Happy Sunday morning everyone! As you can see by me writing this post, we’re still here!
Today marks 19 days sober for Keri! All of us have been so onboard that even the alters that normally drink haven’t been drinking. Clari loves her alcohol but she’s agreed to temporarily abstain from alcohol too which is amazing. I love my sister but she’s definitely a handful the majority of the time so I’m glad she’s being sensible for once.
If you compare gerbils to most other rodents, you’ll find they’re a lot less common. This is amazing in my opinion. Keri has spent hours typing out letters to people she wants to write to and say goodbye to. She wanted one of us to hand write them for her but we’ve all refused. She’s resorted to typing them and it’s taking her a very long time due to the fact she can barely make any sense. She doesn’t want to leave long letters of nonsense when she considers the fact it’s her “last words”. Basically, she’s tied up most of her loose ends. The reason I started this paragraph on the topic of gerbils is because one of the last things Keri ‘needs’ to do is make sure Tom isn’t left on his own. This involves finding a baby to introduce to him. The fact of the matter is no matter how much she’s searched she can’t find a male. There’s plenty of female gerbils but currently no baby males. Nat has been talking to a few people on our gerbil Instagram but she’s going by ‘Keri’ as to not confuse people. Even so, Nat hasn’t found any baby males either which she’s happy about in most ways as this, of course, means Keri’s ‘permanent plans’ are being delayed (which I’m also ecstatic about). Keri’s view on the other hand? Well, she lost it last night and flew into a complete meltdown: crying, swearing, shouting in rhymes and making no sense, throwing things and attacking herself. We thought that after 10 minutes she’d be exhausted but that wasn’t the case. After an hour of this, we decided enough was enough and I came out for a bit. As soon as I was out I felt our heart rate drop and the adrenalin calming down. I made sure we had something to eat, took our medication, had a lot of water to rehydrate us and had some quality time with Tom. I went back in after 45 minutes and Nat came out for the rest of the night to take a sleeping tablet and make sure we got some sleep on the sofa.
Considering how upbeat Keri has been the last couple of weeks, this morning she started crying as soon as she woke up. She’s spent a lot of time talking to the wall people she’s hearing and just staring blankly. She’s been trying to convince herself she doesn’t love Tom anymore so that she doesn’t have to keep clinging on to sort out this loose end but she can’t. No matter how much she’s trying to tell herself it doesn’t matter, she can’t stop loving Tom and that’s not going to change. She can’t leave a long letter for him and the only thing she can do is get him a companion. Maybe this obvious depression is a good thing though, compared to the hidden depression I mean. The fact she’s been so upbeat has meant she’s not been very open about her feelings despite the staff trying to talk to her about everything. Now that she’s back to crying she’s a bit more susceptible to talking about her feelings, which I hope will mean she’s more open this afternoon in her support session.
Her self harm is still ridiculous and she’s now needing to use her crutches because of the damage she’s done to one of her legs. It’s strange really that the whole reason she’s doing so much damage to her leg is to stay alive to sort out all the things she needs to. I just hope she doesn’t start on the other one with the same aggression she’s been doing with the current one. The support worker we had last night ended up seeing our leg as none of us had been able to shower for 4 days as we can’t get the wounds soaking wet. Even with the staples in, our skin is very fragile because of damage that’s been done in the past. The support worker had to help Keri wrap her leg with cling film and medical tape which meant she saw the damage. Thankfully she didn’t make any judgements and just helped with the practical aspect of things. She did ask Keri what made her want to do that to her leg, but Keri just said “Holding colding and moulding on”. Translated I’m assuming she meant: “Holding on”. That was the end of it and there was no interrogation which I’m kind of glad of as it would’ve put Keri on the defensive, even more so than she was already. Maybe with her defences lowered since her meltdown last night, she’ll actually be more open. No one is expecting her to share her soul, just to be a bit more receptive to some emotional support.
Me and Keri didn’t see our foster parents yesterday as they’ve just got a new placement. They’ve been approved for their mother and baby fostering! Hopefully we can go next weekend but it depends whether everything is settled with the placement. I’m a bit disappointed but I understand, and thankfully so did Keri. She has a tendency to think she’s unloveable and unlikeable so sometimes these things can make her feel let down but we were with our foster parents long enough for Keri to actually be able to trust them and know that they won’t let her down. Whenever she starts having doubts we just remind her that if they were going to get rid of her then they wouldn’t have stuck by all of us for so long! I don’t mean just for the years we lived with them but also all of these years afterwards! Bringing that up normally brings Keri to her senses again, even when she’s like the way she is.
I haven’t been able to go for a nice walk recently which sucks. I’ve said before that I don’t feel physical pain the same as other people do but it’s more to do with the fact that I’m exhausted. I never feel exhausted! I think it’s emotional exhaustion more than physical. All of us are in overdrive trying to find ways to sort out the situation. I’d rather exercise for 6 hours. At least then I’d expect to feel tired and not suddenly feel struck down like I haven’t slept for a month!
I’ve got some good news from my view though. I met someone on Instagram a couple of days ago who reads my blog and we’ve started chatting. I couldn’t go to the community centre last week because the support session got messed up at the last minute so I enjoy talking to people online. Considering I’m the main person right now doing our Instagram posts I see a lot of the messages coming to us and reply to most of them. A couple are old friends, another knows Keri like a sister and then there’s this woman I’m talking to who I only started messaging for the last couple of days. I’m quite a social person but it’s a bit of an obstacle being mute. I do like my alone time but it can get very isolating, especially when I meet people who have no idea about Dissociative Identity Disorder and refuse to call me by my name and keep calling me Keri. Whenever I meet those kinds of people I ignore them and pretend they aren’t there, just like they do to me be refusing to acknowledge my presence!
We’ve started watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. None of us are doing a massive amount. We’re so tired that our physical activity levels are reaching zero. The good thing means that Keri doesn’t have the energy to keep exercising to excess. She’s getting a lot of migraines though and dizzy spells. It means that a lot of the time we’re on the sofa. We aren’t even going into our bedroom besides getting clothes from our wardrobes. We’re sleeping on the sofa, when one of us is actually able to sleep. If we aren’t sleeping, we’re lying down. It’s a combination of physical illness, exhaustion and the depression that’s really starting to consume everyone. It’s just spreading from Keri to the rest of us like a plague, although admittedly none of us are feeling it to the same level she is. I, personally, have only ever felt suicidal once when we were in a secure hospital but I never made any plans and it didn’t last long. I always remind myself that if one of us were to die, all of us would, and that doesn’t seem fair to me.
Keri’s due support in an hour or so and I think she’s going to appreciate needing time to lie down beforehand so I’m off for now. We have an appointment with our care coordinator this week so I might be able to do a post before Sunday, especially if Keri’s more open or if one of us is needing to do Safety Duty for a bit if a male baby gerbil is suddenly for sale in the area! I’ll admit, I need a lie down too right now. I think it was the sleeping tablet from last night that’s making all this grogginess worse this morning. You’ve got to love a foggy head. Please note my use of sarcasm!
I’ll probably make another post before Sunday but if not I’ll update you all soon! If I’m not so articulate today then it’s purely because I’m too tired. I’m sorry if there’s any typos or spelling mistakes but I haven’t reread this post like a normally try and do. I’m just pressing publish today. The quicker we can lie down the better, especially if a dizzy episode strikes again. We’ve already had one which was at 8am, less than an hour after waking!
I’ll speak to you soon everyone! I am staying as positive as possible but anyone reading this will know that the more tired you are the harder that positivity is! I’m very set in my ways though so it’s going to be hard to beat me down too much!
Have a good Sunday 🙂
Fox 🦊
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