Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 19 days

Written by Fox.

Keri had barely said a word at all yesterday and was having a hell of a lot of crying episodes but still remembered to text her foster mum and say happy birthday (which I find great with Keri, no matter how terrible she feels she will always remember other people, although that can sometimes be her downfall). Instead of texting back, Keri's foster mum rang her. It's the most she had spoken all day! She even got to talk to one of her older foster brothers. There were a few fake laughs from Keri's end but there were some genuine smiles. Keri was really happy that her foster mum liked her present! It's the little things.

Keri had her ward round today which I think went well. Keri's Quetiapine dose has now been maxed out at 800mg per day. The doctor is going to speak to Alder to see if Keri's allowed back as the wait for specialist advice and assessment is going to take several months and the acute ward is making Keri extremely depressed. I'm just worried about Sally. We've been on this ward for a month. Just because Sally hasn't been able to get out and try killing Keri's parents does that mean everything's going to be all better and changed if she manages to get back onto the rehab ward? I don't think so. A nurse should also have phoned Keri's foster mum as Keri asked about home leave again. I'm doubting they bothered to phone her as I don't think they did last time. Or they might've done. I'm not sure. Me and David are missing bits because of trying to deal with Sally.

Speaking of her, she tried getting over the fence this evening and it was seriously raining. Sally has the strength to get over (whereas Keri needs a bin or something to help as she's a bit of a weakling due to no food etc etc) but if you've got no grip you've got no chance. This got Sally really annoyed but she was out long enough for me and David to pull her back in. I had wondered whether something was going to happen as she'd been suspiciously quiet. Keri doesn't know that Sally tried absconding but I think me or David will get around to telling her at some stage tonight. It's pointless removing the bin from the garden as Sally didn't even bother getting it. She just ran at the fence, jumped and grabbed the top of the fence. Maybe we should enter her for the Olympics! That would be cool. I wish someone was around to record these things on video. Sally would look like some kind of spider monkey.

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 2 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 156 - 10th January, Friday

Another late morning though I can't say I really blame Keri. Her hallucination of a non-existent crying baby kept her up most of the night. She didn't get to sleep properly until gone 7.30am, then the staff had to wake her up before 12pm so she could speak to Dr. Harland. Less than 4 hours sleep and Keri's spent half the day trying not to just go to bed. Now it's gone midnight and she's wide awake! I took the opportunity to have a cigarette before writing the blog and the body feels tired. I think it's Keri's mind that's racing a mile a minute that's keeping her awake.

She had a one to one with Dr. Harland instead of going into a ward round. I think she seems a nice woman. She definitely seems willing to learn more about DID so that Keri can be kept on this ward rather than be moved. There were a few moments where Keri just thought "well, what you said is just crap" but not as many moments as I thought there would be considering it's only the third time Keri's met with her.

Matt and Keri both reviewed my blog post from yesterday. Keri's not happy because she knows I'm honest about things that she'd like to keep quiet. For instance, the staff didn't know that if Keri seems unusually perky or happy that is normally quite a bad sign. Now they know. Which has also led to Keri's unescorted leave being taken away from her for the weekend. Let's face it, if Sally's going to walk out and help Keri with her suicide, she's going to walk out. Keri doesn't have the guts to leave without permission unless extremely distressed but Sally couldn't give a damn about the consequences. If I'm honest Keri would probably be glad if Sally got her to that remote bridge again. The downside to this is that it does take a while to get up there, even if Sally gets Keri up there without getting lost. At least the staff know that Keri understands her leave has been taken away so if they see her walk out the door then she'll have dissociated. God help them if they call "Keri" back inside the unit again!

Keri's psychotherapy session was actually quite constructive. Keri doesn't even have to express her depression or suicidality in words anymore, you can just tell by her posture. Her psychotherapist noted how unusually tense Keri looked compared to most of the other times they've had appointments together. People have been talking a lot about hope and stuff today and Keri's just not interested. Dr. Harland actually asked Keri whether she'd considered jumping off that bridge when she last ran away when there was no trains coming, the answer was an obvious yes. It appears, according to Keri's psychotherapist, that looking at the video that was recorded Keri had actually been sitting on that bridge for a while, not just the fifteen minutes we'd thought. She talked about how she'd been sitting perched on the edge just staring down at the tracks and how peaceful they were. Her psychotherapist said that it's possible Keri could've slipped into some kind of dissociative or trance-like state so that a lot of time went by but Keri didn't even realise. Put it this way, she was so fixated on that track she didn't even notice when a group of police officers gathered behind her did she?!

With spending a lot of time in her room, Keri's been struggling to stay awake so her key nurse, Emma, suggested getting one of her DVDs and putting it on in the main lounge and watch it with the staff. Most of the patients had gone on a day trip to Weymouth. Besides Keri, there were only two other patients on the ward, both of which were in their room a lot of the time. It was unusually quiet.

It's weird hearing Keri and Sally talking together at the moment because they're actually agreeing with each other! Agreeing on the wrong thing I'll admit that much, but they aren't arguing. That's one stressor gone. Although I prefer it when they're arguing, at least it shows Keri's got a bit of fight in her. She's playing on her guitar hero at the moment on her Wii. It's gone midnight and suddenly Keri's no longer tired. How the hell does that work? She needs something to be able to slow her mind down, although with the amount of medication she's on you'd think it would've been slowed down to the point she was a zombie... At least playing on her wii is keeping her distracted. So far, no hallucinated baby cries. Bonus.

Quick note, we still haven't heard anything back from the meeting that happened on Wednesday. The police haven't visited to talk to Keri and the ward manager. I'm probably right in assuming we probably won't know much about it until Monday. Everyone skives on a weekend!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 128

Written by Fox.

DAY 128 - 13th December, Friday

Keri finally met Dr. Harland today. On first impressions she seems nice but we've learned that first impressions are normally wrong. Me and Keri are both in agreement that in time we will find out she's completely clueless and has no idea on how to treat Keri while she's on the ward. Keri brought up the subject about leave as she was desperate to go to her foster parents' house for a few hours, even if it was just lying on the sofa watching TV. Dr. Harland rightly pointed out that banning her leave had been pointless as Sally had gone and left the ward on Tuesday anyway. So Keri now has her two half an hours a day to go to tesco, into Brislington or around Bristol (not very far in half an hour!) and in the hospital grounds. She's also able to take herself to occupational activities such as the yoga group and she's also wanting to attend the Hearing Voices group too (this is basically a social group where anyone who suffers with hallucinations, particularly auditory, can sit together and discuss things. People who don't suffer with this, or are carers etc cannot attend so it's purely for patients with these experiences plus the couple of members of staff that run it). Keri's allowed to go down to Woodside to do the therapies on the condition that the ward phone the OT (occupational therapy) department to say Keri's on her way, and for the OT department to phone the ward when Keri's on her way back. This is to keep Keri safe, otherwise she could have left to go to a two hour group, not attended and no one would realise until afterwards. Two hours is a long time! Her unescorted leave is only to be taken in daylight hours and she can't go if she's got a headache as this is normally a warning sign that Sally wants to come out. Finally, she's been granted three hours a week to go home with her foster family. Hopefully this can be changed for Christmas Day and Keri can spend the day there.

Liz came to pick her up early afternoon, after she'd been interrogated by the staff about Keri. I bet she had a lot of fun with that. Her leave was pretty normal. A normal family environment, not confined within the fences of a psych ward. Keri chatted a lot to her foster parents and also sat and watched some TV. She felt a bit odd being out of hospital but that house still feels like home to her. I don't think her foster parents realise how grateful Keri was that they took her home for a while. Keri told Dr. Harland that if she wasn't granted home leave then she'd go apeshit for the day. Liz also said this to them when she came to pick Keri up. Keri didn't even get into ward round until after midday so she was already thinking of ways of being completely rebellious (she was going to deliberately cause trouble due to the fact the cabin fever was really wearing her down, I think that's partly what's been causing all the crying episodes). Luckily that didn't happen!

Keri even got to see her kid foster brother, although technically they aren't supposed to see each other. Who cares? I don't see the issue with it, neither do Keri or her foster parents. Unfortunately Keri's key worker wrote out a risk assessment for her leave for when she goes home for a few hours. Obviously there are 'Risk to Self' factors: "...currently at high risk of self harm and suicide when dissociating mainly as Sally...". However they've also put her into the 'Risk to Others' category by stating: "...have grabbed knives with intent to use them while at your foster parents needing to be restrained by them". This was a one time incident when Sally came out last year the night before she was first admitted to an adult psychiatric hospital. I don't think this even needs to be written down on her risk assessment! But a nurse turned around to her this morning and said, "Keri, the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour". Really? Is that really true in this case? Either way it's written down officially in Keri's notes and there's nothing she can do about it. To tell you the truth, if that wasn't written down and Sally came out while Keri was on leave at her foster parents and went for the knives then a lot of people would be in deep trouble! 

This evening something has triggered Keri off but I really don't know what it is. She was fine when she got back to the ward from going home, she was fine for a couple of hours after that, but then for some reason she found herself curled up on the floor and not being able to stop crying. Trust me, she tried to stop. She wanted a cigarette and doesn't like people to know she's been crying. It took her nearly half an hour before she could wipe away the last of her tears and even then it was obvious she'd been crying. Her eyes were all red and puffy. Luckily when she went to smoke the staff were busy in the office and she used a door to go out to the garden that most of the other patients rarely use. It's bugging me though. I'm trying to find a trigger so I can write it down for Keri in the future but I can't find one anywhere!

But let's focus on the positives. Keri had a good time with her foster parents and has never appreciated a cup of tea more from Liz! Let's hope it's a regular thing, although they are very busy people so sometimes things do get in the way and Keri isn't able to see them. It's been three years pretty much now though so she's past the 'feeling rejected' stage. She doesn't take it personally, it just makes her appreciate the next visit even more.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 97

Written by Fox.

DAY 97 - 12th November, Tuesday

Well it's now been 4 days of ten minute observation and being confined to the ward. She hasn't been out at all today and she's starting to get extremely jealous seeing everyone being discharged and going out on leave, most on their own, some with staff. I don't blame them for not letting her out though. She's a high risk, way too high. She was also annoyed to find out that there were only three people on ten minute obs (they don't check the HDU every ten minutes anymore). Keri is one of them and the only reason the other three are is because they're new on the ward. That's really gotten to her.

When she woke up this afternoon she self harmed barely an hour after she got up. She went to the staff who gave her her medication and managed to steri-strip the wound, however it's still gaping. It would've been better being stitched. Then she self harmed again this evening. Blondie gave her her 1am medication and steri-stripped the wounds on her wrist. If she gets any more anxious again then the night staff want her to ask for some Lorazepam if she wants to self harm again. I think that'll work. Keri's looking for drugged up numbness at the moment. That's what the staff want as well until things are more stable!

Keri's solicitor visited this afternoon and has put in another application for Keri to have a tribunal which surprised us because we had been told we weren't allowed to, but apparently we can. She also said that if Keri wanted to cancel it she'd just have to say so. Her solicitor did say that the likelihood of her getting a tribunal this month wasn't going to happen. It'll be at least the middle of December, possibly even January. She did have some interesting thoughts though. The idea was that Keri was to go to the rehab ward in the hospital so that Keri can learn to do day to day things, such as taking medication, not isolating herself, eating, getting a sleep routine etc. The problem her solicitor spotted was that she thought maybe it would be better if Keri went to a more specialist place that specifically deals with dissociative disorders that can help her with her mental health needs instead of just practical skills. Most of the people on these wards are schizophrenic, or have depression, or bipolar. Most staff have never even heard of DID let alone treated someone with it. Her solicitor and an independent social worker are going to do some research.

Keri's ward round was pretty much a one to one with her psychiatrist. Everyone else was dealing with a patient. I felt Keri's sympathy. He was so terrified and frightened and Keri was the only one who won't back away from him when he gets close as they're frightened of him! Poor Keri felt so sorry for him. He's in seclusion now but she asked Blondie about whether he was okay when she was getting her wounds sorted. 

Anyway, Keri's psychiatrist has decided to put up her dose of antipsychotics again. Drugs, drugs and more drugs. I really hope someone can find her a specialist unit. That's if she doesn't kill herself before things are arranged! :(

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 40

Written by Fox.

DAY 40 - 16th September, Monday

All the days are just rolling into one. Keri hasn't stopped hallucinating all day and she's getting quite freaked out. She went to the supermarket with the intention of running off but found out that Jay was taking her. He left her for a few minutes to go down another aisle and Keri dissociated. I don't know who came out but it wasn't for long and I have no idea what they did. All I remember is Keri realising what happened, running back to where she thought her basket was, grabbing it and then shooting off to the chocolate aisle. Luckily enough it was only seconds before there was the sound of frantic jangling keys as Jay found her. She got safely back at the hospital anyway.

Keri's idea was to start a starvation diet today. Clarissa had other ideas and decided to fill Keri's basket with chocolate and sugar. So Keri spent the evening puking in the toilet. Not so fun as I've had to look after poor Jimmy and his sore throat.

Keri filled out the screening tools from the Pottergate Centre that Remy Aquarone sent, who's actually in telephone contact with Keri's psychotherapist. Keri wants to print off a copy once the answers have been assessed and give it to her psychiatrist. Even though it's plainly obvious Keri has DID and everyone knows this, Keri still bugs her psychiatrist about it because she's ignorant to dissociative disorders by the sounds of it, to the point many of us want to hit her. Yes, we're getting treatment but Keri wants her psychiatrist on board considering she's going to remain Keri's official psychiatrist when she's not in hospital. There's not much option for Keri to change psychiatrists as her care co-ordinator wants her under the care of a consultant because of the complexity, rather than one of the junior psychiatrists. It's bloody complicated!

Keri's ward round is tomorrow and I can already tell that tensions are high. Well, technically it's today as its 2am and I've only just been able to get round to writing this blog post! If Keri isn't going to be given any unescorted leave she's going to go mental. The problem is, they won't give her any until she's no longer in denial! I think tomorrow will be mainly to discuss changes in medication.

If I don't post tomorrow it means Keri's gone mental...

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 28

Written by Fox.

DAY 28 (4 weeks) - 4th September

Keri was up pretty early today as she didn't sleep too well. The fact she was going to be given another mental health act assessment today was really getting to her. She wanted to be up so that it might be possible to see the doctors in the morning as she was planning to go on home leave in the afternoon. Unfortunately, her foster mum was tied up and wasn't going to be able to get down to get Keri to take her for some home leave. Keri loves her foster parents to bits and got quite upset to begin with. She's feeling more and more like a caged animal. Her foster mum has got a 2 day training course tomorrow and Friday which means any hope of Keri seeing her foster family isn't going to be until the weekend! That was the main reason she was so upset. She even put her foster mum's teddy at the back of her wardrobe behind all the DVDs and took off her bracelet and threw it behind the DVDs to join the teddy. I tried to keep her calm but she just wouldn't stop crying. I know that it wasn't just all because she wasn't able to go home for a few hours, it's everything that's built up and it all just came out in tears. Her foster mum not being able to take her home was, what's the saying? The straw that broke the camel's back. 

Her mental health act assessment was late afternoon and she was seen by two doctors and an approved mental health professional (aka an AMHP) with Brian sitting in as one of the nurses. One of the doctors was Dr. Dickhead (Keri's nickname for him not mine!). He's the head consultant psychiatrist on the ward. As soon as Keri saw him she thought she'd be able to be discharged. Dr. Dickhead is well known for keeping people in hospital only as an emergency, ESPECIALLY when it comes to keeping people on a section. She thought she was on to a winner! The meeting started out by each of them introducing each other and then Dr. Dickhead started his spiel. I was listening very intently but Keri was barely concentrating. At some stage she'll find this blog post and realise what the hell he was saying!

"Right, Keri, do you know this is a mental health act assessment?" he asked. When Keri nodded he continued. "Well, you were admitted on a section 2 which was mainly for assessment and treatment if we thought you needed it. This assessment is basically to decide what's going to happen now that the 28 days is due to expire. There are four choices here. The first is for me to discharge you and continue treatment at home with your care coordinator and art therapist. The second is for me to discharge you on a Community Treatment Order which means you'll be discharged only if you follow certain conditions such as continuing your medication and going to appointments, if you don't stick to these then we can readmit you back into hospital on a section. The third option is that you stay voluntarily. The final option is that we transfer you to a section 3 which means we can treat you here for up to 6 months. We know already about your DID but this admission is mainly to determine whether we need to keep you here to treat you for a co-morbid psychotic illness. Did you understand all that?"

No, you idiot, of course she didn't. She hardly heard a word. The interview wasn't too long and Keri barely said much. I wouldn't say it even lasted 20 minutes and that was mainly Dr. Dickhead talking! Even so, once they'd finished they said they were going to discuss things for ten minutes and then one of them would come and tell her the outcome. After about 20 minutes the AMHP came in and told Keri that it had been decided that she was deemed as having a psychotic illness that needed to be treated and she was being placed on a section 3. She was still not going to be allowed any leave from the ward without being escorted by staff or a responsible adult (e.g. her outreach worker, her foster parents etc) that could keep an eye on her for any signs that she might do something dangerous like sticking a power drill to her head or running off to the suspension bridge, just a couple of many examples.

Keri was gutted about the outcome. She knows she's going to be here for a while as she isn't even allowed out alone yet. A staff member took her to the supermarket to get some chocolate (Clarissa was screaming for it) and when she got back the physiotherapist then turned up! So she was off to the gym to do her core stability exercises to sort out her joints and that kind of thing. By the time she was taken back to the ward she just wanted to cry her little heart out again. So she got in, hid under her desk and sat there for half an hour crying. She did feel a bit better because it let out a lot of frustration.

Thankfully she hasn't kicked off today. I think she knew deep down that she wouldn't be going home after what they'd said in her ward round yesterday. Sally has been unusually quiet which is normally a sign she's plotting something. Wait, normally? I mean ALWAYS!!! But for now things are calm. She's had all her medication, she's watching Alan Carr's Spexy Beast DVD which she bought today and overall trying to maintain her calm front. She doesn't want anyone to see how miserable she really is. It's unfortunately gotten to the point where Keri is now thinking, in no uncertain terms, "if I don't get this bug out of my head soon I'm just going to kill myself". I hope to god that no one accidentally leaves her unescorted for now. She's like a bubbling volcano of emotions. It's horrible to sit here and not be able to do anything about it.

I'm so glad I've got you guys being so supportive. The DID page is really helping me cope by knowing I'm helping others when I feel helpless in regards to Keri!

P.S Her care coordinator visited but I wasn't really around. All I know is Keri was getting seriously tetchy because her care coordinator kept trying to convince her that the bug in her head was a build up of stress, much like her art psychotherapist telling her the bug is 'metaphorical'...

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 6

Written by Fox.

DAY 6 - 13th August

Today was totally and utterly outrageous (if you exclude the fact she had three visitors).

Tuesday is Keri's ward round. She's been waiting for an opportunity to speak with the overseeing psychiatrist since the day she got here. Finally, this afternoon she saw him. She wasn't even in there five minutes and I mean that quite literally. This is the conversation that happened, word for word. Just for those that don't know, Dr. W has a big projector on his wall linked to the computer so he can pop up any page and it projects on the wall.

- cue Keri enters room

Dr. W: "Hi again, Keri. I see you've dyed your hair since I last saw you when you were admitted."

Keri: "Yeah."

Dr. W (to the nurse at the computer): "Can you bring up Keri's notes please?"

Dr. W: "Is there any questions you want to ask, Keri?"

Keri: "When can I leave?"

Dr. W: "Well, you can leave whenever you want. You're voluntary aren't you?"

Keri: "No."

Dr. W: "Oh, have you ever been sectioned before? When was the last time?"

Keri: "A few years ago."

Dr. W (to the nurse at the computer): "Can you bring up Keri's section history please?"

Dr. W: "Well, I think it was agreed last time that hospital isn't the best place for you so I will have to try and speak to your care co-ordinator. Are you willing to stay as an informal patient?"

Keri: "No."

Dr. W: "Okay, then this will have to be carefully planned. Thanks for coming, Keri. I'm on holiday next week so there'll be a different psychiatrist seeing you."

Keri: "Okay, bye."

- cue Keri leaves room.

Not once did he ask about her symptoms and not once did he ask how she was feeling. Keri had promised her foster mum that she'd be honest about her symptoms with the psychiatrist. How is she supposed to be honest about them when the questions aren't even asked? Keri isn't going to openly bring up the topic herself! So that was an absolutely pointless waste of time. 

As soon as that ward round finished Keri had another crying episode and ended up sitting in the garden with a nurse (let's call him Vex). Vex kept trying to argue with Keri's delusions and hallucinations which has made her even more distrusting of the staff. Keri told Vex that she didn't belong in the hospital as she isn't ill like everyone else appears to be. That was when Vex decided to turn around and say she was suffering with paranoid psychosis and lacks insight into reality. That's not the way to tell a delusional person something like that! She's now gone into complete suspicious mode. Vex told her to try writing down her feelings so a couple of hours later she ended up handing in a page of doodles about what she was seeing and how she wanted to get the insect out and such. Whether anyone is going to speak to her about this or not I do not know.

The only thing that helped Keri today was her visitors; her Personal Advisor (PA) from social services and her old respite carers, T&D. All of them managed to get a smile out of her. T&D even managed several laughs! For a moment she forgot about her paranoid psychosis and actually laughed. Now she's back to sitting in her room wondering who she can even trust at the moment. Her section still hasn't been lifted and all she wants to do is climb over the fence (which she tried to do the other day). The problem is Sally would love to do this too and has about 8 times the strength Keri has which means she'd climb that fence like a cat. The down side to Keri being so skinny is she's about the only patient on the ward that can actually fit their fingers through the gaps in the wired fence to grip enough to climb it! 

Phew. I feel a little better now I've ranted all that out. Thanks blogger! And thanks to all the wonderful messages we've been getting through the DID page. The support has been amazing and it's very appreciated. :)