Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 26 days

Written by Fox.

Well, it's been a week since I was last able to write any kind of post. Internally and externally things have just been chaos. Sally is still homicidal, Trixie has now been conned by Sally and now thinks she's a completely separate person again so an overdose would be on the cards but thank you for giving Keri a sensible psychiatrist! Keri has been here for over a month and usually after a week of being transferred to a different ward she's able to have unescorted leave. This time it hasn't been the case on this ward as there's various factors that prevent it being safe for Keri to go out; Sally wants to murder people with no thought to the consequences, Trixie wants to overdose and Keri wants to drown us all out with vodka. Only in the last two days, Keri has self harmed ten times! She had less than two hours sleep last night and it's likely the same will happen again tonight.

Her eating? Don't go there. For a while Keri was buying food and throwing up, or she's just not bothering to eat. The dietician is concerned and I caught a glimpse of the first page of their observation folder (as far as I'm aware Keri didn't see it). They have a sheet specifically for recording Keri's fluid and food intake, and they know she's been making herself sick due to the fact they keep a close eye after she's finished eating and know when she's locked her door and disappeared into her bathroom. The dietician suggested to Keri that it might be best to have the staff lock her ensuite door every time she buys food. Keri was dead against this as she said she'd completely panic and not eat at all. She won't make herself sick in one of the public toilets and she told the dietician that who completely understood that it was a 'private affair'. What help is that?

She fasted for a few days and then binged today. She's planning another fast starting, well, at 7.15pm which is over 6 hours ago.

She was able to meet with her personal advisor yesterday who brought along the virtual school officer (she will pay for Keri to do any online course for qualifications, a couple of years ago she managed to get an A Level in Psychology!). At first I thought Keri was optimistic, then realised she was faking which meant Clari half came out. Keri was talking but Clari kept her tone of voice quite upbeat and got her laughing. Truth is, Keri's too depressed to care.

Her ward round today consisted of Keri getting more and more annoyed with the staff and her psychiatrist. What's the saying? The straw that breaks the camel's back? That might end up being tomorrow if her tribunal result ends up being that her section is to remain as it is, which is going to happen. Keri made it quite clear what she wanted and said straight out to everyone in the room "All I want is fucking discharge papers and a bottle of vodka". She's going to be called alcohol dependent at this rate!

Her psychotherapist made it to the ward round and spoke to the psychiatrist before and after Keri was in there. Her opinion is to remove any contact Keri has with her mother and her mother's boyfriend for 2 - 3 months and then review it. For me I think this is good. Keri may want to see her mum on a biological level but it's not good for Keri. She always seems to go a bit loopy after her mum leaves. Coincidence? Some people think it is. Most people don't. And Keri needs to concentrate on her therapy right now, even though her brain is telling her to tell everyone to 'fuck off'. She was excited a few days ago that someone finally sorted out some escorted home leave to her foster parents, but now there's no enthusiasm for anything! I do think that when she actually gets there she might feel differently (although I'm going to text our foster mum and get her to hide the knifes from the magnetic strip they have! Not because I think Sally will come out but if they're out of sight they're out of mind and me and David won't have to start fighting with her if she glimpses one. If they're in a drawer, not a problem).

Her antipsychotics and other medications better kick in properly soon or Keri's going to end up in a very deep hole, though I'm worried she is already. She can't openly discuss her feelings. She tells the staff she's fine all the time even though one member of staff here has commented on her change in mood and behaviour as he's worked nights the last couple of days (Jamie's actually got a crush on the guy!). Keri may think she's not giving them any leverage by not talking about anything but in reality her brain has gone haywire..

Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 19 days

Written by Fox.

Keri had barely said a word at all yesterday and was having a hell of a lot of crying episodes but still remembered to text her foster mum and say happy birthday (which I find great with Keri, no matter how terrible she feels she will always remember other people, although that can sometimes be her downfall). Instead of texting back, Keri's foster mum rang her. It's the most she had spoken all day! She even got to talk to one of her older foster brothers. There were a few fake laughs from Keri's end but there were some genuine smiles. Keri was really happy that her foster mum liked her present! It's the little things.

Keri had her ward round today which I think went well. Keri's Quetiapine dose has now been maxed out at 800mg per day. The doctor is going to speak to Alder to see if Keri's allowed back as the wait for specialist advice and assessment is going to take several months and the acute ward is making Keri extremely depressed. I'm just worried about Sally. We've been on this ward for a month. Just because Sally hasn't been able to get out and try killing Keri's parents does that mean everything's going to be all better and changed if she manages to get back onto the rehab ward? I don't think so. A nurse should also have phoned Keri's foster mum as Keri asked about home leave again. I'm doubting they bothered to phone her as I don't think they did last time. Or they might've done. I'm not sure. Me and David are missing bits because of trying to deal with Sally.

Speaking of her, she tried getting over the fence this evening and it was seriously raining. Sally has the strength to get over (whereas Keri needs a bin or something to help as she's a bit of a weakling due to no food etc etc) but if you've got no grip you've got no chance. This got Sally really annoyed but she was out long enough for me and David to pull her back in. I had wondered whether something was going to happen as she'd been suspiciously quiet. Keri doesn't know that Sally tried absconding but I think me or David will get around to telling her at some stage tonight. It's pointless removing the bin from the garden as Sally didn't even bother getting it. She just ran at the fence, jumped and grabbed the top of the fence. Maybe we should enter her for the Olympics! That would be cool. I wish someone was around to record these things on video. Sally would look like some kind of spider monkey.

Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 16 days

Written by Fox.

The day didn't go by a good start. Keri had less than three hours sleep and was up before 8am throwing up in her toilet due to her nightmares. After that she couldn't get herself back into bed again so grounded herself by standing in the rain, smoking and getting herself orientated back into the present e.g. where she was, what month it was etc.

One of her key workers came into her room and sat with her as she was concerned over the fact Keri was up so early as it's never a good sign. She gave Keri her morning medication, along with additional sedatives. She's also planning on doing a DBT group twice a week for half an hour. As she knew Keri had done DBT for a year she suggested Keri help her with the group. She's pretty up for that. She wants to show she's at least trying to do things rather than do what she wants aka hiding under her duvet forever.

She managed to go out on leave in the afternoon and got really annoyed with the nurse as whenever she takes Keri to the supermarket she goes and does her own shopping too! Keri gets freaked out by loads of people and doesn't like to linger unless with someone she trusts completely. In and out, that's it, not lingering waiting for her escort!

Keri's light of her day was when her foster mum and kid foster brother turned up to visit. Considering how low she'd been for most of the day and how out of it she'd been on her medications she was still able to chat and even laugh! Considering her foster brother is only 15 he seemed quite comfortable being on an adult psychiatric ward. I was surprised. It's been a long while since I last saw him. He's changed a lot! Last time Keri saw him I wasn't really around so it's been a while. Keri gave her foster mum her birthday present but forgot to put her Mother's Day card with it! Although I'm sure Keri will see them again soon. She's going to ask the consultant for home leave for the third ward round running this week, hopefully he will agree now that Keri is finally off ten minute observation! 

I'm glad they came to see her as it'd been such a depressing day! We couldn't cheer her up at all so it made the rest of us feel like crap as well. I like seeing them. They're my family too!

Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 15 days

Written by Fox.

The problem with Keri is that when she's highly medicated it relaxes her body so it's not obvious to people that she's feeling terrible or anxious, if this is the case she has a horrible habit of putting on a "I'm ok" face which the staff seem to be falling for. I think even when she saw Fiona that she fell for it although I can't be definite.

No doctor has reviewed Keri although the student doctors have been bugging Keri again. Again, they end up attracted to her like magnets because of her DID. 

Keri's mainly been sat alone listening to her music today and not doing much else. She did manage to get off the ward with staff for half an hour but it wasn't very relaxing. Keri put on 'her face' but was panicking when she looked around every corner. Unfortunately even though she's now on 600mg of Quetiapine a day it still hasn't gotten rid of her psychotic symptoms. Hopefully by the time the doctor gets it up to 800mg a day we'll start seeing some difference, although she still doesn't recognise what's reality and what's not so that might cause a bit of friction. The consultant is very good with her actually and never uses the words paranoid or psychotic or delusional so Keri does listen to him. As soon as any of those words come up she completely tunes people out and becomes plain uncooperative!

Sally's been pissed so if she doesn't abscond tonight then Keri's going to be in shit needing stitches. I think I'd prefer Sally absconding with the way Keri's physical health is at the moment. Losing more blood is going to end up getting Keri on a bloody IV drip (if they can convince her to go to a medical hospital).

Good thing; nothing bad has happened today so far. Not outwardly anyway so that's good. Plus she hasn't collapsed or fainted so that's a good thing too! She's also preoccupied with her little brother as he's got early signs of appendicitis. Apparently it's too early to operate so he's just been given a load of painkillers and has to go back to the hospital tomorrow. We're hoping that tomorrow they'll turn around and say they can do the surgery so he doesn't have to continue being in so much pain. We're all thinking of you Jamie, although Sally not so much!

Edit (12AM): Sally has gone unusually quiet. She's not even shouting and me and David for trying to keep her from coming out either. It's making us all very suspicious. Although maybe we can enjoy the peace while it lasts, which hopefully will be a while!

Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 2 weeks

Written by Fox.

On the good side of things, Keri is able to form full sentences and slept like a log because of her medication! On the downside she's severely depressed and suicidal and is desperate to get out of hospital. Her self harm has been obscene (as in the quantity of the self harm not the depth).

A nurse spoke to her while she went on leave to tesco and Keri said all she wanted to do was go back and live with her foster parents but knew it wasn't possible as she recognises that she needs 24 hour care. The nurse said that it was possible if Keri's foster parents were happy to have a nurse arranged to be with Keri while no one could be around to supervise. Obviously this isn't possible but it was nice for Keri to know that it was possible to get a nurse to live with you for 24 hour care outside of hospital. Though obviously it's still unlikely she'll be discharged for a while... 

Tomorrow Keri's going to demand her section be lifted. I think chaos may ensue. What's the phrase? Keep calm and carry on?

Edit (1AM): Keri almost had another fainting episode so the nurse had to do her physical observations. She hadn't eaten for three days but has eaten today. She's going to have to be reviewed by a doctor tomorrow as her blood pressure is too low, her breathing is quite fast and her pulse is 140! About the only things that were good were her temperature and oxygen levels!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 29 & 30

Written by Fox.

DAY 29 - 5th September

Wow, where do I even begin? Keri was up before 5.30am and pacing around the bloody garden again! I don't mind it when she's awake early but the pacing is ridiculous. I don't know where she gets the energy. I mean she does eat but most of the time it ends up with her throwing it up down the toilet. And when she actually gets food it's from Clarissa eating chocolate! Not exactly the healthiest lifestyle. Keri's personal diet is diet coke, coffee and cigarettes (plus vodka if she relapses into her binge drinking). Very nutritional eh? 

She perked up a little bit when a staff member came to her and asked whether Keri could charge their phone by plugging it into her laptop. She was quite chuffed to be trusted with a staff member's phone!

One of the patients who was admitted last week has had a very big impact on Keri. Lucinda (patient pseudo name) thought she was pregnant. Keri's instinct was no it wasn't true, but of course she didn't say this out loud. The outcome was that she wasn't pregnant but she made a big song and dane about it for most of the day before agreeing to the test. The problem was that Lucinda was talking a lot about pregnancy and everything associated with it which triggered Keri. Keri's been pregnant 4 times (although only 2 she knows about, the other 2 were taken on by 2 alter personalities so she has no idea they even happened). The first time she was pregnant she miscarried (I won't go into the other times as it's not fair on Keri for me to talk about that). She knew that it was going to be a girl (female instinct?) although of course she didn't care about the gender. Her child was due to be born the first week of September roughly and Keri mainly manages to hold it together each year. The first year she went off the handle and ended up in a secure unit by the end of the month. This year was going okay up until the point Lucinda was saying all of this stuff.

By late afternoon Keri was very distressed and crying so the staff gave her some Lorazepam. A member of staff took her and another patient on a walk around the grounds so that Keri could get off the ward and get some air. However near the end of the walk Keri spotted the group of guys following her and kept turning around and staring at them. The staff member stopped and noticed Keri's change in behaviour. He walked over so he was standing next to her while the other patient waited several feet away.

"Keri? What are you looking at?" he asked, looking a bit concerned.

"Those guys behind us," she replied, thinking that it was a stupid question to ask.

"Where?" he said, turning around to look where Keri was looking.

"Right there by the lamppost," she said.

"Can you really see people over there?" he said, turning back to Keri.

"Yes!" she said, getting panicky.

"Keri, there's no one there," he said, looking concerned again. "Do you trust me?"

"No," Keri blatantly replied. 

They carried on walking until they got back to the unit and Keri was left feeling quite paranoid, more so than usual. Although she doesn't think she's paranoid.

With no food in her stomach all day and a cocktail of medication you'd think Keri wouldn't even have the energy to pace, but she went at it for 4 hours! The only break she had was to go and get her night time medication at about 11pm. It was clear how distressed she was and she spoke to the staff, Cat (one of her key nurses) was working and Keri vented to her about things. After this it was back to her rigorously pacing the garden. By the time it got to midnight things hadn't improved so she was given another dose of Lorazepam. This worked a bit and she did start feeling a bit wobbly on her feet. She managed to get dressed into her pyjamas and then sit at her desk and draw what was on her mind. By about 1am her eyes had started going a bit blurry and unfocused so by the time it was 1.30am she was able to lie down in bed and fell asleep fairly quickly, even after the distress she'd had. I think being on a constant spiral of adrenalin all day had exhausted her and by the time her body actually let her lie down the exhaustion just hit her like a brick in the face. At least she got some proper sleep!

DAY 30 - 6th September

Today Keri hasn't been herself at all. Her teddy and bracelet are still locked in the back of her wardrobe but I intend to get them out and put them on her bedside table for when she wakes up tomorrow morning. She woke up quite late because of all the medication she had last night but when she did wake up she was in a horrible mood. She thinks she's got nothing left to lose, so refused her medication, paced around the garden, refused to speak to anyone and then spent an hour sitting on her bathroom floor in the dark before her psychotherapist arrived for their session today.

Because her psychotherapist didn't have a key to Keri's bedroom door, a staff member had to open it as Keri had it locked. That was when they found her crying on the floor of her bathroom. Her psychotherapist when she saw Keri was very quick to make sure that it was Keri who was crying on her bathroom floor and that she hadn't dissociated into someone else. Vex seemed to be of the opinion that it would be better to force Keri to get up, knowing she'd refused her medication in the morning. He tried to move her arms away from her face and tried to get her standing up instead of huddling in a ball. Why physically do that to a patient who's already clearly distressed? He offered to go and get her some Lorazepam but she refused to get involved with any pills. She thinks they're all placebos. Vex and her psychotherapist stayed with her for a while before Vex left and her psychotherapist grabbed a chair and sat next to Keri.

Keri just cried. She felt like she was being left in a cage. She hasn't had anyone visit her or been able to go home since Sunday and the triggers from yesterday were still really strong. She told her psychotherapist that she'd given up and that she didn't feel like she had anything to fight for anymore. After about an hour of Keri being on her bathroom floor, she got up and they went outside so Keri could smoke. Her psychotherapist sat with her for another half an hour, finally persuading her to take her medication. She offered for Keri's other personalities to take part in the appointments if they wanted to so they didn't feel so trapped so it's been decided that I get to have Keri's appointment on Monday. Brilliant for me as there's so much I need to talk about!

She's made a request to appeal against her section. She asked for written proof to keep which the staff gave her. I'm taking photos of all her paperwork and keeping them on her iPad, just to be safe. She's been known to go off on one and just tear everything up so those photos might end up being very important!

Besides that it's been pretty quiet. Keri's burned herself again though, which she also did last night. I can't believe the staff are letting her do this! Understandable that they think it's a coping technique but when it gets to the point she's got the whole of her left lower arm bandaged because of the amount of burns? That's just beyond ridiculous. It's really annoyed me! But oh well, trying to stay calm for Keri's sake. The nurses seem to be getting concerned about the frequency of it happening this evening and are getting the doctor to see her when they come in about 11.30pm. Maybe she'll have to be supervised smoking or whatever but they better do something!

I don't know how much longer she can take in this place before she has a massive kick off again. I really hope that her foster parents are able to get her home for some leave this weekend but i just got a message saying they'll see her on Monday? Doesn't look like home leave is happening! If that's the case then Keri is going to end up going completely off on one. Keri's feeling quite torn about whether her foster parents want her or not. Of course they do! But she's sunk into that level of depression where she thinks she's worthless, unloveable and a waste of space. :(

P.S. Here's the drawing she started on yesterday evening...

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 28

Written by Fox.

DAY 28 (4 weeks) - 4th September

Keri was up pretty early today as she didn't sleep too well. The fact she was going to be given another mental health act assessment today was really getting to her. She wanted to be up so that it might be possible to see the doctors in the morning as she was planning to go on home leave in the afternoon. Unfortunately, her foster mum was tied up and wasn't going to be able to get down to get Keri to take her for some home leave. Keri loves her foster parents to bits and got quite upset to begin with. She's feeling more and more like a caged animal. Her foster mum has got a 2 day training course tomorrow and Friday which means any hope of Keri seeing her foster family isn't going to be until the weekend! That was the main reason she was so upset. She even put her foster mum's teddy at the back of her wardrobe behind all the DVDs and took off her bracelet and threw it behind the DVDs to join the teddy. I tried to keep her calm but she just wouldn't stop crying. I know that it wasn't just all because she wasn't able to go home for a few hours, it's everything that's built up and it all just came out in tears. Her foster mum not being able to take her home was, what's the saying? The straw that broke the camel's back. 

Her mental health act assessment was late afternoon and she was seen by two doctors and an approved mental health professional (aka an AMHP) with Brian sitting in as one of the nurses. One of the doctors was Dr. Dickhead (Keri's nickname for him not mine!). He's the head consultant psychiatrist on the ward. As soon as Keri saw him she thought she'd be able to be discharged. Dr. Dickhead is well known for keeping people in hospital only as an emergency, ESPECIALLY when it comes to keeping people on a section. She thought she was on to a winner! The meeting started out by each of them introducing each other and then Dr. Dickhead started his spiel. I was listening very intently but Keri was barely concentrating. At some stage she'll find this blog post and realise what the hell he was saying!

"Right, Keri, do you know this is a mental health act assessment?" he asked. When Keri nodded he continued. "Well, you were admitted on a section 2 which was mainly for assessment and treatment if we thought you needed it. This assessment is basically to decide what's going to happen now that the 28 days is due to expire. There are four choices here. The first is for me to discharge you and continue treatment at home with your care coordinator and art therapist. The second is for me to discharge you on a Community Treatment Order which means you'll be discharged only if you follow certain conditions such as continuing your medication and going to appointments, if you don't stick to these then we can readmit you back into hospital on a section. The third option is that you stay voluntarily. The final option is that we transfer you to a section 3 which means we can treat you here for up to 6 months. We know already about your DID but this admission is mainly to determine whether we need to keep you here to treat you for a co-morbid psychotic illness. Did you understand all that?"

No, you idiot, of course she didn't. She hardly heard a word. The interview wasn't too long and Keri barely said much. I wouldn't say it even lasted 20 minutes and that was mainly Dr. Dickhead talking! Even so, once they'd finished they said they were going to discuss things for ten minutes and then one of them would come and tell her the outcome. After about 20 minutes the AMHP came in and told Keri that it had been decided that she was deemed as having a psychotic illness that needed to be treated and she was being placed on a section 3. She was still not going to be allowed any leave from the ward without being escorted by staff or a responsible adult (e.g. her outreach worker, her foster parents etc) that could keep an eye on her for any signs that she might do something dangerous like sticking a power drill to her head or running off to the suspension bridge, just a couple of many examples.

Keri was gutted about the outcome. She knows she's going to be here for a while as she isn't even allowed out alone yet. A staff member took her to the supermarket to get some chocolate (Clarissa was screaming for it) and when she got back the physiotherapist then turned up! So she was off to the gym to do her core stability exercises to sort out her joints and that kind of thing. By the time she was taken back to the ward she just wanted to cry her little heart out again. So she got in, hid under her desk and sat there for half an hour crying. She did feel a bit better because it let out a lot of frustration.

Thankfully she hasn't kicked off today. I think she knew deep down that she wouldn't be going home after what they'd said in her ward round yesterday. Sally has been unusually quiet which is normally a sign she's plotting something. Wait, normally? I mean ALWAYS!!! But for now things are calm. She's had all her medication, she's watching Alan Carr's Spexy Beast DVD which she bought today and overall trying to maintain her calm front. She doesn't want anyone to see how miserable she really is. It's unfortunately gotten to the point where Keri is now thinking, in no uncertain terms, "if I don't get this bug out of my head soon I'm just going to kill myself". I hope to god that no one accidentally leaves her unescorted for now. She's like a bubbling volcano of emotions. It's horrible to sit here and not be able to do anything about it.

I'm so glad I've got you guys being so supportive. The DID page is really helping me cope by knowing I'm helping others when I feel helpless in regards to Keri!

P.S Her care coordinator visited but I wasn't really around. All I know is Keri was getting seriously tetchy because her care coordinator kept trying to convince her that the bug in her head was a build up of stress, much like her art psychotherapist telling her the bug is 'metaphorical'...

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 27

Written by Fox.

DAY 27 - 3rd September

Well, we all knew it was coming. Keri's being transferred from a section 2 (28 days) to a section 3 (6 months). Two doctors are coming out to see her tomorrow for a 'second opinion' but this is only a mere formality. There was no discussion in her ward round (which didn't happen until nearly 5pm!) about a discharge plan and the doctors refuse to let her have any unescorted leave off the ward yet because of the danger she still poses. Even though her antipsychotic dose was put up last week it hasn't made any difference although it can take a couple of weeks to kick in. Maybe they'll end up changing it again next week in her next ward round. She had a long chat with a nurse afterwards and was given both Diazepam and Lorazepam. The nurse said as he gave it to her that it was a lot of medication to be having at one time but I think they were trying to avoid another massive kick off like Keri had last week. This has meant her evening has been quite relaxed. I even saw a glimpse of her sarcastic sense of humour coming out, and she even spoke and joked with some other patients which she hasn't done before!

She had physiotherapy again this afternoon but this time the physiotherapist took her to the gym. She was down there for an hour or two going through some exercises to help with her joints. She's also been give a weight to use to use for her wrist strengthening exercises. She was on the exercise bike for a little while before using the gym balls. Now that was hilarious! She kept falling off the ball, so did the physiotherapist for that matter!

She got back to the ward expecting to rest a little bit before her ward round but then an occupational therapist turned up at her bedroom door to say that the yoga sessions had started up again and the first session was going to start. She went down to the sports hall escorted by staff and did the yoga. She didn't find it very relaxing as she's quite tense. She went back to the ward with another patient unescorted! She desperately wanted to run away to get the bug out of her head but wanted to go through with her ward round as she was genuinely convinced she was going to be told she'd be allowed home or at least be able to go out alone. If Keri had known what the outcome in her ward round was going to be she would NOT have gone back. If she does yoga next week and the same scenario happens and a staff member isn't there to pick her up, she's going to be gone.

This evening has been pretty good as Keri's been drugged up to her eyeballs. Even though she's had a really hard day she's managed to make other patients smile and laugh. She wasn't happy but she hates seeing other people upset. One of the downfalls with Keri is that she's too nice! She puts everyone ahead of herself even if it means sacrificing something that means a lot to her. She hates people being upset, she hates people worrying, which is most of the reason why she doesn't like people caring about her. If people care about her it means that they worry about her and don't like seeing her upset; a role reversal she's not comfortable with. I don't even know if I explained that very well! 

But good night guys. Looks like we're going to be stuck in here for a while...

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 21

Written by Fox.

DAY 21 - 28th August

Tensions have been rising and rising all day. Keri woke up in a very bad mood and over the course of the day has just been getting more and more pent up. She's been swearing and cussing, even at some of the staff. She's been getting frustrated and overall she's not been doing great today. She's clocked over 10 miles pacing round and round the garden today (her iPod has an automatic pedometer). It's getting ridiculous.

It's been 3 days in a row that Keri has burnt herself now. She hasn't told the staff about the one she's done today because honestly it's their fault. She tried 4 times to ask to talk to someone about the hallucinated guys that were shouting at her through the fence. There was never anyone around. And when there was, other patients were pushed ahead because they don't want to hang around. It took Keri three hours to get her sandwich from lunch. The queue was too long and she got stressed out and just said screw this and walked off. 

When she tried to find staff to talk to it was getting harder and harder for her not to get angry. By the time it got to the third time of waiting at the desk for 10 minutes to wait for a member of staff that never showed up she just shouted "fuck this shit!" and went storming back to the room. The fourth time she actually ended up punching the desk. It wasn't even late afternoon yet! By the time handover happened and she found out her key nurse was working she'd gone way past wanting to talk to anyone. 

I'm worried about Keri's anger. She doesn't normally get like this unless Sally's slowly easing herself out until she goes bang. Maybe I'm worrying about nothing and it's just Keri being frustrated. Or it could be a combination of both. She's been sectioned for over 3 weeks now and has been very agitated knowing she's got a CPA tomorrow morning that may not go the way she wants it to.

We reached 500 supporters for our DID page today! And also got our first video up on our YouTube channel! Things are kicking off big time in a good way when it comes to that. Keri will be thrilled when she starts using the Internet again and finds all this has happened! You guys are just so amazing, especially at the moment with all the supportive messages. We couldn't do it without you so a big thanks to all our brilliant supporters!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 17 & 18

.Written by Fox.

DAY 17 - 24th August

Now that was a seriously bad night. Keri didn't get to sleep until at least 5am as she was up all night having visions of her foster family being hurt and killed. In fact it was so real to her that Brian (pseudo name for one of the nurses) gave her some Lorazepam so she was calmer and promised to handover to the morning staff that they would contact Keri's foster mum to make sure she was okay. Keri eventually settled down but was very anxious during the day. She asked the nurses several times about whether anyone had called her foster mum and none of them knew what she was talking about. Their handover sucks! 

Thankfully her foster mum visited in the evening and Keri was reassured that her foster mum was safe, along with everyone else. They even left the hospital and nipped over the road to the supermarket. Keri needed to buy some stuff but the longer they were out the more she was getting agitated. Her paranoia gradually got worse, the bug she thinks is in her head started scratching more, she thought everyone in the supermarket was following her. She saw it in "their beady little eyes". To the outside she probably looked just a bit agitated but on the inside she was going wild. 

Clarissa decided to try and help Keri late in the evening. She'd bought Clarissa some bows and Liz bought her some clips so Clarissa decided to repay the debt for the gifts. Unfortunately this gift came in the form of a very strong joint in the garden after Keri had had her night time medication. Keri found herself sitting on her floor in the ensuite shower/toilet. She knew Clarissa had smoked weed again as she could smell it and feel the effects of it as well. Keri was going to have to wait another half an hour before being able to get her washing out of the dryer. All she wanted to do was lie down and watch the ceiling swirl into different shapes. She fell asleep and didn't get her washing until gone midnight; stumbling along the corridor and going as quickly as she could so that she didn't run into any staff. Luckily the laundry room was unlocked and is only several metres along the corridor from her room. 

After getting her washing she spent nearly an hour trying to get undressed and sorted for bed because her coordination was all over the place. When she did finally collapse into bed that was it and she was totally unconscious, almost like she'd had a litre of vodka thrown down her throat.

DAY 18 - 25th August

Keri was pretty much dead until gone 11.30am, and she only got up because the cleaners were knocking at the door needing to come in and do her room. After getting dressed she sat and waited for her little brother and foster mum to arrive as they were due to visit at 12pm. They never arrived. I didn't even realise that her little brother had messaged me about it until I came out and checked my messages at about 2pm. I wish I'd checked before. It was a message to say that he wouldn't be able to come as the train ticket turned out to be more expensive than he'd thought and he didn't have the money. Poor Keri had been waiting around for 2 hours and I feel so guilty. Remind me to check my messages more! Keri is still not using the Internet or her phone so the only way she can know anything is if her foster mum or someone visits her or if I pass something on from Facebook or whatever. 

Keri was very upset that they weren't able to visit. She decided to talk to staff and she also talked about a patient (let's call her Alison) that was getting to her. This kind of patient is very dramatic, attention-seeking and brags about things that shouldn't be bragged about, showing off self harm wounds like a trophy. Keri's got it rough already, surely she doesn't need any of that as well? It's ridiculous. Unfortunately Clarissa gets along very well with Alison and this is a downfall for Keri. The staff have been very good about all this and Keri was able to talk to her key nurse on shift very openly about her alters. He seemed to understand the complicated situation and Keri was very appreciative. Her urge to self harm (on a scale out of 10) had been a 6, but she told her key nurse that in the recent 10 minutes while smoking it had gone up to an 8. He urged Keri to speak to staff if the urge got any higher.

It's now quite late. Night medication has been taken and still Keri is revved up, having visions again and hallucinating. There's no money missing from Keri's purse and I've searched the room myself for any form of drugs. There is none as far as I can see. I hope this means that Clarissa won't come out to play for a bit. It's okay with me coming out as I just write online or do something rare like go and make Keri a nice cappuccino if she's feeling miserable. I don't do drugs, try and escape from the hospital or hurt Keri in any way. I sure hope she starts getting better soon. Some of the patients here make Keri worse and not better. But, that being said, at least she can't drill a hole through her skull. She's in an environment of enforced forced physical safety in some respects. Silver linings.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 1 & 2

Written by Fox.

DAY 1 - 8th August

Keri was sectioned after being assessed at home at 2am Wednesday morning. By the time it was 3am they'd already got her to the hospital using their escorted transport crap. Bearing in mind these doctors and social worker arrived at 1.30am, Keri was in her pyjamas. She wasn't even given the chance to get dressed. She had time to grab her iPod and cigarettes but that was it as the transport team were in a hurry to go.

On arrival, she was shown where her room was and then paced round and round the garden for a couple of hours as she was so agitated. A doctor saw her at about 5.30am, by which point she was still pacing round the garden. As Keri had already had all her night time medication, the doctor decided to give her some Lorazepam on the condition that Keri go to her room and try to sleep. Keri agreed and managed to get a couple of hours sleep before pacing around the garden again at 7.30am.

Most of the day involved her pacing around the garden constantly. She found it depressing that the nurses there treated her like an old friend (she was admitted in Nov - Dec 2012 and Jan - March 2013, both were voluntary). In some ways though she also felt comforted to know there were staff there that knew her and knew how to handle her. In addition to her usual meds she was also given some more Lorazepam later in the day while a doctor did all her obs which showed how anxious she was (pulse, blood pressure, ECG, temperature, resps etc). She was told that she was going to see the psychiatrist that morning as he is now the one who is responsible for discharging her. She never got to see him. 

Keri was getting more and more stressed out because she felt the insect scratching inside her brain again and needed to get it out. She started scratching at the skin on her wrist to make herself feel better. The problem is, she has long fingernails and it caused quite a bit of damage. What I found ridiculous is that a nurse (let's call her Cat) came into her room and saw what she was doing. At first she asked Keri to stop but Keri was feeling compelled to carry on which meant Cat had to hold both her wrists to stop her doing it. In the end, she let go and Keri started scratching again, by this point she was drawing blood.

Do you know what Cat did? She got up from beside Keri and said, "Right, I'm going to leave you to it for now as I'm not sitting here watching you do that." She actually walked out the room and let Keri carry on doing it! I found this outrageous! Cat later came back to check on Keri and brought with her Keri's 2nd dose of medication, more Diazepam. It was the midday dose but Cat decided to give it to her early. After this she was taken to the clinic room and Cat bandaged up Keri's wrist to see if it would stop her scratching at it. It worked. Her compulsion to keep digging her nails deeper and deeper calmed down and she continued with pacing round and round the garden.

Her foster mum visited early afternoon so she could finally get changed out of her pyjamas! Keri didn't think she was going to turn up. There are a lot of doubts in her mind at the moment as she still can't see the logic of her being sectioned in the first place. Even so, she told her foster mum that she didn't hate them (too strong a word) but she did slightly dislike them for wanting Keri to have a mental health act assessment. So she had clothes and toiletries! And cigarettes most importantly! She was really pleased to be able to sit down with her foster mum and chat on the garden. It was one of those moments where there was some comfort and things didn't go wrong again until afterwards, cabin fever I think!

 

The next time something went wrong was when she started hallucinating. Before being admitted she kept saying there were people outside the house. It was real to her but of course no one else could see them. She saw them outside her bedroom window in the hospital, banging at the glass and shouting at her. She ended up hiding on top of her wardrobe to stay safe. The staff were concerned and four of them came into her room when they found her on top of the wardrobe. By this point Keri had broken down into tears and was very upset. She still didn't understand why she was admitted and was desperate to be discharged. She was also crying over the fact her foster carers were going to be on holiday so she wouldn't have anywhere to go if she was discharged anyway. The staff sat with her for a while after some persuasion getting her down from the wardrobe.

Her day got even worse when Sally started trying to concoct escape plans. Luckily she didn't go through with them. Not yet anyway. She was given the same cocktail of medication and slept a bit better after working up a sleep debt. Even so she struggled to stay asleep for long. I've no idea how she is so wide awake with all the medication she's taking!

That night she slept a little better as they gave her extra Lorazepam again along with her Diazepam, Quetiapine, Mirtazapine and Zopiclone; even though she was up and dressed by about 4am!

DAY 2 - 9th August

Wow. Four visitors in one day! Keri's exhausted! First her foster mum visited with everything that wasn't the essentials, including what I asked for which was the iPad and Internet so I could update you guys! I don't want to abandon the page with so many supporters! She kindly bought Keri's laptop, a couple of things to put on her wall and, of course, her foster mum's special teddy. Keri was thrilled with this as it is basically her foster mum's way of saying "Keri, we're here for you no matter where you are and you've always got a home to come back to". Lovely isn't it? :) Unfortunately her plugs got taken away to be tested so the iPad is low on battery and so is her iPod! She's not happy! The nurses said it'll be done within 24 hours, way too long. 

The outreach worker from the fostering agency also visited about an hour or two after Keri's foster mum left, bringing Keri a strawberry milkshake from McDonald's! The best in the world according to Keri and her foster dad! She stayed for a couple of hours before disappearing off and promising to visit next week as Keri's foster parents are going on holiday to Turkey on Tuesday! 

Then, much to Keri's surprise when she heard the news from her foster mum that afternoon, her respite carers were coming to visit. These were the couple that Keri really bonded with and she was their first ever foster child. That's if you can call her a child as really she's a foster adult! But they also came bearing gifts for Keri; diet coke, sweets requested by Clarissa (my twin sister), iced coffee and for some reason a potted plant! Keri can hardly keep a goldfish alive let alone a plant. I reckon it'll be dead in a week! Because they knew Keri's foster parents were going on holiday they promised to come and visit during the week. The gratitude Keri felt about this was beyond words. She really likes those carers and is glad their relationship hasn't disappeared even at the point she's been sectioned.

She's just taken her final dose of medication and is still revved up but will hopefully calm down when they kick in. For the first time today, even though she's still psychotic, I heard her laugh several times. It was like music to my ears and it even made me feel happy to know there's so many people around her the love her, care for her and support her even in the dark times.

She was also given a leaflet today explaining her rights about being detained, about the fact she has to comply with any treatment and the expiry date of her section (unless of course the psychiatrist decides to put her on a section 3). Ridiculous as this should have been done on admission! She was told today that she wouldn't be seeing the psychiatrist in charge of her care until Tuesday as that's the day of her ward round. Bit crappy considering she came in early Wednesday morning! When she was voluntary she was seen the same day or the day after, no matter what day her ward round, yet because she's sectioned it seems to me that people think "Well, she can't legally leave for 28 days so we don't have to rush anything". So annoying! And it also got Keri quite down. She's feeling quite depressed now and very agitated, I want to see her smile tonight, even if it's only a small one!

So that's the first 2 days. The only dissociation that's been happening is me popping out secretly in Keri's bedroom! Although Keri has written on her whiteboard the three alters who are most likely to come out during her stay (me, Clarissa and Sally) and written some of our personality traits and also the signs to look out for to recognise us individually. Some of the nurses, especially Keri's favourite nurse (let's call her Lissy), are quite clued up when it comes to Keri dissociating and have met Sally and Clarissa quite openly, and also they've met me as I'm the one who normally attends any of her formal meetings.

Wow, a longer post than I'd hoped! But I hope you guys found it helpful. Let me know if I'm being too long-winded about the ins and outs of everything. Sometimes they'll be short posts, other times longer, depending on what's happened. There's a lot of complications when you combine D.I.D with psychosis!

Love to you guys!

Fox.