Sectioned in Hospital - Day 104 & 105 (15 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 104 & 105 - 19th & 20th November, Tuesday & Wednesday

Sorry I couldn't write yesterday's blog post guys. Clari decided to get utterly stoned so I wasn't in much of a state to write a post! Keri had to deal with the comedown this afternoon. She went to bed just after 1 and couldn't even move until gone 2.30 in the afternoon! She even left Keri a message on the whiteboard in her room saying "keri thanks for taking the comedown today haha p.s sally said shell get you tomoz xxx". What a lovely message.

Besides that yesterday was quite quiet. It turns out that Keri didn't have a CPA after all. It was a professionals meeting. In other words it's exactly the same as a CPA except Keri's not invited; a dozen professionals thinking they know what they're talking about all gathered together talking behind our backs. No self harm though! That's a bonus. Although Keri has been getting quite agitated with this bug she thinks is crawling in her brain and has resorted to bang her head against the wall to make it stop...

But, moving on to today. Sally self harmed but Keri didn't tell anyone about it right away as she was ambushed by Brian and her psychiatrist. Keri panicked as there was blood all over her bathroom and no dressing on her wound so she quickly shut her bathroom door and put her coat on so the blood wouldn't seep through it. 

Brian and her psychiatrist sat down with Keri in an interview room to give her some feedback from the meeting they had yesterday. Sye is keeping the bed free until Keri is allowed to leave Lime Unit, so the bed is there and won't be used before she's ready to go. The problem that came up was that Keri isn't allowed to go to Alder Unit until she's at least allowed out safely on her own which isn't happening at the moment. She spent nearly two weeks confined to the ward (besides being taken to be stitched) and has only recently been out twice with staff escorted to the supermarket. She has to be carefully monitored as she tries slipping things like razor blades into her shopping basket. Brian and her psychiatrist decided to discuss unescorted leave. Starting tomorrow Keri will be allowed half an hour ground leave, on the condition she keeps her phone with her at all times. Brian is also going to make her a flash card to keep with her in case she panics saying things like "PHONE THE UNIT" or "IT WONT WORK" (this is to do with Keri trying to get to the suspension bridge). There was a lot of talk about the risks involved such as Keri's self harming, her dissociating and her urges to go to the suspension bridge. 

When she spoke to Brian later on when he was sorting the flash card he said that normally they'd wait about an hour after someone was due back before calling the police but in Keri's case it would be almost straight away so she'd have no time to get to the bridge and would be picked up before she got there. That's what he meant by the "IT WONT WORK" statement he's going to put on the flash card. They want to take some risks but they're doing it carefully due to Keri's complete lack of impulse control at the moment.

After they're conversation Keri ended up telling the staff about the self harm as she needed stitches. Her psych and Brian had asked during their session if she wanted to harm herself and she said 'no' but what they didn't realise at the time was that Sally had already self harmed immediately before speaking to them and Keri was feeling kind of numb. She ended up with more stitches in her arm but at least some were able to be taken out today so that's a bonus. Unfortunately that's another red mark on her record.

Clari is planning to get completely stoned tonight after Keri's had her sleeping tablet at about 1ish. That's why I'm writing this blog post now otherwise I won't get the chance to otherwise! The staff know Clari has been out and been smoking weed. Keri was particular about who she told and ended up telling Jewels who escorted her to the hospital. The reason she's particular is because she likes speaking to people that understand the situation, such as Keri's amnesia and her not being able to tell anyone whether Clari has a stash. Some staff members just don't understand it. Jewels has reported it to the night staff during handover so maybe Clari won't get away with is. We'll find out later!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 65 & 66

Written by Fox.

DAY 65 - 11th October, Friday

Keri woke up just after 7am after having only two and a half hours sleep. She got up and had a cigarette and her face almost went numb when she was smoking it so she thought 'screw this' and ended up going back to bed. The dietician turned up and Keri told her to come back later as she didn't want to get out of bed. By the time she did get out of bed it was 12.30pm but Keri thought it was much later. 

Expecting a visit from the dietician again she decided to wake herself up a bit and was soon surprised to hear that the outreach worker from the fostering agency had come to visit. Bonus is this meant Keri got to get off the ward, let off some steam and have a mcdonalds strawberry milkshake! Her favourite! She did feel a bit sick afterwards as it was the most she had had in her stomach for a while but she enjoyed it none the less. Keri and the outreach worker sat out in the garden. Keri smoked while her outreach worker looked at some photos and read the email Keri had sent to the foster agency manager. Both the physio and the dietician came out while Keri was with the outreach worker and Keri brushed them off, at least until Monday. 

Keri had her session with her psychotherapist but I went to sleep during it. She did get the letter I'd asked Keri to give her though which basically said I couldn't find David yet and that Sally had changed tactics; making Keri feel ill and weak so Sally has more power. This means Keri blames it on not eating (which is obviously contributing anyway) and doesn't know what Sally is doing.

It was Clarissa's day today apparently. We've figured out she had a half an hour window to get stoned between Keri's psychotherapist leaving and Keri leaving her room to play some pool with Sheila. None of us knew at that point that Clari had smoked anything! As Keri was playing pool her vision was going a bit weird. Her eyes wouldn't focus and at one point she was seeing double. Getting a bit worried, she went to talk to Blondie and she noted how dilated Keri's pupils were and told her to go and lie down for a bit, which is what Keri did. While she was laid in bed with her music on she felt herself spinning and was getting weird sensations for an hour. During the time she was laying down Keri clocked on to the fact Clari might have taken something and what we didn't realise is that Blondie had also got a vague idea Clari had done something too (Blondie knows Keri's DID quite well). 

Keri had a game of pool with Blondie after Keri had spent some time lying down and they talked about it and Blondie mentioned how drowsy and dilated Keri's eyes were again. Keri decided to search her room with Blondie. She can't search her room on her own as if one of us has hidden something we don't want Keri to find then when she gets close to it we come out and move it to somewhere she's already looked. Blondie and Keri found a stash of weed, which Blondie took. 

On the bright side, it made Keri very hungry so Keri actually ate this evening! Overall, she's had a fairly good evening. Mick is being discharged tomorrow morning so him, Sheila and Keri all took some pictures, played pool and had a bit of fun. Keri's got his number, and he's promised to come back and visit. Keri's a bit gutted he's going but she's really happy that he's able to have some time to get his head together while he stays with his grandparents. Another long late night ahead...

DAY 66 - 12th October, Saturday

Keri refused to leave her bed until the staff ended up forcing her out of bed at 3pm as they needed to change her bed linen (done every Saturday). She hadn't been asleep but she'd been in a half coma! Probably from the aftermath of Clarissa's naughty smokes yesterday. The staff had come in and given her her two doses of meds while she'd been in bed but she was still very anxious.

She kept pacing round and round the garden. By about 5pm she decided to ask for some medication. The nurse gave her her 6pm Diazepam early to see how that would help. Unfortunately, it didn't work too well. Just after 6pm Keri was sat in her room watching her Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVDs and the next thing she knows it's nearly 7pm and she's on her bathroom floor again surrounded by blood with two more deep cuts in her arm. Yesterday it was Clarissa's day, today was obviously Sally's.

As soon as Keri saw the blood she immediately did the usual; grabbed a towel to stop the bleeding, taking deep breathes and slamming her other hand on the panic button. Seconds later and the jangling of keys was heard rushing to her room. Keri was really not in a good state and because the bleeding hadn't stopped she had to keep the towel wrapped around her arm, not very good for walking down to the clinic room in front of all the patients with a blood soaked towel wrapped around an arm. There was another debate over stitches or steri strips and thankfully they went for steri strips again but because of the tension Keri's unable to straighten out her arm properly. Cat gave her some Lorazepam and Keri went out to smoke after Cat said for her to stay in the communal areas for a while. She lasted for a couple of cigarettes before going back to her room.

Half an hour later and she was sat having a one to one session with Cat. She seemed to understand how complex the situation was getting and how horrible it is for Keri having amnesia. That's why Cat left her for half an hour before chatting to her because Keri needed to get over the panic and shock of suddenly finding herself sitting by pools of blood. That's twice in less than a week now! I think it's because of being trapped in the hospital, plus the court case is getting closer. Sally has very strong feelings about the court case. The last time we went she tried bringing a knife along but luckily Keri didn't take her handbag which is where Sally stashed it without Keri knowing. There's no way Sally can get a knife in time for the court case! 

Anyway, another long night but Keri has her Buffy DVDs to work through! Cat is going to get Keri out of bed in the morning so they can go for a ground walk and have a chat about what's going on. There wasn't much time to go through much this evening but Cat definitely understands why Keri feels suicidal right now!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 17 & 18

.Written by Fox.

DAY 17 - 24th August

Now that was a seriously bad night. Keri didn't get to sleep until at least 5am as she was up all night having visions of her foster family being hurt and killed. In fact it was so real to her that Brian (pseudo name for one of the nurses) gave her some Lorazepam so she was calmer and promised to handover to the morning staff that they would contact Keri's foster mum to make sure she was okay. Keri eventually settled down but was very anxious during the day. She asked the nurses several times about whether anyone had called her foster mum and none of them knew what she was talking about. Their handover sucks! 

Thankfully her foster mum visited in the evening and Keri was reassured that her foster mum was safe, along with everyone else. They even left the hospital and nipped over the road to the supermarket. Keri needed to buy some stuff but the longer they were out the more she was getting agitated. Her paranoia gradually got worse, the bug she thinks is in her head started scratching more, she thought everyone in the supermarket was following her. She saw it in "their beady little eyes". To the outside she probably looked just a bit agitated but on the inside she was going wild. 

Clarissa decided to try and help Keri late in the evening. She'd bought Clarissa some bows and Liz bought her some clips so Clarissa decided to repay the debt for the gifts. Unfortunately this gift came in the form of a very strong joint in the garden after Keri had had her night time medication. Keri found herself sitting on her floor in the ensuite shower/toilet. She knew Clarissa had smoked weed again as she could smell it and feel the effects of it as well. Keri was going to have to wait another half an hour before being able to get her washing out of the dryer. All she wanted to do was lie down and watch the ceiling swirl into different shapes. She fell asleep and didn't get her washing until gone midnight; stumbling along the corridor and going as quickly as she could so that she didn't run into any staff. Luckily the laundry room was unlocked and is only several metres along the corridor from her room. 

After getting her washing she spent nearly an hour trying to get undressed and sorted for bed because her coordination was all over the place. When she did finally collapse into bed that was it and she was totally unconscious, almost like she'd had a litre of vodka thrown down her throat.

DAY 18 - 25th August

Keri was pretty much dead until gone 11.30am, and she only got up because the cleaners were knocking at the door needing to come in and do her room. After getting dressed she sat and waited for her little brother and foster mum to arrive as they were due to visit at 12pm. They never arrived. I didn't even realise that her little brother had messaged me about it until I came out and checked my messages at about 2pm. I wish I'd checked before. It was a message to say that he wouldn't be able to come as the train ticket turned out to be more expensive than he'd thought and he didn't have the money. Poor Keri had been waiting around for 2 hours and I feel so guilty. Remind me to check my messages more! Keri is still not using the Internet or her phone so the only way she can know anything is if her foster mum or someone visits her or if I pass something on from Facebook or whatever. 

Keri was very upset that they weren't able to visit. She decided to talk to staff and she also talked about a patient (let's call her Alison) that was getting to her. This kind of patient is very dramatic, attention-seeking and brags about things that shouldn't be bragged about, showing off self harm wounds like a trophy. Keri's got it rough already, surely she doesn't need any of that as well? It's ridiculous. Unfortunately Clarissa gets along very well with Alison and this is a downfall for Keri. The staff have been very good about all this and Keri was able to talk to her key nurse on shift very openly about her alters. He seemed to understand the complicated situation and Keri was very appreciative. Her urge to self harm (on a scale out of 10) had been a 6, but she told her key nurse that in the recent 10 minutes while smoking it had gone up to an 8. He urged Keri to speak to staff if the urge got any higher.

It's now quite late. Night medication has been taken and still Keri is revved up, having visions again and hallucinating. There's no money missing from Keri's purse and I've searched the room myself for any form of drugs. There is none as far as I can see. I hope this means that Clarissa won't come out to play for a bit. It's okay with me coming out as I just write online or do something rare like go and make Keri a nice cappuccino if she's feeling miserable. I don't do drugs, try and escape from the hospital or hurt Keri in any way. I sure hope she starts getting better soon. Some of the patients here make Keri worse and not better. But, that being said, at least she can't drill a hole through her skull. She's in an environment of enforced forced physical safety in some respects. Silver linings.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 15

Written by Fox.

DAY 15 - 22nd August, Thursday

Keri's had a lot of visits from the medical doctors and from the physiotherapist today. She's been given exercises to do because of her joint problems and the doctor thinks Keri may have rheumatoid arthritis so will be doing tests at some stage to see what comes back from that. Everyone clearly knows her joint problems have been caused by the years of her eating disorder but she's in denial about that and just tries blaming it on genetics? I don't think that's logical. 

One of the good things about her being in a psych unit is that there are doctors around all week. She's been meaning to go to the doctors for ages about things but never got around to it, like her joint problems for instance. It's been told to her multiple times by dieticians etc that because of the length of time she's not been eating properly she could end up with osteoporosis or arthritis, but she never listened.

She's also been prescribed a laxative now as well to take a couple of times every day (again, another long-term side effect of her ED is chronic constipation). The doc said she'd prescribe it in oral form first and if things didn't improve they'd have to do something the other end. Haha! Rather her than me! If oral treatment doesn't work I'm definitely going to run for the hills so I don't have to see anything going on down there!

Vex has really annoyed Keri. She's been wearing a long sleeved top today and got hot so had to roll up the sleeves. The weather has been boiling. She was out on the ward getting ready to go out with him to Tesco. He was sat at the nurses' station with another nurse and suddenly said, "Why have you got your sleeves rolled up, Keri? Do you like showing off your scars?" WHAT!? This has even annoyed me, let alone how it's bothered Keri. It's absolutely boiling weather and now she's too scared to even roll up her sleeves anymore. She's already ashamed of herself, why say that to make her feel even worse about herself? You'd think these nurses would think before they spoke. Keri doesn't wander around showing off her scars with pride, she sees them as horrific and disfiguring, not a trophy to be shown off. Stupid fucking nurse. -angry face!-

Keri's been quite calm, besides scratching and pacing and pulling out her hair. In the circumstances though, that is calm! She hasn't needed any PRN Lorazepam so that's got to be a good thing. Although once again she's combined her night time medication with a joint. This better not become a habit! We'll find out if that's the case once she runs out. Hopefully that'll be the end of it and Clarissa won't get her more. Keri doesn't normally do drugs but if she's offered them she'll do anything for a temporary break from reality. Well, she's already out of touch with reality so let me rephrase that! She'll do anything to get a temporary break from HER reality right now, she finds it too painful.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 14

Written by Fox.

DAY 14 - 21st August, Wednesday

Due to the lack of updates I'm sure you're all aware it really wasn't a good day. Everything was suspiciously calm the day before. 

Keri was going to go down to the gym. She's still not allowed unescorted leave however one of the nurses made a big mistake, thinking she was allowed unescorted leave on the grounds. He signed her out and she said she'd be back by 12 as that was when the gym session ends, starts at 10am. Later in the evening we found out that this member of staff had been told off very badly for letting Keri out as she's a sectioned patient with no permission for unescorted leave.

She'd barely got through the door to the other unit before she had a blackout. Sally decided to jump at the opportunity to get out of the hospital and an hour later Keri found herself in the middle of a field. In her bag was a new packet of cigarettes, new razor blades and a bus ticket.

It was only about 11.15am so she still had time to get back to the ward by 12pm, but did she? Obviously not! If Sally hadn't taken the chance to escape then Keri would've done it herself anyway. The first thing she did was sit down, take out a blade and start trying to get the bug out of her head. She was doing this for ages before giving up and bursting into tears as she could still feel it clawing at her skull. Unfortunately she was very close to some train tracks so, after unsuccessfully trying to remove this bug, she climbed the fence and got onto the train line.

The voices she was hearing were overpowering her and she kept clawing at her head to get everything out, which didn't work. Trains drove past as she aimlessly wandered across them and reports were being sent in to the network rail workers that a young blonde was on the tracks. She was very lucky at one point not to get hit.

By this point it was about 3pm and a network rail worker found her on the tracks sitting a few feet away from the rails. Keri was too involved in her psychosis to even respond to what the woman was trying to say and refused to move from the tracks. The woman stayed on the tracks with her to slow down any oncoming trains and also phoned for a paramedic (Keri had blood all over her hands and her head) and the British Transport Police. 

The paramedic arrived on his motorbike and managed to persuade Keri to go with him to get off the tracks after spending a bit of time trying to build a bit of trust. She followed him across the train line and down some steps before sitting at the bottom of them while the paramedic got his medical kit out. The police had arrived and were lingering around and Keri started to panic.

"Keri, listen," said the paramedic. "You're not in any trouble okay? The police are just here to make sure you're kept safe."

While the paramedic was cleaning Keri's head, the police went through her bag. Her passport gave them all the necessary information and also her DID Crisis Card. They were all very understanding. By this point Keri had been crying and told them she didn't want to go back to the psychiatric hospital as she'd been sectioned there for 2 weeks. Even though she's on a full section the police still put her on a section 136 so that they had the legal power to keep her safe until getting her back to the ward as her head injury needed to be treated in a medical hospital first so it could be closed.

Two more paramedics arrived in their van and they took her the nearest hospital to have her head all sorted out. She was rushed straight through because of her agitation and the police escorts. There were a lot of phone calls being made to the psych hospital to clarify that Keri was on a full section and needed to be taken straight back to the ward.

As soon as Keri got near the van to leave after being treated she panicked again. She didn't want to go back to the hospital and started trying to resist the police officers.

"I can't go back there! I don't need to be there!" she shouted.

"Keri, you need to come with us," one of the officers said while keeping hold of Keri so she couldn't try running off again. "I don't want to take you back by force. I want to be able to get you in the backseat. I don't want you handcuffed or put in the cage. You can trust me. I'm not going to let anybody hurt you, okay? Hospital is the only place you can go right now, we have to take you there. Come on, slow your breathing down. Relax for me. That's better. Do you think you can come and get in the van now? I'll be sat next to you all the way so there's nothing to be afraid of."

Keri eventually got into the back of the van after being persuaded. She didn't have a choice. It was either hospital by force or hospital without handcuffs. By the time she'd got back to the ward it was gone 5pm. She'd been missing from the ward for over 7 hours. The police chatted to Keri's key nurse before they left and she went out into the garden afterwards where Keri was smoking and had a good chat with her. She wasn't being belittling or telling her off for what had happened, all she wanted to do was to help Keri. Her key nurse has a very good heart. She gave Keri some Lorazepam with her Diazepam for her 6pm medication to see if it would calm Keri down a bit. It didn't.

One of the highlights of the evening was that at about 8.15pm a nurse came into Keri's room and said, "Your foster mum is going to be here to visit you soon." Keri was gobsmacked! So soon after they're holiday? She didn't think she'd be seeing them until at least Friday. 

Her foster mum gave her a handmade bracelet with Keri's name on it. It's lovely! Clarissa likes the pink bag it came in! Keri's foster mum and Keri chatted a lot about the holiday and about what had been happening on the ward. It turns out the police had actually turned up at Keri's foster parents' house and had to search it from top to bottom to make sure she wasn't hiding anywhere! The fact that her foster mum visited really pleased Keri. She was feeling quite depressed and is desperate to get back home with her family. She was really eager to listen to her foster mum while she was talking about what they did while on holiday.

Unfortunately Clarissa has also found the time to have fun. She's a very good impersonator of Keri and has managed to acquire some weed from another patient. Keri realised this when she found money missing from her purse and weed in her room! Keri isn't really a drugs kind of person but she's currently not in the state of mind to realise that. Keri, herself and partly Clarissa, decided to have a joint before bed in the evening combined with her cocktail of night medication. She's trying to self-medicate so she doesn't feel so horrible. At first she got even more paranoid but she did feel physically more relaxed. She slept through the whole night! That's a first. Maybe that's the silver lining for what Clarissa did!