26 Years Old (Physically)!

Happy Sunday everyone!

Keri had her 2 day chance and she seems to have gotten worse. She saw our key worker only because she hadn’t realised I’d been out for 8 days and only thought she’d lost a few hours. Our key worker filled her in but obviously didn’t tell Keri the full details of my sabotage! Keri found out anyway after our key worker left. She didn’t sleep at all on that Monday night as she spent the whole night figuring out what I’d done. After finding out most of it she completely lost it, had a meltdown, smashed a glass and that was about the end of it. She then refused to see ANYONE. She didn’t see staff, or friends, and she cancelled her therapy session, which she hasn’t done for months. The other leaders were the ones that mainly kept an eye on her while I spent the majority of my time dealing with Shadow and checking in on the other alters, most of which aren’t doing too well, especially Raven, who I was hoping was going to come out with me to help host. She’s hallucinating and really out of touch with things. At one point she screamed so badly that me, Clari and Mary shot straight to her room to find her completely hysterical and seeing things. Obviously, in that state, we can’t really have her out here with me! So Violet has joined me instead. We’re experiencing some weird stuff but it’s really mild and occasional so I’ve been brushing it off and so has Vi. 

In the mean time, while me and Vi are here it means that things are going to be relatively stable, thank god! We’re eating actual food, taking medication regularly, getting some hobbies, staying occupied and we’ll be back to therapy again this week after Keri cancelled last week. Considering Vi has never met our therapist, she’ll need to eventually. I’ve let our T know that Vi might turn up on her doorstep one week as considering Vi has never gone I doubt she’ll even know she needs to go to a therapy session until our support worker knocks on the front door to say it’s time to go! Me and our key worker also talked about the possibility of getting Keri out occasionally to do some sessions as well just to keep monitoring her psychotic and depressive symptoms to see how the medication and therapy is working but I’ll talk to our T about that this week. We’ll be doing work for our overall stuff but I’ll also talk to her about stuff that I need to as well. Considering I’m having to deal with most things (Vi is kind of a “sidekick”) there’s a lot of stress involved that I didn’t really anticipate and that hasn’t come up before when I’ve been out for prolonged periods. I don’t know if it’s because our brain is a bit unwell at the moment or something but it’s been a lot more exhausting and distressing. At least everything is calmer though and no one is panicking or worried as I have no risks to myself, other people, property, animals, nothing! That’s something I focus on when things are feeling tough as it’s half the point of me being here, to make sure we’re all okay in the long run 🙂

I know me coming out on Wednesday night meant Keri missing her birthday but she didn’t even care that it was her birthday anyway so in the grand scheme of things she’s not going to think much about that. I carved a pumpkin for the first time with my name (you’ll see the photos on our Instagram) which was definitely a weird but fun experience! I wanted to go trick or treating as I’ve never had the chance to do that but the male support worker who was working thought it would be a bad idea to have him knocking on people’s doors with his “scruffy face” with me in tow! Maybe next year, ha! Although I’m hoping I won’t be out next year for Keri’s birthday and that she’ll actually have the fun experience like everyone else. Right now she doesn’t even realise she’s turned 26!

I was going to get the gerbil babies today and even spent 2 hours setting up the split cage! I’ve spent a lot of money on a lot of brand new toys that don’t have any gerbil scent on them as Tom could be territorial after the introduction is over. Then, migraine hit. The signs for me are slightly different for the average person as I’ve got to keep a close eye on things. Because of the fact I don’t feel pain anywhere close to the average person I can’t really judge a migraine on pain signals and I need to bite it in the bud before I get to vomiting stage, otherwise that triggers one of my totally frozen episodes and I never know how many hours that will go on for. I had to get Vi out to deal with it early this afternoon and the poor girl doesn’t have the same pain tolerance I do so she got hit with the full force of it. She left me a note before I was back out as I said I needed to be back by 7pm to sort out our next week of medication if the migraine was better by then. The problem with the fact we’re temporary hosts and not permanent like Keri, it means that me and Vi still have complete amnesia between each other. It’s not like Keri where we can see what she’s doing if we choose to. There’s a total block between me and Vi so communication is vital between us, especially if it’s been several days since one of us has been out. Plus, I can’t deal with periods! It’s been a long time since we’ve had to deal with those because of Keri’s eating disorder, and because Vi has bulimia I doubt the periods will come back for a long time. The fact is, I can’t take that risk. If they do come back because of the fact I eat healthily and regularly, I’m not dealing with them! I’m male! I find it hard enough when I have to go to the toilet and shower, let alone THAT! Vi will get days to herself though as she really wants to go to the park and do stuff like play on swings etc. I don’t think that’s asking much! She’s very immature emotionally and psychologically for a 14 year old but when it comes to practical issues she is very capable. She can even fix a fuse! I don’t even know where to start with that! I wouldn’t want to take a plug apart, let alone mess around in there!

I met with our care coordinator for the first time and he was actually not an idiot, although one of the first things I wrote to him on my iPad was that I had to suss out whether he was actually an idiot or not! He said that was a fair thing to say! I actually had a really good chat with him. We talked about a lot of stuff. I asked about the episodes I’m getting where I freeze for hours and can’t move. Hopefully it won’t happen in public but if it does it’s down to the support workers for their judgement. If it happens in the middle of the road then it’ll be a lot more serious of an issue than if it was a quiet street with no imminent danger. I thought it was going to happen last week when I went to pick up some medication from the pharmacy. There was a woman in there getting quite angry and I could feel myself getting more and more worked up. I don’t normally show much if I’m anxious so when it shows to other people it’s not good! I started bouncing up and down a bit and our key worker noticed and knew I was really not feeling good. Luckily it wasn’t long after that before the woman left and the 20 min walk back home really helped me. With that kind of thing I always want to leave the situation but my legs never want to cooperate! It’s not until I’m bouncing around and flapping my arms and doing all that weird hyper stuff just before I freeze that my legs decide they want to go anywhere. Our care coordinator suggested it was catatonia and asked questions about the episodes but couldn’t really explain why it’s happening more than usual. I’m seeing him again in a few weeks and there’s another review with the psychiatrist in about 4 weeks and I’ll have to ask the care coordinator if it’s better for me to see the doctor or if Keri should. We discussed antipsychotic medication but because we’re already weaning onto one medication, I don’t want to wean onto another one otherwise we won’t know which one is helping with which symptoms. I asked what the psychiatrist’s opinion was and he thinks we should wait to see what the effect of the current medication is and work from there. I agreed. It sounds like we actually have a psychiatrist who is sensible but whether he accepts me or ignores me is yet to be determined! So we’re waiting for now. The problem we had in hospital, and I said this to our care coordinator and he agreed, is that we were bombarded with so much medication that no one knew what did what and everyone was so foggy and zombified. It was just about trying to “manage” things because of the aggression Sally often presented with and the unpredictability of behaviours by Keri and other alters. The problem with hospital is psychiatrists often decide that if patients are out of it with pills then it makes it easier to deal with them. I’ll admit, over 4 years of dealing with all of us, I don’t really blame them for shoving all those pills and injections into us. I can see their point of view. It doesn’t mean I agree with it. That’s one of the reasons I’m so glad we live in our flat. Our mental health team has a totally different view to hospital, in fact they have the same view I do, to have us on medication we actually need, not just a cocktail to keep everyone sedated and zombie-like.

I’m actually managing to get some sleep finally! As long as I have nothing planned in the morning, I can go to sleep when the daylight hits (which right now is about 6.30am although getting closer to 7am) and then set an alarm for late morning. It may not be many hours but at least it’s a decent chunk. I don’t have any issues staying asleep or anything. I did wonder whether there was any such thing as a nocturnal human and apparently there’s people with a sleep disorder with similar symptoms. I doubt I have a sleep disorder as I think it’s just an engrained thing that’s happened to me but it’s reassuring to know that I’m not the only human in the world having to deal with a similar problem. I’m still going to try and adjust my sleep to see if I can start sleeping at night by trying to get to bed slightly earlier every other night. Our key worker suggested I take a sleeping tablet every night for several nights to see if it helps me sleep earlier which I’m going to try. I hate “as needed” stuff so she suggested putting it in my regular dosette box with the other night medication and just taking the night dose later. That, I can do! It’s just in with my regular meds so I don’t have to pop it out of the foil and stuff which makes it feel easier for me!

Vi left me a note after she’d been out today and she’s had a couple of weird experiences with a voice she was hearing. She got pretty creeped out but brushed it off like I’ve been doing. I didn’t think anything of it until I had a chat with our worker and she suggested starting a log of all the weird stuff that happens, even if I’m just brushing it off. Not bringing up the reason Raven couldn’t host with me was stupid, and not bringing everything up with our care coordinator was an oversight on my part. It’s only little stuff right now but it’s something I’d rather nip in the bud. It’s been a very long time since I had a really bad psychotic episode and I don’t plan on having another one. Ignoring some of this stuff has probably not helped. I think I’ve been wanting to ignore some of it purely because I don’t want to admit how much everyone is being effected. Vi actually asked what’s wrong with Raven. Before we both came out I told Vi to let me know if she experienced anything “weird” even if she just brushed it off afterwards and it seemed small but I didn’t go into details as I don’t want to scare her. What am I supposed to say to a 14 year old girl? Yes, you need to tell me or you might end up the way Raven and Keri are right now? That would scare her stupid! I’m trying to be blasé about it otherwise she’s going to be terrified every time she comes out just in case something happens she can’t explain. 

I’ve watched a lot of movies lately: Happy Feet 1 & 2, Madagascar 1, 2 & 3, The Emoji Movie and I also started watching Goosebumps with a support worker as I love the books! I didn’t even know they’d made a Goosebumps movie! The support worker isn’t allowed in the flats because he’s male. He’s actually the only male support worker based here. The first time I met him I did comment and grin at the fact that I’m male and I’m allowed to live in the flats and he can’t even come in. Nuh nuh nuhnuh nuh! Considering it’s freezing cold weather it’s lucky the support workers have their own flat as this means we can have support in their flat. How that’s allowed and yet he can’t support me in my flat I have no idea. I’ve asked lots of staff and they’ve explained the reasons but I really can’t get my head around it. I know the reasons make some form of sense but, yeah, I don’t get it. Some of the reasons behind the decision do make sense, some of it is just plain illogical, and this is coming from someone who bases most of their decisions on fact and logic!

Wow. I’ve really written a lot tonight. It’s about 2am so I guess I better take this medication and go and lie down. I got so frustrated trying to sleep last night I actually wanted to punch a wall and that doesn’t happen very often at all. I think I tried to run before I could walk. Lying in the dark for 3 hours when you’re wide awake really isn’t helpful when you’re nocturnal and trying to change your sleep pattern. As soon as the daylight hit though? Within half an hour I was asleep. I didn’t even know it was daylight as the curtains and blinds were both closed. I only knew when I checked the Fitbit log to see what time I’d finally slept and it was 25 mins after it had started getting light so I know that it’s my internal clock, not the lightness of the sky. It’s crazy. Let’s hope these sleeping tablets help! Tom is even asleep right now which is rare for him at this time. Normally we’re sat watching a movie while he’s curled up in my hoodie, but I have spent over an hour writing this blog post so I guess it’s been so quiet he’s given up trying to get my attention! At least that means that he can’t distract me with his big eyes after I’ve had the meds, otherwise I’d be spending the next 2 hours with him in my hoodie rather than lying down and trying to doze off with a book and some music! I have the joy of a flu vaccine tomorrow so wish me luck. It doesn’t give me the flu does it? I can’t deal with that right now otherwise that means Vi is out for a week or I’m frozen/catatonic for a week, not really liking the latter one or I’d probably find myself coming around on a hospital bed!

We’re stable, eating, semi-sleeping, safe, and all the other things that are good. And alive and kicking. Although I don’t plan on kicking anything any time soon! I’m sure my mischievous streak will continue in other ways though...

I’m being pretty crap responding to messages right now (texts and Instagram) for 3 reasons: exhaustion, getting distracted, and the stupid phone is having issues with sending/receiving things (although I don’t know if this is with certain people or at a certain time of day or whether it’s just being temperamental). So bare with me if I don’t reply until the next day. I’m either too tired to use the phone and I’ve just left it on the side to have a break, haven’t even seen the message or, worst case, haven’t even received it!

See you next week! 😄

Fox 🦊