with her emergency Lorazepam). After that, Abz, Keri, her foster mum and her PA strolled back to Abz's car, with Keri getting plenty of praise from everyone about how well she'd done. She didn't feel like she'd done well at all.

They got to the car and Keri immediately sparked up a cigarette, unfortunately Sally was trying to get out and her foster mum saw the warning signs straight away and knew what was going to happen. Sally suddenly burst out and tried getting away from the car except Keri's foster mum, Abz and her PA had all been ready and just restrained her. Abz really did not help the situation as she kept calling Sally 'Keri', as she's reminded us most of the evening! Sally's main goal was to get to Keri's dad and throttle him with her bare hands but when she finally realised there was no way anyone was going to let go of her she decided to wait. She wasn't going anywhere while she was being restrained and she knew they weren't going to let her kill anyone, even if it was Keri's dad. 

Keri came back and suddenly collapsed, but Liz and Abz caught her as they'd still been holding on from while Sally was out. Remember yesterday when I wrote Keri couldn't get herself to cry? It finally came out. She just burst into tears; a mixture of relief that it was over, guilt that her dad might end up in prison, and anger that Sally was trying to mess things up. Abz and Liz got into the car with Keri and once again she put on her headphones and slipped into a dissociative state again. Getting her back on the ward was easy enough and she's just medicated to the eyeballs again.

Blondie knows Keri's DID very well, having met several of Keri's alters. She kept Keri out of the HDU. She ended up playing five games of pool, two with one of the patients she gets along well with, Denny. Then a further three games of pool with Blondie, then played table tennis for a while before Keri went out and smoked. The point of all this was that Blondie wanted to keep Keri in the communal areas to help prevent her dissociating if possible.

Everyone is completely exhausted. Sally seems to be the only one who's gotten over her downfall and is getting wired up for her next "trick". Unfortunately Keri's been puking for the last couple of hours this evening. She can barely get herself up off her bathroom floor half the time so I think when she finally goes to bed then she's going into a coma! With so much medication and the mental and emotional exhaustion, and the puking, she's totally drained. Just one look at her face and you can see just how drained and unwell she is. Let's just hope court finishes okay and there's nothing that could go wrong. I couldn't handle Keri's reaction if something else went pearshaped.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 82

Written by Fox.

DAY 82 - 28th October, Monday

Keri spent most of her time in bed and got up at midday. She didn't do much besides having a quick go at her puzzle and writing complete gibberish down in her notepad. Nothing really happened up until about 6.30pm when Keri asked to go out on unescorted leave. Keri had figured out she'd have a better chance killing herself if she was at the bridge late at night rather than in the middle of the day with a load of people around. What did the staff do? They let her out!

She got to the bridge to find there was a police car up there so she ran up to the observatory and stayed up there for a while smoking and watching the traffic on the bridge. After about half an hour she risked it and saw that the police car had gone. Without a single moment of hesitation (normally she'll be smoking a cigarette on her way to the middle of the bridge) she briskly walked, almost to the point of jogging, to the middle of the bridge. With one glance up and down the bridge to make sure there were no guards or other people she climbed the barrier to get over. Half way over and she was suddenly rugby tackled onto the floor by one of the security guards who was seriously out of breath. They must have caught Keri on the security cameras and done a runner to her when they saw she was climbing the fence.

The other guard called 999 while the one who rugby tackled her kept her held down while she was trying to fight. Her desperation was overwhelming. An off duty police officer turned up while they were waiting for back up and he came over to help.

"Poor girl's desperate to get over that," the guard said, nodding at the fence.

"Was it a serious attempt?" the police guy asked.

"Oh yes, I only just got to her," the guard said.

They tried calming Keri down with comforting words but all she could shout about was the fact she'd been stopped from getting off the bridge twice in less than a week, although this time being more serious. For some reason ten police officers ended up up there! How that happened I have no idea. Six of them disappeared as Keri had her arms handcuffed behind her back. They got her in the car with the police officer sat with her holding onto the cuffs.

When they got back to the hospital Keri kept fighting and saw that there was another police car parked outside. It was a struggle to get her back in but they managed it and took off the handcuffs. The police seemed a bit dodgy about leaving Keri but then something must've come on over their radio as they had to shoot out like a bullet. Keri was fucking mental at this point. Vex went to get her some medication to space her out and when he came back she was terrified.

"Here's some medication, you have to take it," Vex said, sitting next to Keri.

"I can't," Keri said. "I have to check the tickets."

"What tickets?" Vex said.

"The tickets," she said. "There are things here without permission."

"Where are they?"

"Everywhere."

"Well, take this medication and then you can go and check your tickets."

Vex put the medication in her mouth himself and helped her swallow some water. She was in a bad way until those pills started to kick in, and no one had a clue what she was talking about. Now she's like a little space monkey, floating around like a zombie ghost.

Her brother is supposed to visit tomorrow. I wonder whether Keri will even be able to get out of bed with all the medication, especially as she's due more in ten minutes. She had a nice chat with her foster mum though (she knew something had happened as the police turned up at her door asking whether they'd seen Keri). So that's a bonus. Keri always loves chatting to her foster mum, gives her a little glow. Her iPhone is due to arrive on her birthday as well which would be good, but I don't know how well these next three days are going to be. Keri definitely won't be allowed out alone. Even the police were shocked that Keri had managed to disappear from the hospital, whilst sectioned, twice in less than a week. Every time she's been going to that bridge she's been getting closer and closer to killing herself because she's thinking it out well. I just worry that if there's a next time then it'll be her last.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 52

Written by Fox.

DAY 52 - 28th September, Saturday

Keri didn't get out of bed until gone 2pm but less than 15 minutes after getting dressed her key nurse, Cat, came in and spoke to her. She told Keri that all her leave has been cancelled and isn't going to be reviewed until Monday. After what happened yesterday it hardly came as a surprise! It was established that Keri still felt the same so they kept the HDU garden locked so that Keri couldn't try getting over the fence while staff were in the main ward. Because Keri had been in bed she hadn't had her morning or midday medication so Cat went to get it for her and she took it without complaint. 

Keri's now officially on hourly obs, even though on paper they're supposed to check everyone every 10 minutes in the HDU. She found out that she'd been the only one on 10 minute obs, the other three patients were all fine! Everyone kept saying how quiet it was down there and Keri's ended up being restrained at least 3 times in the last 24 hours and been heard screaming and shouting both in seclusion and in her room. She's destroying the peace by being the most unpredictable patient on the ward right now! None of the staff know what's going to happen from one minute to the next at the moment!

Because Keri wasn't allowed out into the garden in the HDU she had to settle for going out into the communal garden which she didn't mind too much as Denny (pseudo name) was out there and Keri gets along very well with him. Keri sat and smoked, waiting for her medication to kick in. Then Bitch came outside (she was admitted again yesterday and after the evening Keri had it wasn't nice to have that piled on top! Luckily at that point she was on one to one).

At first she wasn't too bad. She was just annoying Keri with her tone deaf singing but then suddenly Bitch decided to turn on Keri and start being point blank nasty again. She was sat a few feet away on a bench next to another patient while Keri was sitting on the side of one of the big wooden vegetable patches. The wood is thick so it's like sitting on a bench, just slightly lower down. Eventually Bitch decided to sit next to Keri on the plant box. She carried on and on. Then came a point when Keri completely lost it. She stood up, grabbed Bitch by the collar of her coat and chucked her against the wall and onto the floor.

"Don't you fucking dare talk about things like that!" Keri screeched, as Bitch started to get up. "You know absolutely fuck all about me!"

"I'm not scared of you," Bitch said, as Keri held Bitch's collar in both hands.

"I don't give a shit if you're not scared of me!" Keri shouted. "One more word and I swear to god I will punch you."

"Go on then," Bitch said. "Nobody likes you. You're all on your own. You never get visitors. You're so nasty that not even your family want you anymore."

And with that, Keri clenched her fist and punched Bitch straight in the jaw before throwing her back against the wall and storming inside, Bitch attempting a feeble kick from behind. As Keri got back on the ward from the garden she went absolutely mental as she stormed up to the desk.

"That's fucking it!" Keri shouted at the nurse behind reception. "Either she leaves the ward or I do!"

"Keri," the nurse said. "What's happened?"

"That fucking bitch outside! If she doesn't get moved then I'm going to punch her again!" she shouted, crying uncontrollably. 

"You hit her?" the nurse said.

"She was asking for it! Ask any of the patients who were there, Denny is still sat outside and saw everything!"

One of the other patients at the desk put her arm around Keri's shoulders because she knew what Bitch was like and felt so sympathetic because of how hysterical Keri's crying was. Keri never cries that badly in front of people unless there's a VERY good reason for it. 

Suddenly Bitch came in from the garden and shouted Keri had stolen her cigarettes (which obviously she hadn't done and everyone knew that). One of the staff set the alarms off as it was obvious another fight was going to break out. 

"What's going on?" they asked.

"There's been a fight out in the garden," one of the nurses said.

Seven members of staff ended up having to sort out the situation. Two members of staff walked with Bitch to her room, not even holding onto her. She was still shouting provoking comments so Keri tried going for her again but there were too many staff members around and she ended up getting restrained by Cat and Andrex. They held onto her arms and tried getting her to her room down in the HDU. After they'd got there and it looked like Keri wasn't going to kick off and try running back to hit Bitch, Andrex left and Keri was sat with Cat on her bed. 

They had a long chat and Cat unlocked the HDU garden and sat with Keri while she had a cigarette and calmed down.

"Keri, I don't want you to feel like you're being punished," Cat said while they sat outside. "But I think it's best if we keep you staying down in the HDU for a while until you've calmed down. After that, and when you're calmer, then you can start using the communal areas okay? Will you give me your word that you won't try climbing the fence?"

"I won't," said Keri. "I feel a bit calmer now. I think some time out here with some cigarettes and watching something on my iPad will help. But I need to make a coffee."

"Give me your mug and I'll go to the dining area and get you a mug of hot water, then you can sort out your coffee down here."

Five minutes later and Keri was sat watching Orphan Black (great new series on the BBC if you haven't seen it yet), with a pack of cigarettes and a cup of coffee. After a couple of hours she was out in the communal areas again and hasn't seen Bitch since their fight!

The staff managed to persuade Keri to go down to Woodside to the gymnasium for an hour of badminton. This, in a way, is a good thing as it got her off the ward and away from Bitch. But the problem is it's exercise and Keri gets very obsessive. She's had nothing to eat today and all she thought about while playing badminton wasn't about winning or losing, it was about calories. It was a good time though, it was a good group of patients that went down with staff, all of which had unescorted leave besides Keri; but staff were there so it wasn't an issue as they were only going to the outpatients and therapies ward - aka Woodside.

Keri's finally been given a key to her room which also has a personal alarm attached to it just in case Bitch starts getting in her face again, Keri can just set it off and the staff will come out and make sure no other physical fights happen. The problem is it involved Keri being restrained again. All of it has to be put down on paperwork. They'll also have to write down on her risk assessment about physical aggression to other patients. Even though Keri was heavily provoked, it was still her that initiated a physical fight. With all this on her record, it's not looking good for her ward round. Luckily the staff know what Bitch is like and are going to try getting her moved again. Brian came to see Keri while she was restricted to the HDU for a short time and said that Bitch had been told she wasn't allowed near Keri and if she did then the staff would remove her from wherever Keri was; for instance if Keri was sat smoking and chatting in the communal garden and Bitch came out and started provoking her again then the staff would come out and take her either to the female garden or just onto the ward so that another fight doesn't break out.

Overall the staff are quite wary around Keri at the moment due to her risk and unpredictability. After speaking to Cat this morning Keri apologised about the night before and said she'd dissociated. Cat already knew that this was the case due to the extreme difference in her normal behaviour. Keri has never sworn at the staff directly or been violent towards them. Sally on the other hand did that last night, calling them pricks and trying to punch them. It was quite clear that it wasn't Keri. She's quite glad that the staff knew that! They've obviously learned over time about Keri's DID and what happens if she dissociates, especially if it's Sally.

Well, it's gone 12.30am so Keri will be going and getting her fifth dose of medication soon. I doubt she'll sleep very quickly though. She's too wound up. So I will just keep updating the DID page every now and then until she goes to sleep. I doubt it'll be for another few hours.

As they say, tomorrow is another day. A clean slate.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 51

Written by Fox.

DAY 51 - 27th September, Friday

Would it surprise you if I was to say Keri hibernated again today? I bet it doesn't. These sleeping tablets are pathetic! She was woken up by the physiotherapist knocking on her door. Keri rapidly dumped some clothes on and let her in, along with the student physio that was with her. Keri said she didn't want to go down to the gym today so they're starting their physio back up again on Monday, hopefully. We need to get Keri's joints sorted or they're going to get worse in later life (that's if she has a later life after the disaster that happened today!)

Keri had her psychotherapy session today. I was asleep at the time but Keri's psychotherapist was going to take her down to another ward where they were doing a wildlife thing and they'd brought in two owls! Clarissa spent ages trying to wake me up as she knows I love that kind of thing. Keri got around to seeing one owl before I ended coming out and seeing both of them. That annoyed Keri! She even said to her psychotherapist that it was unfair I got to see the barn owl before she did. They were beautiful! Overall the session went well. I only came out to see the owls and then went back in again so Keri could finish her session.

At around 4.30, less than an hour after finishing with her psychotherapist, she asked the staff if she could go to the supermarket and get more cigarettes. Turns out she'd been granted unescorted leave for half an hour! Apparently it would look good on her tribunal paperwork if she managed it well. Keri decided that she'd buy the cigarettes and then go back to the ward. Her mood was stable and a little perky, which is always a danger sign as it means she's a lot more impulsive. Yes, she got her cigarettes, but as she was coming back the bus she'd need to get on to get to Clifton was just sat there. No one was getting on or coming off. Suddenly she just ran to the bus, bought a ticket and settled herself in a seat, not believing her luck. After she'd got on the bus left the stop. Keri thought it was fate calling her...

It took a while for Keri to get to the suspension bridge but when she did she went up there and had a cigarette. There was a group of tourists taking photos of each other on both sides of the bridge, right in the middle of where Keri wanted to jump (the longest drop). So she had to hang around for a few minutes. Unfortunately for her one of the security guards recognised her and clocked on. It took a very short time for two police cars to turn up. The officers had to keep a tight hold on her because she was desperate not to be back at the hospital. Because she was kicking up a storm, they called in for back up (bearing in mind there were already four officers there) so that they could get a van to take her back to the hospital, it was the only place they could legally take her. While they waited, two of them kept hold of her while one of them chatted.

"So what made you want to come up here and want to kill yourself?" he said.

"I've got nothing left to lose," Keri said, tears in her eyes. "I've been sectioned in that place for over 7 fucking weeks. I can't take it any more."

"Well, we've got a missing person report about you that's been called in so there are people that care."

"They don't care. It's their job. If they hadn't phoned you and I'd managed to get over the side of that bridge then they'd be the ones held responsible."

Keri was in a deep depression and the last thing she wanted was to be back in hospital. To her there were only two options, fight tooth and nail so they couldn't take her to the hospital and hopefully get off the bridge or go back to hospital with no issue. With Sally helping Keri with both strength and anger, she fought tooth and nail.

When the van eventually arrived they all agreed they would have to put her in the cage. In the circumstances they were quite sympathetic towards her but still ended up having to put handcuffs on her because of her own safety. Even with handcuffs on it took 5 police officers to restrain her, carry her to the cage, and keep her in there. One of the officers decided he should stay with Keri as she started violently banging her head against the cage door. It seemed like a very long journey. The officer tried to make small talk whenever she looked like she was getting agitated again so he was quite perceptive.

When they finally made it to the ward, one of the officers went to talk to the staff and then he came back out so that he could let Keri and the other officer out of the cage. He opened up the door and said, "There we go, there's a bit of air. Bit muggy in there isn't it?"

Keri tried her hardest to run away but the officers wouldn't let her. Instead they forced her to sit down on the step outside the open doors of the cage. It was Cat who ended up coming out to greet Keri and the officers.

"Oh, Keri," Cat said, crouching down beside her. "Let's get you back into the unit and we can have a chat."

"No, I'm not going back in there!" Keri cried, starting to kick off again. "You won't let me back out!" Cat took one arm, an officer took the other while the other one walked behind them.

"Would you mind holding her other arm while I just unlock these doors?" Cat asked the other officer.

They swapped roles and Keri was still fighting, even with handcuffs on. Someone else opened the door for them anyway so the officers pulled Keri down with Cat through the corridor as she was so stressed out her adrenalin was saying fight fight! And so was Sally. At first Keri thought they were just putting her in her room but they walked straight past it. Then that beep, the beep of a locked door being opened, the little beep of the locked seclusion unit.

The officers managed to get Keri sat down on a chair. There were 3 members of staff there with them; Cat, Andrex and Nick.

"Is this area secure?" asked one of the officers.

"Yes, she can't get out at all," Cat said.

"Right," he said, getting something out of his belt and crouching by Keri. "Let's get these handcuffs off you now, eh?"

Thank god the handcuffs were off. They were causing Keri a great deal of pain because of the amount of struggling she was doing. The police officers saw themselves out while Cat sat next to Keri. Keri was rocking, twitching and hyperventilating. 

"They're going to bring you some medication to calm you down, okay Keri?" Cat said.

Andrex then said, "New admission, we're going to have to move Keri."

"Oh God," Cat said, taking hold of Keri's arm, with Nick taking the other. "Come on, Keri, let's take you to your room."

They managed to get her to her room but Keri was still refusing any medication. She was half Sally half Keri and it wasn't good. Sally was most domineering. The staff let go of Keri's arms when they sat her between them on her bed. After a few minutes of them trying to persuade her to take some sedatives, Keri lost her temper.

"No, no, no," she shouted, tearing off her headphones and her bag. "I don't want your pills. I want to leave!" Then she suddenly shot out of her room and out into the garden to get over the fence.

"Keri, we're not letting you leave the hospital now come on," Cat said as herself and Nick dragged her back to her room, setting off the alarm. This time they sat Keri on the bed but didn't stop restraining her.

"Keri you can't stay like this," Cat said. "You've got no choice. We're going to have to give you your medication whether you want it or not. Either you take it orally or we're going to have to give you an intramuscular injection."

"I don't want your poison running through me!" Keri said, still trying to get out of their grip. The staff that had come running after the alarm had gone off replaced Cat as she went to go and prepare the injection. A doctor also came to talk to her to see what she could do. 

"I've never seen you so anxious, Keri," she said. "What's brought all this on?"

"I don't.. I don't.. I don't know," Keri replied. "I need.. to.. to.. leave."

She was still hyperventilating and the doctor was growing increasingly concerned about how long Keri's heart rate had been so high. She left and was later joined by Cat and Andrex. Caramel and Nick were still holding her arms. By this point Keri was tunnelling further and further away from her conscious. She was fully tensed up, fists clenched, staring unblinking at the floor while the staff held her. Now, if Keri's foster parents had been in this situation then they'd have known straight away that it was a "Look out, Sally!" moment.

After about another few minutes of Keri being completely unresponsive to anyone talking to her (she'd reached a full dissociative state that she has between switches) Sally burst out like an explosion and the staff weren't ready for it. Cat was crouched right in front of Keri and Sally went straight for her and shouted, "Back the fuck off!" Immediately this had turned into a completely different situation and it wasn't only Keri that was in danger but also the staff. The alarm was set off again. As soon as Sally had went for Cat the three members of staff grabbed hold of her while another one pulled out Keri's bed from against the wall so that they could restrain Sally face down on the bed so that Cat could administer the injection. Keri suddenly came back and found herself being held down very tightly by staff and feeling a prick at the top of her arse.

"What the hell are you doing to me?" Keri said.

They kept Keri restrained face down for a good ten minutes until she stopped fighting against them. She felt totally drained. Eventually she was allowed to sit up and was kept on one to one obs for half an hour to make sure things didn't kick off again. No one could tell her what was in the injection but the general consensus seems to be that it was a high dose of Lorazepam. This was at 8.30pm. She's now back on 10 minute obs, unsurprisingly!

Keri was definitely calmer for the rest of this evening. Calmer? More like a walking zombie. That's because at 8.30pm she was injected with Lorazepam, then at 10.30 she was given Quetiapine, Mirtazapine, Diazepam and Promethazine, then at 1am she was given Zopiclone and more Lorazepam! Why the hell is she still conscious? It's gone 3.30am! I do think she's close to collapsing though so I'm not going to talk anymore! I'm going to see if she settles into bed. There's no way she'll be up tomorrow morning! If she is then she's dissociated into someone else!

Love you guys! Tough day but it feels good to vent to people who can understand to some extent. Our DID page and blog is for those in recovery, just being diagnosed, or are living a good life managing their condition. It's also for their loved ones, friends, and for anyone with comorbid conditions likes schizophrenia, depression, borderline personality disorder... But without the support from you guys I don't think I'd have enough motivation to try and help Keri. I thank you all for that! 

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 36

Written by Fox.

DAY 36 - 12th September, Thursday

Wow. Today has been the longest day ever! Keri refused to get out of bed or have her medication this morning. She planned to go out to the garden and get over the fence when she got up before the staff realised she was out of bed. However when she got outside she found the bin she normally used to prop against the fence had been bolted to the concrete! Another patient, Nicole, was out there and explained that a guy had come round and done it to all the bins. Keri got really pissed off and stormed to the desk.

"I want to go out," she said to the staff.

"Well, at the moment we're not letting you out for your own safety, Keri," said Abz, one of the nurses. Jay was sat next to her and just looked at Keri. It was obvious how distressed she was.

By the time it was 1pm the staff found her huddled on her bathroom floor again crying. Brian was going to be her key nurse for the afternoon and evening. He left to carry on handover while another nurse sat with Keri on the bathroom floor. She spoke to Keri about everything that was happening and encouraged her to actually eat some carrot sticks which Keri had bought which she then did. It was decided that Keri was going to go back onto ten minute observation.

While in the process of eating her carrot sticks, Nicole knocked on her bedroom door.

"Have you seen them?" she whispered. "The gardeners are outside and the gate is wide open, and the door to get out there isn't locked. You can go!"

"Are you being serious?" Keri said, slightly shocked. 

Keri had been talking to Nicole about how she needed to get out that morning when she found the bin bolted to the ground. As soon as Nicole told her this Keri grabbed her bag and shot off out into the garden, only to find that the gardeners were just finishing and locking up the gate. She was devastated.

"Oh, I'm sorry Keri," Nicole said. "First the bin and now that. Are you coming up to the downs this afternoon? You'll have perfect opportunity to go then."

A spark glistened in Keri's eyes. The downs? That was up near the suspension bridge. The perfect place. And she'd be driven up there by taxi! Bonus. Nicole at this point didn't actually realise that when Keri managed to get out of the hospital then she'd kill herself. She thought she was just being helpful as Keri had been locked up for over 5 weeks. Strangely, Abz and Jay encouraged Keri to go up there with them to get off the ward when a few hours beforehand they didn't even want to risk walking her to the supermaket!

A few hours went by and it was time to go. Five other patients were going along with two members of staff. At first, Keri and three other patients got into the first taxi with Abz while Jay and the other two patients waited for the second taxi to arrive. 

As soon as they arrived at the downs Keri sparked up a cigarette and looked over the railings down at the road. Abz stuck close by as Keri decided to climb onto them to get a better view. The other patients were lingering around about ten feet away. At first Keri thought that it was just coincidence that Abz was standing next to her instead of the other patients, but as soon as Keri started walking away from the group Abz stayed with her.

"Keri, I need you to come back with the other patients," she said.

"Well, you can go back and hang around with them then," Keri replied.

"No, I have to stay with you," Abz said.

"Why?" Keri said, eyeing up the suspension bridge, which she'd been doing the moment they'd arrived. Abz had already cottoned on to this.

"You know exactly why," she said. 

After Jay and the other two patients arrived, they went to the ice cream van to choose an ice cream. 

"Let's go and get an ice cream," Abz said.

"No, I don't want one, thanks," Keri said, slowly trying to make her way in the opposite direction.

"Come on," she said, taking hold of one of Keri's arms and pulling her to the ice cream van where everyone else was.

"You must want something," Jay said. "What about a can of coke?"

Keri shook her head and started walking away from the group again and sparked up another cigarette, waiting for the perfect opportunity to just run. 

"Let's go for a walk," Keri said to Abz. "That way." 

Keri was pointing in the general direction of the bridge. 

"We can't Keri, the taxis are waiting for us," she said.

Regardless of what Abz said, Keri went off anyway. Abz must have said something to Jay as he made after Keri. She started speed walking, knowing full well that she wouldn't be able to outrun Jay. He ran to and from work and was planning to do a marathon! 

"Keri, slow down, we need to go back to the taxis," Jay said.

"No we don't, the taxis will drive this way anyway," Keri said, looking in the distance at Abz and the other patients waiting near the taxis with their ice creams.

"Keri, stop, come one," Jay said, taking hold of one of Keri's arms.

"No! I want to go this way!" Keri cried, trying to get Jay off of her.

"Why do you want to go that way?" he said, still keeping hold of her so she couldn't go anywhere.

"You know exactly why I want to go that way," she said, not falling for the faked naivety.

"Then you know exactly why I'm not letting you go that way," Jay said, taking her arm tighter in his grip and starting to pull her back towards the group. 

"No, get off me!" Keri said.

He proceeded to pull Keri's arm next to him and put his other arm around her waist and her other arm so he could get her back to the group more easily. At one point another patient was walking to the taxi and was about ten feet behind Keri and Jay.

"Look!" Keri said. "Nicole's walking all the way back there so lets just turn around and walk that way!"

"No," Jay said.

"Can I bribe you?" she said, half sarcastically.

"Keri, we care about you, you're not going to the bridge," Jay said, still pulling her towards the taxi. "We can go for a walk off the grounds when we get back okay?"

They were now several feet away from the taxis and Keri was seriously not happy.

"No!" Keri cried. "It's so close! I don't want to go back to the hospital!"

Abz went round the other side of Keri and took hold of her other arm so they could get her into the taxi.

"Jay, do you want to get in this taxi?" Abz said as Jay pulled Keri into one of the seats and kept hold of her while she was fighting to get out of the door. Three other patients got in with them while Abz and the other two patients got into the other taxi.

"Can you secure the back doors please?" Abz asked the driver through the front window.

Then they were on their way back. Keri soon caught on to the fact that when the red light was on it meant the doors were locked, but if the taxi was sat still for about 30 seconds (like stuck in traffic) then there would be a click and the red light would turn off. At one point she managed to half get out of the grip of Jay's arm around her with her other arm being held by his other hand. She managed to reach across two patients and get the door open while the taxi driver started driving! Jay instantly restrained her and got Nicole to shut the taxi door back up. Jay had caught on to when the doors were being automatically unlocked and each time they were he'd tighten his grip when he felt Keri start tensing up ready to go. He kept her restrained for the whole journey. Even when it got to the point that they'd arrived just outside the unit, Jay kept hold of her until the other patients had gone. He only had hold of one of her arms so she tried leaping out of the taxi and twisting her arm to get out of his grip so she could leg it to a bus stop somewhere away from the hospital.

"Come on, Keri," Jay said, trying to comfort her. "We have to get you back on the unit." 

He pulled her towards the entrance and kept struggling until the point when she was through the door, at which point she gave up and just walked to the female garden to sit and have a cigarette. Lucinda was out there and got on Keri's nerves. She didn't even register that Keri had tears running down her face and just chattered about some crap.

Nicole came out eventually and sat with Keri, talking about how much of a failure today had been about Keri trying to get away and kill herself. I can tell you this, her intent has never been so strong. If she doesn't do something desperate like suffocate herself with a carrier bag (on ten minute obs that'd be almost impossible) and manages to get to the suspension bridge, there'd be absolutely no hesitation. That would be it, which would leave a lot of people devastated; and someone would get a lot of money from suing the hospital!

She was told she had to take her medication this evening because of the benzodiazepine withdrawal. So she's started taking her medication again. Will this carry on tomorrow? I really couldn't tell you. What I can tell you is that if Keri doesn't shower when she gets up I'm getting Clari to come out and do it! She's had one shower in the 5 weeks she's been here!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 22

Written by Fox.

DAY 22 - 29th August

Keri had her CPA this morning. She was getting very agitated beforehand and as soon as she walked into that room tensions were already in the air. Keri knew they'd already made a decision as they'd been talking between themselves for an hour before letting Keri in. 

As the doctor was talking she was getting more and more hacked off. It was fairly obvious how annoyed she was getting, especially as Sally was lingering. They decided Keri's section wasn't going to be lifted, didn't even come close to discussing a discharge plan and her dosage of antipsychotics have been put up. 

In the end, Keri left in a proper pissy. She stormed through the corridor to go to the garden. I've never seen her so angry, unfortunately Sally was spurring her on. One of the nurses called after her and said, "Keri, lunch is ready!" And all Keri did was shout back "I don't care!" and went into the garden. Her frantic pacing just got faster and faster as she sparked up cigarette after cigarette. This went on for about 20 minutes before her foster carer, her outreach worker and her personal advisor came outside to see her (they'd been part of the meeting). She carried on pacing for a minute before her foster carer said, "Are you not going to stop and say goodbye?" Keri replied with a blatant 'no'. Her coat was sat on one of the benches so she went straight over and grabbed it, put it on and stormed past them saying, "We're leaving."

Obviously her foster carer turned round and said it couldn't happen but Keri was already shooting up the corridor and told the nurse that she was going out with her foster carer. As Keri was looking at the nurse, the nurse was looking over at Keri's gathering of three and shaking her head. They weren't going to let her out. Keri stood by the desk near the door while they signed out and the nurse said, "Do you want to come round the other side? We can show you out the back door."

As her foster carer, personal advisor and outreach worker started making their way round the other side of the desk Keri just completely lost it. She kicked the desk before taking a few steps towards the door and repeatedly kicking it with all the force she had. The staff tried talking to her but Keri was in no mood to listen. She power walked through the ward and out into the women's garden, grabbed the bin and carried it across the garden to put up against the fence. Keri had hardly got it against the fence before several members of staff came running out into the garden. 

She managed to get up on top of the bin before they reached her which meant she had a good grip on the fence to climb over. Unfortunately by this point the staff also had good grip on both her ankles and legs. 

"Get the hell off of me!" she shouted at the staff.

"Keri, you're not safe to leave the hospital. I know you've just had a meeting and it obviously hasn't gone well. Come on down and we can have a chat," said one of the nurses.

"Fuck off the lot of you! I just need to get out of here! Get off my legs!" Keri shouted back at them.

"We can't do that, Keri," the nurses said, still holding tightly onto her legs. She was still trying to kick them away while she had a strong grip on the fence but she had two nurses on each leg. 

"I want to leave, I don't need to be here. I don't want their drugs. I don't need to be sectioned. I just want to go home!" Keri cried as she started thrashing her head against the fence.

Because Keri refused to get down and was thrashing her head against the fence they had to pull her down, with great difficulty! She was restrained by two of the staff and they sat her down on a bench between them. At first Keri resisted but she was hyperventilating and crying, so in the end she stopped fighting and just sat between them while they held her arms. Another nurse ran off to go and get her some PRN medication. The two nurses with her spent a long time chatting to Keri to try and calm her down. 

The nurse brought out triple the dose of Lorazepam she normally takes to calm down so I obviously don't need to explain the ins and outs of exactly how distressed she was! The nurses talked to her a lot, especially about Keri's foster parents. They asked her what she'd do if the situation was reversed and she had a daughter that was doing 'this' to herself. They also talked about how they noticed she lights up whenever her foster mum visits and that the love in the family was worth more than any other love. Keri started crying again and just said, "I don't understand how they can love me like their own daughter if I feel like my own parents didn't even love me. I care about my foster parents so much and I just want to go home."

"It's rare to get people like your foster parents, Keri. Deep down you must know that they're only doing this because they care about you too much to see you get hurt. If I had a daughter who wanted to take a power drill to her head then I'd do anything I could to keep her safe," one of the nurses said.

"But they won't let me home and there's nothing wrong with me! All they've done is put up my medication!" cried Keri. 

"That's why it's better for you here, especially because you had to restart your antidepressants. We can watch you 24 hours a day, that's our job. Your foster parents aren't able to do that. That's what you need right now, 24 hour observation and treatment. We can see you're trying to work with us so hopefully you'll get out soon. We don't want to send you out too early or you'll end up back here again. It's like having a broken leg. Once it's healed you can't start running on it, you need to take it slow and recover. At the moment your leg is still broken. That's why you're here and why we're here. We're not your enemies. We care about you and don't want to see you getting hurt."

By this point Keri had only smoked a couple of cigarettes and already the Lorazepam was taking effect. She walked back inside with staff who went and got Keri her sandwich. By the time she'd finished actually eating her sandwich for a change she was a walking zombie. She barely had the energy to walk and was totally out of it. She also had her evening Diazepam which has doped her up even more. Add her cocktail of evening medication and she's going to be in a drug-induced coma tonight! That's why I'm writing this blog post slightly earlier than usual.

She's definitely going to be out of it for a few days until her body gets used to the higher dosage of medication. She normally gets quite sedated, her eyes are droopy and glazed over, and following simple conversations is very difficult. After those few days she goes back to normal though. Hopefully once her body has got used to the dosage it will stop her pacing so much or at least have some effect. The doctor hopes that the higher dosage will help her realise that there isn't a bug in her head and that it is just a delusion. She's still in complete denial and has no insight into her condition; an unfortunate situation when it comes to psychosis.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 7

Written by Fox.

DAY 7 - 14th August

Wow. I prayed for a calm and non-disruptive day and instead the exact opposite happens. Keri was up at 4.30am and was pacing again. She couldn't sleep and by the time it hit around 9.30am she was extremely distressed; power-walking round the garden, punching her legs, punching her head. She was called in to have her medication in the clinic room but she said she didn't want it. She said "If it didn't work outside hospital I don't see how it's going to work inside it". She has a valid point. 

Because of the obvious amount of distress they added Lorazepam into her morning cocktail. 

She was rambling and talking extremely quickly, making it difficult to understand her, "I don't need the meds they don't do anything anyway and I don't know who to trust and I need to get this bug out of my head but none of you will give me a knife and I'm not allowed off the ward unescorted by staff. I've got to get out of here, I've got to get out of here, I've got to get out of here."

She'd already scratched her head so much that she'd made it bleed again and it had to be treated.

It took two members of staff to force her to sit down in the clinic room instead of pacing. She had the tablets in her hand but one nurse (let's call him Bill) was having to force her pot to her mouth to get the tablets in. It was extremely distressing but she had no choice but to take them.

Afterwards, she was allowed back out in the garden where she rapidly continued pacing and hyperventilating. Only 5 minutes had gone by since she'd had her medication. But this was long enough. She eventually resorted to grabbing the bin next to the door to the garden, carrying it to the opposite side of the garden and leaning it against the 8-foot wired gate. She doesn't have much muscle but the amount she was trying to use was unbelievable. 

Because of her distress, the staff had been watching her closely. After about a minute they noticed what she was doing and set off their alarms. Six members of staff ended up outside with her. Two on the outside of the unit on the other side of the fence and four on the inside. Two of them tried keeping hold of her ankles so she couldn't dig her heel into the fence to get any grip to climb up as she was still standing on top of the bin. 

They were very kind to her but she just couldn't understand why she wasn't allowed to go. After much persuading she still didn't get down and the bug was scratching so much she started thrashing her head against the fence. Bill ended up having to grab hold of both her legs to knock her balance over so she fell backwards off of the bin into the restraint of the three other staff there. 

Three of them took her to her room, although in between that time she managed to get out of their grip and shoot for the fire exit. You'd expect it to be accessible as it's a fire door wouldn't you? But it was locked. So they took her to her room and sat with her for a while and got a doctor to come and assess her medication. They did fuck all with it besides add her anti-depressants back on which were missed off when she was admitted, which probably explains why she's had more intense episodes of hysterical tears.

She had no visitors today, which is a good job too as with the state she was in she wouldn't have even been able to communicate with them. She's pretty calm now with all her medication, plus the two doses of Lorazepam she's been given which pretty much make her body go bleugh.

So, still sectioned, still psychotic, and as the days go on it's getting more and more difficult to understand what she's saying. The psych needs to change her anti-psychotics, or at least put her on a higher dose, just my opinion! With everything that's happened today I'm really hoping it means she'll sleep through sheer exhaustion! But again, the downside to her psychosis means she can't settle. She can't even sit still. It's heartbreaking to watch.

Experiences of Being Detained by Police

Being sectioned by the police is never a pleasant experience for anyone, especially those who have a trauma based disorder or have DID. Restraint that is usually used against burglars, rapists and criminals can also be used for mental health patients that the police need to detain for the person's safety or for other people's safety. It can be a harsh and unpleasant experience.

It can be hard for someone with DID to be restrained, especially if the officers have no idea what the disorder is. In my experience the officers have been quite reassuring if I've been 'me'. However, if my aggressive and homicidal alter is out, the police have no choice but to restrain her, often having to use several officers. The mental health professionals seem to be of the opinion that "someone has to do the dirty work". 

A section 136 of the Mental Health Act allows a police officer to detain someone who is an immediate danger to themselves and take them to a place of safety, such as a police cell or a psychiatric hospital - the latter being the preferred option. This can be for up to 72 hours. The police are responsible for the person until their care is turned over to the mental health professionals. The problem with police is they were originally designed to help against crime and aren't fully trained in mental health, especially DID. They don't know how to deal with it. Unfortunately I've been arrested many times for trespassing (railway lines), endangering others (e.g. if I jumped in front of a train and it had to stop suddenly) and on my most recent 136, I was also arrested for breach of the peace. Luckily, none of these ever went to court or had charges placed on me because at the time I was on a 136 and viewed as not having full mental capacity.

Below are some of the experiences from people that have had to be detained by the police.

My Latest Experience

Please note: some of my 136's haven't been too full on, depending on circumstances, and officers have been sympathetic. But there is a nasty side to things which I do think needs to be addressed. This post isn't to "slag off police officers" or say they're terrible at their jobs, so please don't take it that way. 

My most recent 136 experience was 13th July 2013. On 8th July, I knew I was going to dissociate into Clarissa (a promiscuous binge-eater). She gets very excited when she's going to come out so I had warning. This was in the evening. That was the last thing I remember. According to my carers I then switched again to Fox (Clarissa's mute twin brother). He remained out for 5 days. Then yesterday I switched again to Sally (my aggressive, violent alter). Sally took me to the Clifton Suspension Bridge to jump off of it but the security guards had been warned and the police were already on their way. I've been told that they tried calling her Keri which made her go absolutely apeshit. She refused to go with the officers when they arrived so they had to forcibly put her in the back of the van as one lane of traffic had had to be blocked off so they couldn't talk for long. Of course, she wasn't having any of that and jumped from the back seat across to the front seat and opened the police van door from the front. 

This is where I have 10 seconds of full memory when I switched to me for a very short time. Obviously, the police didn't know I was Keri and Sally had already got half way out the door, almost knocking over 2 cyclists. I was grabbed by one of the officers who proceeded to put his arm around my neck and carry me to the cage in the van. By this point both lanes of traffic were now blocked off. The first thing I remember the officer saying was "Right, no more fucking around. You had the easy way or the hard way so now we're doing this the hard way". Obviously, I had no memory of the last 6 days and to suddenly find myself being manhandled by police scared me shitless, so instinctively I tried my hardest to get out of his grip. The problem was, the more I tried scratching and kicking, the harder he held onto me. Having someone carry me with an arm around my neck and literally bundling me in the cage through a series of headlocks and two males using a lot of force is not something a trauma survivor should have to deal with. I switched back into Sally as soon as the sound of the cage door was slammed shut. Apparently she was violent, aggressive, uncooperative and very angry. At first the officers took her to the police station to be secured and searched while phone calls were made so they could transfer Sally to the 136 Suite at the nearest adult psychiatric hospital, the same hospital I've been admitted to as a patient twice.

I was me again after a period of time in the 136 Suite. I had no idea how I'd gotten there and knew it must've been Sally because of the flashback of being manhandled into the cage of a police van. The first thing I did was phone my carer, which is when I found out I'd been dissociated for 5 days. Luckily the assessment was arranged quite quickly and one of the people on the assessment panel was someone who I'd had a lot of contact with and was good at trying to understand Dissociative Identity Disorder. Without her there, I'm not sure I would've been discharged. The day after I was full of aches and pains from the force and amount of restraint used, especially when they get your arms behind your back and start bending your wrist to make you compliant (pointless to do to Sally as she's unaffected by pain). The ten seconds I remember have almost retraumatised me. I have NEVER been restrained in that way. This was all because of officers that had no concept of what DID was. Most other times officers are fully clued up and all information about my disorder is shared to all the officers involved. Unfortunately for me, these two officers didn't get that message and treated Sally like a violent and aggressive criminal instead of a mental health patient that needed help, not over-the-top and painful restraint.

Felt Like an Attention Seeker - Caroline H

I hated being detained. I couldn't deal with it so I disappeared and self injured. I was found by someone walking by who called an ambulance. I just wanted to be dead. My alters were being so mean. I refused to get in the ambulance and ended up hysterical. They called the police and they restrained me until I calmed down. They took me to a medical hospital under a 136 and they couldn't get an assessment for 10 hours. An officer had to sit there with me all that time. I felt like all eyes were on me and couldn't help but feel like the officer felt like he was babysitting me and wasting his time. I dissociated while in my cubicle into Samantha. She made advances on the police officer and I found myself restrained, not knowing why. The staff didn't seem to understand that I had no control of my switching and the officer almost pressed charges for sexual harassment. I got help though. I was sectioned and got a really good therapist who deals with DID all the time. I'm a lot better now and that is partly because of getting 136ed. 

Very Helpful - Suzanna H

I've heard a lot about people who have bad experiences and I'm sorry to those that do. For me, they've only been beneficial. I think it really does depend on the police officers. Some are open minded about mental illness whereas others don't have a clue. But isn't that what it's like in normal society? Yes, I was restrained, but it was done in a non-harmful way and looking back at the incident I know it had to be done. I'd like to add that there are a lot of people who have good experiences of being on a 136. Some have even managed to get extra help because of police involvement. I realise police can be a little over the top at times but sometimes it has to be done. Some people with mental illness can be very unpredictable, especially someone with uncontrolled DID. Police officers not only have to keep the person they've detained safe but also have to keep themselves safe too. 

I found that being 136ed actually got me extra help. Yes, I've had bad experiences, who hasn't? But mostly the officers that have to deal with me are understanding and sympathetic. Those that don't understand mental illness and go full on with restraint and control I think need to do some training! If anything I do pity them a little as they're dealing with a situation they aren't familiar with.

Totally Ignored - Anon.

I got 136ed after I suffered a psychotic episode. The police knew I had DID. They were called when I sat in a library. It was closing time and I was refusing to leave. I switched to a toddler alter and just cried. The staff working in the library tried to comfort my alter but it didn't work. He went with the police very peacefully when they got there but all of a sudden I switched again and an angry alter came out. He started attacking the officers and I was taken to a police station and dragged into a cell. I was left there for hours before an assessment could be arranged. I wasn't even allowed a blanket as they thought I'd try and suffocate myself with it. I was cold, hungry and scared. I was ignored until the point when two detention officers came to take me to a room where the assessment panel was. None of them knew about DID and just thought I'd been attention seeking. I was discharged and kept getting 136ed every other day for a week or so before my mental health team finally got back from their holidays. It was a horrible experience and it won't be one that'll be forgotten.

Twitter Comments

"I understand restraint if it is needed but I think it's used more often than it should be. What happened to just trying to talk to someone?" - Mel Y.

"I think the police do a good job in my area if you get put on a 136. I think they deal more with mental illness than they do actual crime!" - Sandy L.

"Screw the police. I hate them and think they suck. They've never helped me. They just don't give a shit!" - Anon.

"There's too much of a burden on police. I think mental health professionals leave the bad bit for the police to do. It's not fair on them." - Anon.

"Traumatising, distressing, degrading!" - Kirsty O.

"I think the police go in to heavy handed on s136 patients they are not criminals they are ill !!" - Lady T

Reply from Insp Michael B: "That's a big generalisation about 25,000 interventions a year ... I hear many stories that say otherwise?"

And also a quick thank you for those who retweeted and replied (at the time of this post being published): Julie W, Kirsty O, Wokstation, Insp Michael B and NYPOLFED.

So that's that, such a variation. Sometimes it's helpful, other times it can be traumatising. That's why we need to raise awareness so that people like us aren't viewed as attention-seeking or some other kind of negative label. 

People with DID (or any other mental illness for that matter) need help, not stigma or being treated like a criminal. If you're a police officer or mental health professional and you're reading this, try to understand. We don't mean to cause 'trouble' and we aren't attention seeking. In times of crisis all we need is someone to listen, help and understand.