Nightmare World

It's been over two weeks of hell and things still don't seem to be getting any easier. I find it hard to string a sentence together when I'm talking to people. Even now, as I write this, it's taking an awfully long time to even get the words into place.

I wish I could wake up from this nightmare. I don't even know what it's called. I wouldn't call it a psychotic episode as I don't have a psychotic disorder. I haven't been diagnosed even though I've had intensive support from mental health services for 3 years and been in various institutions and hospitals.. which in my eyes makes it seem like "no name = no cure". When will this end?

My memory of the past couple of weeks is blurred. But I do remember the fear, in the past and in the present.  Right now. It's constantly there. You're terribly alone as no one else is inside the world you're living in. The mind plays tricks on you and logic means nothing. You don't know what to believe any more, you don't even know whether you even really exist. Time means nothing, it passes by and is meaningless. Night and day just turns into nothing. Food and drink turns into nothing. You want to sit in a corner and cry, talking to the voices, not eat or drink, not take any medication, just not communicate with anyone.

I know I have to take my medication. At the moment I'm still taking my diazepam, antipsychotics and antidepressants but it's still a battle. Twice a day every day I'm sat at that table staring at the pills that the voices are demanding me not to take. It takes every bit of mental energy to fight them and my energy is lowering, even with the outstanding support my foster carers and foster family are giving me. I don't think I've got the fight left in me any more, but yet here I am. I'm not thinking about tomorrow or next week. I'm taking it hour by hour. I can barely function. I need answers, I need support, I need help, I need to vent. Maybe that's why I reopened this blog, I don't quite know why I'm writing it. I'm not sure who will read it or if it'll ever be found, but what I do know is that it helps to get things written down. It's frustrating when your mind is clouded; when it takes forever to think of the words, put them together in a sentence without jumbling them up.

Only two days left to get through before seeing my psychiatrist. Can I do this? I have no idea. I'm not going to think that far ahead. The voices are strong, I am weak. It's taken me nearly 4 hours to write this and now I'm going to stop. I'm exhausted, I'm frustrated, I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I'm on my own in my own nightmare world and no one seems to be able to get inside it with me to help me get out.