Daily Meetings

First off, for those that don't know, a daily meeting is a session where you can sit down and talk to your alters, almost like group therapy. I tell you, I definitely felt like a group therapist the first time I did a daily meeting! I felt like I was trying to control a group of pre-school children! Daily meetings allow different alters to express how they're feeling, talk about any concerns they have and even gives the chance for 'the littles' to tell a joke they've heard that day (if they want to say it, be sure to laugh!). 

It's recommended that daily meetings should be done twice per day, morning and evening - more frequently depending on the circumstances. To begin with it may not be easy. If you have uncooperative, aggressive, violent or sabotaging alters then, from my experience, you're just going to get a mouthful of abuse. Yes, this is upsetting for everyone but in some ways it also allows these alters to express their rage.

Some alters may not even want to participate but may well join in later on after a few sessions once they know what's going on. Others will be confused over the whole idea if they don't quite understand the concept that they are in fact a multiple and not a completely separate person in a different body.

I currently have 6 alters who are wanting to participate in the daily meetings out of the current total of 16 alters, 17 including me (although I have not been able to do a daily meeting due to certain circumstances). One of these alters, Sally, just shouts abuse and cuss words. We allow her to do that. Every alter who wishes to speak should be given the chance and notes should be written during each meeting. If there are any concerns then these should be brought up with your therapist, psychiatrist, carers, loved ones... Anyone who's involved in your care and can support you with your DID.

The whole point of these meetings is to try to keep things working as well as possible. There are times when the internal system is in absolute chaos, at these times daily meetings may not be possible and the first thing that needs to be sorted is maintaining the safety of yourself, your alters and people around you. Don't be scared to talk about your alters with people you trust. It's a lot easier to do with a good support network.

I found daily meetings helpful. Unfortunately I've been very tired and unmotivated lately as I'm having issues with my medication but as soon as I'm sorted again I will be back to doing the daily meetings. 

Anything I suggest on this blog isn't going to work for everybody. Some things will work for some people, whereas other techniques will work for others. Everyone is unique, especially people with DID as there are so many variations. No two people with DID are the same, so no one technique will work with everyone.

If any of you try the daily meetings I would love to hear your feedback, positive or negative. Feel free to post your thoughts on our Facebook page or a private message if you feel more comfortable.

Don't feel you have to rush into anything. Pace yourself, take your time and try to take care of yourself and your internal family.

Serious Medication Issues

Okay, the medication thing didn't go down too well yesterday. I'm a very honest person so when it comes to me doing something wrong it doesn't take long before I crack. I ended up telling one of my foster carers (L) last night what I'd done with my medication because of the voice I'd heard (which I didn't recognise. It said "Don't take them or somebody will get hurt". 

After I told her she ended up giving me my 6pm meds together with my 10pm meds. God was I knocked for six! I also had to draw my other foster carer (P) his Father's Day card while I was half zombified! I think I did pretty well with it considering I could barely keep my eyes open..

This morning L gave me my morning pot of meds and I palmed them while no one was looking and then went and flushed them down then toilet. I then sat in the living room and got out my iPad. P knew exactly what I had done, he's not an idiot. Plus P and L know me too well. They know that if I'm lying I can't make eye contact AT ALL. So out came a 2nd pot of meds L sorted and I had no choice but to take them. Now I'm not even allowed to leave the sofa for an hour because they know there's a high chance I'll just throw them up down the toilet.

Why does this have to be so fucking difficult!? They're only a bunch of pills! 

On a lighter note I'll take a photo of the card I drew for P. :)

Avoided 6pm Medication

I know I only posted earlier but I'm feeling really guilty right now. 

Over the last week or so my foster carer has been in charge of my medication; giving it to me at the specified times, making sure I take it and telling me to take it when I start trying to refuse to take it. The problem is, this evening my foster carer got out my 6pm medication and told me to take it. I said I'd take it 'in a minute'. She then had to go out and as soon as she did that, a voice told me not to take it. It was a voice I didn't recognise so it wasn't one of my alters, unless it's one that hasn't felt comfortable revealing themselves yet.

Getting back to the point, I made a point of wandering through the kitchen to get a drink with my meds pot in my hand in front of my older foster sister and as I walked out I tipped the pot into my mouth and then took a drink; but instead of the tablets going in my mouth I managed to get them to slip into my sleeve instead (I'm wearing a baggy hoody). Then I went straight up to the toilet and washed them down the sink.

Why do I feel guilty? I hate betraying the trust of my foster carers. I also know that I can't even speak to them about this strange new voice as it'll involve the topic of me not taking my medication coming up which I can't allow to happen. I refuse to give them any reason to have me taken into hospital - and every person who knows me knows that I wouldn't go voluntarily.

So that was just a quick vent. I needed to let that out. Stupid psychiatrists. I tell you what, since seeing the psychiatrist last Friday I've been very dubious about talking about my feelings because she mentioned the 'hospital ultimatum'. Even if I did take my medication begrudgingly, they'd still come up with something else to blackmail me with like "if you don't eat you're going into hospital". 

I really don't know what to do. My foster carers would be so frustrated with me if they knew or found out. Help! :(

Alter Personalities and Medication

I really don't understand the physical side to my D.I.D. In this post I'll be focusing mainly on the medication aspect. To start off with it might be handy to know what medications I'm on. Disregarding the few types of tablets I need for physical symptoms, I'm on several psychiatric medications, including Quetiapine, Diazepam, Mirtazapine and Zopiclone.

I didn't think I needed this medication and have been on the doses for a long time. Recently I spent about 3 weeks not being able to take my medication because Sally (my violent homicidal alter) wasn't allowing me to take any of it. During those three weeks I noticed dramatic changes within my system. Jimmy (a 4 year old boy) was very upset and crying a lot. David (a rational 20 year old male) was starting to feel suicidal himself because of the chaos that was going on inside. David's reaction was startling and I didn't even realise how confused he was feeling until one of my foster carers told me that Jimmy had given her a letter one evening from David expressing his concerns. Fox (a 15 year old homosexual mute) went totally fucking nuts. He's normally very passive but he turned into a very distressed and extremely psychotic boy. 

The effects on me? I couldn't sleep and only slept after I passed out drinking a litre of vodka a day. I was very restless and could never sit still. There were times when I'd spend over 3 hours just pacing up and down the garden. 

After the ultimatum from the Intensive Team psychiatrist last week (either I take my medications at home with support from foster carers or take them in hospital where I'd be given them by force), I started taking my medication and yes, there have been some difficulties in doing this. On the bright side I'm not in hospital yet.

What I don't understand is why the medications effect my alters differently to how they effect me. Take Sally for instance, she needs about 5 times the amount of drug sedation to calm her down or knock her out compared to the smaller amount that I do. How does that work? Some of my alters have they're own mental illnesses. In my opinion I think Fox is a catatonic schizophrenic (although I'm not a professional). In some ways I'd like a psychiatrist to sit down with each of my individual alters and assess they're different needs just so we can have a more peaceful life. At the moment we're all over the place. I can say that we're definitely less all over the place now we're back on our medication but we're still toeing a very fine line between being able to stay at home with my foster carers and having to be put into hospital again.

If anyone can explain this or even find a site that talks about it then please let me know. I've tried myself but I really can't get my head around it!

In my next post I think I'll be writing a list about each of my alters. They want to be recognised. At the present moment there are 17 of us (including me). However, when I write that post I'll only mention the current most dominant ones to make it less confusing. Both for myself and you guys!

Toeing The Hospital Line

I know this is my second post in less than a day but the last one I wrote ages ago and just forgot to publish!

Recently I had to go through a court case in regards to the traumatic events that happened in my childhood. The problem is that it was a double trial - me and someone else were both victims of the abuse. For legal reasons I cannot mention anything specific about the people or incidents involved. 

In the couple of weeks leading up to the case (which was at the end of May 2013) I went downhill mental health wise. I stopped eating completely, I couldn't take any of my medication due to conflicts with my alter personalities, I wasn't sleeping and I could barely even do day to day activities. I was becoming more and more unwell.

Even though all this was happening I still managed to get to court to give my evidence, with a heck of a lot of support from various people. I spent most of the day in that bloody place being cross-examined and when I finally finished I almost felt relieved that my part was finished. Admittedly I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt too because the person being prosecuted was someone close to me.

Then it all went wrong. I went in on Wednesday and tentatively waited for the verdict at home with my carers. I suddenly had a surprise visit from the police officer in charge two days later, on the Friday. The other key witness had decided to do a runner from court. No matter how much the judge tried she had no choice but to discharge the jury. I was given the next 21 days to make a decision as to whether I want to do a retrial, however this time it won't involve the other person.

Have I made my decision? I honestly don't know. As soon as I was told the news that the court case was being thrown out I instantly hit an all time low. I was dissociating severely and needing to go to the hospital every day, I was drinking a litre of vodka daily, I was still refusing all medication because of the continuous conflict with my alters and I still wasn't eating. 

So what's happening right now? I was given an ultimatum by the intensive team's psychiatrist that if I didn't start taking my medication voluntarily at home then I'd be taken into hospital and given it forcibly. This isn't a choice. If anything I'm being forced to take my medication anyway. My carers make sure that I take them, even when I try to avoid taking them I end up with a pot of pills in front of me. I was literally dead to the world for a couple of days because I was told to go straight back on everything instead of staggered doses. The problem with one of my pills is that for the first couple of weeks I become very suicidal. I'm hoping that the other several medications combined together will keep me and my destructive personalities under control..

The first dose of medication I had involved me dissociating into my destructive and homocidal alter, 'Sally'. Unfortunately this meant that one of my carers had to hold her down so she couldn't do any damage to me or my carer. Luckily it didn't last long and I came back out again, feeling extremely tired from both dissociating and from the tablets kicking in.

So what's happening now? Good news is that I'm sober, sleeping and taking medication (begrudgingly). Now I just need to try and eat something. My fixation on calories has hit an all time high. Plus I'm supposed to be keeping all my appointments. I may be stubborn but my carers and workers are even more so.. If I refuse to leave the house for an appointment then they'll turn up on the doorstep anyway. Let's be honest though, 5+ appointments a week is a bit of a handful isn't it?

I've ordered and received my new iPad now so I can blog whenever I want! Particularly handy if I'm waiting around at hospital departments or going for a nice walk or sitting in a GP office, y'anno, the usual. I'm sorry I haven't been blogging much over the past year but a lot has been going on and the motivation to do anything is very weak.

I love you all and thanks for sticking by my blog even though my posy frequency sucks sometimes!

Inpatient Treatment (Forgot to press 'publish'!)

Dear my wonderful readers,

I apologise now for my lack of blogging. I've just realised that it's been a long time since I made a post. May!? I couldn't believe it when I logged on and found this had happened. I'm back to the blogging thing now, I've also reignited my Twitter account and created a Facebook page raising awareness for Dissociative Identity Disorder.

The reason I haven't been blogging is because I was quite busy. I'd started my volunteering and was engaging in therapy. In September my mental health started to deteriorate and by October I'd completely lost it. I was dissociating severely almost daily (Sally would come out, slice up my leg and I'd have to go to hospital to get stitches). In only a month I'd needed over 400 stitches. It got to the point where I could no longer stay in my foster placement. I was chronically anaemic, I was drained and tired, I was struggling to take my medication. Overall everything went to shit.

On 6th November I was admitted to hospital. The doctor 'officially' diagnosed me with Dissociative Identity Disorder, however my psychiatrist I see as an outpatient also thinks I have Borderline Personality Disorder as there is a great deal of overlap, so somehow I'm now with two diagnoses.

On 3rd January I was back home with my foster carers, but over those 2 weeks I got very unwell very quickly. I didn't eat anything, I refused to take any form of medication, I was still dissociating severely which meant my foster carers were yo-yoing to and from hospital with me to get stitches. By the end of the 2 weeks I turned around and said I needed help. I was admitted to hospital again on 18th January and have been an inpatient since, just over 5 weeks now.

I can safely say now that I'm taking medication (way too much) and my dissociative episodes haven't been so bad. I've had a few major ones at the hospital but I'll go into that during another post. This post was mainly to update you all on why I haven't been blogging but now I'm getting back on track. 

For those of you with DID, or with a loved one who has DID, or even just to help people like me raise awareness for the diagnosis then please 'Like' the Facebook page I created and help make the diagnosis less controversial and allow more people to understand the complexity of the diagnosis.

https://www.facebook.com/DIDCampaign

Take care my fellow bloggers.

I will be updating AT LEAST once a week.

xoxo.

Long Awaited Update

Clearly I've been slacking when it's come to writing my blog and I apologise for that. I just don't really have much to say if I'm being brutally honest! So let's just do this in bullet points before I rant on eh?

• My CPN may be leaving soon, oh what fun that's going to be..
• My little brother is a demon.. quite literally, although I've only found out after 16 years. FML.
• My binge/purge behaviour is out of control..
• My medication isn't working, it sucks ass tbh.

Think that's about it.. I'm hoping to get a volunteer job as an Animal Encounter Assistant which should be good. At least it'll get me out of the house which is what I need ;D

I've been offline for a while but now my Facebook, Twitter, blog and Formspring are all back and in action. Yayayay. Tempted to start making YouTube videos but I have no idea what about.. I've done like.. one.. and that was for Self Injury Awareness Day and it was a pretty crap first video in my opinion but life goes on doesn't it. Yes. I'll answer my own question there as I'm obviously that cool.

That's about it of my life right now :3 Just to let you know I AM BACK. Glad you obviously didn't miss me too much ;)

xoxo.