DAY 10 - 17th August, Saturday
Weekends always seem so depressing to Keri when she's on the ward. Even though the atmosphere is pretty laid back her desperation to leave and thinking nothing is wrong with her makes her situation almost unbearable. She's been watching so many patients going in and out that she's just burst into tears.
On an adult acute ward you'd think that most of the patients are sectioned. It may come as a surprise but we've found that's not how it works. The majority of patients here are voluntary and only several are sectioned. Some did originally come in on a section but then agreed to stay voluntarily.
Keri has been okay for most of the day besides the usual pacing and clawing at her head. At around 8pm she'd had enough and tried digging it out with broken bits of pen again. Big S (one of the nurses) gave her some Lorazepam and she seems to have calmed down a bit more now. It wasn't just him giving her medication, he also had a chat with her, even though she didn't understand most of what he was saying.
Big S was trying to explain about why Keri was so confused about why people thought so differently to her. He said something along the lines of, "Well, think about bipolar. You don't have bipolar but we'll use that as the example. If they're having a manic episode it's obvious to everyone around them that they're ill but the person experiencing the mania themselves feels they're fine and on top of the world. But with psychosis it's the same thing. Your reality is being perceived differently to how we see it which is why we can't understand your thoughts as rational which is why people are so worried."
It was something along those lines but Keri tuned out after Big S used the word psychosis. She doesn't want to be labelled as psychotic (although she technically has already been classed as a paranoid psychotic) as she knows that would mean she's unwell. There's no doubt in her mind about her being well and normal, she's still in complete denial and the thought of getting out this bug is growing stronger and stronger. I'm very worried about what she will do to herself if she's given unescorted leave or discharge (which at the moment is very unlikely as the nurses and doctors know the harm she will do to herself because of her psychotic thinking).
I can say though that the nurses haven't tried arguing directly with her delusions or paranoia today which is probably why she's a bit calmer. I doubt anything will change until this bug is gone from her head. Her psychotherapist said it would disappear on it's own and Keri will look back and realise that she was in the midst of psychosis. Keri doesn't believe that it'll go on it's own which is why she's trying to get it out several times a day!
Her little brother is visiting the ward tomorrow. Me and him arranged it but Keri knows he's coming. She also got a lovely letter from him yesterday which she almost burst into tears over. She just stared at it for ages, her mind swirling round in a black mist. Here's what he said and the photo he attached with it (I'm sure he won't mind me sharing it, if you do mind then let me know! I know you read the blog so you'll see this!).
Lovely isn't it?!
She still thinks he's a demon but even so, she can't get rid of the protective feelings she has for him. Hopefully once this episode of psychosis has been treated her delusion about him being a demon may slowly disappear too!
I know the blog has been written slightly early today. Keri hasn't even had her evening medication yet! But because of the Lorazepam she does get quite dopey. It hasn't been long since she had it so add the Mirtazapine, Quetiapine, Zopiclone and Diazepam on top of that! She's a goner for the night, I'm hoping!
We just, finally, finished reading the last of the blog posts starting from the beginning. We are jealous at the insight you have, Fox. Perhaps it would help if you were to help Keri write out some of the things she is experiencing or to write yourself about some of the things you have noticed as being helpful. We are not insinuating that you should allow yourself to be seen or attempt to communicate directly with the staff, but perhaps some insight from you would help them make decisions about Keri's care that would be beneficial? The staff may find it useful, for example, to know that it is Keri alone that is experiencing the break with reality and not all of you inside. Not only do we have DID, same as you, but we also work with traumatized and aggressive kids. From that experience we have learned that if you aren't at least up front with what you are experiencing, there is a good chance it will not get much better. We wish you much luck in your endeavors to get the help that Keri needs, and if our suggestions aren't appropriate, please forgive us.
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