DAY 102 - 17th November, Sunday
***TRIGGER WARNING - SELF HARM IMAGES***
The reason I wanted to put a couple of pictures is to show the kind of thing that ends up happening when Keri zones out, dissociates, or Sally decides to have a crack at opening her wrists. There are no images of open wounds, they're all stitched. There's no gore, blood, exposed muscle/fatty tissue or anything like that but I put a warning anyway.
Keri managed to get to bed at 1am today, making sure to take all her medication about an hour earlier than she normally does. Her plan was to hopefully get a good night's sleep and wake up at more of an appropriate time than the middle of the afternoon! Unfortunately she woke up at 2.30am and couldn't get back to sleep. By the time it hit 3am she was wide awake and ended up making herself a coffee and smoking herself stupid out in the garden. She found the air quite refreshing. She knew that she'd had a nightmare from the way she woke up (her duvet had been thrown on the floor and she woke up because she banged her head against the wall while she was thrashing about). She was surprisingly perky considering she'd had less than two hours sleep. I think it was down to over tiredness. With her medication she should've slept through until at least late morning.
At 5am Keri zoned out a bit and ended up self harming again. She didn't actually realise she'd self harmed as she ended up lying in bed. At first she thought she'd just dreamed that it had happened but then saw the blood soaking through her pyjamas and panicked. She made a makeshift dressing to stem the bleeding. She didn't want to tell the night staff as she didn't want to go to the BRI. The Urgent Care Centre which she normally goes to is only open 8am to 8pm so she was going to wait for the shift changeover before saying anything (the night staff and morning staff have their handover between 7am and 7.30am). Once this was over she ended up telling staff and she was off on her way to the hospital.
She was there with staff for nearly 5 hours, however Keri was quite calm. The tiredness had hit her now and they'd medicated her up before they allowed her to leave to get stitched. She spent 3 hours desperately trying to stay awake but it was extremely difficult for her to fight off sleep deprivation, blood loss and a load of medication! Eventually she was seen and stitched up. You could tell Sally had done it purely based on the depth of the wound. Keri was really annoyed as she'd been hoping to go out with a nurse this afternoon but that was only going to be possible if she'd had no self harm incidents.
By the time they got back, Keri quickly ate a sandwich and then was given her Diazepam. Less than ten minutes later and she was out cold asleep on her bed. She didn't wake up until nearly 7pm when Brian came in to give her her next dose of Diazepam.
"How are you feeling?" he said sympathetically, his face looking concerned.
"Like I'm walking on my eyeballs," Keri said.
"I've got your medication here."
As Keri took the water and her tablets Brian started talking.
"Did anyone tell you that a bed is available over in Alder Unit on Wednesday?" he said.
Keri shook her head. Alder Unit was the unit next to Lime Unit, it was the rehabilitation unit everyone was planning on sending her to.
"Well, there's going to bed free..." he said, hesitating for a second. "Unfortunately, with this all still going on and us not being able to let you off the ward I don't think we're going to be able to send you over there yet."
"I know," Keri said, defeat in her voice. "But I've got ward round on Tuesday. Maybe they'll talk about it then."
"Maybe," he said, getting up to leave. "You get some more rest. Emily will probably have a one to one with you later on if you feel up to it."
"I'm going to have to get up now anyway," Keri said, looking at her watch. "It's gone 7. If I go back to sleep now I'm going to end up having the same disaster as last night."
Brian left and Keri grabbed her cigarettes and made a cup of coffee. While she was out smoking, Emily arrived.
"Hey Keri," she said. "Do you want your one to one now?"
Keri stubbed out her cigarette and followed Emily to one of the interview rooms. Emily was the nurse that made the deal that if there were no self harm incidents then she'd take Keri out this afternoon. They had quite a good one to one session. Emily had been planning on taking Keri over to Alder Unit to have a look around and see what it's like but obviously they hadn't been able to because off the state Keri was in. After about twenty minutes Keri was half asleep as her other dose of Diazepam had kicked in. Emily made sure to agree with Keri what she was going to do; watch some comedy, eat some chocolate, and try and stay awake. Emily encouraged Keri to speak to the staff if she felt like self harming again. Keri was taking responsibility for what happened that morning, not mentioning that she hadn't actually realised she was doing it at the time.
So she's had her evening medication. She's not going to bother taking everything early so she's not having her sleeping medication until 1am as usual. Hopefully she gets some rest! She has to be up tomorrow by 12.30pm as she has her psychotherapy appointment. Let's just hope she rests easy tonight.
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***Both of these pictures are the inside of each of her wrists. The first one is of her right, the second of her left (however one has a dressing covering it due to the signs of an infection). Keri's never good at keeping them on! Silly Keri :(***
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