Sectioned in Hospital - 2 years 10 months 6 days

Written by Fox.

What can I say? Most things are getting pretty positive right now! 

We had our CPA last Tuesday and it went well. We just have to wait for a bed now so we can go back to the rehab unit back in Bristol. I'm hoping it'll give me more of a chance to see our foster parents too. As Keri only goes once a fortnight we try not to hog the spotlight and leave them to it. I think of all the time we've gone home I've only seen them twice. Maybe three times. It'll be nice to see them again. But anyway, the problem is we don't know how long it's going to take for us to get a bed. It could be a couple of weeks, it could be a couple of months. Everyone agreed that this environment is now doing more harm than good. We have no time frame. All we know is that we're currently second on the waiting list. We're trying to stay positive even though at times it's been difficult.

We are continuing our CAT and MBT with our therapist. Keri saw her today actually. We were all a bit peeved with her as she said in the CPA that we are all 'parts of Keri'. It almost made it sound like we weren't even real. That really hacked us off. We were open with the therapist about it today and she clarified that that isn't what she meant and apologised for making us all upset. We discussed it in one of our daily meetings. I'm glad she's one of the people in the world that actually listens rather than talks down at you. She takes our opinion as a whole and doesn't single us out if we've done something wrong. I like her. It'll be a shame when we leave as we've all grown to trust her now.

The only thing that's really gone downhill is Keri's fluid intake. Food is, overall, better than it has been in a long time and that's pretty much down to a lot of encouragement from staff and, sometimes, it means the rest of us coming out from time to time and actually eating for her. Her weight is now stable as she's trying her hardest to stop making herself sick after meals or, well, food in general. She has a care plan in place e.g. handing in her toilet key for an hour, not being allowed to her room as it has a sink in it etc. She's really struggling but credit to her, she's doing really well with that which means she's currently a stable and healthy weight. Over the last several days her fluid intake has been minimal which has resulted in her blood pressure dropping too low over the last few days. Due to this she isn't allowed her unescorted leave. This isn't a punishment, it's just that if any of us start feeling weak and dizzy and we aren't with staff than we're a bit screwed really. Despite this she still managed to get out today in group leave as staff were going to be there. 

She hasn't presented too well over the last few days, seriously low in mood, switching all over the place. Our therapist said this was to be expected. Hopefully, with our usual hard work, we can get back into the swing of things in the next few days. I'm remaining positive. I know how strong we all are. I know what we've fought through. We've done it this long, why shouldn't we be able to do it now?

Medication and D.I.D.

Medication can be both helpful and unhelpful when it comes to the treatment of D.I.D. There is no such thing as a magic cure and there currently is no form of psychiatric medication that stops switching completely. Medication is normally used in conjunction with therapy (whether that be EMDR, MBT, CBT, DBT, CAT etc). While medication cannot really help stop switching it can be used to treat co-occurring mental health problems that go alongside DID. It is rare for someone with DID to not have another disorder alongside it. Some disorders that can occur can include - but not limited to - borderline personality disorder, psychotic disorder, depression, bipolar, eating disorders and PTSD. 

I asked some people that have DID to tell me what medication they take and whether it helps. Many of them felt the medication helpful in treating symptoms that were caused by another disorder, such as depression or psychosis. However, a few people thought that medication could do more harm than good. It is hard for someone with DID to be put on medication when their switching has become out of control and frequent as many alters may have differing views on medication which could mean some alters stash medication, fail to take them completely or alter the dosage they are supposed to have.

Here is a very short list of the medication a dozen people I asked are on. These are just a few examples of the kind of medication someone with DID can take (and the reason why) if they have symptoms that are affecting their day to day life (not including the rapid switching of alters);

Psychosis - Amisulpride, Olanzapine, Quetiapine, Clopixol, Risperidone, Geodon

Depression - Mirtazapine, Sertraline, Venlafaxine, Florouxetine, Wellbutrin, Effexor

Mania - Lamictal

Anxiety - Diazepam, Lorazepam, Promethazine, Ativan, Visteril

Taking medication is assessed on an individual basis. What works for one person may not work for another and you may have to try many if you are thinking of going down that road. Some people are quite content about being on no medication and that opinion is also perfectly valid. I, personally, have gone through over a dozen different combinations of tablets before settling on the medication I am on now that seems to be working. I'm one person with DID that needs medication to function day to day.

Always consult a psychiatrist before taking any psychiatric medication, altering your dose, or weaning off any of your medication.

Sectioned in Hospital - 2 years 7 months

Written by Fox.

A lot has happened since September and most of it is good! Keri now has unescorted leave (despite it being repeatedly taken away and given back after a period of time). We have also had a tribunal and a discharge plan which I'll talk more about in a minute. The dissociating has been all over the place. I haven't been well lately as me, along with some of the other alters, have been helping sort out Sally so that she doesn't carry on being a homicidal psycho. I've been self harming. Even though I've been encouraging Keri not to! I've found that if I'm writing blog posts or diary entries (separate to Keri's stuff) then things aren't so bad and I can distract myself from my head when it's spinning around.

We had a tribunal at the beginning of December. There was three members of the panel, our solicitor, Keri's brother, a nurse from the ward and the psychiatrist (which Keri gets along well with now, whereas in the beginning she wouldn't even look him in the eye!). They had a chat to begin with before Keri, Jamie and the nurse went in. There was no need for anyone to get nervous really as they'd already made their decision by the time we walked into the conference room! Keri wanted to move on to a locked rehab unit rather than wait until her CPA in March for things to start moving. The panel consisted of a solicitor, a psychiatrist and a social worker. They all agreed Keri was ready to move and that things should start rolling now rather than waiting until March. It was the outcome that everybody was looking for. Afterwards, to celebrate, Keri went out on her unescorted leave with Jamie.

Despite it being a good outcome, things seemed to deteriorate quite quickly with regards to us coming out and the self harm that was happening at those times. Keri had quite a chat with her psychiatrist and her therapist (a new one she started seeing in September as the other went on maternity leave). She gets along well with her therapist and after all the conversations, it was decided that if Keri stayed until June and carried on therapy to try and understand the switching of us coming out then the psychiatrist would look at the open rehab at our last hospital, rather than spending a year in locked rehab before moving to open anyway. We had a meeting with Pathfinders (an agency in our last area who get involved when it's time for someone to move on somewhere else) and it was more officially decided. 

During Keri's CPA in March it was pretty much set in stone that we're all going to be moving back to the open rehab we had been in a couple of years ago at the previous hospital we were in. We weren't ready for it then with Sally being completely out of control but things seem to have calmed down a bit now on that front. As long as Keri continues therapy with her therapist then we can all go! In a couple of weeks we're being assessed again to go back to Alder Unit (the open rehab ward in our last hospital). It's quite reassuring for Keri as she knows both the psychiatrist and the ward manager who are coming. I'll be writing another blog post soon after we're assessed.

How is therapy going? Pretty good. Right now Keri is working with her therapist about understanding why we come out and why we do what we do. At first we were all dead set against Keri talking about this as we thought she wanted to get rid of us. Keri's therapist has been very reassuring though and has told us that it isn't the case we're being gotten rid of. That's not going to happen. They're just discussing why it happens. Some of the alters are still against Keri talking about us but there are several of us who understand it's not to be nasty or anything. It's just to try helping limit the negative behaviours when some of them come out, like with Sally and her homicidal thoughts. As long as none of my friends are threatened I don't mind Keri talking about us.

Sectioned in Hospital - 2 years 30 days

Written by Fox.

What a start to September. Another month gone. Time is disappearing quickly!

Keri went to her first PTSD group on Thursday which went quite well in Keri's opinion. It was a bit slow in my opinion; talking about rules and introductions and the content of the group. I think Keri was just glad to know there were other people there which I think is also a good thing. It makes her feel less alone. Everyone needs support sometimes.

Keri got struck down with a fluey head cold this week. She spent all day in bed on Friday because she was aching so much. It's rare to see her in bed for 36 hours. On the positive side, the staff waited on her hand and foot; getting her drinks, bringing up her medication... She's still feeling a bit rough but a lot better than she was.

I feel quite optimistic about things at the moment. We've managed to keep hold of Sally and stop her wreaking havoc amongst the other patients. Speaking of which, a new one arrived on Thursday. I haven't formed an opinion yet. She hasn't caused any incidents yet. About incidents, Keri self harmed on Thursday! The first time in months! Luckily it wasn't classed as an 'incident' but Keri was gutted that she'd broken her stride. Hopefully she can get back on track again so she doesn't feel so badly about it.

Things are looking pretty good. There's always going to be blips but as long as we all keep trying to work together than the blips won't turn into relapses.

Managing Triggers

(C) GOT PARTS? BY ATW

Triggers are something that remind you of, or bring you back to, an emotional or psychic place of remembering something about the traumatic event(s) in your past.

Triggers vary greatly from person to person, and from alter to alter. A person (or part) may or may not be aware of what their triggers are, or why they are triggers. Triggers are specific to that person's/alter's experience. Something which is very triggering to one person or alter may not be a trigger to anyone else, perhaps not even to anyone else in one's own system. Triggers usually involve one or more of the five senses: sight, sound, taste, touch or smell.

One basic way to begin learning to manage triggers is to have each part make a list of what their triggers are, understanding this list may grow longer as the therapeutic process progresses. This is not because you're 'getting worse', but is because your bank of self-knowledge and self-awareness is growing. This is a good thing, because the more you know, the less chance you have of being blindsided by something on the future.

Each alter can share their list with others inside, and as co-consciousness and the level of trust between parts increases, you all can find ways of helping each other when one or more parts get triggered.

It will be important to share your lists of triggers with your therapist, who will have additional ideas on how to work to get them to a manageable level. However, please remember there is no magic answer, no quick fix to any of this. It comes down to doing hard and challenging work, seeing what works for others, and sometimes, plain old trial and error.

We are not isolated in the effects our triggers have. People around us, and those we are in some type of relationship with are also affected when we are triggered, or when we learn to deal with our triggers.

One system had this to say about triggers...

"People have different triggers. It would be helpful to discuss these things. Allow yourself some room to avoid certain triggers while working on becoming comfortable with a physical environment that has been involved in previous hurts. It's very possible to overcome these triggers with work and support. Believe in yourself!"

While some triggers may never totally go away, over time you can figure out what works, and so to get to a place where the effects of triggers don't have to be as devastating or disabling.

Sectioned in Hospital - 2 years 20 days

Written by Fox.

Keri's been pretty out of it today. She's spent most of her time hidden in her bedroom and only spent a few hours downstairs (and even then she sat in the kitchen away from everyone). I've had to completely take control in regards to her eating. She did perk up a bit after her brother rang which I was hoping for. Just goes to show how important family is to Keri. 

One of the psychologists came to see Keri today. She's being offered a place in a new group that starts next week. It's about dealing with trauma and PTSD. There's only several patients going out of all four wards. A nice quiet group by the sounds of it. I hope the rest of us are welcome as well. A lot of us need help with trauma stuff but I don't know whether we will get any support if we come out in the group. It's ten weeks long so that's not much time for Keri to learn skills let alone the rest of us!

Sectioned in Hospital - 2 years 19 days

Written by Fox.

Keri saw her psychologist and she had a good chat. Keri has a significant day coming up that is related to something bad happening a while back and it's getting her down. Her psychologist suggested that because she currently has poor coping skills she should rely on medication to let her sleep for the day, or 'have a day off' so to speak. I think this is probably best until Keri has some better coping mechanisms. At the moment she resorts to self harm, absconding (although this place is almost impossible to run away from), ligaturing or dissociating. Besides dissociating (although I may be a bit biased!) all of these are pretty unhealthy and we all want Keri to be safe. Her psychologist has actually read some of my blogs which I'm quite chuffed about. Besides that, Keri has been napping and watching Dr. Who. What a life. I don't blame her for wanting to be out learning to drive and working her socks off for minimum wage!

Sectioned in Hospital - 2 years 17 days

Clarissa is happy. Keri got her some false nails and she put them on yesterday although Keri isn't into that kind of thing. I'm not either but we all have to live in one body! The nails only cost seven pounds. One of the staff is a beautician so she did the nails back on the ward. I have to admit they look pretty. Even better for Clari is she gets to put on Keri's makeup for her with the agreement that it's not pink. A little cooperation goes a long way to making our life easier.

Keri has been out twice in the last couple of days. She went out with her brother yesterday and out for a bus assessment with O.T. (Occupational Therapy) today. She had a pretty good day yesterday with regards to her dissociation but it's all gone a bit messed up today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Penny, Chantelle and Emmy are still pretty dominant personalities right now. It's pressing down on Keri a lot now and her healthy streak is going a bit downhill. She's still drinking water and not smoking but her food intake is getting lower. I'm hoping it's just a blip.

Sectioned in Hospital - 2 years 2 weeks

Written by Fox.

Keri has actually had a good day today if you exclude her excessive dissociating (which she feels less embarrassed about it after talking to staff). She's baked cupcakes and even ate one without my help, she's played pool, she's been playing card games... She hasn't even used her bedroom access until about 7pm this evening so she hasn't isolated herself either. She's been drinking water all day again and I've got her to eat. You don't see her wandering around without a water bottle in her hand much nowadays, it's a little obsessive. She's currently watching Dr. Who in her room and pleasantly calm. She's getting a little irritated about how much she's having to rewind the episodes while she's dissociating but that's normal for us at the moment. One staff member has actually noticed when Keri's getting a bit out of it and has been really helpful today trying to keep her grounded. Overall a pretty good day!

Sectioned in Hospital - 2 years 13 days

Written by Fox.

It was a good chance for Keri to have a better mood today as her brother came down to see her in town. She went on leave and they spent some time in Costa and also browsed shops. Keri did some retail therapy. Unfortunately her switching started happening while we were in Costa. Good on Keri's brother though for noticing when it was happening. Maybe people who know what Keri is like notice after all. She looks a bit confused and goes quiet, thinks she's in the middle of a conversation when she isn't... We've found out now that Penny constantly wears glasses so on the ward they're constantly on and off Keri's face. Chantelle has eyes that dart everywhere as she's a bit paranoid. We don't know about Emmy yet. This alter stuff is a full time job right now! 

Keri's started being really healthy physically. She's actually started trying to look after herself amidst all the chaos. She's drinking water a lot, going to the gym five times a week, eating meals (with a lot of my help), showering every day and trying to get a decent night of sleep. She hasn't smoked since 1st August which is three weeks nicotine free! Cold turkey! That's her focus while everything else is haywire. That's her control. It's a good form of control too, not her usual 'I'm not going to eat for weeks' kind of control. She's even getting up early in the morning, no matter what time she goes to bed. Her symptoms of psychosis and disordered eating have dampened down. It's only the dissociative symptoms that she's currently struggling with. The problem is, if her dissociative symptoms calm down then something else normally crops up. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that.

Sectioned in Hospital - 2 years 12 days

Written by Fox.

It's been a long time since I last wrote a blog post. It's not been long since I've been able to get back online again. I'm hoping I can get back into things. So do you guys want an update on what's been going on before I start writing about D.I.D again? I guess I should start with an update today and see how it goes. I'm a bit rusty at this writing thing. 

We are now in a secure hospital and have been for the last ten months. It's a lot different to our last hospital. Overall it's gotten a lot better in the last couple of months. During the first several months we had serious problems but we are making progress now (although right now we've hit a bit of a blip). We now have home leave every two weeks and Keri sees her brother every week as well. I'm glad Keri is seeing her brother so frequently as it does her good, so does seeing her foster parents every fortnight. Her brother travels a few hours on the train to even get to Wales to spend time with his sister. If you're reading this then I'm grateful that you do that for her!

Her switching between us is a bit problematic at the moment. There are several of us coming out and constantly changing. I can't even make heads or tails of it let alone Keri! She's spoken to her forensic psychologist about it and she's confused too. I'm only coming out with David to try to regain some control. Several of the alters are quite subtle in their switches so it's hard to tell the difference. I don't think Keri's foster parents are even able to tell the difference as she's switched a couple of times when she's gone to visit them. It's frustrating Keri as no one is able to tell her what's going on. I'm normally her first point of contact, along with David, but we only know the names of the alters. We don't know them very well at all. They're called Penny, Chantelle and Emmy. We don't even know the day or time anymore! If anyone knows how to deal with this then please get in touch as Keri hasn't had switching and amnesia this bad since she was quite young.

I hope you're all well. Me and Keri are back online to answer messages and to date the D.I.D page now. Unfortunately no one can do any videos as cameras aren't allowed into the hospital.

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 13 days

Written by Fox.

I bet you were hoping I was going to write that things were getting better. No hope! She had brief respite when her brother came to visit yesterday. He distracted her and they were having a great laugh playing charades for a couple of hours but things got a bit dodgy when Keri started hallucinating. Her little brother was really good with her though and while they were at the desk he put his arm around her shoulder while she leaned his head on him. He was very reassuring and didn't seem to bat an eyelid even though she was hallucinating. He is truly Keri's rock.

Keri had a really good catch up with our foster mum as well which definitely lifted Keri's spirits for a few hours. I think she needed a good phone call. Our foster mum is still recovering but she's a lot better than she was! Keri is going to talk to the support worker here who does home visits that need to be escorted and hopefully they'll have a conversation about a home visit. Fingers crossed. Although with Keri's mental health at the moment it may turn out a bit awkward than normal. If anyone takes Olanzapine, I'd love your feedback about dosage and how it helped or effected you with psychotic symptoms.

Keri's still been burning her face every day with the exception of today. She's freaked out twice due to her hallucinating. She even ended up on top of her wardrobe shouting at her hallucinated daughter and throwing boxes. The staff had to get her down and get some medication in her as she was getting really upset and distressed. Her bedroom was then locked and Keri was out in the communal area with her iPad and headphones. It happened again a couple of hours ago when she went into her bathroom to wash. She hallucinated again and shouted out to the nurse just outside, despite the fact she was half naked... That's how freaked out she was! Dignity wasn't even an issue! Everyone's quite worried about Keri's mental health slowly getting worse. A lot of them have commented and have said they really don't like this. I don't blame them. She's back on one to one smoking. She was off it for a couple of days but due to the events of today the staff have had to take charge and responsibility as Keri is currently incapable of doing so.

Just have to keep praying that things will be okay. I read her care plan earlier and it mentioned that if Keri can't handle the responsibility of having her lighter etc then it's been discussed that she may have to be moved to ECH which is the psychiatric intensive care unit next door, otherwise known as a PICU. Let's hope it doesn't get to that point.

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 9 days

Written by Fox.

****** TRIGGER WARNING - Photos I took of Keri at the bottom again. Stop scrolling at the line of stars at the bottom of the post if you feel you may be triggered.

Keri has destroyed her face now all because of her being haunted by her daughter. The staff temporarily put in place that she couldn't have a lighter and had to go out on one to one while smoking but that still didn't stop her so now they've just given back her lighter. They know she'll do it even if they try putting things in place to stop her so it was pointless just restricting her more and more if things aren't helping. A lot of the staff do try doing one to ones at night though. On a couple of occasions Keri has dissociated into a trance and started rapidly writing all over the floor not realising what she was writing. The staff take a while trying to get Keri's attention as she's normally unresponsive until someone touches her but then she freaks out so I'm very glad the staff have gotten used to this and know to say who they are and where she is and give her some medication to keep her calm.

In her last ward round the psychiatrist has said that there's two locked units that he's going to refer Keri to. One is called Heatherwood Court (which is the preferable option for both Keri and the rest of her mental health team) and the other is St. Andrews. So it's a waiting game for a few more months again. Her psychiatrist also changed a lot of her medication in one session. He put her Diazepam back up to 30mg instead of continuing to wean off, he's put her straight onto 10mg of Olanzapine instead of Quetiapine, he's added another 50mg to her Sertraline dose... It's ridiculous. I'm wondering why Keri isn't in a coma half the time and why she still isn't sleeping! At about 11pm she was given 10mg Olanzapine, 10mg Diazepam, 2mg Lorazepam and 50mg Promethazine. Maybe I'm wrong but shouldn't Keri be asleep by now even though it's only been half an hour? They have given her a lot as she was crying and crying.. Staff even made her a nice hot chocolate. I can't emphasise how much they're really taking care of her. Plus she's still alive! Despite another ligature attempt.

She had a surprise visit from her old respite carers the other evening which was really nice for Keri. I haven't seen her laugh properly for weeks but they were really good at cheering her up. They've even offered to take her with them to their caravan once her mental health is better which Keri will love. 

I hope very much that Keri gets better soon. I know she's got a long way to go but at least getting her out of her depression and suicidality (including the stress-induced psychotic symptoms she gets). She's definitely not going to get any unescorted leave now it's decided she's going to a locked ward. Sally will take any chance to run.

And look at this! This arrived today for Keri. It was Jyestha's emergency care package that she sent. It's nine packets of timtams! Her brother might actually get to taste some on Saturday as Keri is pretty much fluid fasting, even though she just gave in to a cupcake her one to one brought in with a hot chocolate! Her body was craving sugar I think due to her crying.

At least we now know where Keri will be going and the waiting is the hard bit. The nurses are supportive and her bathroom is still locked and supervised. At least she's alive but at times it's just like she's a walking zombie. She spends most of her time lying or sitting on her bed. Her social life is limited as she's keeping herself withdrawn. Keep messaging her guys! Maybe it'll bring her out of her shell!

Will catch up with you soon guys!

**** Trigger Stars! Stop scrolling if you feel vulnerable. **************

This side is still swollen 😞

Sectioned in Hospital - 6 months 1 day

Written by Fox.

DAY 186 - 9th February, Sunday

Keri's kept herself deliberately secluded and avoided talking to anyone, kept her head down and has been getting frustrated. Much like me! I really can't concentrate very much so these blog posts are going to be short. Keri did have a happy moment this evening when she got on the scales while the nurse was sorting out her medication and found she'd lost over 2kg in two days. Looks like that binge Clarissa had kick started Keri's metabolism. I think that'll mean that Keri will eat something in a couple of days. Maybe. Oh my god I can't think! It's taken me half an hour to write a paragraph! I'm feeling really emotional when normally I'm calm.

Sectioned in Hospital - 6 months

Written by Fox.

DAY 185 - 8th February, Saturday

It has been such a long day. It always is on a Saturday or a Sunday on Lime Ward. Keri didn't surface until about 2pm and she's spent all day fighting with Sally again. She's been pacing, she's been rocking, she's been punching things. Sally even came out and climbed onto the top of Keri's wardrobe to try jumping off to break one of Keri's arms but luckily David intervened and there was a twenty minute fight before David managed to fully come out and get Keri down from the wardrobe. Keri was put on hourly observation yesterday so the staff don't even know about that. 

Keri's been getting very frustrated today. She was talking to Carmel and said she felt it was pointless that we have to be locked in this ward for two weeks only to go back to Alder. She said all this admission was going to do was irritate her and 'piss off' Sally (which was proven when Sally decided to snap and climb on Keri's wardrobe). Keri doesn't even know about the wardrobe incident but after switching back from David she felt really distressed and overwhelmed. Thankfully she spent some time in the communal area tonight with her iPad but she still feels depressed. All she's thinking about is suicide and escape routes (which she ended up telling staff as she had started ranting so things kind of just spilled out). She also mentioned how annoyed she was over the fact the female gardens were being kept locked so her escape routes were a lot more limited... She has absolutely NO leave. Last time she saw Dr. Wilke was the day she arrived on Monday. He said she had two half an hour escorted leaves a day. Sally came out an hour or so after that so I'm assuming Dr. Wilke took it away as, even while escorted, the staff have said that the way Keri is presenting at the moment means it's too risky to go out because of dissociating and absconding. It's giving us all cabin fever but if that door opens then Sally's gone like a bolt of lightning. 

I'm still really restless and I really don't like it! I haven't felt like this for ages. I feel like I'm the one that helps hold everyone together. If I get distracted or upset then the whole family gets unsettled. As soon as things become unsettled it's really hard to settle things down again. 

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 30 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 184 - 7th February, Friday

Could Keri have gotten up in any more of a restless and annoyed mood? No! And now I'm feeling really restless and miserable which means poor Jimmy and Daniel are being neglected as I couldn't give them the proper attention that they wanted! I don't want them coming out in this hospital. Can you imagine a 4 year old wandering around an acute ward? Especially with some of the patients here.

Keri had her appointment with Fiona today but I couldn't pay much attention to what was going on. I really struggled trying to distract Jimmy and Daniel so David ended up having to help me. He even said I should go off and rest for a bit and get some help. I have no idea why I feel so off. Maybe I should see Fiona on Monday during Keri's next psychotherapy session. 

Well, Keri got up in a mood and as the day went on things seemed to get progressively worse, especially this evening as Sally has started partially coming out so Keri's starting to feel short tempered and angry. This little old woman kicked Keri tonight (although it wasn't even hard enough to leave a bruise but Sally still got annoyed). Keri just shouted "What the fuck was that for?" The woman then walked to the other side of the room where they were smoking and started muttering under her breath. Keri felt herself getting really angry so threw away her cigarette and went straight to her room. She spent nearly 20 minutes arguing with Sally as Sally wanted to come out and beat the little old lady up, whereas Keri knew this woman has dementia so tries not to take things personally (which is hard when Sally's quite dominant). Things are not going to be good tomorrow. One wrong word from someone and bang, Sally's going to ballistic. Although maybe that's a good thing. She needs to vent, even if it gets Keri into trouble. 

Good news though, Keri's found a replacement for her iPod. Well, actually Natalie mentioned it to me when I was trying to get her to the forefront of everything. Keri can sync all her iTunes music to her phone so can use that to plug her headphones into but it's just a pain for her because of the battery. The battery life of an iPod nano is a lot better than an iPhone 5s!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 29 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 183 - 6th February, Thursday

Keri spent a lot of time with her mum and her partner today, mainly playing Uno and chattering away. They're coming by next week. It was good for Keri to be with people that aren't involved with hospital stuff! They also brought her some coffee, coke, cigarettes... The mainstay of Keri's diet! There was definitely a self esteem boost as her mum seems to be terrible at Uno! Keri also tried a cigar that John brought in. Very dignified! She's got another one for later on. Next time they visit maybe John will be smoking a cigar!

There's been a lot of tetchiness going on this evening because of Sally. Keri has a psychotherapy appointment tomorrow and because Sally blames Fiona for us now being on a locked ward. Seeing Fiona = more anger. That's bad, but maybe the silver lining is that Sally won't be able to contain herself and will come out in the appointments.

Short post again! Hopefully it's all calm again tomorrow. 

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 4 weeks

Written by Fox.

DAY 182 - 5th February, Wednesday

Even though Keri's been on a rollercoaster again with her emotions she's still managed to be kept safe. She didn't surface until about 3pm so that might be why nothing has happened. She's only been awake for 9 hours! About the only thing that's really happened today is Keri met the new doctor and spent some time discussing her medication with Dr. Wilke. He also wants to take Keri off of her section at some stage but that might be complicated with Sally involved. Oh, and Bernie came and worked a late shift here this afternoon which was nice for Keri as it was a bit of familiarity from Alder. She phoned Alder today and had a chat with John, and to see if they could bring over her iPod charger except no one can find it! So now Keri has no iPod. NOT GOOD!

So that's a nice short blog post today, but short is good. It means there hasn't been chaos!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 27 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 181 - 4th February, Tuesday

It has actually been a stable day, as far as being on an acute ward can be. Keri's taken all her medication, she spent a couple of hours in the evening when it started getting dark out in the communal area watching programmes on her iPad, she's interacted with staff and Sally hasn't made any appearances. Even though Keri's still feeling really depressed she's trying very hard to stay calm. She's still being kept on ten minute obs and we found out today that her care plan said that the female gardens all had to be kept locked while Keri is here to avoid Keri absconding. The only garden open is the main garden which normally has other patients in it and is easy for the staff to monitor. She's now also on season 7 of Friends! Yes, she has no life. 

She's absolutely exhausted and didn't get up until about midday. She hasn't eaten for days again and the empty feeling is the only thing that's making her feel a little happier. Looking at herself? Well, that motivates her more to not eat. Who invented large vertical mirrors? Stupid person! At least she's catching up on sleep. So far the staff haven't started bugging her about it yet. Either they haven't picked up on it yet or they're leaving it to see whether Keri will start eating. She hasn't had her obs done since moving here so her weight hasn't been done. I doubt that would be written down on her notes so if Keri has lost weight she's going to get really excited and not have to worry about the staff worrying as it would be her first check with nothing to compare it to.

Let's hope that tomorrow morning Keri will stay fairly stable tomorrow as well but Sally's getting tetchy again. Keri's sworn to herself that if she starts feeling bad then she'll go to staff and try to talk to them rather than find herself being held face down on the floor again. I'm glad she's at least thinking logically about something!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 26 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 180 - 3rd February, Monday

Keri couldn't settle at all last night, even after all her medication. The staff eventually found her asleep by about 7am fully clothed lying on top of her duvet with her headphones in. Even though she didn't get to sleep until that ridiculous time she was awake before 10am! Her anxiety about being transferred to Lime Unit was getting to her but she managed to pack her stuff up just after getting up. We were all asking for our stuff! Most of the stuff in Keri's room isn't even hers or she doesn't like it!

Her anxiety levels were pretty good up until the point she had to walk out of the door of Alder Unit. She started panicking. Matt and Fi took Keri over to Lime with Nigel, a nurse who'd brought a new patient over from Lime. She was the one who's bed Keri was going to be having so they were essentially swapping except Keri still has her room waiting for her back on Alder. They managed to walk Keri over without Sally coming out and kicking off but Keri felt suddenly really upset as soon as the main entrance to Lime had been closed behind her. She hadn't even had her medication that morning as Sally had played the "take your meds and I'll come out" card so Keri's anxiety levels were worse than they would've been if she'd taken her tablets. Fi stayed with Keri for a while in her room and drew a couple of nice sticky notes for Keri to put on her wall. Motivational things to keep Keri going and remember it was only temporary.

Dr. Wilke wanted to see Keri and had a discussion with her in the ward round room. He's granted two half an hour escorted leaves a day. He asked whether Keri thought she should be on ten minute obs or hourly obs. Keri said hourly, so they put her on ten minutes, saying that they could put her on hourly depending on whether any risks showed up over several hours. He also decided that weaning Keri off of her Diazepam was a bad idea as it was needed as the mainstay for her anxiety symptoms. Instead he wants to wean her off of the Quetiapine to see if it provokes a psychotic episode (to try and find out whether her previous psychotic episode was triggered by extreme stress or whether she has a diagnosable psychotic disorder and needs the antipsychotics to keep the episodes from happening, or happen less frequently, or be less intense). The problem is Keri was put on so many medications and had the doses changed quite quickly in a short space of time so no one knows what medication is doing what or causing any side effects. As Keri's going to be an inpatient for a while they're able to mess around with her medication more freely than if she wasn't in hospital.

Keri went out into the garden and was pacing round in circles smoking and trying to get hold of her mum. Sally had started coming out so Keri was still mainly in control but had serious anger problems and was lashing out at inanimate objects. Fiona turned up for their psychotherapy appointment while Keri was just trying to phone her mum on her mobile. It was obvious that Keri was sharing her body with Sally as she shouted down the phone "Pick up the phone!". For the whole therapy session Keri was either kicking things or crying or Sally would eye up the fences.

In the end Keri lost it, despite Fiona's caring efforts to try and say something comforting or helpful. She said she couldn't take it on the unit anymore (baring in mind it had been less than two hours). She walked quickly inside and up to the desk.

"I want to go back to Alder," Keri said to Sim who was behind the desk.

"I'm afraid you can't do that, Keri," Sim said.

"What do you mean I can't go? My room is over there. I haven't even unpacked. Just let me out please!"

"You were sent here to keep you safe. We can't just transfer you back. That's not how it works."

"Yes it fucking is! All you have to do is sign a little piece of fucking paper and I can go!"

"It's all down to the doctors."

"Then go and get the doctors! I've just seen Dr. Wilke for fuck sake so just tell him to say I can go!"

"That's not going to happen. Hey, let's go in one of the rooms and have a chat."

"No! Will you just fucking listen? Just phone the manager on Alder! I can't stand this fucking place! Let me go the hell back!" 

By this point Keri was shouting, she was on the verge of crying and Sally was getting a lot more obvious. Keri started becoming unresponsive to staff and Fiona quickly cottoned on to the fact Sally was coming out and tried to get through to Keri but by that point it was too late. Keri had clocked that a patient was about to leave the unit and the staff were going to open the door. 

As soon as Nigel went round and opened the door, Sally immediately made a dash for the door from the reception desk and got to the door just a little too late. He managed to get the door shut. This really got Sally annoyed. She punched the door and refused to move away from it. Nigel set off the alarm and several staff turned up to try and help. At first they tried verbal negotiation to get Sally away from the door. That didn't work. They then tried light restraint. As soon as that happened Sally lost her temper. She doesn't like to be touched or told what to do. She was getting even more boiled over because of the fact the staff were calling her Keri. 

The plan was that the staff were going to calmly walk Keri to her room and sort everything out in there but once Sally kicked off and started hitting out at the staff they had no choice but to force her down onto the floor and hold her there. Keri came back out while being restrained on the floor, knowing straight away what had happened. She just burst into tears. Even though she was mainly herself, she was still very distressed and instinctively was lashing out at the staff herself while on the floor. They kept her on the floor for ten minutes before she started to calm down enough to get her off the floor (other staff members helping to keep other patients away). 

They got her on her knees and then had to keep her restrained as they got to her room and on her bed. She was hyperventilating, crying uncontrollably with nothing anyone could do, refusing any medication and getting outbursts of rage which would then result on the restraint being tightened again. As she was refusing medication, they had to go and speak to Dr. Wilke to get an emergency IM Lorazepam injection written up which took a fair while. After nearly two hours (roughly, time wasn't an issue right then!), Keri finally agreed to take the Lorazepam orally, knowing that if she didn't then she'd have to be held down and injected anyway. She was kept restrained until it took some effect so instead of five staff in her room it went down to three staff, then finally down to one member of staff. 

As she was no longer being restrained she thought it was time to chain smoke so she grabbed a packet of cigarettes and paced around the garden again. She was being kept on ten minute observation (which she's still on tonight and hasn't gone down to hourly due to Keri's distress). She ended up on the phone to her mum and when she asked when Keri wanted a visit Keri, without any hesitation, went "Today!" So her mum and John got into the car and drove up to see Keri this evening. They were planning on going to Bath anyway so it wasn't too bad. They spent a couple of hours together talking, smoking, drinking coffee... They got her some DVDs and her teddy bear from Alder on the way. Keri found it really good to have a visit but I think she's clinging really strongly onto her mum at the moment, maybe it's because she feels vulnerable and just wants her mum; but it could verge on being unhealthy. I'm not sure how that's going to pan out at the moment.

Keri's evening has been calmer as she's taken her medication. She's cleared her conscience by apologising to the five members of staff involved in having to restrain her and sort her out. Each one of them told her there was nothing for her to apologise about but Keri feels compelled to do that as she feels she is a burden on people. An example she used to the staff was the fact she's currently taking up two beds, one on Alder Unit and one on Lime Unit. Who cares? No one! As long as Keri starts getting better then the bed issue isn't even an issue! Speaking of beds, she should be dead by now. She didn't even have three hours sleep last night and she's still awake at nearly 2am. You can't blame me either! I came out to do the post as it's obvious how much Keri's head is racing and it's going to be at least a couple more hours before she even lies down. Where does this stamina come from?!