DAY 170 - 24th January, Friday
Keri's energy levels are actually pitiful. That's down to both her not eating (or eating and making herself sick) and the battle between her and Sally. They're the dominant ones at the moment. I'm sat here wondering how long it'll take before Keri's personality is completely suppressed and Sally takes over as the host personality. That would be terrible if that happened but Keri's losing a lot of strength just doing day to day things let alone doing extra things like visits etc. Her little brother is supposed to visit tomorrow. Keri is really looking forward to it but she's extremely tired. She didn't get up until midday. The only reason she got up was because they were waiting for her to go into ward round, she was the last person that Dr. Harland was due to see.
A few changes happened during her ward round. Her Diazepam dose has been lowered another 1mg so she's now down to 27mg in total during the day. Going well so far. She's been on Alder Unit since 2nd December and has managed to cut down by 3mg. Her observation levels were also changed. She's not on one to one anymore. Not good! I don't like this at all! She's taken a dip dive this evening and has been considering jumping over the fence herself let alone having Sally telling her that it's the best thing to do! She's got a CPA in a week. That's plenty of time for Sally to mess us all up. Let's face it, she's not going to not doing anything for a week if she knows she's got an hour to sneak off or cut Keri's body. Maybe that's what's been causing Keri to cry, she's had more crying episodes tonight; complete 'fuck life, I can't deal with this pain anymore, just kill me' kind of crying. I may not want to die, but I can't stand and watch Keri feel like this. So what do I do? Let her or Sally go and do something or keep trying to give Keri hope that just gets trampled on by Sally?
Keri ended up completely conking out on her bed for half an hour at about 10.15pm. It was almost like her passing out. She wasn't even lying on her bed properly. She was half on her bed with her legs off the bed, weird positioning. She definitely snored though for once! She was in a really deep sleep. Normally if she's snoring then you know she's not having a nightmare and is completely comatose. The problem is she was woken up at 10.45pm as she needed to have her medication so she had been asleep for half an hour. When she first woke up she felt a bit groggy but now she's completely wired and her crying is just... I don't know how to deal with it! How do you stop someone feeling suicidal?! Thankfully, it's nearly 3am and Keri hasn't gotten undressed yet as she's very strongly fighting between her own urges and Sally. I'm very grateful to Ade has gone out with Keri while she's been smoking tonight. Maybe the staff know what she's thinking. She's not talking very much and it's very hard getting even a smile out of her. The staff aren't idiots. She's not officially on one to one anymore but it is down to the nurses' discretion. I don't care whether it's coincidence or whether they're doing it deliberately but thank you for going out with her!
Her psychotherapy appointment consisted of talking about Sally. Fiona actually managed to get Keri down to Woodside which is the outpatient and therapies department. They went to Fiona's art psychotherapy room although Keri did no art, it was all psychotherapy. David had written a letter to Fiona that she'd read which is why most of the appointment was focused on how to deal with Sally. Fiona spoke about secure hospitals and whether it would be an idea to sacrifice two years to spend in a secure ward as it would mean Sally would end up having no choice but to start therapy, even if it started with her just coming out for ten minutes and throwing chairs across the room. Fiona talked about a couple of secure hospitals but the problem is they're quite far away! Plus the downside is that she'd be put in a ward with people with personality disorders. Apparently Keri's psychiatrist has refused the DID diagnosis, even though it's written all over Keri's care plan, treatment plan, admission papers, section papers... I think her psychiatrist sucks. And if Keri went to one of these secure wards she wouldn't get to see her foster carers very often, she wouldn't be able to see her mum very much (which she doesn't want taken away from her) and Fiona would no longer be her psychotherapist. The reason they spoke about secure wards is because they were talking about what Sally could do between now and her CPA in a week.
Keri went on to our DID page and asked for advice and someone replied with a specialist centre in London that deals specifically with dissociative disorders on the NHS. Keri's doing her research. She wants to be clued up on all these places just in case Sally crosses a line. She's thinking suicide would be a lot easier. Otherwise her choices are bouncing between Alder and Lime Unit, or sacrificing two years before coming back to Alder to stay for another couple of years. It's all been really complicated and I think it's the only way to get Sally out. A lot of people say that she'll come out for therapy when she's ready but that's not going to happen. Keri's thinking "it will" but no. That's unrealistic. Where do we go from here when Sally is just focused on destroying everything? Relationships, leave, obs levels, Keri being able to deal with basic needs... It's just not working! And no one here has any idea how to help before something serious happens! It actually says on Keri's care plan that she's medium risk and death could be caused by "misadventure". Erm, no. For god's sake. Keri didn't have an issue but I do. Death would be caused by suicide. Whoever wrote that is an idiot. That's almost challenging Sally. We don't need anymore complications!
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