Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 28 days

Written by Fox.

Jesus. I think it's time for some kind of intervention or something here! Keri's gone completely looped this evening, or more rightly the last 4 hours considering it's nearly 4am.

I thought the day started quite well. Keri was given her Quetiapine and also some extra Lorazepam for her home visit just in case, the staff read her diary and also checked her bag; both before leaving and also on coming back as there was a very short period where Keri's foster mum was showing Keri's 'pet nurse', as she called her, around the garden. Keri didn't dissociate but because she could've dissociated and dashed in and out the kitchen they checked anyway. Her home visit went very well. Like I said in my last post, I knew she'd feel differently as soon as she stepped foot in that door. She described it as 'walking on the clouds of heaven'! She was happy to see her foster mum but was getting really confused over the fact she knew so much of what Keri was doing. Keri still thinks I'm taking a break from blog posts so doesn't know her foster mum sees them. She was only able to stay for just over an hour but an hour was all Keri needed. She was out of hospital, despite being escorted, and she felt like she was home again. I will admit that there were a lot of us that were reluctant to leave and come back to the hospital but did anyway without any hassle from Sally as me and David had that covered. If you're reading this, thank you for letting Keri visit! 

For a few hours Keri was actually feeling a bit better. For some reason from about 11.30pm she's just... I don't even know how to explain it. She's self-harmed several times again and now has dressings all the way up her left forearm, she's in and out of dissociative trances and isn't really able to listen to anyone and is getting preoccupied (which one of the nurses pointed out when he was sorting out Keri's arm, stating that she was a lot more distracted than usual). She's spent a lot of the last few hours rocking on her bed, shouting random things in rhymes and when she's outside smoking she's climbing on all the garden furniture and jumping from bench to bench! She's been dosed up to her eyeballs again but she's just completely manic, but very depressed. It's weirding me out! I don't like it! She's not even close to going to bed and keeps wandering round and round in figures of eight. I don't understand how she was okay one minute then suddenly switched to this! And I know it's not another personality as I deliberately checked to make sure. 

She saw the dietician who said she'd bought Keri a cereal bar to eat each day. She gave Keri one today which sat on her bedside table. Once it started getting dark she went out in the garden while no one was watching, took it out the wrapper, chucked it over the fence then went back to her room and strategically placed the empty wrapper very noticeably in her bin so she knew the staff would see it and write on her fluid/food intake chart that she's had a cereal bar when in reality she's eaten naff all.

I really hope her psychotherapist is able to do something if she's still like this tomorrow as I'm really at a loss. David has no idea what to do either and several personalities have decided to start arguing about cheese! What is this world coming to right now! Someone explain it to me because... I don't understand and normally I understand things ten times better than anyone else internally. But now I'm clueless. I'm never clueless. Does that mean there's something wrong with me too? If I spoke, I'd be shouting at a wall right now, and I'm pretty passive!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 128

Written by Fox.

DAY 128 - 13th December, Friday

Keri finally met Dr. Harland today. On first impressions she seems nice but we've learned that first impressions are normally wrong. Me and Keri are both in agreement that in time we will find out she's completely clueless and has no idea on how to treat Keri while she's on the ward. Keri brought up the subject about leave as she was desperate to go to her foster parents' house for a few hours, even if it was just lying on the sofa watching TV. Dr. Harland rightly pointed out that banning her leave had been pointless as Sally had gone and left the ward on Tuesday anyway. So Keri now has her two half an hours a day to go to tesco, into Brislington or around Bristol (not very far in half an hour!) and in the hospital grounds. She's also able to take herself to occupational activities such as the yoga group and she's also wanting to attend the Hearing Voices group too (this is basically a social group where anyone who suffers with hallucinations, particularly auditory, can sit together and discuss things. People who don't suffer with this, or are carers etc cannot attend so it's purely for patients with these experiences plus the couple of members of staff that run it). Keri's allowed to go down to Woodside to do the therapies on the condition that the ward phone the OT (occupational therapy) department to say Keri's on her way, and for the OT department to phone the ward when Keri's on her way back. This is to keep Keri safe, otherwise she could have left to go to a two hour group, not attended and no one would realise until afterwards. Two hours is a long time! Her unescorted leave is only to be taken in daylight hours and she can't go if she's got a headache as this is normally a warning sign that Sally wants to come out. Finally, she's been granted three hours a week to go home with her foster family. Hopefully this can be changed for Christmas Day and Keri can spend the day there.

Liz came to pick her up early afternoon, after she'd been interrogated by the staff about Keri. I bet she had a lot of fun with that. Her leave was pretty normal. A normal family environment, not confined within the fences of a psych ward. Keri chatted a lot to her foster parents and also sat and watched some TV. She felt a bit odd being out of hospital but that house still feels like home to her. I don't think her foster parents realise how grateful Keri was that they took her home for a while. Keri told Dr. Harland that if she wasn't granted home leave then she'd go apeshit for the day. Liz also said this to them when she came to pick Keri up. Keri didn't even get into ward round until after midday so she was already thinking of ways of being completely rebellious (she was going to deliberately cause trouble due to the fact the cabin fever was really wearing her down, I think that's partly what's been causing all the crying episodes). Luckily that didn't happen!

Keri even got to see her kid foster brother, although technically they aren't supposed to see each other. Who cares? I don't see the issue with it, neither do Keri or her foster parents. Unfortunately Keri's key worker wrote out a risk assessment for her leave for when she goes home for a few hours. Obviously there are 'Risk to Self' factors: "...currently at high risk of self harm and suicide when dissociating mainly as Sally...". However they've also put her into the 'Risk to Others' category by stating: "...have grabbed knives with intent to use them while at your foster parents needing to be restrained by them". This was a one time incident when Sally came out last year the night before she was first admitted to an adult psychiatric hospital. I don't think this even needs to be written down on her risk assessment! But a nurse turned around to her this morning and said, "Keri, the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour". Really? Is that really true in this case? Either way it's written down officially in Keri's notes and there's nothing she can do about it. To tell you the truth, if that wasn't written down and Sally came out while Keri was on leave at her foster parents and went for the knives then a lot of people would be in deep trouble! 

This evening something has triggered Keri off but I really don't know what it is. She was fine when she got back to the ward from going home, she was fine for a couple of hours after that, but then for some reason she found herself curled up on the floor and not being able to stop crying. Trust me, she tried to stop. She wanted a cigarette and doesn't like people to know she's been crying. It took her nearly half an hour before she could wipe away the last of her tears and even then it was obvious she'd been crying. Her eyes were all red and puffy. Luckily when she went to smoke the staff were busy in the office and she used a door to go out to the garden that most of the other patients rarely use. It's bugging me though. I'm trying to find a trigger so I can write it down for Keri in the future but I can't find one anywhere!

But let's focus on the positives. Keri had a good time with her foster parents and has never appreciated a cup of tea more from Liz! Let's hope it's a regular thing, although they are very busy people so sometimes things do get in the way and Keri isn't able to see them. It's been three years pretty much now though so she's past the 'feeling rejected' stage. She doesn't take it personally, it just makes her appreciate the next visit even more.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 126 (18 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 126 (18 weeks) - 11th December, Wednesday

Keri's solicitor visited today and has put in the withdrawal application for Keri's tribunal. There isn't any point in her having it as she can promise to stay in the ward for treatment but can't promise it for the rest of her alters, like Sally! I don't mind staying, but some aren't as settled and feel uneasy about the whole thing, especially with Keri attempting suicide or Sally trying to kill us (I guess from an outside perspective that's the same thing).

For most of the day she's kept herself to herself. But by the time late evening came she had a complete mental breakdown. She couldn't stop crying and even ended up crying in front of staff which she never does unless it's extreme distress. She ended up texting her foster mum in the middle of all this asking to go home for a bit and, thankfully, she said yes. Unfortunately, it's all down to Keri's current overseeing psychiatrist to make the decision tomorrow morning as Keri's still under a section. Considering the aftermath of yesterday no one is too clear on what the answer will be. I can say one thing. If Keri isn't allowed out tomorrow then Sally will go nuts for her benefit. Keri will want to just run out the ward but doesn't have the guts. Sally does. That's the problem if they work together like that, it gets us into extremely dangerous situations, normally getting restrained and handcuffed too.

As Keri was so distressed, the staff gave her extra medication which Keri was a bit dubious about as she wants to be awake tomorrow morning when they find out whether she can go home for a bit. But if she didn't take it then she'd spend the night unsettled and it would be doubtful she'd get any sleep, or even stop crying. Matt brought her The Hobbit to watch as he's on the night shift tonight with Bernie. She's getting close to the end now so she'll be able to give it back later. It's kept her distracted which is what Keri has needed. She's also trying to hold onto the hope that she can go home tomorrow.

Keri made a nice new friend in the garden today! It was a ginger and white cat and loved being stroked and petted. I'll have to find a photo and put it on the DID page. It even sat on the table next to where she was sitting and just laid there, rolling on it's back every now and then. Keri's not a cat person and neither am I. But she was pretty, and Keri found stroking it quite therapeutic.

Wish us luck that we can go home for a few hours! Otherwise I doubt there will be a blog post for tomorrow!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 85 to Day 89

Written by Fox.

DAY 85 - 31st October, Thursday (KERI'S BIRTHDAY!!)

Well, Clari got us all to a flying start very early in the morning! This meant Keri was overtired and hyper so she spent the morning rushing around and keeping herself busy, hoping nothing last minute was going to crop up and ruin the leave that she was being granted to go home for a few hours.

Her foster mum came and picked Keri up at about 11.30am and was allowed up to 4 hours as long as she stayed with her foster parents. Keri absolutely loved being at home again, seeing her foster parents and just enjoying the environment. She totally forgot about her presents because she was so happy about the fact she was actually home for the first time in about two months! When she eventually got round to opening her presents she had a lovely painting by numbers and pair of leopard slippers from her foster sister and one of her foster brothers. Plus she got another painting by numbers, a book and a nice new set of pyjamas from her foster parents. Keri almost cried when she opened up her cards, especially the one from her foster parents which actually had the word "daughter" written on the front! She didn't cry at home but she did when she got back! They weren't sad tears though so that's good, right?

She even got to see her kid foster brother (another foster child who's 15) on the way back as they had to pick him up from his brother's. The foster agency had some stupid rule that said they gave permission for Keri to go home but her kid foster brother wasn't allowed in the house at the time. Ridiculous. But I guess it's safe considering how out of control Sally gets when she comes out nowadays. Keri had a good chat with him in the car as they were driving back to the hospital. He started asking about things like straitjackets! Keri couldn't help but laugh. She did enjoy the time she spent out but she was still paranoid and a little unfocused. Even so, it did her good to go home for a bit.

She got really depressed when she got back on the unit as she obviously doesn't want to be here! But she kept herself calm by tidying and sorting out her room and going through all her presents and sorting those out too. She was really grateful about all her presents and was thrilled with everything, especially a home visit! Although by the time it hit 7pm she was getting real annoyed with people saying happy birthday to her!

Keri had a chat with Blondie in the evening as Keri was a bit stressed. She'd been told that the liaison officer in charge of her court case is going to be visiting tomorrow, not something Keri is looking forward to. She's also been told that the officer is coming on Monday too so things are a little confused. Keri is supposed to be in court on Monday so the officer arranging a visit for that day makes no sense! Oh well, we'll find out tomorrow.

DAY 86 - 1st November, Friday

Well, not a great day. Keri was awoken by her personal advisor visiting who'd also bought her some presents, including a few small things for Clari and Jimmy! That was nice. The visit didn't go on for long though as the liaison officer arrived at 11.30am so Keri, her personal advisor, the liaison officer and Abz (one of the nurses) sat down and had a chat about what was going to happen at court. It wasn't good news some of it. The 'defendent' (can't currently be named for legal reasons) has now gone and hired a Queens Council along with his barrister. A QC is higher up than a barrister. The liaison officer's theory is that the defendent is scared of being put in prison because of how the jury reacted last time; they all 

looked at him like he was shit on a shoe. Keri isn't only going to be going with her PA and foster mum, but now Abz is going to be coming from the hospital to make sure Keri can be managed properly if she dissociates or becomes too anxious. She's also working that afternoon so can fill the rest of the staff in on what Keri is like at the time, mood and behaviour wise.

Unfortunately this evening Big S came in with a piece of paper in his hand and said that the judge in charge of the case was being delayed due to a case overrunning unexpectedly so court is going to be delayed for a day, it'll start on Tuesday instead of Monday. So Keri will be at the hospital viewing her video evidence on Tuesday afternoon and then taken to be cross examined at Crown Court on Wednesday. Going to be really tough.

DAY 87 - 2nd November, Saturday

Keri (in quick terms as I haven't been around much) = tried scaling the fence, too many flashbacks to count, extra medication needed, isolated herself and spent most time in the HDU, garden in HDU was opened tonight so Keri doesn't have to interact with anyone as she's suddenly taken a turn for the worse. I haven't been around this evening so have no idea what's suddenly set her off! :( I've been trying to look for David today so haven't been paying much attention to Keri. I know, I feel really guilty about it but I needed a break!

DAY 88 - 3rd November, Sunday

Keri had another isolated day. She's been so plagued with flashbacks that she's starting to mix together the past and the present, almost like she can't tell the difference. In the end she couldn't take much more and at about 8pm she went to ask for some extra medication, which in her case is usually Lorazepam. She asked three nurses and stood at that reception desk for over 20 minutes before she completely went off her nut.

"Have they sorted out my fucking PRN yet?" Keri shouted angrily at the nurse behind the desk, the only available member of staff.

"Have you asked anyone?" she said.

"Yes!" she shouted. "Three different fucking people! You know what, fuck it! Forget it!"

"Keri, I can get someone to get you something. But they're busy with another patient," the nurse shouted after Keri as she stormed through the corridor to smoke.

"I don't give a fuck!" Keri screeched.

She ended up storming round and round the garden in torrential rain. Strangely enough a member of staff turned up with her Lorazepam after a couple of minutes, but Keri was way past the point of talking to anyone. She was persuaded to take the tablet and then left alone, being told a nurse would see how she was in ten minutes. Three quarters of an hour later and Keri was still storming around the garden, completely soaked through to the bone; she was so cold it had gotten to the point she wasn't even shivering anymore. Did she feel calmer? No. Had the staff come to talk to her? No. So in the end, after nearly an hour, Keri went straight to her room and reached a state almost like catatonia. She sat completely still, eyes unfocused, unresponsive to anyone talking to her. At points she comes out of it but then after a few minutes or if she's out smoking, she'll get into a position and sit like that and stare straight ahead, not even recognising where she is or who's with her. 

DAY 89 - 4th November, Monday

Today has dragged on for all of us. It could have been a year for all we knew. Time is normal quite important but today it's been meaningless to Keri. She barely even checked her watch today even though she usually checks it religiously to make sure she hasn't dissociated without realising (which happens a lot). 

She saw a doctor today who has put her Diazepam dose back up to 21mg per day instead of 15mg. This was supposed to have been done on Friday but everyone just completely forgot. It's to help her with her anxiety and stuff during the court case but when she first starts it she's like a zombie, although she's been like that the last couple of days even without the extra medication! 

The day was completely destroyed when Keri went out for a cigarette this evening, nothing out of the ordinary, just the usual smoking routine. Except when Keri went out into the garden she found Bitch standing there being friendly to a few other patients. As soon as Keri and Bitch's eyes met it was an unsaid hate. Straight away she started with her snide comments and had a go at Keri over the fact she'd had to be moved to a different ward for the last five weeks because of the physical fight that happened between them that the staff had to deal with. Keri's not sure whether Bitch has learned her lesson as she was toeing the line less than five minutes of being together in the same room. One line that Bitch said that's stuck with Keri is, "I didn't even know she had it in her." This was referring to the fact that Bitch had no idea Keri would retaliate to what she was saying through physical aggression. The reason that line is stuck with Keri is because it's given her some kind of hope that Bitch learned her lesson the first time round. There's been no discussion around Keri's discharge being in the near future so Keri has no fear about her section or discharge being jeopardised if she punches Bitch in the face again. Hopefully it won't come to that, but Keri's strings are being pulled tighter with the overhanging gloom of the court case. I don't think it's going to go as smoothly as last time.

Keri also feels like a horrible human being because of last night. She kicked off because no one was sorting out her medication, only to realise after talking to the new guy today that he had a heart condition and had collapsed so the staff had to deal with that. This made Keri feel horrible about losing complete control of herself. She's been reassured by her foster brother, her mum and other people that she's not a bad human being for doing that. Still, she blames herself. She isn't a bad person. She didn't kick off on purpose. She didn't mean to cause a bit of chaos. She didn't mean to have flashbacks that were so intense she couldn't stand it, right at the time this guy collapsed in his room. How was she supposed to know what was going on? She'd isolated herself because of the stress. But no persuading her is going to make her think any differently. It's just her natural way of thinking, thinking it's her fault for everything that goes wrong.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 25

Written by Fox.

DAY 25 - 1st September

Before you point it out, yes I missed out a couple of days. Keri was pretty zonked out on her medication increase so it was pointless me saying much! About the most exciting thing that happened was that she went to the supermarket with her foster mum, and even that felt like a marathon to her. On the bright side though she's been sleeping very well at night and even snoozing during the day. Unfortunately those effects are starting to wear off. Or maybe they're not and Keri's got this half-Keri half-Sally thing going on at the moment. The medication Keri is on effects her a lot when it's changed but doesn't effect Sally and this evening Keri and Sally have been out at the same time! The characteristics of this are that Keri becomes very angry with everyone, doesn't want to speak, kicks out at things and is generally rude or verbally abusive without realising it.

Her foster mum came to pick her up about 12.30pm which had been planned. She was going to go for some home leave which I thought was going to do her some good. In some ways it did but in other ways it just showed her exactly what she's missing. Her and her foster parents had some long chats, at times having a sense of humour or just talking casually (you've got to have a sense of humour sometimes!). What came out of the conversation was that Keri quickly realised that it was unlikely she'd be discharged at her ward round next week when her section is due to expire. Her foster dad was trying to get Keri to believe that what she's experiencing is psychosis (although of course they try not to use that word around her, I'm just using it to get to the point). In other words, not real. It didn't work. I have to admit I was listening to the whole conversation and her foster parents were doing a really good job at being logical with Keri but she wasn't having any of it. Like I often say, you can't have a rational argument with an irrational person. That's exactly what psychosis is, it's based on irrationality. There were some good times though when she wasn't focusing on her foster dad's drill or watching the guys she sees out of the living room window spying on the house. It wasn't all bad. The only reason I'm mentioning a lot of the bad stuff is because I'm trying to make these blogs as close to Keri's head space as I can and all she had was a black mist. She's in her own psychotic world and no logical argument is going to get her out of it. She did laugh a few times with her foster parents when they managed to temporarily draw her out of her head for a bit. They have a wicked sense of humour!

When it was time to go Keri just sat there and said, "I'm discharging myself."

She was sat outside with her foster dad who said, "You can't discharge yourself."

"It's too late," she said. "I already have done."

This ended up in about a 20 minute conversation with her foster dad trying to persuade her to go back to the hospital. She hates being sectioned and her foster dad quite rightly said, "You've been sectioned. You have no rights." Rights as in she can't discharge herself or make any form of decision without talking to her overseeing psychiatrist as she's not deemed to have the mental capacity. Well, that's how I understood it anyway. He could've meant something completely different! She eventually went with her foster mum in the car back to the hospital. She didn't want to go but if she didn't it would've resulted in the police having to take her back instead which would've provoked Sally, which would've been big bad news.

When she got back to the ward she hadn't even walked through the entrance before the whole "half-Keri half-Sally" thing started happening. She didn't speak to anyone. When someone did speak to her she told them to fuck off. She even refused her evening medication and spent a couple of hours pacing around the garden smoking and talking to herself. 

She did manage to calm herself down a bit at around 8.30pm and went and asked to speak to staff. She got a good nurse (let's call him Brian) and he sat and chatted to her for a while. Her talking was at super speed because she was so frustrated and her head was whirring around so fast she couldn't slow down her words. By the end of her chat she agreed to take her medication which she was supposed to have taken 3 hours earlier. She was grateful that Brian had found the time to talk but also frustrated over the fact that he said it was likely she'd be put on a 6 month section (she's still not allowed any unescorted leave) and also because he said she had delusional thoughts and psychotic thinking. Mention the word 'psychotic' and Keri goes off on one! 

She calmed down a bit afterwards but is still very tense as Sally is still like a walking time bomb. It would be good for Sally to come out so she could blow off steam in a safe environment where Keri won't get hurt but she doesn't seem to want to do that. Maybe she knows that she won't be able to do anything to Keri and won't fully come out for that reason. Who knows. All I know is that right now, Keri's been crying over the fact she just wants to be discharged and go home. She has no freedom, she has no rights, she has no privacy. But she's in a safe place and no one is going to let her drill a hole in her head or do anything life threatening. 

Oh yeah! Forgot to mention her care plan! She was given a copy when she got back from home leave which is what I think triggered everything to go off completely. She thought it was absolute bullshit and scribbled corrections all over the place, swearing and cussing and calling all the nurses fuckers. What annoyed her most was the part that said she says she requested a tribunal however no one has any record of this. She asked three nurses about wanting a tribunal three days after she was admitted, one of which said it had been recorded and put down! That's the part that tipped her over the edge, and Sally for that matter. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better and calmer day. 

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 19 & 20

Written by Fox.

DAY 19 - 26th August

It wasn't a good start for Keri. She was pacing the garden at 5am and decided to burn herself with her cigarettes again. Big black cross against the discharge idea. She's still drawing a lot. It's her silhouettes which are getting better and better! 

Keri's home leave was 'okay'. Liz and Phil know she needs to stay in hospital for longer though because of the way she was. She enjoyed the fact she was back at home and with her foster family but it was very obvious that she was still psychotic; she was staring out of the window at visual hallucinations of people that are supposedly spying on the house, she was very paranoid while her and her foster mum were shopping and back at the house, and that bug started scratching away at Keri's head so she paced up and down the garden a bit. I was extremely scared for her as her foster dad was using his power drill to fix a shelf on the fridge door. It was within her reach. The rushing thoughts, that overwhelming compulsion to grab that drill, and put it straight into her head where she could feel it crawling. I honestly thought she was going to grab it.

Going home was hard for her. Her foster parents had already said that they wouldn't lie to the doctors or staff in her CPA on Thursday which Keri is quite annoyed about. Even so, she hated leaving them behind knowing that she was going to resume being locked in the ward again. She's still not allowed unescorted leave. As soon as she has that then Sally or Keri will take opportunity of that, more likely Sally in the beginning to get away fast enough to not be caught. Just think quiet thoughts!

Got plenty of DVDs she brought back. I'm hoping that'll distract her more to pass the time and maybe her concentration could improve.

DAY 20 - 27th August

Another long day for Keri. She saw the physiotherapist this morning and she doesn't think it's arthritis although wants to make sure the blood results are clear. I'm assuming if they weren't someone would've seen Keri by now. Well, it's the NHS so who knows what to expect?!

Her outreach worker visited and they went to the supermarket to do some shopping and have a drink. It was good for Keri to get off the ward. I think it would've been too much to go any further today, not with the way she's feeling. She's added another burn to her wrist because the hallucinated men that are 'following her' were shouting abuse through the garden fence. That's three burns in total she has now. I'm hoping she won't do it again. I'm also very surprised they haven't confiscated her cigarettes or sit outside and watch her smoke if they have to. Isn't this supposed to be a place of safety?

Keri was actually nice to the staff earlier, which annoyed Clarissa! Keri had bought some chocolate variety things and decided to give them to the staff as a kind gesture. They were intended for Clarissa so she's not happy! However Keri does still have some packets of lollies which should keep her occupied for a while!

Keri's made more injuries to her head today. Poor girl got so desperate and used pieces torn off of a coke can! She hasn't told staff this though, they haven't even asked as it was late this evening she did it. I'm very suspicious that Sally has managed to get some blades. I don't know for definite but you know when your gut is trying to tell you something and it feels like an instinct? It's a bit like that. Well we'll find out sooner or later, or maybe we won't, best just to leave it and hope for the best. I'm doing a lot of hope here, hanging out on a leap of faith!