Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 2 months

Written by Fox.

Keri has spent half her time freaking out over her hallucinations and flashbacks. She keeps getting restrained. In less than a week the staff had to hold her down on the floor so that they could inject her with sedatives, this happened twice on different days. She's convinced that her dad has associates working inside the hospital to keep an eye on her and she's also made a 'friend' called Charlie. He's a hallucination but she doesn't realise. She's being sucked into another stress induced psychosis and no one is doing anything! When she's not being restrained she's still trying to search the hospital for her dad as apparently Charlie has told her he's hiding in a room at the end of the men's corridor which means the staff are repeatedly having to put her in safe holds and take her out of the corridor and try convincing her she's safe. Seriously, the staff talking to her is like talking to a brick wall. She hardly even knows where she is most of the time and is getting pretty disorientated a lot.

Yesterday she finally snapped because the staff kept saying Charlie wasn't real and that she was being paranoid. She thought they were being 'patronising twats'. She ended up on top of her wardrobe again and refused to go near the staff. It took a lot of persuasion but she did finally get down as soon as IH mentioned that if this all keeps happening and her mental health doesn't improve then they'll have no choice but to transfer her to the psychiatric intensive care unit next door to the unit we are on at the moment. The staff and Keri (and me for that matter) all know that if she's transferred over there she will get even worse. Sally also classes that as a threatening environment and she will fully take over Keri's personality which means things will end up involving a bloody forensic hospital!

On a good note, Keri's face is starting to heal up. It's still obviously very scarred but she's also given up smoking! It's been a whole week since she last had a cigarette. Her psychiatrist has prescribed nicorette patches and she has her electronic cigarette as well. She's doing amazing considering the horrible time she's been having. Honestly, there's no point in even arguing with her delusions as she starts getting really defensive and upset, especially if anyone uses the word 'psychosis'. She's on the maximum dose of Olanzapine anyway so I don't understand how she is still experiencing all this! Hopefully when she has her CPA tomorrow her psychiatrist will do something about it as everyone is very worried about her.

She's pretty much out of money until Friday (she spent a fair amount on cigarettes before she gave up and gets paid every two weeks), so she's also worried that she can't buy one of her family a birthday present and get it to him on time. Though hopefully she'll be allowed a home visit so she can give it to him. She's got until 13th October anyway so I think I need to tell her to stop worrying about it! 

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 16 days

Written by Fox.

Keri woke up this morning with her eye so swollen she could barely even open it. This was due to the burns she's inflicting near her eyes. The staff have let her have her lighter but she's burned herself twice today and it was during the daylight hours! The staff have her lighter now, though they've only had it for the last half an hour because Keri freaked out again but I'll get onto that later.

Extreme makeover for the hospital, courtesy of the CQC. Bathroom doors have been removed and protective sheets are now stuck on the windows, you can't see outside now! This has meant Keri's gone from having her bathroom kept locked all the time to having no door... Luckily she hasn't tried to use any ligatures today so still hoping she'll have a better night. She's had enough medication! They've doubled her dose of Olanzapine to the maximum 20mg and she's had a lot of PRN from when she's been hallucinating and freaking out.

Her first bad episode happened early afternoon when she was found by the physio huddled under her desk again, rocking and hyperventilating. Yet again unresponsive to verbal communication and even to physical contact for a bit as she was in a bad flashback. The physio managed to get through to her and took her out for a walk in the garden and a cigarette before she went inside and left Keri to it in her room. She's still on ten minute obs anyway. After this freak out Keri decided she was going to make a noose out of shoelaces 'just in case' and hid it. Unfortunately I can't do anything as she did it while me and David etc were busy dealing with Sally's emotions.

The second freak out she had was early evening when the staff found her rocking very violently on her bed and crying. It took a while yet again to get through to her but once they did they got her up for another cigarette and gave her some Lorazepam. It took a while for her to calm down again.

The worst freak out happened about an hour ago when Keri was deeply involved with a flashback. Instead of the usual responses of being disorientated and shouting at staff to 'stop that man taking her', she didn't. She was too deep within her flashback to know what was going on. The staff touched her and she instantly shouted that she had to catch her dad as he had her baby daughter in his arms and ran off. So Keri dumped the pills the staff had in her mouth, swallowed them and then rushed out of her door. She was looking everywhere for her dad even when the staff were trying to stop her. She was even barging into other patients' rooms! By the time it got to the point where she was going to raid the male corridor the staff shut the door to the corridor to physically stop her going down there and be able to sit her in a room with staff to get grounded. She can't remember half of what she did as it all turns into a blur. That's why the staff currently have her lighter due to her high risk presentation (well, higher than the usual high!).

Keri did manage to get out with IH again today to get a Costa but she was hallucinating and having flashbacks while she was out which hadn't happened before. Usually going out with IH is the break Keri needs from the ward to get some air and try to calm down, but this time it just stressed her out. Now she's scared to go out again. We don't need her turning agoraphobic again!

Is there something good I can say today? We're alive.

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 15 days

Written by Fox.

Well Keri was woken up at 11am for a ward round that was pretty unconstructive as her usual psychiatrist wasn't there. Unfortunately they had to discuss the possibility of having to go to ECH due to her state of mind right now. Because she was woken at 11am she ended up falling asleep in the afternoon which means she wasn't able to do her physio but did force herself to get out with IH (one of the two staff Keri most trusts, I'll use their initials for confidentiality) to get a coffee and some cigarettes.

Due to the fact it's being considered that she may have to go to ECH they got a nurse to come over from the unit to have a discussion about it. While he looked at the stuff in her room he just turned around and said Keri would hate it there, even if it was for a short amount of time (she wouldn't even be allowed her iPod unsupervised). This freaked Keri out a little bit but when she went out with IH he was very reassuring and explained that it wasn't another rejection and him and the rest of the staff are going to help support her as much as possible so that she doesn't get transferred.

By the time it hit around 7pm Keri really got bad and deteriorated very quickly. FF (the other one of Keri's most trusted member of staff) found her huddled underneath her desk, rocking and unresponsive. She did respond to physical touch after a while but she was really freaked out by seeing her daughter. She kept following Keri and every time she touches her Keri feels like it burns her and actually sees the handprint burned into her skin! FF managed to finally get her out from under her desk and down to the clinic room to get her some extra meds but Keri was getting worse. She ended up shooting across the room and hiding by a corner as she was still hallucinating her daughter. IH came in after a while to chat to Keri along with FF. 

No matter what people say to Keri she still feels like she's a monster. While her, IF and FF were in the clinic room, they were both trying to convince her that what happened wasn't her fault and that anybody who was in the situation Keri had been in wouldn't have been able to do anything much different. It didn't sink through though and she got freaked when her daughter started shouting that she made a dart out the clinic room and down the corridor to try and enter the pin to get out of the back door. This resulted in IF and FF having to restrain her, not in a bad way but more in a "you're not going anywhere" kind of way. After ten minutes of her refusing to go back down the corridor IF and FF had to force her along the corridor. When they got out onto the main ward area they sat Keri down in one of the dining room chairs as she was still an utter mess.

After FF deciding it was probably a good idea to have her anti-psychotics a bit earlier than normal, she took the medication and went outside with IH to have a couple of cigarettes and have a talk. She was still in tears. She stayed sat in the dining room on one to one with IH for a while with a cup of tea but she kept hallucinating and getting caught up in flashbacks which IH kept having to get her out of or reassure her. Several times she even started trying to claw out her eyes! While FF and IH were both with her they had to stop her by taking her wrists and moving them away from her eyes. It was horrible to see. One of the patients she gets along well with lingered around. He said to IH that he was sad and when IH asked him why he said it was because he could see his friend Keri so upset and distressed.

Keri's sat with staff watching Family Guy at the moment. She still keeps trying to claw at her eyes and getting caught up in flashbacks so it's good for her to have the company. She's not on one to one but the staff are trying to encourage her to use the emergency call button on her wall next to her bed. She's doing those loom band things to keep herself busy but is still distressed. Unfortunately we're one step closer to being transferred to ECH. Hopefully it doesn't happen but in my opinion, I think we'll end up there for a short while, medicated until she can't move...

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 2 weeks

Written by Fox.

Keri's been freaking out again today. She hasn't gone out at all as she was too scared to as she's seeing her daughter during the day now. She had her psychotherapy appointment which was mainly talking about the contact ban between her and her biological mum. She also had her daily physio and is still unfortunately having to remain on crutches whenever she has to go off the ward (she doesn't do much walking on the ward and they can be used as weapons so that's an issue too). The physio has started taking her to the gym now to strengthen her ankle so she'll be able to use it again properly without walking with her foot pointing out to the side.

Things started getting hard around 5PM. She started hallucinating. She distracted herself by decorating her walls with her drawings due to the fact she's going to be here at least another couple of months. The distraction didn't work for long and the staff found her huddled on top of her wardrobe again. It took medication and one of the staff talking to her for an hour before she finally got down and walked down to the nurses station to sit in there with her iPad and catch up on some programmes on iplayer. The staff were very good with her. There was someone there constantly and she got plenty of cups of tea! She was there for a good couple of hours but there was a stage where she freaked out again from hallucinating and shot underneath the desk crying as she was so scared. The member of staff who talked her down from the wardrobe managed to do the same thing talking Keri from getting out from underneath the desk and getting her back onto one of the chairs to carry on watching her programme. He even gave her one of his bars of chocolate! He's a lovely guy. He's the one that Keri's little brother has a crush on!

She's been on one to one smoking all day and isn't allowed her lighter. This has stopped her burning herself during the day but since the night shift started she's now burned her face three times and it's not even midnight. The staff come out and light her cigarette but she's lying to them and saying she's fine out there on her own. How the hell are they believing this?! It's barely 11.30pm and she's already burned three times! Hopefully the staff will catch on to that. They aren't idiots but sometimes I really get tired of them trying to take risks to assess Keri's capability of taking responsibility for herself. I know they have to so they know but Keri's not exactly going to wave her face at them and go "HEY LOOK WHAT IVE DONE". She'll just keep her hood up... Although even that doesn't really hide the burns very well.

She's got Family Guy on again! I'm beginning to love it. I like the world dominating baby and the talking dog. I don't know their names. Keri's obsessions are starting to rub off on me! In fact it's on now while I'm writing this!

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 13 days

Written by Fox.

I bet you were hoping I was going to write that things were getting better. No hope! She had brief respite when her brother came to visit yesterday. He distracted her and they were having a great laugh playing charades for a couple of hours but things got a bit dodgy when Keri started hallucinating. Her little brother was really good with her though and while they were at the desk he put his arm around her shoulder while she leaned his head on him. He was very reassuring and didn't seem to bat an eyelid even though she was hallucinating. He is truly Keri's rock.

Keri had a really good catch up with our foster mum as well which definitely lifted Keri's spirits for a few hours. I think she needed a good phone call. Our foster mum is still recovering but she's a lot better than she was! Keri is going to talk to the support worker here who does home visits that need to be escorted and hopefully they'll have a conversation about a home visit. Fingers crossed. Although with Keri's mental health at the moment it may turn out a bit awkward than normal. If anyone takes Olanzapine, I'd love your feedback about dosage and how it helped or effected you with psychotic symptoms.

Keri's still been burning her face every day with the exception of today. She's freaked out twice due to her hallucinating. She even ended up on top of her wardrobe shouting at her hallucinated daughter and throwing boxes. The staff had to get her down and get some medication in her as she was getting really upset and distressed. Her bedroom was then locked and Keri was out in the communal area with her iPad and headphones. It happened again a couple of hours ago when she went into her bathroom to wash. She hallucinated again and shouted out to the nurse just outside, despite the fact she was half naked... That's how freaked out she was! Dignity wasn't even an issue! Everyone's quite worried about Keri's mental health slowly getting worse. A lot of them have commented and have said they really don't like this. I don't blame them. She's back on one to one smoking. She was off it for a couple of days but due to the events of today the staff have had to take charge and responsibility as Keri is currently incapable of doing so.

Just have to keep praying that things will be okay. I read her care plan earlier and it mentioned that if Keri can't handle the responsibility of having her lighter etc then it's been discussed that she may have to be moved to ECH which is the psychiatric intensive care unit next door, otherwise known as a PICU. Let's hope it doesn't get to that point.

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 9 days

Written by Fox.

****** TRIGGER WARNING - Photos I took of Keri at the bottom again. Stop scrolling at the line of stars at the bottom of the post if you feel you may be triggered.

Keri has destroyed her face now all because of her being haunted by her daughter. The staff temporarily put in place that she couldn't have a lighter and had to go out on one to one while smoking but that still didn't stop her so now they've just given back her lighter. They know she'll do it even if they try putting things in place to stop her so it was pointless just restricting her more and more if things aren't helping. A lot of the staff do try doing one to ones at night though. On a couple of occasions Keri has dissociated into a trance and started rapidly writing all over the floor not realising what she was writing. The staff take a while trying to get Keri's attention as she's normally unresponsive until someone touches her but then she freaks out so I'm very glad the staff have gotten used to this and know to say who they are and where she is and give her some medication to keep her calm.

In her last ward round the psychiatrist has said that there's two locked units that he's going to refer Keri to. One is called Heatherwood Court (which is the preferable option for both Keri and the rest of her mental health team) and the other is St. Andrews. So it's a waiting game for a few more months again. Her psychiatrist also changed a lot of her medication in one session. He put her Diazepam back up to 30mg instead of continuing to wean off, he's put her straight onto 10mg of Olanzapine instead of Quetiapine, he's added another 50mg to her Sertraline dose... It's ridiculous. I'm wondering why Keri isn't in a coma half the time and why she still isn't sleeping! At about 11pm she was given 10mg Olanzapine, 10mg Diazepam, 2mg Lorazepam and 50mg Promethazine. Maybe I'm wrong but shouldn't Keri be asleep by now even though it's only been half an hour? They have given her a lot as she was crying and crying.. Staff even made her a nice hot chocolate. I can't emphasise how much they're really taking care of her. Plus she's still alive! Despite another ligature attempt.

She had a surprise visit from her old respite carers the other evening which was really nice for Keri. I haven't seen her laugh properly for weeks but they were really good at cheering her up. They've even offered to take her with them to their caravan once her mental health is better which Keri will love. 

I hope very much that Keri gets better soon. I know she's got a long way to go but at least getting her out of her depression and suicidality (including the stress-induced psychotic symptoms she gets). She's definitely not going to get any unescorted leave now it's decided she's going to a locked ward. Sally will take any chance to run.

And look at this! This arrived today for Keri. It was Jyestha's emergency care package that she sent. It's nine packets of timtams! Her brother might actually get to taste some on Saturday as Keri is pretty much fluid fasting, even though she just gave in to a cupcake her one to one brought in with a hot chocolate! Her body was craving sugar I think due to her crying.

At least we now know where Keri will be going and the waiting is the hard bit. The nurses are supportive and her bathroom is still locked and supervised. At least she's alive but at times it's just like she's a walking zombie. She spends most of her time lying or sitting on her bed. Her social life is limited as she's keeping herself withdrawn. Keep messaging her guys! Maybe it'll bring her out of her shell!

Will catch up with you soon guys!

**** Trigger Stars! Stop scrolling if you feel vulnerable. **************

This side is still swollen 😞

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 4 days

Written by Fox.

*****TRIGGER WARNING: Photo of Keri at the bottom of this post with the second-degree burns she's done over last night and the night before.*****

Well, with even more sleep deprivation I think Keri's setting the world record of how many times she can break down into tears in one day with staff having to try calming her down! She's very emotional right now which is another common side effect of not sleeping enough. After falling asleep at gone 3am she was back up before 6am. She was trying to force herself to stay awake but fell asleep for another hour at 8am. She's in serious need for some extra temporary sleep medication. The nurses said that even if the medication made her do nothing but be in bed for a few days it might calm down a lot of her symptoms.

Like I said last night about being very doubtful Keri was going to get through the night without any more burns on her face, well, I was right. I managed to get out for a minute or two to quickly nab a photo. That's why there's a trigger warning at the beginning of the post. The photo was taken this afternoon so won't include any damage tonight and, considering how much she's been crying about how horrible she is as a human being, I'm thinking she'll be adding more. I hope she doesn't go to the extent of having burns all over her face! I hate to see her in this state as it is!

She had a quick appointment with the physio today who gave her some mobility exercises to do for the next three days for when the physio starts seeing her again when she comes back into work on Tuesday. Her therapy session with her psychotherapist wasn't too successful. Keri went into a dissociative trance again and subconsciously started drawing while Fiona read to her for an hour. The rest of us could hear what Fiona was talking about but it felt like hearing it all underwater. She was trying to talk about coping with crisis. Despite Keri burning her face and trying to get away with ligatures, she's coping okay. Some people would be gobsmacked that I'd say that but considering what Keri is capable of doing, it may still be a terrible position to be in, but it definitely could be worse.

She managed to get out with staff again and get her nice sugary costa cooler thing. She's had a lot of sugary drinks today as she's now decided to start fluid fasting until she manages to get down to 40kg again, which will ruin the progress she made working to get her weight up to 50kg! Keri's seriously gone passed caring now though.

There was outrage when Keri heard about the professionals meeting yesterday. It was the psychiatrist and other staff from the ward. Her psychotherapist, personal advisor and care coordinator weren't there. Keri was so angry! You should've seen her shooting to Tesco on her crutches with staff to get her costa! The adrenaline was unbelievable! She's definitely crash landed though. She's short-tempered, agitated, exhausted, suicidal and overall, crap. Though staff spoke to her after reading the minutes of the meeting and apparently it went well and everyone is fighting to get her into a specialist placement for dissociative disorders, even if it takes several months to find somewhere suitable. Keri was glad that they were concentrating on her primary diagnoses of Dissociative Identity Disorder and her psychosis, rather than looking at her secondary diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. Me and David were very relieved to hear that! Now we've just got to get Keri through the next few months...

I really hope she doesn't do any more damage tonight. She's going to be on one to one every now and again so that she's kept a close eye on. The staff don't want anything to happen to her, especially trying to kill herself using bloody shoelaces!

************************

Sectioned in Hospital - 1 year 1 month 3 days

Written by Fox.

Keri had yet another sleep deprived night and only fell asleep properly around 11am this morning which meant she was in no condition to get out of bed to do her physio for her ankle today. She's seeing Keri every day anyway so she'll be back tomorrow morning.

Keri's managed to go out a couple if times with one of her most trusted staff again which has been nice getting Keri off the ward. He managed to lighten Keri's mood a little bit temporarily which I'm quite glad of. She's definitely built some upper arm muscle! She's finding being on crutches a lot less tiring than it was a week ago.

There's been a lot of people talking to Keri today about how she views herself. When asked about why she burned her face and her replying that if she's a monster on the inside then she should look like one on the outside, the staff have all said to her that she's not a horrible human being and not even close to being some kind of monster. Unsurprisingly this hasn't changed Keri's view of herself. She's now back to starving herself, vomiting, and ruining her face with more cigarette burns. It's a good job that the night shift staff are so supportive (and the day staff of course), especially when it means Keri needs to be on one to one obs for a while if she gets very distressed and scared.

Turns out the people working tonight are people that know Keri is having a terrible time. She's on one to one at the moment in her room with a member of staff to see if they can make sure that she doesn't burn her face again, unfortunately those thoughts are very strong in her head. I'm highly doubtful that by tomorrow morning Keri won't have additional burns on her face.

Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 28 days

Written by Fox.

Jesus. I think it's time for some kind of intervention or something here! Keri's gone completely looped this evening, or more rightly the last 4 hours considering it's nearly 4am.

I thought the day started quite well. Keri was given her Quetiapine and also some extra Lorazepam for her home visit just in case, the staff read her diary and also checked her bag; both before leaving and also on coming back as there was a very short period where Keri's foster mum was showing Keri's 'pet nurse', as she called her, around the garden. Keri didn't dissociate but because she could've dissociated and dashed in and out the kitchen they checked anyway. Her home visit went very well. Like I said in my last post, I knew she'd feel differently as soon as she stepped foot in that door. She described it as 'walking on the clouds of heaven'! She was happy to see her foster mum but was getting really confused over the fact she knew so much of what Keri was doing. Keri still thinks I'm taking a break from blog posts so doesn't know her foster mum sees them. She was only able to stay for just over an hour but an hour was all Keri needed. She was out of hospital, despite being escorted, and she felt like she was home again. I will admit that there were a lot of us that were reluctant to leave and come back to the hospital but did anyway without any hassle from Sally as me and David had that covered. If you're reading this, thank you for letting Keri visit! 

For a few hours Keri was actually feeling a bit better. For some reason from about 11.30pm she's just... I don't even know how to explain it. She's self-harmed several times again and now has dressings all the way up her left forearm, she's in and out of dissociative trances and isn't really able to listen to anyone and is getting preoccupied (which one of the nurses pointed out when he was sorting out Keri's arm, stating that she was a lot more distracted than usual). She's spent a lot of the last few hours rocking on her bed, shouting random things in rhymes and when she's outside smoking she's climbing on all the garden furniture and jumping from bench to bench! She's been dosed up to her eyeballs again but she's just completely manic, but very depressed. It's weirding me out! I don't like it! She's not even close to going to bed and keeps wandering round and round in figures of eight. I don't understand how she was okay one minute then suddenly switched to this! And I know it's not another personality as I deliberately checked to make sure. 

She saw the dietician who said she'd bought Keri a cereal bar to eat each day. She gave Keri one today which sat on her bedside table. Once it started getting dark she went out in the garden while no one was watching, took it out the wrapper, chucked it over the fence then went back to her room and strategically placed the empty wrapper very noticeably in her bin so she knew the staff would see it and write on her fluid/food intake chart that she's had a cereal bar when in reality she's eaten naff all.

I really hope her psychotherapist is able to do something if she's still like this tomorrow as I'm really at a loss. David has no idea what to do either and several personalities have decided to start arguing about cheese! What is this world coming to right now! Someone explain it to me because... I don't understand and normally I understand things ten times better than anyone else internally. But now I'm clueless. I'm never clueless. Does that mean there's something wrong with me too? If I spoke, I'd be shouting at a wall right now, and I'm pretty passive!

Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 26 days

Written by Fox.

Well, it's been a week since I was last able to write any kind of post. Internally and externally things have just been chaos. Sally is still homicidal, Trixie has now been conned by Sally and now thinks she's a completely separate person again so an overdose would be on the cards but thank you for giving Keri a sensible psychiatrist! Keri has been here for over a month and usually after a week of being transferred to a different ward she's able to have unescorted leave. This time it hasn't been the case on this ward as there's various factors that prevent it being safe for Keri to go out; Sally wants to murder people with no thought to the consequences, Trixie wants to overdose and Keri wants to drown us all out with vodka. Only in the last two days, Keri has self harmed ten times! She had less than two hours sleep last night and it's likely the same will happen again tonight.

Her eating? Don't go there. For a while Keri was buying food and throwing up, or she's just not bothering to eat. The dietician is concerned and I caught a glimpse of the first page of their observation folder (as far as I'm aware Keri didn't see it). They have a sheet specifically for recording Keri's fluid and food intake, and they know she's been making herself sick due to the fact they keep a close eye after she's finished eating and know when she's locked her door and disappeared into her bathroom. The dietician suggested to Keri that it might be best to have the staff lock her ensuite door every time she buys food. Keri was dead against this as she said she'd completely panic and not eat at all. She won't make herself sick in one of the public toilets and she told the dietician that who completely understood that it was a 'private affair'. What help is that?

She fasted for a few days and then binged today. She's planning another fast starting, well, at 7.15pm which is over 6 hours ago.

She was able to meet with her personal advisor yesterday who brought along the virtual school officer (she will pay for Keri to do any online course for qualifications, a couple of years ago she managed to get an A Level in Psychology!). At first I thought Keri was optimistic, then realised she was faking which meant Clari half came out. Keri was talking but Clari kept her tone of voice quite upbeat and got her laughing. Truth is, Keri's too depressed to care.

Her ward round today consisted of Keri getting more and more annoyed with the staff and her psychiatrist. What's the saying? The straw that breaks the camel's back? That might end up being tomorrow if her tribunal result ends up being that her section is to remain as it is, which is going to happen. Keri made it quite clear what she wanted and said straight out to everyone in the room "All I want is fucking discharge papers and a bottle of vodka". She's going to be called alcohol dependent at this rate!

Her psychotherapist made it to the ward round and spoke to the psychiatrist before and after Keri was in there. Her opinion is to remove any contact Keri has with her mother and her mother's boyfriend for 2 - 3 months and then review it. For me I think this is good. Keri may want to see her mum on a biological level but it's not good for Keri. She always seems to go a bit loopy after her mum leaves. Coincidence? Some people think it is. Most people don't. And Keri needs to concentrate on her therapy right now, even though her brain is telling her to tell everyone to 'fuck off'. She was excited a few days ago that someone finally sorted out some escorted home leave to her foster parents, but now there's no enthusiasm for anything! I do think that when she actually gets there she might feel differently (although I'm going to text our foster mum and get her to hide the knifes from the magnetic strip they have! Not because I think Sally will come out but if they're out of sight they're out of mind and me and David won't have to start fighting with her if she glimpses one. If they're in a drawer, not a problem).

Her antipsychotics and other medications better kick in properly soon or Keri's going to end up in a very deep hole, though I'm worried she is already. She can't openly discuss her feelings. She tells the staff she's fine all the time even though one member of staff here has commented on her change in mood and behaviour as he's worked nights the last couple of days (Jamie's actually got a crush on the guy!). Keri may think she's not giving them any leverage by not talking about anything but in reality her brain has gone haywire..

Sectioned in Hospital - 9 months 2 weeks

Written by Fox.

On the good side of things, Keri is able to form full sentences and slept like a log because of her medication! On the downside she's severely depressed and suicidal and is desperate to get out of hospital. Her self harm has been obscene (as in the quantity of the self harm not the depth).

A nurse spoke to her while she went on leave to tesco and Keri said all she wanted to do was go back and live with her foster parents but knew it wasn't possible as she recognises that she needs 24 hour care. The nurse said that it was possible if Keri's foster parents were happy to have a nurse arranged to be with Keri while no one could be around to supervise. Obviously this isn't possible but it was nice for Keri to know that it was possible to get a nurse to live with you for 24 hour care outside of hospital. Though obviously it's still unlikely she'll be discharged for a while... 

Tomorrow Keri's going to demand her section be lifted. I think chaos may ensue. What's the phrase? Keep calm and carry on?

Edit (1AM): Keri almost had another fainting episode so the nurse had to do her physical observations. She hadn't eaten for three days but has eaten today. She's going to have to be reviewed by a doctor tomorrow as her blood pressure is too low, her breathing is quite fast and her pulse is 140! About the only things that were good were her temperature and oxygen levels!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 13 days

Written by Fox.

DAY 167 - 21st January, Tuesday

Well, what can I say, Sally paid a visit today although there were a few times while she was taken by two staff to A&E that she almost came out. You could tell from Keri's posture, the pained expression on her face, the hyperventilating (which went on constantly for over three hours), the kicking walls, fists clenched and punching walls, refusing to sit anywhere near anyone and stand by the wall, pacing up and down... Need I go on? Sally had cut Keri's arm again and she needed to go and get stitches. Clive made sure the car doors were locked on the way back to the unit so maybe the staff are able to predict when risks are higher as Sally was planning to jump out at a traffic light. I do have to say that Fi (one of the students who started yesterday) seems like she'll be a very good nurse. She was calming to Keri, and so was Clive. Keri hasn't had much interaction with Clive but he was very supportive as it was clear how difficult it was for Keri to even be in the hospital. They made sure that most of the time both staff were there as Clive did say to the receptionist that it was a delicate situation (although Keri didn't hear anything as she kept going into dissociative trances).

She was back to fasting today but after losing a lot of blood and feeling wobbly, by the time she got back she asked Fi to get her £5 worth of chocolate and she was going to microwave a couple of packets of popcorn which is exactly what she did. Unfortunately she then spent the last of her energy making herself sick as she felt so guilty about eating all of it. Now her body is totally drained. Keri's asked Viv to hand over to the morning staff not to wake her before midday if she's not up before then as she's so desperate to get some sleep and hide under her duvet. Unless you experience it yourself you don't know how draining it is. It's literally like running a marathon with no fuel to help you run.

David has written a letter for Fiona for her psychotherapy appointment on Friday. I don't know what it says and neither does anyone else. Keri doesn't even know that the letter exists so David will probably leave it on her desk about five minutes before Fiona is due to arrive for the appointment.

Keri's still on one to one but I think it's being reviewed again tomorrow. The problem is, if she's on one to one, Keri will end up being cut up by Sally. If she's not on one to one Sally will quite happily either slip out the door when no one is looking or climb the garden fence. What kind of choice does that leave Keri or the staff? Unfortunately, because she's hardly even in the early stages of treatment, Keri can't control the dissociating. That's the thing that most upsets Keri. She doesn't like feeling out of control.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 164 & 165

Written by Fox.

DAY 164 & 165 - 18th & 19th January, Saturday & Sunday

Keri's got her sleeping pattern all out of sync again. She was actually doing quite well and getting up before midday every day but has suddenly slipped back into old habits. I think she'll try again tomorrow but she's had a hard couple of days, I think her body actually needs the sleep and don't think the staff should be trying to wake her except perhaps to give her medication or she has an appointment. I don't think they realise just how draining dissociating is, or even having to fight all day feeling switchy. 

Yesterday when she was feeling switchy in the evening she took her blu-ray player downstairs to the main lounge and borrowed a couple of DVDs that one of the Matts had brought in. That kept her partially distracted although she still found it very hard. The bank nurse that was there actually turned around and said how relaxing the unit was and that he'd never been paid to sit for two hours to watch television! (He was Keri's one to one nurse at the time). 

I was quite worried that Sally would hurt Keri last night as she's still a ticking time bomb. Luckily that didn't happen and Keri was actually in bed before 3am! Even though she went to bed earlier than normal she still couldn't get herself out of bed before midday today. Being on her own in her room makes these unknown voices she hears and her visual hallucinations worse. The problem is, half the time Keri doesn't even realise they aren't real so doesn't think to ask the staff for help. Although she's had to spend time in her room as her motor and vocal tics have been getting worse and she gets embarrassed when they happen in front of other people. Normally she's able to keep them suppressed and then have a complete fit of them in her bedroom, but now they've got to the point where she can't hide them very well. She's had them all her life, and it's genetic as some of her family have motor tics too, although they aren't as extreme as Keri's, in fact they're hardly noticeable at all and you wouldn't know they had them if you didn't point them out. That's mainly down to do with stress and anxiety associated with her DID. One of her GPs (when she was younger) was going to refer her to someone she knew that dealt with treatment for Tourette's Syndrome but it was never followed up.

Unfortunately my thought about Sally hurting Keri last night turned out to be right, except the timescale was wrong. It ended up happening around 5.30 this evening. The wound needed stitches but the bloody nurse used skin links when Matt took her to the Urgent Care Centre! The wound glue makes her skin come up in rashes. This is listed as an allergy on her records but obviously wasn't paid attention too. Plus the skin links are useless anyway. The wound isn't even properly together in the middle! It really annoys me when they don't stitch Keri up. She only goes to the hospital when she needs stitches and Julie, who was doing triage, said that she needed them. It was purely on the fact that stitching would take too long and people wanted to go home. Selfish imbeciles.

Another highlight which has gotten Keri fuming is that Garry (the nurse that treated Keri) said that a rule was going to be put in place that the unit would have to send any self harmers to an A&E department. The nearest A&E department is roughly 40 minutes away! The Urgent Care Centre is about 10 minutes! With much lower waiting times. Keri was outraged and said it was total discrimination. She quoted a quote given to her by Mike (a nurse who knows her very well there) when she complained to him about a nurse refusing to give her treatment as 'it would take too long'. He said "The only thing you need to say is that it clearly says in the NMC guidelines that you can't refuse me medical treatment unless I'm aggressive, violent or intoxicated". He said as soon as the NMC guidelines were mentioned then nurses would get a bit hot under the collar. She's planning to ring the hospital tomorrow and see if Mike is working to ask about this new rule and to help her write a letter of complaint about the fact it's mental health discrimination. Good on her. Although she's too occupied with Sally at the moment to have her mind wander very much further than the shouting in her ears.

It's Monday tomorrow so that might mean Keri is being taken off one to one observation, although I doubt that's going to be stopped right now. It's been over a week. I'd say it is good for her to be on one to one because it lowers Keri's risk (which is really high at the moment because she's lacking any form of hope, the forefront of her thoughts is still suicide though I doubt she'll mention that to staff) but it does make Sally get revved up. Keri tried unescorted leave today too but had to rush back after getting her stuff. She started getting a headache in the store and she told Matt this while he walked with her. She really struggled and had to resort to having extra medication when she got back on the ward.

One last thing, Keri fasted for 7 days and something like 15 hours. She ate within a two hour time slot and has started another fast again, until tomorrow during her next two hour time slot (basically where she eats what she wants)... After that she'll be fasting for another 7+ days. She gets weighed tomorrow for her physical obs. God help us all!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 113, 114 & 115

Written by Fox.

DAY 113, 114 & 115 - 28th, 29th & 30th November, Thursday, Friday & Saturday

I went to visit Alder Unit with our psychotherapist on Thursday! It seems a very nice place. I wanted to see it for myself so the psychotherapist was kind enough to arrange that she could take me over, and also introduce me to the staff so they knew who I was. Most of the time we were with a guy called Matt who seemed really down to earth and was quick to cotton on to the fact I didn't talk. It was nice having the psychotherapist there as she could explain things a lot quicker than me having to write it all down. All in all I think we will like it in that unit, but it could cause some problems with the sudden freedom.

Keri didn't get up until 2pm on Friday. Even when the physio came in and tried getting Keri to do her exercises! She still refused to move. She gave the shock machine (whatever it's called) to the physio as the battery was running low. According to her it was working fine, bearing in mind it had been sat on Keri's bedside table all night. Fifteen minutes after Keri had put it on for the day and the battery thing started flashing again so she ended up buying some more batteries. She's keeping the receipt so she can get reimbursed after seeing how expensive the batteries were!

Keri had her psychotherapy session on Friday even though it was planned that I was going to attend. The truth was, we were all way too tired. Sally sucks all the energy out of us when she's going to do something and the rest of us are just left feeling like vegetables. The psychotherapist explained my alter map to Keri. I'd drawn out a map of our alters (Keri didn't even know about most of them) and Keri had seen it but not understood it. She explained what I'd done and what we'd spoken about when I'd had appointments with her. Keri was still confused by the end of it but it was explained as well as it could have been!

She didn't risk any unescorted leave yesterday as Sally was very restless and Keri was scared about what might happen if she went out. She asked the staff if she could have escorted leave to the supermarket (she's only allowed ground leave on her own anyway). The nurse said she was taking another patient out and that she could come along if she wanted. It was planned that one nurse was going to take both Keri and the other patient but it was later decided before leaving that another nurse should go because of Keri's risk level. It's a bit silly as she's moving to Alder Unit soon.

That night was bad! Keri had all her medication, and her sleeping medication, and by 4.30am she was still pacing and unsettled so she ended up being given some Lorazepam. That didn't work either! So she's had no sleep besides the point when she quite literally collapsed on her floor at around 10am. The staff were unable to give her any medication as she was out for the count! She woke up in the recovery position a few hours later but I've no idea whether the staff did that or whether Keri did it subconsciously.

So this afternoon Sally decided to screw us all over. I did wonder what she was going to do as we'd all felt so drained. She decided to cut open Keri's wrist again except she took it a step too far. She needed 16 stitches just for one cut, each having to be doubled over because of the depth. Keri was very lucky to find the cut when she did. Given the chance Sally would've cut it deeper and would've likely hit some serious blood vessels or a vein etc.

While at the hospital the nurse who escorted her said she was lucky she hadn't been moved to ECH. Apparently due to Keri's self harm there had been much discussion about it, especially due to the length of time we've been sectioned. For those that don't know, ECH is the secure female ward for patients that are deemed too dangerous to be in an average acute ward. You can't have pens, CDs, headphones, anything electronic, you're constantly on 5 minute observation, you're confined to the ward and the garden is kept locked until the patients are allowed to smoke every hour, plus there are alarms covering all the fences so even if a patient touches one the alarms go off, the fences are also ten feet tall rather than on Lime Unit where they're only about eight feet. We found out that the only reason she hadn't been moved is because most of her coping techniques would've been removed. She wouldn't be allowed her laptop for movies, she wouldn't be able to have her phone to text or chat, she wouldn't be allowed her iPad for games, she wouldn't be allowed her internet, she wouldn't be able to write due to the fact she wouldn't be allowed a pen, and she wouldn't have her iPod which she uses when the voices she hears (including us talking inside) are getting too loud for her to bare. That was a massive shock to me when I heard it, especially as they're moving her to the rehab ward! The nurse even said "If this carries on then we'll be seeing you again, if you're not put on ECH". Reassuring huh?

I doubt Keri will sleep much tonight but here's hoping! She's just had her evening medication and is likely to go and sit in the communal area for a while. She's taken off her shock machine now so hopefully she can cope otherwise she's going to end up in another medication induced coma...

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 108, 109 & 110

Written by Fox.

DAY 108, 109 & 110: 23rd November, Saturday - 25th November, Monday

I'm sorry I haven't written for a few days guys but I haven't been around much online, it's mainly been Keri. I've had to focus on other stuff!

Since her ten minutes unescorted leave Keri hasn't been out unescorted since. Tiny things are triggering her off, even to the point of her nearly bursting into tears if she even catches sight of a young child. In her mind, everyone is abusive, every child is being abused, and even if they appear happy she thinks they're not. I think this must be a backlash from court. Keri's mind can't get her head around a non abusive life. She started to when she was living with her foster parents but since moving out and having to do the court case, she's completely distrusting again and is protective of children she doesn't even know, just random ones she sees in Tesco. The evil looks she gives to the accompanying adults make them walk away as fast as possible!

There was another self harm episode on Saturday which was very deep but Blondie managed to put it together with steri strips. The problem is, six hours later and the wound was still bleeding. The night staff tried re-steri stripping the wound but it still bled. The next day they were talking about having to take Keri to go and get stitched until Keri reminded them of the fact that hospitals had a 12 hour rule. If a wound has been left partially or fully open for more than 12 hours since it happened then they won't stitch it just in case they're sewing in an infection that's already settled into the wound. So Keri's been left with steri-strips and just has to keep getting her dressing changed.

Keri is now completely definite Jamie isn't a demon. A few days ago she was still having a couple of doubts but now she's been online and spoken to him and apologised massively. She feels so guilty about it. She spent ages gathering evidence, trying to persuade other people, and even refused to buy him a birthday present for his 17th birthday back in January. Now she feels like she's got her little brother back. I'm really glad about this. Their relationship used to be amazing and her brother has been very forgiving. He realised Keri was just unwell and had developed a delusion. He hasn't taken it personally and is talking to Keri quite happily. Thanks Jamie, you're a very patient brother to Keri!

I came out about 12.15pm which was fifteen minutes before Keri's psychotherapist was going to arrive but she didn't arrive on time and I let Keri back out. Keri knew I'd been out and told her psychotherapist I wanted to speak to her and that I wanted to visit Alder Unit myself, not just looking at it from Keri's perspective. Hopefully she'll be able to arrange something with the manager this week. She talked to her psychotherapist about her self harm etc and the nurses had even sent her an email asking what she was going to do about Keri's self harm! The answer is nothing! No one can do anything if Keri's zoning out at the time or just dissociating completely. If you've got no control over a situation you can't stop the situation happening!

The physiotherapist ambushed her today and Keri's really not feeling it right now but she wants to look at Keri's back. Keri's posture is terrible as she usually keeps her head down and avoids all eye contact unless she's talking to someone she really trusts like her foster parents and certain members of staff. The problem is, for the physio to look at her back she needs to view Keri's whole posture which means Keri would have to be in shorts and a vest. That was a big no no! She made that quite plain to the physio!

I've had to come out a lot this evening and keep checking Keri's Internet history. One of the alters that she's unaware of is really into porn and I've had to keep coming on and deleting all the sites he's visited. I'm getting tired of secrets but this is one Keri really doesn't need to know about. She'll panic if she knows she's got an alter like that inside her. She's only just getting her head around Clari's promiscuity! That's another reason I wanted to speak to our psychotherapist. Plus I've found another 7 alters. That makes more than 40 of us now! 

Her sleep pattern is getting worse. Last night she stayed up until gone 5am this morning because of all the noise the voices are making (aka all the alters, and unknown voices which is confusing). This evening she's spending time sitting in the communal area, even though it's now early morning. It's likely that the staff will give her some Lorazepam along with her sleeping medication. They're well aware of the fact she's having trouble with how noisy most of the voices are. She's got her headphones though which is her coping technique and the nurses encouraged sitting in the communal area, even if it was 3 or 4am, just to make sure she doesn't do anything dangerous.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 104 & 105 (15 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 104 & 105 - 19th & 20th November, Tuesday & Wednesday

Sorry I couldn't write yesterday's blog post guys. Clari decided to get utterly stoned so I wasn't in much of a state to write a post! Keri had to deal with the comedown this afternoon. She went to bed just after 1 and couldn't even move until gone 2.30 in the afternoon! She even left Keri a message on the whiteboard in her room saying "keri thanks for taking the comedown today haha p.s sally said shell get you tomoz xxx". What a lovely message.

Besides that yesterday was quite quiet. It turns out that Keri didn't have a CPA after all. It was a professionals meeting. In other words it's exactly the same as a CPA except Keri's not invited; a dozen professionals thinking they know what they're talking about all gathered together talking behind our backs. No self harm though! That's a bonus. Although Keri has been getting quite agitated with this bug she thinks is crawling in her brain and has resorted to bang her head against the wall to make it stop...

But, moving on to today. Sally self harmed but Keri didn't tell anyone about it right away as she was ambushed by Brian and her psychiatrist. Keri panicked as there was blood all over her bathroom and no dressing on her wound so she quickly shut her bathroom door and put her coat on so the blood wouldn't seep through it. 

Brian and her psychiatrist sat down with Keri in an interview room to give her some feedback from the meeting they had yesterday. Sye is keeping the bed free until Keri is allowed to leave Lime Unit, so the bed is there and won't be used before she's ready to go. The problem that came up was that Keri isn't allowed to go to Alder Unit until she's at least allowed out safely on her own which isn't happening at the moment. She spent nearly two weeks confined to the ward (besides being taken to be stitched) and has only recently been out twice with staff escorted to the supermarket. She has to be carefully monitored as she tries slipping things like razor blades into her shopping basket. Brian and her psychiatrist decided to discuss unescorted leave. Starting tomorrow Keri will be allowed half an hour ground leave, on the condition she keeps her phone with her at all times. Brian is also going to make her a flash card to keep with her in case she panics saying things like "PHONE THE UNIT" or "IT WONT WORK" (this is to do with Keri trying to get to the suspension bridge). There was a lot of talk about the risks involved such as Keri's self harming, her dissociating and her urges to go to the suspension bridge. 

When she spoke to Brian later on when he was sorting the flash card he said that normally they'd wait about an hour after someone was due back before calling the police but in Keri's case it would be almost straight away so she'd have no time to get to the bridge and would be picked up before she got there. That's what he meant by the "IT WONT WORK" statement he's going to put on the flash card. They want to take some risks but they're doing it carefully due to Keri's complete lack of impulse control at the moment.

After they're conversation Keri ended up telling the staff about the self harm as she needed stitches. Her psych and Brian had asked during their session if she wanted to harm herself and she said 'no' but what they didn't realise at the time was that Sally had already self harmed immediately before speaking to them and Keri was feeling kind of numb. She ended up with more stitches in her arm but at least some were able to be taken out today so that's a bonus. Unfortunately that's another red mark on her record.

Clari is planning to get completely stoned tonight after Keri's had her sleeping tablet at about 1ish. That's why I'm writing this blog post now otherwise I won't get the chance to otherwise! The staff know Clari has been out and been smoking weed. Keri was particular about who she told and ended up telling Jewels who escorted her to the hospital. The reason she's particular is because she likes speaking to people that understand the situation, such as Keri's amnesia and her not being able to tell anyone whether Clari has a stash. Some staff members just don't understand it. Jewels has reported it to the night staff during handover so maybe Clari won't get away with is. We'll find out later!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 102

Written by Fox.

DAY 102 - 17th November, Sunday

***TRIGGER WARNING - SELF HARM IMAGES***

The reason I wanted to put a couple of pictures is to show the kind of thing that ends up happening when Keri zones out, dissociates, or Sally decides to have a crack at opening her wrists. There are no images of open wounds, they're all stitched. There's no gore, blood, exposed muscle/fatty tissue or anything like that but I put a warning anyway.

Keri managed to get to bed at 1am today, making sure to take all her medication about an hour earlier than she normally does. Her plan was to hopefully get a good night's sleep and wake up at more of an appropriate time than the middle of the afternoon! Unfortunately she woke up at 2.30am and couldn't get back to sleep. By the time it hit 3am she was wide awake and ended up making herself a coffee and smoking herself stupid out in the garden. She found the air quite refreshing. She knew that she'd had a nightmare from the way she woke up (her duvet had been thrown on the floor and she woke up because she banged her head against the wall while she was thrashing about). She was surprisingly perky considering she'd had less than two hours sleep. I think it was down to over tiredness. With her medication she should've slept through until at least late morning.

At 5am Keri zoned out a bit and ended up self harming again. She didn't actually realise she'd self harmed as she ended up lying in bed. At first she thought she'd just dreamed that it had happened but then saw the blood soaking through her pyjamas and panicked. She made a makeshift dressing to stem the bleeding. She didn't want to tell the night staff as she didn't want to go to the BRI. The Urgent Care Centre which she normally goes to is only open 8am to 8pm so she was going to wait for the shift changeover before saying anything (the night staff and morning staff have their handover between 7am and 7.30am). Once this was over she ended up telling staff and she was off on her way to the hospital.

She was there with staff for nearly 5 hours, however Keri was quite calm. The tiredness had hit her now and they'd medicated her up before they allowed her to leave to get stitched. She spent 3 hours desperately trying to stay awake but it was extremely difficult for her to fight off sleep deprivation, blood loss and a load of medication! Eventually she was seen and stitched up. You could tell Sally had done it purely based on the depth of the wound. Keri was really annoyed as she'd been hoping to go out with a nurse this afternoon but that was only going to be possible if she'd had no self harm incidents.

By the time they got back, Keri quickly ate a sandwich and then was given her Diazepam. Less than ten minutes later and she was out cold asleep on her bed. She didn't wake up until nearly 7pm when Brian came in to give her her next dose of Diazepam.

"How are you feeling?" he said sympathetically, his face looking concerned.

"Like I'm walking on my eyeballs," Keri said.

"I've got your medication here."

As Keri took the water and her tablets Brian started talking.

"Did anyone tell you that a bed is available over in Alder Unit on Wednesday?" he said.

Keri shook her head. Alder Unit was the unit next to Lime Unit, it was the rehabilitation unit everyone was planning on sending her to.

"Well, there's going to bed free..." he said, hesitating for a second. "Unfortunately, with this all still going on and us not being able to let you off the ward I don't think we're going to be able to send you over there yet."

"I know," Keri said, defeat in her voice. "But I've got ward round on Tuesday. Maybe they'll talk about it then."

"Maybe," he said, getting up to leave. "You get some more rest. Emily will probably have a one to one with you later on if you feel up to it."

"I'm going to have to get up now anyway," Keri said, looking at her watch. "It's gone 7. If I go back to sleep now I'm going to end up having the same disaster as last night."

Brian left and Keri grabbed her cigarettes and made a cup of coffee. While she was out smoking, Emily arrived.

"Hey Keri," she said. "Do you want your one to one now?"

Keri stubbed out her cigarette and followed Emily to one of the interview rooms. Emily was the nurse that made the deal that if there were no self harm incidents then she'd take Keri out this afternoon. They had quite a good one to one session. Emily had been planning on taking Keri over to Alder Unit to have a look around and see what it's like but obviously they hadn't been able to because off the state Keri was in. After about twenty minutes Keri was half asleep as her other dose of Diazepam had kicked in. Emily made sure to agree with Keri what she was going to do; watch some comedy, eat some chocolate, and try and stay awake. Emily encouraged Keri to speak to the staff if she felt like self harming again. Keri was taking responsibility for what happened that morning, not mentioning that she hadn't actually realised she was doing it at the time.

So she's had her evening medication. She's not going to bother taking everything early so she's not having her sleeping medication until 1am as usual. Hopefully she gets some rest! She has to be up tomorrow by 12.30pm as she has her psychotherapy appointment. Let's just hope she rests easy tonight.

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***Both of these pictures are the inside of each of her wrists. The first one is of her right, the second of her left (however one has a dressing covering it due to the signs of an infection). Keri's never good at keeping them on! Silly Keri :(***

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Sectioned in Hospital - Day 98 to Day 100

Written by Fox.

Well we've finally hit day 100! I haven't written a blog post for the last few days as not much has happened besides Keri becoming increasingly depressed and still needing stitches and being on ten minute obs. 

Today Keri wasn't even up for ten minutes before she had cut open her wrist. She didn't tell the staff for a couple of hours and pretended she was fine for a while. She didn't get up until 2pm anyway. The staff and the doctor had words with her today while they were cleaning her wound and ordering a taxi so they could take her to the hospital.

"Oh my god, Keri," the doctor said. "You've gone very deep there. We're going to have to send you for stitches again. I'm going to have to go and speak to the consultant to see what we're going to do about this as this has become a daily occurrence. It can't go on like this. We were supposed to be sending you to the rehab unit but we can't do that with the amount you're having to be checked on and you can't even go out alone without staying safe. I'll let the staff deal with your wound while I talk to the consultant."

Keri never said a word through all this. One of the nurses cleaned Keri's cut and put a temporary dressing on it. It was the worst cut she's done in the last week and it's causing more and more concern. One to one observation is a last resort but they're considering that option more and more. Keri's getting visited by her mum and her partner tomorrow so hopefully that'll keep her occupied for a couple of hours instead of cutting herself, or Sally doing it. 

Only a couple of minutes later and the doctor was back. The nurse had already given Keri some Lorazepam, along with all the meds she missed this morning. 

"Right," the doctor said. "We've looked at your dose of Diazepam and you're on 7mg three times a day. We've decided that for the time being until this crisis period is over that we're putting your dose up by 9mg so you'll be getting 10mg three times a day. You've also got Lorazepam if the staff feel you need something extra. Obviously when things calm down we can start thinking about lowering your medication again but right now we won't think about that."

Keri went with staff to get her arm stitched up and has spent the rest of the day in a drug induced stupor. Even at the hospital it was obvious she was medicated heavily. Her favourite nurse came in while Keri was being stitched as he was working and was on a break.

"Hello Keri," he said. "It's been a long time since I've seen you."

"Yeah," Keri slurred. "Been sectioned at Callington."

"How long have you been there?"

"Since 8th August. Don't think you'll be getting that bar of aero chocolate."

"No I don't think so! How many drugs have you had Keri? You can hardly put together a sentence and you look like a zombie!"

"We've had to give her a lot of medication to keep her calm and try and stop her self harming this badly, haven't we Keri?" the escorting nurse said.

Keri just slowly nodded her head.

For those that don't know, the nurse had a bet with Keri that she'd stop self harming and recover eventually and if it happened Keri would have to buy him a big bar of mint aero chocolate! Not happening at the moment!

This evening she's been texting a bit and smoking a lot. She's settled down to watch Children in Need now. She makes sure she never misses it and donates £50 every year. It's the only charity she donates to and she stays up and watches all of it broadcast on the BBC. Hopefully this means no more self harm. I doubt she'll be able to watch all of it anyway. She's so drained from the amount of medication (plus she's got sleeping medication to take at 1am) that I doubt she'll be able to force her eyes to stay open!

I wanted to say thank you to everyone supporting us. It's been really difficult for all of us and you guys keep us going with your supportive comments and messages :) I hope we aren't letting you down!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 97

Written by Fox.

DAY 97 - 12th November, Tuesday

Well it's now been 4 days of ten minute observation and being confined to the ward. She hasn't been out at all today and she's starting to get extremely jealous seeing everyone being discharged and going out on leave, most on their own, some with staff. I don't blame them for not letting her out though. She's a high risk, way too high. She was also annoyed to find out that there were only three people on ten minute obs (they don't check the HDU every ten minutes anymore). Keri is one of them and the only reason the other three are is because they're new on the ward. That's really gotten to her.

When she woke up this afternoon she self harmed barely an hour after she got up. She went to the staff who gave her her medication and managed to steri-strip the wound, however it's still gaping. It would've been better being stitched. Then she self harmed again this evening. Blondie gave her her 1am medication and steri-stripped the wounds on her wrist. If she gets any more anxious again then the night staff want her to ask for some Lorazepam if she wants to self harm again. I think that'll work. Keri's looking for drugged up numbness at the moment. That's what the staff want as well until things are more stable!

Keri's solicitor visited this afternoon and has put in another application for Keri to have a tribunal which surprised us because we had been told we weren't allowed to, but apparently we can. She also said that if Keri wanted to cancel it she'd just have to say so. Her solicitor did say that the likelihood of her getting a tribunal this month wasn't going to happen. It'll be at least the middle of December, possibly even January. She did have some interesting thoughts though. The idea was that Keri was to go to the rehab ward in the hospital so that Keri can learn to do day to day things, such as taking medication, not isolating herself, eating, getting a sleep routine etc. The problem her solicitor spotted was that she thought maybe it would be better if Keri went to a more specialist place that specifically deals with dissociative disorders that can help her with her mental health needs instead of just practical skills. Most of the people on these wards are schizophrenic, or have depression, or bipolar. Most staff have never even heard of DID let alone treated someone with it. Her solicitor and an independent social worker are going to do some research.

Keri's ward round was pretty much a one to one with her psychiatrist. Everyone else was dealing with a patient. I felt Keri's sympathy. He was so terrified and frightened and Keri was the only one who won't back away from him when he gets close as they're frightened of him! Poor Keri felt so sorry for him. He's in seclusion now but she asked Blondie about whether he was okay when she was getting her wounds sorted. 

Anyway, Keri's psychiatrist has decided to put up her dose of antipsychotics again. Drugs, drugs and more drugs. I really hope someone can find her a specialist unit. That's if she doesn't kill herself before things are arranged! :(

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 96

Written by Fox.

DAY 96 - 11th November, Monday

Oh god. Not again. Keri's spent the day, yet again, stuck on ten minute observation and she's getting so annoyed by it. She can't even shower without a female member of staff having to open the door every ten minutes to check how she is. They have to physically see that she's okay!

She had her session with her psychotherapist which wasn't very productive. Keri just vented about how unfair it was that her dad was able to roam the streets as a free man yet she's now been confined to the ward for three whole days. The only time she's been allowed out is because it's been urgent and she's needed to get stitches, which has again happened today. That's now three days in a row. 

She saw her CPN and was introduced to her new social worker. They're visiting in another couple of weeks to assess if things have improved. She's able to be moved to the rehab ward while still on a section but because of her risk levels they're not even close to moving her. If anything, they're closer to moving her to the more secure female ward in the hospital.

Keri's mum and her partner visited for a few hours today. They brought some games as they knew Keri was confined to the ward. After a game of frustration (which is a good name for it as all three of them were getting frustrated!) they then went on to play more than ten games of Uno! Keri and John started ganging up on Keri's mum halfway through their games. I found it pretty entertaining to watch myself.

Unfortunately the day ended with Keri spending about three hours in hospital. She didn't get back until gone 1am. She's had to have more stitches and I'm dreading what her psychiatrist is going to say during her ward round tomorrow. I'm worried about Sally though. She actually let Keri and the staff find a razor blade. She doesn't do that for no reason. She's clearly got other blades somewhere and she's wanting to cause some damage herself. Keri has consciously self harmed for the last three days. It's been a long time since she's self harmed to the point of having stitches rather than Sally doing it instead. Keri's been saying weird things today and sometimes the staff don't understand what the hell she's talking about. The explosion of flashbacks she had this evening has seemed to trigger something off and her psychosis is getting worse. I think it's stress-induced psychosis, although of course, Keri thinks her reality is real when actually it's pretty twisted up.