DAY 37 - 13th September, Friday
Friday the 13th, unlucky for some! Keri stayed in bed until gone 1pm but then actually got up and showered which I was massively surprised at! Unfortunately at the time she was still on 10 minute obs so half way through her shower Jay came in and knocked on the door.
"You okay, Keri?" he shouted through the bathroom door.
"I'm in the shower!" Keri shouted back.
Only a few minutes later and Abz turned up out of nowhere and started knocking on Keri's bathroom door as well.
"Keri? Are you alright?" she shouted.
"Yeah! I'm just finishing my shower!" Keri shouted, somewhat annoyed with the interruptions.
"Well I need to open the door to see you're okay," she said through the door.
"But I've got no clothes on!" Keri shouted.
"I'm sorry Keri but I need to see you," Abz said. "I'm opening the door."
Keri had barely managed to get a towel around herself before Abz popped her head through the door.
"Okay, thanks, just needed to make sure," Abz said, then leaving as if nothing happened.
Keri was left standing there thinking what the hell? Where's my privacy and dignity? Truth is, we don't have any! Thankfully she then found out that she was back on hourly observation instead of ten minutes.
Overall it was quiet except when Keri's suicidal thoughts go worse. She started feeling the strength of Sally's presence at about 8pm but warned staff that she was feeling a bit "weird". Thankfully nothing happened but she didn't go to sleep until nearly 3am and was awake by 5.30am. Not the greatest of nights.
DAY 38 - 14th September, Saturday
Keri was in bed until nearly 2pm, not asleep but she decided by 7am that she was going to hibernate. She's not sleeping very well but seems to be practising her hibernating skills!
Today has involved nothing but lots of chocolate, lots of Keri throwing up and lots of Keri hallucinating. She swore that she saw a 4 year old girl outside the female garden and that the girl kept shouting "Mummy!" at Keri. There was no one else in the garden and the girl was looking directly at her. Obviously this caused a great deal of distress which caused Keri to return to her room to continue eating and throwing up afterwards. She was even doing it in the evening when she hadn't even eaten anything. I've no idea why. But that's pretty much that for the day. She's been too scared to tell the staff because she doesn't want to let them see her really upset as her ward round is on Tuesday and she wants them to start talking about a discharge plan!
DAY 39 - 15th September, Sunday
Well, take a guess at what time Keri got up? Gone 2pm. She's so drained and exhausted, I don't know whether it's a medication issue or because of us switching a lot or whether she's coming down with an illness or whether it's caused by the stress she's had, or even if it's a combination of all of the above!
Keri resumed her eat and purge regime today, although this time was slightly healthier with the fact she went through two bags of carrot sticks and a couple of pots of hummus, along with biscuits and some chocolate. I'm expecting her to look orange when she looks in the mirror tomorrow morning! Besides that she's just isolated herself and smoked herself stupid. She said to one of he staff, "If I can't kill myself here then I might as well start my journey towards lung cancer. You people won't even let me leave the ward on my own yet so it's obvious I won't be discharged any time soon." The nurse didn't tell Keri she was wrong, in fact just turned to her and gave her a sympathetic look.
Clarissa. Oh my Jesus. She's been out this evening! I mean late! It's nearly 12.30am so technically it's the 16th now but Clari has been out a lot in the last couple of hours. One of her outlets is sex which she obviously can't have in hospital so her solution (which she found today) was to talk to Lucinda and share dirty sex stories. I hide during these times. The kinds of things Clari and Lucinda have done with men, and women for that matter, is just... I can't even explain it. I've told Clarissa off but she's not listening. She's feeling like a caged animal too and seriously sex deprived! Keri doesn't like Lucinda much as you can't get a word in edge ways because Lucinda is hypomanic. But Clarissa is pretty manic herself so both of them yatter on and on and on and on and on and... well, need I say more?
I'm hoping Keri gets to bed at a reasonable hour but it feels like that won't happen. Her body may feel drained but I can almost see her thoughts swirling around like an out of control roller coaster. I'm calm. She's not. Bit of a weird paradox thing going on. The sleep deprivation only makes Keri worse, but the worse she gets the less she's able to sleep and the less she's able to sleep the worse she gets and so on. A vicious circle. We seem to be getting a lot of those lately.
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