I’m The Temporary Host

Usually I say Happy Sunday but obviously instead it’s Happy Tuesday! I explained why I couldn’t post but I’m glad to say that I’m able to tonight. I need to wind down and do some writing so this is going to be some nice chill time for me. I think I need to dig out a journal while I’m the temporary host (from now I’m just going to say ‘TH’ instead of ‘temporary host’) as it’s a good outlet for me and this has been hard as hell considering it’s been only 2 days since I switched!

Like I said on Sunday, things were still getting worse last week and Keri just started refusing to see anyone entirely. By that point I was already a few days into an argument with Shadow into trying to get them to let me out temporarily to try and prove that Keri is psychotic and delusional which is why she’s managed to be so convincing to Shadow in her argument that suicide is the only answer to keep all of us safe. It took five days. Five. FIVE. It was stupid. I didn’t even think Shadow was going to agree but I wasn’t going to give up. I also didn’t know I was going to be here so suddenly. I knew about 20 mins beforehand before I was here and since then I’ve been thrown into the deep end to handle everything. It’s not what I had in mind. The last thing Shadow said to me was that I wasn’t going to convince them of anything and it was my time that I was wasting. I’d rather ‘waste’ my time rather than doom us all to a suicidal and psychotic host though. I think any rational person would. I know the littles are going to really hate the fact I’m not there but I spent that 20 mins warning wisely and made sure everything was sorted, especially the care of the littles! 

I only came out on Sunday afternoon but I feel like I’ve been out for a week. The main difference between me being the TH right now compared to other times is normally I can decide when to go back in. If I need to be here for a few days then I’m here for a few days, if it’s for a few weeks then it’s for a few weeks. When I feel it’s no longer necessary I find my door and go back in and Keri resumes as host and we go back to our usual switching. This time Shadow is in control. They decided that I was coming out and they decide when I’m going back in. They said I have at least a few days. That’s all I was given. Unless I can give Shadow a legitimate reason to be out longer, they’ll get me back in. I have no choice in the matter. It’s really grating at me! I feel like I need to get over a mountain when I only have time to walk over a small hill. I currently have no legitimate reason to give Shadow and I have no idea if I’m even going to be able to get one but I have been trying. The main plan is to try and at least get some doubt into Shadow that Keri is being fed with delusions and that the answer isn’t for all of us to die. If we can do that then Safety Duty is back on and if needed then all of us alters can start taking over to do things that need doing (those of us who are capable of doing so) or to intervene if necessary too! If it was the worst case scenario the only thing I’d have been able to do would be attempt to make Shadow doubt Keri. I’ve been able to do other things but I won’t even know about the first thing until Shadow decides I’ve been out here for long enough, or wants to chat to me to decide whether I actually have a decent reason to continue staying or not. Until then I have no contact with them so I can’t give them any feedback to see if it’ll cause any doubt! It’s very frustrating!

I spent an hour chatting to our key-worker on Sunday evening about what was going on and that I’m going to be here for at least a few days but I have no idea about the time scale but we hoped we could do something and sort out a plan in the mean time together. The biggest issue lately has been the psychotic symptoms which have then instigated a suicide plan and severe depressive symptoms. If we can work on the psychotic symptoms and at least get Keri to doubt her beliefs a little bit then we might have half a chance. While she’s completely convinced it’s all real, everything is screwed. Yesterday, our key worker rang our care coordinator, with me in the room. They had a chat and I heard some of our key worker’s side of the conversation but pretty much waited until afterwards besides typing some comments when I heard titbits. It’s a good sign that the majority of us other alters aren’t psychotic but our care coordinator wanted to hear my views. I emailed him. I did this straight after the key worker left and I felt like my brain was melting out of my ears. I hadn’t slept the previous night, Keri hadn’t slept the night before that, I was struggling to think and for some reason my eyes kept wanting to squint whenever I looked at light. It took me an hour to write the email to our care coordinator and in my eyes it was quite short and didn’t say nearly enough! He hasn’t replied yet but considering it was only yesterday afternoon I’m hoping it’s because he’s talking to a work colleague or our psychiatrist or something and not just twiddling his thumbs. It’s basically a discussion about medication (anti-psychotics) and therapy. We’ve restarted one of our antidepressants. It’s been nearly a week on the starting dose so the dose is being doubled in a couple of days back to the original dose and we go from there. Obviously I told our care coordinator that I know he’s not stupid and that right now I’m basically a sticking plaster to stop the risks escalating any further. I don’t mind being a sticking plaster. I just wish I had more control over the situation. Just knowing I could go back in whenever I wanted to would be a lot more reassuring. I’ve heard good things about our care coordinator so I’m hoping he lives up to his reputation but we’ll have to see. No one can say I haven’t tried! 

He and the psychiatrist saw Keri last week and she had a meltdown straight afterwards but at least she agreed to start taking the antidepressants again. She was already snapping at people by then and the meltdown days were getting very frequent. It wasn’t surprising that the appointment happened to fall on one of those days. I wasn’t impressed with the support worker choice though. Apparently it’s someone who’s not worked here long and doesn’t know much about Keri’s current symptoms. If I could’ve shouted when I spoke to our key worker on Sunday evening when we had a chat about that I would’ve done. I can’t say much else about the review besides what I’ve already said. I was a bit busy arguing with Shadow and that kind of took a bigger priority than listening in. I also know Keri was not feeling very open to talking. She’s been more interested lately in listening to the wall people and ignoring anyone she considers “untrustworthy” which basically consists of everyone. They’re pretty sneaky I have to admit, the voices I mean. I noticed that pretty early on when they started. They don’t ask her questions or say things that encourage her to shout or answer unless they really want to annoy her, so if you weren’t clued in to what’s going on, you’d just think she was zoning out and staring at a wall for no reason. Although there are times when there’s full on arguments in progress and anyone looking on can clearly see she’s talking to non-existent voices.

Monday evening brought me a migraine which our key worker thought was very likely stress induced from everything that’s been happening. I’ll admit, I was really freaked out. I’ve never been physically unwell. It’s one of my triggers and it really effects my mentally. If any other alter is unwell internally, I’m gone. If Keri is unwell externally, I’m gone. I have to be or I can’t cope and I’m out of action long after the physical illness is completely gone. The late afternoon started with my eyes going a bit strange. I was having some vision disturbances in my left eye and about 2 hours later I was squinting every time I looked at any light. I couldn’t understand why. I’ve never had a migraine because it’s mainly a pain-based illness and with my “shield” (for want of a better word) I haven’t felt pain like some people have before. But wow. By the time our key worker arrived in the evening and I needed to go to the supermarket to get milk and food, my heart was in my head. I actually felt pain. I could barely keep my eyes open. We weren’t shopping for long as I wanted to get home but my worker could see I was in pain and ended support early. I didn’t even know what to do with a migraine! She said to turn down the lights and to try lying down with my eyes closed and have something to drink. I also had a strong painkiller and used this weird stick. It’s like a chapstick you put on your lips but for your head. I got into some PJs and my designated PJ hoodie (yes, I have a hoodie to sleep in too!) and then I was sick. Psychologically that completely broke me and I went totally catatonic for a while. That’s what happens when I get above and beyond stressed. I don’t act out. It’s the opposite. I get a bit agitated, very anxious and then if it gets towards something like a meltdown equivalent to Keri, I totally shut down. I’m conscious but can’t move. We’ve caught what it looks like to other people on camera before at the flat and I’ve scared myself with that. It’s like something from a horror movie when you fast forward through it and nothing happens except the light slowly getting darker or lighter from outside and this figure just sitting, staring and not moving a muscle. If I felt the pain of that migraine come through my “shield” then I’d dread to think what the hell the full force of a migraine feels like. Now I know what people mean when they describe the pain of migraines. It’s not an exaggeration in the slightest. This migraine medication we take obviously can’t be working! Although with the stress going on I’m not surprised it happened. It could be the strongest medication in the world but it’s amazing what stress can do to the body.

I’m exhausted from writing all this so I have no idea how you feel if you’re still reading it all! I think because I’ve been out so long I just need to write! Even more of an excuse to get my journal out! Anyway, that brings us to today as I went to therapy. I’d met the support worker before when I’d been to therapy but not for the whole session. It was lovely! We went to a cafe. I had a cup of tea and a muffin. We had a chat. I wanted to dog nap an adorable dog but my support worker said it wasn’t allowed. But she was such an adorable dog! She lives in one of the houses near where we sat to wait for therapy and she was sunbathing on the wall! 

I went into the session very well prepared. I’d typed out what I’d wanted to talk about. I’d typed out alters, fragments, suggestions, things I wanted to do, tips I’d like, and I’d put a lot of thought into it all. For me, therapy is more than an hour a week. It starts the day before when you think about what you want to use the session for, what you need help with. Then you need the mindset. And the preparation I did needed a lot of psychological effort. It was emotionally and psychologically draining and tiring. She appreciated this though. She said that without me even having to. We’re going to start some work on some of the fragments. For those that don’t know, fragments are like alters but consider it in this analogy (it’s the simplest and best analogy I could think of that I used with a couple of the support workers):

Alters are puzzles. There’s lots of pieces that may include different emotions, different traits, different characteristics etc. Fragments are a piece of a puzzle. They’re usually one emotion, or one trait or characteristic that remains the same, and often hold one or only a small number of memories.

We’re going to work on trying to integrate some of the fragments but it’s likely to be slow, draining and emotional. But, it’s a healing process, and it’s something that me and the other alters have been thinking about for a long time. It’ll reduce a lot of the chaos but obviously it’s not that simple. And for those that don’t know, the word “integrate” does NOT mean that a fragment/alter is simply killed or gotten rid of. They’re merged with another, or with the host, or with the original etc. Nothing is ERASED. It’s INTEGRATED. Healing isn’t linear and sometimes it gets worse before it gets better but it’s still moving forward. Keri may be suicidal and not looking at any form of a future but that doesn’t mean I’m going to start planning my fucking funeral (scuse the french)! I’m actually sabotaging things as much as possible. I don’t know Keri’s full plan (part of Shadow’s damn deal) but I know she’s been needing to save money for something for it. I decided, well, could this delay things? Yes? I went onto Apple and bought a new phone, then I bought a case and tempered glass for it. Hey, if I’m going to sabotage her plans I may as well do something worthwhile on something I’m going to enjoy while I’m TH! Plus, if my plan succeeds and we can get Keri thinking about her future again then it’ll be something she’ll enjoy too! It’s a win-win! Actually, it’s a win-win-win! 😄

And on the last note, Tom is so much better! Keri refused to take him to the vet and wouldn’t even touch him, plus her violent thoughts towards him were getting stronger and more frequent. We hadn’t actually realised how strong her delusion had gotten. Nat and me even had to have a serious chat on whether we should get him rehomed because she wasn’t even seeking him vet help. Luckily, we were checking him regularly. Two days after I first noticed the occasional clicking and chirping noises, Nat checked on him just as a usual thing but saw straight away something was very wrong, was straight on the phone to the vet, and within half an hour she had him at the vet. The poor guy didn’t even want to move! Nat said he was really struggling. He was prescribed antibiotics (which he finishes tomorrow) as he has a respiratory infection like I thought. The vet told Nat that he’d need a chest X-ray if he didn’t improved as she was concerned about the infection combined with his weight loss (and she knew about Ian passing away). Thank goodness he’s gotten better! He’s running around again, causing all sorts of mischief, begging for treats, getting inside my hoodie: the usual stuff! I’m hoping that while I’m TH I can get Tom a companion finally but the problem is, until I have more of an understanding with Shadow, there’s no guarantee of me being here. I could arrange on Wednesday evening to pick up a gerbil on Thursday afternoon only to find out Thursday morning that I’m being dragged back in with a 5 min warning! I can’t exactly make plans. I can with support workers as they understand about the switching and I’ve explained about Shadow, and our foster family understands last minute changes too. But anyone else and it starts getting very complicated. I mean what is Keri supposed to say? “Oh, sorry, I’m cancelling because I have no idea what you’re talking about as I’ve been gone for days, have no idea what’s been going on, and now I’m having a meltdown”. Although you’d have to translate that into Keri-language which would make a lot less sense. Would that make any sense to the average person? I don’t know exactly how she’s going to react when she’s back but I don’t imagine she’s going to react positively, and considering how she was just before I came out, I can’t imagine it’s just going to be a simple “oh dear” either.

Right. That’s it. I’m going to go and try and dig out a diary as this amount of writing is getting a bit ridiculous. If I did this every night I’d get bored of reading myself I think. Although I can’t say I’ve ever spent time reading my weekly blog as I know what it says! For all I know, by the time I write to you guys on Sunday I could still be here, I guess it all depends on what happens. For now I’m hoping I can go to the community centre tomorrow. I’m not setting my sights on anything just in case but that doesn’t mean I can’t keep my fingers crossed and remain hopeful! I will remain vigilant on my emails too but knowing the caseloads of a mental health team... that’s something I’m a little bit less hopeful about. Only a little bit though of course! I’m still smiling! As everyone whose seen me over the last couple of days can tell you! And I still have my mischievous streak. I am just very tired which is understandable.

Have a good rest of the week everyone! Take care of yourselves! If I’ve learned anything over the last couple of days it’s that you really need to take some time to chill when you need to even if it means saying ‘no’ to someone. Even if it’s just an hour with a cup of tea, a DVD, and a blanket!

My mantra for this week: Next week will be better, next week will be better, next week will be better! 😊

Fox 🦊