Attitude Adjustment

Written by Fox.

We have had a good few months. We got assessed by the manager of Alder Unit along with the psychiatrist. I, personally, have not met the psychiatrist, though I knew the manager, but Keri knew both of them. Overall it was good, and Keri was very honest. We all agreed beforehand that things should be honest and open, even if it's something bad, otherwise we won't get the help and support we genuinely need. The manager said he was willing to give Keri a chance and decided he was going to come to Keri's CPA on Tuesday to decide what's going to happen. Everyone is expecting the transition stage of moving to happen very soon, like decided at the CPA. That's what everyone involved is expecting anyway. Reading Keri's reports, there doesn't seem to be much going on in the way of incidents. In fact, most of the incident forms that have been filled out involve me and not Keri! Everyone agrees that Keri staying here, along with us, is now doing more harm than good and is detrimental to our mental health. 

We no longer need this kind of security because, be amazed, we've gotten somewhere with Sally! Oh yes, what we used to class as the destructive demon teenager is now no longer so destructive. Therapy has finally helped us. For those that don't know, Keri has been working with her psychologist using a cognitive analytic model and a structural dissociation model, whatever the hell that means. Anyway, because of all Keri's hard work with her psychologist Sally is now willing to listen to what we have to say. Our attitude towards her has changed, we don't hate her because of what she does anymore, so her attitude towards us has changed too. Don't get me wrong, we are still having problems as she's never been able to build trust with anyone because as soon as someone meets her they get pushed away because she's so angry and violent. The only people that stuck by us is Keri's foster parents. Even Keri's mum is starting to understand a bit more than she used to. Keri will never leave Liz and Phil as she's adopted them as parents, much like I have, but her relationship with her biological mum has improved loads after they had a no contact agreement for six months. This is even after Sally went and tried to kill her. 

Our psychologist has stuck by us through thick and thin, no matter what's been thrown at her. Keri trusts her, I trust her, many of the others trust her. It's going to be hard changing psychologists when we all move but the one thing that needs to stay consistent is that Sally is listened to and respected. If that's the case then she has less reason to act out. She's not perfect, none of us are, but it'll be an even bigger breakthrough when Sally meets someone she trusts. That'll take a long long time but I'm feeling optimistic! Wish us luck for our meeting on Tuesday!

Sectioned in Hospital - 2 years 7 months

Written by Fox.

A lot has happened since September and most of it is good! Keri now has unescorted leave (despite it being repeatedly taken away and given back after a period of time). We have also had a tribunal and a discharge plan which I'll talk more about in a minute. The dissociating has been all over the place. I haven't been well lately as me, along with some of the other alters, have been helping sort out Sally so that she doesn't carry on being a homicidal psycho. I've been self harming. Even though I've been encouraging Keri not to! I've found that if I'm writing blog posts or diary entries (separate to Keri's stuff) then things aren't so bad and I can distract myself from my head when it's spinning around.

We had a tribunal at the beginning of December. There was three members of the panel, our solicitor, Keri's brother, a nurse from the ward and the psychiatrist (which Keri gets along well with now, whereas in the beginning she wouldn't even look him in the eye!). They had a chat to begin with before Keri, Jamie and the nurse went in. There was no need for anyone to get nervous really as they'd already made their decision by the time we walked into the conference room! Keri wanted to move on to a locked rehab unit rather than wait until her CPA in March for things to start moving. The panel consisted of a solicitor, a psychiatrist and a social worker. They all agreed Keri was ready to move and that things should start rolling now rather than waiting until March. It was the outcome that everybody was looking for. Afterwards, to celebrate, Keri went out on her unescorted leave with Jamie.

Despite it being a good outcome, things seemed to deteriorate quite quickly with regards to us coming out and the self harm that was happening at those times. Keri had quite a chat with her psychiatrist and her therapist (a new one she started seeing in September as the other went on maternity leave). She gets along well with her therapist and after all the conversations, it was decided that if Keri stayed until June and carried on therapy to try and understand the switching of us coming out then the psychiatrist would look at the open rehab at our last hospital, rather than spending a year in locked rehab before moving to open anyway. We had a meeting with Pathfinders (an agency in our last area who get involved when it's time for someone to move on somewhere else) and it was more officially decided. 

During Keri's CPA in March it was pretty much set in stone that we're all going to be moving back to the open rehab we had been in a couple of years ago at the previous hospital we were in. We weren't ready for it then with Sally being completely out of control but things seem to have calmed down a bit now on that front. As long as Keri continues therapy with her therapist then we can all go! In a couple of weeks we're being assessed again to go back to Alder Unit (the open rehab ward in our last hospital). It's quite reassuring for Keri as she knows both the psychiatrist and the ward manager who are coming. I'll be writing another blog post soon after we're assessed.

How is therapy going? Pretty good. Right now Keri is working with her therapist about understanding why we come out and why we do what we do. At first we were all dead set against Keri talking about this as we thought she wanted to get rid of us. Keri's therapist has been very reassuring though and has told us that it isn't the case we're being gotten rid of. That's not going to happen. They're just discussing why it happens. Some of the alters are still against Keri talking about us but there are several of us who understand it's not to be nasty or anything. It's just to try helping limit the negative behaviours when some of them come out, like with Sally and her homicidal thoughts. As long as none of my friends are threatened I don't mind Keri talking about us.

Managing Triggers

(C) GOT PARTS? BY ATW

Triggers are something that remind you of, or bring you back to, an emotional or psychic place of remembering something about the traumatic event(s) in your past.

Triggers vary greatly from person to person, and from alter to alter. A person (or part) may or may not be aware of what their triggers are, or why they are triggers. Triggers are specific to that person's/alter's experience. Something which is very triggering to one person or alter may not be a trigger to anyone else, perhaps not even to anyone else in one's own system. Triggers usually involve one or more of the five senses: sight, sound, taste, touch or smell.

One basic way to begin learning to manage triggers is to have each part make a list of what their triggers are, understanding this list may grow longer as the therapeutic process progresses. This is not because you're 'getting worse', but is because your bank of self-knowledge and self-awareness is growing. This is a good thing, because the more you know, the less chance you have of being blindsided by something on the future.

Each alter can share their list with others inside, and as co-consciousness and the level of trust between parts increases, you all can find ways of helping each other when one or more parts get triggered.

It will be important to share your lists of triggers with your therapist, who will have additional ideas on how to work to get them to a manageable level. However, please remember there is no magic answer, no quick fix to any of this. It comes down to doing hard and challenging work, seeing what works for others, and sometimes, plain old trial and error.

We are not isolated in the effects our triggers have. People around us, and those we are in some type of relationship with are also affected when we are triggered, or when we learn to deal with our triggers.

One system had this to say about triggers...

"People have different triggers. It would be helpful to discuss these things. Allow yourself some room to avoid certain triggers while working on becoming comfortable with a physical environment that has been involved in previous hurts. It's very possible to overcome these triggers with work and support. Believe in yourself!"

While some triggers may never totally go away, over time you can figure out what works, and so to get to a place where the effects of triggers don't have to be as devastating or disabling.

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 9 days

Written by Fox.

****** TRIGGER WARNING - Photos I took of Keri at the bottom again. Stop scrolling at the line of stars at the bottom of the post if you feel you may be triggered.

Keri has destroyed her face now all because of her being haunted by her daughter. The staff temporarily put in place that she couldn't have a lighter and had to go out on one to one while smoking but that still didn't stop her so now they've just given back her lighter. They know she'll do it even if they try putting things in place to stop her so it was pointless just restricting her more and more if things aren't helping. A lot of the staff do try doing one to ones at night though. On a couple of occasions Keri has dissociated into a trance and started rapidly writing all over the floor not realising what she was writing. The staff take a while trying to get Keri's attention as she's normally unresponsive until someone touches her but then she freaks out so I'm very glad the staff have gotten used to this and know to say who they are and where she is and give her some medication to keep her calm.

In her last ward round the psychiatrist has said that there's two locked units that he's going to refer Keri to. One is called Heatherwood Court (which is the preferable option for both Keri and the rest of her mental health team) and the other is St. Andrews. So it's a waiting game for a few more months again. Her psychiatrist also changed a lot of her medication in one session. He put her Diazepam back up to 30mg instead of continuing to wean off, he's put her straight onto 10mg of Olanzapine instead of Quetiapine, he's added another 50mg to her Sertraline dose... It's ridiculous. I'm wondering why Keri isn't in a coma half the time and why she still isn't sleeping! At about 11pm she was given 10mg Olanzapine, 10mg Diazepam, 2mg Lorazepam and 50mg Promethazine. Maybe I'm wrong but shouldn't Keri be asleep by now even though it's only been half an hour? They have given her a lot as she was crying and crying.. Staff even made her a nice hot chocolate. I can't emphasise how much they're really taking care of her. Plus she's still alive! Despite another ligature attempt.

She had a surprise visit from her old respite carers the other evening which was really nice for Keri. I haven't seen her laugh properly for weeks but they were really good at cheering her up. They've even offered to take her with them to their caravan once her mental health is better which Keri will love. 

I hope very much that Keri gets better soon. I know she's got a long way to go but at least getting her out of her depression and suicidality (including the stress-induced psychotic symptoms she gets). She's definitely not going to get any unescorted leave now it's decided she's going to a locked ward. Sally will take any chance to run.

And look at this! This arrived today for Keri. It was Jyestha's emergency care package that she sent. It's nine packets of timtams! Her brother might actually get to taste some on Saturday as Keri is pretty much fluid fasting, even though she just gave in to a cupcake her one to one brought in with a hot chocolate! Her body was craving sugar I think due to her crying.

At least we now know where Keri will be going and the waiting is the hard bit. The nurses are supportive and her bathroom is still locked and supervised. At least she's alive but at times it's just like she's a walking zombie. She spends most of her time lying or sitting on her bed. Her social life is limited as she's keeping herself withdrawn. Keep messaging her guys! Maybe it'll bring her out of her shell!

Will catch up with you soon guys!

**** Trigger Stars! Stop scrolling if you feel vulnerable. **************

This side is still swollen 😞

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 23 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 177 - 31st January, Friday

Oh dear. There's no chance of having a peaceful weekend. Keri had her CPA today and it's been decided that next week she's going to be admitted to Lime Unit again, the acute ward that she came from. Until then, she's staying on one to one. Hopefully the whole thing will maintain some safety. Unfortunately it hasn't fully sunk in with Keri yet, which is partly good as it means Sally hasn't really heard what the plan is yet. Everything is going to go terribly wrong now. Keri's panicking that something's going to happen, to the point she actually spent an hour throwing up. Her anxiety just came out of nowhere. Do the staff really think that Keri is going to be able to casually walk 50 yards across the car park to get to the unit without dissociating? That's if she doesn't dissociate before that. Sally is in no mood to be put on a locked ward. If they can actually get her on there then I don't think it's going to be long before she starts emerging during therapy. She's gotten used to the freedom too on this ward, much like Keri has. Being put on an acute ward for an indefinite period of time is going to force her into coming out. At least the rest of us might get a chance too as well if Sally starts letting off steam! Simon and the rest of huge staff have kept emphasising today about how it's only temporary and that her room will stay safe and the way it is until she's able to come back again with lower risk levels and after building up on some unescorted leave. Even so, Sally needs serious help before we can come back!

Keri tried interacting more with the staff as she wanted to stay as distracted as possible. She's trying to stick her head in the sand and pretend none of this is happening. She's spent most of the night unpacking things that Becki brought her today when she came in for the meeting. She's rearranged things, done her washing, cleaned, and also had another binge and vomit episode. Anything to keep herself trying not to think which is a hard thing to do when her mind is racing round and round like a formula one car! Now her focus is back to fasting again. Great. So now she's going to feel weaker again and it'll be hard getting her out of bed again. 

Me, David and Clari all want to go to Lime if it means we can come out for therapy too and even to do day to day things. Keri won't be happy with that as she'll feel out of control because of Sally. She's already annoyed because her Diazepam has been lowered by another 1mg. She wants to keep it to 9mg three times a day and not have anything fiddled about with until she gets back to the unit. She doesn't like the psychiatrist over there, Dr. Wilke. But she was told in her CPA that he seemed to really care and was happy to help out with the situation so Keri's opinion of him has slightly gone up a bit from "He's a dick" to "He's a bit of a dick". Baby steps!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 9 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 163 - 17th January, Friday

Keri really didn't want to get up today but was woken up by loud knocking from Clive telling her that her medication was ready. Keri forced herself up and hadn't realised that it was nearly midday which meant she needed to get herself sorted for her ward round, even though part of her was wondering what the point was going to be in going. It actually turned out a lot more constructive than she thought. She's still on one to one observation but she's been given back some escorted leave over the weekend. As long as there's no incidents then hopefully they can work on building up her unescorted leave. Her dose of Pantoprazole for her GERD has been changed from the morning to the evening to see if that helps Keri's worsening acid reflux situation. Her Diazepam has been dropped another 1mg. She was on 30mg a few weeks ago and now she's managed to get down to 28mg. The manager suggested working with him to form some kind of contract about boundaries and acceptable behaviour. Sally will do anything to sabotage that but Keri's spoken to us and she's happy to sign one, so am I, so is Clarissa and so is David. That's a start at least.

The staff have been trying to keep Keri's spirits up today and have been doing so quite well actually. In ward round she was asked to rate her mood between 1 and 10 (1 being I'm going to the bridge, 10 being life is great). Keri said 10. They actually believed her! Are these people fools? She's barely scraped herself onto a 2! At times her mood has fluctuated between 2 and 3 but is now rested on a 2 this evening. The problem is that Keri is very good at putting on false laughs and a smile. One of the staff decided to try and find humour in Keri's one to one observation and made a hat which was called 'The Bonnet of Observation'. It's for Keri's 'appointed stalker' (like she calls them) to wear as a novelty thing. Some of the staff aren't into it. Justin has refused to wear it tonight! Outrageous really. But it's better to find the laughs in it, otherwise you'd just cry.

Keri had her psychotherapy session with Fiona and Keri chatted a lot, it seemed like she'd never stop talking. I think the whole one to one thing is actually being beneficial to her as it's helping to encourage her to talk about her feelings and what's distressing her rather than hiding in her room, sneaking down for a cigarette while staff are in the office and then sneaking back upstairs again with no interaction with anyone. Fiona noted how Keri seemed a little more perky today but that's just Keri, her mood is so extremely changeable that it's crazy. One minute you'd think she was high on drugs, the next she'd be crying in the corner cuddling a teddy and not knowing why.

The highlight of today has got to be Keri's brother visiting. Jamie got the train to Bristol and walked to the hospital to visit her. Keri had managed to get her escorted leave sorted and went with Matt, who was well informed of her plan to take Jamie out to buy him his birthday present. She wanted to get him an iPad and a case. He didn't even realise it was for him until she was at the counter! Keri was quite sly and was getting his opinion on cases etc so she could buy what he wanted without him even realising that was why she was asking so many questions! He's absolutely amazed with his new gadget and is really grateful to Keri. She got a lot of hugs for that! When they got back from leave Keri sent Jamie upstairs as she had a slight blip getting very panicky while they were in the supermarket so she had some extra medication. She was seriously shaking. Even Jamie noticed when she got up to her room, her hand was all over the place while she was trying to drink her coke! Luckily the Lorazepam calmed her down and she helped Jamie set up his iPad. They managed a few games of Just Dance on Keri's Wii before he had to leave to go and get the train back to Taunton again. He's hoping to be able to visit weekly from now on. I really think this would be good for Keri. They're relationship has just gotten better and better since Keri finally realised he wasn't a demon!

She's feeling quite restless at the moment but hopefully she'll be able to sleep. She was almost on the verge of fainting at one point as her and Jamie were really getting into the dancing game. It was quite strenuous on Keri's poor little body when she hasn't had any food since Sunday! The staff aren't bothering trying to spend ages persuading Keri to eat. They're all well aware that she's fasting until Monday. She may have only been on this ward a short time but they've realised how strong willed she is, especially when it's in regards to food. Her plan is to eat on Monday and Tuesday evening, a four hour time slot where she can eat what she wants, then go back to fasting again. Whether she actually eats on Monday is another thing. She hates herself whenever she's weighed. Even if she's lost weight she still thinks 'I need to lose more'. The silver lining to this is that because she's not eating she hasn't self harmed. There's been times where she's felt like it but she hasn't actively done it. Well done Keri for that at least!

And to reveal... The Bonnet of Observation! Being worn by Keri's 'appointed stalker' at the time.

Four Commitments

There are four commitments you should make if you have DID to do whatever it takes to get better. No, they're not simple and it's very difficult. But perseverance, determination and patience do pay off. Some of these extracts were used from the book I have called 'Got Parts? An Insider's Guide to Managing Life Successfully with Dissociative Identity Disorder'. There is a link at the bottom of this post  for those of you who wish to order a copy.

First off it's not just you who has to make these commitments, it's also your alters that have to as well. This can be difficult if you have parts that are saboteurs, misguided protectors, or just plain uncooperative ones. If you can get them onboard through therapy (and sometimes medication alongside this) then you have a better chance. That doesn't mean that you have no chance if these parts choose not to cooperate, it'll just be a little harder.

There are 4 main commitments, but these aren't the total picture. This is the minimum you should try to do, if you can. Remember that if you set your mind to something, things can change.

1) Be honest - even when it's bloody hard!!

There's no time for game-playing. Energy is better invested in focusing on moving you all forward in the helping process, whether that means co-consciousness or re-integration (whatever your choice of an overall goal is). Be honest not only with yourself, but also with the other parts in your system, with your therapist, with any other caregivers and also friends or loved ones who are helping you through the process.

2) Do the work!

This may seem stupidly obvious, but if you don't do any 'homework' your therapist asks you to do, and don't work hard at the issues that come up along the way, successful, healthy, effective and long-lasting change is much less likely.

3) All parts internally need to be cooperative.

When you're part of a group, including a group of alter personalities, you may not always get your own way. Having a strong and successful system involves a lot of give and take. Always remind yourself of the larger goals of reintegration and healthy functioning in the internal and external world. It's important to learn to communicate honestly, work to set ego aside and consider and seek what is going to be in the best interests of the system overall.

4) Stand down and step aside.

There is no place for control freaks, loose cannons, saboteurs, queen bees or lone rangers within a system. Stepping aside is a very extreme challenge to any controlling, bullying, bossy, know-it-all, fearful or head-strong parts - or to ANY part whose speech, behaviours, attitudes etc are not in the overall best interests of the system-as-a-whole.

This is really just the MINIMUM. No one said it will be easy, but it's definitely not impossible. Stay strong my friends. :)

As promised, a link to the book I used as a partial reference: http://www.amazon.com/Insiders-Managing-Successfully-Dissociative-Identity/dp/1932690034/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1373097482&sr=8-1&keywords=Got+parts%3F