Showing posts with label self-harm. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-harm. Show all posts

Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 21

Written by Fox.

DAY 21 - 28th August

Tensions have been rising and rising all day. Keri woke up in a very bad mood and over the course of the day has just been getting more and more pent up. She's been swearing and cussing, even at some of the staff. She's been getting frustrated and overall she's not been doing great today. She's clocked over 10 miles pacing round and round the garden today (her iPod has an automatic pedometer). It's getting ridiculous.

It's been 3 days in a row that Keri has burnt herself now. She hasn't told the staff about the one she's done today because honestly it's their fault. She tried 4 times to ask to talk to someone about the hallucinated guys that were shouting at her through the fence. There was never anyone around. And when there was, other patients were pushed ahead because they don't want to hang around. It took Keri three hours to get her sandwich from lunch. The queue was too long and she got stressed out and just said screw this and walked off. 

When she tried to find staff to talk to it was getting harder and harder for her not to get angry. By the time it got to the third time of waiting at the desk for 10 minutes to wait for a member of staff that never showed up she just shouted "fuck this shit!" and went storming back to the room. The fourth time she actually ended up punching the desk. It wasn't even late afternoon yet! By the time handover happened and she found out her key nurse was working she'd gone way past wanting to talk to anyone. 

I'm worried about Keri's anger. She doesn't normally get like this unless Sally's slowly easing herself out until she goes bang. Maybe I'm worrying about nothing and it's just Keri being frustrated. Or it could be a combination of both. She's been sectioned for over 3 weeks now and has been very agitated knowing she's got a CPA tomorrow morning that may not go the way she wants it to.

We reached 500 supporters for our DID page today! And also got our first video up on our YouTube channel! Things are kicking off big time in a good way when it comes to that. Keri will be thrilled when she starts using the Internet again and finds all this has happened! You guys are just so amazing, especially at the moment with all the supportive messages. We couldn't do it without you so a big thanks to all our brilliant supporters!

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 19 & 20

Written by Fox.

DAY 19 - 26th August

It wasn't a good start for Keri. She was pacing the garden at 5am and decided to burn herself with her cigarettes again. Big black cross against the discharge idea. She's still drawing a lot. It's her silhouettes which are getting better and better! 

Keri's home leave was 'okay'. Liz and Phil know she needs to stay in hospital for longer though because of the way she was. She enjoyed the fact she was back at home and with her foster family but it was very obvious that she was still psychotic; she was staring out of the window at visual hallucinations of people that are supposedly spying on the house, she was very paranoid while her and her foster mum were shopping and back at the house, and that bug started scratching away at Keri's head so she paced up and down the garden a bit. I was extremely scared for her as her foster dad was using his power drill to fix a shelf on the fridge door. It was within her reach. The rushing thoughts, that overwhelming compulsion to grab that drill, and put it straight into her head where she could feel it crawling. I honestly thought she was going to grab it.

Going home was hard for her. Her foster parents had already said that they wouldn't lie to the doctors or staff in her CPA on Thursday which Keri is quite annoyed about. Even so, she hated leaving them behind knowing that she was going to resume being locked in the ward again. She's still not allowed unescorted leave. As soon as she has that then Sally or Keri will take opportunity of that, more likely Sally in the beginning to get away fast enough to not be caught. Just think quiet thoughts!

Got plenty of DVDs she brought back. I'm hoping that'll distract her more to pass the time and maybe her concentration could improve.


DAY 20 - 27th August

Another long day for Keri. She saw the physiotherapist this morning and she doesn't think it's arthritis although wants to make sure the blood results are clear. I'm assuming if they weren't someone would've seen Keri by now. Well, it's the NHS so who knows what to expect?!

Her outreach worker visited and they went to the supermarket to do some shopping and have a drink. It was good for Keri to get off the ward. I think it would've been too much to go any further today, not with the way she's feeling. She's added another burn to her wrist because the hallucinated men that are 'following her' were shouting abuse through the garden fence. That's three burns in total she has now. I'm hoping she won't do it again. I'm also very surprised they haven't confiscated her cigarettes or sit outside and watch her smoke if they have to. Isn't this supposed to be a place of safety?

Keri was actually nice to the staff earlier, which annoyed Clarissa! Keri had bought some chocolate variety things and decided to give them to the staff as a kind gesture. They were intended for Clarissa so she's not happy! However Keri does still have some packets of lollies which should keep her occupied for a while!

Keri's made more injuries to her head today. Poor girl got so desperate and used pieces torn off of a coke can! She hasn't told staff this though, they haven't even asked as it was late this evening she did it. I'm very suspicious that Sally has managed to get some blades. I don't know for definite but you know when your gut is trying to tell you something and it feels like an instinct? It's a bit like that. Well we'll find out sooner or later, or maybe we won't, best just to leave it and hope for the best. I'm doing a lot of hope here, hanging out on a leap of faith!

Thursday, 22 August 2013

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 15

Written by Fox.

DAY 15 - 22nd August, Thursday

Keri's had a lot of visits from the medical doctors and from the physiotherapist today. She's been given exercises to do because of her joint problems and the doctor thinks Keri may have rheumatoid arthritis so will be doing tests at some stage to see what comes back from that. Everyone clearly knows her joint problems have been caused by the years of her eating disorder but she's in denial about that and just tries blaming it on genetics? I don't think that's logical. 

One of the good things about her being in a psych unit is that there are doctors around all week. She's been meaning to go to the doctors for ages about things but never got around to it, like her joint problems for instance. It's been told to her multiple times by dieticians etc that because of the length of time she's not been eating properly she could end up with osteoporosis or arthritis, but she never listened.

She's also been prescribed a laxative now as well to take a couple of times every day (again, another long-term side effect of her ED is chronic constipation). The doc said she'd prescribe it in oral form first and if things didn't improve they'd have to do something the other end. Haha! Rather her than me! If oral treatment doesn't work I'm definitely going to run for the hills so I don't have to see anything going on down there!

Vex has really annoyed Keri. She's been wearing a long sleeved top today and got hot so had to roll up the sleeves. The weather has been boiling. She was out on the ward getting ready to go out with him to Tesco. He was sat at the nurses' station with another nurse and suddenly said, "Why have you got your sleeves rolled up, Keri? Do you like showing off your scars?" WHAT!? This has even annoyed me, let alone how it's bothered Keri. It's absolutely boiling weather and now she's too scared to even roll up her sleeves anymore. She's already ashamed of herself, why say that to make her feel even worse about herself? You'd think these nurses would think before they spoke. Keri doesn't wander around showing off her scars with pride, she sees them as horrific and disfiguring, not a trophy to be shown off. Stupid fucking nurse. -angry face!-

Keri's been quite calm, besides scratching and pacing and pulling out her hair. In the circumstances though, that is calm! She hasn't needed any PRN Lorazepam so that's got to be a good thing. Although once again she's combined her night time medication with a joint. This better not become a habit! We'll find out if that's the case once she runs out. Hopefully that'll be the end of it and Clarissa won't get her more. Keri doesn't normally do drugs but if she's offered them she'll do anything for a temporary break from reality. Well, she's already out of touch with reality so let me rephrase that! She'll do anything to get a temporary break from HER reality right now, she finds it too painful.

Tuesday, 20 August 2013

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 12 & 13

Written by Fox.

DAY 12 - 19th August, Monday

Not much to highlight the day with. Keri was doing the usual and clawing at her head and pacing, still unable to have unescorted leave. The only thing that kept her somewhat sane is that T&D came to visit her again which she was quite happy about. They've visited her 4 times since she's been on the ward and are going on holiday tomorrow. If Keri is still in hospital by Monday (which is practically a given) then they said they'll carry on visiting her which I found really nice. They're very kind hearted people and care a lot about Keri. Keri likes them too so it all goes hand in hand! They did a bit of shopping, sat in a cafe, totally lost track of time! It was okay though, although I did notice her mood rapidly drop after they'd gone. Partly this is because when she has visitors they get to leave when they're finished, leaving Keri on her own, sectioned in an adult psychiatric unit.

She did take all her medication, good girl! She also saw Fiona which didn't last too long as Keri was so drained of energy she could barely get out of bed until the late afternoon. That's because Sally is like a walking time bomb. If she ever wants to come out then sometimes Keri feels very fatigued and gets bad migraines, which she's currently having now! Luckily there's been no Sally episodes as of yet!


DAY 13 - 20th August, Tuesday

Oh. Dear. Lord. Keri had her CPA today and she is seriously pissed. I don't swear very often but that's honestly the only word I can use! Her outreach worker from the fostering agency was there, along with her care co-coordinator, a substitute psychiatrist, someone from the Intensive Team and a nurse. The outcome of this meeting was that Keri's section was not going to be lifted and she had to remain in hospital. She was also not allowed any unescorted leave either. Her next review meeting isn't until next Thursday. So what's going to be the point of her ward round on Tuesday exactly? Or maybe they'll skip her and save it until Thursday? Who knows.

Even though Keri still isn't allowed unescorted leave she's now been granted 4 hours escorted leave (with a trusted adult) and isn't to be left alone at any time. I'm assuming this has been put in place for when her foster carers are fit and ready when they're back from their holiday (which I think is tonight). If that's the case then Keri will be able to start going home for a couple of hours. I'm very worried about this. It's not because I'm not happy that Keri will have the chance of going home it's just the amount of things she can get her hands on to get the bug out of her head. I was thinking of contacting Liz via Facebook and telling her about my concerns; Sally's blades, a kitchen knife, or even one of her foster dad's power tools. If they know the signs to look out for then they might be able to stop her doing anything, like if she starts scratching at her head or pulling out her hair.

The other concern is getting her back to the hospital. There's an issue with what Sally might decide to do if Keri goes home and also Keri doesn't think anything is wrong and doesn't need to be sectioned anyway. Obviously she does need to be in hospital. With all the NHS cuts going on they try to keep as many people out of hospital as possible, especially on a section. 

I was actually expecting her to try and scale the fence today and have the alarms going off again and again from kicking off but it turns out she's done the complete opposite. Besides needing some Lorazepam to calm her down after trying to cut her head again she's been pretty calm since about half an hour after the meeting. She even went out with staff to Tesco (which is right opposite the hospital). Yes, there were buses there that she could've jumped on but it would've ended up that the nurse with her would've had to call the ward and get some help to drag her back to the ward and the bus wouldn't have been allowed to leave until Keri was off the bus. She had very strong urges to just leg it to the bus but didn't. At that point she was trying to stay calm. 

She saw the physiotherapist today because of her joint problems. She's had problems with them for years and the medical opinion (and also the opinion of everyone else!) is that it's because of the years she's spent without proper nutrition, either binge eating, throwing up or starving herself completely. I can't even remember the last time she had a decent healthy meal herself (I'm not including me in that). The most you'd get her to have is some toast!

So today has been calm in some respects. She was in hysterics earlier as she's been chatting a lot to another sectioned patient (let's call her Olivia). She was running around screaming "Thank you staff! Thank you for forcing medication in me! Thank you! I'm psychotic! I have a delusional disorder! You've saved me! I'm cured!" Keri found this hilarious. I have no idea why. I didn't find it very funny at all! It was another Clarissa/Keri moment which are starting to get confusing!

Physio tomorrow. Plus she wants to go to the gym in the morning in the hospital. Might do her some good. It's only 2 hours a day so there's restrictions which means it won't be possible for Keri to become too obsessive-compulsive about exercising, hopefully. 

Sunday, 14 July 2013

Experiences of Being Detained by Police

Being sectioned by the police is never a pleasant experience for anyone, especially those who have a trauma based disorder or have DID. Restraint that is usually used against burglars, rapists and criminals can also be used for mental health patients that the police need to detain for the person's safety or for other people's safety. It can be a harsh and unpleasant experience.

It can be hard for someone with DID to be restrained, especially if the officers have no idea what the disorder is. In my experience the officers have been quite reassuring if I've been 'me'. However, if my aggressive and homicidal alter is out, the police have no choice but to restrain her, often having to use several officers. The mental health professionals seem to be of the opinion that "someone has to do the dirty work". 

A section 136 of the Mental Health Act allows a police officer to detain someone who is an immediate danger to themselves and take them to a place of safety, such as a police cell or a psychiatric hospital - the latter being the preferred option. This can be for up to 72 hours. The police are responsible for the person until their care is turned over to the mental health professionals. The problem with police is they were originally designed to help against crime and aren't fully trained in mental health, especially DID. They don't know how to deal with it. Unfortunately I've been arrested many times for trespassing (railway lines), endangering others (e.g. if I jumped in front of a train and it had to stop suddenly) and on my most recent 136, I was also arrested for breach of the peace. Luckily, none of these ever went to court or had charges placed on me because at the time I was on a 136 and viewed as not having full mental capacity.
Below are some of the experiences from people that have had to be detained by the police.

My Latest Experience


Please note: some of my 136's haven't been too full on, depending on circumstances, and officers have been sympathetic. But there is a nasty side to things which I do think needs to be addressed. This post isn't to "slag off police officers" or say they're terrible at their jobs, so please don't take it that way. 

My most recent 136 experience was 13th July 2013. On 8th July, I knew I was going to dissociate into Clarissa (a promiscuous binge-eater). She gets very excited when she's going to come out so I had warning. This was in the evening. That was the last thing I remember. According to my carers I then switched again to Fox (Clarissa's mute twin brother). He remained out for 5 days. Then yesterday I switched again to Sally (my aggressive, violent alter). Sally took me to the Clifton Suspension Bridge to jump off of it but the security guards had been warned and the police were already on their way. I've been told that they tried calling her Keri which made her go absolutely apeshit. She refused to go with the officers when they arrived so they had to forcibly put her in the back of the van as one lane of traffic had had to be blocked off so they couldn't talk for long. Of course, she wasn't having any of that and jumped from the back seat across to the front seat and opened the police van door from the front. 

This is where I have 10 seconds of full memory when I switched to me for a very short time. Obviously, the police didn't know I was Keri and Sally had already got half way out the door, almost knocking over 2 cyclists. I was grabbed by one of the officers who proceeded to put his arm around my neck and carry me to the cage in the van. By this point both lanes of traffic were now blocked off. The first thing I remember the officer saying was "Right, no more fucking around. You had the easy way or the hard way so now we're doing this the hard way". Obviously, I had no memory of the last 6 days and to suddenly find myself being manhandled by police scared me shitless, so instinctively I tried my hardest to get out of his grip. The problem was, the more I tried scratching and kicking, the harder he held onto me. Having someone carry me with an arm around my neck and literally bundling me in the cage through a series of headlocks and two males using a lot of force is not something a trauma survivor should have to deal with. I switched back into Sally as soon as the sound of the cage door was slammed shut. Apparently she was violent, aggressive, uncooperative and very angry. At first the officers took her to the police station to be secured and searched while phone calls were made so they could transfer Sally to the 136 Suite at the nearest adult psychiatric hospital, the same hospital I've been admitted to as a patient twice.

I was me again after a period of time in the 136 Suite. I had no idea how I'd gotten there and knew it must've been Sally because of the flashback of being manhandled into the cage of a police van. The first thing I did was phone my carer, which is when I found out I'd been dissociated for 5 days. Luckily the assessment was arranged quite quickly and one of the people on the assessment panel was someone who I'd had a lot of contact with and was good at trying to understand Dissociative Identity Disorder. Without her there, I'm not sure I would've been discharged. The day after I was full of aches and pains from the force and amount of restraint used, especially when they get your arms behind your back and start bending your wrist to make you compliant (pointless to do to Sally as she's unaffected by pain). The ten seconds I remember have almost retraumatised me. I have NEVER been restrained in that way. This was all because of officers that had no concept of what DID was. Most other times officers are fully clued up and all information about my disorder is shared to all the officers involved. Unfortunately for me, these two officers didn't get that message and treated Sally like a violent and aggressive criminal instead of a mental health patient that needed help, not over-the-top and painful restraint.

Felt Like an Attention Seeker - Caroline H
I hated being detained. I couldn't deal with it so I disappeared and self injured. I was found by someone walking by who called an ambulance. I just wanted to be dead. My alters were being so mean. I refused to get in the ambulance and ended up hysterical. They called the police and they restrained me until I calmed down. They took me to a medical hospital under a 136 and they couldn't get an assessment for 10 hours. An officer had to sit there with me all that time. I felt like all eyes were on me and couldn't help but feel like the officer felt like he was babysitting me and wasting his time. I dissociated while in my cubicle into Samantha. She made advances on the police officer and I found myself restrained, not knowing why. The staff didn't seem to understand that I had no control of my switching and the officer almost pressed charges for sexual harassment. I got help though. I was sectioned and got a really good therapist who deals with DID all the time. I'm a lot better now and that is partly because of getting 136ed. 

Very Helpful - Suzanna H
I've heard a lot about people who have bad experiences and I'm sorry to those that do. For me, they've only been beneficial. I think it really does depend on the police officers. Some are open minded about mental illness whereas others don't have a clue. But isn't that what it's like in normal society? Yes, I was restrained, but it was done in a non-harmful way and looking back at the incident I know it had to be done. I'd like to add that there are a lot of people who have good experiences of being on a 136. Some have even managed to get extra help because of police involvement. I realise police can be a little over the top at times but sometimes it has to be done. Some people with mental illness can be very unpredictable, especially someone with uncontrolled DID. Police officers not only have to keep the person they've detained safe but also have to keep themselves safe too. 

I found that being 136ed actually got me extra help. Yes, I've had bad experiences, who hasn't? But mostly the officers that have to deal with me are understanding and sympathetic. Those that don't understand mental illness and go full on with restraint and control I think need to do some training! If anything I do pity them a little as they're dealing with a situation they aren't familiar with.

Totally Ignored - Anon.
I got 136ed after I suffered a psychotic episode. The police knew I had DID. They were called when I sat in a library. It was closing time and I was refusing to leave. I switched to a toddler alter and just cried. The staff working in the library tried to comfort my alter but it didn't work. He went with the police very peacefully when they got there but all of a sudden I switched again and an angry alter came out. He started attacking the officers and I was taken to a police station and dragged into a cell. I was left there for hours before an assessment could be arranged. I wasn't even allowed a blanket as they thought I'd try and suffocate myself with it. I was cold, hungry and scared. I was ignored until the point when two detention officers came to take me to a room where the assessment panel was. None of them knew about DID and just thought I'd been attention seeking. I was discharged and kept getting 136ed every other day for a week or so before my mental health team finally got back from their holidays. It was a horrible experience and it won't be one that'll be forgotten.

Twitter Comments
"I understand restraint if it is needed but I think it's used more often than it should be. What happened to just trying to talk to someone?" - Mel Y.

"I think the police do a good job in my area if you get put on a 136. I think they deal more with mental illness than they do actual crime!" - Sandy L.

"Screw the police. I hate them and think they suck. They've never helped me. They just don't give a shit!" - Anon.

"There's too much of a burden on police. I think mental health professionals leave the bad bit for the police to do. It's not fair on them." - Anon.

"Traumatising, distressing, degrading!" - Kirsty O.

"I think the police go in to heavy handed on s136 patients they are not criminals they are ill !!" - Lady T
Reply from Insp Michael B: "That's a big generalisation about 25,000 interventions a year ... I hear many stories that say otherwise?"

And also a quick thank you for those who retweeted and replied (at the time of this post being published): Julie W, Kirsty O, Wokstation, Insp Michael B and NYPOLFED.

So that's that, such a variation. Sometimes it's helpful, other times it can be traumatising. That's why we need to raise awareness so that people like us aren't viewed as attention-seeking or some other kind of negative label. 

People with DID (or any other mental illness for that matter) need help, not stigma or being treated like a criminal. If you're a police officer or mental health professional and you're reading this, try to understand. We don't mean to cause 'trouble' and we aren't attention seeking. In times of crisis all we need is someone to listen, help and understand.