Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 17 days

Written by Fox.

Sorry it's taken so long to write today's blog post guys but Keri has had a really rough evening. She's been depressed all day and crying. She's suicidal and she wants to abscond. Earlier she posted on Facebook about stigma against mental illness and about ten minutes later was in tears again and tried climbing the fence (though thankfully the amount of medication she's had didn't give her much strength to go on, nor has her not eating) so that upset her even more. Sally is still unusually quiet. I was surprised she didn't come out to help Keri over the fence.

She's just had more medication so I'm hoping she'll calm down. I was hoping the messages that were put on Facebook for her would get through to her but she's in too deep to get a bit of hope out. When she was out a minute ago she was looking around her room for a way to kill herself without any risk of the staff finding out about it before it kills her (she doesn't want to end up like a vegetable). That's why she tried getting over the fence as she's obsessing over the suspension bridge again, although now she's focusing on jumping over the wall of the bridge instead of getting over the barrier on the middle of the bridge. It's a lower fall but it's still a few hundred feet! 

I don't know how to cheer her up. I hate seeing her crying. I hate seeing her suicidal thoughts as if she manages to get out and do them then that means I die too, and so do the rest of us! I don't want to go out of this life that way. I'll give £100 to anyone who can make Keri smile! Strangely I think I'll be able to hold onto the money. If she holds out until her ward round them I'm really hoping the psychiatrist will do something about this! That's if she doesn't completely lose it tomorrow. Actually, today as it's now gone 12.30AM.

Thinking of you guys!

Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 16 days

Written by Fox.

The day didn't go by a good start. Keri had less than three hours sleep and was up before 8am throwing up in her toilet due to her nightmares. After that she couldn't get herself back into bed again so grounded herself by standing in the rain, smoking and getting herself orientated back into the present e.g. where she was, what month it was etc.

One of her key workers came into her room and sat with her as she was concerned over the fact Keri was up so early as it's never a good sign. She gave Keri her morning medication, along with additional sedatives. She's also planning on doing a DBT group twice a week for half an hour. As she knew Keri had done DBT for a year she suggested Keri help her with the group. She's pretty up for that. She wants to show she's at least trying to do things rather than do what she wants aka hiding under her duvet forever.

She managed to go out on leave in the afternoon and got really annoyed with the nurse as whenever she takes Keri to the supermarket she goes and does her own shopping too! Keri gets freaked out by loads of people and doesn't like to linger unless with someone she trusts completely. In and out, that's it, not lingering waiting for her escort!

Keri's light of her day was when her foster mum and kid foster brother turned up to visit. Considering how low she'd been for most of the day and how out of it she'd been on her medications she was still able to chat and even laugh! Considering her foster brother is only 15 he seemed quite comfortable being on an adult psychiatric ward. I was surprised. It's been a long while since I last saw him. He's changed a lot! Last time Keri saw him I wasn't really around so it's been a while. Keri gave her foster mum her birthday present but forgot to put her Mother's Day card with it! Although I'm sure Keri will see them again soon. She's going to ask the consultant for home leave for the third ward round running this week, hopefully he will agree now that Keri is finally off ten minute observation! 

I'm glad they came to see her as it'd been such a depressing day! We couldn't cheer her up at all so it made the rest of us feel like crap as well. I like seeing them. They're my family too!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 24 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 178 - 1st February, Saturday

Keri was up by 11am as she was looking forward to her aunt and uncle coming to visit on their way to the airport. She managed to stick to her new routine of going to bed at 3.15am whether she feels tired or not. She's not waking up feeling any more refreshed and her sleep is still restless. She even woke up during the night after having a nightmare and falling out of bed.

Her visit with her aunt and uncle was good. Keri enjoyed their company and catching up on what they've been up to and also letting them know about what was going on with her. They're going on holiday for a couple of weeks so managed to slip a visit in. Keri's hoping to start using FaceTime more to keep in contact with them, it just doesn't work out so well though if she's having a bad depressive episode, or is psychotic, or isn't herself. Jamie spent ages here and left totally exhausted, as was Keri! They even recorded a few videos. One in slow motion and another of them dancing on the Wii to the song Rock Lobster! I think their dancing is funny! She's been trying to put it on Facebook but it won't work!

Keri's still on one to one and has been pretty hysterical for periods. When her brother was here she was switching from crying to laughing to crying to laughing with tears in her eyes. She wanted to burst into tears. Even while she was laughing hysterically she was saying, "My life's so shit!" It was getting a bit worrying actually. Tonight she's now hit a really depressive episode. She's spoken to Ade a bit as she's been panicking about what would happen if Keri was on Lime Unit and it was decided she couldn't come back. Ade reassured her it was only temporary. It's nice to know what we aren't being dumped on someone else as usual when things get out of hand with Sally.

Tomorrow could turn out to be mayhem. Simon told Keri this afternoon that the plan is that he's arranging for Keri to be moved on Monday so that's only the day after tomorrow! Keri's planning to just pack the essentials but whether she gets round to being able to pack without Sally going completely mental I don't know. She might resort to the "do as I say or I'm coming out" tac tic. It worked on Monday! It happened so suddenly that Keri dissociated that no one could catch Sally even when they tried. She's not just a jogger, she's a bloody sprinter! Keep calm, Keri. Just keep calm! 

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 144, 145 & 146

Written by Fox.

DAY 144, 145 & 146 - 29th, 30th & 31st December

I haven't written for a few days but that's a good thing as it means it's been quiet! For a day or so Keri became a little more responsive towards people. Last night she was even in bed before 2am and was up just after 9am! But the problem is she's been worse today than she has over the last couple of days. Part of me knew that her suddenly getting more responsive meant she'd go back downhill again. 

The manager worked a late shift today so he's been very stubborn in trying to get Keri involved with things, like helping him take down some of the Christmas decorations and helping him download one of Ellie Goulding's songs onto his iPhone. He sat with her for a while to keep her downstairs. He said that he wanted her New Year resolution to be that she starts making eye contact with people. She won't look anyone in the eye. The only people she is likely to try looking in the eye every now and then are her foster parents. Her voice is still monotonous. She still hasn't laughed or smiled. 

This evening has been very distressing for me. Keri's been thinking about one thing and one thing only; suicide. She's decided "fuck the suspension bridge" because by the time Sally gets her up there the police are already involved and the security guards working up there all know who she is as they've all had to pull her or Sally down from the fence at least once. The ward manager has put her as medium risk. Medium risk?! Keri might be pleased with that but I'm not! How is she medium risk?! If no passer by stops then her fast pace is going to outdo the security and she's going to be off there and finished. How do I know this? I'm in her head. I'm about the only one that knows the full truth and intention in her actions. So now she's decided 'train'. I can see her logic (although I obviously don't agree with it!). No police unless a train goes by and spots her (which is doubtful to happen) and she'll be hard to find. How can officers cover the whole area of Bristol railway lines? She's thinking of a lot of different areas but hasn't decided which one. All she does know is that she needs to order a taxi because the bus outside the hospital isn't running tomorrow. She doesn't care. She doesn't think she needs money. She's willing to give the driver £50 for a £20 journey as an example!

She totally conked out this evening though. I think it was because she was up so early. She only ended up waking up as she banged her head against her bedside table and fell out of bed and onto the floor from thrashing around from a nightmare. Even so, she was up a lot earlier than normal. I think it'll probably be the same tonight. The problem is, with Sally and Keri's energy combined it makes it almost impossible for any of the rest of us to come out and do anything! I was only able to come and write this post after promising to Sally I wouldn't leave Keri's room or do anything besides writing the post. Although I did do something extra, I text Keri's foster mum a happy new year from me, Keri, Clari and David. Sally doesn't need to know, plus I doubt Keri will text anyone happy new year anyway, she just sees tomorrow as another day in hospital. Nothing special. Well, less than two minutes and it will be midnight. Fireworks anyone? 

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 134, 135 & 136

Written by Fox.

DAY 134, 135 & 136 - 19th, 20th & 21st December, Thursday, Friday & Saturday

Keri didn't find her psychotherapy session very helpful on Friday. She'd been documenting everything hour by hour since Thursday evening as soon as she started getting a headache and knew Sally would eventually come out. A lot of people have suggested writing it all down when things happened to see if there was a pattern. Even though she spent 45 minutes talking to Fiona, she can't remember half the stuff they even talked about and has no idea on how to help with Sally. In fact, no one does.

Yesterday night Sally decided she was going to disappear again. She let Keri out by the time she got to the observatory. Maybe the buses were in her favour or she just ran most of the way there, but either way Sally got Keri up there pretty quickly. Keri looked over the railings at the bridge. There was no one walking on it and even the traffic was pretty quiet, only the occasional car was crossing. Even so, it would've been hard to see Keri in the dark and the rain while driving past anyway. So Keri legged it to the bottom of the observatory then casually walked along it again (she found that if she runs then it gets the security guards on edge straight away). Once in the middle, she looked up and down. No cars. No security. No pedestrians. She started climbing the fence, managing to get halfway over the first fence before being pulled down by one of the managers from the bridge who had happened to be passing in his car as Keri was climbing. He managed to stop and grab her just as the security reached her and was congratulated on how he was able to spot her even in the terrible weather. She was extremely non-compliant and kept kicking off. The guard holding onto her was called Shaun. He'd pulled her down the last time when Sally had tried getting over.

As Keri was kicking off so much, Shaun had to hold one arm around her neck and the other around her waist so he could half carry her to the toll booth house while the other security officer phoned the police to let them know they'd found Keri. Two police officers showed up but after seeing how distressed Keri was they called up for a van, so they had to wait for that to show up. Shaun was actually really good with her. He loosened his grip every now and again but couldn't let her go as Keri kept going for the doors to get back on the bridge. She never could struggle for long as she was in a partial choke hold which then meant she had no choice but to calm down. Her hyperventilating just got worse when two more officers arrived with their van. She panics with police officers as she's had bad experiences in the past, it's nothing personal to them.

"The unit often phone us up and we've already told them that this isn't a cry for help," Shaun was saying to the officers. "She's real serious about getting over the barrier and there's been some times where it's been way too close for comfort. That ward has no idea what they're doing."

One of the officers who'd been stood waiting kneeled down next to Keri and tried getting Keri to look her in the eye.

"Keri, because you're so distressed we want to keep you safe while we take you back to the hospital," she said. "I'm going to have to put some handcuffs on you. I won't do it now, I'm just warning you that that's what I'm going to have to do. Is that okay?"

"No!" Keri screamed. The same woman searched her while Shaun kept hold of her. I don't quite agree with how she was being restrained as one arm was around her neck. She was already hyperventilating. With the amount she was kicking off she was kept constantly restrained. When it was time to get her in the van the female officer took out her handcuffs and was restrained by her and Shaun while they put one cuff on.

"Keri, relax your arm," she said, "come on, I'm not going to hurt you."

Partly relaxing her arm, the officer managed to get Keri's other arm behind her back to put the cuffs on properly. Shaun made sure he was the one to help take Keri out to the van. The traffic had been held up for a good fifteen minutes as the van was blocking the way.

"I can't go back! You've got to let me go! Please!" Keri shouted, by this point she was crying.

With a lot of effort they managed to get her in the cage and get the door shut. Keri went absolutely mental in the thirty seconds she was left on her own. Kicking out at the door and bashing her head really hard against the side of the vehicle. In the end two officers had to get in the cage and keep hold of her. One of them grabbed a soft foam thing and put it between Keri's head and the side of the vehicle. The other kept hold of Keri's arm to keep some form of control when Keri was lashing out.

"The badger was in the sink," Keri said. "The fucking thing stole my spoons! Shut up, shut up!" What?  Yeah, that's what I thought. Make any sense to you? If it does then please explain!

The female officer was following behind in her car. It was quite claustrophobic with three people in the cage, although one of them was only half in there.

The four officers managed to get her back inside the hospital. One of them went into the office to talk to staff while the other three were directed into a small lounge to keep Keri in. When she got back from talking to staff she came in and sat down on one of the sofas.

"Do you want to take the cuffs off her yet?" one of the guys asked her.

"No," she said. "Not yet."

The staff had gone off to get Keri some medication which she took after finally getting the handcuffs off. She wanted a cigarette but the police were very wary. Staff arrived with more pills.

"Here's some more medication," they said. "Part number two."

They went to get Keri's cigarettes but the police weren't happy with letting Keri outside without two of them going out there with her and a member of staff. Once she'd finished she was taken into the staff office to sit with the two staff that were on. The two remaining officers said their goodbyes and left. You could tell they were getting annoyed with the staff. They found it ridiculous that there were only two members of staff for ten patients, especially when someone like Keri is taking up both members of staff.

It was definitely a restless night. Keri didn't go to sleep until gone 3am and woke up terrified thinking her dad was in her room at 7am. She'd also had flashes of road signs which she quickly scribbled in the notebook she keeps next to her bed if she has a nightmare or dreams something confusing or important. Just to make sure she doesn't forget about it. She wrote down all the road signs. Keri doesn't know what the road signs mean but I do. It's the route Sally uses to get to the suspension bridge, somehow while Keri was sleeping that leaked into her dreams. After an hour, she then went back to bed until 3pm. She didn't sleep for that much. By the time she got out of bed, she knew she hadn't been asleep all that time because Sally had graffitied her wardrobe with a message saying "Keri litsen 38" (we're all assuming she means 'listen' as Sally isn't a great speller). Plus an arrow pointing to the left (which could've meant her DVDs, her laptop, her music... Keri ended up watching the 38th DVD on her shelf (Side Effects) and as she was sorting her paperwork she noticed the plug on her docking station was switched on. When she looked at the station, she saw her iPod plugged into it. Keri didn't do that. Sally did it and put it on the list of Eminem songs Keri has. That was what Sally meant. Listening to the 38th Eminem song which was called Talking to Myself. Keri listened to it but doesn't quite understand what she means by it. Sally has never tried explaining her feelings before and if you listen to the lyrics in that song you can tell how hurt and angry she is.

Knowing how annoyed Sally is, Keri decided to sit in the communal lounge for a while and watched Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. She got a bit fed up with another patient. She saw Keri get brought in last night and was having a go at Keri about how she'd seen seven police officers in the unit at one point and that Keri had her whole life ahead of her... What she didn't realise was that whenever anyone says this to Keri she sits there and becomes even more determined to kill herself just to prove that the world has screwed her over and she's not prepared to live in it anymore. She's absolutely dreading Christmas! Even though she's hopefully going to be spending Christmas with her foster parents, the closer the day comes the more miserable she's getting. Looks like I might have to come out for part of Christmas or Sally might end up ruining it for everyone. And you know what? Keri's past caring if Sally comes out again between now and Christmas. How do I get her hope and motivation back? It's breaking my heart seeing her go so downhill. She even looks haunted and ill. You can tell she's not herself. She's forcing herself to smile if she has to but inside she's thinking "I want this all to end!" I'm sorry there's nothing I can do, Keri. I wish there was :(

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 102

Written by Fox.

DAY 102 - 17th November, Sunday

***TRIGGER WARNING - SELF HARM IMAGES***

The reason I wanted to put a couple of pictures is to show the kind of thing that ends up happening when Keri zones out, dissociates, or Sally decides to have a crack at opening her wrists. There are no images of open wounds, they're all stitched. There's no gore, blood, exposed muscle/fatty tissue or anything like that but I put a warning anyway.

Keri managed to get to bed at 1am today, making sure to take all her medication about an hour earlier than she normally does. Her plan was to hopefully get a good night's sleep and wake up at more of an appropriate time than the middle of the afternoon! Unfortunately she woke up at 2.30am and couldn't get back to sleep. By the time it hit 3am she was wide awake and ended up making herself a coffee and smoking herself stupid out in the garden. She found the air quite refreshing. She knew that she'd had a nightmare from the way she woke up (her duvet had been thrown on the floor and she woke up because she banged her head against the wall while she was thrashing about). She was surprisingly perky considering she'd had less than two hours sleep. I think it was down to over tiredness. With her medication she should've slept through until at least late morning.

At 5am Keri zoned out a bit and ended up self harming again. She didn't actually realise she'd self harmed as she ended up lying in bed. At first she thought she'd just dreamed that it had happened but then saw the blood soaking through her pyjamas and panicked. She made a makeshift dressing to stem the bleeding. She didn't want to tell the night staff as she didn't want to go to the BRI. The Urgent Care Centre which she normally goes to is only open 8am to 8pm so she was going to wait for the shift changeover before saying anything (the night staff and morning staff have their handover between 7am and 7.30am). Once this was over she ended up telling staff and she was off on her way to the hospital.

She was there with staff for nearly 5 hours, however Keri was quite calm. The tiredness had hit her now and they'd medicated her up before they allowed her to leave to get stitched. She spent 3 hours desperately trying to stay awake but it was extremely difficult for her to fight off sleep deprivation, blood loss and a load of medication! Eventually she was seen and stitched up. You could tell Sally had done it purely based on the depth of the wound. Keri was really annoyed as she'd been hoping to go out with a nurse this afternoon but that was only going to be possible if she'd had no self harm incidents.

By the time they got back, Keri quickly ate a sandwich and then was given her Diazepam. Less than ten minutes later and she was out cold asleep on her bed. She didn't wake up until nearly 7pm when Brian came in to give her her next dose of Diazepam.

"How are you feeling?" he said sympathetically, his face looking concerned.

"Like I'm walking on my eyeballs," Keri said.

"I've got your medication here."

As Keri took the water and her tablets Brian started talking.

"Did anyone tell you that a bed is available over in Alder Unit on Wednesday?" he said.

Keri shook her head. Alder Unit was the unit next to Lime Unit, it was the rehabilitation unit everyone was planning on sending her to.

"Well, there's going to bed free..." he said, hesitating for a second. "Unfortunately, with this all still going on and us not being able to let you off the ward I don't think we're going to be able to send you over there yet."

"I know," Keri said, defeat in her voice. "But I've got ward round on Tuesday. Maybe they'll talk about it then."

"Maybe," he said, getting up to leave. "You get some more rest. Emily will probably have a one to one with you later on if you feel up to it."

"I'm going to have to get up now anyway," Keri said, looking at her watch. "It's gone 7. If I go back to sleep now I'm going to end up having the same disaster as last night."

Brian left and Keri grabbed her cigarettes and made a cup of coffee. While she was out smoking, Emily arrived.

"Hey Keri," she said. "Do you want your one to one now?"

Keri stubbed out her cigarette and followed Emily to one of the interview rooms. Emily was the nurse that made the deal that if there were no self harm incidents then she'd take Keri out this afternoon. They had quite a good one to one session. Emily had been planning on taking Keri over to Alder Unit to have a look around and see what it's like but obviously they hadn't been able to because off the state Keri was in. After about twenty minutes Keri was half asleep as her other dose of Diazepam had kicked in. Emily made sure to agree with Keri what she was going to do; watch some comedy, eat some chocolate, and try and stay awake. Emily encouraged Keri to speak to the staff if she felt like self harming again. Keri was taking responsibility for what happened that morning, not mentioning that she hadn't actually realised she was doing it at the time.

So she's had her evening medication. She's not going to bother taking everything early so she's not having her sleeping medication until 1am as usual. Hopefully she gets some rest! She has to be up tomorrow by 12.30pm as she has her psychotherapy appointment. Let's just hope she rests easy tonight.

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***Both of these pictures are the inside of each of her wrists. The first one is of her right, the second of her left (however one has a dressing covering it due to the signs of an infection). Keri's never good at keeping them on! Silly Keri :(***

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Sectioned in Hospital - Day 74

Written by Fox.

DAY 74 - 20th October, Sunday

What a foul mood Keri's been in today! The nurses tried several times to get her out of bed but Keri just turned around and refused, saying she felt horrible and didn't want to get out from hiding under her duvet. At one point she got so fed up with it that she told one of the nurses to fuck off. Nice going Keri. Somehow one of the nurses managed to get Keri to at least temporarily sit up to take two doses of medication at 1pm. Then she was half asleep again for a couple of hours before finally getting up. She would've stayed in there longer but she had another nightmare and woke up in cold sweat, and she was completely soaked through, her hair was sticky, her pyjamas felt like she'd been standing in the rain and she even had to change her bedding. It was the worst and most vivid nightmare she's had in a while. It scares me. I didn't experience the dream myself but I've seen flashes of it that she's had during the day and even that has terrified me.

Keri kept herself isolated and eventually went to the desk to ask to go out on leave. She wasn't laughing at any of their jokes, she wouldn't look them in the eyes, and she looked like she was going to burst into tears.

"I'll just check your leave," one of the nurses said. "Right, it says here that you can go out twice a day for half an hour as long as you're assessed by the member of staff in charge beforehand."

Brian was the charge nurse and he came out of the staff office and sat on the desk next to Keri.

"Right, can I have a chat with you before you go?" he said.

"I don't want to talk," Keri said.

"Well can I at least ask you a few questions?" he said.

Keri shook her head but Brian took her to one of the small rooms to have a chat with her anyway. Keri said she wasn't planning on hurting or killing herself, or running off. Brian decided to let her out. Keri dissociated for a few minutes but we don't know who it was. She noticed that the bus stop sign said that a bus was due in a few minutes and Keri decided to have a cigarette and wait for it. She was getting more and more panicky as the guys following her (her paranoid hallucinations) were getting closer and closer. In the end Keri's adrenalin just said "run" and she sprinted in the only direction she could go to get away from the guys that were scaring her; back into the hospital grounds. By the time she reached the entrance to the unit she was verging on a panic attack. 

They didn't bother searching her so I'm hoping that means no one bought anything. But Keri had a panic attack down in the HDU garden and then went to ask for some PRN. She was given some Lorazepam and had a chat with a nurse in the clinic room. She said she'd rather Keri asked for Lorazepam rather than do anything impulsive. It's written on her chart that Keri can have 2mg of Lorazepam a day along with her regular Diazepam. She got calmer but remained in the HDU for most of the rest of the day.

Fortunately she got a surprise phone call from her foster mum which went on for about 45 minutes. It's the most I've heard her talk all day, even including a few laughs. It was lucky she managed to get hold of Keri as Clarissa has been dying to come out for this evening, so she might end up having our therapy appointment tomorrow. I'm fine with that as long as no one lets her off the ward to buy alcohol or drugs! If that happens then Clarissa will stay out and get wasted and then Sally will take the opportunity to sprint as quickly as possible up to the suspension bridge. Goodbye Keri. Thankfully for our sake Keri's psychotherapist is very perceptive and knows what Clari is like! She'll make sure she's not let out on leave, although Clari is good at impersonating Keri. She won't get away with it with Fiona but may do with some of the staff that haven't learnt so much about Keri's DID.