DAY 162 - 16th January, Thursday
Considering Keri didn't even manage to settle into bed until nearly 6am this morning the staff didn't try getting her out of bed. She'd kept herself awake to see when the staff received their phone call, which they never received. The only reason the staff eventually coaxed her out of bed was because of the fact Keri had an appointment with Becki at 2pm. They woke her just after 1pm. Keri got up as Becki has to travel about an hour to see Keri so doesn't like cancelling her appointments with her at such short notice.
Her visit was quite good. Keri enjoyed Becki's company. They're hoping that they'll still be able to work together until Keri's 25. Normally, if a young person isn't in education then their personal advisor has to stop working with them when they're 21. But because of Keri's exceptional circumstances we're hoping that rule won't be in place as it's adding unnecessary pressure on Keri's shoulders. Gemma and Becki spent a while talking alone with each other afterwards so Keri wandered off to smoke and then go to her room.
Keri's mainly been in her room. She feels very isolated from everyone and is still hallucinating, more regularly. She's now having trouble trusting the staff as they're turning around and saying that the things she's hallucinating aren't actually there. She doesn't know whether to believe them, most of her thinks the staff are trying to trick her. She told them that five guys were outside the ward and Matt decided to go dancing outside in the car park outside her window to try and prove to her that the group of men she was seeing wasn't real. Fail. She's also been lying down a lot as this is the end of her fifth day of fasting so she's feeling pretty weak. She's still determined to continue though as she set her date for at least a week of fasting.
Keri did actually have some good times today. I think after her crying yesterday it's taken a little steam out of the pressure cooker so to speak. But she's gone downhill again this evening, it's always the dark that starts her off. She did try and be with other patients. They had a group in the evening and for most of it another patient was telling terrible jokes! I mean they were so terrible that you just had to laugh. That helped Keri a bit trying to focus on things that weren't so negative. We're all hoping she'll take up horse riding again at her old stables so that she has something to focus on. The unit is willing to fund her riding lessons too which we only found out today.
Hopefully Keri is able to be granted some escorted leave tomorrow. She wants to take her little brother to tesco so they can get off the unit and do a bit of shopping. Unfortunately it'll mean a staff member following her around but at least she'll get out and the staff are there if something goes wrong, which can be likely with Keri's state of mind at the moment. Keri may still be intent on suicide but she's had a lot of one to one sessions because of her one to one observation and there have been times where there's been tiny tiny little sparks of possible hope that have lit and disappeared. Keri may not feel it but that hope is in there somewhere. I just hope she and Sally don't do anything stupid before Keri realises she's still got strength inside her.
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