DAY 156 - 10th January, Friday
Another late morning though I can't say I really blame Keri. Her hallucination of a non-existent crying baby kept her up most of the night. She didn't get to sleep properly until gone 7.30am, then the staff had to wake her up before 12pm so she could speak to Dr. Harland. Less than 4 hours sleep and Keri's spent half the day trying not to just go to bed. Now it's gone midnight and she's wide awake! I took the opportunity to have a cigarette before writing the blog and the body feels tired. I think it's Keri's mind that's racing a mile a minute that's keeping her awake.
She had a one to one with Dr. Harland instead of going into a ward round. I think she seems a nice woman. She definitely seems willing to learn more about DID so that Keri can be kept on this ward rather than be moved. There were a few moments where Keri just thought "well, what you said is just crap" but not as many moments as I thought there would be considering it's only the third time Keri's met with her.
Matt and Keri both reviewed my blog post from yesterday. Keri's not happy because she knows I'm honest about things that she'd like to keep quiet. For instance, the staff didn't know that if Keri seems unusually perky or happy that is normally quite a bad sign. Now they know. Which has also led to Keri's unescorted leave being taken away from her for the weekend. Let's face it, if Sally's going to walk out and help Keri with her suicide, she's going to walk out. Keri doesn't have the guts to leave without permission unless extremely distressed but Sally couldn't give a damn about the consequences. If I'm honest Keri would probably be glad if Sally got her to that remote bridge again. The downside to this is that it does take a while to get up there, even if Sally gets Keri up there without getting lost. At least the staff know that Keri understands her leave has been taken away so if they see her walk out the door then she'll have dissociated. God help them if they call "Keri" back inside the unit again!
Keri's psychotherapy session was actually quite constructive. Keri doesn't even have to express her depression or suicidality in words anymore, you can just tell by her posture. Her psychotherapist noted how unusually tense Keri looked compared to most of the other times they've had appointments together. People have been talking a lot about hope and stuff today and Keri's just not interested. Dr. Harland actually asked Keri whether she'd considered jumping off that bridge when she last ran away when there was no trains coming, the answer was an obvious yes. It appears, according to Keri's psychotherapist, that looking at the video that was recorded Keri had actually been sitting on that bridge for a while, not just the fifteen minutes we'd thought. She talked about how she'd been sitting perched on the edge just staring down at the tracks and how peaceful they were. Her psychotherapist said that it's possible Keri could've slipped into some kind of dissociative or trance-like state so that a lot of time went by but Keri didn't even realise. Put it this way, she was so fixated on that track she didn't even notice when a group of police officers gathered behind her did she?!
With spending a lot of time in her room, Keri's been struggling to stay awake so her key nurse, Emma, suggested getting one of her DVDs and putting it on in the main lounge and watch it with the staff. Most of the patients had gone on a day trip to Weymouth. Besides Keri, there were only two other patients on the ward, both of which were in their room a lot of the time. It was unusually quiet.
It's weird hearing Keri and Sally talking together at the moment because they're actually agreeing with each other! Agreeing on the wrong thing I'll admit that much, but they aren't arguing. That's one stressor gone. Although I prefer it when they're arguing, at least it shows Keri's got a bit of fight in her. She's playing on her guitar hero at the moment on her Wii. It's gone midnight and suddenly Keri's no longer tired. How the hell does that work? She needs something to be able to slow her mind down, although with the amount of medication she's on you'd think it would've been slowed down to the point she was a zombie... At least playing on her wii is keeping her distracted. So far, no hallucinated baby cries. Bonus.
Quick note, we still haven't heard anything back from the meeting that happened on Wednesday. The police haven't visited to talk to Keri and the ward manager. I'm probably right in assuming we probably won't know much about it until Monday. Everyone skives on a weekend!
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