If things get much worse then the psychiatrist is going to have no choice but to send Keri to a psychiatric intensive care unit like ECH which is next door. She's still not sleeping well at all and can't concentrate on anything. When her psychotherapist came to see her on Monday, she was there for fifteen minutes speaking to Keri but she wasn't listening to a word she was saying. All she did was zone out and nod at the appropriate times. If I have to, I'll have to see the psychotherapist myself on Friday!
The night before last Keri and Sally decided that it was a good idea to commit suicide. Keri planned out how to sneak her dressing gown robe into the bathroom before her shower and also figured out how and where she was going to tie it for maximum effectiveness. A member of staff was sat outside while Keri had her shower, calling out to check she was okay every few minutes. Halfway through her shower she got freaked out by her hallucinations again. She didn't even dry herself off and just dumped some clothes on. She went straight to where she tied the noose she'd made. It was a very hard fight. Keri and Sally were fighting against me, David, Clari and five other alters. It was very hard to do but luckily after a couple of minutes when Keri stopped responding to the staff outside, all four of the staff on the night shift ended up opening her door and checking what was going on. She was in tears on her bathroom floor next to where she'd tied her ligature. The staff managed to pick her up and take her out to have a cigarette. Two of the staff went out with her while another went and got some additional medication. It took a long time for Keri to calm down and even drugged up to the eyeballs she was still being freaked out. After a couple of hours she did calm down a little, the medication made her body feel like a ton of bricks. The staff untied the noose from her bathroom and took it away obviously so she no longer has that, however she has a lot of stuff in her room!
Last night she went nuts again. She was thinking about acting on her suicidal thoughts again but decided to go to the desk and speak to staff about how distressed she was and her hallucinations. She didn't even really need to talk as you could tell just by looking at her what state she was in. There were two staff at reception, one of them went to get Keri extra medication. While Keri waited she saw the little girl again and she was shouting at Keri. When the staff came out with her medication she was well passed listening. The girl was getting louder and louder before Keri just lashed out and then ran into the staff area and huddled under the reception desk in the corner. This then involved all four staff having to try coaxing her out as she was too terrified to move. I've never seen her this bad while she's been regularly taking all her medication! Her ward round was pointless as her usual psychiatrist wasn't there and Keri's attention span is close to non-existent. The longest she's managed to keep most of her attention was when she phoned our foster mum today. Although it's been several hours since the call and Keri has pretty much forgotten everything they talked about. Her memory is terrible which is also a side effect of the sleep deprivation. She can't remember half the conversations she's had, though she's used to it because of dissociating anyway and with the way she's feeling she honestly doesn't care!
Another four weeks and Keri will get off her crutches and I think the first thing to happen will be Sally or Keri absconding! If I haven't mentioned why she's on crutches it was because she spent five days persistently pacing around the garden for several hours a day. She hurt her ankle after about day two but continued anyway. She's been seeing the physio every weekday and thankfully her ankle is improving but it won't be completely mobile for at least a few weeks from now.
Well, the night shift has just come on. Keri's already getting agitated. Hopefully we will have a calmer evening than the last two nights though. And hopefully Keri sleeps!! Send us some sleepy messages!
Edit: Keri has now gone and burned her face because she feels like a monster and wants people to think she's too horrible to go near. This is of course not true as she is not a monster. She's holding other people's responsibilities and guilt that she in no way should have to hold onto yet she can't see the other perspective. She is a loveable and funny woman and people love her company. Her self esteem has never been lower. The only times she's self harmed on her face is while she was psychotic last year and tried cutting a bug out of her head and one other time when Sally was angry and wanted to teach Keri a lesson which resulted in Keri needing stitches on her face. She's never done it deliberately like this before, and the pain she felt did disappear but only temporarily and now it's back. Relief only lasted a few minutes if that!
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