Happy Sunday! It’s the end of another week and I hope you guys have had a good one. I’ve had a lot of messages addressed to me on our Instagram and if you’re reading this and you’re one of the few I haven’t replied to then it’s because Shadow (the alter I spoke about in my last post) is seriously complicating things so I don’t have as much time to reply as I normally do! I’ll get to that at some point in the post!
It’s October now so the weather is getting colder and colder. It’s also the season for colds, flu and other gross snotty diseases! This means that Keri is seriously considering just point blank refusing to see people. Our care coordinator had to go off sick this week and, obviously, Keri thinks that the ‘demon’ has infected him. The only way she’s even accepting support right now is if staff stay at arms length at all times. She’s not even going to see our care coordinator unless he agrees to the condition they stay at opposite sides of the room to each other. This is getting ridiculous. It’s gone from people only being effected by physical contact to now just being near her. I know our key worker is really on the ball with everything and she’ll be going with Keri to see our psychiatrist, that’s if Keri actually goes. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to be there at the time but I guess I’ll find out when it gets to that point.
I was talking about Shadow last week and how Keri has been spending a while trying to get them on her side. She’s getting closer and I’m getting very angry! Shadow has now blocked most of us out and only 2 of us can be aware of what’s going on at any one time. Keri is only aware of ONE or 2 though as whenever I’m around I don’t talk so she just assumes there’s only one alter around at that time! If we aren’t one of the select couple that are aware of what’s going on, we can’t switch! Thankfully at least one of us leaders are aware at all times, if not two of us at the same time. We can’t even talk to Shadow as they’ve blocked everyone to them except Keri. I mean, for God’s sake! I don’t know what lies Keri has been feeding them but it seems to be working! I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it doesn’t escalate to the point of none of us being able to know what’s happening. I’m glad that she’s not having to cope with us arguing combined with the voices she’s hearing but not at all glad that it means our switching is limited. Ironically, the switching is more frequent and for longer, but I think that’s because when we actually get the chance to see what’s going on, it feels like we’ve been cooped up too much and need some time out doing what we want! There’s still no baby male gerbils but Keri is sorting out the split for the tank for whenever a friend is available. I’m not in argument with this as Tom does need a friend. I just have a big issue with what happens afterwards.
I got to go to the community centre this week! It’s about time too! Our usual Wednesday afternoon support worker was actually available this time as a lot of times she’s training or has meetings (or as Keri sees it “off because she’s been contaminated or died”, can I roll my eyes via written words here please?). Me and Keri arranged that she’d go with our support worker to the centre and also come back with her but for the majority of the time I’d be out doing stuff and getting to know the staff and other clients. Our support worker kindly made Keri a coffee when we were there but because I was half out already she had a craving for my tea and two sugars! I fully came out a few minutes later and pulled up my hood. Our support worker didn’t realise until I started writing. She hasn’t personally met me before and I only know her from seeing Keri with her. I had a look around the centre and chatted with our support worker (obviously by writing in my notebook). They didn’t have any diamond paintings which sucked but I helped with a big piece of paper people were working on about grounding techniques. I also borrowed a Roald Dahl book as I haven’t read for a long time. I might be mature and an old soul but at heart I’m still a young teenager who enjoys being cheeky and having my childish moments. I didn’t have a childhood so I like the moments when I can actually have fun with people. I also explored the garden there with another support worker while ours went off to do something. I have to admit, I really wanted to do some gardening! That garden looks like it’s close to being dead! I was a bit awkward at first as I knew everyone there was female. I may physically look like an adult female but I’m not. No one treated me any differently. No one ignored me and incessantly called me the wrong name. No one got awkward; which can happen because some people get unusually weird about being around someone who’s mute. I got to actually socialise with REAL people! As much as I enjoy chatting to people online, there’s a big difference between that and actually being physically around people. I’m sure I’ve said it before but just because I’m mute doesn’t mean I don’t like being around people. I like listening, even if I don’t contribute much to the conversation. I feel included even if I’m not talking! There was only two other clients there when I went, along with 3 members of staff (including our one). I don’t like not being able to personify our support workers as they are lovely, but I don’t like sharing names etc on my blog as this is the internet after all! Either way, I’m hoping I can go to the community centre again soon, even if I have to take my own diamond painting kit!
I also spent an hour or so with our key-worker at the beginning of the week as we had to have a chat about Keri. I also spoke to her about Shadow. She’s in the loop so I don’t have to explain very much when I’m with her. We agree with each other that things are getting very complicated. That’s when she clarified that she’ll be going to the psychiatrist review with Keri. We had a chat about medication which I think is a good idea. It’s very clear by this point that all of Keri’s symptoms (the paranoia, the delusion, the hallucinations, the writing/speech issues etc) aren’t just a ‘phase’ and she’s having a psychotic episode. I had to try and remember what medication Keri was put on when she last had a very severe episode that lasted a long time. It was when she was sectioned for that admission she had that lasted over 4 years. She initially got admitted as she was very ill and had paranoid psychosis (I say initially as other things cropped up along the way and she wasn’t kept for years purely because she spent all those years psychotic!). While living with our foster parents she got increasingly unwell as some time went on. She was convinced she was being stalked and that she had a bug crawling inside her skull. She tried all sorts to get it out. She even tried to get her foster dad’s power drill so she could bore a hole through her skull to get the bug out. Understandably, her foster parents had to get Keri an emergency mental health act assessment and so that began. She was put on additional medication but because there were so many I don’t know what did what! I know the antipsychotics she was on eventually helped with her delusions but there was a massive issue with one of the side effects. Considering Keri has a serious eating disorder, and has done for 10 years, the antipsychotic she was placed on caused weight gain and it had to be changed as she really freaked out about that. I think she’s been on about 5-6 different ones so I have no idea which one actually maintained her sanity. I’m sure there’s a better way to phrase that but who cares. Even so, our psychiatrist will have access to all her records. I think NHS records date back 10 years or so. I could be totally wrong about that and just be getting it confused with social services’ records but even so, he’ll be able to find out and see all of her notes.
I know Keri is dead set against antipsychotics right now as she won’t listen as soon as someone even suggests them (she doesn’t think she’s ill at all). She’s banned the word “psychotic” from her flat as so many people have said it and she’s very angry because of the fact she thinks everything is completely real and hates when people say “it’s her brain”. She needs to hear it though. She can’t be forced to take medication but if she refuses then I want one of you to travel over here and punch her in the face please! Can I insert my angelic face here? I’m not actually sure if I have an angelic expression but that’s getting off topic. Oops. Anyway, Keri doesn’t even realise she’s rhyming when she talks and gets very confused when people point it out to her. At least she’s not stuttering as much so she is speaking more clearly. It’s more the fact she’s using words that aren’t relevant to each other besides the fact they sound the same. Oh well. I have hopes things will start getting sorted. If the demon and voices can be sorted then we all have a better shot at convincing Keri she doesn’t need to kill us all (aka herself) to “protect everyone else around her from the demon”. I’ll admit, even I get drained and exhausted from the wall people she’s hearing and I’m only hearing it from a 3rd person point of view! Or would it be a 2nd person... Either way, I only hear them through Keri, not from my own personal experience.
We’ve entered Tom into a gerbil competition. People vote for the cutest rodent and we see who wins. Most times there’s a little giveaway but this one is just for fun. Tom is very photogenic so I think he’ll get far! It’s always cute having a look at all the other photos that have been submitted but clearly I’ll be voting for Tom, like I’m sure other alters will, and everyone else who sees those big eyes! Speaking of which, those big brown eyes are staring at me again. I never make any noise, how does he even know when I’m here? He was sleeping when I initially came out. Maybe it’s because I’m not shouting or talking in rhymes at the walls! We have a good bond! Although, I haven’t heard anyone yet who hasn’t fallen in love the moment they meet him!
I’m still keeping our main Instagram updated when I can but it’ll also be down to some of the other alters as the blocking issue means I can’t linger around constantly and nip in and out for short periods like I usually do. I’m also the main one who keeps Tom’s Instagram (hopefully soon Tom and his baby friend!) updated although some other alters do too which can get confusing when I’m trying to reply to comments that I haven’t initiated! Either way I’m still going to try doing all of that, along with keeping my blog updated and replying to any messages directed to me. And of course, take care of us by eating, helping look after Tom, general stuff, and time to myself! If I can fit all that into my now limited time then I think I’ll deserve a medal although for now I think making myself a cup of tea will do 😀
Have a good week everyone and I hope we do to! Before I do anything else, I’m going to reply to those of you I haven’t replied to yet otherwise I’d be being just plain rude 🙂 Good night!
Fox 🦊
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