Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 3 days

Written by Fox.

Keri had yet another sleep deprived night and only fell asleep properly around 11am this morning which meant she was in no condition to get out of bed to do her physio for her ankle today. She's seeing Keri every day anyway so she'll be back tomorrow morning.

Keri's managed to go out a couple if times with one of her most trusted staff again which has been nice getting Keri off the ward. He managed to lighten Keri's mood a little bit temporarily which I'm quite glad of. She's definitely built some upper arm muscle! She's finding being on crutches a lot less tiring than it was a week ago.

There's been a lot of people talking to Keri today about how she views herself. When asked about why she burned her face and her replying that if she's a monster on the inside then she should look like one on the outside, the staff have all said to her that she's not a horrible human being and not even close to being some kind of monster. Unsurprisingly this hasn't changed Keri's view of herself. She's now back to starving herself, vomiting, and ruining her face with more cigarette burns. It's a good job that the night shift staff are so supportive (and the day staff of course), especially when it means Keri needs to be on one to one obs for a while if she gets very distressed and scared.

Turns out the people working tonight are people that know Keri is having a terrible time. She's on one to one at the moment in her room with a member of staff to see if they can make sure that she doesn't burn her face again, unfortunately those thoughts are very strong in her head. I'm highly doubtful that by tomorrow morning Keri won't have additional burns on her face.

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 25 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 179 - 2nd February, Sunday

Sally has spent most of her day being bugged by David to compromise so that Keri can get to Lime Unit without any hassle. It worked for part of the day but by the time it was the evening Keri was really struggling as Sally had suddenly turned on her and was shouting. She huddled on her bed clutching her head with more episodes of Friends passing by without her actually taking any of it in. Matt nipped into her room and noticed how bad she was getting which I was reassured by as I couldn't do anything! It's more helpful having external people being able to help, especially with one to one observation (it doesn't give Sally an hour head start to run off). 

I wasn't actually going to do a blog post today but it's now gone 3.30am with Keri not even grasping the concept of what people call 'sleep'. She's had all her medication but she can't even lie down. She's spent the night trying to pack but every time she starts packing Sally starts shouting even more. After a few minutes Keri gives up and has to take a break until the next time she can feel that she can deal with a few more minutes of Sally getting worse. I don't blame her for crying in her room while all this arguing and noise is going on. Even I'm getting a headache!

She's really depressed about having to go to Lime Unit but it's what's best for her, plus me, Clari and David don't mind going if it means it'll help Sally. Jimmy doesn't really mind as he's only 4. The only problem will be Sally. Although she's quite a manipulative person. Knowing our luck we'll be on our toes every day, she won't do anything, after a few weeks we get back and then she starts the same cycle again. I think there'll be a point when Sally finally snaps in no therapy session though. If she's going to be back on Lime then she'll be a time bomb waiting to come out, and she really hates our psychotherapist...

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 22 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 176 - 30th January, Thursday

Keri planned on getting up early and actually woke up at 11am, fifteen minutes before her alarm was due to go off. Did she get up? No, she rolled over and decided to go straight back to sleep. She didn't get up until about 1pm. She's completely exhausted! You can tell just by looking at her eyes that even though she's sleeping it isn't refreshing or restful. She'd really like to get back to going to sleep before midnight, getting up early, exercising for a couple of hours, showering and then being ready for the day. Matt went through the blog today and I was hanging around and listening and he mentioned that I should try writing my blog posts earlier so it's about 11.15pm now. Ade asked Keri whether she'd been able to get me to write it earlier and she said she hadn't. She spent ten minutes in her room trying to talk me out! I'll come and do it when I want to! But I have come out earlier, but none of us come out if someone starts clicking their fingers!

Becki visited today with Rob who's a new personal advisor and is shadowing Becki at the moment. Keri said she didn't mind that he could come along today. People need to learn don't they? And he definitely learned a lot from meeting Keri I'm sure! She's... a very interesting person. I don't know of any other way to describe her. Intelligent? Funny? Strong willed? Compassionate? Not fat!? All of the above? Although try telling her that and she will totally blank out the good bits. Becki basically had a chat with Keri about what was happening over the last week, occasionally stopping to fill Rob in on bits he didn't know about. She'll be coming tomorrow as well for Keri's CPA meeting, hopefully with some of Keri's stuff from storage. I don't know how she fits all her stuff in her room. It's like Mary Poppins.

Less than fifteen minutes after Becki and Rob had left, Keri's mum and John arrived to come and visit. They came with cigarettes (which Keri gave them the money for when they got here, she doesn't have leave to get them herself, she's still on one to one and confined to the ward) and some coffee pods for her coffee machine. Good old mochas. They're my favourite coffee! They had a chat, John enjoyed watching a bit of Friends as Fi has given Keri the box set of all the episodes to borrow. Overall it seemed to be a good visit but for some reason Keri was feeling really guilty afterwards and she couldn't figure out what she was feeling guilty for. She also didn't realise why she was feeling upset, or why she wanted to cry. Her mum or John didn't say anything wrong or triggering. Maybe it's still the underlying thing between Keri and her mum. Keri still hasn't forgiven her fully for making her out to be a liar for a couple of years. That triggered off a lot of Keri's more serious symptoms.

Keri spoke to the staff a bit this evening as she's still on one to one which means someone is always there. While Gemma was Keri's "appointed stalker" she spoke to Keri outside and said she wanted to be honest and give Keri warning that even though they'd sorted out the plan for dealing with Sally if they could, there is still a chance people will want Keri moved to a secure hospital because of the amount they're having to keep Keri on one to one observation, they don't have the resources. The silver lining is, IF Keri had to move then as long as there's a vacancy here she'd be able to come back again if risks were lower and things had started settling down. We'll find out the outcome tomorrow. If Keri starts getting too tetchy then I may have to come out for a bit to make sure Keri keeps calm. 

With Keri and Sally still fighting each other, her CPA could end one of two ways. Keri coming out fairly happy with the outcome, or Keri completely losing it, bursting into tears and Sally getting really tetchy. Let's hope for the first one shall we?

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 3 weeks

Written by Fox.

DAY 175 - 29th September, Wednesday

Nana (one of the student nurses on a placement with Fi) managed to actually get Keri up before midday. She definitely showed perseverance and it paid off. Keri was still on one to one so while she went outside to smoke she told Nana that she'd make a brilliant nurse because of her stubbornness! A person who can get Keri out of bed is someone who's definitely hard working! Some staff don't have the energy to even bother trying!

Keri's foster parents visited today and Keri really enjoyed their company. Keri made them some coffee from her machine and they had a long chat, catching up on things going on at home but mainly about what she was going to do about trying to stay out of a secure hospital. It left Keri thinking about it for a long while after her foster parents left. And she swore at herself as she wanted to give Liz her teddy bear back (a little teddy she got from her children saying World's Best Mum on it). Not because she wanted to throw away that special part she's got of her foster mum's but because she doesn't know where she'll move or if she'll stay on the ward and she doesn't want the poor bear getting lost on his travels.

Overall, besides still being confined to the ward on one to one obs, she's actually been in a fairly stable mood. This is partially to do with the fact she had her physical obs done today and has lost more weight. Keri felt like she'd ballooned in size, put on weight, and overall screwed herself up because of her bingeing and vomiting episodes but it turns out she hasn't gained any weight, quite the opposite! To be quite honest, no matter what weight she is, the day she knows she's going to be weighed she always feels like a badly inflated balloon and dreading the moment the scales beep and show her her weight. Because she'd lost weight she decided to treat herself to a small portion of the lasagne without throwing it up afterwards. Then later Fi kindly went out to go and get Keri her binge food which Keri then threw up. She's now fasting again with her motivation going well as she's feeling empty and loving the feeling.

Unfortunately it still doesn't stop the fight between Keri and Sally. Keri's rated her mood today about an average of 3/10, slipping down to about 2.5/10 tonight. She's hallucinating (visual and auditory) again but doesn't realise it, which is never a good thing as sometimes command hallucinations get Keri really worked up and she feels compelled to do what they say (not all the time obviously otherwise someone would've been murdered by now!).

Becki, Keri's mum and John are coming to visit Keri tomorrow. Hopefully Becki has managed to get Keri's stuff from social services storage. Keri's had no reply from her email so is hoping Becki won't turn up with none of her stuff. Becki has lost her mobile phone so email is the only way to contact her at the moment. Keri's mum and John will probably just chat on the ward for a bit with some coffee. Keri will be sending her mum to the supermarket to get her some cigarettes! They can't bring little Amos and take him for a walk as Keri has no leave, plus it would be unfair if he was having to sit in the back of a car for hours.

Keri's mood seems to be dipping again, although Ade has been talking to her while on one to one and he's normally pretty good at trying to distract her. Let's just hope she has some sleep tonight and doesn't wake up feeling even worse in the morning!

So here's the copy of the plan Keri and Gemma drew up if Sally were to come out again so that staff won't have to chase her without success and not even be able to get her by driving around in the ward car! I don't know where the bit about Keri's foster parents comes into it but that doesn't normally have an effect on Sally coming out so I think Keri will talk to the staff about that. Sure, she feels down if she hasn't seen them for weeks but it doesn't trigger off more dissociating!

Sectioned in Hospital - DAY 173 & 174

Written by Fox.

DAY 173 & 174 - 27th & 28th January, Monday & Tuesday 

Like I said at the end of my last post, Sally had started threatening Keri and told her she couldn't have any appointments and wasn't allowed to take any of her medication, so yesterday that's exactly what happened. Keri missed her psychotherapy session with Fiona and also didn't take any of her medication. Even after only missing two doses you could see the anxiety difference. Keri kept rapidly pacing round and round the garden. The staff kept a close eye on her as she'd explained why she wasn't taking any medication and didn't have her appointment with Fiona. They tried to keep her distracted with games, movies etc but nothing seemed to be helping.

Eventually, by about 8pm, her key nurse, Emma, persuaded Keri to take some of her medication, especially the Diazepam. She promised that if Keri dissociated and Sally was to come out then she'd make sure she was kept safe and on the ward and that the staff would deal with it if that scenario were to happen. Emma even said it might be good that Sally comes out as they might be able to talk to her. Obviously, the staff working at the time hadn't met her before...

After taking her morning doses of medication she'd missed we all immediately felt Sally's anger about it. I'll use the phrase Keri uses which is she knew "shit was about to go down". Emma invited her to the staff office to sit with the staff as it was obvious Keri's anxiety had gotten worse after taking the tablets. With the staff unable to distract Keri they hoped that being sat in the office with all the staff would be helpful. It was almost like she was on 4 to 1 observation!

After maybe 20 minutes Sally completely exploded and kicked off while still in the staff office. She walked straight out the door and went for the front entrance. Andy tried to stop her from leaving but Sally shouted and swore at him. Her aggressive demeanor and anger made him back off for a second. I think he was surprised at how different her and Keri were. Their alarms were all set off but that split second Sally managed to grab was enough to be able to open the first door out into the ward entrance. From there all she had to do was press a switch on the wall, open the last door and that was it. Emma realised it was Sally and tried calling her but Sally just turned her head around, screamed "Fuck off!" and then sprinted off; described by a member of staff as a 'bolt of lightning'. She was way too fast for any of the staff to be able to catch her, even though two of the males legged it after her and tried, so instead some staff got into the ward car and drove around for a bit trying to find her. Sally's not stupid, she went off road. She managed to find a bus to take her up near the suspension bridge. This wasn't planned as Sally hadn't expected to have to come out as Keri had been doing as she was told. She let Keri out up by the observatory again.

When Keri found herself standing in the dark, with a cigarette in her hand, completely dead on her feet and exhausted, the only thing that got her walking was knowing the suspension bridge was there. Her muscles were completely seized up and fatigued and part of her knew there was no chance of getting over the fence but she wasn't going to miss the opportunity. She forced herself on to the bridge, but as she reached the middle and tried getting over the fence she couldn't even pull herself up enough to get her feet off the ground. 

Security arrived and one of them held her arm, immediately noticing how unsteady and wobbly she was.

"Have you taken anything you shouldn't have tonight or had any alcohol?" he said. 

Keri shook her head. Even though she said she hadn't, he knew about her DID and suspected an overdose of some kind as he knew about Keri's amnesiac episodes and realised she didn't remember anything until she was up by the observatory. Keri had no fight left in her and started walking with the guard without a struggle. Suddenly her head was swimming and she felt like she was underwater. The next thing she knew she was being lifted from the floor by the two guards. She'd passed out and collapsed. The guards both helped her to their toll booth to get her sat down and got an ambulance and police unit en route to the bridge.

Keri was taken to the BRI in the back of an ambulance with a police escort. She had her bloods taken and was warmed up in a cubicle. Sally came out a couple of times while they were waiting for the blood results to come back. The problem was the officers didn't realise about the personality switches so thought Keri was just deliberately playing up. They had to wait for a couple of hours for her blood work to come back which thankfully showed she hadn't overdosed. They're conclusion about Keri collapsing was that she hadn't eaten for days and through sheer exhaustion her body just gave out. She was told to make sure her fluids and food intake needed to change or it would happen again, except next time she might end up not waking up so quickly.

One of the officers ended up saying some quite hurtful things to Keri which ended up making her cry in the back of the police car. His response was, "Oh, that's right. Bring on the tears." What?! How could he say that after all Keri had been through that night!? He was unbelievable. Her silent crying continued as Keri got to the unit and police even grabbed her arm tightly even though she was walking straight for the door. Staff tried getting her to sit in the lounge on one to one but Keri was too upset. She ended up going to her room. At this point it was no longer silent crying, it was verging on hysterical. It went on for over half an hour with Bernie sat on her chair beside her. I don't think he quite knew what to do. Some of the things he said were meant to be helpful and Keri listened to him but she was crying so much she found it hard to concentrate.

Justin turned up at Keri's door and kneeled down by Keri. He'd brought up her medication. Oh my god! One of them was for her GERD, the other five were psych meds; her Quetiapine, Mirtazapine, Diazepam, Lorazepam and Promethazine. You couldn't even see the bottom of the little paper pot. Keri managed to take them without another Sally fiasco. It was now gone 4am and all Keri wanted to do was lie down but her brain was flying around too much. 

After crying to the point of wanting to collapse again, she smoked, got changed into something dry and warm, and spoke to Bernie. He said that she was going to be on 15 minute obs until she fell asleep, as she'd calmed down a little as the medication had started kicking in, and then from there they'd go back to hourly. She agreed as she needed some space. She put on Taken and ended up falling asleep while lying on her bed. Bernie was kind enough to turn off her TV and fairy lights when he saw that Keri was completely knocked out, mainly down to the amount of medication she'd had.

The staff were kind enough to also leave Keri alone to sleep today besides giving her her medication. She didn't fall asleep until nearly 6am and got up around 2.30pm which is pretty good. She woke up to find out that all her leave had yet again been taken away (which involved writing a shopping list to give to staff to get her binge food for a binge and vomit session). She's also been put back on one to one observation. Keri's mum and a member of staff have said there's no point in Keri being on one to one as Sally still managed to get out while sitting with several members of staff in their office and them setting off the alarms. Although, when Keri spent two weeks on one to one, Sally didn't come out and have a rage so I don't know.

Keri has actually been talking today but she hasn't really wanted to be around people. She had an unexpected visit from her CPN. She's leaving in two weeks. Thanks for the warning Sue! She's yet another person who brought up the subject of Keri being admitted into a secure ward. It's all going to be discussed in her CPA on Friday. Sue will be there anyway, and so will Fiona. Both of which have now spoken about maybe moving Keri would be helpful until Sally's under control.

Who spends over an hour on the phone? Keri and her foster mum is the answer! It really perked Keri up. She was happy to hear the reason her foster mum hadn't been able to visit was that she'd been completely manic for ages. Part of Keri had started wondering whether something had happened or she'd done something wrong. After that conversation, she realised this wasn't true so she no longer had these critical or paranoid thoughts about it all. Hopefully Keri's foster mum can visit tomorrow but if not she'll text Keri to let her know. At least Keri's not one to take things personally when it comes to her foster parents. Everyone else? Well, she'd hold a grudge forever!

Keri's actually been trying to stay calm this evening. She's lying in bed watching The Hobbit. She wants to talk to the staff about how she's feeling but is way too exhausted to have an indepth conversation at this time of night. It's gone 3am! I'm going to get her ready for bed myself otherwise she's never going to do it!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 2 weeks

Written by Fox.

DAY 168 - 22nd January, Wednesday

Today's been a roller coaster of extremes. Keri's either been laughing her head off or curled up on her bedroom floor crying so hard that it hurts. There hasn't been an in between.

Keri's still on one to one but was able to get some escorted leave to the supermarket to update her diet coke stash. I think a bit of time off the ward did her a little good but it definitely got her heart pumping. She tried keeping herself distracted by chatting to Matt but it didn't help her. She kept her face looking calm though.

Now it's late evening, Keri's very depressed. She ate more popcorn and chocolate and threw it up, then panicked and exercised away more calories, then cried some more, pretended to be happy or Clarissa is coming out when Keri is around staff while smoking (if Clari noticed Keri was past the point of being able to 'put her face on'), cried some more... I think me coming out to do the blog at least gives her body a break from the exertion it takes for Keri to cry the way she's doing. And you know what? There's no one around to see it while she's in her room like that, so no one knows how agonised she feels inside. It breaks my heart as I know I can't do anything to help.

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 13 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 167 - 21st January, Tuesday

Well, what can I say, Sally paid a visit today although there were a few times while she was taken by two staff to A&E that she almost came out. You could tell from Keri's posture, the pained expression on her face, the hyperventilating (which went on constantly for over three hours), the kicking walls, fists clenched and punching walls, refusing to sit anywhere near anyone and stand by the wall, pacing up and down... Need I go on? Sally had cut Keri's arm again and she needed to go and get stitches. Clive made sure the car doors were locked on the way back to the unit so maybe the staff are able to predict when risks are higher as Sally was planning to jump out at a traffic light. I do have to say that Fi (one of the students who started yesterday) seems like she'll be a very good nurse. She was calming to Keri, and so was Clive. Keri hasn't had much interaction with Clive but he was very supportive as it was clear how difficult it was for Keri to even be in the hospital. They made sure that most of the time both staff were there as Clive did say to the receptionist that it was a delicate situation (although Keri didn't hear anything as she kept going into dissociative trances).

She was back to fasting today but after losing a lot of blood and feeling wobbly, by the time she got back she asked Fi to get her £5 worth of chocolate and she was going to microwave a couple of packets of popcorn which is exactly what she did. Unfortunately she then spent the last of her energy making herself sick as she felt so guilty about eating all of it. Now her body is totally drained. Keri's asked Viv to hand over to the morning staff not to wake her before midday if she's not up before then as she's so desperate to get some sleep and hide under her duvet. Unless you experience it yourself you don't know how draining it is. It's literally like running a marathon with no fuel to help you run.

David has written a letter for Fiona for her psychotherapy appointment on Friday. I don't know what it says and neither does anyone else. Keri doesn't even know that the letter exists so David will probably leave it on her desk about five minutes before Fiona is due to arrive for the appointment.

Keri's still on one to one but I think it's being reviewed again tomorrow. The problem is, if she's on one to one, Keri will end up being cut up by Sally. If she's not on one to one Sally will quite happily either slip out the door when no one is looking or climb the garden fence. What kind of choice does that leave Keri or the staff? Unfortunately, because she's hardly even in the early stages of treatment, Keri can't control the dissociating. That's the thing that most upsets Keri. She doesn't like feeling out of control.

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 9 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 163 - 17th January, Friday

Keri really didn't want to get up today but was woken up by loud knocking from Clive telling her that her medication was ready. Keri forced herself up and hadn't realised that it was nearly midday which meant she needed to get herself sorted for her ward round, even though part of her was wondering what the point was going to be in going. It actually turned out a lot more constructive than she thought. She's still on one to one observation but she's been given back some escorted leave over the weekend. As long as there's no incidents then hopefully they can work on building up her unescorted leave. Her dose of Pantoprazole for her GERD has been changed from the morning to the evening to see if that helps Keri's worsening acid reflux situation. Her Diazepam has been dropped another 1mg. She was on 30mg a few weeks ago and now she's managed to get down to 28mg. The manager suggested working with him to form some kind of contract about boundaries and acceptable behaviour. Sally will do anything to sabotage that but Keri's spoken to us and she's happy to sign one, so am I, so is Clarissa and so is David. That's a start at least.

The staff have been trying to keep Keri's spirits up today and have been doing so quite well actually. In ward round she was asked to rate her mood between 1 and 10 (1 being I'm going to the bridge, 10 being life is great). Keri said 10. They actually believed her! Are these people fools? She's barely scraped herself onto a 2! At times her mood has fluctuated between 2 and 3 but is now rested on a 2 this evening. The problem is that Keri is very good at putting on false laughs and a smile. One of the staff decided to try and find humour in Keri's one to one observation and made a hat which was called 'The Bonnet of Observation'. It's for Keri's 'appointed stalker' (like she calls them) to wear as a novelty thing. Some of the staff aren't into it. Justin has refused to wear it tonight! Outrageous really. But it's better to find the laughs in it, otherwise you'd just cry.

Keri had her psychotherapy session with Fiona and Keri chatted a lot, it seemed like she'd never stop talking. I think the whole one to one thing is actually being beneficial to her as it's helping to encourage her to talk about her feelings and what's distressing her rather than hiding in her room, sneaking down for a cigarette while staff are in the office and then sneaking back upstairs again with no interaction with anyone. Fiona noted how Keri seemed a little more perky today but that's just Keri, her mood is so extremely changeable that it's crazy. One minute you'd think she was high on drugs, the next she'd be crying in the corner cuddling a teddy and not knowing why.

The highlight of today has got to be Keri's brother visiting. Jamie got the train to Bristol and walked to the hospital to visit her. Keri had managed to get her escorted leave sorted and went with Matt, who was well informed of her plan to take Jamie out to buy him his birthday present. She wanted to get him an iPad and a case. He didn't even realise it was for him until she was at the counter! Keri was quite sly and was getting his opinion on cases etc so she could buy what he wanted without him even realising that was why she was asking so many questions! He's absolutely amazed with his new gadget and is really grateful to Keri. She got a lot of hugs for that! When they got back from leave Keri sent Jamie upstairs as she had a slight blip getting very panicky while they were in the supermarket so she had some extra medication. She was seriously shaking. Even Jamie noticed when she got up to her room, her hand was all over the place while she was trying to drink her coke! Luckily the Lorazepam calmed her down and she helped Jamie set up his iPad. They managed a few games of Just Dance on Keri's Wii before he had to leave to go and get the train back to Taunton again. He's hoping to be able to visit weekly from now on. I really think this would be good for Keri. They're relationship has just gotten better and better since Keri finally realised he wasn't a demon!

She's feeling quite restless at the moment but hopefully she'll be able to sleep. She was almost on the verge of fainting at one point as her and Jamie were really getting into the dancing game. It was quite strenuous on Keri's poor little body when she hasn't had any food since Sunday! The staff aren't bothering trying to spend ages persuading Keri to eat. They're all well aware that she's fasting until Monday. She may have only been on this ward a short time but they've realised how strong willed she is, especially when it's in regards to food. Her plan is to eat on Monday and Tuesday evening, a four hour time slot where she can eat what she wants, then go back to fasting again. Whether she actually eats on Monday is another thing. She hates herself whenever she's weighed. Even if she's lost weight she still thinks 'I need to lose more'. The silver lining to this is that because she's not eating she hasn't self harmed. There's been times where she's felt like it but she hasn't actively done it. Well done Keri for that at least!

And to reveal... The Bonnet of Observation! Being worn by Keri's 'appointed stalker' at the time.

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 8 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 162 - 16th January, Thursday

Considering Keri didn't even manage to settle into bed until nearly 6am this morning the staff didn't try getting her out of bed. She'd kept herself awake to see when the staff received their phone call, which they never received. The only reason the staff eventually coaxed her out of bed was because of the fact Keri had an appointment with Becki at 2pm. They woke her just after 1pm. Keri got up as Becki has to travel about an hour to see Keri so doesn't like cancelling her appointments with her at such short notice.

Her visit was quite good. Keri enjoyed Becki's company. They're hoping that they'll still be able to work together until Keri's 25. Normally, if a young person isn't in education then their personal advisor has to stop working with them when they're 21. But because of Keri's exceptional circumstances we're hoping that rule won't be in place as it's adding unnecessary pressure on Keri's shoulders. Gemma and Becki spent a while talking alone with each other afterwards so Keri wandered off to smoke and then go to her room.

Keri's mainly been in her room. She feels very isolated from everyone and is still hallucinating, more regularly. She's now having trouble trusting the staff as they're turning around and saying that the things she's hallucinating aren't actually there. She doesn't know whether to believe them, most of her thinks the staff are trying to trick her. She told them that five guys were outside the ward and Matt decided to go dancing outside in the car park outside her window to try and prove to her that the group of men she was seeing wasn't real. Fail. She's also been lying down a lot as this is the end of her fifth day of fasting so she's feeling pretty weak. She's still determined to continue though as she set her date for at least a week of fasting. 

Keri did actually have some good times today. I think after her crying yesterday it's taken a little steam out of the pressure cooker so to speak. But she's gone downhill again this evening, it's always the dark that starts her off. She did try and be with other patients. They had a group in the evening and for most of it another patient was telling terrible jokes! I mean they were so terrible that you just had to laugh. That helped Keri a bit trying to focus on things that weren't so negative. We're all hoping she'll take up horse riding again at her old stables so that she has something to focus on. The unit is willing to fund her riding lessons too which we only found out today.

Hopefully Keri is able to be granted some escorted leave tomorrow. She wants to take her little brother to tesco so they can get off the unit and do a bit of shopping. Unfortunately it'll mean a staff member following her around but at least she'll get out and the staff are there if something goes wrong, which can be likely with Keri's state of mind at the moment. Keri may still be intent on suicide but she's had a lot of one to one sessions because of her one to one observation and there have been times where there's been tiny tiny little sparks of possible hope that have lit and disappeared. Keri may not feel it but that hope is in there somewhere. I just hope she and Sally don't do anything stupid before Keri realises she's still got strength inside her.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 160 & 161

Written by Fox.

DAY 160 & 161 - 14th & 15th January, Tuesday & Wednesday (23 weeks)

Keri's now finished her fourth day of fasting. She's had no food at all since Saturday night. She's found an app for her phone called Fasting Secret which basically records weight, has a timer to encourage fasts and marks trends on a graph. Keri had her obs done again today. She only had them done on Monday but in two days she's lost 0.7kg. Now she's determined not to eat, although I have to say over the last couple of days she has had no appetite.

She's still on one to one observation while out of her room. She's hopefully going to be able to go to the supermarket with Simon, the manager, tomorrow but it depends how Keri is. She's not in the best place. She started hearing those unknown voices again and spent most of her time in her room again yesterday. For the last couple of days she's been rocking constantly and pacing, the faster the pacing the worse her state of mind is getting.

Keri ended up breaking down this evening. Her hallucinations of five guys were around. They were shouting up at her from the front of the building up at her window that if she didn't run away from the unit and kill herself then someone else was going to die tonight instead, someone she cares about. She genuinely thinks this is real. Ade and Gemma spent a lot of time with her while she looked so upset. Temporary two to one obs. That was just a short time until they could calm Keri down enough to get some medication and to talk one on one with Gemma. They were in the clinic talking for ages with Keri crying constantly. It's like the pressure cooker thing. Once she started crying she couldn't stop, then she started blurting out everything that was on her mind and about what she'd been told by the guys who said either she dies or a loved one does. She even saw the guys over by the fence while she was out with the two staff smoking.

Viv has tried to explain to Keri that the "someone dying" thing is just a thought process but Keri's having none of it. Whenever Keri sees the staff she keeps asking whether anyone has rung. She's even been texting people she cares about who've messaged her after seeing her Facebook status about the fact she was terrified a loved one was going to die and she didn't want a phone call tonight. She's been given all her medication, and then some more. She's completely knackered but is forcing herself to stay awake as she doesn't want to be asleep when someone rings to say someone's died, which isn't going to happen. If it does then that's going to be complete coincidence.

Let's hope someone can get through to her so she can get some sleep tonight. She's got plenty if opportunity to talk while on one to one!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 4 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 158 - 12th January, Sunday

Keri was actually up before midday! She wanted to go back to sleep but her headache had gotten pretty bad. Her depression was telling her not to get up. She's still suicidal but doesn't want to do anything while she's on one to one observation. Sally hasn't come out today but Keri's head has just been getting worse and worse. If she doesn't come out this evening then it's got to be tomorrow or something. There's only so long Sally can control herself before she explodes.

Because of her headache and feeling tense, Keri's started rocking quite a lot and pacing around quite quickly. There's a lot of nervous energy that she needs to let out but she still feels tired. She doesn't went to pace yet does anyway because she can't help it. She'd prefer to be sat in her room watching movies, huddled in bed rather than feeling compelled to sit there rocking back and forwards.

Keri's illness that she had yesterday has triggered off her disordered eating again. She had a nice hot meal last night when her stomach stopped rejecting all food but then woke up this morning and decided this was the time she was going to get back down to her 'target weight'. She's even gotten to the point where she's going on a forum promoting disordered eating behaviours. She's been a member since last year but forgot about it when her eating wasn't so bad. Now she's back on it and has already joined a group of people who are going to start a fast tomorrow. Keri's already fasted today so she's getting in a head start there. I don't want her becoming really underweight again. She's already been on the brink of fainting today! Luckily she's stuck to Guitar Hero and hasn't started all her exercise yet.

Keri had a one to one with Matt and they went through my blog. Then Matt decided to have a go on Keri's Guitar Hero! He's never played it before and didn't get through a single song without getting booed off stage which I found quite funny. Giving him credit though, he did pretty well considering he's never played it before! But still terrible. That's the basis of Keri's exercise at the moment, standing up for so long though makes her dizzy. If the physiotherapist turns up tomorrow there's no way she's going to be able to take Keri to the gym to do her exercises, that's if she can get Keri to say yes anyway! Does the almost-fainting urge Keri to eat something? No. She sees it as a sign that she's doing well and losing weight. WHY CAN'T SHE UNDERSTAND SHE IS NOT FAT. She's either starving herself or deliberately making herself sick. Can't we find a happy medium? Apparently not. 

Hopefully we'll have good news tomorrow whatever comes out of this review thing. Everyone's still unclear about what on earth is going on with Keri, her placement and her obs levels. That'll be interesting tomorrow if she gets her leave all given back. May as well give Sally a free ticket to do what she wants and give Keri a suicide ticket. They can't keep her on this level of obs permanently though. It totally defeats the object of a rehabilitation unit. If the worst comes to the worst she'll be sent back to either the acute ward or the secure ward. 

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 125

Written by Fox.

DAY 125 - 10th December, Tuesday

Keri did actually get to bed before 2am last night as her head hurt so much. All she wanted to do was lie down. She still had a migraine in the morning but the staff didn't disturb her besides coming in at about 12.15pm to give her her two doses of medication. She stayed in bed until about 2pm. She's been depressed and had a lot of crying episodes going on, which is why I think Sally decided to "help" today.

All Keri remembers is playing a game on her iPad then finding herself running through some dark woods with the police helicopter hovering above her. When she became fully aware of being herself, she slowed down to try and figure out where she was. It turns out she was up near the observatory, yet again by the suspension bridge. Could Keri have stopped and phoned the unit? Yes. Could she have asked for help? Yes. She didn't want it. So instead she legged it to the bridge and casually walked along it. She almost got over the fence again before a passing car spotted her and the two people inside (I'm assuming a married couple) grabbed her and got her off the fence for the few seconds they waited for the security to be able to get there. That's when Keri started to kick off as she knew how far away security had been. She knew that if that car hadn't stopped then she'd have been able to get over.

She started panicking and two officers arrived and had to handcuff her due to the fact she was so distressed to the point of being very unpredictable, and Sally was nipping out here and there which kept getting her restrained. They kept hold of her until a police van arrived. They thought it would be safer due to Keri's mental state that putting her in the back of a van would be safer for both Keri and the officers, one of which sat in the cage with her.

After finally managing to get Keri back to the unit the police took her into the staff office where they sat Keri down and spoke to the staff. At this point Keri was rocking frantically back and forward, still hyperventilating and was unresponsive to anyone speaking to her. The staff decided it would be better to speak to the police without Keri there and took her through to the manager's office. One staff member chatted to the police while another went to get Keri a cup of tea. Keri overheard the police talking to Andy, a member of staff, and about how things were going to work out. The police were of the opinion Keri needed to be on a locked ward and were talking about the repetitive absconding and dangerous situations that had happened only in the last four months of being in hospital. Keri zoned out a bit after that but I heard Andy say to the police that if this happens again then Keri will be moved to a secure ward, and it could very well be likely that she'd be sent to ECH. Not something anyone wants! 

She was kept on one to one for a while, now she's on ten minute obs. The staff have said that when she settles to bed they'll take it down to half hour obs and then after a couple of hours put it down to hourly obs again so they don't disturb her when she finally gets some much needed sleep. Unfortunately it doesn't look like Keri is going to bed any time soon! Such a shame. I really hope things start settling. Keri's going to text her psychotherapist tomorrow and see whether there's anything she can do to help.