Internally Busy, Externally Insane

Forgot publish! This was from 28th July.

Well it’s been a week since I last posted as I haven’t had a chance to write anything in between my Sunday posts. Me and a lot of the other alters have been busy as we’ve had to pick up the pieces Keri is leaving behind with her episode.

So, internally, I’m spending a lot of my time looking after the littles. Most of the time I enjoy it but now I find its grating at me. I need some peace. Mary and David have been busy trying to talk to Trixie, Spike and Sally as they want to do destructive things. Luckily we rarely have an issue with Spike sexually assaulting women as he can only come out when Sally’s out, him being her “sub” alter. Natalie has been trying to keep on top of the practical things like bills, payments, shopping, groceries. Penny wants to ligature even though we aren’t even being detained or locked up anywhere so her and Violet have been spending a lot of time together trying to support each other. Some alters are doing nothing except wanting to stay away from all the work and sitting in their rooms pretending they haven’t noticed we’re so busy even though I know for a fact they DO  know! Most of the time we complain that there’s way too many of us. But right now, there’s not enough! I wish I could magic alters out of nowhere just to tell them to help out and then they can disappear again. 

Externally, none of us wants to go anywhere near any of it. Keri’s delusion of being possessed by a demon is getting worse by the day. She’s convinced that the demon that’s possessing her is making people sick and she thinks that explains why a member of staff was off work on Wednesday. Since then she’s been refusing most of her support. The only time she’s been accepting it is in the evening when she has to shower. She still can’t shower alone as she’s terrified of the wall people she hears and now obviously it’s worse with this demon thing. The two other times she accepted it were brief times, one where she needed to collect medication and one where she had to buy milk and some sweets I asked her for. Everyone can see she’s just getting more and more isolated and depressed. Her key worker tried talking to her this evening before Keri got in the bath but I didn’t hear a lot of the conversation. I know she tried to tell Keri that she wasn’t causing people to be sick and should try to accept her support, especially at these times when she’s not exactly thinking clearly. I also heard that she’s started nicknaming one her of gerbils Meatball because he’s so fluffy and round. I had to have a chuckle at that.

We should be seeing our care coordinator again this week. Although considering how Keri has been since we got home I can’t say I’m expecting anything. Remember that “urgent” review that was requested with her psychiatrist? Still hasn’t happened! It’s really annoying me! If nothing happens soon then I’m going to speak to the staff and sort this out myself. I’m worried. Most of the staff are worried. All of us leaders are worried. WHY AREN’T THEY HELPING HER? Keri is our chosen host and we don’t want to have to go through the process of picking another one. We reevaluate it on a yearly basis and there’s been a few years where we’ve been on the edge of another alter adopting Keri’s life as their own instead. It takes a lot of work doing all that though so we’ve avoided it at every opportunity we could as it means rearranging a lot of things and opening and closing doors that shouldn’t really be touched. It also means that whoever takes over ends up with the previous years of amnesia. It was okay to get away with that when they chose Keri at 8-9 years old but more complicated now she’s 25. I have occasional images of Sally being the permanent host. No thanks! I doubt anyone would agree to that!

I’m running out of ways to keep the littles occupied. We have Lego and toys. I’m asking every now and again for people to get sweets for them. We’ve had to sort out more regular supervised playtime with the gerbils. I’m running out of alters who have different children’s stories. It’s times like this when I know I should appreciate the times when things are calmer and less chaotic. The silver lining is even though Keri’s brain is working on a different wiring to everyone else, she’s not doing anything too bad. She’s not running off, she’s not trying to kill herself, she’s not threatening people with knives. I mean, she’s doing a load of other stuff but not stuff that’s going to lead to legal or fatal consequences, not in the short term. We have to count ourselves lucky there.

We’ve completely recovered from Clari’s ecstasy play time on our birthday. There was a few days where we were zombies but now we’re back to normal. I found out from Keri the other day that baby unicorns are called “shimmers” and “sparkles” depending on whether they’re male or female. Why on earth she knows that fact I’ve no idea and why she decided to tell me is another thing I’m clueless about. Some things may never be explained but I guess I know something I’ve never known before. I don’t think it’s something I’ll ever need but it did entertain the littles when I told them about it. Young children and unicorns seem to go well together, even with boys. I’ve never seen the need for thinking about unicorns. I guess I’m thinking about them now though. Wow. The unicorn fact has permeated through my brain and taken over! 

Bye for now! 🙂

Fox 🦊