Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 16 days

Written by Fox.

The day didn't go by a good start. Keri had less than three hours sleep and was up before 8am throwing up in her toilet due to her nightmares. After that she couldn't get herself back into bed again so grounded herself by standing in the rain, smoking and getting herself orientated back into the present e.g. where she was, what month it was etc.

One of her key workers came into her room and sat with her as she was concerned over the fact Keri was up so early as it's never a good sign. She gave Keri her morning medication, along with additional sedatives. She's also planning on doing a DBT group twice a week for half an hour. As she knew Keri had done DBT for a year she suggested Keri help her with the group. She's pretty up for that. She wants to show she's at least trying to do things rather than do what she wants aka hiding under her duvet forever.

She managed to go out on leave in the afternoon and got really annoyed with the nurse as whenever she takes Keri to the supermarket she goes and does her own shopping too! Keri gets freaked out by loads of people and doesn't like to linger unless with someone she trusts completely. In and out, that's it, not lingering waiting for her escort!

Keri's light of her day was when her foster mum and kid foster brother turned up to visit. Considering how low she'd been for most of the day and how out of it she'd been on her medications she was still able to chat and even laugh! Considering her foster brother is only 15 he seemed quite comfortable being on an adult psychiatric ward. I was surprised. It's been a long while since I last saw him. He's changed a lot! Last time Keri saw him I wasn't really around so it's been a while. Keri gave her foster mum her birthday present but forgot to put her Mother's Day card with it! Although I'm sure Keri will see them again soon. She's going to ask the consultant for home leave for the third ward round running this week, hopefully he will agree now that Keri is finally off ten minute observation! 

I'm glad they came to see her as it'd been such a depressing day! We couldn't cheer her up at all so it made the rest of us feel like crap as well. I like seeing them. They're my family too!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 2 weeks

Written by Fox.

DAY 168 - 22nd January, Wednesday

Today's been a roller coaster of extremes. Keri's either been laughing her head off or curled up on her bedroom floor crying so hard that it hurts. There hasn't been an in between.

Keri's still on one to one but was able to get some escorted leave to the supermarket to update her diet coke stash. I think a bit of time off the ward did her a little good but it definitely got her heart pumping. She tried keeping herself distracted by chatting to Matt but it didn't help her. She kept her face looking calm though.

Now it's late evening, Keri's very depressed. She ate more popcorn and chocolate and threw it up, then panicked and exercised away more calories, then cried some more, pretended to be happy or Clarissa is coming out when Keri is around staff while smoking (if Clari noticed Keri was past the point of being able to 'put her face on'), cried some more... I think me coming out to do the blog at least gives her body a break from the exertion it takes for Keri to cry the way she's doing. And you know what? There's no one around to see it while she's in her room like that, so no one knows how agonised she feels inside. It breaks my heart as I know I can't do anything to help.

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 9 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 163 - 17th January, Friday

Keri really didn't want to get up today but was woken up by loud knocking from Clive telling her that her medication was ready. Keri forced herself up and hadn't realised that it was nearly midday which meant she needed to get herself sorted for her ward round, even though part of her was wondering what the point was going to be in going. It actually turned out a lot more constructive than she thought. She's still on one to one observation but she's been given back some escorted leave over the weekend. As long as there's no incidents then hopefully they can work on building up her unescorted leave. Her dose of Pantoprazole for her GERD has been changed from the morning to the evening to see if that helps Keri's worsening acid reflux situation. Her Diazepam has been dropped another 1mg. She was on 30mg a few weeks ago and now she's managed to get down to 28mg. The manager suggested working with him to form some kind of contract about boundaries and acceptable behaviour. Sally will do anything to sabotage that but Keri's spoken to us and she's happy to sign one, so am I, so is Clarissa and so is David. That's a start at least.

The staff have been trying to keep Keri's spirits up today and have been doing so quite well actually. In ward round she was asked to rate her mood between 1 and 10 (1 being I'm going to the bridge, 10 being life is great). Keri said 10. They actually believed her! Are these people fools? She's barely scraped herself onto a 2! At times her mood has fluctuated between 2 and 3 but is now rested on a 2 this evening. The problem is that Keri is very good at putting on false laughs and a smile. One of the staff decided to try and find humour in Keri's one to one observation and made a hat which was called 'The Bonnet of Observation'. It's for Keri's 'appointed stalker' (like she calls them) to wear as a novelty thing. Some of the staff aren't into it. Justin has refused to wear it tonight! Outrageous really. But it's better to find the laughs in it, otherwise you'd just cry.

Keri had her psychotherapy session with Fiona and Keri chatted a lot, it seemed like she'd never stop talking. I think the whole one to one thing is actually being beneficial to her as it's helping to encourage her to talk about her feelings and what's distressing her rather than hiding in her room, sneaking down for a cigarette while staff are in the office and then sneaking back upstairs again with no interaction with anyone. Fiona noted how Keri seemed a little more perky today but that's just Keri, her mood is so extremely changeable that it's crazy. One minute you'd think she was high on drugs, the next she'd be crying in the corner cuddling a teddy and not knowing why.

The highlight of today has got to be Keri's brother visiting. Jamie got the train to Bristol and walked to the hospital to visit her. Keri had managed to get her escorted leave sorted and went with Matt, who was well informed of her plan to take Jamie out to buy him his birthday present. She wanted to get him an iPad and a case. He didn't even realise it was for him until she was at the counter! Keri was quite sly and was getting his opinion on cases etc so she could buy what he wanted without him even realising that was why she was asking so many questions! He's absolutely amazed with his new gadget and is really grateful to Keri. She got a lot of hugs for that! When they got back from leave Keri sent Jamie upstairs as she had a slight blip getting very panicky while they were in the supermarket so she had some extra medication. She was seriously shaking. Even Jamie noticed when she got up to her room, her hand was all over the place while she was trying to drink her coke! Luckily the Lorazepam calmed her down and she helped Jamie set up his iPad. They managed a few games of Just Dance on Keri's Wii before he had to leave to go and get the train back to Taunton again. He's hoping to be able to visit weekly from now on. I really think this would be good for Keri. They're relationship has just gotten better and better since Keri finally realised he wasn't a demon!

She's feeling quite restless at the moment but hopefully she'll be able to sleep. She was almost on the verge of fainting at one point as her and Jamie were really getting into the dancing game. It was quite strenuous on Keri's poor little body when she hasn't had any food since Sunday! The staff aren't bothering trying to spend ages persuading Keri to eat. They're all well aware that she's fasting until Monday. She may have only been on this ward a short time but they've realised how strong willed she is, especially when it's in regards to food. Her plan is to eat on Monday and Tuesday evening, a four hour time slot where she can eat what she wants, then go back to fasting again. Whether she actually eats on Monday is another thing. She hates herself whenever she's weighed. Even if she's lost weight she still thinks 'I need to lose more'. The silver lining to this is that because she's not eating she hasn't self harmed. There's been times where she's felt like it but she hasn't actively done it. Well done Keri for that at least!

And to reveal... The Bonnet of Observation! Being worn by Keri's 'appointed stalker' at the time.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 5

Written by Fox.

DAY 5 - 12th August

Keri felt the bug crawling in her head again this morning. She found a pen in the garden and snapped it into pieces and dug into her head to get it out but it didn't work. She ended up very distressed and sat with a member of staff for a while who gave her some Lorazepam. She'd only taken her morning medication an hour before that so clearly they weren't working! Luckily after the nurse sorted her wounds and had a chat, Keri was able to calm down, to the point of not having to pace round and round the garden!

Her psychotherapist was late for Keri's appointment but that's because she didn't know where to find her! Keri had a very constructive session. She was able to be open and honest and her psychotherapist not once tried arguing with her about her delusions and hallucinations. But she didn't agree to them either. For instance, Keri said that the five guys following her were standing on the hospital grounds outside the fence of the garden (the fences are green wiring about 8 feet high). Fiona didn't turn around and say "Well you're hallucinating", instead she said "That must be scary for you Keri." She didn't deny anything but she didn't encourage the delusions either, if that makes sense.

Her foster mum also visited which was nice as Keri was getting desperate to see her! She brought her some extra clothing etc along with a sense of humour which lightened Keri's spirits a bit, although inside she was a bit upset that she was going to be left in hospital for a week without being able to see her. Hopefully by the time they get back Keri will be a bit more logical and will be able to go home.

Keri had started to get cabin fever. She begged the nurses to take her out as she's only been given half an hour escorted leave so isn't allowed out on her own. The nurses said there weren't enough staff to take her out and she'd have to wait until tomorrow. Bare in mind Keri had actually been asking all day and each nurse said, wait for an hour, wait for an hour, wait for an hour. It wasn't surprising when it got to the point Keri had another outbreak of hysterical tears for an hour because she felt like a criminal who'd been locked in prison. Eventually the staff managed to calm her down and decided it would be best if one of them took Keri out. Why couldn't this have been done earlier? Does Keri crying for an hour really change the amount of staff available? What is this logic?!

She's started going to bed early now which is weird! Well, early to her is about midnight. Gives me a chance to write her blog, update her page and do all that stuff. None of us have come out directly to staff. We don't feel safe enough. If we're going to dissociate and let off steam it's likely to happen a lot during the sessions with her psychotherapist. Let's just say they could be quite fun-filled!