Sectioned in Hospital - DAY 173 & 174

Written by Fox.

DAY 173 & 174 - 27th & 28th January, Monday & Tuesday 

Like I said at the end of my last post, Sally had started threatening Keri and told her she couldn't have any appointments and wasn't allowed to take any of her medication, so yesterday that's exactly what happened. Keri missed her psychotherapy session with Fiona and also didn't take any of her medication. Even after only missing two doses you could see the anxiety difference. Keri kept rapidly pacing round and round the garden. The staff kept a close eye on her as she'd explained why she wasn't taking any medication and didn't have her appointment with Fiona. They tried to keep her distracted with games, movies etc but nothing seemed to be helping.

Eventually, by about 8pm, her key nurse, Emma, persuaded Keri to take some of her medication, especially the Diazepam. She promised that if Keri dissociated and Sally was to come out then she'd make sure she was kept safe and on the ward and that the staff would deal with it if that scenario were to happen. Emma even said it might be good that Sally comes out as they might be able to talk to her. Obviously, the staff working at the time hadn't met her before...

After taking her morning doses of medication she'd missed we all immediately felt Sally's anger about it. I'll use the phrase Keri uses which is she knew "shit was about to go down". Emma invited her to the staff office to sit with the staff as it was obvious Keri's anxiety had gotten worse after taking the tablets. With the staff unable to distract Keri they hoped that being sat in the office with all the staff would be helpful. It was almost like she was on 4 to 1 observation!

After maybe 20 minutes Sally completely exploded and kicked off while still in the staff office. She walked straight out the door and went for the front entrance. Andy tried to stop her from leaving but Sally shouted and swore at him. Her aggressive demeanor and anger made him back off for a second. I think he was surprised at how different her and Keri were. Their alarms were all set off but that split second Sally managed to grab was enough to be able to open the first door out into the ward entrance. From there all she had to do was press a switch on the wall, open the last door and that was it. Emma realised it was Sally and tried calling her but Sally just turned her head around, screamed "Fuck off!" and then sprinted off; described by a member of staff as a 'bolt of lightning'. She was way too fast for any of the staff to be able to catch her, even though two of the males legged it after her and tried, so instead some staff got into the ward car and drove around for a bit trying to find her. Sally's not stupid, she went off road. She managed to find a bus to take her up near the suspension bridge. This wasn't planned as Sally hadn't expected to have to come out as Keri had been doing as she was told. She let Keri out up by the observatory again.

When Keri found herself standing in the dark, with a cigarette in her hand, completely dead on her feet and exhausted, the only thing that got her walking was knowing the suspension bridge was there. Her muscles were completely seized up and fatigued and part of her knew there was no chance of getting over the fence but she wasn't going to miss the opportunity. She forced herself on to the bridge, but as she reached the middle and tried getting over the fence she couldn't even pull herself up enough to get her feet off the ground. 

Security arrived and one of them held her arm, immediately noticing how unsteady and wobbly she was.

"Have you taken anything you shouldn't have tonight or had any alcohol?" he said. 

Keri shook her head. Even though she said she hadn't, he knew about her DID and suspected an overdose of some kind as he knew about Keri's amnesiac episodes and realised she didn't remember anything until she was up by the observatory. Keri had no fight left in her and started walking with the guard without a struggle. Suddenly her head was swimming and she felt like she was underwater. The next thing she knew she was being lifted from the floor by the two guards. She'd passed out and collapsed. The guards both helped her to their toll booth to get her sat down and got an ambulance and police unit en route to the bridge.

Keri was taken to the BRI in the back of an ambulance with a police escort. She had her bloods taken and was warmed up in a cubicle. Sally came out a couple of times while they were waiting for the blood results to come back. The problem was the officers didn't realise about the personality switches so thought Keri was just deliberately playing up. They had to wait for a couple of hours for her blood work to come back which thankfully showed she hadn't overdosed. They're conclusion about Keri collapsing was that she hadn't eaten for days and through sheer exhaustion her body just gave out. She was told to make sure her fluids and food intake needed to change or it would happen again, except next time she might end up not waking up so quickly.

One of the officers ended up saying some quite hurtful things to Keri which ended up making her cry in the back of the police car. His response was, "Oh, that's right. Bring on the tears." What?! How could he say that after all Keri had been through that night!? He was unbelievable. Her silent crying continued as Keri got to the unit and police even grabbed her arm tightly even though she was walking straight for the door. Staff tried getting her to sit in the lounge on one to one but Keri was too upset. She ended up going to her room. At this point it was no longer silent crying, it was verging on hysterical. It went on for over half an hour with Bernie sat on her chair beside her. I don't think he quite knew what to do. Some of the things he said were meant to be helpful and Keri listened to him but she was crying so much she found it hard to concentrate.

Justin turned up at Keri's door and kneeled down by Keri. He'd brought up her medication. Oh my god! One of them was for her GERD, the other five were psych meds; her Quetiapine, Mirtazapine, Diazepam, Lorazepam and Promethazine. You couldn't even see the bottom of the little paper pot. Keri managed to take them without another Sally fiasco. It was now gone 4am and all Keri wanted to do was lie down but her brain was flying around too much. 

After crying to the point of wanting to collapse again, she smoked, got changed into something dry and warm, and spoke to Bernie. He said that she was going to be on 15 minute obs until she fell asleep, as she'd calmed down a little as the medication had started kicking in, and then from there they'd go back to hourly. She agreed as she needed some space. She put on Taken and ended up falling asleep while lying on her bed. Bernie was kind enough to turn off her TV and fairy lights when he saw that Keri was completely knocked out, mainly down to the amount of medication she'd had.

The staff were kind enough to also leave Keri alone to sleep today besides giving her her medication. She didn't fall asleep until nearly 6am and got up around 2.30pm which is pretty good. She woke up to find out that all her leave had yet again been taken away (which involved writing a shopping list to give to staff to get her binge food for a binge and vomit session). She's also been put back on one to one observation. Keri's mum and a member of staff have said there's no point in Keri being on one to one as Sally still managed to get out while sitting with several members of staff in their office and them setting off the alarms. Although, when Keri spent two weeks on one to one, Sally didn't come out and have a rage so I don't know.

Keri has actually been talking today but she hasn't really wanted to be around people. She had an unexpected visit from her CPN. She's leaving in two weeks. Thanks for the warning Sue! She's yet another person who brought up the subject of Keri being admitted into a secure ward. It's all going to be discussed in her CPA on Friday. Sue will be there anyway, and so will Fiona. Both of which have now spoken about maybe moving Keri would be helpful until Sally's under control.

Who spends over an hour on the phone? Keri and her foster mum is the answer! It really perked Keri up. She was happy to hear the reason her foster mum hadn't been able to visit was that she'd been completely manic for ages. Part of Keri had started wondering whether something had happened or she'd done something wrong. After that conversation, she realised this wasn't true so she no longer had these critical or paranoid thoughts about it all. Hopefully Keri's foster mum can visit tomorrow but if not she'll text Keri to let her know. At least Keri's not one to take things personally when it comes to her foster parents. Everyone else? Well, she'd hold a grudge forever!

Keri's actually been trying to stay calm this evening. She's lying in bed watching The Hobbit. She wants to talk to the staff about how she's feeling but is way too exhausted to have an indepth conversation at this time of night. It's gone 3am! I'm going to get her ready for bed myself otherwise she's never going to do it!

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months (22 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 154 - 8th January, Wednesday

Keri was up at 8 this morning! She even had her morning medication at 8.15 after an espresso! It's shocking really. She's absolutely exhausted. This evening before it hit 8pm she ended up falling asleep while watching TV and got up at 10.15pm so she was a bit more awake. She tried so hard to stay awake all day but in the end her energy just disappeared and she was asleep before her head even hit the pillow.

Keri's CPA for today? Keri was hanging around waiting for nearly 2 hours to be called in and it turned out that it turned into more than just a CPA and she never got called in! We hated it! We don't like big meetings where everyone just talks behind our back! She managed to sit with her foster mum for a bit afterwards who told her there had been about 13 people in the meeting, including 4 police officers. They even watched the video that the helicopter had recorded the last time Keri went missing, so the staff and Keri's foster mum saw it all. It was when Keri was perched at the edge of a railway bridge. I'm getting quite confused as three people have now asked Keri what she dropped down onto the railway track. Did she drop something? Not that I can recall! Unless maybe you count a cigarette butt as Keri was smoking while waiting for a train (she thought it made her feel warmer but of course that's just psychological). 

In the next couple of days Keri's going to be having a meeting with the ward manager and a couple of police officers. Now Keri's panicking as she woke up with such a terrible headache this evening, she can barely even open her eyes because of the pain. The last thing she wants is another incident taking place before she sees these officers! No self harm today unless you count the fact Keri's been thrashing her head against her bedrooms wall to try and get the voices out of her head. That's left a bruise. No one has complained as she's the only patient on the female wing so banging against the wall doesn't bother anyone.

Depression and panic pretty much describes Keri's evening. I'm worried about how much the unit is going to be handle before Keri's sent back to Lime Unit. Keri said to Matt after he'd come to speak to her outside that if she was sent to ECH then it would completely destroy her (that's in the literal sense). While this was happening Simon came out playing MC Hammer again... I think that's his new theme song. At least it made Keri smile.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 150 & 151

Written by Fox.

DAY 150 & 151 - 4th & 5th January, Saturday & Sunday

Keri got up around midday on Saturday. She'd had a really bad night and had needed extra medication. It was very noticeable to the staff and it wasn't something she was able to keep hidden. We were all shouting, she had a headache and all of us had given up. I'd made a post on Friday which she read like I asked. At the bottom I'd written "we're gone tomorrow". That was the truth. All of us had given up. So we didn't exist? Well, then let's make it that way.

She got up and hurriedly did her washing, knowing that when she asked for an hour of leave (she now has two separate hours of leave a day) that Sally would help her do something and that we'd succeed because even if the police were called before we'd killed ourselves, they'd be all preoccupied waiting and circling around near the suspension bridge.

Keri told staff she was going to the supermarket. She didn't even get near the inside before Sally came out, got her on a bus and the next thing Keri knows is she's standing next to a tall fence next to a railway line and the sun has gone down. Looking through her bag she managed to find the small torch she usually keeps in her bag, just in case. It's just a cheap one from tesco but it definitely is bright! She couldn't get over the fence and onto the railway line so ended up walking through woods and deserted areas for hours, consistently getting her feet stuck in mud or getting freaked out that her hallucinations were following her. She was absolutely freezing and on the verge of collapse

Finally, she managed to find a remote bridge that overlooked the railway. There were houses nearby but the path to the bridge was pitch black, and so was the bridge itself. Keri knew that no one would be walking around in the dark like that at that time of night. Even though she was stiff from the cold and felt like fainting, as soon as she looked over the railings she shone her torch down into the darkness. It was a mainline railway. The cold disappeared and she felt so calm and relaxed. Just as she was looking down, one train passed on the right hand side track so, after quickly looking to make sure no one was around, she climbed onto the wall and over the railing, perching on the edge of the bridge just over the track that the train had just crossed. She knew that her best bet would be jumping in front of a train from a bridge as the driver wouldn't see her until it was too late. 

After about fifteen minutes she was to the point where she was almost dangling off the side of the bridge and suddenly heard that familiar noise of the police helicopter. She prayed that hopefully because she was so cold, the thermal cameras wouldn't pick up on her. Unfortunately they found her and started circling to direct ground units to her. There were three officers that were quickly behind Keri. She didn't even realise they were there.

"Back up and give some space for a minute," said one male officer as they waited for more units. It was clear from Keri's posture that she was ready to jump as soon as she had the chance. It wasn't going to be long before a train turned up on her side of the track. The police knew this and I heard the same officer ask someone to make sure the trains were stopped. Keri heard nothing. She still was ignorant to her surrounding popularity, and tried ignoring the helicopter. The officer asking for the trains to be stopped had been too late, there was one on the way, Keri could see the lights and felt the vibrations on the bridge. Now, she thought. She glanced down at the dark tracks as the train got closer, thinking that it looked so peaceful. There was no panic, no distress. She just knew that she wouldn't have to feel anymore pain.

Before the train got too close, all of a sudden there were several officers grabbing Keri with every hand they could manage. Keri was startled and started struggling. I don't know whether you guys have ever watched the first series of Touch, but if she's touched by people without any warning or by people she doesn't know she starts struggling (which makes people hold onto her tighter), starts hyperventilating, and makes horribly distressing noises. She was shouting and crying and tried everything to get out of their grip. At one point they had to restrain her to the point of hurting her. It wasn't their fault though. Keri was still on the other side of the wall and railings. If they let her go she'd have tumbled down onto the tracks.

"Call in for more back-up!" an officer shouted down his radio. "She's still on the wrong side of the railings and we need help getting her back over. She's really struggling with us here." 

Keri didn't hear them say that either. She was suddenly blinded by the helicopter spotlight which attracted the attention of most of the houses lined up along the railway. With a bright light in her eyes, still alive and in an extremely panicked state, she totally zoned out. The officers somehow managed to get her over the railings and lift her from the wall and onto the floor. Again, they couldn't help but hurt her as they carried her over the top of the spiky railings as the struggling continued.

The officers managed to get her standing up and Keri was still unresponsive, making distressed noises, hyperventilating and staring at the floor as officers held onto her to put her in a police car.

"Hey Keri," one officer walking a few steps ahead said. "Do you remember me? I've met you before."

She didn't even hear his question. She was placed inside a police car without a struggle while a very kind officer sat in the back with her. Keri was rapidly rocking back and forth, still making distressed noises and hyperventilating. The officer put a hand on her back.

"Keri, it's okay," he said. "You're safe, you're with us now."

Keri remained unresponsive during the whole journey.

"Keeping an eye on her hands mate?" the driver said. 

"Yeah, there's no issue. She's not talking, or doing anything for that matter. Totally unresponsive."

They were bringing her back to Alder Unit.

"According to the inspector, we've just got to play good cop and then leave," the driver said. They were very kind to Keri. The inspector was absolutely fuming and was putting in another report and contacting Alder yet again. The police weren't angry at Keri, they were angry with the mental health system.

With Keri soon heavily doped up on medication and given a hot cup of tea, she was kept on one to one observation. Their main priority was to get Keri into some warm dry clothes before she started getting hypothermia, the second was to get her something to eat as she was so close to fainting. After that Keri was allowed to go to her room, still being checked regularly by staff. You would've thought that she'd have fallen asleep early but again it was another late night.

Not much to report on today. By the way, happy 18th birthday to Keri's younger brother Jamie! Keri's been in her room for most of it. One of the staff took her to the supermarket to get batteries as her unescorted leave has been banned. Staff have had the police on the phone for a while today talking about things as they're getting so angry. Let's see how tonight pans out. All of us are pretty annoyed that Keri was found. How do you instill hope into those that have none?

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 143

Written by Fox.

DAY 143 - 28th December, Saturday

There's not much to say about today. Keri's kept herself in her room and didn't even  get up until gone 4pm because of the fiasco that happened last night. She's barely said a word, been sat in the same positions for hours and seems to be sinking into her 'other' world (will explain later in the post).

The concern from the police has gone really high. Last night the sergeant was concerned over what could happen to Keri, saying that there only has to be 'one time', and about the amount of response he'd had to try and round up to be able to find Keri. As Keri's classed as high risk, the police have to send out all their resources, including the helicopter and the dogs. It spreads their officers very thin on the ground. This could cause some issue with Keri staying on Alder Unit.

Back to Keri, she has 'another world'. It's not even close to a daydream, she actually feels it as another reality, sometimes even more so than this one. Her parents are still together and she's been in hospital since she was 8 years old (which is a way of explaining away her 8 year amnesia). She doesn't have a little brother, and her little sister never died, so there's just her and her sister. According to them she was never in care and she was institutionalised because she's schizophrenic (this is all in her world, it's not fact; although she did have a baby sister who died when she was very young). Keri prefers that world to this one so when she starts getting into a SERIOUS form of depression she slips into an almost catatonic state. Her body is still there but her head is somewhere else. She becomes unresponsive and barely moves a muscle. She presents outwardly in the same way she would if none of us came out and her body was just a shell with no personality filling it, except the difference is, Keri's personality still does fill it, but she's totally involved in a different world. It's very complicated!

Keri's been allowed to go out and smoke alone today but this evening they've started putting her on one to one observation whenever she goes out to smoke. They thought it would be a good idea "just in case" as they've realised that Keri's most likely to dissociate at night time. They've even started checking her straight after handover at 9.30pm instead of waiting for hourly observation and checking her at 10pm to make sure she's still in her room and hasn't disappeared.

Hopefully she'll get an early night tonight. She wants to go to the supermarket tomorrow but she can't do that if she's not up until 4pm! She's well rested from her bad dissociative episode. But if she can't go then I'll go for her. It's the least I can do and at least I'll feel like I've managed to help her somehow!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 142

Written by Fox.

DAY 142 - 27th December, Friday

I thought today was going to be a calm day but it didn't turn out that way. Keri's been sinking into her depression further and further. She hasn't smiled. She's barely spoken; and when she does speak her voice is flat. She hasn't laughed. She's barely socialised. She's been feeling suicidal. I think that's what triggered Sally to come out this evening.

About twenty minutes before handover Sally decided to jump the fence again. Keri had gone out to have a cigarette and dissociated while out there. What Sally didn't realise was that one of the staff saw her dart over the fence and saw the little bobbles on Keri's hat (a woolly teddy hat one of her foster brothers gave her for Christmas). Obviously they tried to phone Keri's mobile but Sally had no intention of answering. 

With more speed than she's ever had before, Sally made it to the observatory and let Keri out. Keri didn't see any sign of anyone and snuck down the path towards the bridge. She saw a police car circling so hid in the bushes until it went round on it's next circuit and was out of sight. As soon as it had gone she ran down the path and went to go on the bridge. Unfortunately for her there were two officers walking down the bridge which Keri hadn't seen. Keri didn't even manage to get onto the bridge. She saw an officer with a torch and as soon as she did she turned round and walked in the opposite direction to get around the fence to get around the other side of the bridge.

"Hey, excuse me!" said one of the officers. 

Keri ignored them, knowing they knew exactly who she was.

"Keri, don't try running," he said as Keri backed away as they walked towards her. 

She tried tricking them. She went to run for one side of the bridge so the officers darted to one side expecting to catch her, then suddenly changed direction and darted to the opposite side of the bridge. She sprinted as fast as she could and then an officer came out of nowhere and jumped at her, both of them falling to the ground and Keri being restrained by two officers on the floor. She was handcuffed as two other officers turned up, the two that had been doing their circuit.

Two of them took Keri into a car and started driving back to the hospital. Keri was rocking, talking to herself, and was unresponsive to the officers besides mumbling that she didn't want to be stopped. Halfway through the journey she managed to get off one of her cuffs. Slipping off her seat belt, she launched herself towards the front of the car as she knew the back doors were locked. The officer with her restrained her and tried to get the cuffs back on. He couldn't do it alone so the officer who was driving got out and helped get them back on again. 

"You keeping an eye on those cuffs?" the officer driving said as they were on their way again.

"Yeah, it's okay," the officer next to her said.

"Well be careful. Her wrists are so small it's hard to keep her in cuffs."

Keri remained cuffed until back at the unit. She stayed on constant observation after the police left and all the doors have been locked again. She's sat in her room on ten minute observation at the moment but still has to be on constant observation when they allow her in the garden to have a cigarette.

She's taken all her medication but she seems really out of it. I'm quite worried. She's barely responsive to anyone talking to her, she's avoiding all eye contact, she's hallucinating again, she's determined to kill herself as the depression is just eating away at her. I don't think she's going to be kept on the ward much longer. I think she's disappeared and had the police bring her back six times in less than a month. Now with the way she's presenting... I don't know. She seems to be slipping into psychosis again.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 138

Written by Fox.

DAY 138 - 23rd December, Monday

Oh my Jesus Christ, today has not been good! It started out okay as Keri's brother came to visit her. She'd refused to get out of bed so the staff brought him upstairs and he managed to get her up, especially with the threat of chucking water on her! She had a cup by her bedside from when the staff had come in earlier to give her her medication. He brought us some presents! I haven't opened my card or anything yet as I haven't had the chance! Keri also gave him his present which she demanded he open while he was there. It was a set of headphones which he seemed to really like, and I'm not talking little things. They were £80! So she's glad he likes them.

With a headache all day she decided to risk it to go out on leave to go on a binge spree. She wasn't feeling tense and only had the nagging headache so decided to push herself. She managed to get back to the ward safely, and with her bag of food so all went well there. However during the course of the day she started getting very tense. Emma, her key nurse, gave her some Lorazepam to see if it would take the edge off. It didn't.

By the time it got to handover, Sally had decided she wanted to sabotage Keri's leave, the leave she's been working so hard to get so she can spend the day with her foster family for Christmas. During handover, Sally decided to yet again jump the fence. No one realised she was missing until about ten which gave Sally a good half an hour head start. She got to the observatory very quickly and instead of letting Keri out Sally decided to have a go at the bridge herself. When security pulled her down, Keri came out for a few minutes (although because Sally was still domineering she doesn't remember coming out). She pleaded with the guards to let her go over the fence and the police arrived very quickly as they already knew she was in the area. The police helicopter had followed Sally for about twenty minutes as she was making her way to the bridge.

As soon as the police arrived, they saw the beginning of Keri and how upset she was. But then after the police managed to get one cuff on her wrist she went into a dissociative state where she was unresponsive to anyone, completely rigid, and staring down at the water from the fence. The police and guards tried to get a response but she was totally gone. At that point the body was a shell and no personality filled it. Then suddenly, realising she was being cuffed, Sally came out again. Like an explosion, she let loose at the officers until they managed to get her hands cuffed behind her back. Baring in mind the police van was only parked six feet away in the middle of the bridge, it took several police officers to be able to carry her to the van and get her inside the cage. She managed to kick one of them in the chest, hit one in the face and elbow one in the ribs; even while handcuffed. I have to admit that Sally has skill when it comes to being violent in almost impossible situations.

Sally was left alone in the cage with an officer watching her from the back seat, and two colleagues following behind due to how violent Sally was being. This also meant they put they're lights and sirens on. Very slyly Sally managed to slowly ease her hand out of one of the cuffs. She knew there was a razor blade concealed within the lining of her coat (which meant if she was searched no one would find it). As soon as she got the cuffs off one hand she went straight for her pocket.

"Stop the van!" shouted the officer watching her. "She's uncuffed herself!" 

With a quick siren and a sudden stop, the officers went to the back of the van and opened the doors. With two free hands she managed to assault another two police officers and find herself facedown in the cage being handcuffed again. Did this stop her? She kept trying to get the cuffs off. It's left marks over Keri's hands, some from where the cuffs were, others from scraping her hand out of them.

On arrival back at the unit, Sally was still being extremely verbally and physically aggressive. Four officers stayed with Sally while a nurse tried to get her to take some medication. Sally was still handcuffed and had been forced to sit down. The nurse was trying to get the pills into Sally's mouth but she was having none of it.

"Fuck off you dirty bitch," screamed Sally. "I ain't takin' none of that fuckin' poison!"

In the end, two other nurses had to be called from other units as it took eight people to be able to sort Sally out. As she was refusing any form of pill, phone calls were being made to Lime Unit. They were checking to see if their seclusion room was free so that Sally could spend the night there and have an intramuscular injection as she was refusing any form of medication and had also assaulted several police officers due to her violent behaviour, not something that Alder Unit can deal with. After half an hour of sitting there trying to get out of the handcuffs she finally gave in. There was no way she was going to let Keri back out while in the seclusion unit. In the end, the nurse got three pills and one by one put them in Sally's mouth, had a sip of water, then repeated a couple of times; Lorazepam, Quetiapine, Mirtazapine. Sally felt totally patronised as if she was being spoon fed like a baby. When it looked like the situation was less volatile, they took the handcuffs off of Sally and eventually the police officers left, with the reassurance that every door was locked and secured (to the annoyance of one of the other patients who hadn't gone to bed yet). 

After demanding to have a cigarette the two staff went outside with her to make sure she didn't jump the fence again. The other two staff went back to their wards, reassuring the staff on Alder that they'd rush back ASAP if needed and would try and keep the seclusion room free. That thankfully wasn't necessary. When Sally went back inside, she said, "I'm going upstairs. I'm letting Keri back out. She won't remember anything that happened so good luck explaining that to her you pricks." And with that, she was off to Keri's room. Obviously there was a lot more verbal abuse involved between her, the staff and the officers but I can't write down all of it, I'd be writing a novel otherwise.

When Keri came out, she saw the pile of wet clothes, felt the bruises on her wrists, saw the scraped skin where Sally had been getting out of the handcuffs and noticed a new note on her wardrobe saying, "Keri. Your leave is fucked. Enjoy Xmas." On seeing all this Keri burst into tears for a good fifteen minutes and then text her foster mother saying that Christmas was ruined, which turned into a short phone call about what had happened, except Keri couldn't tell her much as she'd been too scared to go and talk to the staff. She had no idea who was working this evening because Sally disappeared during handover. She plucked up the courage after her phone call and spent a good hour or so chatting with the staff in their office about what had happened. She got quite upset when she was told they were going to have to put Sally in seclusion because she'd assaulted several police officers. Keri felt so ashamed. They explained that Sally had been brought back from the bridge again (the second time in just three days). This lead on to a conversation about Keri's DID as she wanted someone to understand. The staff were quick to realise how terrifying it must be, having complete amnesia and then finding yourself in confusing or dangerous situations. She was then reminded about the fact she was never going to be able to get a driver's licence until Sally's anger has been sorted out.

So now Keri's sat in her room and it's 2.30am. Is that it? I'm nocturnal and even I'm feeling tired! Probably a combination of Sally's trek and the amount of medication in Keri's body. They've given her more Diazepam half an hour ago as well so she'll sleep well. If she's had a major dissociative episode then she can sleep for England the day afterwards as it exhausts her so much. The problem is she wants to be up so she can beg for her leave. She had a discussion about it with the night staff and they're writing everything down. Even if it means Liz has to take care of Keri's medication, including extra Lorazepam (which will very likely be needed) to make sure things stay stable. I'll be being picked up by Liz anyway, the rest is down to Keri. I'm reassured that she'll have all her medication to hand. I doubt Sally will come out. There's going to be ten people, including Keri. Over 50 if you include all of us too! Let's hope Christmas Eve brings some much needed rest, for all of us!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 134, 135 & 136

Written by Fox.

DAY 134, 135 & 136 - 19th, 20th & 21st December, Thursday, Friday & Saturday

Keri didn't find her psychotherapy session very helpful on Friday. She'd been documenting everything hour by hour since Thursday evening as soon as she started getting a headache and knew Sally would eventually come out. A lot of people have suggested writing it all down when things happened to see if there was a pattern. Even though she spent 45 minutes talking to Fiona, she can't remember half the stuff they even talked about and has no idea on how to help with Sally. In fact, no one does.

Yesterday night Sally decided she was going to disappear again. She let Keri out by the time she got to the observatory. Maybe the buses were in her favour or she just ran most of the way there, but either way Sally got Keri up there pretty quickly. Keri looked over the railings at the bridge. There was no one walking on it and even the traffic was pretty quiet, only the occasional car was crossing. Even so, it would've been hard to see Keri in the dark and the rain while driving past anyway. So Keri legged it to the bottom of the observatory then casually walked along it again (she found that if she runs then it gets the security guards on edge straight away). Once in the middle, she looked up and down. No cars. No security. No pedestrians. She started climbing the fence, managing to get halfway over the first fence before being pulled down by one of the managers from the bridge who had happened to be passing in his car as Keri was climbing. He managed to stop and grab her just as the security reached her and was congratulated on how he was able to spot her even in the terrible weather. She was extremely non-compliant and kept kicking off. The guard holding onto her was called Shaun. He'd pulled her down the last time when Sally had tried getting over.

As Keri was kicking off so much, Shaun had to hold one arm around her neck and the other around her waist so he could half carry her to the toll booth house while the other security officer phoned the police to let them know they'd found Keri. Two police officers showed up but after seeing how distressed Keri was they called up for a van, so they had to wait for that to show up. Shaun was actually really good with her. He loosened his grip every now and again but couldn't let her go as Keri kept going for the doors to get back on the bridge. She never could struggle for long as she was in a partial choke hold which then meant she had no choice but to calm down. Her hyperventilating just got worse when two more officers arrived with their van. She panics with police officers as she's had bad experiences in the past, it's nothing personal to them.

"The unit often phone us up and we've already told them that this isn't a cry for help," Shaun was saying to the officers. "She's real serious about getting over the barrier and there's been some times where it's been way too close for comfort. That ward has no idea what they're doing."

One of the officers who'd been stood waiting kneeled down next to Keri and tried getting Keri to look her in the eye.

"Keri, because you're so distressed we want to keep you safe while we take you back to the hospital," she said. "I'm going to have to put some handcuffs on you. I won't do it now, I'm just warning you that that's what I'm going to have to do. Is that okay?"

"No!" Keri screamed. The same woman searched her while Shaun kept hold of her. I don't quite agree with how she was being restrained as one arm was around her neck. She was already hyperventilating. With the amount she was kicking off she was kept constantly restrained. When it was time to get her in the van the female officer took out her handcuffs and was restrained by her and Shaun while they put one cuff on.

"Keri, relax your arm," she said, "come on, I'm not going to hurt you."

Partly relaxing her arm, the officer managed to get Keri's other arm behind her back to put the cuffs on properly. Shaun made sure he was the one to help take Keri out to the van. The traffic had been held up for a good fifteen minutes as the van was blocking the way.

"I can't go back! You've got to let me go! Please!" Keri shouted, by this point she was crying.

With a lot of effort they managed to get her in the cage and get the door shut. Keri went absolutely mental in the thirty seconds she was left on her own. Kicking out at the door and bashing her head really hard against the side of the vehicle. In the end two officers had to get in the cage and keep hold of her. One of them grabbed a soft foam thing and put it between Keri's head and the side of the vehicle. The other kept hold of Keri's arm to keep some form of control when Keri was lashing out.

"The badger was in the sink," Keri said. "The fucking thing stole my spoons! Shut up, shut up!" What?  Yeah, that's what I thought. Make any sense to you? If it does then please explain!

The female officer was following behind in her car. It was quite claustrophobic with three people in the cage, although one of them was only half in there.

The four officers managed to get her back inside the hospital. One of them went into the office to talk to staff while the other three were directed into a small lounge to keep Keri in. When she got back from talking to staff she came in and sat down on one of the sofas.

"Do you want to take the cuffs off her yet?" one of the guys asked her.

"No," she said. "Not yet."

The staff had gone off to get Keri some medication which she took after finally getting the handcuffs off. She wanted a cigarette but the police were very wary. Staff arrived with more pills.

"Here's some more medication," they said. "Part number two."

They went to get Keri's cigarettes but the police weren't happy with letting Keri outside without two of them going out there with her and a member of staff. Once she'd finished she was taken into the staff office to sit with the two staff that were on. The two remaining officers said their goodbyes and left. You could tell they were getting annoyed with the staff. They found it ridiculous that there were only two members of staff for ten patients, especially when someone like Keri is taking up both members of staff.

It was definitely a restless night. Keri didn't go to sleep until gone 3am and woke up terrified thinking her dad was in her room at 7am. She'd also had flashes of road signs which she quickly scribbled in the notebook she keeps next to her bed if she has a nightmare or dreams something confusing or important. Just to make sure she doesn't forget about it. She wrote down all the road signs. Keri doesn't know what the road signs mean but I do. It's the route Sally uses to get to the suspension bridge, somehow while Keri was sleeping that leaked into her dreams. After an hour, she then went back to bed until 3pm. She didn't sleep for that much. By the time she got out of bed, she knew she hadn't been asleep all that time because Sally had graffitied her wardrobe with a message saying "Keri litsen 38" (we're all assuming she means 'listen' as Sally isn't a great speller). Plus an arrow pointing to the left (which could've meant her DVDs, her laptop, her music... Keri ended up watching the 38th DVD on her shelf (Side Effects) and as she was sorting her paperwork she noticed the plug on her docking station was switched on. When she looked at the station, she saw her iPod plugged into it. Keri didn't do that. Sally did it and put it on the list of Eminem songs Keri has. That was what Sally meant. Listening to the 38th Eminem song which was called Talking to Myself. Keri listened to it but doesn't quite understand what she means by it. Sally has never tried explaining her feelings before and if you listen to the lyrics in that song you can tell how hurt and angry she is.

Knowing how annoyed Sally is, Keri decided to sit in the communal lounge for a while and watched Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. She got a bit fed up with another patient. She saw Keri get brought in last night and was having a go at Keri about how she'd seen seven police officers in the unit at one point and that Keri had her whole life ahead of her... What she didn't realise was that whenever anyone says this to Keri she sits there and becomes even more determined to kill herself just to prove that the world has screwed her over and she's not prepared to live in it anymore. She's absolutely dreading Christmas! Even though she's hopefully going to be spending Christmas with her foster parents, the closer the day comes the more miserable she's getting. Looks like I might have to come out for part of Christmas or Sally might end up ruining it for everyone. And you know what? Keri's past caring if Sally comes out again between now and Christmas. How do I get her hope and motivation back? It's breaking my heart seeing her go so downhill. She even looks haunted and ill. You can tell she's not herself. She's forcing herself to smile if she has to but inside she's thinking "I want this all to end!" I'm sorry there's nothing I can do, Keri. I wish there was :(

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 133 (19 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 133 (19 weeks) - 18th December, Wednesday

Keri's still recovering from her stomach bug but is starting to finally feel better. It might be due to the fact she's had nothing but water all day. She tried eating the evening meal the staff prepared but couldn't manage it.

Simon and Keri met up today to have a quick conversation over Keri's pros and cons about staying on Alder Unit. Apparently the police have been frequently in contact with him. Keri's got the write a pen thumbnail to give them (half a page describing where Keri would go missing to, triggers, how she presents, what to do is she's Sally etc). They've already got an updated photo of her as Simon took one on his iPhone a week or so ago. They're going to meet up again tomorrow.

Keri's mum and her partner John are visiting tomorrow afternoon, and bringing the dog with them. Hopefully she gets some leave to take him out. 

Besides all that it's been fairly quiet thankfully. Those are the days we want!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 125

Written by Fox.

DAY 125 - 10th December, Tuesday

Keri did actually get to bed before 2am last night as her head hurt so much. All she wanted to do was lie down. She still had a migraine in the morning but the staff didn't disturb her besides coming in at about 12.15pm to give her her two doses of medication. She stayed in bed until about 2pm. She's been depressed and had a lot of crying episodes going on, which is why I think Sally decided to "help" today.

All Keri remembers is playing a game on her iPad then finding herself running through some dark woods with the police helicopter hovering above her. When she became fully aware of being herself, she slowed down to try and figure out where she was. It turns out she was up near the observatory, yet again by the suspension bridge. Could Keri have stopped and phoned the unit? Yes. Could she have asked for help? Yes. She didn't want it. So instead she legged it to the bridge and casually walked along it. She almost got over the fence again before a passing car spotted her and the two people inside (I'm assuming a married couple) grabbed her and got her off the fence for the few seconds they waited for the security to be able to get there. That's when Keri started to kick off as she knew how far away security had been. She knew that if that car hadn't stopped then she'd have been able to get over.

She started panicking and two officers arrived and had to handcuff her due to the fact she was so distressed to the point of being very unpredictable, and Sally was nipping out here and there which kept getting her restrained. They kept hold of her until a police van arrived. They thought it would be safer due to Keri's mental state that putting her in the back of a van would be safer for both Keri and the officers, one of which sat in the cage with her.

After finally managing to get Keri back to the unit the police took her into the staff office where they sat Keri down and spoke to the staff. At this point Keri was rocking frantically back and forward, still hyperventilating and was unresponsive to anyone speaking to her. The staff decided it would be better to speak to the police without Keri there and took her through to the manager's office. One staff member chatted to the police while another went to get Keri a cup of tea. Keri overheard the police talking to Andy, a member of staff, and about how things were going to work out. The police were of the opinion Keri needed to be on a locked ward and were talking about the repetitive absconding and dangerous situations that had happened only in the last four months of being in hospital. Keri zoned out a bit after that but I heard Andy say to the police that if this happens again then Keri will be moved to a secure ward, and it could very well be likely that she'd be sent to ECH. Not something anyone wants! 

She was kept on one to one for a while, now she's on ten minute obs. The staff have said that when she settles to bed they'll take it down to half hour obs and then after a couple of hours put it down to hourly obs again so they don't disturb her when she finally gets some much needed sleep. Unfortunately it doesn't look like Keri is going to bed any time soon! Such a shame. I really hope things start settling. Keri's going to text her psychotherapist tomorrow and see whether there's anything she can do to help.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 119 & 120 (17 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 119 & 120 - 4th & 5th November, Wednesday & Thursday

Yesterday was quite a quiet day. Keri was herself all day which was reassuring. She saw her personal advisor for social services and then spent most of the rest of her time in her room with her DVDs and music. She was desperate to have some of her own space. She thought she was going to get it by moving to Alder Unit as she was told she'd only be checked on once every shift. She was still on hourly observation.

Waking up today, Keri felt quite tense and knew Sally was lingering. She tried to do her normal routine, starting off by going down to do her physio in the gym. Her key worker had a chat with her when she got back and asked how Keri was.

"Feeling a bit tense," Keri said. "Something bad is going to happen."

"Is that a gut feeling?" she said. "Like a sense of impending doom?"

"That's a bit of an exaggeration," Keri said, smiling slightly.

"You know what I mean," she said. "We're here if you need us."

Later that evening, Keri asked if she could go out on unescorted leave. She wanted to get some goodies from the supermarket. She had no intention of disappearing. Her plan was to go to the supermarket and then come back to the unit so that she could build up her leave and eventually get off of her section. Unfortunately, Keri dissociated and she found herself standing in some bushes in pitch black right next to the suspension bridge.

The problem with Keri is she's consciously trying to think of her future, however, subconsciously she's still suicidal. Sally is part of Keri's subconscious so acts on these feelings. Keri wasn't angry at all. In fact, she was glad. She's been struggling so much that she knew that finally it could all be over. Those subconscious feelings were how conscious and in the forefront of her mind. There was no one on the bridge and she sprinted to the middle of it. What she didn't realise was that there was a passer by on the other side of the bridge. She saw Keri climbing over the barrier and ran across the road to pull her down. That stranger saved Keri's life. The security wouldn't have gotten to her in time. She was restrained by security when they ran over to where she was fighting with this woman. Both of them got Keri onto the floor while she struggled. Luckily the woman was still there and security asked her to ring 999 and get the police up to the bridge. She'd been reported missing and only twenty minutes earlier security had been told to look out for her. They even had the helicopter flying in circles around the bridge.

Four police cars showed up and she was handed over to the officers by the security guards. At this point she was still fighting against them. When they finally managed to get her into the back of a 

police car she gave up. She went into another dissociative stupor until they got back to the hospital. Since being back at the hospital they've given her all the medication they can and kept her on one to one observation for five hours from 8.30pm until 1.30am when Keri said she was going to get ready for bed. It was decided they could put Keri on ten minute observation for the night. Considering there's only two members of staff, one of them had to be with Keri at all times while the other had to do everything else. The other patients were getting a bit agitated as the staff had to keep all the doors locked, including the doors out to the smoking area. I'm assuming this was done to reassure the police that Keri wouldn't have another episode.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 93 & 94

Written by Fox.

DAY 93 - 8th November, Friday

Keri forced herself to get up at 2.30pm as she had an appointment with her psychotherapist at 3pm. The first thing she checked as she woke up was the public site that lists court listings and gives live feeds as to what's happening. When she looked at it it said that the jury had retired to make their verdict over an hour earlier. She started panicking.

Most of her psychotherapy appointment involved talking about court. While her psychotherapist was there, another court update appeared on her phone saying that court had resumed but it didn't specify a verdict. Her psychotherapist promised to come back after she'd finished with another appointment just after 6pm to check in on her about the verdict if she'd found out.

The police liaison officer in charge of the case phoned the staff and she was visiting that evening, around 8pm. All the staff, and even her psychotherapist, knew the verdict. Keri didn't want anyone to tell her until the officer turned up as she knew the ins and outs of what happened during court. When she turned up she sat in Keri's room with a nurse and gave Keri the bad news, her dad was being let off and was found not guilty. Keri couldn't stop crying after the police officer left and spent most of the evening trying to climb the fence in the HDU garden. Eventually she was given some medication and the garden was locked up. Because of all the energy that it had taken to be constantly crying and fighting to get over the fence she was exhausted and fell asleep at her desk before waking up at 5am. After a cigarette she decided to close off the world and huddle in bed. I really don't blame her. She's so gutted that her hard work has been ruined that she thinks she's got nothing left to lose. Her mental health is really badly damaged.

DAY 94 - 9th November, Saturday

Today has been the worst day Keri has had so far in hospital. She got up at nearly 3pm and the first thing she did was put on her coat, refuse medication, grab her bag and try the door out to the HDU garden to get over the fence before anyone realised she was awake. Unfortunately, the door was locked.

After about fifteen minutes she ended up cutting her arm five times, with Sally providing her with a razor blade. Blondie patched Keri up and kept Keri on ten minute observation. Barely half an hour after she'd been patched up she went to the desk saying she wanted some leave, and she only has escorted leave written up.

"Can you look me in the eye and promise that you'll come back with me?" Blondie said. "Look me in the eye and tell me."

"Look this is stupid," Keri shouted, losing her temper. "Why is it that a guilty paedophile is allowed to roam the streets yet I'm confined within the fences of a fucking psych ward?! You know what, fuck this."

Before any of the nurses could reply, Keri stormed out into the communal garden. Another male patient was out there.

"Oi," she said to him. "Can you do me a favour and help me move this bench?"

He had no hesitation and went to help Keri move the bench to the fence. Unfortunately the staff knew Keri was distressed and Nic and Blondie were out before the other patient even got his hands on the bench to help Keri.

"That's not helpful," Blondie said to the other patient.

Keri was kept on one to one observation for at least an hour while she was out in the garden before finally agreeing to go in. She went straight to her room. Twenty minutes later and Nic and Blondie came into her room.

"Keri, we need your room to be a safe place," Blondie said. "At the moment I'm stuck in a position. We will either have to remove everything out of your room including any wires or sharp objects. Or we'd have to lock you out of your room. Or we'll end up having to put you on one to one observation which means a member of staff sat at your door constantly. I'm feeling reluctant to do any of these at the moment. Are you willing to take any of your medication yet?"

With a final shaking of the head from Keri, Blondie got up and left, making sure to remind Keri she was being checked regularly (every ten minutes).

Under two hours later and Keri had cut her arm again, except this time it was to the extent there was no choice but to take her to the hospital to get stitches. As Blondie was examining the wound and trying to stop it bleeding she gave Keri a pot of medication and it was a matter of 'you'll take this medication without argument'.

One of the staff took her up by taxi after Keri promised Blondie she'd come back to the unit with staff afterwards. Keri went to South Bristol Community Hospital so all the staff there know Keri and if the nurses from Callington phone, their patients get priority. Keri was only just able to be seen as they didn't get to the hospital until 8pm due to the taxi wait. Several members of staff stuck their heads in while Keri was being stitched to say hello as they hadn't seen her for a while. Apparently Keri's psychiatrist went to visit them and tell them what a great job they'd been doing with Keri and wanted to use Keri's extensive notes to see how the nurses dealt with self harm and people with mental illnesses. They passed with flying colours! And were also pleased that the psych had thanked them for looking after Keri so well.

Keri returned to the unit but has spent most of her time in her room. The staff are being really sympathetic and caring. No judgemental comments at all. She's still on ten minute observation because she's had a lot of medication so she's pretty out of it. If she wakes up tomorrow and refuses her medication again then she'll end up needing more stitches and one to one observation.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 83 & 84 (12 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 83 - 29th October, Tuesday

Keri started her day with a visit from her little brother. He brought her birthday presents with him, and she opened them even though her birthday isn't until Thursday! He got her a great hoody that has written on the front "If one of my multiple personalities wants to kill themselves, is it classed as a hostage situation?" And on the back it says "Guess who I am today". It's great. He also got her the first series of Bad Education which has Jack Whitehall in it, she's a big fan. She also got given a parcel and a letter from staff, the parcel contained her onesie from her aunt and uncle (which she loves to pieces!) which even includes a hood with ears on! And then a card from her mum's dad which contained a cheque which she wasn't expecting!

Half way through her visit she got a surprise when her foster mum came in and she'd brought her sister and niece to see Keri too. They live in Worthing and sometimes come down for a few days to stay with Keri's foster mum. They had a good laugh and a chat. At some points Keri was wondering what the point was in putting on a smiley face but she kept at it anyway. Even though she's still suicidal, she did like the fact that they'd visited (although Keri's foster mum's niece is obsessed with a song called Baby Monkey, riding backwards on a pig?!).

Once they'd all left she kept herself in her room as she wasn't allowed out. The HDU garden was kept locked for most of the day until a member of staff was sat down doing paperwork in the HDU office. She didn't bother using the garden though, she only really goes out there when she's thinking of scaling the fence.

Her ward round wasn't until nearly 6pm! For some reason they'd gone on longer than usual and Keri ended up having her ward round in her bedroom! All of Keri's leave has been taken away, including escorted leave (however they made an exception afterwards so Keri could get some food for Clari and staff took her over). Jane, one of the nurses in the ward round, said that she was going to have to talk to the police later that evening to tell the sergeant about the plan of action as the police are really annoyed with the staff at the hospital. That's twice in less than a week that Keri's been dragged off the suspension bridge and taken back to the unit, and she's not kidding around. The police know that! They wanted to know how a patient detained on a section on a secure ward was able to 'escape' so often. In their view, Jane said that the police had said Keri needed to be kept in the hospital and institutionalised (aka living in hospital for the rest of her life). Everyone knows that won't happen but Keri was shocked to hear it anyway. They were a bit dodgy about letting Keri home for her birthday on some leave with her foster parents but phoned Keri's foster mum to discuss it. As long as everything is okay this end, it won't be a problem. The staff found the hoody her brother had got her hilarious. Jane turned round and said "In all my years I've heard all the jokes about mental health but I've never heard that one before!"

Like I said earlier, they did let her out after ward round with Jane. That's only because Keri still feels like a walking bruise. The staff did joke about tying their shoelaces to Keri's but in all seriousness they were quite edgy about letting her out.

And finally, Keri's iPhone has now arrived! Security brought it up to the unit this evening. It's so complicated! I'm leaving Keri to deal with that. I've only just gotten the hang of using her iPad let alone that thing! Her mum and mum's partner are visiting tomorrow with some small presents (some are in the post as they didn't know whether they were going to be able to see her for her birthday).

DAY 84 (12 weeks) - 30th October, Wednesday

Keri was actually up before 9am! She was told to get up and go to the clinic room to get her medication. Obviously after she'd done this she was out of bed and awake. 

A bloody tribunal doctor came to see Keri to say that her application to withdraw her tribunal had been denied! Even in the circumstances! Keri made it quite clear that there was no point in sorting the tribunal out as she'd refuse to go anyway. So that tribunal is screwed up, which means she can't have another one within this six months that she's sectioned, technically seven months as the month on a section 2 doesn't count towards the six months on a section 3. I thought the doctor was very rude to Keri actually. Obnoxious and arrogant are two words that spring to mind, she seemed to think she was more important than everyone else.

Straight afterwards, literally, Fiona turned up and had a session with Keri. She's getting even more fed up with people talking about her future and she's annoyed about all her leave being taken away as she doesn't want to be kept safe. Like her friend Megan said to her when she was texting earlier, Keri's a "determined little fuck". I couldn't have said it better myself! Now Keri's got it in her head that the only way out is the suspension bridge there's no way she can distract herself. She's thinking more and more, planning in more and more detail, it's actually freaking the crap out of me because, sooner rather than later, she's going to succeed.

Her mum and partner visited today. They told Keri they had some small presents but Keri didn't class them as small! Even just a visit from them was enough for her! She got some doc martin boots from her mum (from a friend except Keri's mum can't fit in them!), lots of iced coffee, cigarettes, brownies and also a fab watch which Keri had her eye on when she saw her mum wearing something similar. Keri now has two watches which she's quite happy with. She's obsessed with time. They had a good chat but the visit took a downhill drop when Keri asked staff if she was allowed out. She wanted to go to tesco and take Amos out for a walk but the staff said she wasn't allowed any leave. This got Keri real annoyed. Luckily, an ex patient who Keri met last time she was here had come to visit. Keri recognised her but didn't say anything at first just in case she'd forgotten who Keri was but she knew her straight away and they had a good chat, she even stood and chatted with Keri, Keri's mum and her partner for a bit. According to Keri she looked a lot better than the last time she was here. I wouldn't know, I never met her. Keri got cheered up a bit but hated it when it was time for them to go. With a box of coke cans and lots of doggy kisses from Amos (they brought him to the entrance to the unit to say goodbye again) they said goodbye and left. It'll probably be the last time she sees them until after court, that's if Keri doesn't go off her nut.

Considering the cabin fever Keri's been very good at trying to keep her stress levels down. There are some patients that aren't helpful at all when it comes to that but she hasn't tried scaling the fence. She's desperate to go home for a bit, I just hope she holds out enough to be able to get back to the hospital again. I'd hate to see her suddenly panic or get agitated and having to be brought back to the unit by the police rather than her foster carers. That's the problem at the moment, Keri's on constant red alert which means panic mode can kick in pretty quick, which means she doesn't think about what she's doing, and she's been saying really random things again this evening; not very often but it's kinda weird. I just wish her the best for tomorrow, or today, it's her birthday now! So happy hallowe'en  and happy birthday Keri! Love all of us! :)

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 82

Written by Fox.

DAY 82 - 28th October, Monday

Keri spent most of her time in bed and got up at midday. She didn't do much besides having a quick go at her puzzle and writing complete gibberish down in her notepad. Nothing really happened up until about 6.30pm when Keri asked to go out on unescorted leave. Keri had figured out she'd have a better chance killing herself if she was at the bridge late at night rather than in the middle of the day with a load of people around. What did the staff do? They let her out!

She got to the bridge to find there was a police car up there so she ran up to the observatory and stayed up there for a while smoking and watching the traffic on the bridge. After about half an hour she risked it and saw that the police car had gone. Without a single moment of hesitation (normally she'll be smoking a cigarette on her way to the middle of the bridge) she briskly walked, almost to the point of jogging, to the middle of the bridge. With one glance up and down the bridge to make sure there were no guards or other people she climbed the barrier to get over. Half way over and she was suddenly rugby tackled onto the floor by one of the security guards who was seriously out of breath. They must have caught Keri on the security cameras and done a runner to her when they saw she was climbing the fence.

The other guard called 999 while the one who rugby tackled her kept her held down while she was trying to fight. Her desperation was overwhelming. An off duty police officer turned up while they were waiting for back up and he came over to help.

"Poor girl's desperate to get over that," the guard said, nodding at the fence.

"Was it a serious attempt?" the police guy asked.

"Oh yes, I only just got to her," the guard said.

They tried calming Keri down with comforting words but all she could shout about was the fact she'd been stopped from getting off the bridge twice in less than a week, although this time being more serious. For some reason ten police officers ended up up there! How that happened I have no idea. Six of them disappeared as Keri had her arms handcuffed behind her back. They got her in the car with the police officer sat with her holding onto the cuffs.

When they got back to the hospital Keri kept fighting and saw that there was another police car parked outside. It was a struggle to get her back in but they managed it and took off the handcuffs. The police seemed a bit dodgy about leaving Keri but then something must've come on over their radio as they had to shoot out like a bullet. Keri was fucking mental at this point. Vex went to get her some medication to space her out and when he came back she was terrified.

"Here's some medication, you have to take it," Vex said, sitting next to Keri.

"I can't," Keri said. "I have to check the tickets."

"What tickets?" Vex said.

"The tickets," she said. "There are things here without permission."

"Where are they?"

"Everywhere."

"Well, take this medication and then you can go and check your tickets."

Vex put the medication in her mouth himself and helped her swallow some water. She was in a bad way until those pills started to kick in, and no one had a clue what she was talking about. Now she's like a little space monkey, floating around like a zombie ghost.

Her brother is supposed to visit tomorrow. I wonder whether Keri will even be able to get out of bed with all the medication, especially as she's due more in ten minutes. She had a nice chat with her foster mum though (she knew something had happened as the police turned up at her door asking whether they'd seen Keri). So that's a bonus. Keri always loves chatting to her foster mum, gives her a little glow. Her iPhone is due to arrive on her birthday as well which would be good, but I don't know how well these next three days are going to be. Keri definitely won't be allowed out alone. Even the police were shocked that Keri had managed to disappear from the hospital, whilst sectioned, twice in less than a week. Every time she's been going to that bridge she's been getting closer and closer to killing herself because she's thinking it out well. I just worry that if there's a next time then it'll be her last.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 70 (10 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 70 (10 weeks) - 16th October, Wednesday

A non productive day with Keri spending most of it keeping herself down in the HDU and smoking in the HDU garden so she didn't have to talk to anyone. You can tell she's going downhill, the staff have noticed. She's keeping her eyes on the floor, her hood up and not making eye contact with anyone. She's become even more paranoid than usual.

She did manage to do her physio, although she was close to fainting afterwards. Keri had another binge and vomit session this evening so that's making her even weaker. She's better off starving herself than getting into her binge/vomit cycle. She went to get the food while she was out on escorted leave. She has unescorted leave but because she was so paranoid she ended up going with the staff.

Keri's psychiatrist saw her this morning to discuss again about sharing Keri's medical notes and for her to be able to talk to the police about what state Keri's mental health is currently in. Keri said it was fine. She thought it would be better having things out in the open instead of someone complaining that she was hiding something. Her psychiatrist ambushed her yet again later in the evening and said she'd decided that it would be a good idea to put up her dose of antipsychotics. Again. And also to change to 'normal' tablets instead of modified release. On the bright side it means Keri is going to be a walking zombie for the next few days. So that's just a warning in case I can't get the blog posts done! 

Odd, I can't watch this anymore. Just gone midnight and Keri went outside to smoke. She was stood there talking to the guys that she thinks are following her. They had a four year old girl with her who was calling Keri "Mummy" and the guys were saying that if Keri didn't do as they said then the girl was going to get hurt. She got so upset over that! She spent half an hour crying in her room before then getting her sleeping tablets. Now she's refusing to even say a word to anyone. She can't seem to even understand what people are saying to her let alone give a proper reply. I don't want to say this but I don't think Keri's going to have the mental capacity to be a witness at her court case. :(

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 51

Written by Fox.

DAY 51 - 27th September, Friday

Would it surprise you if I was to say Keri hibernated again today? I bet it doesn't. These sleeping tablets are pathetic! She was woken up by the physiotherapist knocking on her door. Keri rapidly dumped some clothes on and let her in, along with the student physio that was with her. Keri said she didn't want to go down to the gym today so they're starting their physio back up again on Monday, hopefully. We need to get Keri's joints sorted or they're going to get worse in later life (that's if she has a later life after the disaster that happened today!)

Keri had her psychotherapy session today. I was asleep at the time but Keri's psychotherapist was going to take her down to another ward where they were doing a wildlife thing and they'd brought in two owls! Clarissa spent ages trying to wake me up as she knows I love that kind of thing. Keri got around to seeing one owl before I ended coming out and seeing both of them. That annoyed Keri! She even said to her psychotherapist that it was unfair I got to see the barn owl before she did. They were beautiful! Overall the session went well. I only came out to see the owls and then went back in again so Keri could finish her session.

At around 4.30, less than an hour after finishing with her psychotherapist, she asked the staff if she could go to the supermarket and get more cigarettes. Turns out she'd been granted unescorted leave for half an hour! Apparently it would look good on her tribunal paperwork if she managed it well. Keri decided that she'd buy the cigarettes and then go back to the ward. Her mood was stable and a little perky, which is always a danger sign as it means she's a lot more impulsive. Yes, she got her cigarettes, but as she was coming back the bus she'd need to get on to get to Clifton was just sat there. No one was getting on or coming off. Suddenly she just ran to the bus, bought a ticket and settled herself in a seat, not believing her luck. After she'd got on the bus left the stop. Keri thought it was fate calling her...

It took a while for Keri to get to the suspension bridge but when she did she went up there and had a cigarette. There was a group of tourists taking photos of each other on both sides of the bridge, right in the middle of where Keri wanted to jump (the longest drop). So she had to hang around for a few minutes. Unfortunately for her one of the security guards recognised her and clocked on. It took a very short time for two police cars to turn up. The officers had to keep a tight hold on her because she was desperate not to be back at the hospital. Because she was kicking up a storm, they called in for back up (bearing in mind there were already four officers there) so that they could get a van to take her back to the hospital, it was the only place they could legally take her. While they waited, two of them kept hold of her while one of them chatted.

"So what made you want to come up here and want to kill yourself?" he said.

"I've got nothing left to lose," Keri said, tears in her eyes. "I've been sectioned in that place for over 7 fucking weeks. I can't take it any more."

"Well, we've got a missing person report about you that's been called in so there are people that care."

"They don't care. It's their job. If they hadn't phoned you and I'd managed to get over the side of that bridge then they'd be the ones held responsible."

Keri was in a deep depression and the last thing she wanted was to be back in hospital. To her there were only two options, fight tooth and nail so they couldn't take her to the hospital and hopefully get off the bridge or go back to hospital with no issue. With Sally helping Keri with both strength and anger, she fought tooth and nail.

When the van eventually arrived they all agreed they would have to put her in the cage. In the circumstances they were quite sympathetic towards her but still ended up having to put handcuffs on her because of her own safety. Even with handcuffs on it took 5 police officers to restrain her, carry her to the cage, and keep her in there. One of the officers decided he should stay with Keri as she started violently banging her head against the cage door. It seemed like a very long journey. The officer tried to make small talk whenever she looked like she was getting agitated again so he was quite perceptive.

When they finally made it to the ward, one of the officers went to talk to the staff and then he came back out so that he could let Keri and the other officer out of the cage. He opened up the door and said, "There we go, there's a bit of air. Bit muggy in there isn't it?"

Keri tried her hardest to run away but the officers wouldn't let her. Instead they forced her to sit down on the step outside the open doors of the cage. It was Cat who ended up coming out to greet Keri and the officers.

"Oh, Keri," Cat said, crouching down beside her. "Let's get you back into the unit and we can have a chat."

"No, I'm not going back in there!" Keri cried, starting to kick off again. "You won't let me back out!" Cat took one arm, an officer took the other while the other one walked behind them.

"Would you mind holding her other arm while I just unlock these doors?" Cat asked the other officer.

They swapped roles and Keri was still fighting, even with handcuffs on. Someone else opened the door for them anyway so the officers pulled Keri down with Cat through the corridor as she was so stressed out her adrenalin was saying fight fight! And so was Sally. At first Keri thought they were just putting her in her room but they walked straight past it. Then that beep, the beep of a locked door being opened, the little beep of the locked seclusion unit.

The officers managed to get Keri sat down on a chair. There were 3 members of staff there with them; Cat, Andrex and Nick.

"Is this area secure?" asked one of the officers.

"Yes, she can't get out at all," Cat said.

"Right," he said, getting something out of his belt and crouching by Keri. "Let's get these handcuffs off you now, eh?"

Thank god the handcuffs were off. They were causing Keri a great deal of pain because of the amount of struggling she was doing. The police officers saw themselves out while Cat sat next to Keri. Keri was rocking, twitching and hyperventilating. 

"They're going to bring you some medication to calm you down, okay Keri?" Cat said.

Andrex then said, "New admission, we're going to have to move Keri."

"Oh God," Cat said, taking hold of Keri's arm, with Nick taking the other. "Come on, Keri, let's take you to your room."

They managed to get her to her room but Keri was still refusing any medication. She was half Sally half Keri and it wasn't good. Sally was most domineering. The staff let go of Keri's arms when they sat her between them on her bed. After a few minutes of them trying to persuade her to take some sedatives, Keri lost her temper.

"No, no, no," she shouted, tearing off her headphones and her bag. "I don't want your pills. I want to leave!" Then she suddenly shot out of her room and out into the garden to get over the fence.

"Keri, we're not letting you leave the hospital now come on," Cat said as herself and Nick dragged her back to her room, setting off the alarm. This time they sat Keri on the bed but didn't stop restraining her.

"Keri you can't stay like this," Cat said. "You've got no choice. We're going to have to give you your medication whether you want it or not. Either you take it orally or we're going to have to give you an intramuscular injection."

"I don't want your poison running through me!" Keri said, still trying to get out of their grip. The staff that had come running after the alarm had gone off replaced Cat as she went to go and prepare the injection. A doctor also came to talk to her to see what she could do. 

"I've never seen you so anxious, Keri," she said. "What's brought all this on?"

"I don't.. I don't.. I don't know," Keri replied. "I need.. to.. to.. leave."

She was still hyperventilating and the doctor was growing increasingly concerned about how long Keri's heart rate had been so high. She left and was later joined by Cat and Andrex. Caramel and Nick were still holding her arms. By this point Keri was tunnelling further and further away from her conscious. She was fully tensed up, fists clenched, staring unblinking at the floor while the staff held her. Now, if Keri's foster parents had been in this situation then they'd have known straight away that it was a "Look out, Sally!" moment.

After about another few minutes of Keri being completely unresponsive to anyone talking to her (she'd reached a full dissociative state that she has between switches) Sally burst out like an explosion and the staff weren't ready for it. Cat was crouched right in front of Keri and Sally went straight for her and shouted, "Back the fuck off!" Immediately this had turned into a completely different situation and it wasn't only Keri that was in danger but also the staff. The alarm was set off again. As soon as Sally had went for Cat the three members of staff grabbed hold of her while another one pulled out Keri's bed from against the wall so that they could restrain Sally face down on the bed so that Cat could administer the injection. Keri suddenly came back and found herself being held down very tightly by staff and feeling a prick at the top of her arse.

"What the hell are you doing to me?" Keri said.

They kept Keri restrained face down for a good ten minutes until she stopped fighting against them. She felt totally drained. Eventually she was allowed to sit up and was kept on one to one obs for half an hour to make sure things didn't kick off again. No one could tell her what was in the injection but the general consensus seems to be that it was a high dose of Lorazepam. This was at 8.30pm. She's now back on 10 minute obs, unsurprisingly!

Keri was definitely calmer for the rest of this evening. Calmer? More like a walking zombie. That's because at 8.30pm she was injected with Lorazepam, then at 10.30 she was given Quetiapine, Mirtazapine, Diazepam and Promethazine, then at 1am she was given Zopiclone and more Lorazepam! Why the hell is she still conscious? It's gone 3.30am! I do think she's close to collapsing though so I'm not going to talk anymore! I'm going to see if she settles into bed. There's no way she'll be up tomorrow morning! If she is then she's dissociated into someone else!

Love you guys! Tough day but it feels good to vent to people who can understand to some extent. Our DID page and blog is for those in recovery, just being diagnosed, or are living a good life managing their condition. It's also for their loved ones, friends, and for anyone with comorbid conditions likes schizophrenia, depression, borderline personality disorder... But without the support from you guys I don't think I'd have enough motivation to try and help Keri. I thank you all for that! 

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 14

Written by Fox.

DAY 14 - 21st August, Wednesday

Due to the lack of updates I'm sure you're all aware it really wasn't a good day. Everything was suspiciously calm the day before. 

Keri was going to go down to the gym. She's still not allowed unescorted leave however one of the nurses made a big mistake, thinking she was allowed unescorted leave on the grounds. He signed her out and she said she'd be back by 12 as that was when the gym session ends, starts at 10am. Later in the evening we found out that this member of staff had been told off very badly for letting Keri out as she's a sectioned patient with no permission for unescorted leave.

She'd barely got through the door to the other unit before she had a blackout. Sally decided to jump at the opportunity to get out of the hospital and an hour later Keri found herself in the middle of a field. In her bag was a new packet of cigarettes, new razor blades and a bus ticket.

It was only about 11.15am so she still had time to get back to the ward by 12pm, but did she? Obviously not! If Sally hadn't taken the chance to escape then Keri would've done it herself anyway. The first thing she did was sit down, take out a blade and start trying to get the bug out of her head. She was doing this for ages before giving up and bursting into tears as she could still feel it clawing at her skull. Unfortunately she was very close to some train tracks so, after unsuccessfully trying to remove this bug, she climbed the fence and got onto the train line.

The voices she was hearing were overpowering her and she kept clawing at her head to get everything out, which didn't work. Trains drove past as she aimlessly wandered across them and reports were being sent in to the network rail workers that a young blonde was on the tracks. She was very lucky at one point not to get hit.

By this point it was about 3pm and a network rail worker found her on the tracks sitting a few feet away from the rails. Keri was too involved in her psychosis to even respond to what the woman was trying to say and refused to move from the tracks. The woman stayed on the tracks with her to slow down any oncoming trains and also phoned for a paramedic (Keri had blood all over her hands and her head) and the British Transport Police. 

The paramedic arrived on his motorbike and managed to persuade Keri to go with him to get off the tracks after spending a bit of time trying to build a bit of trust. She followed him across the train line and down some steps before sitting at the bottom of them while the paramedic got his medical kit out. The police had arrived and were lingering around and Keri started to panic.

"Keri, listen," said the paramedic. "You're not in any trouble okay? The police are just here to make sure you're kept safe."

While the paramedic was cleaning Keri's head, the police went through her bag. Her passport gave them all the necessary information and also her DID Crisis Card. They were all very understanding. By this point Keri had been crying and told them she didn't want to go back to the psychiatric hospital as she'd been sectioned there for 2 weeks. Even though she's on a full section the police still put her on a section 136 so that they had the legal power to keep her safe until getting her back to the ward as her head injury needed to be treated in a medical hospital first so it could be closed.

Two more paramedics arrived in their van and they took her the nearest hospital to have her head all sorted out. She was rushed straight through because of her agitation and the police escorts. There were a lot of phone calls being made to the psych hospital to clarify that Keri was on a full section and needed to be taken straight back to the ward.

As soon as Keri got near the van to leave after being treated she panicked again. She didn't want to go back to the hospital and started trying to resist the police officers.

"I can't go back there! I don't need to be there!" she shouted.

"Keri, you need to come with us," one of the officers said while keeping hold of Keri so she couldn't try running off again. "I don't want to take you back by force. I want to be able to get you in the backseat. I don't want you handcuffed or put in the cage. You can trust me. I'm not going to let anybody hurt you, okay? Hospital is the only place you can go right now, we have to take you there. Come on, slow your breathing down. Relax for me. That's better. Do you think you can come and get in the van now? I'll be sat next to you all the way so there's nothing to be afraid of."

Keri eventually got into the back of the van after being persuaded. She didn't have a choice. It was either hospital by force or hospital without handcuffs. By the time she'd got back to the ward it was gone 5pm. She'd been missing from the ward for over 7 hours. The police chatted to Keri's key nurse before they left and she went out into the garden afterwards where Keri was smoking and had a good chat with her. She wasn't being belittling or telling her off for what had happened, all she wanted to do was to help Keri. Her key nurse has a very good heart. She gave Keri some Lorazepam with her Diazepam for her 6pm medication to see if it would calm Keri down a bit. It didn't.

One of the highlights of the evening was that at about 8.15pm a nurse came into Keri's room and said, "Your foster mum is going to be here to visit you soon." Keri was gobsmacked! So soon after they're holiday? She didn't think she'd be seeing them until at least Friday. 

Her foster mum gave her a handmade bracelet with Keri's name on it. It's lovely! Clarissa likes the pink bag it came in! Keri's foster mum and Keri chatted a lot about the holiday and about what had been happening on the ward. It turns out the police had actually turned up at Keri's foster parents' house and had to search it from top to bottom to make sure she wasn't hiding anywhere! The fact that her foster mum visited really pleased Keri. She was feeling quite depressed and is desperate to get back home with her family. She was really eager to listen to her foster mum while she was talking about what they did while on holiday.

Unfortunately Clarissa has also found the time to have fun. She's a very good impersonator of Keri and has managed to acquire some weed from another patient. Keri realised this when she found money missing from her purse and weed in her room! Keri isn't really a drugs kind of person but she's currently not in the state of mind to realise that. Keri, herself and partly Clarissa, decided to have a joint before bed in the evening combined with her cocktail of night medication. She's trying to self-medicate so she doesn't feel so horrible. At first she got even more paranoid but she did feel physically more relaxed. She slept through the whole night! That's a first. Maybe that's the silver lining for what Clarissa did!

Experiences of Being Detained by Police

Being sectioned by the police is never a pleasant experience for anyone, especially those who have a trauma based disorder or have DID. Restraint that is usually used against burglars, rapists and criminals can also be used for mental health patients that the police need to detain for the person's safety or for other people's safety. It can be a harsh and unpleasant experience.

It can be hard for someone with DID to be restrained, especially if the officers have no idea what the disorder is. In my experience the officers have been quite reassuring if I've been 'me'. However, if my aggressive and homicidal alter is out, the police have no choice but to restrain her, often having to use several officers. The mental health professionals seem to be of the opinion that "someone has to do the dirty work". 

A section 136 of the Mental Health Act allows a police officer to detain someone who is an immediate danger to themselves and take them to a place of safety, such as a police cell or a psychiatric hospital - the latter being the preferred option. This can be for up to 72 hours. The police are responsible for the person until their care is turned over to the mental health professionals. The problem with police is they were originally designed to help against crime and aren't fully trained in mental health, especially DID. They don't know how to deal with it. Unfortunately I've been arrested many times for trespassing (railway lines), endangering others (e.g. if I jumped in front of a train and it had to stop suddenly) and on my most recent 136, I was also arrested for breach of the peace. Luckily, none of these ever went to court or had charges placed on me because at the time I was on a 136 and viewed as not having full mental capacity.

Below are some of the experiences from people that have had to be detained by the police.

My Latest Experience

Please note: some of my 136's haven't been too full on, depending on circumstances, and officers have been sympathetic. But there is a nasty side to things which I do think needs to be addressed. This post isn't to "slag off police officers" or say they're terrible at their jobs, so please don't take it that way. 

My most recent 136 experience was 13th July 2013. On 8th July, I knew I was going to dissociate into Clarissa (a promiscuous binge-eater). She gets very excited when she's going to come out so I had warning. This was in the evening. That was the last thing I remember. According to my carers I then switched again to Fox (Clarissa's mute twin brother). He remained out for 5 days. Then yesterday I switched again to Sally (my aggressive, violent alter). Sally took me to the Clifton Suspension Bridge to jump off of it but the security guards had been warned and the police were already on their way. I've been told that they tried calling her Keri which made her go absolutely apeshit. She refused to go with the officers when they arrived so they had to forcibly put her in the back of the van as one lane of traffic had had to be blocked off so they couldn't talk for long. Of course, she wasn't having any of that and jumped from the back seat across to the front seat and opened the police van door from the front. 

This is where I have 10 seconds of full memory when I switched to me for a very short time. Obviously, the police didn't know I was Keri and Sally had already got half way out the door, almost knocking over 2 cyclists. I was grabbed by one of the officers who proceeded to put his arm around my neck and carry me to the cage in the van. By this point both lanes of traffic were now blocked off. The first thing I remember the officer saying was "Right, no more fucking around. You had the easy way or the hard way so now we're doing this the hard way". Obviously, I had no memory of the last 6 days and to suddenly find myself being manhandled by police scared me shitless, so instinctively I tried my hardest to get out of his grip. The problem was, the more I tried scratching and kicking, the harder he held onto me. Having someone carry me with an arm around my neck and literally bundling me in the cage through a series of headlocks and two males using a lot of force is not something a trauma survivor should have to deal with. I switched back into Sally as soon as the sound of the cage door was slammed shut. Apparently she was violent, aggressive, uncooperative and very angry. At first the officers took her to the police station to be secured and searched while phone calls were made so they could transfer Sally to the 136 Suite at the nearest adult psychiatric hospital, the same hospital I've been admitted to as a patient twice.

I was me again after a period of time in the 136 Suite. I had no idea how I'd gotten there and knew it must've been Sally because of the flashback of being manhandled into the cage of a police van. The first thing I did was phone my carer, which is when I found out I'd been dissociated for 5 days. Luckily the assessment was arranged quite quickly and one of the people on the assessment panel was someone who I'd had a lot of contact with and was good at trying to understand Dissociative Identity Disorder. Without her there, I'm not sure I would've been discharged. The day after I was full of aches and pains from the force and amount of restraint used, especially when they get your arms behind your back and start bending your wrist to make you compliant (pointless to do to Sally as she's unaffected by pain). The ten seconds I remember have almost retraumatised me. I have NEVER been restrained in that way. This was all because of officers that had no concept of what DID was. Most other times officers are fully clued up and all information about my disorder is shared to all the officers involved. Unfortunately for me, these two officers didn't get that message and treated Sally like a violent and aggressive criminal instead of a mental health patient that needed help, not over-the-top and painful restraint.

Felt Like an Attention Seeker - Caroline H

I hated being detained. I couldn't deal with it so I disappeared and self injured. I was found by someone walking by who called an ambulance. I just wanted to be dead. My alters were being so mean. I refused to get in the ambulance and ended up hysterical. They called the police and they restrained me until I calmed down. They took me to a medical hospital under a 136 and they couldn't get an assessment for 10 hours. An officer had to sit there with me all that time. I felt like all eyes were on me and couldn't help but feel like the officer felt like he was babysitting me and wasting his time. I dissociated while in my cubicle into Samantha. She made advances on the police officer and I found myself restrained, not knowing why. The staff didn't seem to understand that I had no control of my switching and the officer almost pressed charges for sexual harassment. I got help though. I was sectioned and got a really good therapist who deals with DID all the time. I'm a lot better now and that is partly because of getting 136ed. 

Very Helpful - Suzanna H

I've heard a lot about people who have bad experiences and I'm sorry to those that do. For me, they've only been beneficial. I think it really does depend on the police officers. Some are open minded about mental illness whereas others don't have a clue. But isn't that what it's like in normal society? Yes, I was restrained, but it was done in a non-harmful way and looking back at the incident I know it had to be done. I'd like to add that there are a lot of people who have good experiences of being on a 136. Some have even managed to get extra help because of police involvement. I realise police can be a little over the top at times but sometimes it has to be done. Some people with mental illness can be very unpredictable, especially someone with uncontrolled DID. Police officers not only have to keep the person they've detained safe but also have to keep themselves safe too. 

I found that being 136ed actually got me extra help. Yes, I've had bad experiences, who hasn't? But mostly the officers that have to deal with me are understanding and sympathetic. Those that don't understand mental illness and go full on with restraint and control I think need to do some training! If anything I do pity them a little as they're dealing with a situation they aren't familiar with.

Totally Ignored - Anon.

I got 136ed after I suffered a psychotic episode. The police knew I had DID. They were called when I sat in a library. It was closing time and I was refusing to leave. I switched to a toddler alter and just cried. The staff working in the library tried to comfort my alter but it didn't work. He went with the police very peacefully when they got there but all of a sudden I switched again and an angry alter came out. He started attacking the officers and I was taken to a police station and dragged into a cell. I was left there for hours before an assessment could be arranged. I wasn't even allowed a blanket as they thought I'd try and suffocate myself with it. I was cold, hungry and scared. I was ignored until the point when two detention officers came to take me to a room where the assessment panel was. None of them knew about DID and just thought I'd been attention seeking. I was discharged and kept getting 136ed every other day for a week or so before my mental health team finally got back from their holidays. It was a horrible experience and it won't be one that'll be forgotten.

Twitter Comments

"I understand restraint if it is needed but I think it's used more often than it should be. What happened to just trying to talk to someone?" - Mel Y.

"I think the police do a good job in my area if you get put on a 136. I think they deal more with mental illness than they do actual crime!" - Sandy L.

"Screw the police. I hate them and think they suck. They've never helped me. They just don't give a shit!" - Anon.

"There's too much of a burden on police. I think mental health professionals leave the bad bit for the police to do. It's not fair on them." - Anon.

"Traumatising, distressing, degrading!" - Kirsty O.

"I think the police go in to heavy handed on s136 patients they are not criminals they are ill !!" - Lady T

Reply from Insp Michael B: "That's a big generalisation about 25,000 interventions a year ... I hear many stories that say otherwise?"

And also a quick thank you for those who retweeted and replied (at the time of this post being published): Julie W, Kirsty O, Wokstation, Insp Michael B and NYPOLFED.

So that's that, such a variation. Sometimes it's helpful, other times it can be traumatising. That's why we need to raise awareness so that people like us aren't viewed as attention-seeking or some other kind of negative label. 

People with DID (or any other mental illness for that matter) need help, not stigma or being treated like a criminal. If you're a police officer or mental health professional and you're reading this, try to understand. We don't mean to cause 'trouble' and we aren't attention seeking. In times of crisis all we need is someone to listen, help and understand.