Sectioned in Hospital - 2 years 10 months 6 days

Written by Fox.

What can I say? Most things are getting pretty positive right now! 

We had our CPA last Tuesday and it went well. We just have to wait for a bed now so we can go back to the rehab unit back in Bristol. I'm hoping it'll give me more of a chance to see our foster parents too. As Keri only goes once a fortnight we try not to hog the spotlight and leave them to it. I think of all the time we've gone home I've only seen them twice. Maybe three times. It'll be nice to see them again. But anyway, the problem is we don't know how long it's going to take for us to get a bed. It could be a couple of weeks, it could be a couple of months. Everyone agreed that this environment is now doing more harm than good. We have no time frame. All we know is that we're currently second on the waiting list. We're trying to stay positive even though at times it's been difficult.

We are continuing our CAT and MBT with our therapist. Keri saw her today actually. We were all a bit peeved with her as she said in the CPA that we are all 'parts of Keri'. It almost made it sound like we weren't even real. That really hacked us off. We were open with the therapist about it today and she clarified that that isn't what she meant and apologised for making us all upset. We discussed it in one of our daily meetings. I'm glad she's one of the people in the world that actually listens rather than talks down at you. She takes our opinion as a whole and doesn't single us out if we've done something wrong. I like her. It'll be a shame when we leave as we've all grown to trust her now.

The only thing that's really gone downhill is Keri's fluid intake. Food is, overall, better than it has been in a long time and that's pretty much down to a lot of encouragement from staff and, sometimes, it means the rest of us coming out from time to time and actually eating for her. Her weight is now stable as she's trying her hardest to stop making herself sick after meals or, well, food in general. She has a care plan in place e.g. handing in her toilet key for an hour, not being allowed to her room as it has a sink in it etc. She's really struggling but credit to her, she's doing really well with that which means she's currently a stable and healthy weight. Over the last several days her fluid intake has been minimal which has resulted in her blood pressure dropping too low over the last few days. Due to this she isn't allowed her unescorted leave. This isn't a punishment, it's just that if any of us start feeling weak and dizzy and we aren't with staff than we're a bit screwed really. Despite this she still managed to get out today in group leave as staff were going to be there. 

She hasn't presented too well over the last few days, seriously low in mood, switching all over the place. Our therapist said this was to be expected. Hopefully, with our usual hard work, we can get back into the swing of things in the next few days. I'm remaining positive. I know how strong we all are. I know what we've fought through. We've done it this long, why shouldn't we be able to do it now?

Attitude Adjustment

Written by Fox.

We have had a good few months. We got assessed by the manager of Alder Unit along with the psychiatrist. I, personally, have not met the psychiatrist, though I knew the manager, but Keri knew both of them. Overall it was good, and Keri was very honest. We all agreed beforehand that things should be honest and open, even if it's something bad, otherwise we won't get the help and support we genuinely need. The manager said he was willing to give Keri a chance and decided he was going to come to Keri's CPA on Tuesday to decide what's going to happen. Everyone is expecting the transition stage of moving to happen very soon, like decided at the CPA. That's what everyone involved is expecting anyway. Reading Keri's reports, there doesn't seem to be much going on in the way of incidents. In fact, most of the incident forms that have been filled out involve me and not Keri! Everyone agrees that Keri staying here, along with us, is now doing more harm than good and is detrimental to our mental health. 

We no longer need this kind of security because, be amazed, we've gotten somewhere with Sally! Oh yes, what we used to class as the destructive demon teenager is now no longer so destructive. Therapy has finally helped us. For those that don't know, Keri has been working with her psychologist using a cognitive analytic model and a structural dissociation model, whatever the hell that means. Anyway, because of all Keri's hard work with her psychologist Sally is now willing to listen to what we have to say. Our attitude towards her has changed, we don't hate her because of what she does anymore, so her attitude towards us has changed too. Don't get me wrong, we are still having problems as she's never been able to build trust with anyone because as soon as someone meets her they get pushed away because she's so angry and violent. The only people that stuck by us is Keri's foster parents. Even Keri's mum is starting to understand a bit more than she used to. Keri will never leave Liz and Phil as she's adopted them as parents, much like I have, but her relationship with her biological mum has improved loads after they had a no contact agreement for six months. This is even after Sally went and tried to kill her. 

Our psychologist has stuck by us through thick and thin, no matter what's been thrown at her. Keri trusts her, I trust her, many of the others trust her. It's going to be hard changing psychologists when we all move but the one thing that needs to stay consistent is that Sally is listened to and respected. If that's the case then she has less reason to act out. She's not perfect, none of us are, but it'll be an even bigger breakthrough when Sally meets someone she trusts. That'll take a long long time but I'm feeling optimistic! Wish us luck for our meeting on Tuesday!

Medication and D.I.D.

Medication can be both helpful and unhelpful when it comes to the treatment of D.I.D. There is no such thing as a magic cure and there currently is no form of psychiatric medication that stops switching completely. Medication is normally used in conjunction with therapy (whether that be EMDR, MBT, CBT, DBT, CAT etc). While medication cannot really help stop switching it can be used to treat co-occurring mental health problems that go alongside DID. It is rare for someone with DID to not have another disorder alongside it. Some disorders that can occur can include - but not limited to - borderline personality disorder, psychotic disorder, depression, bipolar, eating disorders and PTSD. 

I asked some people that have DID to tell me what medication they take and whether it helps. Many of them felt the medication helpful in treating symptoms that were caused by another disorder, such as depression or psychosis. However, a few people thought that medication could do more harm than good. It is hard for someone with DID to be put on medication when their switching has become out of control and frequent as many alters may have differing views on medication which could mean some alters stash medication, fail to take them completely or alter the dosage they are supposed to have.

Here is a very short list of the medication a dozen people I asked are on. These are just a few examples of the kind of medication someone with DID can take (and the reason why) if they have symptoms that are affecting their day to day life (not including the rapid switching of alters);

Psychosis - Amisulpride, Olanzapine, Quetiapine, Clopixol, Risperidone, Geodon

Depression - Mirtazapine, Sertraline, Venlafaxine, Florouxetine, Wellbutrin, Effexor

Mania - Lamictal

Anxiety - Diazepam, Lorazepam, Promethazine, Ativan, Visteril

Taking medication is assessed on an individual basis. What works for one person may not work for another and you may have to try many if you are thinking of going down that road. Some people are quite content about being on no medication and that opinion is also perfectly valid. I, personally, have gone through over a dozen different combinations of tablets before settling on the medication I am on now that seems to be working. I'm one person with DID that needs medication to function day to day.

Always consult a psychiatrist before taking any psychiatric medication, altering your dose, or weaning off any of your medication.

Sectioned in Hospital - 2 years 7 months

Written by Fox.

A lot has happened since September and most of it is good! Keri now has unescorted leave (despite it being repeatedly taken away and given back after a period of time). We have also had a tribunal and a discharge plan which I'll talk more about in a minute. The dissociating has been all over the place. I haven't been well lately as me, along with some of the other alters, have been helping sort out Sally so that she doesn't carry on being a homicidal psycho. I've been self harming. Even though I've been encouraging Keri not to! I've found that if I'm writing blog posts or diary entries (separate to Keri's stuff) then things aren't so bad and I can distract myself from my head when it's spinning around.

We had a tribunal at the beginning of December. There was three members of the panel, our solicitor, Keri's brother, a nurse from the ward and the psychiatrist (which Keri gets along well with now, whereas in the beginning she wouldn't even look him in the eye!). They had a chat to begin with before Keri, Jamie and the nurse went in. There was no need for anyone to get nervous really as they'd already made their decision by the time we walked into the conference room! Keri wanted to move on to a locked rehab unit rather than wait until her CPA in March for things to start moving. The panel consisted of a solicitor, a psychiatrist and a social worker. They all agreed Keri was ready to move and that things should start rolling now rather than waiting until March. It was the outcome that everybody was looking for. Afterwards, to celebrate, Keri went out on her unescorted leave with Jamie.

Despite it being a good outcome, things seemed to deteriorate quite quickly with regards to us coming out and the self harm that was happening at those times. Keri had quite a chat with her psychiatrist and her therapist (a new one she started seeing in September as the other went on maternity leave). She gets along well with her therapist and after all the conversations, it was decided that if Keri stayed until June and carried on therapy to try and understand the switching of us coming out then the psychiatrist would look at the open rehab at our last hospital, rather than spending a year in locked rehab before moving to open anyway. We had a meeting with Pathfinders (an agency in our last area who get involved when it's time for someone to move on somewhere else) and it was more officially decided. 

During Keri's CPA in March it was pretty much set in stone that we're all going to be moving back to the open rehab we had been in a couple of years ago at the previous hospital we were in. We weren't ready for it then with Sally being completely out of control but things seem to have calmed down a bit now on that front. As long as Keri continues therapy with her therapist then we can all go! In a couple of weeks we're being assessed again to go back to Alder Unit (the open rehab ward in our last hospital). It's quite reassuring for Keri as she knows both the psychiatrist and the ward manager who are coming. I'll be writing another blog post soon after we're assessed.

How is therapy going? Pretty good. Right now Keri is working with her therapist about understanding why we come out and why we do what we do. At first we were all dead set against Keri talking about this as we thought she wanted to get rid of us. Keri's therapist has been very reassuring though and has told us that it isn't the case we're being gotten rid of. That's not going to happen. They're just discussing why it happens. Some of the alters are still against Keri talking about us but there are several of us who understand it's not to be nasty or anything. It's just to try helping limit the negative behaviours when some of them come out, like with Sally and her homicidal thoughts. As long as none of my friends are threatened I don't mind Keri talking about us.

Sectioned in Hospital - 2 years 30 days

Written by Fox.

What a start to September. Another month gone. Time is disappearing quickly!

Keri went to her first PTSD group on Thursday which went quite well in Keri's opinion. It was a bit slow in my opinion; talking about rules and introductions and the content of the group. I think Keri was just glad to know there were other people there which I think is also a good thing. It makes her feel less alone. Everyone needs support sometimes.

Keri got struck down with a fluey head cold this week. She spent all day in bed on Friday because she was aching so much. It's rare to see her in bed for 36 hours. On the positive side, the staff waited on her hand and foot; getting her drinks, bringing up her medication... She's still feeling a bit rough but a lot better than she was.

I feel quite optimistic about things at the moment. We've managed to keep hold of Sally and stop her wreaking havoc amongst the other patients. Speaking of which, a new one arrived on Thursday. I haven't formed an opinion yet. She hasn't caused any incidents yet. About incidents, Keri self harmed on Thursday! The first time in months! Luckily it wasn't classed as an 'incident' but Keri was gutted that she'd broken her stride. Hopefully she can get back on track again so she doesn't feel so badly about it.

Things are looking pretty good. There's always going to be blips but as long as we all keep trying to work together than the blips won't turn into relapses.

Managing Triggers

(C) GOT PARTS? BY ATW

Triggers are something that remind you of, or bring you back to, an emotional or psychic place of remembering something about the traumatic event(s) in your past.

Triggers vary greatly from person to person, and from alter to alter. A person (or part) may or may not be aware of what their triggers are, or why they are triggers. Triggers are specific to that person's/alter's experience. Something which is very triggering to one person or alter may not be a trigger to anyone else, perhaps not even to anyone else in one's own system. Triggers usually involve one or more of the five senses: sight, sound, taste, touch or smell.

One basic way to begin learning to manage triggers is to have each part make a list of what their triggers are, understanding this list may grow longer as the therapeutic process progresses. This is not because you're 'getting worse', but is because your bank of self-knowledge and self-awareness is growing. This is a good thing, because the more you know, the less chance you have of being blindsided by something on the future.

Each alter can share their list with others inside, and as co-consciousness and the level of trust between parts increases, you all can find ways of helping each other when one or more parts get triggered.

It will be important to share your lists of triggers with your therapist, who will have additional ideas on how to work to get them to a manageable level. However, please remember there is no magic answer, no quick fix to any of this. It comes down to doing hard and challenging work, seeing what works for others, and sometimes, plain old trial and error.

We are not isolated in the effects our triggers have. People around us, and those we are in some type of relationship with are also affected when we are triggered, or when we learn to deal with our triggers.

One system had this to say about triggers...

"People have different triggers. It would be helpful to discuss these things. Allow yourself some room to avoid certain triggers while working on becoming comfortable with a physical environment that has been involved in previous hurts. It's very possible to overcome these triggers with work and support. Believe in yourself!"

While some triggers may never totally go away, over time you can figure out what works, and so to get to a place where the effects of triggers don't have to be as devastating or disabling.

Sectioned in Hospital - 2 years 20 days

Written by Fox.

Keri's been pretty out of it today. She's spent most of her time hidden in her bedroom and only spent a few hours downstairs (and even then she sat in the kitchen away from everyone). I've had to completely take control in regards to her eating. She did perk up a bit after her brother rang which I was hoping for. Just goes to show how important family is to Keri. 

One of the psychologists came to see Keri today. She's being offered a place in a new group that starts next week. It's about dealing with trauma and PTSD. There's only several patients going out of all four wards. A nice quiet group by the sounds of it. I hope the rest of us are welcome as well. A lot of us need help with trauma stuff but I don't know whether we will get any support if we come out in the group. It's ten weeks long so that's not much time for Keri to learn skills let alone the rest of us!

Sectioned in Hospital - 2 years 19 days

Written by Fox.

Keri saw her psychologist and she had a good chat. Keri has a significant day coming up that is related to something bad happening a while back and it's getting her down. Her psychologist suggested that because she currently has poor coping skills she should rely on medication to let her sleep for the day, or 'have a day off' so to speak. I think this is probably best until Keri has some better coping mechanisms. At the moment she resorts to self harm, absconding (although this place is almost impossible to run away from), ligaturing or dissociating. Besides dissociating (although I may be a bit biased!) all of these are pretty unhealthy and we all want Keri to be safe. Her psychologist has actually read some of my blogs which I'm quite chuffed about. Besides that, Keri has been napping and watching Dr. Who. What a life. I don't blame her for wanting to be out learning to drive and working her socks off for minimum wage!

Sectioned in Hospital - 2 years 17 days

Clarissa is happy. Keri got her some false nails and she put them on yesterday although Keri isn't into that kind of thing. I'm not either but we all have to live in one body! The nails only cost seven pounds. One of the staff is a beautician so she did the nails back on the ward. I have to admit they look pretty. Even better for Clari is she gets to put on Keri's makeup for her with the agreement that it's not pink. A little cooperation goes a long way to making our life easier.

Keri has been out twice in the last couple of days. She went out with her brother yesterday and out for a bus assessment with O.T. (Occupational Therapy) today. She had a pretty good day yesterday with regards to her dissociation but it's all gone a bit messed up today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Penny, Chantelle and Emmy are still pretty dominant personalities right now. It's pressing down on Keri a lot now and her healthy streak is going a bit downhill. She's still drinking water and not smoking but her food intake is getting lower. I'm hoping it's just a blip.

Sectioned in Hospital - 2 years 2 weeks

Written by Fox.

Keri has actually had a good day today if you exclude her excessive dissociating (which she feels less embarrassed about it after talking to staff). She's baked cupcakes and even ate one without my help, she's played pool, she's been playing card games... She hasn't even used her bedroom access until about 7pm this evening so she hasn't isolated herself either. She's been drinking water all day again and I've got her to eat. You don't see her wandering around without a water bottle in her hand much nowadays, it's a little obsessive. She's currently watching Dr. Who in her room and pleasantly calm. She's getting a little irritated about how much she's having to rewind the episodes while she's dissociating but that's normal for us at the moment. One staff member has actually noticed when Keri's getting a bit out of it and has been really helpful today trying to keep her grounded. Overall a pretty good day!

Sectioned in Hospital - 2 years 13 days

Written by Fox.

It was a good chance for Keri to have a better mood today as her brother came down to see her in town. She went on leave and they spent some time in Costa and also browsed shops. Keri did some retail therapy. Unfortunately her switching started happening while we were in Costa. Good on Keri's brother though for noticing when it was happening. Maybe people who know what Keri is like notice after all. She looks a bit confused and goes quiet, thinks she's in the middle of a conversation when she isn't... We've found out now that Penny constantly wears glasses so on the ward they're constantly on and off Keri's face. Chantelle has eyes that dart everywhere as she's a bit paranoid. We don't know about Emmy yet. This alter stuff is a full time job right now! 

Keri's started being really healthy physically. She's actually started trying to look after herself amidst all the chaos. She's drinking water a lot, going to the gym five times a week, eating meals (with a lot of my help), showering every day and trying to get a decent night of sleep. She hasn't smoked since 1st August which is three weeks nicotine free! Cold turkey! That's her focus while everything else is haywire. That's her control. It's a good form of control too, not her usual 'I'm not going to eat for weeks' kind of control. She's even getting up early in the morning, no matter what time she goes to bed. Her symptoms of psychosis and disordered eating have dampened down. It's only the dissociative symptoms that she's currently struggling with. The problem is, if her dissociative symptoms calm down then something else normally crops up. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that.

Sectioned in Hospital - 2 years 12 days

Written by Fox.

It's been a long time since I last wrote a blog post. It's not been long since I've been able to get back online again. I'm hoping I can get back into things. So do you guys want an update on what's been going on before I start writing about D.I.D again? I guess I should start with an update today and see how it goes. I'm a bit rusty at this writing thing. 

We are now in a secure hospital and have been for the last ten months. It's a lot different to our last hospital. Overall it's gotten a lot better in the last couple of months. During the first several months we had serious problems but we are making progress now (although right now we've hit a bit of a blip). We now have home leave every two weeks and Keri sees her brother every week as well. I'm glad Keri is seeing her brother so frequently as it does her good, so does seeing her foster parents every fortnight. Her brother travels a few hours on the train to even get to Wales to spend time with his sister. If you're reading this then I'm grateful that you do that for her!

Her switching between us is a bit problematic at the moment. There are several of us coming out and constantly changing. I can't even make heads or tails of it let alone Keri! She's spoken to her forensic psychologist about it and she's confused too. I'm only coming out with David to try to regain some control. Several of the alters are quite subtle in their switches so it's hard to tell the difference. I don't think Keri's foster parents are even able to tell the difference as she's switched a couple of times when she's gone to visit them. It's frustrating Keri as no one is able to tell her what's going on. I'm normally her first point of contact, along with David, but we only know the names of the alters. We don't know them very well at all. They're called Penny, Chantelle and Emmy. We don't even know the day or time anymore! If anyone knows how to deal with this then please get in touch as Keri hasn't had switching and amnesia this bad since she was quite young.

I hope you're all well. Me and Keri are back online to answer messages and to date the D.I.D page now. Unfortunately no one can do any videos as cameras aren't allowed into the hospital.

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 2 months

Written by Fox.

Keri has spent half her time freaking out over her hallucinations and flashbacks. She keeps getting restrained. In less than a week the staff had to hold her down on the floor so that they could inject her with sedatives, this happened twice on different days. She's convinced that her dad has associates working inside the hospital to keep an eye on her and she's also made a 'friend' called Charlie. He's a hallucination but she doesn't realise. She's being sucked into another stress induced psychosis and no one is doing anything! When she's not being restrained she's still trying to search the hospital for her dad as apparently Charlie has told her he's hiding in a room at the end of the men's corridor which means the staff are repeatedly having to put her in safe holds and take her out of the corridor and try convincing her she's safe. Seriously, the staff talking to her is like talking to a brick wall. She hardly even knows where she is most of the time and is getting pretty disorientated a lot.

Yesterday she finally snapped because the staff kept saying Charlie wasn't real and that she was being paranoid. She thought they were being 'patronising twats'. She ended up on top of her wardrobe again and refused to go near the staff. It took a lot of persuasion but she did finally get down as soon as IH mentioned that if this all keeps happening and her mental health doesn't improve then they'll have no choice but to transfer her to the psychiatric intensive care unit next door to the unit we are on at the moment. The staff and Keri (and me for that matter) all know that if she's transferred over there she will get even worse. Sally also classes that as a threatening environment and she will fully take over Keri's personality which means things will end up involving a bloody forensic hospital!

On a good note, Keri's face is starting to heal up. It's still obviously very scarred but she's also given up smoking! It's been a whole week since she last had a cigarette. Her psychiatrist has prescribed nicorette patches and she has her electronic cigarette as well. She's doing amazing considering the horrible time she's been having. Honestly, there's no point in even arguing with her delusions as she starts getting really defensive and upset, especially if anyone uses the word 'psychosis'. She's on the maximum dose of Olanzapine anyway so I don't understand how she is still experiencing all this! Hopefully when she has her CPA tomorrow her psychiatrist will do something about it as everyone is very worried about her.

She's pretty much out of money until Friday (she spent a fair amount on cigarettes before she gave up and gets paid every two weeks), so she's also worried that she can't buy one of her family a birthday present and get it to him on time. Though hopefully she'll be allowed a home visit so she can give it to him. She's got until 13th October anyway so I think I need to tell her to stop worrying about it! 

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 16 days

Written by Fox.

Keri woke up this morning with her eye so swollen she could barely even open it. This was due to the burns she's inflicting near her eyes. The staff have let her have her lighter but she's burned herself twice today and it was during the daylight hours! The staff have her lighter now, though they've only had it for the last half an hour because Keri freaked out again but I'll get onto that later.

Extreme makeover for the hospital, courtesy of the CQC. Bathroom doors have been removed and protective sheets are now stuck on the windows, you can't see outside now! This has meant Keri's gone from having her bathroom kept locked all the time to having no door... Luckily she hasn't tried to use any ligatures today so still hoping she'll have a better night. She's had enough medication! They've doubled her dose of Olanzapine to the maximum 20mg and she's had a lot of PRN from when she's been hallucinating and freaking out.

Her first bad episode happened early afternoon when she was found by the physio huddled under her desk again, rocking and hyperventilating. Yet again unresponsive to verbal communication and even to physical contact for a bit as she was in a bad flashback. The physio managed to get through to her and took her out for a walk in the garden and a cigarette before she went inside and left Keri to it in her room. She's still on ten minute obs anyway. After this freak out Keri decided she was going to make a noose out of shoelaces 'just in case' and hid it. Unfortunately I can't do anything as she did it while me and David etc were busy dealing with Sally's emotions.

The second freak out she had was early evening when the staff found her rocking very violently on her bed and crying. It took a while yet again to get through to her but once they did they got her up for another cigarette and gave her some Lorazepam. It took a while for her to calm down again.

The worst freak out happened about an hour ago when Keri was deeply involved with a flashback. Instead of the usual responses of being disorientated and shouting at staff to 'stop that man taking her', she didn't. She was too deep within her flashback to know what was going on. The staff touched her and she instantly shouted that she had to catch her dad as he had her baby daughter in his arms and ran off. So Keri dumped the pills the staff had in her mouth, swallowed them and then rushed out of her door. She was looking everywhere for her dad even when the staff were trying to stop her. She was even barging into other patients' rooms! By the time it got to the point where she was going to raid the male corridor the staff shut the door to the corridor to physically stop her going down there and be able to sit her in a room with staff to get grounded. She can't remember half of what she did as it all turns into a blur. That's why the staff currently have her lighter due to her high risk presentation (well, higher than the usual high!).

Keri did manage to get out with IH again today to get a Costa but she was hallucinating and having flashbacks while she was out which hadn't happened before. Usually going out with IH is the break Keri needs from the ward to get some air and try to calm down, but this time it just stressed her out. Now she's scared to go out again. We don't need her turning agoraphobic again!

Is there something good I can say today? We're alive.

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 15 days

Written by Fox.

Well Keri was woken up at 11am for a ward round that was pretty unconstructive as her usual psychiatrist wasn't there. Unfortunately they had to discuss the possibility of having to go to ECH due to her state of mind right now. Because she was woken at 11am she ended up falling asleep in the afternoon which means she wasn't able to do her physio but did force herself to get out with IH (one of the two staff Keri most trusts, I'll use their initials for confidentiality) to get a coffee and some cigarettes.

Due to the fact it's being considered that she may have to go to ECH they got a nurse to come over from the unit to have a discussion about it. While he looked at the stuff in her room he just turned around and said Keri would hate it there, even if it was for a short amount of time (she wouldn't even be allowed her iPod unsupervised). This freaked Keri out a little bit but when she went out with IH he was very reassuring and explained that it wasn't another rejection and him and the rest of the staff are going to help support her as much as possible so that she doesn't get transferred.

By the time it hit around 7pm Keri really got bad and deteriorated very quickly. FF (the other one of Keri's most trusted member of staff) found her huddled underneath her desk, rocking and unresponsive. She did respond to physical touch after a while but she was really freaked out by seeing her daughter. She kept following Keri and every time she touches her Keri feels like it burns her and actually sees the handprint burned into her skin! FF managed to finally get her out from under her desk and down to the clinic room to get her some extra meds but Keri was getting worse. She ended up shooting across the room and hiding by a corner as she was still hallucinating her daughter. IH came in after a while to chat to Keri along with FF. 

No matter what people say to Keri she still feels like she's a monster. While her, IF and FF were in the clinic room, they were both trying to convince her that what happened wasn't her fault and that anybody who was in the situation Keri had been in wouldn't have been able to do anything much different. It didn't sink through though and she got freaked when her daughter started shouting that she made a dart out the clinic room and down the corridor to try and enter the pin to get out of the back door. This resulted in IF and FF having to restrain her, not in a bad way but more in a "you're not going anywhere" kind of way. After ten minutes of her refusing to go back down the corridor IF and FF had to force her along the corridor. When they got out onto the main ward area they sat Keri down in one of the dining room chairs as she was still an utter mess.

After FF deciding it was probably a good idea to have her anti-psychotics a bit earlier than normal, she took the medication and went outside with IH to have a couple of cigarettes and have a talk. She was still in tears. She stayed sat in the dining room on one to one with IH for a while with a cup of tea but she kept hallucinating and getting caught up in flashbacks which IH kept having to get her out of or reassure her. Several times she even started trying to claw out her eyes! While FF and IH were both with her they had to stop her by taking her wrists and moving them away from her eyes. It was horrible to see. One of the patients she gets along well with lingered around. He said to IH that he was sad and when IH asked him why he said it was because he could see his friend Keri so upset and distressed.

Keri's sat with staff watching Family Guy at the moment. She still keeps trying to claw at her eyes and getting caught up in flashbacks so it's good for her to have the company. She's not on one to one but the staff are trying to encourage her to use the emergency call button on her wall next to her bed. She's doing those loom band things to keep herself busy but is still distressed. Unfortunately we're one step closer to being transferred to ECH. Hopefully it doesn't happen but in my opinion, I think we'll end up there for a short while, medicated until she can't move...

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 2 weeks

Written by Fox.

Keri's been freaking out again today. She hasn't gone out at all as she was too scared to as she's seeing her daughter during the day now. She had her psychotherapy appointment which was mainly talking about the contact ban between her and her biological mum. She also had her daily physio and is still unfortunately having to remain on crutches whenever she has to go off the ward (she doesn't do much walking on the ward and they can be used as weapons so that's an issue too). The physio has started taking her to the gym now to strengthen her ankle so she'll be able to use it again properly without walking with her foot pointing out to the side.

Things started getting hard around 5PM. She started hallucinating. She distracted herself by decorating her walls with her drawings due to the fact she's going to be here at least another couple of months. The distraction didn't work for long and the staff found her huddled on top of her wardrobe again. It took medication and one of the staff talking to her for an hour before she finally got down and walked down to the nurses station to sit in there with her iPad and catch up on some programmes on iplayer. The staff were very good with her. There was someone there constantly and she got plenty of cups of tea! She was there for a good couple of hours but there was a stage where she freaked out again from hallucinating and shot underneath the desk crying as she was so scared. The member of staff who talked her down from the wardrobe managed to do the same thing talking Keri from getting out from underneath the desk and getting her back onto one of the chairs to carry on watching her programme. He even gave her one of his bars of chocolate! He's a lovely guy. He's the one that Keri's little brother has a crush on!

She's been on one to one smoking all day and isn't allowed her lighter. This has stopped her burning herself during the day but since the night shift started she's now burned her face three times and it's not even midnight. The staff come out and light her cigarette but she's lying to them and saying she's fine out there on her own. How the hell are they believing this?! It's barely 11.30pm and she's already burned three times! Hopefully the staff will catch on to that. They aren't idiots but sometimes I really get tired of them trying to take risks to assess Keri's capability of taking responsibility for herself. I know they have to so they know but Keri's not exactly going to wave her face at them and go "HEY LOOK WHAT IVE DONE". She'll just keep her hood up... Although even that doesn't really hide the burns very well.

She's got Family Guy on again! I'm beginning to love it. I like the world dominating baby and the talking dog. I don't know their names. Keri's obsessions are starting to rub off on me! In fact it's on now while I'm writing this!

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 13 days

Written by Fox.

I bet you were hoping I was going to write that things were getting better. No hope! She had brief respite when her brother came to visit yesterday. He distracted her and they were having a great laugh playing charades for a couple of hours but things got a bit dodgy when Keri started hallucinating. Her little brother was really good with her though and while they were at the desk he put his arm around her shoulder while she leaned his head on him. He was very reassuring and didn't seem to bat an eyelid even though she was hallucinating. He is truly Keri's rock.

Keri had a really good catch up with our foster mum as well which definitely lifted Keri's spirits for a few hours. I think she needed a good phone call. Our foster mum is still recovering but she's a lot better than she was! Keri is going to talk to the support worker here who does home visits that need to be escorted and hopefully they'll have a conversation about a home visit. Fingers crossed. Although with Keri's mental health at the moment it may turn out a bit awkward than normal. If anyone takes Olanzapine, I'd love your feedback about dosage and how it helped or effected you with psychotic symptoms.

Keri's still been burning her face every day with the exception of today. She's freaked out twice due to her hallucinating. She even ended up on top of her wardrobe shouting at her hallucinated daughter and throwing boxes. The staff had to get her down and get some medication in her as she was getting really upset and distressed. Her bedroom was then locked and Keri was out in the communal area with her iPad and headphones. It happened again a couple of hours ago when she went into her bathroom to wash. She hallucinated again and shouted out to the nurse just outside, despite the fact she was half naked... That's how freaked out she was! Dignity wasn't even an issue! Everyone's quite worried about Keri's mental health slowly getting worse. A lot of them have commented and have said they really don't like this. I don't blame them. She's back on one to one smoking. She was off it for a couple of days but due to the events of today the staff have had to take charge and responsibility as Keri is currently incapable of doing so.

Just have to keep praying that things will be okay. I read her care plan earlier and it mentioned that if Keri can't handle the responsibility of having her lighter etc then it's been discussed that she may have to be moved to ECH which is the psychiatric intensive care unit next door, otherwise known as a PICU. Let's hope it doesn't get to that point.

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 9 days

Written by Fox.

****** TRIGGER WARNING - Photos I took of Keri at the bottom again. Stop scrolling at the line of stars at the bottom of the post if you feel you may be triggered.

Keri has destroyed her face now all because of her being haunted by her daughter. The staff temporarily put in place that she couldn't have a lighter and had to go out on one to one while smoking but that still didn't stop her so now they've just given back her lighter. They know she'll do it even if they try putting things in place to stop her so it was pointless just restricting her more and more if things aren't helping. A lot of the staff do try doing one to ones at night though. On a couple of occasions Keri has dissociated into a trance and started rapidly writing all over the floor not realising what she was writing. The staff take a while trying to get Keri's attention as she's normally unresponsive until someone touches her but then she freaks out so I'm very glad the staff have gotten used to this and know to say who they are and where she is and give her some medication to keep her calm.

In her last ward round the psychiatrist has said that there's two locked units that he's going to refer Keri to. One is called Heatherwood Court (which is the preferable option for both Keri and the rest of her mental health team) and the other is St. Andrews. So it's a waiting game for a few more months again. Her psychiatrist also changed a lot of her medication in one session. He put her Diazepam back up to 30mg instead of continuing to wean off, he's put her straight onto 10mg of Olanzapine instead of Quetiapine, he's added another 50mg to her Sertraline dose... It's ridiculous. I'm wondering why Keri isn't in a coma half the time and why she still isn't sleeping! At about 11pm she was given 10mg Olanzapine, 10mg Diazepam, 2mg Lorazepam and 50mg Promethazine. Maybe I'm wrong but shouldn't Keri be asleep by now even though it's only been half an hour? They have given her a lot as she was crying and crying.. Staff even made her a nice hot chocolate. I can't emphasise how much they're really taking care of her. Plus she's still alive! Despite another ligature attempt.

She had a surprise visit from her old respite carers the other evening which was really nice for Keri. I haven't seen her laugh properly for weeks but they were really good at cheering her up. They've even offered to take her with them to their caravan once her mental health is better which Keri will love. 

I hope very much that Keri gets better soon. I know she's got a long way to go but at least getting her out of her depression and suicidality (including the stress-induced psychotic symptoms she gets). She's definitely not going to get any unescorted leave now it's decided she's going to a locked ward. Sally will take any chance to run.

And look at this! This arrived today for Keri. It was Jyestha's emergency care package that she sent. It's nine packets of timtams! Her brother might actually get to taste some on Saturday as Keri is pretty much fluid fasting, even though she just gave in to a cupcake her one to one brought in with a hot chocolate! Her body was craving sugar I think due to her crying.

At least we now know where Keri will be going and the waiting is the hard bit. The nurses are supportive and her bathroom is still locked and supervised. At least she's alive but at times it's just like she's a walking zombie. She spends most of her time lying or sitting on her bed. Her social life is limited as she's keeping herself withdrawn. Keep messaging her guys! Maybe it'll bring her out of her shell!

Will catch up with you soon guys!

**** Trigger Stars! Stop scrolling if you feel vulnerable. **************

This side is still swollen 😞

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 4 days

Written by Fox.

*****TRIGGER WARNING: Photo of Keri at the bottom of this post with the second-degree burns she's done over last night and the night before.*****

Well, with even more sleep deprivation I think Keri's setting the world record of how many times she can break down into tears in one day with staff having to try calming her down! She's very emotional right now which is another common side effect of not sleeping enough. After falling asleep at gone 3am she was back up before 6am. She was trying to force herself to stay awake but fell asleep for another hour at 8am. She's in serious need for some extra temporary sleep medication. The nurses said that even if the medication made her do nothing but be in bed for a few days it might calm down a lot of her symptoms.

Like I said last night about being very doubtful Keri was going to get through the night without any more burns on her face, well, I was right. I managed to get out for a minute or two to quickly nab a photo. That's why there's a trigger warning at the beginning of the post. The photo was taken this afternoon so won't include any damage tonight and, considering how much she's been crying about how horrible she is as a human being, I'm thinking she'll be adding more. I hope she doesn't go to the extent of having burns all over her face! I hate to see her in this state as it is!

She had a quick appointment with the physio today who gave her some mobility exercises to do for the next three days for when the physio starts seeing her again when she comes back into work on Tuesday. Her therapy session with her psychotherapist wasn't too successful. Keri went into a dissociative trance again and subconsciously started drawing while Fiona read to her for an hour. The rest of us could hear what Fiona was talking about but it felt like hearing it all underwater. She was trying to talk about coping with crisis. Despite Keri burning her face and trying to get away with ligatures, she's coping okay. Some people would be gobsmacked that I'd say that but considering what Keri is capable of doing, it may still be a terrible position to be in, but it definitely could be worse.

She managed to get out with staff again and get her nice sugary costa cooler thing. She's had a lot of sugary drinks today as she's now decided to start fluid fasting until she manages to get down to 40kg again, which will ruin the progress she made working to get her weight up to 50kg! Keri's seriously gone passed caring now though.

There was outrage when Keri heard about the professionals meeting yesterday. It was the psychiatrist and other staff from the ward. Her psychotherapist, personal advisor and care coordinator weren't there. Keri was so angry! You should've seen her shooting to Tesco on her crutches with staff to get her costa! The adrenaline was unbelievable! She's definitely crash landed though. She's short-tempered, agitated, exhausted, suicidal and overall, crap. Though staff spoke to her after reading the minutes of the meeting and apparently it went well and everyone is fighting to get her into a specialist placement for dissociative disorders, even if it takes several months to find somewhere suitable. Keri was glad that they were concentrating on her primary diagnoses of Dissociative Identity Disorder and her psychosis, rather than looking at her secondary diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. Me and David were very relieved to hear that! Now we've just got to get Keri through the next few months...

I really hope she doesn't do any more damage tonight. She's going to be on one to one every now and again so that she's kept a close eye on. The staff don't want anything to happen to her, especially trying to kill herself using bloody shoelaces!

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Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 3 days

Written by Fox.

Keri had yet another sleep deprived night and only fell asleep properly around 11am this morning which meant she was in no condition to get out of bed to do her physio for her ankle today. She's seeing Keri every day anyway so she'll be back tomorrow morning.

Keri's managed to go out a couple if times with one of her most trusted staff again which has been nice getting Keri off the ward. He managed to lighten Keri's mood a little bit temporarily which I'm quite glad of. She's definitely built some upper arm muscle! She's finding being on crutches a lot less tiring than it was a week ago.

There's been a lot of people talking to Keri today about how she views herself. When asked about why she burned her face and her replying that if she's a monster on the inside then she should look like one on the outside, the staff have all said to her that she's not a horrible human being and not even close to being some kind of monster. Unsurprisingly this hasn't changed Keri's view of herself. She's now back to starving herself, vomiting, and ruining her face with more cigarette burns. It's a good job that the night shift staff are so supportive (and the day staff of course), especially when it means Keri needs to be on one to one obs for a while if she gets very distressed and scared.

Turns out the people working tonight are people that know Keri is having a terrible time. She's on one to one at the moment in her room with a member of staff to see if they can make sure that she doesn't burn her face again, unfortunately those thoughts are very strong in her head. I'm highly doubtful that by tomorrow morning Keri won't have additional burns on her face.