Sectioned in Hospital - DAY 173 & 174

Written by Fox.

DAY 173 & 174 - 27th & 28th January, Monday & Tuesday 

Like I said at the end of my last post, Sally had started threatening Keri and told her she couldn't have any appointments and wasn't allowed to take any of her medication, so yesterday that's exactly what happened. Keri missed her psychotherapy session with Fiona and also didn't take any of her medication. Even after only missing two doses you could see the anxiety difference. Keri kept rapidly pacing round and round the garden. The staff kept a close eye on her as she'd explained why she wasn't taking any medication and didn't have her appointment with Fiona. They tried to keep her distracted with games, movies etc but nothing seemed to be helping.

Eventually, by about 8pm, her key nurse, Emma, persuaded Keri to take some of her medication, especially the Diazepam. She promised that if Keri dissociated and Sally was to come out then she'd make sure she was kept safe and on the ward and that the staff would deal with it if that scenario were to happen. Emma even said it might be good that Sally comes out as they might be able to talk to her. Obviously, the staff working at the time hadn't met her before...

After taking her morning doses of medication she'd missed we all immediately felt Sally's anger about it. I'll use the phrase Keri uses which is she knew "shit was about to go down". Emma invited her to the staff office to sit with the staff as it was obvious Keri's anxiety had gotten worse after taking the tablets. With the staff unable to distract Keri they hoped that being sat in the office with all the staff would be helpful. It was almost like she was on 4 to 1 observation!

After maybe 20 minutes Sally completely exploded and kicked off while still in the staff office. She walked straight out the door and went for the front entrance. Andy tried to stop her from leaving but Sally shouted and swore at him. Her aggressive demeanor and anger made him back off for a second. I think he was surprised at how different her and Keri were. Their alarms were all set off but that split second Sally managed to grab was enough to be able to open the first door out into the ward entrance. From there all she had to do was press a switch on the wall, open the last door and that was it. Emma realised it was Sally and tried calling her but Sally just turned her head around, screamed "Fuck off!" and then sprinted off; described by a member of staff as a 'bolt of lightning'. She was way too fast for any of the staff to be able to catch her, even though two of the males legged it after her and tried, so instead some staff got into the ward car and drove around for a bit trying to find her. Sally's not stupid, she went off road. She managed to find a bus to take her up near the suspension bridge. This wasn't planned as Sally hadn't expected to have to come out as Keri had been doing as she was told. She let Keri out up by the observatory again.

When Keri found herself standing in the dark, with a cigarette in her hand, completely dead on her feet and exhausted, the only thing that got her walking was knowing the suspension bridge was there. Her muscles were completely seized up and fatigued and part of her knew there was no chance of getting over the fence but she wasn't going to miss the opportunity. She forced herself on to the bridge, but as she reached the middle and tried getting over the fence she couldn't even pull herself up enough to get her feet off the ground. 

Security arrived and one of them held her arm, immediately noticing how unsteady and wobbly she was.

"Have you taken anything you shouldn't have tonight or had any alcohol?" he said. 

Keri shook her head. Even though she said she hadn't, he knew about her DID and suspected an overdose of some kind as he knew about Keri's amnesiac episodes and realised she didn't remember anything until she was up by the observatory. Keri had no fight left in her and started walking with the guard without a struggle. Suddenly her head was swimming and she felt like she was underwater. The next thing she knew she was being lifted from the floor by the two guards. She'd passed out and collapsed. The guards both helped her to their toll booth to get her sat down and got an ambulance and police unit en route to the bridge.

Keri was taken to the BRI in the back of an ambulance with a police escort. She had her bloods taken and was warmed up in a cubicle. Sally came out a couple of times while they were waiting for the blood results to come back. The problem was the officers didn't realise about the personality switches so thought Keri was just deliberately playing up. They had to wait for a couple of hours for her blood work to come back which thankfully showed she hadn't overdosed. They're conclusion about Keri collapsing was that she hadn't eaten for days and through sheer exhaustion her body just gave out. She was told to make sure her fluids and food intake needed to change or it would happen again, except next time she might end up not waking up so quickly.

One of the officers ended up saying some quite hurtful things to Keri which ended up making her cry in the back of the police car. His response was, "Oh, that's right. Bring on the tears." What?! How could he say that after all Keri had been through that night!? He was unbelievable. Her silent crying continued as Keri got to the unit and police even grabbed her arm tightly even though she was walking straight for the door. Staff tried getting her to sit in the lounge on one to one but Keri was too upset. She ended up going to her room. At this point it was no longer silent crying, it was verging on hysterical. It went on for over half an hour with Bernie sat on her chair beside her. I don't think he quite knew what to do. Some of the things he said were meant to be helpful and Keri listened to him but she was crying so much she found it hard to concentrate.

Justin turned up at Keri's door and kneeled down by Keri. He'd brought up her medication. Oh my god! One of them was for her GERD, the other five were psych meds; her Quetiapine, Mirtazapine, Diazepam, Lorazepam and Promethazine. You couldn't even see the bottom of the little paper pot. Keri managed to take them without another Sally fiasco. It was now gone 4am and all Keri wanted to do was lie down but her brain was flying around too much. 

After crying to the point of wanting to collapse again, she smoked, got changed into something dry and warm, and spoke to Bernie. He said that she was going to be on 15 minute obs until she fell asleep, as she'd calmed down a little as the medication had started kicking in, and then from there they'd go back to hourly. She agreed as she needed some space. She put on Taken and ended up falling asleep while lying on her bed. Bernie was kind enough to turn off her TV and fairy lights when he saw that Keri was completely knocked out, mainly down to the amount of medication she'd had.

The staff were kind enough to also leave Keri alone to sleep today besides giving her her medication. She didn't fall asleep until nearly 6am and got up around 2.30pm which is pretty good. She woke up to find out that all her leave had yet again been taken away (which involved writing a shopping list to give to staff to get her binge food for a binge and vomit session). She's also been put back on one to one observation. Keri's mum and a member of staff have said there's no point in Keri being on one to one as Sally still managed to get out while sitting with several members of staff in their office and them setting off the alarms. Although, when Keri spent two weeks on one to one, Sally didn't come out and have a rage so I don't know.

Keri has actually been talking today but she hasn't really wanted to be around people. She had an unexpected visit from her CPN. She's leaving in two weeks. Thanks for the warning Sue! She's yet another person who brought up the subject of Keri being admitted into a secure ward. It's all going to be discussed in her CPA on Friday. Sue will be there anyway, and so will Fiona. Both of which have now spoken about maybe moving Keri would be helpful until Sally's under control.

Who spends over an hour on the phone? Keri and her foster mum is the answer! It really perked Keri up. She was happy to hear the reason her foster mum hadn't been able to visit was that she'd been completely manic for ages. Part of Keri had started wondering whether something had happened or she'd done something wrong. After that conversation, she realised this wasn't true so she no longer had these critical or paranoid thoughts about it all. Hopefully Keri's foster mum can visit tomorrow but if not she'll text Keri to let her know. At least Keri's not one to take things personally when it comes to her foster parents. Everyone else? Well, she'd hold a grudge forever!

Keri's actually been trying to stay calm this evening. She's lying in bed watching The Hobbit. She wants to talk to the staff about how she's feeling but is way too exhausted to have an indepth conversation at this time of night. It's gone 3am! I'm going to get her ready for bed myself otherwise she's never going to do it!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 150 & 151

Written by Fox.

DAY 150 & 151 - 4th & 5th January, Saturday & Sunday

Keri got up around midday on Saturday. She'd had a really bad night and had needed extra medication. It was very noticeable to the staff and it wasn't something she was able to keep hidden. We were all shouting, she had a headache and all of us had given up. I'd made a post on Friday which she read like I asked. At the bottom I'd written "we're gone tomorrow". That was the truth. All of us had given up. So we didn't exist? Well, then let's make it that way.

She got up and hurriedly did her washing, knowing that when she asked for an hour of leave (she now has two separate hours of leave a day) that Sally would help her do something and that we'd succeed because even if the police were called before we'd killed ourselves, they'd be all preoccupied waiting and circling around near the suspension bridge.

Keri told staff she was going to the supermarket. She didn't even get near the inside before Sally came out, got her on a bus and the next thing Keri knows is she's standing next to a tall fence next to a railway line and the sun has gone down. Looking through her bag she managed to find the small torch she usually keeps in her bag, just in case. It's just a cheap one from tesco but it definitely is bright! She couldn't get over the fence and onto the railway line so ended up walking through woods and deserted areas for hours, consistently getting her feet stuck in mud or getting freaked out that her hallucinations were following her. She was absolutely freezing and on the verge of collapse

Finally, she managed to find a remote bridge that overlooked the railway. There were houses nearby but the path to the bridge was pitch black, and so was the bridge itself. Keri knew that no one would be walking around in the dark like that at that time of night. Even though she was stiff from the cold and felt like fainting, as soon as she looked over the railings she shone her torch down into the darkness. It was a mainline railway. The cold disappeared and she felt so calm and relaxed. Just as she was looking down, one train passed on the right hand side track so, after quickly looking to make sure no one was around, she climbed onto the wall and over the railing, perching on the edge of the bridge just over the track that the train had just crossed. She knew that her best bet would be jumping in front of a train from a bridge as the driver wouldn't see her until it was too late. 

After about fifteen minutes she was to the point where she was almost dangling off the side of the bridge and suddenly heard that familiar noise of the police helicopter. She prayed that hopefully because she was so cold, the thermal cameras wouldn't pick up on her. Unfortunately they found her and started circling to direct ground units to her. There were three officers that were quickly behind Keri. She didn't even realise they were there.

"Back up and give some space for a minute," said one male officer as they waited for more units. It was clear from Keri's posture that she was ready to jump as soon as she had the chance. It wasn't going to be long before a train turned up on her side of the track. The police knew this and I heard the same officer ask someone to make sure the trains were stopped. Keri heard nothing. She still was ignorant to her surrounding popularity, and tried ignoring the helicopter. The officer asking for the trains to be stopped had been too late, there was one on the way, Keri could see the lights and felt the vibrations on the bridge. Now, she thought. She glanced down at the dark tracks as the train got closer, thinking that it looked so peaceful. There was no panic, no distress. She just knew that she wouldn't have to feel anymore pain.

Before the train got too close, all of a sudden there were several officers grabbing Keri with every hand they could manage. Keri was startled and started struggling. I don't know whether you guys have ever watched the first series of Touch, but if she's touched by people without any warning or by people she doesn't know she starts struggling (which makes people hold onto her tighter), starts hyperventilating, and makes horribly distressing noises. She was shouting and crying and tried everything to get out of their grip. At one point they had to restrain her to the point of hurting her. It wasn't their fault though. Keri was still on the other side of the wall and railings. If they let her go she'd have tumbled down onto the tracks.

"Call in for more back-up!" an officer shouted down his radio. "She's still on the wrong side of the railings and we need help getting her back over. She's really struggling with us here." 

Keri didn't hear them say that either. She was suddenly blinded by the helicopter spotlight which attracted the attention of most of the houses lined up along the railway. With a bright light in her eyes, still alive and in an extremely panicked state, she totally zoned out. The officers somehow managed to get her over the railings and lift her from the wall and onto the floor. Again, they couldn't help but hurt her as they carried her over the top of the spiky railings as the struggling continued.

The officers managed to get her standing up and Keri was still unresponsive, making distressed noises, hyperventilating and staring at the floor as officers held onto her to put her in a police car.

"Hey Keri," one officer walking a few steps ahead said. "Do you remember me? I've met you before."

She didn't even hear his question. She was placed inside a police car without a struggle while a very kind officer sat in the back with her. Keri was rapidly rocking back and forth, still making distressed noises and hyperventilating. The officer put a hand on her back.

"Keri, it's okay," he said. "You're safe, you're with us now."

Keri remained unresponsive during the whole journey.

"Keeping an eye on her hands mate?" the driver said. 

"Yeah, there's no issue. She's not talking, or doing anything for that matter. Totally unresponsive."

They were bringing her back to Alder Unit.

"According to the inspector, we've just got to play good cop and then leave," the driver said. They were very kind to Keri. The inspector was absolutely fuming and was putting in another report and contacting Alder yet again. The police weren't angry at Keri, they were angry with the mental health system.

With Keri soon heavily doped up on medication and given a hot cup of tea, she was kept on one to one observation. Their main priority was to get Keri into some warm dry clothes before she started getting hypothermia, the second was to get her something to eat as she was so close to fainting. After that Keri was allowed to go to her room, still being checked regularly by staff. You would've thought that she'd have fallen asleep early but again it was another late night.

Not much to report on today. By the way, happy 18th birthday to Keri's younger brother Jamie! Keri's been in her room for most of it. One of the staff took her to the supermarket to get batteries as her unescorted leave has been banned. Staff have had the police on the phone for a while today talking about things as they're getting so angry. Let's see how tonight pans out. All of us are pretty annoyed that Keri was found. How do you instill hope into those that have none?

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 134, 135 & 136

Written by Fox.

DAY 134, 135 & 136 - 19th, 20th & 21st December, Thursday, Friday & Saturday

Keri didn't find her psychotherapy session very helpful on Friday. She'd been documenting everything hour by hour since Thursday evening as soon as she started getting a headache and knew Sally would eventually come out. A lot of people have suggested writing it all down when things happened to see if there was a pattern. Even though she spent 45 minutes talking to Fiona, she can't remember half the stuff they even talked about and has no idea on how to help with Sally. In fact, no one does.

Yesterday night Sally decided she was going to disappear again. She let Keri out by the time she got to the observatory. Maybe the buses were in her favour or she just ran most of the way there, but either way Sally got Keri up there pretty quickly. Keri looked over the railings at the bridge. There was no one walking on it and even the traffic was pretty quiet, only the occasional car was crossing. Even so, it would've been hard to see Keri in the dark and the rain while driving past anyway. So Keri legged it to the bottom of the observatory then casually walked along it again (she found that if she runs then it gets the security guards on edge straight away). Once in the middle, she looked up and down. No cars. No security. No pedestrians. She started climbing the fence, managing to get halfway over the first fence before being pulled down by one of the managers from the bridge who had happened to be passing in his car as Keri was climbing. He managed to stop and grab her just as the security reached her and was congratulated on how he was able to spot her even in the terrible weather. She was extremely non-compliant and kept kicking off. The guard holding onto her was called Shaun. He'd pulled her down the last time when Sally had tried getting over.

As Keri was kicking off so much, Shaun had to hold one arm around her neck and the other around her waist so he could half carry her to the toll booth house while the other security officer phoned the police to let them know they'd found Keri. Two police officers showed up but after seeing how distressed Keri was they called up for a van, so they had to wait for that to show up. Shaun was actually really good with her. He loosened his grip every now and again but couldn't let her go as Keri kept going for the doors to get back on the bridge. She never could struggle for long as she was in a partial choke hold which then meant she had no choice but to calm down. Her hyperventilating just got worse when two more officers arrived with their van. She panics with police officers as she's had bad experiences in the past, it's nothing personal to them.

"The unit often phone us up and we've already told them that this isn't a cry for help," Shaun was saying to the officers. "She's real serious about getting over the barrier and there's been some times where it's been way too close for comfort. That ward has no idea what they're doing."

One of the officers who'd been stood waiting kneeled down next to Keri and tried getting Keri to look her in the eye.

"Keri, because you're so distressed we want to keep you safe while we take you back to the hospital," she said. "I'm going to have to put some handcuffs on you. I won't do it now, I'm just warning you that that's what I'm going to have to do. Is that okay?"

"No!" Keri screamed. The same woman searched her while Shaun kept hold of her. I don't quite agree with how she was being restrained as one arm was around her neck. She was already hyperventilating. With the amount she was kicking off she was kept constantly restrained. When it was time to get her in the van the female officer took out her handcuffs and was restrained by her and Shaun while they put one cuff on.

"Keri, relax your arm," she said, "come on, I'm not going to hurt you."

Partly relaxing her arm, the officer managed to get Keri's other arm behind her back to put the cuffs on properly. Shaun made sure he was the one to help take Keri out to the van. The traffic had been held up for a good fifteen minutes as the van was blocking the way.

"I can't go back! You've got to let me go! Please!" Keri shouted, by this point she was crying.

With a lot of effort they managed to get her in the cage and get the door shut. Keri went absolutely mental in the thirty seconds she was left on her own. Kicking out at the door and bashing her head really hard against the side of the vehicle. In the end two officers had to get in the cage and keep hold of her. One of them grabbed a soft foam thing and put it between Keri's head and the side of the vehicle. The other kept hold of Keri's arm to keep some form of control when Keri was lashing out.

"The badger was in the sink," Keri said. "The fucking thing stole my spoons! Shut up, shut up!" What?  Yeah, that's what I thought. Make any sense to you? If it does then please explain!

The female officer was following behind in her car. It was quite claustrophobic with three people in the cage, although one of them was only half in there.

The four officers managed to get her back inside the hospital. One of them went into the office to talk to staff while the other three were directed into a small lounge to keep Keri in. When she got back from talking to staff she came in and sat down on one of the sofas.

"Do you want to take the cuffs off her yet?" one of the guys asked her.

"No," she said. "Not yet."

The staff had gone off to get Keri some medication which she took after finally getting the handcuffs off. She wanted a cigarette but the police were very wary. Staff arrived with more pills.

"Here's some more medication," they said. "Part number two."

They went to get Keri's cigarettes but the police weren't happy with letting Keri outside without two of them going out there with her and a member of staff. Once she'd finished she was taken into the staff office to sit with the two staff that were on. The two remaining officers said their goodbyes and left. You could tell they were getting annoyed with the staff. They found it ridiculous that there were only two members of staff for ten patients, especially when someone like Keri is taking up both members of staff.

It was definitely a restless night. Keri didn't go to sleep until gone 3am and woke up terrified thinking her dad was in her room at 7am. She'd also had flashes of road signs which she quickly scribbled in the notebook she keeps next to her bed if she has a nightmare or dreams something confusing or important. Just to make sure she doesn't forget about it. She wrote down all the road signs. Keri doesn't know what the road signs mean but I do. It's the route Sally uses to get to the suspension bridge, somehow while Keri was sleeping that leaked into her dreams. After an hour, she then went back to bed until 3pm. She didn't sleep for that much. By the time she got out of bed, she knew she hadn't been asleep all that time because Sally had graffitied her wardrobe with a message saying "Keri litsen 38" (we're all assuming she means 'listen' as Sally isn't a great speller). Plus an arrow pointing to the left (which could've meant her DVDs, her laptop, her music... Keri ended up watching the 38th DVD on her shelf (Side Effects) and as she was sorting her paperwork she noticed the plug on her docking station was switched on. When she looked at the station, she saw her iPod plugged into it. Keri didn't do that. Sally did it and put it on the list of Eminem songs Keri has. That was what Sally meant. Listening to the 38th Eminem song which was called Talking to Myself. Keri listened to it but doesn't quite understand what she means by it. Sally has never tried explaining her feelings before and if you listen to the lyrics in that song you can tell how hurt and angry she is.

Knowing how annoyed Sally is, Keri decided to sit in the communal lounge for a while and watched Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. She got a bit fed up with another patient. She saw Keri get brought in last night and was having a go at Keri about how she'd seen seven police officers in the unit at one point and that Keri had her whole life ahead of her... What she didn't realise was that whenever anyone says this to Keri she sits there and becomes even more determined to kill herself just to prove that the world has screwed her over and she's not prepared to live in it anymore. She's absolutely dreading Christmas! Even though she's hopefully going to be spending Christmas with her foster parents, the closer the day comes the more miserable she's getting. Looks like I might have to come out for part of Christmas or Sally might end up ruining it for everyone. And you know what? Keri's past caring if Sally comes out again between now and Christmas. How do I get her hope and motivation back? It's breaking my heart seeing her go so downhill. She even looks haunted and ill. You can tell she's not herself. She's forcing herself to smile if she has to but inside she's thinking "I want this all to end!" I'm sorry there's nothing I can do, Keri. I wish there was :(

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 119 & 120 (17 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 119 & 120 - 4th & 5th November, Wednesday & Thursday

Yesterday was quite a quiet day. Keri was herself all day which was reassuring. She saw her personal advisor for social services and then spent most of the rest of her time in her room with her DVDs and music. She was desperate to have some of her own space. She thought she was going to get it by moving to Alder Unit as she was told she'd only be checked on once every shift. She was still on hourly observation.

Waking up today, Keri felt quite tense and knew Sally was lingering. She tried to do her normal routine, starting off by going down to do her physio in the gym. Her key worker had a chat with her when she got back and asked how Keri was.

"Feeling a bit tense," Keri said. "Something bad is going to happen."

"Is that a gut feeling?" she said. "Like a sense of impending doom?"

"That's a bit of an exaggeration," Keri said, smiling slightly.

"You know what I mean," she said. "We're here if you need us."

Later that evening, Keri asked if she could go out on unescorted leave. She wanted to get some goodies from the supermarket. She had no intention of disappearing. Her plan was to go to the supermarket and then come back to the unit so that she could build up her leave and eventually get off of her section. Unfortunately, Keri dissociated and she found herself standing in some bushes in pitch black right next to the suspension bridge.

The problem with Keri is she's consciously trying to think of her future, however, subconsciously she's still suicidal. Sally is part of Keri's subconscious so acts on these feelings. Keri wasn't angry at all. In fact, she was glad. She's been struggling so much that she knew that finally it could all be over. Those subconscious feelings were how conscious and in the forefront of her mind. There was no one on the bridge and she sprinted to the middle of it. What she didn't realise was that there was a passer by on the other side of the bridge. She saw Keri climbing over the barrier and ran across the road to pull her down. That stranger saved Keri's life. The security wouldn't have gotten to her in time. She was restrained by security when they ran over to where she was fighting with this woman. Both of them got Keri onto the floor while she struggled. Luckily the woman was still there and security asked her to ring 999 and get the police up to the bridge. She'd been reported missing and only twenty minutes earlier security had been told to look out for her. They even had the helicopter flying in circles around the bridge.

Four police cars showed up and she was handed over to the officers by the security guards. At this point she was still fighting against them. When they finally managed to get her into the back of a 

police car she gave up. She went into another dissociative stupor until they got back to the hospital. Since being back at the hospital they've given her all the medication they can and kept her on one to one observation for five hours from 8.30pm until 1.30am when Keri said she was going to get ready for bed. It was decided they could put Keri on ten minute observation for the night. Considering there's only two members of staff, one of them had to be with Keri at all times while the other had to do everything else. The other patients were getting a bit agitated as the staff had to keep all the doors locked, including the doors out to the smoking area. I'm assuming this was done to reassure the police that Keri wouldn't have another episode.