DAY 152 & 153 - 6th & 7th January, Monday & Tuesday
***TRIGGER WARNING***
References to types of self-harm occurring within the last 24 hours.
Keri didn't get a peaceful night of sleep on Friday. She tried to settle but it didn't work. Then the fire alarm went off at 3.15am because a fellow insomniac went and burnt some toast! That was interesting as Keri and the other female patient walked down from the female wing with the other patient wearing only her underwear wrapped in a towel! In the end they didn't need to evacuate the building.
Yesterday Keri cancelled her psychotherapy appointment plus her physio appointment. Fiona actually text Keri and said, "that's unlike you, is it because it's raining?" What?! Why would Keri cancel an appointment over a bit of rain? She cancelled everything because she was too depressed to do anything. All she wanted to do was be in her room.
She managed half an hour of unescorted leave as her leave has been given back to her. She didn't want to risk going out for an hour just for the sake of it as she was feeling a little dodgy. She managed about 15 minutes today too although her co-key nurse, Gemma, was a bit against Keri going out as it was starting to get dark. In the end Keri managed to wangle 15 minutes and Gemma said she trusted her. That shopping Keri did was like supermarket sweep! She was running up and down the aisles like a maniac. At one point she was very close to dissociating because there was a crying baby in one aisle. If any noise distresses Keri, the first and foremost is the sound of a crying child. It sends a shiver right down her spine. She made it back within the 15 minutes though, which is lucky as 10 minutes after getting back it had gone pitch back outside! That was amazingly quick. Literally in the space of a couple of cigarettes the sun went down.
After waking up from a vivid nightmare at just gone 5am, Keri felt terrible. She tried laying back down after a few cigarettes in completely conked out again. She's totally drained. Sally plus the depression is never a good mix. Her physical health is terrible. Her asthma has got to the point that she has to carry her Ventolin inhaler with her all the time. She won't book an appointment either because her motivation is gone too.
Her self harm has been bad since she last failed to kill herself after disappearing on Saturday. In the last 24 hours alone she's made 12 cuts and a burn from her right hand down to near the bottom of her forearm. She's asked the staff for dressings. They know she's self harmed but she hasn't told them the extent of it. I think she thinks they think that she's probably only making a couple of small cuts and then dressing them. Yeah right! And Keri's not really into blabbing about how much she's self harmed. It's doubtful the staff will ask her directly how many times she's self harmed. If they did then she'd be truthful.
Keri had a visitor today from a patient who'd been readmitted to Lime Unit. Kay was discharged three months ago on a CTO (Community Treatment Order). She'd breached the conditions of her CTO so her psychiatrist had her readmitted to hospital a couple of weeks ago. Keri gets along well with her as she has a lot in common. For one thing they've both got eating disorders, except Kat isn't in denial about it.
Keri has a CPA tomorrow. She's not looking forward to it at all. The psychiatrist here arranged it so I'm assuming it's so she can talk to all the people involved with Keri to learn more about her disorder and how to treat her. Total clueless animals. Treating us like guinea pigs. What's the point in them even trying to understand? They've made it quite clear they don't was us around. They just want Keri. You know what? Without us, there wouldn't be a Keri here to treat!
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